What the hell happened near the end?


Live a Live

( Firefox must really hate my blogs.) It seems that whenever I'm typing up crap like this, Firefox prematurely decides that nobody wants to read my writings. I don't care if it's right, that's just mean. Sometimes it'll decide to move my tab into a new window, oblivious to why I use tabs; sometimes, it'll implode itself, taking the blog with it; sometimes....wait, what does this have to do with my original idea? Fuck it, I just don't like Firefox, and I don't like it more than I don't like Live a Live (technically, Live a Evil or Live a 3vil, but whatever).
 
The basic premise of the game is this: you get to choose between a variety of characters from different periods in history, each with their own distinct style of gameplay and fonts. The ninja character has to kill an evil frog demon with the power of stealth gameplay; a psychic Yu-Gi-Oh has to power up robots in the Shin Megami Tensei sing-along (which I sang along to...poorly...); a fighter must rip off Street Fighter in the wrestling period of history (given that this is supposed to be modern times, I'm forced to assume that Obama will wrestle Glenn Beck by the end of 2010); a caveman must get himself and his monkey laid; and now, in the non-wrestling present time, you must ask me how all of these stories connect. Unfortunately, even after beating the game, I can't give you much of an answer. The only connections I noticed before I beat it were just recurring names, and near beating it, the only connection was a deus ex machina that teleported all the heroes to one area just for the sake of connections.
 
 Truly, the thoughts of a shinobi are complex, indeed.
Oh, wait, I just remembered the most important connection: the gameplay. Although the gameplay styles vary quite a bit between the chapters, they still use the exact same engine. How exactly does that engine work? I could say it's a lot like Treasure Hunter G, but since nobody has ever played that game, I'll just say that it's sort of like Shining Force with some of Final Fantasy Tactics' combat mechanisms. You walk up to enemies and select a move you'd like to use. It either goes off immediately or you have to wait a couple of turns to use it. The enemy does the same, rinse and repeat until something ends up dead. I think you can see why I originally played it (I saw it as a strategy RPG) and why I was disappointed (it's an incredibly muted strategy RPG). There's very little strategy to the combat, since you can just walk up to enemies and spam your most powerful moves with no limit. There's no MP, no limit for individual moves, nothing to prevent the aforementioned scenario. Should the "spam Ultra Mega Death of Deathness" strategy not work and end up killing you, no reason to fret; dying in Live a Live carries less of a penalty than illegally pirating Live a Live in the first place.
 
No wonder the game is so damn short! I intended to mention this earlier, but Firefox forbade it, so I'm forced to do it here: Live a Live only lasted me two weeks, and since some portions of the game barely lasted a day, I think that time may be elongated. "But there are some really good games that aren't that long", you say, forgetting everything I've ever said about interrupting my blogs. And then you cite several examples, somehow having gained the ability to hack my blogs. You're right, there are good games that aren't that long; Live a Live isn't one of them, however, for several reasons. First, poor graphics and music. You've already watched the video, but what you don't know is that this game came out in 1994, the same year as Final Fantasy VI. I think you see what I'm saying. 
 
Second, progressing through the game can be a bit obscure at times. Often times, the game will give you a goal without telling you how to achieve it or what you may need to do so. I'll use the cowboy level as an example because I know that it's the first chapter that everybody plays: some bandits come into town and do bandit things, and they're gonna do it again. You must set up traps around town to keep them from being all bandity upon their return. How do you set up the traps? Fuck if I know. I couldn't figure it out, and the closest I got was figuring out that empty bottles plus oil equaled Molotov cocktails. When I looked it up, I found out that you're apparently supposed to talk to the townspeople, who will set up the traps themselves. The same townspeople, mind you, who I'm trying to protect because they're not strong enough to stop the bandits themselves. Surprisingly, that's not the worst of it.
 
I could have blamed that on the open-endedness of the game, but then I realized that I can't. Why? The non-linear parts of the game are few and far between, and they don't really change the course of the game that much. So what can I blame it on? I don't know, poor design choices? Yea, that sounds right. After all, the final boss of each chapter is easier than making a predictable sex joke right here, and after beating down a slightly more challenging final final boss, you're then forced to face all the final bosses from before, only now they're somehow much easier. Then you're treated to one of the endings you've already seen. Let me follow suit with the ending to a much better blog:
 
What I like are all the random quirks in this game (although ninjas throwing kitchen sinks ( like this) are conspicuously
 The Sexyface Style of fighting: the deadliest.
absent). Your first mega-boss battle is against Oogie Boogie; you can make all your female units attack with purses if you're sexist; and of course, the mediator class. What do I need to say? This class is possibly the best class in any RPG! The whole concept behind him is that he can talk to his enemies, leading to some really funny stuff. How funny? How about convincing the enemy that there is no God, killing people with their words, tell a yo mama joke that sends the enemy into a blind fury, and, if none of that crap works, FUCKING SHOOTING THEM IN THEIR FACE!? Does semen usually leak out your nose, or did I just blow your mind? And if none of that convinced you why I like the game, two things: this boss battle (in concept and presentation, at least), and that it's a complex game that's highly addictive, distinct, and just plain fun. That's a lot like Fire Emblem 4, so I'll give it the Seisen no Keifu Award for Being a Lot Like the Greatest Game Ever.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Playing through 7 different, unique scenarios sounds cool until you realize that it makes the game short and fractured.
  • Imagine a strategy RPG with little strategy. You're probably imagining this game.
  • Not having earned its own award, I give this game the 1/8th of an Award Award.
 
 
 
 
LIES! LIES AND PROPAGANDA!!!
 
 
 

Super Ghouls 'N Ghosts

( I believe this to be one of the most accurate titles in all of gaming.) That's right, more honest than The Orange Box or Zelda's Adventure, Super Ghouls 'N Ghosts takes the cake. In fact, let me give it the Most Honest Title Award. Why am I making a big deal of its honesty in the title? Because that's the first thing that comes to mind after having beaten it: it's Ghouls 'N Ghosts on the SNES.
 
It's exactly like Ghouls 'N Ghosts. Same gameplay, same controls, same story. In fact, let's start with the last one, mainly because I have a hatred for ordered lists. The story follows like this: the princess is holding a party, and for reasons never explained, the devil captures her. Because you're the only person at the party with a suit of armor, you must rescue her. Unfortunately, you forgot to tell everybody that your holy suit of armor is made of Rice Krispies treats. I understand that the forces of evil should be slightly powerful, but it usually doesn't take a single tap against the armor to break it into a million pieces. I've worn a knight helmet in the real world and know for a fact that they're more durable than this. (The underwear, though, is 100% accurate.)
 
 Why wasn't I told back in the first level?
However, he is not completely defenseless; Sir Killed by Bird Poo can now get extra armor types. These give him better weapons, allow him to charge for a mega death attack, and do absolutely nothing to help him survive more attacks. Seriously, Capcom? SERIOUSLY!? That seems like the first thing better armor should do, but that simple concept seemed to fly over your heads completely. Instead, we're stuck with new charge moves. Sounds cool in theory, but unfortunately, the charge attacks aren't that good. One of them shows you where treasure chests are (but is rendered useless by the fact that you have to charge to use it), and another directs an energy dragon into your enemies (it's kinda hard to use, but other than that, no complaints). I suspect that there's another one, but I wasn't going to bother whipping my lance out just to see.
 
Oh my, I forgot to mention the actual weapons. I've only noticed three in the entire game, four if you're counting the "play the game again and use this if you want an ending for the third time" bracelet thing. There's the bow, the lance, and the knife which behaves exactly like the lance. Because they all work in similar ways, they all share the exact same flaws. For example, no shooting vertically. If an enemy happens to be above you, then you have to jump up their position and haphazardly throw lances at them like an unforgiving game of darts. Yay, you did it! Now just climb the ladder and...what is this, there's another one now! Doesn't matter, I'll just shoot it, and it turns out I can't shoot it while I'm on a ladder. Apparently, a suit of armor made of cereal and butter weighs just enough that you can't free an arm to kill things. Doesn't matter, though, right? How many ladders can there be? What's that? Satan is commanding his forces from Home Depot, and I've just developed Lou Gehrig's disease? Fuck you, Princess.
 
If you didn't get what I was going for in that last rambling, it was that SGnG can be cheap. Also, if you didn't get what I was going for in that last rambling, words are probably too complex a concept for you. Stop putting this much stress on your brain and go back to your oxygen tank because you've probably forgotten how to breathe. Anyway, this game is cheap most of the time. Enemies spawn faster than rabbits on Red Bull and Viagra; you only get two hits before dying, and you apparently own the only suit of armor in all the known world; and you can only change mid-air direction/speed with another jump. However, it's still not as cheap as the original Ghosts 'n Goblins, so that's a step in the right direction, I guess. Then again, Ghouls 'n Ghosts wasn't as cheap as Ghosts 'n Goblins, only proving the point I failed to reiterate anywhere in the previous paragraphs.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Either these demons are stupidly powerful or medieval armor was made of papier-mâché.
  • And with only three regular weapons that aren't good at killing, prepare to meet the Grim Reaper. A LOT. Let me introduce you to him.
  • Read this blog twice to get the final bullet.

2 Comments
3 Comments
Posted by Video_Game_King

Live a Live

( Firefox must really hate my blogs.) It seems that whenever I'm typing up crap like this, Firefox prematurely decides that nobody wants to read my writings. I don't care if it's right, that's just mean. Sometimes it'll decide to move my tab into a new window, oblivious to why I use tabs; sometimes, it'll implode itself, taking the blog with it; sometimes....wait, what does this have to do with my original idea? Fuck it, I just don't like Firefox, and I don't like it more than I don't like Live a Live (technically, Live a Evil or Live a 3vil, but whatever).
 
The basic premise of the game is this: you get to choose between a variety of characters from different periods in history, each with their own distinct style of gameplay and fonts. The ninja character has to kill an evil frog demon with the power of stealth gameplay; a psychic Yu-Gi-Oh has to power up robots in the Shin Megami Tensei sing-along (which I sang along to...poorly...); a fighter must rip off Street Fighter in the wrestling period of history (given that this is supposed to be modern times, I'm forced to assume that Obama will wrestle Glenn Beck by the end of 2010); a caveman must get himself and his monkey laid; and now, in the non-wrestling present time, you must ask me how all of these stories connect. Unfortunately, even after beating the game, I can't give you much of an answer. The only connections I noticed before I beat it were just recurring names, and near beating it, the only connection was a deus ex machina that teleported all the heroes to one area just for the sake of connections.
 
 Truly, the thoughts of a shinobi are complex, indeed.
Oh, wait, I just remembered the most important connection: the gameplay. Although the gameplay styles vary quite a bit between the chapters, they still use the exact same engine. How exactly does that engine work? I could say it's a lot like Treasure Hunter G, but since nobody has ever played that game, I'll just say that it's sort of like Shining Force with some of Final Fantasy Tactics' combat mechanisms. You walk up to enemies and select a move you'd like to use. It either goes off immediately or you have to wait a couple of turns to use it. The enemy does the same, rinse and repeat until something ends up dead. I think you can see why I originally played it (I saw it as a strategy RPG) and why I was disappointed (it's an incredibly muted strategy RPG). There's very little strategy to the combat, since you can just walk up to enemies and spam your most powerful moves with no limit. There's no MP, no limit for individual moves, nothing to prevent the aforementioned scenario. Should the "spam Ultra Mega Death of Deathness" strategy not work and end up killing you, no reason to fret; dying in Live a Live carries less of a penalty than illegally pirating Live a Live in the first place.
 
No wonder the game is so damn short! I intended to mention this earlier, but Firefox forbade it, so I'm forced to do it here: Live a Live only lasted me two weeks, and since some portions of the game barely lasted a day, I think that time may be elongated. "But there are some really good games that aren't that long", you say, forgetting everything I've ever said about interrupting my blogs. And then you cite several examples, somehow having gained the ability to hack my blogs. You're right, there are good games that aren't that long; Live a Live isn't one of them, however, for several reasons. First, poor graphics and music. You've already watched the video, but what you don't know is that this game came out in 1994, the same year as Final Fantasy VI. I think you see what I'm saying. 
 
Second, progressing through the game can be a bit obscure at times. Often times, the game will give you a goal without telling you how to achieve it or what you may need to do so. I'll use the cowboy level as an example because I know that it's the first chapter that everybody plays: some bandits come into town and do bandit things, and they're gonna do it again. You must set up traps around town to keep them from being all bandity upon their return. How do you set up the traps? Fuck if I know. I couldn't figure it out, and the closest I got was figuring out that empty bottles plus oil equaled Molotov cocktails. When I looked it up, I found out that you're apparently supposed to talk to the townspeople, who will set up the traps themselves. The same townspeople, mind you, who I'm trying to protect because they're not strong enough to stop the bandits themselves. Surprisingly, that's not the worst of it.
 
I could have blamed that on the open-endedness of the game, but then I realized that I can't. Why? The non-linear parts of the game are few and far between, and they don't really change the course of the game that much. So what can I blame it on? I don't know, poor design choices? Yea, that sounds right. After all, the final boss of each chapter is easier than making a predictable sex joke right here, and after beating down a slightly more challenging final final boss, you're then forced to face all the final bosses from before, only now they're somehow much easier. Then you're treated to one of the endings you've already seen. Let me follow suit with the ending to a much better blog:
 
What I like are all the random quirks in this game (although ninjas throwing kitchen sinks ( like this) are conspicuously
 The Sexyface Style of fighting: the deadliest.
absent). Your first mega-boss battle is against Oogie Boogie; you can make all your female units attack with purses if you're sexist; and of course, the mediator class. What do I need to say? This class is possibly the best class in any RPG! The whole concept behind him is that he can talk to his enemies, leading to some really funny stuff. How funny? How about convincing the enemy that there is no God, killing people with their words, tell a yo mama joke that sends the enemy into a blind fury, and, if none of that crap works, FUCKING SHOOTING THEM IN THEIR FACE!? Does semen usually leak out your nose, or did I just blow your mind? And if none of that convinced you why I like the game, two things: this boss battle (in concept and presentation, at least), and that it's a complex game that's highly addictive, distinct, and just plain fun. That's a lot like Fire Emblem 4, so I'll give it the Seisen no Keifu Award for Being a Lot Like the Greatest Game Ever.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Playing through 7 different, unique scenarios sounds cool until you realize that it makes the game short and fractured.
  • Imagine a strategy RPG with little strategy. You're probably imagining this game.
  • Not having earned its own award, I give this game the 1/8th of an Award Award.
 
 
 
 
LIES! LIES AND PROPAGANDA!!!
 
 
 

Super Ghouls 'N Ghosts

( I believe this to be one of the most accurate titles in all of gaming.) That's right, more honest than The Orange Box or Zelda's Adventure, Super Ghouls 'N Ghosts takes the cake. In fact, let me give it the Most Honest Title Award. Why am I making a big deal of its honesty in the title? Because that's the first thing that comes to mind after having beaten it: it's Ghouls 'N Ghosts on the SNES.
 
It's exactly like Ghouls 'N Ghosts. Same gameplay, same controls, same story. In fact, let's start with the last one, mainly because I have a hatred for ordered lists. The story follows like this: the princess is holding a party, and for reasons never explained, the devil captures her. Because you're the only person at the party with a suit of armor, you must rescue her. Unfortunately, you forgot to tell everybody that your holy suit of armor is made of Rice Krispies treats. I understand that the forces of evil should be slightly powerful, but it usually doesn't take a single tap against the armor to break it into a million pieces. I've worn a knight helmet in the real world and know for a fact that they're more durable than this. (The underwear, though, is 100% accurate.)
 
 Why wasn't I told back in the first level?
However, he is not completely defenseless; Sir Killed by Bird Poo can now get extra armor types. These give him better weapons, allow him to charge for a mega death attack, and do absolutely nothing to help him survive more attacks. Seriously, Capcom? SERIOUSLY!? That seems like the first thing better armor should do, but that simple concept seemed to fly over your heads completely. Instead, we're stuck with new charge moves. Sounds cool in theory, but unfortunately, the charge attacks aren't that good. One of them shows you where treasure chests are (but is rendered useless by the fact that you have to charge to use it), and another directs an energy dragon into your enemies (it's kinda hard to use, but other than that, no complaints). I suspect that there's another one, but I wasn't going to bother whipping my lance out just to see.
 
Oh my, I forgot to mention the actual weapons. I've only noticed three in the entire game, four if you're counting the "play the game again and use this if you want an ending for the third time" bracelet thing. There's the bow, the lance, and the knife which behaves exactly like the lance. Because they all work in similar ways, they all share the exact same flaws. For example, no shooting vertically. If an enemy happens to be above you, then you have to jump up their position and haphazardly throw lances at them like an unforgiving game of darts. Yay, you did it! Now just climb the ladder and...what is this, there's another one now! Doesn't matter, I'll just shoot it, and it turns out I can't shoot it while I'm on a ladder. Apparently, a suit of armor made of cereal and butter weighs just enough that you can't free an arm to kill things. Doesn't matter, though, right? How many ladders can there be? What's that? Satan is commanding his forces from Home Depot, and I've just developed Lou Gehrig's disease? Fuck you, Princess.
 
If you didn't get what I was going for in that last rambling, it was that SGnG can be cheap. Also, if you didn't get what I was going for in that last rambling, words are probably too complex a concept for you. Stop putting this much stress on your brain and go back to your oxygen tank because you've probably forgotten how to breathe. Anyway, this game is cheap most of the time. Enemies spawn faster than rabbits on Red Bull and Viagra; you only get two hits before dying, and you apparently own the only suit of armor in all the known world; and you can only change mid-air direction/speed with another jump. However, it's still not as cheap as the original Ghosts 'n Goblins, so that's a step in the right direction, I guess. Then again, Ghouls 'n Ghosts wasn't as cheap as Ghosts 'n Goblins, only proving the point I failed to reiterate anywhere in the previous paragraphs.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Either these demons are stupidly powerful or medieval armor was made of papier-mâché.
  • And with only three regular weapons that aren't good at killing, prepare to meet the Grim Reaper. A LOT. Let me introduce you to him.
  • Read this blog twice to get the final bullet.

Posted by Sweep

Firefox is the bane of the bloggers life. I tend to have a copy of wordpad open and save a draft at the end of each paragraph, that has been fairly painless.
 
Great blog dude. I actually cracked out my old-school copy of Ghouls & Ghosts the other day and.... damn. I fucking hate those turtles in the second level >< (That's right, I actually made it to the second level!)
 
If you enjoyed this then may I suggest Arkedo Series 01 Jump, it's a new Indie XBL game (only 180ms) that is built around similar retro principles - i.e: you die fast, no continues - but it's SHINY ^_^ It's not as punishing and it has some neat gameplay ideas.

Moderator
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Sweep: 
 
I only do that when crap like this happens. I wish there was an add-on that saved whatever you had in text boxes.
 
The second level!? Man, you suck. Then again, I only made it to the second playthrough before saying that she probably deserved it.
 
Unfortunately, I"m quite lazy with DLC. I've only downloaded a few games, and only one was good (Mega Man 9).