The Steam Sale Dollar Challenge

Posted by Sparky_Buzzsaw (6347 posts) -

My brother and I threw down the gauntlet last night in what has been called the greatest battle since Captain Crunch and Count Chocula duked it out for America's heart. We decided on a fight to the finish, a gaming challenge so devious, so devastating that neither of us would ever recover entirely. That challenge? Buy each other the shittiest game humanly possible for under a buck. Each person would have to play the other's gifted game for a half an hour. Photographic proof would have to be taken, either through videos or Steam screenshots.

Folks, I scoured the sales for hours last night. I enlisted the help of fellow moderator and all around Steam scholar MB in finding a site that helped track the prices of games. I checked reviews. I had Metacritic pulled up in a tab, waiting for me to enter that next shitacular gem into its search field. By the agreed upon time of the ass crack of noon, I was a sweaty, highly caffeinated mess, snapping at strangers, snarling at the sunlight filtering in through my window, and wondering not if I was going to win, but if I was going to survive.

Noon. A wet, dreary day. Fat, low hanging thunderclouds rolling over the mountains. Birds chirping carefree, unaware of the horrors that were about to be unleashed as brother met brother in a virtual battle of bad taste.

We greeted each other online as gentlemen, him with a cautious greeting, me with a virtual tip of my cap. Our digital daggers sheathed for a moment, we took a minute to discuss the details... and do some bullshitting about the day's sales, but that's besides the point. Soon, our polite veneers wore off and we agreed the time was nigh. Cue the music.

War and Fruit and Fish

I sent my game first, but only by moments. The lone bullet in my gun (damn, there's a lot of not-so-sublte phallic imagery in this blog)? Fish Fillets 2.

Fish. Motherfucking. Fillets. The sequel.

Sure. I could've been gentle and gone with something like Legendary, which was mediocre, but still had some shiny graphics. Sure, I could've picked a connect 3 puzzler, of which there are roughly 20,000. But this was not a battle I was taking lightly. There would be no brotherly love shown. No fraternal mercy. I was aiming for a gut shot, something nice and painful and drawn out.

His response was swift and brutal. When that Steam incoming game message came up, I swallowed what spit (and Diet Pepsi) I had left, and I clicked that button with as little trembling in my finger as possible (I really had a lot of caffeine this morning. Damn you, sale on two liters of Pepsi!).

Gut shot? I should've expected it. No. He went for the nut shot. And that Amish-bearded bastard, he succeeded.

The game I'd have to play was Flora's Fruit Farm.

Motherfucker.

The Agony

While my brother dealt with the pain of his wounding by cowardly running to pay bills and deal with real life stuff, I had no such escape. I decided to end my torture quickly and installed Flora's Fruit Farm. I thought I might have time to prepare, to wash my face with water, to to stare at myself in the mirror and try to psych myself up. But holy hell, my friends, those 50 mbs downloaded fast. I rolled my shoulders, grabbed my mouse, and dove into that apple-scented level of citrus-infused hell.

Immediately, I was greeted with... well, no audio whatsoever. At first, I thought I'd managed to mute my game, but nope. It appears as though the audio in that game is just flat-ass busted, as with just about everything about that game. I shuddered through naming my character, opting for the always classy MC Herpes as my handle for this siege upon good taste and fun. Then, I was greeted by the game's hazing phase, a brutal tutorial that made me sit through an insufferable ten minutes of handholding while glossing over the game's "deeper" points. Mind you, this is a game called Flora's Fruit Farm, so it's not exactly rife with complex ideas or gameplay.

By this point, my loyal pug and sometime video game companion was cheering me on by snoring heartily next to me on his chaise lounger (let's face it, all furniture belongs to the dogs). Revitalized by his resolve and window-rattling log-cutting, I decided to forego the rest of the tutorial and brave the game on my own.

At its heart, Flora's Fruit Farm is a watered-down Root Beer Tapper. You grow a tree, from which a handful of fruit grow. You cut down said fruit, drop them off at a stand, and then give the fruit to customers who stand around getting all antsy about buying apples and mangoes and shit. That's it. That's the entire game in a nutshell. There's a day/night cycle, you unlock more fruit to grow and sell, and there are a handful of different environments to unlock.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone. That's a buck you could spend at Taco Bell. It's a buck you could spend on some gummy worms at the dollar store. It's also a buck you could probably tuck away and use to save towards something, but who the fuck saves anymore?

In any case, I survived. Barely. I'm a lesser man now, having been broken and refitted together poorly. I suppose I'll go drown my sorrows in Odin Sphere or SMT: Raidou versus King Abaddon or Kentucky Route Zero. They won't be able to wash away the stain upon my soul, but God willing, they'll ease the suffering.

The Enemy's Take

Here's my brother's video on Fish Fillets 2. He may have wounded me to the core, but it's worth a look anyways.

I don't think there was a winner here today, folks. Mutually assured brotherly destruction is a terrifying concept.

Online
#1 Edited by Capum15 (4966 posts) -

#2 Edited by joshwent (2329 posts) -

If this was a filmed recurring series, I'd watch it.

"Bargain Bin Fratricide", perhaps?

#3 Edited by Mortuss_Zero (362 posts) -

I'm now deeply afraid to see what a Fish Fillets 2 is.

#4 Posted by Sparky_Buzzsaw (6347 posts) -

@mortuss_zero: When my brother posts his video, I'll edit the blog and add it to the end.

Online
#5 Posted by Mortuss_Zero (362 posts) -
#6 Posted by Sparky_Buzzsaw (6347 posts) -

@mortuss_zero: His video is now live and added to the end. That Bronedict Arnold!

Online
#7 Posted by Mortuss_Zero (362 posts) -
#8 Posted by Sparky_Buzzsaw (6347 posts) -
Online
#9 Posted by Slag (4735 posts) -

Fish Fillet 2: The Fishening is my favorite Monday special at Red Lobster.

Good god you were Ice cold to your brother Sparky, that game looks horrendous.

#10 Posted by Mortuss_Zero (362 posts) -

@sparky_buzzsaw: Indeed I do, your brother seems fine, other than the trauma he just went through.

#11 Posted by Corevi (4438 posts) -
#12 Posted by Sparky_Buzzsaw (6347 posts) -

@slag: It was brutal, but he's survived and is recovering well in Bad Game Rehab and Counseling. Where's the pity for me? INSTABAN!

Online
#13 Posted by Slag (4735 posts) -

@slag: It was brutal, but he's survived and is recovering well in Bad Game Rehab and Counseling. Where's the pity for me? INSTABAN!

Ack! But you were more skillful in your selection than your sibling and your bad game resilience is well known. I only meant the highest praise sir.

have pity on a poor foolish poster glorious moderator.

#14 Edited by Sergiy (21 posts) -

Man! Fantastic read, I sat there, with the provided music turned up and read the post aloud, increasing the dramatiscism along with the enthralling song. It was epic.

Anyway, next time you decide to do this you could try looking for "bad rats" or some horribly-made horror game that's nothing but jump scares... but that's only if you're feeling particularly evil :)

#15 Posted by Dalai (7057 posts) -

I couldn't do that to my brother and I know he wouldn't inflict that kind of pain on me. I get him awesome games like Nidhogg because I'm not a sick bastard.

And holy shit Fish Fillets 2 is total garbage.

Online
#16 Posted by Sparky_Buzzsaw (6347 posts) -

@dalai: I maaaaaaybe sorta kinda took just a little bit of pity on him theoughout the week in anticipation of the horror and pain and hooked him up with a few sweet games. And vice versa. But that's rumor and hearsay, mind you!

Online
#17 Edited by ravingham91 (69 posts) -

Haha that was a great read/watch! Fish fillets 2 looks utterly terrible.

#18 Posted by Wampa1 (725 posts) -

@sparky_buzzsaw: I actually have Fish Fillets 2 (which for some insane reason seems to have an x-files motif in it's banner?) From a Humble bundle. Even though that cash went to charity I still almost feel guilty for rewarding it's creation.

#19 Edited by Sparky_Buzzsaw (6347 posts) -

@wampa1: Yeah. I'm not sure what minds thought that one up and said, "Yep. Let's roll with it." But I do not want to meet them.

@ravingham91: Thanks! It really did look atrocious.

Online
#20 Edited by SGReviewRyan (27 posts) -

Hey everybody!

I wanted to say thank you to everybody who commented on this and viewed it. My brother, Sparky, really put me up to a challenge with Fish Fillets 2. (I say it was terrible, it's still on my pc and I have played it after a few libations). If you folks liked this dollar challenge or want us to do another, I'm sure we could find a game (Cough Sparky, Mountain) or two and do another! I want to also compliment Sparky on the well written review on this. Some of the best writing i've read in a while (I don't read, so don't get a big head). Thanks everybody!

Ryan

#21 Posted by Slag (4735 posts) -

@sgreviewryan:

You haven't uninstalled Fish Fillets 2 yet?

Duder at this point that's just self inflicted pain.

Sure I think people would be down to see another go around of this. I'd be curious to see what you'd strike back with.

#22 Posted by Sparky_Buzzsaw (6347 posts) -

@slag: I gifted him a copy of Sakura Spirits yesterday. Making him read is my brother's version of hell.

Online
#23 Posted by SGReviewRyan (27 posts) -

I have to tell you, Fish Fillets 2 gets better with more alcohol! And the only reason I made it through Sakura Spirits was.......you know..........LOL. Anyways, I am new to the site. I don't want to ruffle any feathers. If people want to see the Steam Dollar Challenge continue, let Sparky_Buzzsaw know and we will fire up ROUND 2! FIGHT! Sorry. Couldn't resist.

#24 Posted by BeachThunder (12304 posts) -

What's with the Fish Fillets hate? :( They are genuinely well-designed, and challenging puzzle games - they're both a little too hard for me, but I really enjoyed playing them. In fact, you don't even need to pay a dollar to play the first one - it's free. Go play it! Screw the haters >:(

#25 Posted by SGReviewRyan (27 posts) -

@beachthunder No hates at all! I'm no good at puzzle games, so my brother knows these frustrate me. I do feel in this day and age the game is a bit dated and the ingame voices make me want to jump out my window, but if you like puzzle games, then this is your game!

#26 Posted by Slag (4735 posts) -

@slag: I gifted him a copy of Sakura Spirits yesterday. Making him read is my brother's version of hell.

And the only reason I made it through Sakura Spirits was.......you know..........LOL. Anyways, I am new to the site. I don't want to ruffle any feathers. If people want to see the Steam Dollar Challenge continue, let Sparky_Buzzsaw know and we will fire up ROUND 2! FIGHT! Sorry. Couldn't resist.

Sounds like Sparky started Round 2 already.

#27 Edited by ThunderSlash (1909 posts) -

A friend had been gifted Real Horror Stories: ULTIMATE EDITION (in which one of its listed features was "Even more jumpscares!"). I watched him play through the whole thing, it was literally one of those flash games in which you randomly click around a static scene until something triggers (usually accompanied by loud noise).

#28 Posted by SGReviewRyan (27 posts) -

oh trust me, if this starts up and becomes a thing, i'm going to bring my A game. I will be buying the absolute worst games on Steam. I have a following and will be reaching out!

This edit will also create new pages on Giant Bomb for:

Beware, you are proposing to add brand new pages to the wiki along with your edits. Make sure this is what you intended. This will likely increase the time it takes for your changes to go live.

Comment and Save

Until you earn 1000 points all your submissions need to be vetted by other Giant Bomb users. This process takes no more than a few hours and we'll send you an email once approved.