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563 Comments

ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER'S TOP 10 GAMES OF 2012

ZMF PULLS NO PUNCHES AND NEVER TURNS OFF CAPSLOCK FOR HIS TOP 10 GAMES OF 2012.

ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER DRINKS KESSLER AND IS BANNED FOR LIFE FROM THE GIANT BOMB COMMUNITY FOR NINE HUNDRED COUNTS OF AGGRAVATED OWNAGE. HE LEAVES BITCHES MEWLING IN HIS WAKE AND IF YOU DONT BELIEVE THAT SHIT THEN CHECK THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW

ZODIAC IS A FORMER RESIDENT OF DETROIT BUT THESE DAYS HE ROLLS DOLO FROM CITY TO CITY LIKE A FUCKING DERELICT IN HIS LINCOLN. SO WHEN YOU SEE THAT BLACK BATTLESHIP ROAMING THE STREETS WITH AXEL F BLASTING OUT THE FUCKING WINDOWS YOULL KNOW THAT THE ZODIAC HAS COME TO YOUR TOWN. KNEEL

IN THE MEANTIME PAY HOMAGE AT TWITTER.COM/ZODIAC_MF

10. MIDWAY ARCADE ORIGINS

THIS COMPILATION IS NINETY-FIVE PERCENT BULLSHIT AND IT ACTS LIKE THE HD VERSIONS THAT WERE ON XBOX LIVE LIKE SEVEN FUCKING YEARS AGO NEVER EXISTED BUT IT FEATURES THE GAME OF KINGS JOUST AND IT IS NOW THE ONLY WAY TO ACQUIRE THAT ALLTIME CLASSIC ON XBOX 360. CAN YOU DROP THY OSTRICHS BALLS IN THY OPPONENTS FACE BEFORE HE DOES THE SAME TO THEE? NOPE. YOU PROBABLY CANT

9. SLEEPING DOGS

TAKE GRAND THEFT AUTO ADD SOME AWESOME CHINESE DUDES AND REPLACE THE WACK GUNPLAY WITH TOTAL FUCKING HAND-TO-HAND BRUTALITY AND OWNAGE AND YOU GOT SLEEPING DOGS. I MEAN YEAH IT AINT REVOLUTIONARY OR ANYTHING BUT ITS STILL A BLAST AND I CAN NOT STRESS IT ENOUGH: IT IS IMMENSELY SATISFYING TO BEAT THE HOLY GODDAMN FUCKING SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE IN THIS GAME. ITS LIKE BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM IF BATMAN BEAT FUCKERS TO DEATH WITH WHATEVERS HANDY LIKE HE SHOULD. ATTENTION VOLITION: STEAL THIS SHIT

8. DEFCON: EVERYBODY DIES

YEAH THIS GAME CAME OUT IN 2006 SO ITS KINDA FUCKED UP IM LISTING IT AS ONE OF MY FAVORITE GAMES OF 2012 BUT THERES A COUPLE OF POINTS TO CONSIDER HERE: NUMBER ONE I DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT AND NUMBER TWO IF YOU HAVENT PLAYED IT ITS NEW TO YOU MOTHERFUCKER. BESIDES GIANT BOMB WAS STILL SWIMMING AROUND IN JEFF GERSTMANNS BALLSACK WHEN DEFCON CAME OUT SO IT AINT LIKE I COULDVE NAMED IT BACK THEN EVEN IF I HAD PLAYED IT. POINT IS THIS GAME IS SHEER FUCKING APOCALYPTIC OWNAGE NOT TO MENTION A MASTERPIECE IN MOOD AND HORROR AND WORLDWIDE DESTRUCTION AND IT CAN BE HAD FOR A PITTANCE IN 2012. AND THAT SHITS BETTER THAN NEW. SO FOR ANYBODY LIKE ME WHO FOUND THE COLD WAR TO BE A HUGETIME DISAPPOINTMENT WITH A LOT OF BUILDUP AND NO PAYOFF THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO SEE THE NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON WE WERE PROMISED INSTEAD OF A LOT OF ANTICLIMACTIC PERESTROIKA HORSESHIT

7. THE WITCHER 2: ASSASSINS OF KINGS

WELL GODDAMN THIS SHIT WOULD BE BEST IN SHOW AT THE FLAGRANT BUSH AWARDS BUT I NEVER GOT AROUND TO FINISHING IT SO ITS ONLY NUMBER SEVEN HERE. BUT MAN I GOTTA SAY WHEN THIS GAME CAME OUT FLASHING MORE BEAVER THAN A 1982 HUSTLER I FIGURED THOSE FUCKING MUMMIES AT THE NEWS NETWORKS WOULD BE FANNING THEMSELVES FOR WEEKS AND WHIPPING ALL THE OLD FUCKS UP INTO A FUCKING RAGE. BUT NOBODY REALLY CARED AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF DAMN BETWEEN THAT AND THE SUPREME COURT RULING AGAINST ASSHOLE IN ASSHOLE V. ENTERTAINMENT MERCHANTS ASSOCIATION MAYBE WEVE FINALLY TURNED A FUCKING CORNER AS A CULTURE HERE. THEN SOME MODCUT DIPSHIT SHOT UP A GRADE SCHOOL AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW CNN IS REPORTING THAT STARCRAFT TOLD HIM TO DO IT AND CONGRESSBITCHES ARE TALKING ABOUT VIDEOGAME HEARINGS AGAIN. ONE STEP FORWARD TWO STEPS THE FUCK BACK

6. HITMAN: ABSOLUTION

IM SURE THE HITMAN STORYLINE IS FASCINATING AND ALL BUT ILL BE HONEST WITH YOU NO MATTER HOW FAR I GET INTO THE GAME I KEEP GOING BACK TO THAT SECOND LEVEL WHERE OUR MAN 47 WHACKS SOME JUMPED UP PUNK WHO CALLS HIMSELF THE KING OF CHINATOWN DESPITE THE FACT THAT HES JUST A LOWRENT MOTHERFUCKER IN A NINETY DOLLAR SUIT WHO DOESNT EVEN FIGURE INTO THE PLOT IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS PIECE OF SHIT HAS DIED A THOUSAND DEATHS AT MY HANDS: IVE SHOT HIM IVE BLOWN HIM UP IVE POISONED HIM IVE DUMPED HIS STUPID ASS DOWN A MANHOLE IVE CRUSHED HIM WITH SOME LIKE PALLETS OR SOME FUCKING SHIT HELL I EVEN BLUDGEONED HIM TO DEATH WITH A FUCKING BOTTLE IN FRONT OF AN ARMY OF COPS LIKE DO SOMETHING. BUT MY PERSONAL FAVORITE WAS FOLLOWING HIM INTO AN ALLEY AND FILLETING HIS FUCKING ASS WITH A SUSHI KNIFE BEFORE TOSSING HIM IN A FUCKING DUMPSTER AND SAUNTERING AWAY LIKE I JUST WON SIX BUCKS AT KENO. AND I DID IT ALL DRESSED LIKE A COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLE

5. FAR CRY 3

I FUCKED UP A SHARK

4. DISHONORED

AS ANY DUMBASS CAN PLAINLY SEE I FIND THAT GAMES WHERE YOU STALK MOTHERFUCKERS AND MURDER THEM ALL UNAWARES ARE ALWAYS ACES. THIS ONES NO EXCEPTION BUT THERES EVEN MORE SHIT TO RECOMMEND IT INCLUDING AN AWESOME MAGIC SYSTEM AND A FRESH SETTING AND HITGIRL AND CERSEI LANNISTER. AND THAT MASK FUCKING OWNS. BUT WHILE THERES A LOT OF WAYS TO APPROACH THIS GAME AND THE DESIGNERS TRIED TO INCORPORATE A COST TO OWNAGE LETS FACE FUCKING THE FACTS HERE THERES ONLY ONE WAY TO PLAY: HIGH CHAOS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. I FIGURE FUCK IT THEY STARTED IT

3. XCOM: ENEMY UNKNOWN

THIS IS BASICALLY LIEUTENANT GORMAN THE VIDEOGAME BECAUSE IT WILL LEAVE YOU SHIVERING LIKE A SHELLSHOCKED BITCH WATCHING HALF YOUR FUCKING SQUAD DIE MISERABLE FUCKED UP DEATHS BECAUSE YOU SUCK AT PLANNING SHIT. I NEVER WOULDVE GUESSED THAT TURNBASED GAMEPLAY COULD BE SO INTENSE BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT: IRONMAN MODE IS NO FUCKING JOKE. FOR REAL YOU GOTTA HAVE BALLS LIKE BILLY SQUIER TO PLAY THAT SHIT FOR ANY EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME. BUT NO MATTER HOW YOU PLAY MAKE SURE YOU NAME YOUR SOLDIERS BEFORE MARCHING THEM INTO BULLSHIT ALIEN HELL. LET THEM GET THEIR COCKS KNOCKED IN THE DIRT WITH SOME FUCKING DIGNITY

2. THE WALKING DEAD

EVERYBODYS ALREADY TORQUING THE SNORKEL OVER THIS ONE SO ILL KEEP IT SHORT: TEAM KENNY. CHARACTER OF THE FUCKING YEAR

1. BORDERLANDS 2

GAME OF THE FUCKING YEAR WITHOUT QUESTION. NONSTOP ENTERTAINMENT AND OWNAGE BY THE POUND WITH HUGELY MEMORABLE CHARACTERS BRINGING LAUGHS TO SPARE. I MEAN HOLY SHIT IMAGINE THAT: A VIDEOGAME THATS FUNNIER THAN YOUR AVERAGE FUCKING SALLY FORTH STRIP. AND THATS JUST ICING ON THE CAKE BECAUSE THIS IS A TOTAL FUCKING MASTERPIECE IN ALMOST EVERY REGARD. MORE THAN THAT CHECK OUT CLASS ACT GEARBOX SUPPORTING THIS SHIT WITH THE KILLER DLC AND THE REGULAR FREE BONUS ITEMS AND EVEN THROWING IN A MOVING TRIBUTE TO A FAN. THAT MY MOTHERFUCKERS IS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR CUSTOMERS. BUT ALL THAT RESPECTABLE SHIT ASIDE THE RAW FUCKING FUN FACTOR ON THIS THING IS THROUGH THE ROOF. HELL THERES AN ENTIRE QUEST DEVOTED SOME FUCKING IMBECILE ASKING YOU TO SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE. I WAS LIKE HEY HAVE IT YOUR WAY MOTHERFUCKER. AND THE MULTIPLAYER HERE IS THE BEST COOP YOURE GONNA FIND. FOUR PLAYERS AGAINST THE BNK3R ON WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD IS PRACTICALLY A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE. I SAY WITH EVERY FUCKING CONFIDENCE THAT ONLY BEATOFFS DONT LIKE THIS GAME. AND WHILE IM ANOINTING THIS SHIT IT ID LIKE TO MAKE SPECIAL NOTE TO TINY TINA: AWESOME CHARACTER BENT ON TORTURE AND REVENGE AND BLOWING FUCKERS UP BUT THE REAL STORY THERE IS ASHLY BURCH WHO DOES HER VOICE. YEAH I MEAN THAT CHICA MIGHT BE OLD NEWS TO ALL YOU GAMERCHICK FETISH HAVING CHIPHEAD MOTHERFUCKERS GUNZERKING INTO A KLEENEX EVERY TIME SOME Z-LIST SNIZZ PRETENDS TO LIKE VIDEOGAMES BUT I DONT FOLLOW INTERNET BULLSHIT SO SHE WAS A FUCKING REVELATION OVER HERE. FUCK YOUTUBE PUT THAT LITTLE HOTNESS ON REAL TELEVISION. OR MY LAP

DISHONORABLE MENTION: MASS EFFECT 3

THIS GAME SHOULDVE BEEN HOT SHIT IN A GOLDEN BOWL BUT THEY FUCKED IT ALL UP. SO I SAY FUCK IT. FUCK ITS BULLSHIT NICKELANDDIMEASS TEXT ONLY FETCHQUESTS AND FUCK IT FOR COCKTEASING US WITH AN ELCOR WORLD MISSION. FUCK THAT PHONYASS MEANINGLESS FUCKING WAR ASSET MECHANIC AND FUCK THE DLC THAT I HAVENT SPENT A FUCKING DIME ON LET ALONE A MINUTE OF THIS AWESOME LIFE. MOTHERFUCK THE MONEYGRUBBING FUCKING MULTIPLAYER AND FUCK THE WAY YOU CANT HOLSTER YOUR FUCKING GUN AND REALLY FUCK THAT WACK FUCKING TACKED ON RIPOFF AT FREE BULLSHITASS FOUR SCENE TWO FUCKING GIGABYTE ENDING THAT THEY RELEASED THREE MONTHS AFTER I STOPPED GIVING A FUCKING SHIT. FUCK MASS EFFECT 3 FOR FUCKING THE DOG IN THE ELEVENTH HOUR. HELL FUCK MASS EFFECT 4 WHATEVER THE FUCK THATS GONNA BE. AND FUCK THOSE STROKERS CALLING THEMSELVES BIOWARE THESE DAYS. THEY TOOK A MEGAFRANCHISE IN ITS PRIME AND THEY PUT A BULLET IN ITS TEMPLE. UNFUCKINGPRECEDENTED. FUCK IT AND FUCK THEM. THEY BROKE MY FUCKING HEART

563 Comments
Posted by chogi

I misread his introduction as the President of Detroit. Now I'm kinda disappointed that he's not.

Posted by Atwa

UP HIGH!! FUCK MASS EFFECT 3 !! 

Posted by Ghostiet

@crusader8463 said:

Seeing this fool get a front page article every year reminds me of how powerless the mods really are on this site sometimes. As long as someone on the staff thinks the guy is funny he gets a free pass. Can't stand double standards like that and is something that always annoyed me about how this site is run. Oh well. I'm sure someone will be along shortly to insult me or to tell me how I just don't get it.

Yes, double standard, which is why the dude is still banned from the forums and the staff never overturned said decision.

Posted by NapTimeSleeper

This is a great list from a great man.

Posted by Nightriff

So why do people think this guy is funny? Am I missing something?

Posted by WMWA

Too much venom being spewed on both sides right now. Sheesh, people. Go hug someone. Smile. Please?

Edited by CaLe

@evildeadron said:

You really have an obsession with dicks and ejaculation, don't you?

It's because mine is so small.

Posted by laserbolts

@Nightriff said:

So why do people think this guy is funny? Am I missing something?

A sense of humour.

Posted by Redhorn

@WMWA: NO

Posted by KingOfIceland

Me and ZMF are 100% on the same page regarding Mass Effect 3.

Posted by Branthog

I guess I must have been away when this guy became a thing. I don't think I've heard of him. That said -- you can say "MOTHERFUCKER" in article headlines, but not forum subjects?

Also, WHERE IS FUCKING JOHNNY V'S LIST?!

Edited by AMyggen

@ZGoon said:

Still have no idea who ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER is, or how this all began, but this is still so goddamn funny.

I'm pretty sure he started out as a commenter in The AV Club's comment section (where he reached about 6000 posts, but I don't see him much anymore over there...not enough OWNAGE, I suppose), and then got onto Twitter and got a pretty sizeable following there (I do believe his account was hacked at one point though). As with Ryan here at GB, he seemed to be the most loved commenter by the staff at that site, to the point where they named their internal server thingy after him, and he never got banned (to be fair, that site has one of the most liberal moderation policy I've seen).

And that's your nerd history lesson for today. ZMF even did an audio commentary track for Crank 2 for the entire movie, dig that up if you like what his gimmick, it's pretty good.

edit: Here it is: http://www.avclub.com/articles/crank-2-downloadable-audio-commentary-by-zmf,33203/

Posted by Morris

Gotta love Motherfucker, great list.

Posted by zombiesatemycereal

@Branthog said:

I guess I must have been away when this guy became a thing. I don't think I've heard of him. That said -- you can say "MOTHERFUCKER" in article headlines, but not forum subjects?

Also, WHERE IS FUCKING JOHNNY V'S LIST?!

His list last year was late, so Ryan decided not to ask for one this year.

Posted by RichyHahn4

I read it...but now I have this ringing in my ears

Posted by MjHealy

Zodiac MF is here. The realest Game of the Year.

Posted by Mister_V

So has this guy done anything of note apart from getting banned from these forums? Becasue if thats the case im considering sending Pictures of my junk so i can have my own top 10 list next year.

Posted by Paindamnation

5. FAR CRY 3

I FUCKED UP A SHARK

Enough said.

Posted by beepmachine

I love that every time ZMF shows up here people go ape shit. It's just good fun guys, chill out.

Posted by Redhorn

@CaLe said:

@laserbolts said:

@CaLe said:

I am good at writing in broken English but I don't get any special privileges? Why does someone who is good at sounding angry get special privileges?

Because Ryan has a boner for him, that's why.

because hes entertaining and interesting thats why.

I get the entertaining part, although it's highly subjective. Not so much the interesting. I'm not saying I want a top 10, I don't. I just don't see why a banned user should get that privilege.

Other than the fact that Ryan has wet dreams about him, I mean. I guess that's enough.

because being banned from the forum is about as important as............ being banned from an internet forum

Posted by Animasta

@Phatmac said:

@ThePickle
ZMF is better than this place anyway.

it's true

Posted by Fallen189
@crusader8463 said:

Seeing this fool get a front page article every year reminds me of how powerless the mods really are on this site sometimes. As long as someone on the staff thinks the guy is funny he gets a free pass. Can't stand double standards like that and is something that always annoyed me about how this site is run. Oh well. I'm sure someone will be along shortly to insult me or to tell me how I just don't get it.

Saying this, I'm sure you won't do anything about it, you'll still be posting on the forums, because you got over it by tomorrow
Posted by Amaru25

lol this list is actually the most similar to mine

Posted by Thor_Molecules

Never change, ZMF.

Great list.

Posted by Hailinel

@laserbolts said:

@CaLe said:

I am good at writing in broken English but I don't get any special privileges? Why does someone who is good at sounding angry get special privileges?

Because Ryan has a boner for him, that's why.

because hes entertaining and interesting thats why.

He is neither.

Posted by PsEG

@Branthog: The ban on cursing in forum subjects was something the staff asked of us back in the Whiskey days, if memory serves me right. I don't recall hearing a specific reason, but my assumption (which may very well be completely incorrect) is that it might have something to do with optimization for search engines or some crazy noise like that, since apparently they don't like swear words or naked cartoon somethingsomething.

Moderator
Posted by jdownes

ZM is Sushi-X.

Regarding the article, if you don't like it, don't read it. Even if he's banned from the GB community, he represents a valid portion of consumers.

Posted by CollyWolly
@PsEG you're both from Michigan. Can't you build on that?
Edited by Milkman

Okay, I have to call bullshit on Zodiac praising Tiny Tina though. She sucks. A rare misstep for the Motherfucker.

Posted by Krummey

Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god. Seriously the best late Christmas present ever.

Posted by Ghostiet

@KingOfIceland said:

Me and ZMF are 100% on the same page regarding Mass Effect 3.

Me too - he speaks the truth, and I admire the truth.

Posted by notworksafe

ZMF's Top 10 is excellent not only because he's hilarious but because of the clownshoe mods getting butthurt about a dude they banned being able to post on the site.

Spot on regarding Mass Effect as well. Good stuff, ZMF

Posted by Hailinel

@yeah_its_me said:

ZM is Sushi-X.

Regarding the article, if you don't like it, don't read it. Even if he's banned from the GB community, he represents a valid portion of consumers.

Which portion is that? The psychotic, the sociopathic, or the perpetually high on Charlie Sheen levels of cocaine?

Posted by Meepasaurus

THIS IS A PRETTY OKAY LIST.

Posted by Miketakon

BUNCHA BABIES ATLEAST HE DIDNT HAVE SLENDER MAN ON HIS LIST

Posted by Cloudenvy

@Hailinel said:

@laserbolts said:

@CaLe said:

I am good at writing in broken English but I don't get any special privileges? Why does someone who is good at sounding angry get special privileges?

Because Ryan has a boner for him, that's why.

because hes entertaining and interesting thats why.

He is neither.

Second time today you hit the nail on the head, Hailinel!

But some people seem to enjoy this, so we should just let them have their moment!

Posted by Claude

I like this other motherfucker.

Posted by Oldirtybearon
ZODIAC IS A FORMER RESIDENT OF DETROIT BUT THESE DAYS HE ROLLS DOLO FROM CITY TO CITY LIKE A FUCKING DERELICT IN HIS LINCOLN. SO WHEN YOU SEE THAT BLACK BATTLESHIP ROAMING THE STREETS WITH AXEL F BLASTING OUT THE FUCKING WINDOWS YOULL KNOW THAT THE ZODIAC HAS COME TO YOUR TOWN

That is the funniest shit I think I've read all week. Holy crap that's amazing.

Posted by grubber788

The butt hurt in these comments is legitimately hilarious. It's like this guy murdered someone, fled the country and is successfully evading extradition. We're about three pages away from a people's revolution against impotent moderators or the formation of a posse to find and capture Zodiac.

Posted by LackingSaint

10 out of 10

Posted by marbleCmoney

FUCK THE FUCK YEAH

Posted by CaLe

@Claude said:

I like this other motherfucker.

This other motherfucker from another mother, fucker?

Posted by Applederp

FUCK THE HATERS THIS LIST OWNS

Posted by CharlesAlanRatliff

It's about time Mass Effect 3 and BioWare got what they deserve on the front page of this site. Great list.

Posted by DaveC524

CAPS FUCKING LOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Paradigmer

I don't get ZDMF at all, but I love him.

Posted by bloodsoul5

Beautiful list.

Edited by Ghost_of_Perdition

I got the WRONG idea when the introduction started off by saying he drinks Kessler. Yeah, I know. Whiskey.

HE LEAVES BITCHES MEWLING IN HIS WAKE AND IF YOU DONT BELIEVE THAT SHIT THEN CHECK THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW

Worth repeating.

Posted by MariachiMacabre

He's still doing this joke, huh? At least he's persistent, I guess.

Posted by EisforExtinction