Fable III
( Right now, there is somebody on Earth who is fucking pissed at me for titling blog such as this.) Hopefully, there are even more than that, if I did my job correctly. But I had to make that title! Why? Well, partially because I wanted to fuck with Psycosis, but also because that's really one of the main reasons why I played Fable III. The fact that it's a cool game was merely an a-wait, I've already used that joke. It's good. (The game, not necessarily the joke. But the joke is s-LET'S JUST GET ON WITH THE DAMN BLOG ALREADY!)So, back to what I was talking about before I distracted myself (fuck me): Fable III. Turns out there's another reason I had to play this: I can teach you how to King properly. It all began with Fable II, a game I didn't like. Then things happened, and then Fable III began. Those things included "forgetting about Fable II, except for a few instances" and "the Industrial Revolution." Also, chickens. TONS OF FUCKING CHICKENS. (Take note of how this game forces you to become Chickenhead. Peter Molyneux is a man to be feared, only barely because he's a dogman with magical testicles.) But that's not what the game's about; it's actually about building support (and ripping off the Thundercats anime a couple of times, all the while hoping that the NPCs just fucking shut up) to rebel against your asshole brother for being a shit King. Oh, and those are the only character traits he gets: asshole and shit King. Also, sexist, given that one of his first acts is to say that "the war room is no place for a 'gina". (That's an actual quote.) Granted, he tries to have some amount of humanity near the end, but (for reasons you'll see later on) there's no way it could ever work. But you know what could work? The "support" thing from earlier. Turns out that one thing that Fable III's really good at is making you feel like you're gaining the support of the people. I'd say that it's limited to seeing a bunch of ghosts in the Road to Rule (imagine The Spirit's boss fight, only without the terrifying connotations), but it isn't. (So why would I say it?) Just walk around any town, and you'll see how much your people love you...or how much they'd like to see your guts hanging from the rooftops. Depends on how much of an asshole you are.
So what do you play it for? Exploration? I hope you mean "quests", because if you meant "exploration", you're clearly not ashamed of being really, really stupid. To be fair, Fable III is pretty conducive to exploration. The environments seem to be large and open, and there's a lot of stuff hidden away in the dungeons and towns and whatevers. Combine that with the fact that there are a lot of such whatevers, a...w....what's that? Is that the dog? Oh hell. This little nutsucker destroys any hope of exploration. If there's a secret within 200 yards of your character, the dog's gonna find that and force you to spawn a shovel from the nether-realm (I was playing as a female character wearing goddamn nothing, so don't think about it too much). Just let me find things on my own, dog. I don't want you pointing me toward every secret there is. (I'd have similar complaints against the glowing trail, but since it sucks, it doesn't do as much damage as the dog.) I don't even want you. You have absolutely no use outside pointing me to things I should have found on my own (or did, in some cases). What's that? Combat? When? When does the dog serve any combat purposes? I don't remember his growls ever doing anything for the combat. Let's see, what other uses could he have?.....Socialization? I can't fuck the dog, so it's a useless endeavor. Speaking of fucking, FUCK YOU, MOLYNEUX! FUCK YOU AND YOUR MAGICAL DOG PRANKS!
I wish I could say the same about the battle system. I also wish I could say that I hate it, since that would make for a better blog. But alas, I am doomed to kinda sorta like it, somewhat. So, the battle system: you get your choice of magic, melee, or guns. Each one feels a bit button-mashy, but two things about that: first, it's like Kingdom Hearts, so I can't really complain. Second, you can choose not to mash a single button repeatedly like a terrible Smashing Pumpkins song. There's some actual strategy to be had in blocking attacks or manually aiming or charging your lightning for twelve minutes. Of course, it's also very easy to stick to one weapon or spell the entire game, but the point I'm failing to make is that the option's there. Speaking of options, though, the weapon customization kinda sucks. Remember way back in....i can't even remember the year, but remember how in Fable II, weapons and spells upgraded based on how often you used them? Somehow, that was the one thing that Molyneux removed from the game. Not the dog (egotist prick), but the cool weapon system. And what do you get in return? Opening chests to upgrade your weapons. I know that part of the idea behind sequels is to introduce creative new ideas, but it's usually understood that those ideas have to be good ideas.
Hold on, I forgot to mention the one reason this blog is going to be awesome: the Kinging feature. Remember that part about you overthrowing your asshole brother? You know, from twenty chapters ago? Guess what? The game doesn't end there. Now you have to rule the Kingdom in his place. Don't expect anything too complex, though; it's mostly just a few decisions you can take at your leisure. But that's OK, and you know why? You still get the feeling that it's not so easy to rule a Kingdom and be beloved by your citizens. And I do mean you. I, on the other hand, found it to be really fucking easy. (Like the rest of the game, but that's not important right now.) It's just about managing numbers while not giving in to local asshole (that's pretty much his only job; the game even says so when he enters your court) Reaver. But fret not, dear peasants! I will not keep my amazing Kinging secrets...well, secret. I'm going to share with you the best way to rule a Kingdom.
- Abandon your dignity and become a dirty hippy. Sorry, but you gotta start somewhere, and why not make pies for homeless children and play your dirty hippy guitar? These are all great ways to make money (although I'm confused as to why homeless children are spending their money on pies instead of homes), which leads right into step two:
- Buy every business and house in Albion. This step was specifically designed to piss off both hippies and Republicans. OK, in actuality, that's just a great side-effect of this step. It was really there to allow me to...
- Jack up the prices like crazy. What are they gonna do? Buy from some other business? Live in the streets? I OWN ALL OF ALBION, FOOLS! That's the key to being a good ruler: make the people think that they want what I'm forcing them into. That way, they'll hand over all t-oops, that's the fourth step.
- Let the money flow forth. No, seriously, just let it flow forth. You'll be raking in enough money to recreate the intro to DuckTales, if you put on your chicken suit. (Or perhaps your very being will be consumed by Chickenhead, leading to the end of Albion. Only one way to find out). Of course, there's no way you're going to do something so brazen and irresponsible; instead, you go through with step five:
- Dump it all into the treasury. That way, you can tell Reaver to go eat a dick without bankrupting your entire Kingdom. That's the part mots people seem to forget.
Review Synopsis
- I don't have much to say about the story, but A LOT to say about how it's presented, at least in theory.
- There are just so many cool ways to interact with the world of Albion.
- I would put Molyneux on a leash and harness his power for myself, but he has the power to turn himself into exactly twenty-seven snakes whenever he wants. I'm not touching that.
This is why you don't let the Cookie Monster write your episodes of Sesame Street:
Super Valis IV
( Wait, didn't I JUST do a Valis game?) Actually, yes, I did. In fact, it was of so much justness that I'm not going to bother linking you to the blog in question. So why am I tackling Valis again? Well, it's all about the title. Unfortunately, I still have dignity, so I couldn't cover those hentai games. So here's the next best thing: Super Valis IV. And I really do mean t...no, I don't. I don't mean that this is the next step up from those games. That would be Syd of Valis, the pathetically easy, chibified Valis II. Wait, where was I going with this? Oh, right: Valis III is still the best Valis game ever.However, there is one thing it beats the other Valis games in: less Yuko. You know, the girl who was confused by rain (probably because she's several species of alien)? Turns out that she's a god now or something. How's that working out? Not too well, apparently. Apparently, some dickhead named Gallagher (man, the creativity of the villain names has been dropping quite a bit over these games, hasn't it?) has decided to be evil and stuff. While that's a strong enough motivation for a game, it isn't for Yuko, so she's sitting this one out. Who steps up in her place? Lena/Rena/ Starfire. She's some random girl. That's all the characterization you're getting, and that's pretty much all the story you're getting. Kind of disappointing for a Valis game, especially one that seems to be accepting that it's an anime. But all you get are a couple of anime stills with sloppily translated text (I guess the more Japanese the name of the console, the more willing people are to confirm stereotypes of them) every now and then. The worst part, though, is that this game could really use the story. I need only point to one level to illustrate my point: Valhalla. Yes, somehow, the Norse afterlife makes its way into Dreamland. But it's not Valhalla; it's Oz. Only instead of falling asleep among the flowers, you go to church. Why? How should I know? I'm still trying to figure out how a Valis game became Teen Titans eleven years before the cartoon became big.
So is there anything that I genuinely and unapathetically like about this game? Not really, although boss fights take a unique twist. Super Valis IV is not a game that is willing to put up with your bullshit. Grind around too much, and bad things start to happen. Bad things like the boss gaining power. Better haul ass through these flat levels, Starfire. There's not a lot of time to grind or have interesting levels or anything. Not that I'm complaining or anything....about the grinding. It provides a decent balance and stuff. Besides, even if you don't like it, you still get some pretty cool bosses, like a Gradius boss combined with a regular boss, or something that would feel comfortable in its confusing Antisemitism, or....Death? The one from Castlevania? Did Telenet Japan read that one comment somewhere about Valis being like Castlevania, and then give up on refuting it? How's that the one theme that remains consistent between these blogs? Oh, and speaking of death, guess what happens when you die? If you said "you go back to the beginning of the level and lose all your EXP and HP bonuses", then you fucking scare me. Why not write the rest of this blog, Mr. Psychic?....That's what I thought. Odd that you didn't predict the most predictable part: it's not an especially long game. At this point, I'm just parroting myself from previous blogs, so let's end this one before I fall into a wormhole or something.
Review Synopsis
- Not a lot of story in a game series that's kinda big on story.
- I wouldn't call the levels bad by any measure of the word; just really boring.
- Combat's cool, though, I guess.
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