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#1 Posted by Unilad (580 posts) -

Hey everyone,

I just want to know what your relationship with your father is like, and how it (at all) has changed your character, or led to your success or failure.

I have a awful relationship with my father. We argue all the time. No matter what I do (I currently go to Law School, and have never led been a trouble.) He has called me a disappointment to my face on multiple occasions. He loves my brother, and has the real relationship that I would love to have. I'm not a great sports person, but my brother is, and that is what my Dad seems to care about. My brother does not work hard, has led to the police having to talk to my father about his behaviour. None of this seems to matter.

His behaviour has simply made me work harder, and act as a role model as how not to treat people.

I was just wondering whether anyone else has similar stories.

Sam

#2 Edited by xaLieNxGrEyx (2605 posts) -

Haven't seen him since I was 10. I'm 22 now.

My step-father was abusive until I beat the shit out of him for hitting my after I got too big to hit. Then he left. He was a piece of shit.

My real dad however I'm neutral with, I'd see him if he wanted it.

#3 Posted by Cloudenvy (5891 posts) -

I pretty much love my father more than anyone. He's quiet, observant (yet still doesn't stick his nose in where it doesn't belong) and if something particularly rough happened in my life he'd always wait for me to be ready and bring it up instead of trying to force it out of me.

His philosophy has always been "the less dumb shit you do, the longer the leash." and that's worked out amazingly well.

#4 Posted by ManU_Fan10ne (659 posts) -

@Cloudenvy said:

I pretty much love my father more than anyone. He's quiet, observant (yet still doesn't stick his nose in where it doesn't belong) and if something particularly rough happened in my life he'd always wait for me to be ready and bring it up instead of trying to force it out of me.

His philosophy has always been "the less dumb shit you do, the longer the leash." and that's worked out amazingly well.

more or less the same thing with my dad too.

#5 Posted by AhmadMetallic (18954 posts) -

If you don't mind my saying, your father is a fucking asshole who does not deserve your love or support when he grows old.  
 
Jesus some men don't fucking understand how they radically damage their sons with what they say or do.

#6 Posted by PeasantAbuse (5138 posts) -

My dad is a chill bro, we get along very well.

Online
#7 Posted by JacDG (2130 posts) -

Never knew him, never heard anything about him, and haven't had a step-dad either so no real male role model in my life..

#8 Posted by Buscemi (1106 posts) -

I don't know. It's kind of weird. We don't talk about much else than football and music, but we love each other. We just don't say it.

#9 Posted by Tylea002 (2295 posts) -

My dad's a complete cunt, he left bout 9 years ago now and since then has been making life really hard on my mum, and I forgive him way too easily.

It just makes me feel guilty for wanting to have a father.

God Damn Parents, never making it easy.

#10 Posted by Hailinel (25205 posts) -

I still talk to him on the phone every week. We don't agree on a lot of things, and he can be humorless sometimes, but he's cool.

#11 Edited by TruthTellah (9475 posts) -

My father is a sociopath.

Due to my dislike for him growing up, I focused on being nothing like him, and that has made me more understanding of women and interested in having greater empathy for others. Our relationship has gotten better over time as I've come to accept who he is and the issues he has, but I still keep him at a decent distance. He may be one of the most charming and talented people I've ever known, but that's not the man he really is with those closest to him. My interest in reconciling that relationship and better understanding him has also led me to be more accepting and patient with people who often rub others the wrong way. Often, jerks, elitists, and narcissists just need more time to get to the decent parts of them that are there.

He also helped me realize that, despite the benefits of faking who you are, it's best to just be honest and open with others as much as possible. It may make things more difficult, but it's better than living a lie or holding yourself back from living to your full potential.

#12 Posted by believer258 (12204 posts) -

I can't really think of how to answer this. He's never been abusive in the least but he's also never particularly tried to talk to me about anything I really care about or even really get to know me beyond "Get a fucking job, get a girlfriend, and you need an education". When he does sit down to talk to me and I try to bring the subject to what I want to say, he pulls it to something else. Like getting a job, getting a big social life, becoming what he never was...

I can't say that I don't care but I also can't really praise him tons. If I ever have kids, I'll try not to be as apathetic towards what they want to say and think as he often is, but as far as making sure they have food and a roof and an education, I'll strive to do as well as he did. Just in a less disinterested way.

#13 Edited by jakob187 (21762 posts) -

My dad grew up with an abusive dad on a farm in Ohio. Went to 'Nam in the Navy as a ship mechanic, ended up body bagging his buddies before the end of it all. Had an incident with a belt grinder that left him without one of his fingers (he now has three missing on one hand), so he was honorably discharged.

After that, he worked on small engines, then moved into carpentry. He basically worked non-stop to provide for my mother and us boys (I have two brothers, one 2 years younger and one 7 years younger). I rarely ever saw him because he was always working, and it meant that we never got to spend much time outside of when I was in Little League. It meant I ended up being more into the stuff that my mother was interested in (books, movies, music, arts in general) rather than my father's interests (cars, outdoors, fishing, etc). It made it difficult to really talk to him.

As I grew up, I started eventually working my way into some of that stuff that my father was into (I'm not a gearhead necessarily, but I love working on my own car). We were able to finally start talking about more stuff, but then my parents "found God" about a year or two ago.

That has probably caused the most strain on our relationship, as they feel the need to try shoving those beliefs down peoples' throats, and I am not okay with that form of "Christianity". In turn, I'm basically a heathen in their eyes that they will still talk to because they don't want to abandon their kids. Nonetheless, I get a different look from them now than I did before.

So yeah...my dad was cool growing up, if not a bit short-tempered and took the belt to us a little too quickly. However, he's been a hard-working muthafucker for most of his life for little in return. Nonetheless, while some people can say "well, my dad left when I was...", I can say "my dad is there, but he's not there like he used to be". It's kind of a shitty feeling. This is the man that introduced me to Led Zeppelin, and now he's the man that shuns Zep because it's not Christian music.

I still love the man, but he's not the man I knew.

#14 Posted by Liquidus (942 posts) -

It's not complete shit but not anything special either. Distant, both figuratively and literally, would be the best way to describe it. I guess it could have been much worse considering he was an alcoholic.

#15 Posted by iam3green (14390 posts) -

my father is a great guy. see him almost everyday, sometimes work during the day and get home at night.

#16 Posted by HatKing (6114 posts) -

Man, seems like everybody here either has a great relationship with their father or a shit one. Unfortunately I fit into the latter category. Excuse me for not divulging details.

#17 Posted by _Zombie_ (1462 posts) -

Most of the time me and my dad get along perfectly. Occasionally we'll get into really nasty shouting matches, though.

#18 Edited by InternetCrab (1504 posts) -

Haven't seen my dad for about a year, but he's a cool guy that also likes to game at times (he's 45). But he mostly plays the Kinect.

#19 Posted by matthias2437 (985 posts) -

My Dad and I get along very well. There was a little tension when I decided that I didn't like hunting (something he loves doing and tried getting me to like for a few years) and was going to be a programmer and spend a lot of time on the computer instead of doing outdoor activity. But now a few years later he sees that I'm still in good shape, programming has lead to a profitable career for me, and I still go fishing with him from time to time in the summer. So in general I love my Dad very much and he is very supportive.

#20 Posted by GunstarRed (5477 posts) -

I barely speak to mine, it's been a couple of years. He's kinda a dick, He is the only person I have ever met that managed to have an affair with an 18 year old and when caught tried to get all of his kids to feel some sympathy for him. Never really had much in common, I think he always wanted me to be more blokeish.

#21 Posted by BrockNRolla (1694 posts) -

My dad and I get along well. We talk about movies and music mostly when we're together. I've never really be able to talk about serious issues with him since he's always trying to make a joke. He's a Type-"A"-Always-On-the-Move-Always-Wants-the-Spotlight kind of guy which definitely grates on me most times we're together for any extended period. But he's always been there for my family and always cared for us.

All in all, it's a good relationship. I'm very lucky.

#22 Edited by Simplexity (1382 posts) -

My dad was an amazing person who I always looked up to, kind, intelligent, understanding.

In short when I grew up I wanted to be like my dad.

However, what is 7 years ago now, I was on the phone with my dad and we argued over something stupid, and in my teen rage I essentially said "I hate you" and hung up on him, at night he had a heart attack and died. Quite frankly it still haunts me to this day, always in the back of my mind driving me insane that I actually fucked up that badly.

The more I read this the more it comes off as some cheesy terrible C-grade day time TV drama plot but it is true.

#23 Posted by TehFlan (1928 posts) -

We have a great relationship. We're pretty different people, but that doesn't stop us from getting along. He's never been anything but supportive and encouraging, even with stuff where he doesn't really know what exactly it is I'm doing. At the same time, he was never afraid to discipline me when I did stupid shit, and I appreciate him for that. If it weren't for my dad, I wouldn't be the man I am today.

#24 Posted by RobotHamster (4177 posts) -

It's kinda weird for me to talk about, I never talk to anyone about things like this because I'm not one to share my personal feelings. The only person I did open up I felt in a way betrayed me and that trust and because of her I feel made its even harder for me to share stuff. Another reason why I don't is because the more I think about it I start to think how there are person way worse off than me and I'm just being a pussy about it. But maybe talking about it to some strangers on an awesome website will help.

As of right now things are ok, not bad but not great. The only thing I can really talk to him about are sports, and the only things we do together is sometimes welding or the times where we might to a hike sort of thing. During dinners and car rides we don't really talk. Can't talk to him about anything else because I hate the way he thinks and the way he approaches doing things. But growing up I really did not like him, and I think that he is one of the reasons I am the way I am today which I'm can't say I'm too big a fan of.

When I was a kid he would come home drunk a lot of times, and he is a very angry/violent person when drunk. I remember my mom putting me and my brother to bed early to avoid him and would always protect us from him. Fortunately he's never hurt her but he would break things, throw things, just do things that would scare me as a kid. Now he doesn't do it as often and I know there's no way he could physically hurt me so it's not as bad. This also made me grow close to my mom who is pretty introverted herself which rubbed off on me.

And that is something that I hated, because now it's hard for me to start up conversations and stuff which is why I have so little friends/ people in my life. So him being the drunk he was made me hate alcohol. Being introverted means I didn't hang out with many people and not being a drinker definitely does not help, made some people look at you like you had two heads. It's wasn't til recently that I started to drink (I'm 21 now). It was just so hard for me to connect drinking with having fun because of him despite seeing others do so. I was just scared I'd end like him or his father (who died from alcohol). Still have never been drunk just slightly buzzed, but I haven't had a reason to do so yet.

So yea in my mind because of those events I feel like I could be way more happier in life right now and could maybe be better off. Don't get me wrong when I am with a group of friends I love to joke around and have fun, but it takes a while for me to get to that point. But I try my best to stay positive, just learn from the past and move on, nothing you can do to change the past so I just try to not let it bother me.

#25 Posted by TaliciaDragonsong (8607 posts) -

He's the best father ever.

#26 Posted by innacces14 (737 posts) -

We're pretty cool with each other. Only times where we annoy the shit out of each other is when I talk about live set-ups for bands and how he prefers a "fire all the weapons" approach by bringing four 2x15 PA speakers in room no bigger than the old Whiskey Media engineer room. Two 1x12 is enough, but no. Bring everything and have the cops roll over why don't ya.

That and he's computer savvy so he and I go back and forth about how we set programs. Plus he couldn't help but try and bogart my first computer build. I told him I had it under control, but he was anxious as fuck the entire time thinking I was gonna trigger static on the motherboard or something. Love the guy, but yes, he worries too much.

#27 Posted by AhmadMetallic (18954 posts) -
@InternetCrab said:

(he's 45). But he mostly plays the Kinect.

o.O  
Please tell me more.
#28 Posted by mazik765 (2316 posts) -

I love my dad. Him and my mom split up when I was young but he always stayed in my life and supported me as much as he could without living in the same home. Him and my mom are still great friends. In my opinion they are perfect role models for how divorce should be handled when children are involved. Both my parents are pretty awesome and have been very supportive of me in everything I pursue.

#29 Posted by DoctorDanger99 (687 posts) -

i despise my father. such a worthless human being.i have absolute zero contact with him and my life is ALOT better without him.i look forward to the day he dies if for no other reason as to no longer having to worry about bumping into him or hearing other people talk about him. it'll be better for everybody.

somtimes i fantasize about him on his death bed. asking forgivness for being a shitty father. so i can laugh in his face and tell him about how much fun im having watching him die.

also, glad to see im not the only person here with daddy issues lol

#30 Posted by NTM (7546 posts) -

All I'll say is, while we get along, and I have more in common when it comes to interests as I my dad than my mom, it's far easier to talk to my mom for some reason. I don't know, I kind of just don't want to sound like an ass (as in, make an idiot of my self) in front of my dad, but with my mom, I can be more open and say whatever's on my mind. I'm sure I can do that with my dad, but I don't. I also sometimes struggle when saying stuff to him. Anyways, in short though, as with the whole family, it's all a good relationship, but I think my dad's not quite as open and more prone to argue over little things he may or may not agree with someone on. I don't care for arguing, or debating.

#31 Posted by Funkydupe (3321 posts) -

I think he's friendly only because I'm his son, not because he likes me, haha. Its the same for me. We tolerate each other.

#32 Posted by dungbootle (2428 posts) -

Weak since childhood

#33 Posted by Everyones_A_Critic (6311 posts) -

Damn, alright, let me lay down on the couch....

Drugs have dogged my Dad through his entire life. In the '80's he dealt cars and did Coke until I was born in '92, when he allegedly quit after my birth. In '96 he was diagnosed with stage four John Hodgkin's lymphoma, a cancer that primarily effects the glands and lymph nodes. It became difficult to grapple with for him. He worked two jobs while my sister and I remained in the dark about it. That is, until he had a breakdown that resulted in myself, my mother, and my sister leaving the house for a few days. Things went on a rollercoaster from there for the next fifteen years.

My father's illness allowed him access to the most seductive and unforgiving drugs of them all, painkillers. His past drug use taught him that these can be abused by crushing and snorting them. Oxycontin is medical grade Heroin. Make no mistake about it. He kept fucking around with opiates for years. We left the house, he left the house, he made hundreds of apologies only to fuck up again and again. My relationship with him became incredibly strained and I began to hate him. Not to mention I was a teenager for most of this. In 2009, my father struck a man with his postal truck, killing him and accelerating my Dad's decline further. The guilt fueled his drug habit and last September when he left for prison I felt I could finally live at home in peace. No threat of fighting my dad, no worrying about him going on a bender and getting violent.

I went to therapy and learned about the psychology of addiction. I grew from it. While my Dad was away I slowly adopted a sense of empathy for him. He put my family and I through total Hell some times, but some of these things I gained an understanding for. When he was fucked up my Dad was a soulless bastard, only caring for his next high. When he was sober, though, he was just a guy who wanted the best for his kids. What's in the past is in the past. I've forgiven my father, but was still skeptical about his ability to stick to the straight and narrow. Probation helps with this. If he fucks up even a little bit it's jail time, no questions asked. He's not keen on going back. I don't think anyone would be. I hope to rebuild my relationship with him, because you only have one father, and he's not going to be around forever. Especially with cancer thrown into the equation.

Thanks, doc. How much is the copay?

#34 Edited by Chop (1998 posts) -

My dad is pretty awesome. When my parents divorced, mom split and he stayed just for me; I'll always respect and love him for that. I'm 21 and he still supports my lazy ass today and even though we don't have the type of relationship where we share our feelings and talk about personal issues together (probably my fault, I'm a very private person), we are 100% friendly and cool with each other.

#35 Posted by nail1080 (1975 posts) -

I am GOD

#36 Posted by MariachiMacabre (7099 posts) -

My father has never been anything but the most supportive person in my life. I don't know how I'd have turned out without him but I'm guessing I'd be much worse off.

#37 Posted by Slay3r1583 (642 posts) -

My relationship with my dad wasn't bad but looking back it wasn't anywhere near as good as I would have liked. My dad always worked at a steel mill and was always working different shifts so we didn't see each other that much. Then my parents god divorced why I was fairly young, I want to say I was in 5th grade. When I did see him I always wanted to go do something. We never just sat down and talked or anything. He passed away 7 years ago. I feel like I never really got to know him and I still regret that like you wouldn't believe.

#38 Posted by Aronman789 (2671 posts) -

I haven't seen my father in about 12 years. He calls every sunday, but besides that we're complete strangers, he isn't really a father to me. He does, however, bitch at me like he is, and it's really only the language barrier (he refuses to learn english and I only know basic spanish) that has kept me from telling him to go fuck right off multiple times.

He has some idea in his head that I should be a proud Costa Rican and that I should go live back there because it's my homeland (I live in the USA right now), but I really couldn't give two fucks about that place, it looks to me like the type of place you could catch typhoid by walking down the street.

#39 Posted by NegativeCero (3039 posts) -

I guess I would call our relationship distant. He used to drink when I was younger and was violent when he had too much. He also had a second family at the same time that he was with my mom, so these two things combined made me hate him and I always told myself I never wanted to be like him. Drinking was kind of taboo for me too because of him and I only recently started to try it.

But as he got older, he started to slow down and stopped being an idiot. Despite this he's still not easy to talk to and we never do anything together. I mean, we're closer now as a family, but I still feel like I don't know anything about him. I think that part of this is because he and my mother immigrated here (the US) before my sister and I were born, so we naturally grew up with different things than what they had. I will give him credit for working all these years and at least supporting his families, though.

#40 Posted by 2HeadedNinja (1776 posts) -

My father died when I was 16 ... I never had a close relationship to him. I only remember him being sick (heart disease) and lying on the couch sleeping. I heard from my siblings he was pretty strict to them but I never had that ... tbh, I wish he would have cared more.

#41 Posted by LiquidElite (91 posts) -

@TruthTellah: this is exactly what my dad is like and what happened to me. surreal to see it written by someone else.

#42 Posted by Christoffer (1921 posts) -

He left when I was about one year old and I've never seen him since. Don't think I'm that affected by that fact. My mother and sisters are kick-ass and that's all I needed.

#43 Posted by ItBeStefYo (1007 posts) -

My Mum and Dad got divorced when i was youngish, I stayed with my mum.

I love my dad, he's just a funny dude that didnt make the right decisions in life and although I dont see him that often our relationship hasnt really changed.

My mum on the other hand...

#44 Posted by RageExpressive (50 posts) -

My father passed away last Christmas and I'll be 19 next month. We argued constantly, but it was always said by everyone that we had the same mindset and that's what put us at conflict. His death came as a larger blow to myself than most due to the fact that we weren't speaking to each other at the time, having had an argument the night he passed away. Ever since however, I've tried to do what I think what my father would be proud off...something I'd never done while he was alive.

#45 Posted by eroticfishcake (7792 posts) -

I suppose distant is the word I would use to describe relationship with my parents (and just about everyone else I know.) My dad's a good guy at heart and he's really intelligent when he wants to be. Thing is though he enjoys very scientific things whilst I enjoy more cultural aspects of life which he thinks is a waste of time so there's a good level of disappointment to be found when I decided to study Classics in college. All in all I rarely talk to them even though I see them every day.

Then again I rarely talk to anyone at all considering how I've lost so many friends over the past few years so I'm happy enough to be left alone.

#46 Posted by Unilad (580 posts) -

This post has cheered me up.Its really good to hear I'm not alone, but also that there are people out there who have awesome relationships with their fathers. My Dad just doesn't like me. I guess at some point you have to accept that. I tried to change, I tried to play more sports. I mean, I played 1st team goaltender in Hockey, but doesn't like Hockey, so that doesn't 'count'. I like videogames, he considered them what 'loosers' do, which I found to be incredibly ignorant statement.

I'm now not willing to change who I am just to please him. As pathetic as this may sound I pursued a career in Law to please him. I had the grades to do anything, and always wanted to pursue a career in computer science etc, but chose to do Law just so he could be proud to be able to say he has a son who does law (my brother doesn't do anything academically).

Its great to get feedback from you guys..this really is an awesome website, with awesome users.

#47 Posted by kindone (2833 posts) -

Was a great relationship. He had his problems, some of which are the reason our family is the way are now, but I cannot for the life of me really talk bad about him. I loved him, and he loved me.

RIP 2010.

Online
#48 Posted by McBEEF (360 posts) -

My dad is pretty great, we both love sports (him watching and me playing) and good movies/books, and he is always pretty supporting but can be a bit of an ass if he has too much to drink, which is the same as me really.

To be honest he is very much like Walter White from breaking bad, without the meth. Quiet and intelligent, maybe a little meek sometimes, but good to his family.

#49 Posted by Bocam (3826 posts) -

Yay video games

#50 Posted by PassiveKaerenai (323 posts) -

My dad hasn't talked to me since September... when he kicked me out for 'rudeness'. :P