I hate boomerangs. I hate boomerangs with all my soul. They’re incredibly stupid. You throw a boomerang, it comes back. Great. Thing is, they’re not just for fun and games. There have been historical instances where they were used as weapons and they’ve definitely been used for that purpose in videogames.

Here’s where I start to take issue: I throw my boomerang at an attacker, it only comes back if I miss. IF I THROW MY BOOMERANG AND MISS, IT WILL COME BACK. It was designed to make up for people who suck at throwing. But the dumb doesn’t end there, boyo! If I throw it and it successfully hits my enemy, it falls to the ground aND I HAVE GIVEN MY ENEMY MY ONLY WEAPON. It’s like playing a life-and-death game of catch with my boomerang (I hope for your sake your enemy is an even worse rang’er than you.)

To help prove that all design can be ruined by the liberal application of stupid, they don’t even all fly back! There are two distinct types of boomerangs, cryptically called ‘returning’ and ‘non-returning’, but do your own research on what the difference between the two is.

The age old need to have Boomerangs have caused generations of armpit-farters to make boomerangs out of all sorts of materials, up to and including bone. The way I see it, I would try to get rid of anything that could be used to make a fuckin’ boomerang- ‘Fuck you femur, I’ve always hated you. Get out of here and don’t come ba- oh my tibia!’

But that’s not even what they’re mostly used for at this point. Recreational boomeranging has been all the rage for years, but playing with one is the most tragic game since I filled my Crocodile Mile with thumb tacks. People with friends throw a football. Not to belabor the point, but playing ‘rang is like drawing a stick figure on the garage and playing handball with it while groups of your classmates ride past you on their bikes smoking their marijuana cigarettes. Not even the Blues could sing this sad a song. It’s depressing.

But not nearly as depressing as having ornamental boomerangs. They can be made into all sorts of shapes that are the exact opposite of practical- turtles, large wooden mustaches, a double boomerang, I suppose. I don't completely understand the reasoning behind making boomerangs into various shapes, but that's only because I would never talk to someone who made or owned them. Or save them from a car fire.

The most famous of all videogame boomerangs is absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, the one Ty the Tasmanian Tiger used in his three PS2 adventures. But since any real man would shy away from using the idiotic things in the first place, we’ll use an example all children can relate to- The Legend of Zelda.

Used by Kid Link in many of the Zelda games, this trusty piece of wood single handedly saved the Kokari hero from the undulating innards of the Zora’s god, Lord Jabu Jabu. Facing off against the Bio-electric Anemone: Barinade, Link hurled the weapon at the monster and severed its electrical appendages and saved the Zora’s Princess Ruto.

God damn it, this isn’t helping my point at all! Wait a second, I think I figured it out. I’m pretty sure this is exactly what happened!

Generations before this Link killed Queen Gohma and sentenced the protector of the Kokiri Forest, the Deku Tree, to death, another Link was engaged in an epic battle with his boomerang. He heroically cast the thing away but, like a Ouija board, the demonically-possessed device just kept coming back. The battle was so intense that the kingdom’s most beloved citizen, Ganon, stepped in to arbitrate armed solely with the power of love and was hit in the back of the head, dying instantly. Taking full advantage of the situation, the demon jumped into another meat suit he now called Ganondorf, and pledged vengeance forever.

Much celebration was had across the kingdom- Skylandia presented Link with their Princesses hand and promised all his children the gift of all of hers. Having earned nothing but a free pass for anytime incest for the kids and instant celebrity for himself in the annals of ‘The Legend of Zee’s Vee: Skyward Sword’, the young man finally decided to nut up. Valiantly striking the boomerang from all documentation, Link tossed the accursed object into one of the many golden chests he had opened along his adventure and kicked the fucking thing from his floating cloud house. Speeding to earth, the chest fell into the sleeping mouth of Jabu Jabu where it lay, safe, until one of stupid Links stupid descendants was swallowed whole after reading a walkthrough and discovered he had to stupidly feed the big fish a much smaller fish to save a girl-fish.

So, really, the moral of this story is that playing with stupid boomerangs will lead to your children down a dark path of bonin' each other.

*this can also be found on my blog page at Script Routine.