Here we are, a full week into End Boss Month! But this is no time for me to start slacking. There's still a lot of the month left, and a lot of bosses to cover. So let's return to the era of the Super NES and pay a visit to an old nemesis.

By and large, King K. Rool, the villainous king of the Kremlings in Donkey Kong Country, is not exactly the most villainous villain to ever impart his villainy. I mean, let’s face it; his greatest criminal desire is the possession of a mountain of bananas. And to be clear, Kremlings are basically crocodiles, right?

So why in the hell would K. Rool want to steal bananas? Is he the one Kremling in existence that decided to take up veganism? Does he suffer from such a potassium deficiency to which only a gorilla’s banana hoard could possibly serve as the great equalizer? Or is he just an idiot that actually thinks that bananas are a form of currency?

Whatever the case, the Kremling King decided to abscond with the wrong gorilla’s bananas. The moment the theft was discovered, it was immediately on like Donkey Kong. (Please don’t sue me, Nintendo.)

And at the end of DK’s long journey, he and Diddy come face to face with King K. Rool. And well, for being king, K. Rool doesn’t exactly possess an imposing figure. His main method of attack is throwing his crown and charging forward.

I should repeat myself. He throws his crown and charges forward. He essentially begs for DK and Diddy to jump on his head. Granted, it’s not exactly hopping up and down on a bridge with a golden axe conveniently positioned behind him, but still. Though to be fair, he does mix things up with leaping out of the way as a series of cannon balls rain down, ready to squash our heroes if they’re not quick to dodge. Of course, then K. Rool goes right back to throwing his crown.

On the other hand, K. Rool deserves credit for at least incorporating one peculiar novelty into his repertoire. After taking his licks, he goes down, and the credits roll. Well, sort of. Before Donkey Kong Country, I can’t think of any game I had played in which the game threw joke credits at the player, but there they were. And when they had passed, K. Rool got up. And he was pissed.

Not that it really mattered, because he just went right back to throwing his crown, but not before exchanging running forward with hopping forward like a lunatic. Yeeeeah, no. Sorry, K. Rool. You mess with an ape’s bananas, you get…uh, well, I can’t think of a clever simian-related joke to end that sentence. But you probably get the picture.

K. Rool would go on to serve as the final boss of the rest of the Donkey Kong Country series. Though, for whatever reason, he wasn’t brought back for Donkey Kong Country Returns. Maybe he’s finally had enough banana thievery, but then again, it’s hard to come back from a defeat when you get your own butt handed to you by a baby. A baby gorilla, granted, but a baby.

@Hailinel said:

Me, me, fucking me! Alligators are generally larger and lurk more in the water, whereas crocodiles are a bit smaller and spend some time in the sun. That's literally the only useful thing Family Guy has done for me.

One thing I've found interesting is how K. Rool got demoted with each game. Look at how he's progressed as the series went on:

• DKC1: King K Rool
• DKC2: Kaptain K Rool
• DKC3: Scientist Fuck K Rool
• DK64: We're Too Ashamed to Show the Poor Bastard on Kamera K Rool
• DKCR: Sir Not Appearing in this Game K Rool

Wait, is K Rool's gut gold-plated?

@Video_Game_King: Not many can claim that they have a gold-plated outie.

But that inevitably means he chose to have the gut. He could have gotten the equivalent of a spray-on six pack, but he decided a gut was preferable. Then again, one look at his face makes it clear that he's an insane motherfucker who will gut you in a heartbeat.

@Video_Game_King said:

One thing I've found interesting is how K. Rool got demoted with each game.

I think getting your ass kicked by progressively wimpier heroes does something to your morale. Hulking ape + small chimp ---> two small chimps ---> small chimp and giant baby ---> Tiny Kong

@SpunkyHePanda:

To be fair, though, his plans did get better with each game. By Donkey Kong 64, he just said, "Fuck it. I'm capturing ALL the goddamn Kongs."

@Video_Game_King said:

@SpunkyHePanda:

To be fair, though, his plans did get better with each game. By Donkey Kong 64, he just said, "Fuck it. I'm capturing ALL the goddamn Kongs."

That still doesn't answer the question of why the hell he wanted Donkey Kong's bananas in the first place.

Bananas are like Coke in the Donkey Kong world. Or maybe they're like roids or something, given how ripped Donkey Kong is. Point is, King K Rool's a drug addict, and he needs his fix.

@Hailinel said:

@Video_Game_King said:

@SpunkyHePanda:

To be fair, though, his plans did get better with each game. By Donkey Kong 64, he just said, "Fuck it. I'm capturing ALL the goddamn Kongs."

That still doesn't answer the question of why the hell he wanted Donkey Kong's bananas in the first place.

His infant daughter had a life-threatening potassium deficiency. OH GOD DONKEY KONG WAS THE REAL VILLAIN.

@SpunkyHePanda said:

His infant daughter had a life-threatening potassium deficiency. OH GOD DONKEY KONG WAS THE REAL VILLAIN.

Bullshit! That's implying somebody would have sex with that thing, and trust me: nobody wants to have sex with a coked out alligator. I found that out in my youth.

@SpunkyHePanda said:

His infant daughter had a life-threatening potassium deficiency. OH GOD DONKEY KONG WAS THE REAL VILLAIN.

Bullshit! That's implying somebody would have sex with that thing, and trust me: nobody wants to have sex with a coked out alligator. I found that out in my youth.

@Video_Game_King said:

@SpunkyHePanda said:

His infant daughter had a life-threatening potassium deficiency. OH GOD DONKEY KONG WAS THE REAL VILLAIN.

Bullshit! That's implying somebody would have sex with that thing, and trust me: nobody wants to have sex with a coked out alligator. I found that out in my youth.

Have you seen the other Kremlings? They're all coked out.

@Video_Game_King said:

Bananas are like Coke in the Donkey Kong world. Or maybe they're like roids or something, given how ripped Donkey Kong is. Point is, King K Rool's a drug addict, and he needs his fix.

I always thought that King K. Rool is more like The Noid, but for bananas instead of Domino's Pizzas.

@Dalai:

Yea, but even K Rool has standards. I mean, look at her:

Let's enumerate the various ways she would not appeal to K Rool:

• She's got a muzzle that rivals Homer Simpson's....
• ...which also doubles as a duck bill.
• She doesn't shave...anything, really.
• Her feet are hands that are barely attached to her body. (Then again, maybe he's into footjobs. Who the hell knows.)

@BisonHero:

So bananas are the Domino's pizza of fruit? That's an insult to bananas.

The conversation in here got really weird, really fast.

@Hailinel said:

The conversation in here got really weird, really fast.

That's what I do.

He did a whole lot more in DKC2. I know, I just beat the second one, and he was a real pain.

King Zing Sting is a far more fearsome boss, though.

I always liked the music of that encounter, how is starts off as the normal theme before going heavy.

The conversation in here got really weird, really fast.

Love this game, great read too.