jakob187's forum posts

#1 Posted by jakob187 (21665 posts) -

On one hand, I think it's sad that money is thrown at this Kickstarter while other good ideas through Kickstarter fail to get funded.

On the other hand, people can do whatever the hell they want with their money, so I'm not one to judge.

#3 Posted by jakob187 (21665 posts) -

@wolfgame said:

It would have to be this game for me, I remember walking into gamestop and buying this just based off the box. It actually ended up being a very memorable experience. The game had a surprisingly enjoyable online multiplayer community, this game was in some ways my foot in the door to the idea of clans and guilds. I remember we had only about 4 or 5 people. I don't think I would try playing this game now, I doubt it would hold up and I am sure the online element was shut down long ago. But still nice memories on a risky gaming purchase that turned out well.

I shadow every one of these sentiments.

#4 Posted by jakob187 (21665 posts) -

@truthtellah: Am I supposed to be paying you hourly at the moment? I feel like I should be.

#5 Posted by jakob187 (21665 posts) -

@jakob187 said:

C: I miss Temple of Elemental Evil way too much.

Oh man, if you like ToEE then this game's combat is right up your alley. Similar emphasis on throwing a lot of powerful foes in your general direction and giving you an abundance of tools to deal with them. It's not quite the same level of raw, unfettered brutality that I associate with Temple of Elemental Evil, but the combat still forces you to act smart (and occasionally reload when the enemy's opening salvo incapacitates 3 of your guys for 2 rounds each)

Goddammit. You are making this even more difficult!

#6 Posted by jakob187 (21665 posts) -

@truthtellah: I can understand what you mean. You point out a paradox that I hadn't really thought about: saying that I'm fucked up but that I have my shit together. Maybe saying that I'm "fucked up" was not the right wording. Again, when the fingers start typing, they just go. In all honesty, I'm not even really conscious of what they are saying half the time until I go back and read it.

I used to always be able to talk to my mother. She was the person I went to when I needed someone to listen. When we were growing up, she had a nickname: "everybody's mom." A lot of my friends growing up didn't have siblings, so we were their siblings. In turn, they looked at my mother as being their mom as well. If they had siblings, they were typically ignored by their parents, raised in a house where children were to be seen and not heard. She was always willing to listen to any of our problems, and she would always have advice for us. It was good to have.

Unfortunately, a few years back, that all changed. She found God, and through that, her listening abilities changed. Instead of offering some form of philosophical advice, it all turned to "you should find God like I did." Her answer for everything is that God is not in your life. She went from listening to Led Zeppelin and Green Day on the living room stereo to playing inspirational Christian music on a boombox that plays all day, 24/7, at a low volume in the living room. She went from being the cool mom to the religious freak mom. In turn, it's become difficult for me to speak to her about anything because any time that I've tried to, the answer she always gives is "find God." I'm agnostic, and I have no interest in God.

My father was never one for talking. He is more absorbed in his own things than to talk about emotions and feelings and shit. If he does try to talk about it, it sounds like someone reading off cue cards of "how to talk to someone about emotions and feelings."

Beyond that, my brothers have their own stuff to handle. Last thing they need is me throwing my baggage on the load. My friends are busy with life in general, and in a lot of cases, they have it worse than I do. Therefore, I sit back and say "well, how in the hell can I talk to them about my troubles when they have all of their own?"

The one person I was able to talk to about stuff left me. Since then, I have one friend of the last four years or so that I've been able to talk to at all. However, she has to deal with two baby daddies that are assholes, being a single mother, and trying to find a city to settle down in that isn't fucking everything up even more. She's always willing to listen to my problems, but I've gotten to the point now that I feel like a bother because...again, I don't want to bring someone else down with my sad shit.

Maybe I just hate myself. LOL

Man, a few months ago, I got shitty wasted and just like, bawled, for an hour straight. No idea what about, to this day. My point is sometimes you just gotta get real drunk and cry for a while.

Not that I'm condoning drinking when in a grieving state. That's a bad idea. I hope things get better for you, duder, with time.

I actually don't drink a whole lot. I did my partying when I was young (about 14 to 20), and then it just kind of disappeared the moment I was able to legally drink. A lot of that was just due to:

  1. Not liking to go out to bars and such or get drunk away from my own home (mostly because I don't like cabs and I don't want to be drunk and driving)
  2. Not really caring to drink for the sake of getting drunk (I pretty much stick to scotch now, and that's for tasting more than anything)

The ex left half a bottle of White Zinfandel in the fridge before she took off. It's still sitting there. I don't hate the stuff. Maybe I should just drown that shit down for a night and see if it lets it all out. Then again, my family is prone to alcoholism, so that might not be a GREAT idea. I'll play it by ear, I guess.

#7 Posted by jakob187 (21665 posts) -

Peace man. Magic and Heroclix made pretty good distractions, I use em myself. Don't feel bad about making it about you, in the end, writing this can only help you. It can't help Ryan, may he rest in peace.

Indeed it does not help Ryan...but through speaking about Ryan, he has passively helped me a little...I guess. I'm trying to still understand the logic of it all. I even hovered over whether to send this to forums or not. I ended up posting to forums mainly because...I don't know, I just felt like I needed someone to hear it? I needed a response? I honestly don't know.

@baillie said:


Piece. I said what I meant to say. It's a long story.

It's okay to break down sometimes. You're only torturing yourself to deny how you really feel. That in itself will add additional stress you don't need right now.

While going to a friend or family would be best, if you're going to try to handle this by yourself, you're going to have to be honest with yourself about it, and that means stop going through the motions of being okay when you clearly are not. You deserve that honesty, because when bad things happen, it's okay to acknowledge how bad things are. You need to embrace that reality before you will have any chance at figuring out what to do to start feeling better.

While you need to find local, personal people to talk to about this, I'm glad you're reaching out here, as well. Hang in there, Jakob.

In my family, it's not okay to break down. When I was young, my dad worked long hours. I had to help my mom raise my two brothers. This was when I was...7 years old, all the way to....15, 16? It's not that my dad was some kind of deadbeat. He's the opposite: he worked his ass off 70 hours a week to provide for our family, but he also worked some shit jobs at the time. Carpentry, and the pay wasn't great for a trade carpenter in a time when everyone was moving to aluminum, plastic, and other forms of stuff. There's not a massive market for private home custom cabinetry. Moreover, he's a Vietnam vet and lost three fingers in the war (all on one hand, middle/ring/pinky). Of course, they only listed him at 30% disability because he still had his index and thumb.

Nonetheless, when I look back, it also makes me realize that using all these things to occupy my mind has been something I've done for a very long time now. When I was in school, I delved into as many extracurricular activities as possible. When I was in 4th grade, I was in Choir, Music Memory, Drama, Little League Baseball, and Athletics...all at once. 4th grade. I was, what, 9? I wasn't forced into that stuff. I chose it. Even in high school, my electives and extra-curriculars outweighed my actual classes. Senior year alone, I had zero hour (filling vending machines in the vocational building), prose/poetry UIL, cross-examination debate UIL, theatre, freelance writing for the school newspaper, creative writing with Ms. Shelton, monthly fundraiser for theatre department, and meeting with the school counselor for off-the-record psych courses (basic psych, namely just due to curiosity and the fact that she actually had a degree in the shit).

I've literally just constantly pushed all my shit to the back, trying to keep myself occupied, trying to outpace all of the shit I didn't want to deal with.

Looks like those basic psych courses with Mrs. Cunningham are paying off!

Nonetheless, I AM honest with myself about all of this. This is going to sound crazy (because people have been led to believe that it's crazy), but I'll sit in my empty apartment at night and just talk to myself, have full conversations with myself, between me and other people. It's my way of looking at every possible angle of a situation, trying to understand it as best as I can. Of course, within it, I'm assuming the role of someone else, and I cannot possibly understand where they stand on anything at all. In turn, it always ends up with me saying "fuck it" and going to sleep. Psych tells me that talking to yourself not only clarifies your thoughts and helps you stay on top of things, but it also helps you to gain intelligence (which is fucking weird, honestly). However, personally, I feel like I'm losing it every time I do it, because sometimes people catch me doing it in public and I don't even know that I'm doing it...and they ask who I'm talking to.

Maybe I DO need a professional. Maybe I'd just weird them out.

Thanks for the words and advice, though. I really do appreciate you guys and/or gals.

#8 Edited by jakob187 (21665 posts) -

Reading this thread just reinforces that...

A: I need to get this game.

B: I need to not blow all my money on Magic cards and Heroclix so I can actually buy this game.

C: I miss Temple of Elemental Evil way too much.

#9 Edited by jakob187 (21665 posts) -

1. Claiming that either/or are a "better game" is subjective in nature. There is no way to actually end that debate, no matter what evidence anyone wants to present in either a philosophical form or a factual form.

2. League of Legends is better than DOTA 2...IMO. I have also only played one match of DOTA 2 and found the systems in the game to be more complex than I care for, so my opinion means nothing on that matter.

3. I don't care for the bias that the gaming press has towards any one specific thing, but that's just the way it goes. When it comes down to it, it's hobbyist blogging and entertainment more than "gaming press" anyways. That's fine with me, but I would hope that they can offer some alternative perspectives. For instance, I haven't heard of any of the guys playing Infinite Crisis or Dawngate or any other MOBAs that are out there. They've done an Unfinished or whatever it was for Heroes of the Storm beta. That's cool...but there are way more out there. The genre as it stands doesn't get a whole lot of exposure on this site unless it is strictly DOTA 2. Again, that's their prerogative, and I can't tell them "be fair to everyone" about it. Nonetheless, I would like for them to be fair about it. Hell, even Ryan played some League of Legends at one point (and declined my game requests every time, the way that I would hope Ryan would).

In the end, what's it matter? If you like a game, then you like a game. It seems more like the problem is that the place you love doesn't like the thing you like, and that doesn't sit well with you. Different strokes for different folks, man...

#10 Posted by jakob187 (21665 posts) -

I don't have Twitter, but I have Facebook. I'll hashtag that shit.