So, I'm not entirely sure what to say here. But I felt it best to try and articulate myself and throw my feelings out here like everyone else is.

Still kind of feels like a dream, I was out all day and read about this news in a PM amongst the mods. I was being careful to avoid Twitter and the site's landing page because I knew if I did, I would have been distracted from the tasks I needed to complete today. It read as some kind of joke and no last name was said, so I assumed it couldn't have been thatRyan.

Ryan was that affable ass with a heart of gold that every duder admired in some aspect. With the amount of time I've spent lingering around here at Giant Bomb, all the guys (and some of you in the community) feel like the cool cousins that I wish didn't move so far away.

I'm remembering back to the first time I met Ryan back at PAX East 2012 at dinner and being my first time meeting the staff I was pretending to text my sister and I just took a bajillion stalker creepy photos of the staff. ...Anyways... His personality was something I've always admired from afar and so I was incredibly terrified to approach him out of all of the staff. I felt like my significance paled in comparison to someone as energetic and loud as Ryan. But he was very gracious and exceedingly kind. Every tease and joke aimed your way was super soaked with acceptance and sincerity and just, god dammit, the man was beyond kind.

Yet I was still intimidated by these personalities I'd been following for a few years now. I remember approaching Ryan at the Giant Bomb meetup for a brief moment of some one-on-one time before I headed back to bed for the night. He was smoking a cigarette and just being jovial and in such a great mood for being dead tired. Instinctively, I opened my arms up for a hug and had a brief moment where I felt like a part of an extended family. It was awesome.

THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IS KIND OF DUMB

Fast forward to PAX East 2013 and it's dinner and I started an accidental trend of dropping silverware and moved Ryan's silverware out of my way when he stepped out and it unrolled his napkin and it just fell everywhere and no one knows it was me who did that by mistake and oh god I wanted to die it was just raining flatware all over the place and Patrick just laughed and I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide because I did that and ohgodohgodohgod. (At this point, I was intimidated by the staff again, but everyone was super nice and relaxed until Vinny was all "Let's talk about serious stuff" and I died on the inside again.)

I made the mistake of trying some of Max Temkin's present to the staff after their panel so I don't remember much because I was what I call "Sweep Drunk." I think I made Jeff uncomfortable and I was bouncing off the walls because the panel was awesome.

My last interaction with Ryan Davis was after the Cards Against Humanity panel. Most everyone had taken their milk and cookies by then and the crowd was thinning out. I remember talking to PsEG and Ozone and being so excited over such a great time I was having and really loving my cookie (seriously, they were amazing) that I was being really freaking weird and twirling/skipping around and I nearly barreled into Ryan. He made a face and said something like "look out, she's crazy" and I nearly ran into him about 2 more times after that and, yeah. That's my terrible story.

Also going to throw into the end here that you all are a wonderful and beautiful community. As a mod, I've seen quite a bit of the bad but it is immensely outdone by how great you guys are and how well we all come together as a whole. I've never felt more comfortable around a group as massive as y'all. It's still so exciting and new to me, thanks for being so god damn great during these recent events.

I love you guys.