My First Experience With A Virtual Relationship.

I met her in a game we both love passionately. She was less good at it than me, but she was pretty damn good and learned fast. I kept encouraging her and she thanked me for it. She asked me to give her tips and before I knew it she insisted we talked on skype. I told her about my discomfort with it but she kept insisting. We eventually did and she talked about everything involving her life and traumas she experienced. She was in a state of crisis. I recognized this state as I had been there far too often. I just listened and eventually fell in love. So did she. We felt a strong beautiful connection. Seperated. Living far apart but connected. We started video calls and saw each other for the first time. It was magical. I never thought it would happen to me and thought she's the one I want to live my life with. A gamer chick, a pretty one, an intelligent and funny person. What could possibly be wrong here? She told me about her attention disorder, and it became apparent that she was very self involved and extremely stubborn. All of which she openly admitted to and for a good long while I was able to accept the way she was, my reasoning being that If you can't accept someone the way they are and try to fit them into your ideal, than it isn't love at all. Unfortunately, I wasn't treated with the same care.

She started leaving conversations randomly, gave signs that she wasn't doing well. One night (this being one of countless examples) she went out and got drunk, the next day I asked her if she had fun. she said "no". Constantly making me feel like something is wrong only to blame me for making such an assumption. I felt frustrated that I couldn't help her and I took her condition into consideration as much as possible. After a while i started feeling a void. Not the void of virtual miscommunication or the void of physical seperation. But the void of investment on her part. Which is her right, but then why tell me that she loved me and wanted to fly over to where I live and make a thousand promises? it became clear that I was the only one caring and worrying. One day a friend of her thought it would be funny to tell me that he was her boyfriend, when I asked her what was up, she just told me goodnight, she couldn't talk because of her internet. this sort of behavior increased. And when i got so frustrated that I said I couldn't handle this anymore, she turned it around and got mad at me for feeling the way I did.

Eventually, All I could conclude was that this wasn't gonna work out. She could not be decent enough to answer the simple question of whether he was her boyfriend or not. She later said she knew he was joking but she "couldn't tell me". Either way she didn't seem to feel any regret over keeping me in the dark with my doubts and hurt and said she though my reaction was embarassing. I removed her from my contacts and the game we met on. Until I calmed down and wanted to make it right. But All i got was a rant about how I had no right to question her. There are much more details to any such story. And she is not entirely to blame. But the point is it became more and more clear that she could not be reasoned with. Then she deleted me. As a final therapeutic message I sent her this. As this should make it easier to move on for me.

"thank you for deleting me. I did not quite appreciate the irony of what it meant when you said "I have attachement issues" when we first talked. I took it to mean you have a hard time letting go, but it seems only the contrary is true. If anything you ARE the issue. All of the things u told me in our first few weeks, the things that made up the fabric of my love for you. From the moment you came knocking at my figurative door and I let you in. You could not seem to deal with me populating the room with my own feelings. It seems you need the entire room and beyond just to function. There was never room for MY feelings, only yours.

And when It got the point where I wanted answers u gave me the lamest excuse in history about some data patch on your cellphone that didn't allow you to write certain things. lmao. that's like saying I can't solve a math problem because I dont speak french. If u send a message saying: "it is physically impossible to write a message to you right now" then it must be physically possible to do so. In other words you're a fucking liar.

Nevermind all the energy and time I spent listening to u, trying to understand u, trying to find a way to help u with my qualities (however few u think I have). Especially since the traumatic experiences u so clearly explained in our very first "real" conversation (a 10 hour affair), it baffles me that you are so devoid of refection. In your defense, maybe it is still to recent and you aren't allowing any sort of negativity (or more preciesly, you're idea of negativity) in. So that's why you shove all my best intentions aside to do the thing you excel at. Turning everything around to illustrate how much it hurts you with an absolute disregard of what led me to be hurt in the first place. And what led me to question your motives was based on very reasonable assumptions.

So next time when u beg someone to skype with u and lay it all on them, I hope u find the right person. Someone who slavishly obeys. or Maybe the next person will be as devoid of empathy as you. The ironic evolution of that particular scenario could be that whichever of you is the least manipulative, will end up hurt trying to please the other. If, in this scenario, the "inferior" party is you, than only then will u understand how it felt for me, trying to uphold this "relationship". I think you don't know what it's like to care. I think you have seen others do it and try to replicate it when u sense that that's what people do in a given situation. So in a sense, I think of you as disabled in this regard. learning is hard, hope u get there. Not for your sake, but for whoever's life you're about to poison next.

if there's one thing I wish, it's that I never met u. But I did so now i'm stuck with this annoying memory of whatever the fuck it is we had. But i guess a day after i removed you, you were glad, glad you didn't have to justify your behavior anymore. Now, you delete me realizing I am not gonna apologize. I guess it makes sense, alien concepts (like in your case:caring, regret, empathy; self-reflection) frighten us.

I hope one thing. I hope I completely forget u. Every single pixel of u. Every single word we ever wrote and every word we spoke. Every fragmented image of you I have. So much that if they would ever dig into the deepest parts of my memory they would never find a single trace of you. I don't blame you for deleting me. After all I did the exact same thing a few days ago. But there is a fundamental difference. Just like writing this message. For me these things are HARD TO DO. In the hopes that my brain will start removing and annilihating everything that leads back to you.

Goodbye."

So why am I posting this on the web? Not out of some cry for attention but as a form of venting. We cannot let people eat away at our integrity like some sort of vial cancer. No matter how much they demand sympathy. No matter how much it kills you to let go and how empty it feels now. No matter how much it seemed like the stars aligned just so u could meet this pretty and intelligent person, that made you feel like she must have been the one. You cannot let yourself be manipulated until you only live for them. You may find what you think is the love of your life on a random server of an online game at any given time. It may be a fairytale, or it could be too good to be true. And for me it was, unfortunately.

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To Ryan 'Fuck Ryan Davis' Davis

Ryan and his wit. his persistence of word choice, and laughter are the first things that come to mind when I think of him. of You. You spoke to grab the attention and you did so with irresistible charm and verbal flourish. You teased and funnily toyed with your guests and knew no boundaries in doing so. I dread the void of a podcast without you Ryan. You who spiced it up with at length conversations about everything and nothing, indulged in them to the point of my semi-frustration, but as a 5 year long listener I expected nothing less and wanted nothing more from you. To the host of a show that has been close to my heart all this time. I will miss you terribly and GB will never be the same without you.

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What the world and Patrick Klepek Will Look Like 15 Years from now

Guys! I've recieved an email from a secret contact from the future, along with a picture of Patrick Klepek 15 Years From Now. Here's the email:

Dear Informant,

I implore you to help us terminate the target, Patrick Klepek began his presidential campaign in 2027 and has ever since taken over every internet source, under surveillance 24/7. Therefore u must understand that sending this is extremely whiskey, i mean risky, (patrick sends me out on errands for his favorite whiskey, the thought of forgetting one, makes me tremble in fear, hence the typo). I was able to bypass the security system but i do not have much time. To paint you a picture of the world today, All internet sites have the giantbomb logo implented on them, sometimes subliminally on governmental sites. You probably wonder why Patrick is at the center of my attention and not the rest of the GB Crew. We haven't seen them in years. Patrick said he has "taken care of them", though I highly doubt there was any "care" involved.

This is a dark and grim virtual atom bomb that we fear, to you it is but the future but this is my present. Child labor, a non-stop writing session to "develop" multi growth quality journalism. It is all a lie, a ruse to keep us distracted from the truth. It being that the words we write don't even make it on to the web but are meant to extract our thought processes. You see, as we write we are connected to a device, The Klepsonian, a highly powerful router that sends all of our creative thoughts into the mainframe: Patrick Klepek's cloned mind. In other words, we are pumping constant creativity into his brain, draining ourselves in the process, but empowering him, so much even, that he doesn't even need to sleep anymore. We aren't even payed for this. What's currency amongst slaves? I implore you, you must unite forces and stop Klepek from taken over the virtual world, you must do anything in your power to stop him while you still can, for it is my present, I do not wish this to be yours soon.

Another thing, I can't tell you why, but I can tell with certainty that hot dogs are part of the solution.

Sincerely, *******

Further Evidence and Analysis:

My source elaborates in another email: I've spoken to his psychiatrist, and it is clear he harbored feelings to take over the world early on, starting with America appearently in 2027, the picture below is proof of his tendency for world domination. His shrink says that the only way to to stop him is to eliminate him in the past, in others words your present. He also emphasizes the pivotal role of Hot Dogs.

My source goes on: For the sake of us all, all you nameless, faceless entities of the web, gather your strengths and empowered weakenesses and stop Patrick Klepek. Your correspondant from the Age of Klepek (He makes us call it that) Sincerely: *****h*o*t***d***o**g*****

Klepek fooled us all.

Patrick Klepek Now
Klepek Anno 2027
in 2028, One Year after the start of his presidential Campaign.

Early Tendencies

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A Startling Discovery: I've Probably Never Beaten A Mario Game.

Is there a person on earth able to say he has beaten every single game with the character Mario in it? Well, I've recently discovered I've never even beaten the core games in the franchise, a fact that is hurting my gamer cred.

My Mario nostalgia is probably the most general one. I've played the essentials and the iconic music and character will forever be engraved into my memory. I started playing games at about age 5, having recieved the NES and SNES from my uncle and niece who had moved on. This was early to mid and late 90's. The thing is, I got them all at once so I don't remember in what order I played what but I still own them and looking at them, I realized I haven't beaten a single mario game. I've seen nearly every world and level but never the end.

Super Mario Bros.

I remember this as Super Mario Bros/Duck Hunt. It's only relatively recently that I actually got to see the end, by watching my younger sister beat it. As a kid I was never able to beat it because I think I just wanted to run to fast instead of taking the time to examine the obstacles. As of today I still haven't beaten it myself because I'm still so impatient.

Super Mario Bros 2

At the time I simply didn't understand or accept the concept. Why was I digging through sand, why was I picking up enemies, why did this whole game feel so different. In retrospect I think it's pretty original but I've never beaten the game because I haven't taken the time to.

Super Mario Bros 3

Awesome game with disctinct worlds. I felt that it was a bit more forgiving and just better designed levels. I clearly remember every world up to world 8, but I've never beaten the game. Same Deal, I watched my sister beat it.

Super Mario World

There's weird feelings you can have as a kid, such as "being in love" with a game. Everytime you start it up you feel butterflies because it's so exciting and beautiful. This game fell under that category for me. Immensely colorful and deep, but Sadly I have not beaten this game because my niece owned the copy and I didn't see her that often. A couple of years ago I bought it second hand and put it in, most of the magic was still there but I haven't beaten it because, and this game really made me realize it, I SUCK at 2D Platformers. Mario isn't even hard but too hard for me appearently.

Super Mario 64

Completely mindblown by this game. Maybe it has to do with my age but this was just more my thing. Charming as can be, the third person mechanic was just new and flawless. Unlocking stars to progress to dive into another painting, i mean everything about it was so much fun. I remember getting most of the stars but I cannot for the life of me recall finishing it. I think I missed like three stars. My favorite Mario game.

Super Mario 3D Land

I really appreciate what they did with this game and was genuinely surprised they pulled it off. It combined the best of mario into a unique game, for as much as that is possible these days, BUT I have not cleared this game. I beat the first 8 worlds and the second set of 8 worlds after that but I didn't get all the stars, meaning I'm one level away of beating it.

Other

I've definitely poked at Other Mario Games, I must have played Mario Kart somewhere at some point, played some Dr Mario, The Lost Levels as part of Super Mario All Stars, Super Mario Land for the Gameboy, Mario Tennis and Super Mario Galaxy, New Super Mario Bros...but the point is, I have never beaten a Mario Game. Not only does history repeat itself for Mario, but also for me, In my inability to finish these games appearently.

I'm curious, what's your Mario "parcours" as it were?

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My 10 Favorite Game Soundtracks of All Time

I'm sure there's soundtracks i'm forgetting and many more I will discover but for now these are my ten favorite soundtracks ever! Should mention that listing a soundtrack over another isn't determined by one being the best or not but rather driven by the question:

"What soundtrack would I rather hear over another at any given time?".

# 10. Tekken 3

Dirty Phat Trippy New Age Rave Hip Industrial Metal Jazzy "Pre-Dubstep" DnB Shit. it's just a perfect storm. Very controlled and calculated but still electrifying. Just Sick.

# 9. PixelJunk Eden

You really have to be in the mood for some minimal, something I rarely am, but Baiyon's sound is one in a million and his track for Eden is just such a great one to zone out to.

# 8. Plants Vs. Zombies

It sounds minimalistic and even amateuristic (a intentional "clumsiness") which makes it all the more cute. Catchy as well, stole my heart. There's more beauty and sensibility in the soundtrack than you'd expect from this type of game, it's this playful oddity that makes it stand out.

Also there's a zombie on your lawn.

# 7. Super Mario Bros.

Ok this is a troll pick but do you really expect me to exclude the most iconic piece of gaming music ever made? All this time it's still catchy as all hell, this tune is probably as famous as Jesus. Simple and Brilliant.

# 6. Red Dead Redemption

you know, it amazes me more and more how games such as Red Dead manage to be better than 90% of movies made, even though it is in itself an homage to the western genre. The player involvment makes it so that games are able to hit on another level. Result, they make a lot of movies feel very limited and boring. The same applies to soundtracks. This one's just goddamn amazing, that gritty vibrant western "cry" gives me goosebumps.

# 5. Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty

From its theme song to the last piano instrumental and everything in between: A very contained sound, sneaky grooves, moody synths, funky breaks, just creates an atmosphere i've never quite heard anywhere else. It's technically impeccable. Just mad mixing skills.

# 4. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night

Still amazed by each distinct song for each part of the castle. Haunting and melodic. That unique sound produced for the playstation is just what makes it so unique. This soundtrack is so rich and diverse but yet cohesive. It lives, it tells a story. To my ears, no one has combined the Ominous with the Aristocratic so well. It is however, not an easy listen but a profound composition that works best while playing the game.

# 3. Hotline Miami

Grimy, Dirty Sounding not giving a fuck 80's throwback tunes and some trippy shit. The soundtrack is a bit of a mish mash with an attitude.

# 2. Assassin' s Creed II

Assassin's Creed 2's music is divine. It evokes so much in me, the beginning of time, history as a whole, the sacrifices humanity has made or has yet to make, just an air of philosophy surrounding it, just like the whole game, elevating it of course. It's of an amazing beauty and probably the most epic in this list in terms of scope and gravitas.

# 1. Shatter

Shatter's soundtrack just feels like you're on a mission to save the world, only you're invincible cuz you're so fucking epic. Each star you whiz by creates a ginormous orgasm throughout the universe until it all explodes and starts all over and you feel like a kid. On top of that it's kind of laughing at 90% of "House" music. Seriously Shatter diserves max volume, turn it up. This is Love you hear, from the heart through your ears and through space!

Long Live Music and Games.

What's your fav OST's? Would love to know.

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KILL SWITCH

A much needed introduction

Like so many other things I saw on tv, as a kid, Seagal was around somewhere in my subconcious. I used to watch him in his early movies, breaking bones, it looked cool. Later on, I would see parts of his direct-to-video movies on tv but didn't pay attention. Years later, after seeing Kill Switch I became completely obsessed with his works, especially his straight-to-dvd stuff.

I first saw Kill Switch with my uncle, who had once bought it on Blu Ray, had watched it and had never spoken to me about it. In retrospect It made me wonder why anyone would buy anything Seagal makes, let alone on blu ray, and why he didn't feel the need to mention that this movie is one the most fantastic pieces of shit ever made. My enjoyment was (and still is) purely ironic in nature, but it made me fall to the floor crying tears of laughter. At the time that I wrote the film review, which was about a year ago, I was the only person to have done so on the internet. I felt a bit proud, maybe that's why I took it upon myself to nurture his movies.

Yes, Seriously:

My Ideas for Kill Switch: The Game

Since I can't believe there are no Steven Seagal games (there was one in development for the SNES but it got canceled) here's my two cents based on this movie:

Kill Switch: The game would most definitely feature FMV cut-scenes, while the actual gameplay could be a sidescroller in which the character moves by skipping frames while being able to switch to a first person view. Seagal's mission could be to find the killer of his twin brother Daniel, a storyline that is completely redundant in the movie, and in order to do so he has to beat the shit out of his enemies. Beating an enemy would require 100 punches and/or kicks. However, with your hard earned cash, you could hire stunt doubles to ease this task, but you'll have to use them strategically as you can only use 5 max over the course of the game.

At the end of the stage you get to relax in your home and figure out the clues to the killer's location in a puzzle mini game in which you'd have to solve astrology riddles. You'd also get bonus points for neglecting your girlfriend and for hitting the "Lord Have Mercy" catchphrase prompts which are hidden throughout the game. Preferably, the game would require the use of a Move controller or other peripheral, in order to really be immersed in the beating the shit experience. Something similar to The Fight: Lights Out. The game could also feature a two player mode in which the second player has to edit player one's camera angles in real time. Or Maybe it could be closer to Stay Dead, a title he yet has to use for one of his movies.

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Sell Me A Dream: Stigma, Emotion, Logic and Escapism

Nostalgia is one of the most powerful feelings and it can impair a person psychologically. It is one of the most useless feelings in the world. It does nothing for you, except distract and hurt you. Other people, colder people, often feel wiser or smarter than the person who speaks nostalgically. They gather information from the outspoken nature of said nostalgic person but cancel out all of the emotion that triggers the person to speak out in the first place. They do not try to understand someone emotionally, but intellectually. They treat you like a math problem and try to solve you and your problem logically.

These people are most likely your best friends.

Nostalgia is not a choice. Depression is not a way of life. To people like me, it is frightening to realize that some people will never understand this. In my teenage years I pitied my self constantly, thinking I was a victim and in certain ways, I was, but it took me years to realize, that logical reasoning Is something I had not been gifted with. The people who were supposed to be emotionally and intellectually invested in me, never saw this flaw in me. I needed to become my own balance. You cannot rely on someone who's too emotional, but you cannot trust someone who thinks only in logical terms. One day, I woke up, literally, and I haven't felt sorry for myself ever since. Those same people would say, It's good that I left depression behind. The truth is, I didn't do anything, I didn't choose anything. I believe my mind acted out of self preservation and did not include me in the process. For that I am fortunate, but many people don't enjoy the same fate.

Some people accept this life. They accept that they were conceived and that they will one day die. Others obsess over existence and question it constantly. The former group of people feel wiser for this reason but in what aspect? To become wiser, you have to gain knowledge. But these people are frauds to wisdom and to emotion. They did not gain anything, they just assume their logic way of thinking grants them complete wisdom. They live in between themselves, picking their intellectual battles and use emotion as a trick up their sleeve for when their intellect fails them, but how can someone who does not question existence claim to know the answers to your life?

I don't congratulate my nostalgia, It just creeps up on me.

A few months ago I played through the Metal Gear HD collection, but was especially excited to play MGS2. While playing I felt emptiness. I started to remember my former self in the days I first played the game. I remembered the times I spent with the game, the accompanying memories of friends, hopes, dreams, even the smell of certain foods. I couldn't adjust to the reality I was in and I realized something about my present. Ever since the day I woke up, I did not move forward. I started to analyze details of my life from that moment on and realized that all I am constantly trying to do, is relive my past, re-create emotions, chasing dreams but never materializing them. I felt like I was gravitating towards an empty dimension. To A place where nothing exists, a place where I don't exist.

These HD collections capitalize on that one feeling. Nostalgia. But what's there to be gained?

3 Comments

150 000 Registered Users on Giantbomb: What is a man?

If you check the Top Users section of the site you'll get a numbered result of all the people registered on the site. As of the time that I'm writing this here's the amount of registered users per Whiskey Media site except Tested who no longer feature a list of users since they re-designed their site (Or maybe I just can't find it).

Giant Bomb (launched July 21, 2008) = 151 147 users

Comic Vine (launched December 6, 2006) = 124 775 users

Anime Vice (launched April, 2008) = 31 571 users

Screened (launched May 12, 2010) = 25 594 users

At first I was shocked. I thought: this few? But then I thought: wait, what do I know? Is 150 000 users a big number for an internet site? I have no idea really, though Screened's 25k seems very low. According to Whiskey Media there are 4 Million Monthly views across all of these sites. Obviously many people don't register but as registered numbers go can an educated person give me an idea of what context to place these numbers in?

UPDATE: I like the little spin-off topic that spawned from this. I am user number 23581, joined on Nov 18, 2008. That's 3 months 28 days after the full site launched and 8 months 12 days after the blog launched. Shame on me, all though I'm not sure that the blog featured user registrations yet?

Here's a way to see your user number, info provided by Moderator MB, I'm posting this below so we DON'T ALL NEED TO STALK HIM.

Right click your avatar, open image in new tab or copy image url, and it's the second number after uploads/ in the url (eg uploads/2/23581/ would be 23581). Should be the same on any image you've uploaded to the site.

81 Comments

For History! The Lyrics! To Dance! It's Your Stage!

I liked Dance! It's your stage. It has terrible music, but the gameplay was pretty awesome and it's just a question of getting good songs in there and marketing. However, I have grown fond of the extremely corny soundtrack which was actually created specifically for the game by the developers. Given the highly addictive and solid gameplay I see no lack of talent from these developers and I'm pretty sure they went over the top with the corny songs on purpose. As there are no lyrics to be found on the net I'll try and find the songs and transcribe the lyrics. Here's one. I do this because I find them absolutely hilarious. I posted the video below, so that if anyone wants to point out what the lyrics actually are if I'm wrong. Not that I expect anyone to go to those lengths ... !

"Mothers Be Aware"

Verse 1

Rachel is a faithful daughter

only drinking holy water

never misses service in s(t)age 4

to sing Hallelujah!

No one is as nice as Trish is

She's baking bread and does the dishes

made her (armpits?) clean and up the floor

?...................

Chorus

Mother's be aware that your daughter's to prepare

they get ready to leave their lair

Rachel does her hair

sure she's wondering what to wear, it's friday

Tammy's got the blues

she has troubles with her shoes

Mary has decided to pay her dues

I tell you in advance they will party they will dance

it's friday

Verse 2

Tammy is a perfect girl scout

she (plays with pants?), always help out

selling tons of cookies every year

to sing hallelujah!

raising funds for those who need her

going to the couture freeday

mary is a restless volunteer

?......................................

Chorus

Bridge

are you really so naïve?

that you never disbelieve?

do you find yourselves again

and then

soon we'll all get together

chatting over politics and the weather

'cause that's what good girls always do

yeaaaaaaah

Chorus x2

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