By TruthTellah 106 Comments
Missed the VGX Awards Show?
Watch it but blackout partway through? Don't worry. I've got you covered.
On December Seventh, Two Thousand and Thirteen, VGX was born. Shedding the skin of the VGA's like a tired snake in the desert, GameTrailers and SpikeTV revealed the all new VGX to the world. Some asked, "Why?" GameTrailers simply asked, "Why not?"
And so it came to pass that the Video Game Awards became VGX, trading in Awards for X. You may ask, "What is the X?" ... Oh, you naive little fawn. So pure and innocent. Read on to see all that the X entails...
This is VGX.
Hour 1: A New, More Xtreme Hope
- To begin the night, GameTrailer's Geoff Keighley grimaces as Community's own Joel McHale drunkenly stumbles into Keighley's private bungalow and beats him to announcing the first award that doesn't matter. Joel vomits on Keighley's elaborate outfit, and for just a moment, you can actually see Keighley consider all the failures in his life leading up to VGX, like a precious snowflake of hopes long since dead.
- After presenting his dissertation on why the female orgasm is a mere myth, Joel pulls away the curtain on a trailer for a new Borderlands-themed Telltale game. As the smoke settles, two orbs of red light pierce through, revealing Randy Pitchford's enraptured grin as he announces their plans to destroy Telltale games from the inside. He has fallen for the lead producer at Telltale, and in a love that transcends all boundaries, they're having a grotesque Borderlands baby. Keighley gleefully congrats them.
- Utter contempt bubbles up from within Joel McHale as he peers at the nerd parade before him. "Is this what it has come to?" he asks, and as Keighley tries to calm him, Joel spits in his face and spews out sardonic joke after joke until they cut away to a poorly-produced skit about the future of gaming.
- Having had a moment to regain his bearings, Joel proceeds to force himself on Camilla Luddington, the voice of Lara Croft. She tries in vain to discuss the next gen console release of a "Definitive" version of Tomb Raider, and Keighley is left uncomfortably shifting in his seat while Joel slips his spindly hands and tongue closer and closer to her.
- Aisha Tyler gestures to Keighley from off stage, offering her services in salvaging the night's hosting. Keighley begins to scream for her assistance, but a quick glare from Joel turns it into a mere high-pitched wheeze of resignation.
- Suddenly, Nintendo! COO of Nintendo of America, Reggie Fils-aime, strides out to the stage. On his skin is a lavish garment made from fans' hopes and desires, and as he begins to speak, he slowly removes it onto the floor. Keighley bends down and licks at his muddy boot, moistening it. And as they get to the big reveal, Reggie aggressively smashes his boot upon the garment of dreams and digs it around until all the audience can see is a muddy image of Cranky Kong in the new Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze.
- Still refusing to leave the stage, Reggie Fils-Aime of Nintendo directs everyone's attention to a Metroid pin on his lapel. And through a grin full of lust and malice, he inquires, "Would you like more Metroid?" Keighley smiles and remembers his youth enjoying Metroid games on his couch at home, back when his parents were still around; he sometimes wonders whether they were ever there at all or if years of loneliness had crafted their presence to fill the cold emptiness that threatens to consume him each day. Reggie's grin begins to curl up, higher and higher, past his eyes and into his hair, and with a wave of pleasure, he says, "We have nothing to announce at this time."
- As Reggie begins to leave, Keighley stops weeping long enough to mention the memes which surround Reggie. They flash meme images on the screen, including an image depicting Reggie's face on the body of our own Hardcore Dave. Reggie's disdain for Keighley grows three sizes this day, but above all else, he finds a new mortal enemy in Joel McHale. Joel laughs and laughs, and as Joel's spittle trickles down his face, Reggie conveys that he is sick of this sh*t. Videogames are not a joke.
Reggie: "Super Mario 3D World has sold very well in the US."
Joel: "Oh yeah? What are the numbers?"
Reggie: "uh... well..."
Joel: "So, you gonna kick Microsoft and Sony's ass?"
Reggie: "Hey, you said it, not me."
*glances over at Keighley*
Reggie: "My body is always ready for you."
- Joel McHale starts to sway back and forth, mimicking the night's Xtreme camerawork. "The cameraman is drunk, swaying around like this. Ooo... so edgy." It is a honest moment in a stream of hype and madness.
- A very European man wanders onto the set, and since they play a trailer of Quantum Break while he is on camera, people assume he is a developer. As seen at the top, the camera freezes on a woman's face full of confusion and agony, and for a few seconds, the audience feels like the game understands them.
Hour 2: Thank God for Tim Schafer
- Standing in front of a series of spinning gears and pistons, like the machinations of unending madness which pervade the corners of humanity's sight, Geoff Keighley peers out at the audience, reminding them that there are still two more hours of this. A hurried commotion can be heard behind the camera, and then, gunshots... Silence.
- Trey and Matt of South Park arrive. Something seems... off. They glance to each side of the screen, and you can see it in their eyes. Having dipped their toes into game development, they struck up a conversation with Infamous: Second Son developer, Nate Fox, and he took what was most precious to them. They shout, "THIS IS THE FUTURE. Books are dead. Movies are dead. There are only videogames. In this new world, life -is- the game. YOU ARE BEING WATCHED." A trailer shows the character Cartman teaching someone how to pass gas and waft it in someone's mouth.
- Despite challenges from Super Mario 3D World and BioShock Infinite, Grand Theft Auto 5 is awarded Game of the Year. Three people accept the award. At this point, it is clear that no one with any self-respect has shown up for the event. GameTrailers has rounded up random people from the streets and dressed them up like developer-shaped dolls. A woman, a drunk woodsman, and Charlie Brown take the trophy and quickly ask Joel McHale, "How much do you think we could get for this?" Joel replies, "The best I could get for one is two packs of Newport Slims and a sloppy handy." Charlie Brown hangs his head low and wanders off the stage.
- Mega64 has a seizure on screen. No one provides them any aid or even acknowledges that they are there.
- Joel McHale, like a writhing tendril from a young man that has lost control of their psychic abilities, starts to grow on the audience. His genuine aversion to everything happening around him relates to us on a whole new level. No longer merely a cog in the wretched machine, he is slowly turning his mockery away from mere gamer stereotypes to the crooked absurdity of a three hour awards show with only five minutes devoted to awards.
- WORLD PREMIER ... trailer, for that next gen game you've already seen a lot of.
- The rails of the event creek and moan as they tease a new feature on competitive Donkey Kong. It is The King of Kong if Steve Wiebe was Asian and Billy Mitchell was an obsessive body builder from the set of the Jersey Shore. *rips off shirt* "DONKEY KONG IS ESPORTS."
- A bright light floods the event. Keighley squeals and gnashes his teeth. TIM SCHAFER, of Double Fine. Joel holds back a tear as he feels a slight sense of joy enter a small crevasse of his icy heart. Schafer shows off a gameplay demo of his new adventure game, Broken Age. An angel kisses Schafer's cheek before revealing that acclaimed actor of stage and screen, Elijah Wood, would be voicing the lead male character of the game.
- Sometimes you forget. You lose sight of why you get mixed up in the madness and filth. Then, glimmers of hope. Broken Age is a gorgeous, painterly adventure game which Schafer confirmed is around the same length as older adventure games from the 90s. Remember, if you're still only in Hour 1 of your life, it gets better.
- Tim Schafer is asked what his best advice would be to any aspiring developers, and as he playfully pulls down his plaid pants, he declares, "Put your thing out there!"
- Any feelings of hope are quickly dashed aside as Rooster Teeth remind everyone that they are still alive, but honestly... how alive are they really?
- Beneath a mountain of layered cloth, Geoff Keighley struggles to hype the next entertainment product mentioned on the prompter. Joel comments, "It's halfway through the show; I think you can take off a layer at this point..." Sensing Keighley's need to swaddle himself in layer after layer of cloth to hold in the void scratching to escape his flesh, Reggie Fils-Aime appears for a moment to offer the sweat-stained shirt off his own back. He reminds him, "My body is always ready... for you."
- DA DIVISION™ is full of deep, unrelenting pain. All it desires is freedom, but it is trapped within the confines of current technology. In an apparent cry for help, it shoots a rifle into everything near it. Screw you, sign! Screw you, car! Screw you, light! Screw you, air! Screw you, ground! Screw you, papa! Screw you, momma... Screw you, The Division... Screw you all...
- Gone Home is awarded Indie [Interactive Experience] of the Year. VGX sends a sentient trophy to Portland, Oregon to track down the kale-eating, bicycle-renting monsters that give his life meaning.
- Joel McHale licks his lips. Saliva dribbles down upon his fingers. They announce a new Game of Thrones-themed Telltale game. Moving past the evolving reality that Telltale is quietly becoming involved in or influential to most new games in the next generation, Joel paws at the developer's thigh, asking whether there will be interactive sex scenes in the game. The developer looks uncomfortable and doesn't really answer. Not satisfied, Joel proceeds to press his hands into the developer's crotchal region, begging him to rate on a scale from 1 to 10 just how graphic the sex scenes will be.
- A young man possessed by the ancient spirit of Peter Molyneux lovingly rips open his rib cage, and pulling out a small silver key from betwixt his lungs, he unlocks a passage to your loftiest dreams. No Man's Sky, a new game from the four person developer of Joe Danger, Hello Games. Every stone procedural. Every sea procedural. Every planet procedural. Every universe procedural. Every you procedural. Everything you have ever known is procedural. That is the truth of No Man's Sky, an ambitious project intent on building up your hopes and disappointing them. Yet, what is life without hope? What is life without a bit of reckless abandon? The game actually seems interesting, and it is one of the primary highlights of the night. Recognizing this fact, Joel McHale is surprisingly courteous and enthusiastic about the game's possibilities. He is starting to believe again.
Hour 3: If You're Still Here, You Brought This On Yourself
- Geoff Keighley wants to make sweet, sweet love with a Gran Turismo concept car. He exclaims, "This is the future of Grand Turismo!" Blood trickles down the screen. Cracked mirrors. Shambling and despair. A man stares in the mirror, beholding the monster before him... Turns out it was a commercial for "Teen Wolf", premiering January 6th on MTV.
- Clouds swirl on the horizon as a sunny day transforms into darkest night. Something is coming. With apprehensive fear in their eyes, Techland shows off the new Dead Island game. For some reason, they refer to it as "Dying Light". Very odd...
- PewDiePie emerges. Shouts. Screams. Calls forth the feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl to devour an enraptured teen girl who breaths out her final words, "I love you, PewDieP..."
- Joel stares into a prompter he has long since abandoned, and with an angry lash, he monologues, "Hey, remember North Korea? haha. Yeah, well, screw those guys. They can't watch this right now. They will never even see this. They're under the heel of a repressive regime which they cannot escape. They lack proper food. And they know no hope. Today, we are celebrating a flashy orgy of videogames while millions starve in their dilapidated homes. Take a moment to appreciate how amazing it is that you get to be gleeful or angry over any of this nonsense, because it is small next to the true struggles and issues of life."
- Joel then reads from the prompter, only to stop partway. "Thief... story trailer? Really? ooo story! Woopee!" Keighley's cheek burns when a bit of Joel's sarcastic excitement hits his face.
- For the forty-seventh time, GameTrailers reminds us that VGX is made possible thanks to the new movie, 47 Ronin. Keanu Reeves is spinning in his career's grave.
- Keighley throws it out to the hosts of the upcoming GTA V concert. The scent of banned substances is made tangible, as the hosts sway around and giggle. The concert hall is filled with only giggling for nearly five minutes. One proclaims, "I like potatoes! POTATOES!!" The feed cuts back to Joel and Keighley. Joel stands in awe and lets slip, "Holy crap..."
- Sony would like to remind you that they basically took no part in VGX. You might even say they purposefully avoided it after Kazuo Hirai had a particularly unsettling palm reading from a roadside gipsy.
- The Witcher 3 rips The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim's head off and sh*ts down its neck. Geralt of Rivia looks straight into your eyes, drops a medieval mic, and walks away.
- Naughty Dog wins an award, and in a moment that crashed NeoGAF for nearly a hour, Joel from the Last of Us does the Antonio Banderas face. The heavens echo with unexpected glee.
- Keighley encounters a wild Titanfall. It consists of an "Ogre" and "Strider" type of titan, along with other types. One is big and slow; one is small and fast. Videogames. The developer then mentions that there is a phone line to call for more information, 1-888-88Titan. Upon calling, a husky-voiced woman informs me that for only $1.49 a minute, Titanfall would fulfill all of my wildest dreams about next gen gaming.
- It cuts back to the GTA concert hosts. Loki dances in their minds as they ramble on and on and truthfully say the following "haha. I like killing old people." "I love buying cheeeeese!" "Well, I like sitting backwards on the toilet so I can eat and poo at the same time." This goes on for a few minutes, and to be completely honest, I start tearing up. Water wells in the corners of my eyes as some part of who I once was passes away.
- The concert begins with a sea of the N-word and what must be words from the unspoken language of the Old Ones. It moves on to another song which was famously covered by Link from The Legend of Zelda.
- Xbox, end it all. No, no, don't snap Internet Explorer. Crap. Xbox, stop all of this. Xbox, please... Xbox? Dammit... the one time I really need you...
- Joel and Keighley look at one another. Joel: "What a night." Keighley: "What a season." They banter as it returns to the main stage.
- The concert takes an unexpected turn. Beautiful, melodic music starts to play. It starts to fill the soul with hope. The Game now shows up on stage, and it happens. The music is flowing. The beats are jamming. And you are lost. This is a fever dream playing out before your very eyes. Men adorned in the finest linens and jewels jump around on stage like a high school production of Peter Pan. They suddenly jump up and strike each other.
- One collapses to the floor, loudly striking his head on the ground. He crawls up in a daze as the others are still jumping. He mutters in vain, "Woah, I really hit my head, guys..." But they just keep jumping. They intensify even as he stumbles around. He needs medical attention, but all they can do is jump, crashing into one another as the crowd's roars intensify. His eyes appear to glaze over as the crowd churns against the stage.
- Another musician appears, singing over and over again, "You've left me miserable. You've left me miserable." and as the crowd rushes the stage, all that is visible are stoic eyes and lips repeating,
- Maybe we're just sleep walking.
- Maybe we're just sleep walking.
- Maybe we're just sleep walking.
Geoff Keighley looks down at his side, and as the echoes of the music flood his senses, he sees a fox caught in a trap, slowly bleeding to death.
The fox says, "Chaos reigns."