Why this, of ALL things!? For those of you who do not know what I'm talking about, then congratulations! The nightmares have yet to reach you. I am talking, of course, of Planet Laika, Quintet's last credited game. Oh, you'll understand why when you see the terror that is Planet Laika.
Now two things to warn you about before I begin this nightmare. First, because of the special situation this game occupies, updates may not be daily. It's not like Persona 3, where I have WAY too many screenshots and I don't have to worry about missing a day, or Belle's Quest, where I'm already done with the game. I only play this a couple hours a day, and a lot of that is spent trying to understand what is being said. Oh, that reminds me of the second warning: all of this is in Japanese. Now I will translate all the text to the best of my abilities, but given my skill with the language (proficient), expect my translations to be kinda loose. Hopefully, nothing drastic, but not a 1:1 literal translation. If any of you notice anything REALLY wrong, feel free to bitch at me in the comments.
Be grateful that I put this all behind a spoiler block. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Trust me, a plastic Oddjob is the least unsettling thing to be found in this game.(The face...What is the face...Shit! Martian bastards!) Just in case you thought this made sense in Japanese. And this is the first line in the game.(They took human faces, and then the martians died off...What a strange feeling.) なんか妙な感じ, indeed.(Human faces brought about a calamity. That's the current theory.) Do I even need to caption these? My crappy translations are enough.(It's you, Laika... I am October, serving as your current commanding officer.) Did somebody cross Sephiroth and Bane together into one unholy mess?(There's a strange rumor floating around that some face-shaped monsters have appeared and hastened the end of the world.)(You know this man, don't you, Laika?) Face-shaped monster, indeed.(God has died, my light...) This is a recurring theme in the game. No, it never makes any damn sense.(But how did that Galir__(I got no clue)___?) THE POWER OF THE PLAYSTATION!(We can't go on Martian soil, according to Officer October.) So remind me: where are the humans here, again?(Huh? My light? What's this "my light" business?) I'd have posted the explanation, but I don't remember it making a lot of sense. Is that any surprise?I'd explain the joke, but the game just refers to him as Laika, anyway. I guess that's the joke?(Chewbacca Nof? It's a prestigious name.) Indeed. (I have no clue what the ノフ is doing there.)Oh, don't worry. It's SUPPOSED to look like that.It gets worse.IT GETS WORSE.(Mama...I was bad, Mama...Aaaa, no! That's not Mama! It's a lie!) A peek into Yukari Takeba's mind.I'm pretty sure this isn't the worst of it.It's like somebody put Giygas into video game form.And at the center of it all is Chewbacca and his vapid stare.
@video_game_king: I think this is going to cause some degree of permanent psychological damage. Is there a Planet Laika group therapy thing that exists?
Also, you need to destroy your hard drive. Put a nail through it, light it on fire, and douse the flames with holy water.
How would the KickStarter of this even go? "Hi I want to make a sequel to one of the weirdest and more horrible game that I've ever come across that has bankrupted companies." What kind rewards could one offer even begin to offer?? Madness I say!!
Who wouldn't want to back that? How many sequels come from such a pedigree?
Think of all the lulz that could be had at its' awfulness. Truly awful games are rare beasts indeed, they are to be treasured.
How would the KickStarter of this even go? "Hi I want to make a sequel to one of the weirdest and more horrible game that I've ever come across that has bankrupted companies." What kind rewards could one offer even begin to offer?? Madness I say!!
As a "rational" being, I now place my behavior under the control of abstractions.
There were a couple of good songs, you guys, but the rest was nonsense.Oh, Tsuki. *ba dum tish*You mean Amanda? Or April's mom? There were a couple of voices in the game, you know.CASTING? For what?They just tossed dead pigs from the rooftops and hoped people would get the message.Notice the lack of a Psychological Support Dept."Without any of you, this monstrosity wouldn't have been possible."Oh, hey, remember him? Remember how relevant HE was to the plot?"I, too, am a creature of the dark."Alfred Hitchcock, you bastard.FINALLY.
And so ends t-wait, I still have some pictures I never used.
Gallery
And THAT'S the end of this goddamn feature. Just when I thought it had died, it shambled back from the dead, refusing to accept its fate. But now, at last, it is over. You, too, can rest easy, @slag, for it is over. How many pictures did I take? Who knows? But more importantly, where do I go from here? Well, I don't want to prematurely spoil anything...
....but I think....Fuck it. I'm doing Katawa Shoujo, next. Tune in, motherfuckers.
In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man’s torments.
"THIS IS SO GODDAMN AWESOME, YOU GUYS! WOOOOOOH!"I don't have a clue. I never have a clue.About my response to this game, too."Let's finish the job."It was...the Windows logo!Still no clue.Oh, god, what the hell's that thing on the bottom? Why is it smiling?(Oh, the birth of the new human.) It just fucking freezes on this picture during the CG scene. They couldn't bother hiring another voice actor for this hot turd of a game.Let us dive forth unto the life stream!(Ah. Snow.) Darkness.Are we going to watch them fuck?The hell...?It's not much better WITHOUT the eyes, is it?Finally! They are died.Job well done, Nakaji. I couldn't follow a single word of this thing."Why, yes, I do believe I should fund your video game project about dog nightmares."The madman behind it all.And an accomplice.Kouki Inoue: Crafter of Nightmares.It runs in the family.
But that's not all! Tune in tomorrow for a brief post-credits scene.
From experience. That something is irrational is no argument against its existence, but rather a condition for it.
Journey? What are YOU doing here?"Hey, you mind if I watch the final fight?"Bad 1950s sci-fi movies called; they told you to end it all.Which one's the good guy in all this?(That's right! I only ever wanted love!) Job well done.(You used Chewbacca as a scapegoat.) For what, I'm not entirely sure. I think he just popped up in random dream land."All this. You get to have all this, baby."(Why....why does Laika have that amulet...) Hell if I know. The plot just does whatever the hell it wants.Does he get squished now? (Actually, I have to collect three black splotches.)Attack of the piss yellow filter.Again, crazier in motion.What a final boss.Philemon, you traitorous bastard!Actually, he has three forms. One for each of my forms.This is a Gradius boss."What's going on? My eyes can't handle all this color!"Next up: Ganondorf.That's right. Feel the pain I felt, Galir.This was a fucking Epcot ride.Good. Destroy it all. Destroy any chance of a sequel.
There are only two conditions for losing the game:
Lose one of these dumb fucking battles.
Talk to people too many times and go overboard on a single strain. (Laika can only transform into somebody if he has enough of a certain strain. Too much, though, and he just keels over.) You really have to go out of your way to fail using this method.
I'm not sure how you even play it.
I'm not even sure, either. I had a text and video walkthrough to guide me, and I still got stumped along the way. Sometimes, it's just dumb luck whether or not you actually progress.
I think that this is supposed to mean that Laika is dead? I don't fucking know."We kill him. Right now. Nobody has to know."(Something called a tumor...it's just so cruel.) If only it were that simple.I think these are the only humans to appear anywhere in the game.At first, I thought this was supposed to be Jesus being crucified. Turns out it's slightly worse."Mirror, mirror, on the wall, how do you manage to appall?""Kill him, my children. Your mother demands it."(April, my April, I've been calling out to you.) Aprils' mom, what are you doing here?Yea, why not just have a boss battle in the middle of whatever the hell this is?"I'll get you, my pretty. And your...oh, well, I guess you're already a dog."You know what this game could use more of? Piss yellow filters.(That's right, I wished for my mom's death!) Just when I thought you were the one good character in all this.(Amanda became a speck in the mirror, and you were born from the mirror...) It's a small world after all!(Almond smell, hmhmhm, you're a soldier, a real fine soldier...)(Oh, yea! I don't have a mother! It's just like I thought: I'm an ordinary face.) The update of a billion random plot twists.Just like this one, apparentlyYea, sure, why not just randomly break out into song and dance while the planet (or Amanda; I don't know) is trying to shut you up?It's crazier in motion. AS ALWAYS.What a dignified climax, everyone.A STORY FOR THE AGES.
We have already gone beyond whatever we have words for.
(Well, next up is the special service, for when this girl's feet are dirty.) We've got worse things than foot fetishes coming up, you guy.(Heh, it has to be the smell of her womb. The smell of her rotted uterus.) It has to end soon. It just has to.Yea, that would be my reaction to this scene, too: just disappear from it all."Oh no! The womb....it's too much!"What a bad case of fire crotch.(Mhmhmhmhm, Veronica's dead, the stupid girl.) For some reason, this isn't comforting.(The fake world will disappear, and I will become the true creator!) Where is this coming from? WHERE IS ANY OF THIS COMING FROM!?(You and your mother....you're in a gloomy room.) "This one, to be specific."(Aaa, stop, monster! Don't come any closer!) Oh, he has VERY good reason to think we're a monster. Just you fucking wait.Like Burt Reynolds if he wasn't even close to sexually attractive.It gets worse.IT GETS WORSE.IT GETS SO MUCH GODDAMN WORSE.Because tentacle rape wasn't bad enough already.Do I really?Have fun sleeping tonight.(Jeremiah's right here, before my eyes. That's right, Laika: YOU are Jeremiah.) I have to imagine this would be a good twist if the plot made any fucking sense.(Jeremiah, oh, Jeremiah...I've just now surpassed the nightmare.) "Have fun with the rest of this game, asshole!""WHY AM I STILL HERE!?"And then Phoenix gets squished into a million little pieces.
I have zero idea how much more of this game there is.
Fortunately, we're nearing the end (a little less than a week left). Not that the game makes this obvious; I remember saying in my blog that the story just meanders about until it decides to end. While throwing a billion dumb plot twists your way.
Dead are all gods: now we want the overman to live.
That's how you know this is a nightmare.(Sleep like the dead cat. I should go to bed.) No, you're fine. Everybody talks about dead cats.Oh, don't worry. All the characters are missing their legs, for some reason (except for Noon and Crow, oddly enough)."Pay attention, class. This lesson will be your last.""Laika! What did I tell you about existing?""Who dragged me into this?"Somehow, they're more horrifying dead than alive.Oh, definitely."When did I become a geisha?"(Perhaps you believe in rebirth? Or what about your other self...) Represented here, apparently.How are his feet being reflected?Out of nowhere, as always.(Hyahyahya, welcome to my kingdom.) So he's a villain, now?(Big bro, this guy won't shut up. Ahaha, make him dance, big bro!)Why is that thing coloring up...?For a boss battle, of course!Quite the fucking upgrade. Keep in mind my health until that point was around 140.Like eating sushi off a naked woman's body, only infinitely more horrifying.Welcome to his Kingdom, April. You probably won't enjoy it for too long.Apparently, this is his reaction to the event.
You know when Nietzsche said "God is dead"? This game is the reason.
Sepia-to-monochrome conversion 84% complete.Finally. It can end.(We, e,) This line is impossible to translate faithfully.(Received February.) To make up for the lack of December.For whatever reason, he gets one of Jeremiah's prophecies, too.(Hmhmhm, Is this the rumored prophecy?...Is this all....no!) You mean there are MORE of these things?(All those guys at the Colony, they're gonna die!)I think he's a bad guy now? Who the hell knows?Inception?Wasn't he dead or something? Or frozen in a ceiling?(He will be reborn, as Neo Universal Man.) Because that's not the dumbest thing in the world.Nicodemus, why?What's that shit in the back? Is it Elvis again?"You're so fucked."(April, you don't know your filthiness. You were born of the mirror.) "But I'm Laika." "Same dif."(My mom died; Laika's mom died; everybody's mom died.) Oh, what the fuck happened here?Meanwhile...THIS IS YOUR HELL, LAIKA.A weird fucking laugh (or something; hell if I know) permeates the room. (And I'm just noticing this now: the background is literally asking "What do you want from me", only backward. Have fun sleeping tonight.)How terrifying is it that I've met somebody in real life who vaguely looks like this?
Wait, wait did they really mean that this the actual Laika's backstory? The Russian Cosmonaut Dog? Not just some Mt Dew and Doritos induced fever dream tangentially related to the dog?
Phoenix can kill people, but he's apparently a good guy. Logic must be weeping crickets right now.
I guess it's a rock?No comment.In case you forgot about Laika's mom killing herself.(It's not my fault,) "This is just how I greet people."(IS that you? Is that your you?)Even outside Nightmare Hellhole, Phoenix's conversation skills can kill.(Hahaha, idiot. I am Goldman, far stronger than you.) "You shouldn't have spoken to me and....what the hell happened? I'm not entirely clear on that."Is that Elvis in the back?(Secret Power...will it allow me to destroy the Faces?) And any semblance of gameplay along with it.YOU THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T GET WORSE.He gets a bad case of the hiccups as a result of this transformation. No, I don't know why."Good luck getting your money back, asshole.""OK, then."Yep, that ice sure is dissolved.The power of Holocaust-looking images haunts him still."Killllllllll meeeeeeee....."Here's some more of the exact same Hebrew text. Why not?(The Children of Truth will remember their first step, and dance in the Dream of Light. They shall begin walking as new humans.) I have to admit, that does sound prophetic.And then, eyes....Laika, age 20.
Lovecraft ain't got shit on...well, anything about this game, really.
(Ah, no! A guy who looked like dissolved ice came there!) "He was the best, just....lying on the ground in horrible pain. Wishing to die."(Aha, it seems my head is strange; it seems I forget numbers! I grasped a shining stone!)WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?I honestly have no goddamn clue what exactly I'm choosing; I pick one of these faces, but they both look exactly the same when highlighted, and it doesn't really do much for the overall game. And no, the actual words don't affect anything, either; they only mean "this one's good" and "I like the other one".(Look into my eyes...) Isn't that Agata's thing?I think there's somebody floating in the lower left picture taken from the Holocaust?Could it be?It's....a new character. One you don't control for terribly long.(This is Chewbacca, not me. I've never used such a human form.) BACK THE FUCK UP.Why, yes, it CAN get worse.(How pessimistic.) I'll improve my attitude when this game stops being so goddamn terrifying.(Ah, my left eye hurts...it's full of tears...) At first, I though that's what the green meant, but it turns out it's always like that.Not you, drunk comic relief!This happens whenever I talk to somebody with Phoenix.(Laika...it's you, Laika.) "Turns out I can contact you in this mad dream world. Who knew?"(The souls of the virtuous survive as stones.) Like Final Fantasy VI? God, I hope not.All you really need to take out of this is the phrase "historic history.""Must....kill...drunkard..."(Death Rock is there. It's death; it's a boulder that wants to die.) Pick one.(AaahAaahAaah, sorry, big bro. I was bad....About the kitten...) You do not want to know what happens to this goddamn cat.
(Earnest? Why does he exist?) Hell if I know.Only good things can come of this.See? Only good things.Did the budget run out for textures at some point? Why so many blank models all of the sudden?(Death's motive....who is it? Is it inviting Tania? Or is it me?) Take a guess.(Chewbacca, it's Mama. It's your Mama.) The truth is actually far fucking stranger. I don't even remember all of it.That thing in the middle appears courtesy of a scare chord.(Well, I shall open your hearts.) "Kali ma....kali ma...."(You burned a horse that was important to Vladmir.) FUCKING WHAT!?(Spacer, it's you who made Sergei into a criminal.) Aren't they just constructs of Laika's mind or something? Since when were they real people?(That's right, Little. You are Little. Little, Little, let's keep calling that name out!) Dick.Why are you scre-OH DEAR FUCK!(Aha, ahahaha, it's Christmas, it's a present.) Worst Christmas ever.(Hey, it's Christmas. Fall in a hole!) I give up. I fucking give up.(Ahahahaaha, turn turn turn, the world turns.) Fuck Jeremiah; REM were the REAL prophets.Oh, he hasn't left. He's still in this scene, everyone.LOOK AT THIS GAME! LOOK AT THIS FUCKING GAME!JUST FUCKING LOOK AT IT!(The sky is blue, the sea is blue...Therefore, my rainbow shines.) Deductive reasoning would later go on to slit its throat in a dark, cold alley.
I just looked at the boxart. As someone who understands Russian, it is literally skullfucking my brain. Please developers, stop doing that shit where you use the letters whichever way you like. I don't think there's any other language they do that with.
Today's update does worse things for bathing than the movie Psycho.
(What's this?...It's like bubbles...bath bubbles?) What I do in the tub is between me and the women of my dreams.I don't know what this is. She just stands here for a while, and trying to approach her mysteriously warps you outside. I'm not even sure how you progress the story after this. (I progressed through it, but I don't know how, even with the help of a walkthrough.)(I can't breathe...it hurts...)THE POWER OF DECEMBER!(December, a spring-like month. I can see a bus.) I am not kidding: http://jisho.org/kanji/details/%E6%98%A5(Hey, have dream and reality switched places on this planet?)"OH DEAR GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TEXTURES!?""Sup. It's been a while, man."That's about my reaction, too.(You will face yourself, and then find your true self.) Now I know why she was saying "warning warning warning" in that damn song.Despite being a recurring theme in the game, I STILL don't get it.Not you, too, Harold (or whatever your name is).THE POWER OF HEBREW TEXT!(This...this isn't my place! It's different!) "I haven't bathed a day in my life!"Again, my response to all this.Disgust is also proper.(Yes, Tania killed herself in the bathroom!) "And that fills me with abject rage."WHY!?(Nobody can save you, Yolanda.)Why does this look familiar?
There's no preparing you for what comes next. But has there ever been?
(You're a dog! An ordinary dog! hahahaha! Dog, dog, stupid dog!) If that one Animal Crossing LP was turned into a game. (You know the one.)(Die in Grandpa's bubble!)(You didn't fall? It's my alley; my arm.) I'm guessing this is supposed to say alley or maybe array, because otherwise, I have no goddamn clue.(My arm is a bubble, a pure white bubble.)(Grandpa's lips from that time are getting wet...) Alien possession wasn't bad enough; now you have to throw in blatant pedophilia?(There's a voice calling from within my head...) But you died. I SAW YOU FUCKING DIE!"Silly mortal. Did you think death could kill something like me?"(Hehehe, the Venusians'....) OK, according to Jisho.org, it's either their Earthern pipe or "with a bang".You can still talk to them, if you're into that sort of thing.Our villain, ladies and gentlemen: a space dog terrorist. I think?(I've finished my business. Well, let's go. It's an unpleasant experience, but we have to be patient.) You know, こりごり is actually a good way of describing this game.(It just disappeared right before my eyes! That Earthly woman, she just disappeared right into a strange door!)The land of splooge.I'm not even going to translate the full thing. All you need to know is that the phrase "cute ass" appears in this screenshot. No, I am not kidding; it really does say "cute ass".(It's dance time, boy.) In case the sexual overtones weren't clear enough already.What a way to die.You thought I was kidding, didn't you? Also, this means no more transformations for a while.What's in the door? Does it matter?(Say, Laika...have you ever felt like you were loved by somebody?) Of course not.(Your mom must have been a wonderful person...) Which probably explains why we haven't seen her at all in any of those family flashbacks.
A child gets suffocated to death, yet his life somehow gets worse from there. Wonderful.
(Hey, it's like I can hear it within my heart...Is this Jeremiah's prophecy?) Yes, this very clearly relates to Jesus.OH GOD, what the hell happened?Is a translation even necessary? I imagine you can figure it out yourselves.What are you doing here, demon dog?Even on Mars, you can't escape the influence of Devo.Received Boomer's Night? I've got no fucking clue.They are getting the space amped straight out of them.(Before, you....yes, weren't you loitering around the Ryan House just a moment ago?) "Do not try to fool me. My green gas flays the skin of the liar."Look all you want, Chewbacca. Ain't going to find an explanation for this anywhere.(Where did you go?)(What you can or cannot see, that is not the question.) Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the dogs and faces of outrageous stories, or to take arms against a sea of monsters, and by opposing end them.Apparently, this is supposed to be a good thing.JUST TRUST ME ON THIS........OK, what the fuck?(Hmhmhm, I'm, free! Yes, free!) OK, maybe it wasn't such a good thing.(You weren't late. I'm Cosmos. The Wind Child Cosmos!) It....it doesn't sound as badass in Japanese.They're both right just to stare in utter shock.Notice anything different here?(Hihihi, cute little pup, come play with Grandpa.) "I'll let YOU pick out the ice cream this time!"(Wahahaaha, is that it? Gaze upon that shitty looking face!) Nobody tell him it's a mirror.
Cutscene, mostly. The game's essentially bumbling in and out of increasingly terrifying cutscenes, some sine wave fights thrown in for the hell of it. Just one of the reasons Planet Laika is so, so awful.
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