Why are these titties so confusing? (Probably NSFW.)



Wiz 'n' Liz: The Frantic Wabbit Wescue

( Wait, did I beat this in a day?) Didn't I just do a blog on that? Why am I getting so many games that end faster than dumps I've taken? It's not like I'm playing Atari games, either; Mickey's Ultimate Challenge was an SNES game, and this one was on the Genesis. Wait, I think I figured it out: misleading titles make for stupidly short game. Mickey's Ultimate Challenge was about as ultimate as soggy toast, and Wiz 'n' Liz features no urinating reptiles. Also, because I know I'll never get another chance to use this joke, Sonic Adventure DX wins the Most Honest Video Game Title Award, at least when you focus on the DX part. 
 
 Also, this happens for no discernible reason. Magic cannot explain anything in this picture.
Anyway, back to Wiz 'n' Liz, which is at least more honest with its title than Mickey's Ultimate Challenge. Compared to Mickey's 33% honesty, Wiz 'n' Liz manages a slightly better 43% honesty rating. I'm not sure what that means, but my top mathologists tell me that the game is about rescuing rabbits. Some magic light things snatch them away, and you have to rescue them, probably because you have nothing better to do with your time. That's the best guess I have, given that there's no story whatsoever. You just play the game, face a boss out of nowhere, and it ends. And then it starts all over again. Confused, I did some research to see if this was actually the end of the game, and yes, turns out that it is an ending. I said "an ending" because as you'll notice if you did as much research as me, the game gives you multiple endings based on your difficulty. The only problem with the system is that for whatever reason, you have two difficulty levels, and you're not told which one does which. Worse yet, they're non-standard, meaning you're never sure what the hell you got. I chose Taxing Apprentice, because fuck Johnny Tremain. Apparently, Wiz 'n' Liz is a big fan of 1940s literature, since that route landed me the shit ending that comes five minutes into the game.
 
However, I'm guessing that part of that is due to the fact that levels are about two minutes long. You rarely run out of time, given that it's stupidly easy to spell words, especially when you're not spelling them. Unlike Word Runner, it doesn't matter what order you collect the letters in, so it's less spelling and more collecting things that make words. This only becomes more apparent later in the game, when you have to rescue all the bunnies in the level (yet still have to spell words, for whatever dumb reason). But let's say that you somehow find yourself low on time. What's that? You see some clocks you can collect? Shit, you only have five seconds! Better hurry! Good, you've collected it, and your time is up by....-2 seconds? The fuck? Oh, that's right! Those clocks don't refill your time now; they give you more time for the next round. Oh, might as well mention that this is the only way to refill your time and not die, and it sucks. I know, the levels are small and your character feels like Sonic put on a wizard outfit, but it still causes a lot more unnecessary deaths than I want. (In case your wondering, the amount of unnecessary deaths I want is usually equal to how many gladiators I could force into the arena when I'm bored.)
 
Wait, I forgot that there's a magic feature in this game. You know why I forgot? It never comes up. Ever. I've seen FAQs detailing all the fruit combinations and spells you can get from them, but it doesn't mean anything if you never have a reason to use the spells. Also, you don't really get a choice in which fruits you get, so again, it has about as much point as a circle. I imagine that it comes up later in the game, but Wiz 'n' Liz ends before I can get that far. Again, I know that the game continues on longer difficulties, but again, I don't know which difficulty's which, even though it says so in the first link. Even if I did know, they still took the "harder difficulty=more content" thing too far; you're supposed to add one level to the end, not get rid of 80% of the game. That's probably the biggest flaw, since if they let me play the whole game on any difficulty I wanted, I'd give it a few more points. But they didn't, so I'm giving it the Sex with Me Award for Predictably Disappointing Reasons.
 

Review Synopsis

  • It just cuts off before it can e-
 
 
 
 
You probably don't know this about me, but I'm actually transitioning into something you don't know about me, rather than saying that I want to know Japanese, or that I live on the Moon. Anyway, same intro before, but I know more about Yu-Gi-Oh than I feel comfortable knowing. That's why I love seeing somebody tearing the series a new asshole, even if they never address the important questions, like why Yugi's clothes perfectly fit when he doubles in height, or why the writers jammed in a stupid dice subplot.

 Apparently, this guy appears in more Yu-Gi-Oh games than SETO FUCKING KAIBA.

Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em

( This is not the title I chose, believe it or not.)  Instead, the original title for this blog was "I didn't expect things to be this quick." Hell, even without this stupid alteration, it could've worked. But then I noticed that there are more perverts in the community than just AjayRaz, since everybody confused "titles" with " titties." I can't imagine what you guys would think of the word "subtitles." (Hint: women do not have subtitties, no matter how much you want them to.) Because of you, I was forced to play a game relevant to the title: Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em.
 
I somehow first noticed the box art when I played this game. Not a lot of people talk about this, but the game calls itself "Swedish Erotica." I can think of several things wrong with that, the most important being that Sweden is not sexy. It looks like a flaccid penis and its people dress like they just don't care. Of course, I'm not an expert on sexy, so let me ask said expert if Sweden is sexy. Come on, what'd you expect? That's what I kept yelling while playing this game. Like many Atari games/pornos, there's no story, so I decided to make one up. Two women with five-o-clock shadows are choking, and they need help dislodging whatever's stuck in their throats. Since it's porn, I'm assuming that it's invisible dick. How do they get rid of the invisible dick of choking? Well, there's this guy on a roof, and he just drank a billion Gatorades. That's right, he's pissing into their mouths, not cumming. Sperm is not yellowish, deal with it. Besides, I doubt women would lick their lips after each round if they were swallowing something that isn't Gatorade. Despite the refreshing Lemon Lime Piss shower, they never quite get rid of their invisible mouth dicks. Even by my made-up standards, the story sucks; that's a new low. It fails to explain a lot of key story elements, like why their nipples are erect enough to carve stone, why they're punished for letting the guy piss on the ground, or why game overs result in the city behind you exploding.
 
 Wait, what happened to the other girl? Did she push her away with her massively erect nipples?
That's awesome, I know, but when's the last time you saw a porn with dynamite? (Don't answer that.) If you're counting this game, that's about 12 billion, since you'll see a lot of explosions in this game. If you're paying attention, don't expect an award or anything, at least not for you, but you'd know that you see explosions whenever you get game over. I'm guessing that it's BE&EE's (what a stupid acronym) way of telling you that it's just Kaboom in every way but graphics. Same gameplay, same controls, same shit handling, etc. Not a lot of people know this, but you can actually play this game with a trackball, just like Kaboom; unlike Kaboom, I assume people played this with the regular controller, watching the two bearded women glide from one side of the screen to the other, missing every drop of urine that comes their way, losing you valuable "turns" (I guess one person plays and the other jerks it?). Use the trackball, however, and you'll see the exact same thing slightly less of the time; this time, you'll hear the victory music for each three second round, which is, and I swear I'm not making this up, Shave and a Haircut: Two Bits. (It's this, musical idiots.) If you don't see anything funny about that, then you must have had your eyes removed, and the sockets filled with liquid blind. That's the perfect song for that moment. Hell, even the wording is perfect (have you ever seen his bits?).
 
So of course, we finally come to the big question I managed to avoid for the entire blog: can I jerk off to this game? As you guys should know, I'm biased on that question, given that I don't understand how pornographic gaming is supposed to work, so let me rephrase the question: does this game compare to regular jerking off? In this, I am an expert; I fuck my hand so much that it's illegal for me to make a fist without an OB-GYN present. So give me a minute to compare the two.......No, masturbation is better, even if it has less horrified screaming, if that's possible. I'd make a blog specifically about masturbation, but I think I did that when I made my FF12 blog back in my GameSpot days. But this isn't about FF12, no matter how much I hate it; it's about Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em, the crappy Kaboom rip-off. Wait, I've already exhausted all my BE&EE material, so I should probably just give it the award and be done with it. Sweden Award for Most Unsexy Behavior. You are dismissed.
 

Review Synopsis

  • These women move all over the place so fast, you'd think that they don't want a mouth full of dick fluid.
  • There are sexier games out there.
  • Holy shit, the music is so appropriate.
21 Comments
22 Comments
Posted by Video_Game_King


Wiz 'n' Liz: The Frantic Wabbit Wescue

( Wait, did I beat this in a day?) Didn't I just do a blog on that? Why am I getting so many games that end faster than dumps I've taken? It's not like I'm playing Atari games, either; Mickey's Ultimate Challenge was an SNES game, and this one was on the Genesis. Wait, I think I figured it out: misleading titles make for stupidly short game. Mickey's Ultimate Challenge was about as ultimate as soggy toast, and Wiz 'n' Liz features no urinating reptiles. Also, because I know I'll never get another chance to use this joke, Sonic Adventure DX wins the Most Honest Video Game Title Award, at least when you focus on the DX part. 
 
 Also, this happens for no discernible reason. Magic cannot explain anything in this picture.
Anyway, back to Wiz 'n' Liz, which is at least more honest with its title than Mickey's Ultimate Challenge. Compared to Mickey's 33% honesty, Wiz 'n' Liz manages a slightly better 43% honesty rating. I'm not sure what that means, but my top mathologists tell me that the game is about rescuing rabbits. Some magic light things snatch them away, and you have to rescue them, probably because you have nothing better to do with your time. That's the best guess I have, given that there's no story whatsoever. You just play the game, face a boss out of nowhere, and it ends. And then it starts all over again. Confused, I did some research to see if this was actually the end of the game, and yes, turns out that it is an ending. I said "an ending" because as you'll notice if you did as much research as me, the game gives you multiple endings based on your difficulty. The only problem with the system is that for whatever reason, you have two difficulty levels, and you're not told which one does which. Worse yet, they're non-standard, meaning you're never sure what the hell you got. I chose Taxing Apprentice, because fuck Johnny Tremain. Apparently, Wiz 'n' Liz is a big fan of 1940s literature, since that route landed me the shit ending that comes five minutes into the game.
 
However, I'm guessing that part of that is due to the fact that levels are about two minutes long. You rarely run out of time, given that it's stupidly easy to spell words, especially when you're not spelling them. Unlike Word Runner, it doesn't matter what order you collect the letters in, so it's less spelling and more collecting things that make words. This only becomes more apparent later in the game, when you have to rescue all the bunnies in the level (yet still have to spell words, for whatever dumb reason). But let's say that you somehow find yourself low on time. What's that? You see some clocks you can collect? Shit, you only have five seconds! Better hurry! Good, you've collected it, and your time is up by....-2 seconds? The fuck? Oh, that's right! Those clocks don't refill your time now; they give you more time for the next round. Oh, might as well mention that this is the only way to refill your time and not die, and it sucks. I know, the levels are small and your character feels like Sonic put on a wizard outfit, but it still causes a lot more unnecessary deaths than I want. (In case your wondering, the amount of unnecessary deaths I want is usually equal to how many gladiators I could force into the arena when I'm bored.)
 
Wait, I forgot that there's a magic feature in this game. You know why I forgot? It never comes up. Ever. I've seen FAQs detailing all the fruit combinations and spells you can get from them, but it doesn't mean anything if you never have a reason to use the spells. Also, you don't really get a choice in which fruits you get, so again, it has about as much point as a circle. I imagine that it comes up later in the game, but Wiz 'n' Liz ends before I can get that far. Again, I know that the game continues on longer difficulties, but again, I don't know which difficulty's which, even though it says so in the first link. Even if I did know, they still took the "harder difficulty=more content" thing too far; you're supposed to add one level to the end, not get rid of 80% of the game. That's probably the biggest flaw, since if they let me play the whole game on any difficulty I wanted, I'd give it a few more points. But they didn't, so I'm giving it the Sex with Me Award for Predictably Disappointing Reasons.
 

Review Synopsis

  • It just cuts off before it can e-
 
 
 
 
You probably don't know this about me, but I'm actually transitioning into something you don't know about me, rather than saying that I want to know Japanese, or that I live on the Moon. Anyway, same intro before, but I know more about Yu-Gi-Oh than I feel comfortable knowing. That's why I love seeing somebody tearing the series a new asshole, even if they never address the important questions, like why Yugi's clothes perfectly fit when he doubles in height, or why the writers jammed in a stupid dice subplot.

 Apparently, this guy appears in more Yu-Gi-Oh games than SETO FUCKING KAIBA.

Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em

( This is not the title I chose, believe it or not.)  Instead, the original title for this blog was "I didn't expect things to be this quick." Hell, even without this stupid alteration, it could've worked. But then I noticed that there are more perverts in the community than just AjayRaz, since everybody confused "titles" with " titties." I can't imagine what you guys would think of the word "subtitles." (Hint: women do not have subtitties, no matter how much you want them to.) Because of you, I was forced to play a game relevant to the title: Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em.
 
I somehow first noticed the box art when I played this game. Not a lot of people talk about this, but the game calls itself "Swedish Erotica." I can think of several things wrong with that, the most important being that Sweden is not sexy. It looks like a flaccid penis and its people dress like they just don't care. Of course, I'm not an expert on sexy, so let me ask said expert if Sweden is sexy. Come on, what'd you expect? That's what I kept yelling while playing this game. Like many Atari games/pornos, there's no story, so I decided to make one up. Two women with five-o-clock shadows are choking, and they need help dislodging whatever's stuck in their throats. Since it's porn, I'm assuming that it's invisible dick. How do they get rid of the invisible dick of choking? Well, there's this guy on a roof, and he just drank a billion Gatorades. That's right, he's pissing into their mouths, not cumming. Sperm is not yellowish, deal with it. Besides, I doubt women would lick their lips after each round if they were swallowing something that isn't Gatorade. Despite the refreshing Lemon Lime Piss shower, they never quite get rid of their invisible mouth dicks. Even by my made-up standards, the story sucks; that's a new low. It fails to explain a lot of key story elements, like why their nipples are erect enough to carve stone, why they're punished for letting the guy piss on the ground, or why game overs result in the city behind you exploding.
 
 Wait, what happened to the other girl? Did she push her away with her massively erect nipples?
That's awesome, I know, but when's the last time you saw a porn with dynamite? (Don't answer that.) If you're counting this game, that's about 12 billion, since you'll see a lot of explosions in this game. If you're paying attention, don't expect an award or anything, at least not for you, but you'd know that you see explosions whenever you get game over. I'm guessing that it's BE&EE's (what a stupid acronym) way of telling you that it's just Kaboom in every way but graphics. Same gameplay, same controls, same shit handling, etc. Not a lot of people know this, but you can actually play this game with a trackball, just like Kaboom; unlike Kaboom, I assume people played this with the regular controller, watching the two bearded women glide from one side of the screen to the other, missing every drop of urine that comes their way, losing you valuable "turns" (I guess one person plays and the other jerks it?). Use the trackball, however, and you'll see the exact same thing slightly less of the time; this time, you'll hear the victory music for each three second round, which is, and I swear I'm not making this up, Shave and a Haircut: Two Bits. (It's this, musical idiots.) If you don't see anything funny about that, then you must have had your eyes removed, and the sockets filled with liquid blind. That's the perfect song for that moment. Hell, even the wording is perfect (have you ever seen his bits?).
 
So of course, we finally come to the big question I managed to avoid for the entire blog: can I jerk off to this game? As you guys should know, I'm biased on that question, given that I don't understand how pornographic gaming is supposed to work, so let me rephrase the question: does this game compare to regular jerking off? In this, I am an expert; I fuck my hand so much that it's illegal for me to make a fist without an OB-GYN present. So give me a minute to compare the two.......No, masturbation is better, even if it has less horrified screaming, if that's possible. I'd make a blog specifically about masturbation, but I think I did that when I made my FF12 blog back in my GameSpot days. But this isn't about FF12, no matter how much I hate it; it's about Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em, the crappy Kaboom rip-off. Wait, I've already exhausted all my BE&EE material, so I should probably just give it the award and be done with it. Sweden Award for Most Unsexy Behavior. You are dismissed.
 

Review Synopsis

  • These women move all over the place so fast, you'd think that they don't want a mouth full of dick fluid.
  • There are sexier games out there.
  • Holy shit, the music is so appropriate.
Posted by mylifeforAiur

I can't believe that you played Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em. Did AVGN teach you nothing? :P 

Posted by TaliciaDragonsong

Damn you and your misleading titles all the time!

Posted by Video_Game_King
@mylifeforAiur: 
 
He taught me that there are more pornographic Atari games than just Custer's Revenge :P.
 
@TaliciaDragonsong:
 
Don't blame me, blame the fans.
Posted by natetodamax

Why exactly do you play through all these old ass games? Is there a goal you are trying to reach?

Online
Posted by Video_Game_King
Posted by FirePrince

Titles....titties.  
Damn you Video Game King.Damn you.

Posted by Yummylee
@TaliciaDragonsong said:
" Damn you and your misleading titties all the time! "
Posted by InfamousBIG

YES! 
 
You have made me proud.

Posted by BraveToaster

Seto Fucking Kaiba!

Posted by Video_Game_King
@Axxol: 
 
Yes, Seto Kaiba. That'd be like Poliwhirl appearing in more Pokemon games than Gary Oak. Wait....fuck.
Posted by foggel

I was told there were boobs.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@foggel: 
 
Obviously, I did not disappoint.
Posted by melcene
@foggel said:
" I was told there were boobs. "
:( 
 
Also, this blog was entertaining, despite its lack of boobs.
Edited by Tireyo
@natetodamax:
No school like the old school.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Tireyo643: 
 
What about old school?
Posted by Tireyo
@Video_Game_King: Older games have a charm to them.
Posted by Hailinel
@melcene said:
" @foggel said:
" I was told there were boobs. "
:(  Also, this blog was entertaining, despite its lack of boobs. "
But there are boobs.  Impossible, highly pixelated boobs.
 
Also, why VGK, what possessed you to play Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em voluntarily?  Surely you realize that there are better (and far more embarrassing) porn games out there?
Online
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Hailinel: 
 
Like what? Name some old school porn games that aren't as embarrassing as Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em.
Posted by Hailinel
@Video_Game_King said:
" @Hailinel:   Like what? Name some old school porn games that aren't as embarrassing as Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em. "
No, you misread.  I said that there are better AND far more embarrassing porn games out there.
Online
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Hailinel: 
 
You think I want the embarrassment part? I can already get that from my memories of Yu-Gi-Oh.
Posted by LiquidSwords