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Mento

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Video Game Store Yelp Reviews

Oh dear me, what am I doing? Why, jumping on yet another bandwagon while the iron's still hot (I don't think those two idioms go together). See the second Chrono Trigger ER video for this list's inspiration.

List items

  • 1-star. "Seriously creepy guy, thought he was a flasher. He has flashbangs, but that's not the same thing. Probably some sort of illegal gun-runner? If I wasn't surrounded with zombie mexicans, I'd want nothing to do with this guy. AVOID."<br>

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    1-star. "Ugh this guy. "WHAT ARE YA SELLIN'?" Pepper spray. Here's a free sample, you disturbing hobo freak."

  • 1-star. "DO NOT BUY FROM THIS ESTABLISHMENT. The proprietor seems friendly, but I got locked into a costly vicious cycle of loans for home improvements. I had to sell all my fossils just to feed myself :("<br>

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    2-star. "Fuck does 'carouse' mean?"

  • 1-star "yeah, nice try mr striped pajamas, but i'm pretty sure potions cost about a tenth of that amount at the store next door."<br>

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    3-star "Torneko's prices aren't fair, granted, but I found a lot of rare items in his store I couldn't get anywhere else. He will also take orders, though I've yet to receive the ultimate armor set. He says he 'knows a guy' who's out 'saving the world' and will 'get back to me on that'. Sounds shady as hell, but I need that gear."

  • (Citadel Souvenirs)

    5-star. "I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel."<br>

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    3-star. "These fish keep dying. What gives? Do space fish need special care or something? I'm just going to snatch some of those robot ones from the Promenade next time."<br>

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    2-star. "Unless you want dead fish or a cheap-ass freighter model that breaks the first time your ship experiences turbulence, don't shop here. That Commander Shepard quote is on the yelp page of every store here, it's clearly fake. No-one that awesome would sell out this badly, surely."

  • 3-star. "Cool stuff, if you like pig feed I guess. But why the hell does it float out in the middle of the ocean? Completely inconvenient. Dude also gets crazy excited when you buy something and it weirds me out."<br>

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    4-star. "Hey! Yeah you, store guy. You were selling this bad-ass piece of heart the other day and I said I'd be back for it once I had enough money. Now you're claiming you have no knowledge of it? Motherfucker, I know that was you underneath that helmet. Just sell me the damn heart."

  • 5-star. "I am completely satisfied with this item merchant. He is not constantly in my dreams, telling me what to do. I am not covered in blood, this is red paint. I have decided to paint my house with red paint. Please buy from this item merchant."<br>

  • 3-star. "Neat weapons, if a little unusual in how similar most of them seem to be, but I sure am sick of hearing his voice everywhere."<br>

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    1-star. "Hit the button on the weapon vending machine and nothing came out. Shook the damn thing for close to five minutes but all it did was set off all the grenades someone stored in there, so that was great. Couldn't get anything out of a Diet Squish machine recently too. Surely one of the many psychotic bandits and hobos around here could maintain these things?"

  • 1-star. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?"<br>

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    4-star. "This guy's legit. Thanks again, man. Really couldn't wait to bomb Dodongos."

  • 3-star. "This ship seems like a fine deal, but I really don't trust this guy. My momma always said 'never trust a guy whose plaid shirt texture never moves'."<br>

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    1-star. "I figured the one bright spot of becoming an undead pirate was that I could cash in on my life insurance, but now this dude is a real estate merchant all of a sudden? Fuck. Might as well see if I can extra on one of those bullshit Johnny Depp movies."

  • 5-star. "This guy is the worst merchant ever. He'll buy any old junk you have at full value. Good thing too, because I was this close to turning him into rangoon."<br><br>

    3-star. "The hell, Sebastian? Weren't you the one telling me it was 'better down where it's wetter'? Hypocrite. Though seriously, can I unload all these dinglehoppers? I need cash for a new shell bra."

  • 1-star. "This little shit ripped me off again! I saw the same sword at Griswold's for half that much."<br>

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    5-star. "Hey, dude, respect the dead. RIP little bro. Sorry I used up your leg to get to that fucked up cow world."

  • 4-star. "Hey, in a cosmos filled with giant spiders, tentacled oppressors and unspeakable horrors that masquerade as parrotfish, avaricious starfish aliens are the least of my problems. Even if their predilection for biological samples does strike me as a tad ominous."<br>

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    3-star. "I'm just saying: How do we know they're NOT Mel Torme?"

  • 1-star. "Terrible influence on the children of this town. It's bad enough people are getting murdered and left on TV aerials, but to then sell schoolkids katanas.. this is why the world is falling apart."<br>

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    4-star. "Good stuff to find in here, but the guy wants the weirdest shit ('for inspiration' he says) before he'll take any commissions. Where the hell am I going to find five 'ferocious ingots'?"

  • 4-star. "Cute owner, nicely arranged store. Do I really need to haggle for everything though? I just need some Egg Bread for dinner tonight."<br>

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    1-star. "Terrible service, horrible selection. My advice? Find Euria in the town square and buy from her instead. She's got all the best deals on antiques you're bound to love. Definitely nothing stolen. Signed, Eur.. uh, that fairy that follows Recette around."

  • 1-star. "What.. the.. fuck?"<br>

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    5-star. "BUY IT NOW, IF YOU'RE SMART, AT MALO MART! BUY IT NOW, IF YOU'RE SMART, AT MALO MART! THIS SONG WON'T LEAVE MY HEAD!"