WET

I thought we had a good thing going, baby. I was blown away by the demo when you first showed up in the game WET. Okay, the swordplay was a little clunky, but I dug how you flew through the air and glided across the ground, shooting everything in your path. I loved that rockin' soundtrack containing everything from The Arkhams to The Notorious MSG. And I just absolutely loved the highway chase sequence that had you jumping from car to car, gunning down anyone foolish enough to stand in your path.
 
The story seemed innocent enough: Rubi, voiced by Eliza Dushku, goes on a mission of revenge after finding herself betrayed by her client after her last job. Seemed like a nice setup for a Tarantino flick, and throughout the game anyone can see you were showing off that grindhouse style of film. But Rubi, why you gotta act all tough and butch? There could have been some interesting character development in that regard, like a revelation as to why you found it necessary to act like a man and shed your former identity, but instead you're pretty much just another generic tough-guy character, except this tough guy has boobs and a slightly higher-pitched voice. Okay, so the story wasn't good, maybe the gameplay would be better.
 
But then when I got the chance to rent the game, it seemed like the magic was just gone. Where did it go, baby? Where did it go? I thought that you would have fixed some of those bugs, but apparently they were just another "feature" in your little game: The awful platforming that required you to guess half the time where the next grab-able ledge or platform was, rewarding you with death if you were off by a centimeter. The jumping puzzles that littered the room with gun-toting mooks that forced you to choose between getting out of the room and being gunned down, or fighting back and being gunned down by the one enemy you couldn't see. The button-mashing required just to open a door when there were no enemies around. I thought you were better than that.
  
Seriously, camera problems and jumping puzzles in this era? Random Quick Time Events in cutscenes? I thought we were past that, baby. I thought you knew better than that. Not that you didn't try something different, what with the "arena" setpiece levels that had enemies that spawned infinitely until you broke their doors down. But baby, that's something that should have gone in the bonus features, not as a necessary level to traverse in order to reach the next part of the game. 
 
Maybe it was my fault for pushing "hard" when I started the game, but that icebox arena level was the straw that broke this camel's back. If I focused on the meathead with the gatling gun, I'd get shot by the mooks. If I tried to close the doors, the gatling gun would turn me into Swiss cheese. If I tried cutting through the mooks to build up some bullet-time meter, then I'd have to face the sword-wielding guys with the armored facemasks. And on top of that, every time you died I'd have to restart at the previous section where I have to fight my way through the same 5-6 mooks just to reach that arena. I just can't win, baby.
 
Though I suppose in the end it didn't matter, because from what I hear, the supposed final boss fight is actually just one big QTE and little is resolved.
 
You really let me down, Rubi. Maybe if the folks at A2M had spent more time on the game and less on the rocking soundtrack and shitty plot, then I wouldn't have killed you over and over again in the heat of battle. But it's over between us now, baby. Hopefully you'll find someone better if there's ever a sequel.