ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER IS SOME ASSHOLE ON THE INTERNET. HES NOT A WRITER HES NOT SOME KIND OF ELABORATE INSIDE JOKE HES NOT JEFF GERSTMANNS ALTER EGO IN FACT HES NOT INVOLVED WITH THE VIDEOGAME INDUSTRY IN ANY CAPACITY WHATSOEVER. AND BEING THAT HE IS BANNED FOR LIFE FROM THE GIANT BOMB COMMUNITY IT IS UNCLEAR WHY THE FUCK HES FEATURED HERE AT ALL. HELL HE DIDNT EVEN PLAY HALF THE SHIT EVERYBODY AROUND HERE HAS BEEN SHORTSTROKING IT OVER ALL YEAR LONG. THE LAST OF US? NOPE DIDNT PLAY IT. BROTHERS? DIDNT PLAY THAT EITHER. BIOSHOCK INFINITE? NEVER PLAYED ANY OF THAT BIOSHOCK SHIT EVER. NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT ZODIAC WOULD PROBABLY RATHER BE WATCHING MIAMI VICE ON THE ESQUIRE CHANNEL RIGHT NOW INSTEAD OF WRITING A BUNCH OF SHIT THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE JUST GONNA PISS AND MOAN AND CRY ABOUT ANYHOW LIKE THEY DO EVERY FUCKING YEAR. YET WE TREAD ON HEEDLESS. ZODIAC CORDIALLY INVITES YOU TO FORWARD ALL CONCERNS TO THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW
ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER DRIVES LINCOLN LISTENS TO MOBILE DEATHCAMP AND DRINKS KESSLER. BEND THE KNEE AT TWITTER.COM/ZODIAC_MF
10. PAYDAY 2
SUPPOSEDLY YOU CAN PULL OFF THE PERFECT ROBBERY IN THIS GAME BUT FUCK IF IVE EVER SEEN IT DONE. EVERY JOB IVE EVER BEEN ON ENDED UP WITH MORE DEAD COPS THAN THE FUCKING MATRIX. BASICALLY ITS LIKE PULLING A BANK HEIST WITH WAINGRO MR BLONDE RICHIE MADANO AND THAT DUMB MOTHERFUCKER IN PARKER WHO WAS TOO BUSY LOOKING AT TITTIES TO DO HIS FUCKING JOB
ULTRAAAAAAAAA COMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUUUUUUUCK YEAH KILLER INSTINCT MAKING ITS GLORIOUS RETURN I GUESS. KIND OF A WACK FRANCHISE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT PUNCHING A MOTHERFUCKER IN THE FACE SIXTY FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW IS A WINNING FORMULA NO MATTER HOW YOU LOOK AT IT. A GAME THAT TRULY CAPTURES THE JOY AND WONDERMENT OF PUTTING A NEEDLESSLY PROTRACTED AND ONESIDED ASSBEATING ON A DEFENSELESS OPPONENT
FINALLY A ZOMBIE GAME THAT FOCUSES ON REAL SURVIVAL WITH RESOURCE SCAVENGING AND BRUTAL PERMADEATH AND A SMART PERSISTENCE SYSTEM THAT WIPED OUT MY SURVIVORS LIKE A BUNCH OF FUCKING HAMSTERS I FORGOT TO WATER BEFORE GOING ON VACATION. BUT HONESTLY IF YOU NEED A REPROBATE LIKE MYSELF TO TAKE CARE OF YOU 24/7 THEN YOUR SITUATION WAS PROBABLY FUCKED FROM THE JUMP
BATMAN PROVING YET AGAIN THAT TORTURE IS RIGHT TORTURE IS GOOD AND TORTURE WORKS. THATS BATMAN: MAKING THE HARD CHOICES THAT YOU PUSSIES CANT MAKE
6. CIVILIZATION V BRAVE NEW WORLD
THE BRAVE NEW WORLD EXPANSION PACK ALLOWS CIVILIZATIONS TO SET UP TRADE ROUTES AND BUILD MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL RELATIONS WITH THEIR NEIGHBORS WHILE CREATING TIMELESS WORKS OF ART AND ESTABLISHING CULTURAL TRADITIONS THAT ENLIGHTEN NATIONS THE WORLD OVER. THEN I NUKE THE FUCK OUT OF THEM
HA I MEAN SHIT DONT BUY THIS GAME OR ANYTHING BECAUSE ITS BUSTED AS FUCK AND YOULL END UP SPENDING MORE TIME SITTING THERE WITH YOUR PECKER IN YOUR PAW WAITING TO GET IN A GAME THAN YOU WILL ACTUALLY PLAYING THE FUCKING THING. BUT STILL BATTLEFIELD IS ALL ABOUT RUNNING OVER FUCKERS WITH TANKS AND BLASTING A JET OUT OF THE SKY AND SENDING IT STRAIGHT INTO THE GROUND LIKE A FUCKING LAWN DART AND COLLAPSING ENTIRE FUCKING BUILDINGS ON SQUADS OF ASSHOLES TRYING TO KILL YOU SO I GOTTA INCLUDE IT ON THE LIST. BECAUSE WHEN IT WORKS ITS THE GREATEST SHIT EVER. PROBLEM IS IT NEVER FUCKING WORKS
BUT AS AN ASIDE HOLY SHIT FUCK EA. RELEASING THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF SUCH A MAJESTIC FRANCHISE IN THIS CHRISTAWFUL STATE IS A MOTHERFUCKING OUTRAGE
NETHERREALM KNOWS OWNAGE AND THE PHENOMENAL FUCKING GAMEPLAY OF INJUSTICE BEARS THAT OUT. WHETHER IM BREAKING BATMANS BACK WITH BANE OR LAUNCHING THAT DOGS DICK LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER SINESTRO THROUGH THE MOON WITH ZOD OR RUNNING TWENTY FOUR THOUSAND NINETY ONE MILES JUST TO BEAT WONDER WOMANS FUCKING ASS WITH FLASH THE OWNAGE CONTAINED IN INJUSTICE IS DAMN NEAR UNQUANTIFIABLE. BUT THEN THERES THE STORYLINE: INJUSTICE IMAGINES A WORLD WHERE SUPERMAN AT LONG LAST DECIDES TO FULFILL HIS DESTINY AND SAYS FUCK IT IM JUST GONNA OWN EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVERYBODY. FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS: EXECUTING THAT ASSHOLE JOKER. SOMEBODY SHOULDVE THOUGHT OF THAT A LONG MOTHERFUCKING TIME AGO. AND HA CHECK THAT FUCKING FOSSIL SHAZAM ALL THINKING HE COULD BACKTALK SUPERMAN AND GETTING HIS FUCKING ASS BROILED FOR HIS TROUBLE. TRULY ONE OF THE GREATEST MOMENTS OF OWNAGE IN THE GAMING YEAR 2013
AS I ALWAYS SAY THE GREATEST GAMES MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE AND MY DREAM IS TO SET FUCKERS ON FIRE WITH MY MIND WITH ASHLY HOTNESS BURCH ON MY ELBOW WHILE KEITH DAVID DOES THE FUCKING ROBOT DOWN A SOUL TRAIN DANCE LINE TO SOME LATE ERA NEW JACK SWING BULLSHIT. THANK YOU VOLITION FOR BRINGING MY STUPIDEST FUCKING FANTASIES TO LIFE. AND ALSO FOR THAT AWESOME RIFF ON METAL GEAR
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT TORTURE SEQUENCE HOLY SHIT TOTAL FUCKING PIPE WRENCH OWNAGE FUCK YEAH LEVEL OF THE YEAR AND I BET THOSE CANDYASSES OVER AT KOTAKU CURLED UP LIKE FUCKING PILLBUGS OVER THAT SHIT. IF THIS IS A JUST WORLD TREVOR PHILLIPS WILL BECOME A VIDEOGAME ICON ON PAR WITH MARIO AND MASTER CHIEF AND THAT OSTRICH FROM JOUST
1. ASSASSINS CREED IV BLACK FLAG
AVAST YE MOTHERFUCKERS SET SAIL ON THE SEAS OF OWNAGE WITH CAPTAIN JAX TELLER AND SET A COURSE FOR TERROR AND MURDER AS YOU ROB AND PILLAGE AND GUTSTAB ANY SCURVY ASSHOLE THAT TRIES TO STOP YOU. GODDAMN DID THIS ONE CATCH ME BY SURPRISE BECAUSE WHEN IT SENDS YOU TO HAVANA EARLY ON AND IT UNFOLDS EXACTLY AND I MEAN EXACTLY LIKE THE NINE THOUSAND OTHER ASSASSINS CREED GAMES I WAS KINDA LIKE FUCK THIS. BUT WHEN YOU GET THAT SHIP THIS GAME BUSTS WIDE OPEN INTO THE FINEST OPEN WORLD SHIT IVE PLAYED IN A LONG LONG WHILE AND I AINT EVEN HALF BULLSHITTING: ALL KINDS OF AWESOME EXPLORATION AND SIDE MISSIONS AND A VERITABLE FUCKING SHITLOAD OF COLLECTIBLES SOME OF WHICH ARENT EVEN COMPLETELY WORTHLESS PLUS NONSTOP UPGRADES AND TERRITORY TO TAKE OVER AND TROPICAL STORMS TO FUCK YOU UP AND PIRATE SONGS TO SING AND GREAT BIG NIGH FUCKING INVINCIBLE WARSHIPS THATLL CHASE YOUR ASS ALL OVER THE OCEAN LIKE MASTER AND MOTHERFUCKING COMMANDER. HELL YOU CAN SLAUGHTER WHALES ALL DAY LONG IF THATS YOUR DEAL. I KNOW ITS MINE
THEY DONT DISAPPOINT IN THE PROTAGONIST DEPARTMENT THIS TIME AROUND EITHER: SOME SMUG GREEDY FECKLESS FUCKING STONE COLD LIMEY PRICK WHO DECIDES HES GONNA BAIL ON HIS PILL OF A WIFE AND GO START SOME SHIT OVER IN BANANALAND. AND THATS IT. THATS THE WHOLE SETUP. HES NOT OUT FOR REVENGE AND HES NOT GIVING A FUCK ABOUT THIS CONVOLUTEDASS TEMPLAR ASSASSIN BEEF. ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS GET PAID AND MOTHERFUCK ANYBODY WHO GETS IN HIS WAY. CAPTAIN KENWAY: A HERO FOR ALL OF TIME. MATTER OF FACT ITS KINDA TOO BAD THIS HAD TO BE AN ASSASSINS CREED GAME BECAUSE ALL THAT PIRATE SHIT IS SO FUCKING GREAT. FUCK AM I DOING CLIMBING THESE RICKETYASS TOWERS AND SORTING OUT SOME HORSESHIT TEMPLAR INTRIGUE WHEN I COULD BE OUT CONDEMNING A DOZEN HARDWORKING FAMILY MEN TO A WATERY DEATH OVER 20 CASKS OF RUM. I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I WAS HIJACKING SOME POOR BASTARDS SHIP AND A DUDE CAME AT ME WITH A SWORD AND I KICKED HIS FUCKING ASS OVERBOARD. THAT WAS WAY MORE SATISFYING THAN MY TEN THOUSANDTH WRIST BLADE ASSASSINATION
BUT FUCK IT I AINT ABOUT TO COMPLAIN. IT AINT EVERY DAY SOME CREAKYASS ANNUALIZED FRANCHISE MANAGES AN ENTRY THATS THIS DIFFERENT AND THIS FUCKING AWESOME. TAKE THE YEAR OFF ASSASSINS CREED. YOU EARNED IT
NO SERIOUSLY TAKE THE FUCKING YEAR OFF
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