Bayonetta

 
 
When word got out that Hideki Kamiya (maker of Devil May Cry, and Viewtiful Joe) was making a new game, the hack and slash community had a bit of a “may cry” in their pants. I was among the group of people looking forward to it, considering how well done Viewtiful Joe was. Then info started to trickle out that it was going to be more along the lines of Devil May Cry, which made the joy in my pants less viewtiful. Don’t get me wrong, Devil May Cry is a great game, but I was not a big fan of the look and feel of the open world hack and slash. I’m more a fan of the side scrolling beat ‘em ups, because, for some reason, I find the open stage type of fighting to be a bit beyond me.

Yes that’s right, I’m saying here and now… I’m not good at open stage hack and slash games… It’s hard to say but it’s true. Muramasa, Turtles in Time, I love, But God of War and DMC I am not a fan of, which made me all the more disinterested in Bayonetta. Then the hype train rolled into the station, 10’s from just about every reviewer this side of Russia. I was dumbfounded, how could a hack and slash offer so much, with such an ugly main character. All of these 10’s can’t be deserved, there is no way in hell something as simple as “HIT X X Y Y AND WIN” could get 10’s from everybody. Right?!

So I sat down, notepad in hand, and played this ugly Brit from start to end. And I’m horrified to report that I was wrong… for the most part.

STORY:

In lack of a better word, I can only describe this game’s story as “bipolar” or “inconsistent” if you don’t want me to make fun of a mental disability. In just about every cinematic, the dialog will range from “serious …*pause in dialog*… business” to “HAY!! I SHOULD BE A STRIPPER,” *puts on banana suit* More times than not, it the dialog will shift like that about 5 times during any given cut scene. All of this backed up by some of the WORST dialog, voice acting, and characters known to man. Thankfully the story has a few worthwhile moments, most of them being unintentional unfortunately. But to me, the best part of the story is the opening.

Bayonetta, a witch of the 80’s hair metal clan, starts the game dressed as a nun. She’s praying at the foot of a coffin yet to be lowered into the ground. While Enzo, the “wacky” character, spouts some trash that’s not even important. Suddenly the cloudy sky opens up and angels descend to take the obviously not dead guy in the casket. And SHOCK! The nun praying is Bayonetta, the woman we already knew she was, jumping in the sky and rubbing her butt on the bird angel things. Then SHOCK! Rodin (who I mistakenly called Dutch quite a bit) busts out of his stone coffin in all of his bad ass glory throwing guns to Bayonetta as she… kills stuff, while Enzo (AKA Comic relief) runs around crying like a little girl.

Now, before I go any further, does it sound like I forgot to mention some key components to that late title card sequence? Like why Bayonetta is fighting angels, or why Rodin (some dude from Hell) is in a casket? Well good luck understanding the rest of this story, because that was about as coherent as this clichéd trash gets. Everywhere you turn you find some anime story clipping that should have been left on the editing room floor. Some flim-flam about ancient clans, two eyes, and the main characters amnesia (you knew that was coming). The entire latter part of the game focuses on some whinny little brat, a plot point that doesn’t actually go ANYWHERE AT ALL!!

And when the main character is the person you like the least, you know something is off. Now I know I can’t make fun of their looks here (I’ll get to that later) but when the most interesting, and best voiced, character in your game is the shop keeper, you failed to pay someone properly. Not to mention Bayonetta is (apparently) from the UK, and her British accent is about as good as mine. Same thing with the kids faked “mummy, I’d like some more scones” crap, along side Enzo’s cheesy New York accent… lets just say you will come close to barfing. All of this horrendous characterization does not help the badly written story come along any smoother. And right when you think the game is about to answer some questions, it just dumps more “for the maker” crap in your lap and then calls it a day. All of this will end up leaving you with an experience about as emotionally gripping as a sandwich.

A one sentence wrap up!:

It’s almost like they said “Well she’s hot, that’s all the more gamers want” then gave a hobo a hobo some gin and told him to write the story for them.

Control:

When the guy that made Devil May Cry and Viewtiful Joe, starts a new IP, you can only expect the best control in your game. And the combat in Bayonetta does not disappoint. The fighting controls exceptionally well, with more combos then I care to count unlocked from beginning. And a grip (yes I used the term grip) more you can buy with sonic rings… I mean halos… because this is a Sega game…The combat system is deep, rich, and simple enough to get into. Given the proper amount of time, you can find a large group of combos that work for you.

Now this is GREAT news for the veteran hack and slash junky who wants to use only the coolest looking, and most complex combos. But what about everybody else that is unfortunate enough to not be good at hack and slash titles? Worry not; the combat is tight enough for even you to get some fun out of it. More so with the right trigger acting as the parry button, rather than a face button. I found that simple button placement not only refreshing, but a nice touch. That way when someone, like me, comes mashing along with all their “I SUCK AT THIS GAME” rage, they don’t accidentally bump it, fucking up a combo or attack string. But if you’re really bad (like me) you can always fall back on an overpowered combo or move, one of the most overly powered being “break-dance”, a move that you (should) do after you successfully parry a move, triggering Bullet-Witch-time (See what I did there?), where in Bayonetta starts to break-dance, making Eddy Gordo’s moves seem fair in comparison.

But with the good comes the bad, and that bad comes with some extremely dumb platforming. Most of which is carried out through something called “Witch walking”, where in Bayonetta can walk around on walls. Not only is this disorienting, it’s not really necessary. I mean I get the idea behind it, but when I’m in the middle of a frantic boss fight, I don’t really want to jump from wall to wall like Spider Man. And the “Road to the End” or whatever you want to call it, consists of some really bad platforming, where in you jump from platform to platform as they just sort of disappear.

Along side the bad platforming comes some of the worst on rails sections I’ve seen in gaming for an age. One of which is carried out on a motorcycle (because, you know, when you think witch, you think Harley) with a time limit that should have been cut down by at least 3 minutes. The other of which is a missile ride sequence, and depending on what difficulty setting you had it on, this will either be where you stop playing thanks to the unnatural levels of suicidal frustration, or you’ll fall asleep thanks to the length.

A one sentence wrap up!:

Super slick combat, marred by slight mistakes in ether level design, or executive choices to include on rails segments.

AI:

AI is one of the most important things in a hack and slash game. If all your enemies are as threatening as a storm trooper, you’re going to run through the game without opposition. But if the enemies are too hard, the game will be frustrating, and it won’t be fun to play. You got to find the right balance between the two in order to make a great overall experience. Unfortunately, Bayonetta has a hard time finding that balance. Over all, it’s not a really big issue, but at spots you will become INSANELY frustrated.

Where the AI shines is in the cannon fodder, bird, angel things. They are plentiful, and cause enough of an opposition to be a threat, but are satisfying to kill. And with the low level grunts all over the place, and a few higher levels, almost boss like, giants peppered about, the game finds a nice balance. While it may take some time to learn how they fight with different weapons: trumpets, horns, whips etc., it never becomes over bearing.

But this game ABSOLUTELY drops that whole balance thing on the extremely overpowered bosses. And I know this isn’t really an AI issue, but they are BEYOND overpowered. At points they will take upwards of 10 or more tries to kill. This is half way due to your health bar being low at the start (on normal difficulty), and half way due to the extremely overpowered nature of the attacks. I thought the games industry had gotten past the whole “trial and error” thing, but apparently they hate our guts and want us to throw our controller in frustration.

Which I did at one point, thanks to a particular fucking frustrating boss battle (HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU JUST GONNA THROW IN A QUICK TIME EVENT WITHOUT USING ONE AT ALL DURING THE FIRST HALF OF THE GAME YOU FUCKING BITCH!!), which made me turn down the difficulty level for a few chapters. This threw all the AI off balance. Now entire enemies’ forces started dying within a few blows. Not only were they weakened, but apparently they forgot how to attack as well. Unfortunately you can’t do the first half of a chapter on normal, then switch it to easy on the final boss (fuck you integrity). So you need to decide whether or not you want to charge through unopposed then get to the boss and have a good old-fashioned fight, or have fun getting to the boss, but then get so pissed you turn off the game in frustration. I could only imagine that “Super Easy” just shows you all the cut scenes and says “YOU ARE A WINNER” afterward.

A one sentence wrap up!:

When it’s good, it’s great, but when it’s bad it’s-FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING ASS HOLE!! I SWEAR TO GOD I’M GOING TO SHOVE THIS SO FAR….

GRAPHICS:

Ok, before I start talking about how gorgeous this game looks, I want to talk about how horridly designed the main characters are. When I first saw the artistic renders for Bayonetta, I said to myself “calm down, they are just concepts, there not that dumb”, but it turns out I was wrong. Now I do not mind stylized art, or characters. In fact, when they are done right, I love the look of an overly fucked individual. But when you start messing around with proportion, and then say “we did it to make her more attractive” you need to get your head examined. Yes, I understand some people are attracted to different things, some like the legs on Chun Li, some like the legs on Cammy. Some say tomato, some say tomato… Wait that analogy doesn’t really work in text does it…

ANYWAY!! When you take what could have been a good looking woman, and give her cricket legs, you cannot pass her off as sexy. Same goes for eye and lip size, as in the eyes should not be the same size as the lips. This all comes into perspective when you see Luka (some random jack off) who is stylized the same way as Bayonetta, standing next to normal sized people. Not only is he about 2ft taller, his torso is about half the size of what it should be if it were proportionally correct to his 6ft arms and legs. This stylized look only looks right on one person, and that’s Rodin, the shop keeper, not only because he seems other worldly, but because he IS other worldly!! HE’S FROM FUCKING HELL FOR SHIT’S SAKE!! … Sorry about that, but I just think they are trying to pass off one of the ugliest main characters I’ve ever see as “sexy”.

And when I say they try to, I mean that’s all they do. Just about every cinematic is about her butt, or her boobs. Fuck even in game they have her straddle the lever you need to pull to open the door. One of the biggest things that the game touts is that she isn’t wearing clothes, but is covered by her own hair. Not only is that not sanitary, it’s not sexy. You know that she is growing that hair EVERYWHERE she can, she’s not hiding a whole body suit worth of hair in that Marge Simpson hair cut of hers. And the big “pay off” after a boss battle is to have her hair turn into something, leaving her standing there nude for some reason. I guess that makes since if you’re only thinking about the aftermarket “fan-fic porn”, but there is no reason for that.

*Sigh* Enough about my grievances towards the games bad characters design, let’s talk about the positive artistic attributes. This game universe is extremely well realized, Bayonetta aside. The level design can be simply breathtaking at points, with a few transitional levels aside. I think my favorite scene is the falling clock tower, where in you’re on the face of a clock on a clock tower, fighting angels, as it falls to the earth from a cliff. Granted it’s stylized, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t look good. There is also a part towards the end of the game where, and I’ll avoid spoilers, you control a tube of lipstick, which is simply hilarious, and graphically insane.

But the graphic splendor doesn’t stop at level design; the enemies look exactly the way they should. Well at least if you’re going to go by the old school religious lore. Every single enemy has an “other worldly” feel, that somehow still feels like it’s something you would read bout in a bible. I often thought about what a fight between the old school Christian Heaven and Hell would be like. And, although this may be a little more on the dark side, this is very close to what I would imagine some of the creatures to be. Only problem with the enemy design is that there isn’t enough of it, you’ll see so many copy and paste enemies it’s not even funny. That goes for bosses as well.

But one of the game’s biggest in game attributes is the torture attacks. A simple way of replacing spells, the torture attacks are triggered when you have a full magic bar. Bayonetta will do some kind of random kick ass finisher. Be it spike coffins, a guillotine, a giant chainsaw, or a pair of giant smashing hands. The one that takes the cake however is the torture attack for the “Joy” enemy. I swear, you will face palm and laugh really hard when you see it. If you’re not going to play the game, Youtube it, because it is just that kind of damn stupidly funny.

A one sentence wrap up!:

Other then the poorly designed main characters, it’s absolutely gorgeous.

SOUND:

Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first; the voice acting in this game is absolute crap, with the exclusions of Rodin and the pre-boss boss. Rodin is good because his dialog isn’t crap, and the voice actor is clearly not a first timer. And the pre-boss boss didn’t make me want to rip my ears off, rather it felt like I was being lulled to sleep, which is what the character was suppose to do, so mission accomplished. Bayonetta was crap, and was ether a very bad UK voice actor, or some American chick trying to do a British accent. Luka (he’s not an important character BTW) had some good dialog, but was rarely delivered properly. The kid (so compelling I forgot her name) was THE WORST most absolute eardrum killing thing I’ve heard in a long time. The other witch (another compelling name forgotten) was bland to the point of obscurity. And Enzo is a joke… Seriously… He was only made for comic relief.

The Heaven creatures on the other hand were handled with some amount of respect at least. Granted majority of their lines are them screaming in anguish, but when the bosses talk, it’s actually believable that they are from some other planet, or realm… Or wherever the fuck Heaven is now-a-days.

The music, excluding the thousands of remixes for “Fly Me to the Moon”, is actually very well handled. The music from, or while in, Heaven sounds like it belongs; lots of harps, and menstrual singers, with a nice bass in the background to keep tempo. When you’re out and about, be it in town or where have you, the music is still handled properly, some of the nicest ambient stuff I’ve heard since ODST. And when it comes time for some raving techno to blast your speakers, the game manages to deliver that as well, without sounding overly Japanese, unlike the fight song. And unlike other games where the fight song is catchy, or gradually grows on you (see Persona 4), the remix of “Fly Me to the Moon” just becomes more and more off putting the more you hear it. Which sucks, because I love the original song, it’s got an old school 50’s feel to it. However this game manages to sully that song by having Bayonetta dance on a stripper pole while the original plays during the credits… ugh…

A one sentence wrap up!:

If it’s not the voice acting, or “Fly me to the Moon”, you’ll love it.

FUN FACTOR:

This whole game is based on two things, looking good, and playing good, and for the most part it dose that very well. Of course if you are one to get easily frustrated, you may want to steer clear of this title. Mainly because of the horridly hard boss battles, but also because you may have just paid 60$ for a game you’re most likely only going to play through once or twice. With each playthrough lasting about 15 hours, give or take time spent trying to beat bosses.

All that aside, you will have fun playing through this as a rental, if not an eventual purchase somewhere way down the line when the price drops. But of course you have to realize that if you’re not a fan of hack and slash, this WILL NOT be a fun game for you. This is all about the hacking, slashing, death, killing, murdering of holy stuff, with no regard for story or coherence. So you do need to shut of the right side of your brain, and let the left side marvel in the graphic splendor.

A one sentence wrap up!:

Just turn off your brain, and let your ears and eyes enjoy the show.

SCORES:

Story: 2
Control: 9
AI: 6
Graphics: 9
Sound: 8
Fun Factor: 8

TOTAL: 7

A one sentence review:

With frustrating bosses, and no story to speak of, the gameplay and look make up the games entirety.

Buy? Rent? Borrow? Pass?

Do you looooove DMC? If yes, buy this game, if not, rent it.