Bombcast Toilet Talk

I've grown up in house with a high tech toilet. It has been initially installed for the benefit of my grandpa, whom has lost a foot to diabetes, to make his life easier.

My childhood toilet was a combination between toilet and bidet and blow drier. The seat was heated too. There were weight-sensors on the rim, and it would activate the bidet functionality while flushing, when it detected somebody sitting on it. The toilet then extended a horizontal metal hose, that proceeded to squirt a strong and steady jet of warm water up my butthole. Kind of a low rent enema. Made my butt feel real clean. After, a hot air blower dried my nether regions gently.

Needless to say, pretty much every toilet since has been beneath me. After moving out, it took years to become comfortable with regular toilets. Still hate the nasty business of wiping a lot. Fucking wet wipes just don't compare. Public toilets without wet wipes? A nightmare.

Taking a shit was one of my most favorite things in life back then. Now, it's a hassle and annoyance. That's how good a high tech toilet is. If you can afford to spoil yourself with a killer high tech toilet, you are a horrible person if you don't do so. Not saying Ryan shouldn't marry his girl, but I'm also not saying he shouldn't rather marry a high tech toilet instead.

Life is too short, and taking shits too inevitable for it to be a hassle and annoyance. Spruce up your life, and turn taking a shit into an outright sexually pleasing experience. Like getting your butt licked-out clean by mermaids, and dried off by angles blowing fairy dust up your keister. High tech toilets - because good people deserve better.

Are any of you guys high tech toilet snobs like me? Or are you stalwart defenders of the old faithful chamberpot and other low-fi poop receptacle solutions?

P.S. Here and here are two little clips to help spur your imaginations...

Wet wipes? What's wrong with regular ass toilet paper?

Well, think of it this way. You clean the gunk off your body in a shower with water. Why wouldn't you clean the gunk out of your ass with water?

Seriously? I guess the divergence between my definition of clean butthole and your definition of clean butthole is irreconcilable. You just can't scrub all the taint off with just dry toilet paper. I go dry scrub. Wet wipe. Safety scrub. And that's already way inferior to giving yourself the bidet treatment.

Not using wet wipes is a thing? Good god man, who taught you how to live?

Fuck, why did I start reading this thread while eating?

I'm going to Japan in October and I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited to try out their future toilets (obviously not the traditional squat toilets.)

Haha, I like this thread.

I've never used a high-tech toilet in my life, but it sure sounds like the best thing in the world, and I sure hope it will become a staple in every household where I live in the near future.

I'll stick with the little tub of wet wipes. No way I can sleep at night knowing I spent that much money on the thing that I sit on to make grumpies.

Multi-spigot showers on the other hand, are worth at least ten times what they cost.

Wet wipes? What's wrong with you?

Only people who don't love wet wipes have never done it.

I would like a bidet, but people just look at me weird because only "Europeans use those things." Which, what?

I use Wet Ones at home because I like it clean. As someone who strictly used regular toilet paper for years, there is no comparison. You can get most of it, sure, but for the rest you're kind of just smearing back and forth.

People are weird. While having a conversation with a group of people once, I found out an inordinate amount of them stood up to wipe, instead of leaning forward on the seat. What is that about?

@wjb said:

By an inordinate amount you mean more than none, right?

Specifically speaking, out of the six people including me, four said they stood up. Some of them I knew for years, or thought I knew.

Here's two clips from the "O.T. The Outside Toilet" episode of Bob's Burgers - an instant classic I might add. To help spur your imagination in regards to how much better life will be with your new high tech toilet friend.

P.S. the talking toilet is apparently Jon Hamm. Sit on that!

Neither half of people knows the other half exists.

@seppli: Yeah, dry wipers are gross.

This is literally the first time I've ever heard of people using wet wipes as toilet paper. This one time in Paris I was forced to use a public bathroom with no toilet paper, and had to resort to some wet wipes from my bag. It felt wrong.

For years paper was never enough and the moment I began using wet wipes, it was amazing the difference. Seriously, that shit is just straight up superior, at least on my rather be-haired butt region. I can understand if you have a literally perfect bowel movement situation and no hair whatsoever on your but for everyone else I can only imagine improvement when using wet wipes.

Wet wipes are a necessity most of the time for me, and the flushable wet wipes you see at stores are increasingly purchased for the purpose. While it may not have hit some, it's not a shrinking phenomenon by any means.

I'm with you on the wet wipes, but because initially the wet wipes were under the sink, I inevitably had to get up after my paper round to wipe and so got used to standing up if I needed to wipe. Granted, I don't do that ordinarily but if I have to I'm comfortable with it but only with wet wipes though.

Speaking on that second point, it's fascinating to hear people's behavior on the toilet precisely because it's usually kept quiet and so people have these life-long habits they've just had to mostly come up with in a vacuum. I was personally fascinated to hear the differences in how my friends would use their bodies to reach underneath themselves. Some would only lean forward and approach from the back. I lift my right leg usually to give myself access and others as you said get off the toilet and wipe that way.

Try it in the safety of your home. The wet wipe isn't the only thing you're supposed to wipe with. Regular toiletpaper does the heavy lifting upfront, as well as the dry-up/quality control on the tail end of the business. Wet wipes are for the proper clean-up inbetween. It's the secret weapon of cleanliness.

Of course the deep cleanse of the bidet is superior, but wet wipes are at least clean enough on the surface level.

Simple dry toiletpaper alone, in my experience, does a shoddy job at best. I wouldn't let my worst enemy french my butthole if I'd only wipe with regular toiletpaper. That'd be like eating out a kitty litter box. That's how clean I want my butthole to be. Clean enough to be eaten out.

What the fuck, some people wipe their ass sitting down?

I'm pretty sure that you can't flush down wet wipes where I live without clogging up the pipes. Also I take a shower once or twice a day and that usually keeps things nice and clean. I don't think that I'm kinky enough to need my ass "clean enough to be eaten out".

@bacongames: Not to stray further from the original topic -- so apologies to OP -- but I always felt it was too much effort to stand up to wipe. Like, I equate that to pulling your pants down to your ankles as you pee in a urinal. I thought about it after that one conversation, and it would just be weird if I stood up. Do people hold on to their pants as they do it, or do they let them drop? If I was wearing a dress shirt, I would have to lift the tail up so I accidentally would not get shit on it. Maybe I'm paranoid; I do use Wet Ones, so...

I think one of the reasons people stood up was because they didn't want their hand near the toilet. Fair enough, I guess, but my hand is nowhere near the doo-doo when I lean forward and wipe.

This is news to me as well. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE READ THIS THREAD BUT I READ ALL OF IT AGH

I just go in the shower.

You dump in the shower? You sicko.

I don't dump. I haven't dumped since '54.

I have a little wastebin in my bathroom, where the wet wipes go. There are flushable wet wipes as well. You just need to pay attention and buy the right kind. Also - don't knock it, before you try it - regardless if we're talking wet wipes or otherwise.

If you want to add some easy and relatively inexpensive luxury to your toilet, install a "slow-close" lid.