Playing My First Final Fantasy Game - Parts 38-55: HELP! This Game is Melting My Brain!

Part 38: Let’s Talk About the Hero’s Journey and Laugh at My Predictions about Final Fantasy VIII’s Story

The image above is one visualization of the narrative pattern known as the “Hero’s Journey.” Widely known for its rising and falling actions, and iconic plot points the Hero’s Journey is the definite pattern for stories set in the fantasy and science fiction genres, genres that Final Fantasy VIII has attempted to tap into. Now why am I spending so much time discussing a narrative pattern that most of you blew off during your high school freshman English class? Well dear listener, that is because the Hero’s Journey is one of the most common manners of telling a narrative period. Additionally, based entirely on the Hero’s Journey, I am going to make a handful of hopefully humorous predictions as to what I expect to see in Final Fantasy VIII after completing Disc 1. Now I would like to preface that I wrote this prior to playing any of Final Fantasy VIII after my previous blog. So be prepared for predictions that may range from being horribly erroneous, or hilarious on point. Therefore, here are my Disc 2, 3, and 4 predictions:

Disc Two

• The Road of Trials: Disc Two starts out in a prison to establish that the party is at its lowest point thus far. They have completely failed at their first attempt to bring a conclusion to the story, and now need to break out of prison whilst developing a new plan.
• Approach to the Innermost Cave: After breaking out of the prison, the party is confronted immediately with a new ordeal that poses a great risk to their lives or the lives of their friends. The task appears to be impossible to do together and as such, the party breaks up into teams.
• Meeting with the God/Goddess: A heroic alternative to Edea reveals itself and possess unknown abilities or powers that are assumed to surpass the heroes’ abilities. While still a mystery to the heroes, the god or goddess acts as a representative of an unknown world, and serves as a reminder that Squall and company are not alone in their journey. Instead, there are others just like it that are observing as the heroes progress in their journey.
• Reversal: Seifer or Edea attempt to recruit Squall to join their side, asking him to cast away all of his friends and party members in order to gain control of unbelievable power.
• Meeting the Shadow Self: Squall and all of the SeeDs of his party confront their past, and the shocking truth behind the Garden is revealed. This causes the party members to come to terms with their past as well as accept their “new” identities that they have begun forming whilst on their journey. This allows for the metaphorical death of Squall’s childhood, and the birth of his adulthood.

Disc Three

• Planning of the Elixir Theft: In order to defeat Edea, or whatever the ultimate big bad is, the party discovers a device that will make the defeat of Edea possible, or at the very least expedite the process. In Greek tradition this was an elixir, in Judeo-Christian tradition it is a sword, and in modern tradition it is an evil device that needs to be destroyed rather than captured. The God or Goddess from before usually is the one to reveal the existence of this device to the heroes.
• Seizing of the Sword: The heroes defeat an important assistant or lackey of the villain in order to acquire the elixir or sword of power. My guess here is Seifer or his two friends. The possession goes into the immediate ownership of the party leader, in this case Squall, and he is the one given the responsibility of using it at the correct moment to defeat the big bad.
• The Road Back: The party must revisit previous locations that have been under the control of the big bad for months or even years, as per their rise to power. During their journey to the big bad the party are caught or identified by someone, thus forcing them to confront insurmountable odds in order to escape.
• Black Moment: Someone in the party dies during The Road Back. This sets in motion the final act of the story. The leader of the party feels guilty for their death and takes it upon them to confront the villain by themselves, thus preventing any further deaths.

Disc Four

• Showdown: The party leader confronts the villain alone and is immediately or quickly dispatched. In some traditions, the hero is even killed, thus sending their party into complete disarray.
• Resurrection: In Greek tradition this is where a Deus Ex Machina may occur. Other times the elixir is revealed to be a device that can resurrect the hero. The hero returns with the support of their party, and now have the ability to successfully defeat the villain once and for all.
• Master of Two Worlds: The heroes defeat the villain by mastering both the unknown and the known world. Then, all surviving members of the hero’s party are depicted as attempting to rebuild their previous lives from the rubble that the villain created.

Don’t actually tell me how I did.

Part 39: Laguna Continues to be a Good Character

Once again, the writers of Final Fantasy VIII successfully manage to give Laguna a character arc in around fifteen to twenty minutes; a feat that they continue to bungle with Squall despite having hours at their disposal. Laguna manages to continue his façade that everything is okay with him mentally and physically by maintaining previously established character tropes. However, other characters and the player recognize that this is an act, and that deep down inside Laguna has scars and trauma from his previous experience as a soldier. It is clearly established in the game that Laguna was left broken and more heavily injured than his other party members. The experience not only injured his body, but also his mental health and spirit thus forcing him to give up on his previous life and love interest.

The reason why I emphasize Laguna’s trauma is so is that we can compare it to Squall’s angst. The manner how Laguna is written is how Squall’s character should be written. You, the player, understand the origin for Laguna’s trepidation in terms of forming long-term relationships, and following his dreams. With Squall you are left wondering why his party is still with him or consider him a friend due to the fact that Squall remains an unrequited ally. If it weren’t for the purposes of the story NO ONE WOULD STILL BE WITH SQUALL REALISTICALLY! If you doubt that fact ask yourself if you would want to be stuck in an elevator with Squall for more than thirty minutes.

Now on a more comical note I will point out a funny gameplay discovery that I exploited during this sequence. When asked to patrol the village, and defeat monsters by Raine, I immediately had Laguna Junction Diablos with Encounter-None. This meant that I was able to blow through the entire sequence without having to fight a single monster. I couldn’t help but feel a slight twinge of guilt when Laguna reported to Raine that he had encountered 0 monsters whilst on his patrol. I say slight because it cut the length of the mission by a good 60%.

Part 40: Enjoying Police Brutality and Squall is Jesus…I Guess?

Am I bad person if I started laughing when Zell got beat up by the prison guard? For me I think laughing is a healthy exercise as Final Fantasy VIII has been slowly killing off my nerve endings thus making it impossible for me to feel anything. Oh, and I wasn’t joking about the whole Squall is depicted like Jesus thing either. While he is being tortured by Seifer, this is how Squall is depicted:

Anyways Squall is being crucified by Seifer who wants to know the secrets of SeeD. Look Seifer…I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK SeeD is all about let alone Squall. In hindsight, this whole scene makes very little sense especially when it is revealed that Edea was or is the wife of Cid. Somehow these SeeDs are going to know secrets about the organization that Edea does not already know …how? Despite the narrative purpose of the scene being cloudy, it does provide yet another opportunity to establish that Seifer has fallen to “the dark side.” Though if Seifer really wants to impress the sorceress why not bring Squall as a living prisoner to her personally? On the other hand, how about this, if you know that Squall is such a threat to the sorceress why not just KILL HIM WHILE HE IS CHAINED UP ON A CRUCIFIX?

Part 41: Welcome to the Prison of Boredom

How this game decides to break Squall and company out of prison is nothing short of absurd. So let’s go through the first set of steps for Zell, Quistis, and Selphie together because I think I need an adult:

Step #1: Have Quistis and Selphie pretend to be dead, because somehow this became a Looney Tunes skit.

Step #2: Have Zell sneak up and knock the prison guard unconscious, and hope that the guard DID NOT lock the door behind him when entering the prison cell.

Step #3: DON’T have Zell take the knocked out prison guard’s uniform allowing Zell to explore and pilfer the prison without fear of being caught. But DO have him partner up with a random Moomba.

Step #4: Have Zell get everyone’s weapons, which just happen to be lying in a pile right next to their cell guarded by two normal ass bozos.

Step #5: Fight Biggs and Wedge, and after beating them, act surprised when the prison alarm goes off.

Step #6: Junction Diablos and have Encounter-None as a passive ability so is that you don’t have to deal with any random encounters. OH THANK GOD THIS EXISTS!

Did all of that make sense? No? Well too bad because now there are Moombas! Wait what’s a Moomba, and why do the Moombas keep calling Squall “Laguna?” Is this game ever going to make sense again?

Part 42: Can We Talk About How the Manual Spoils a Major Plot Point?

Oh, do you think I am lying about this? Well surprise; I am not! So a little backstory behind this discovery; I called thatpinguino on Skype and asked him what a Moomba was. He then tells me to look that information up in the in-game manual. I should also mention that he was cackling whilst doing so. Now for those curious, this is what the offending spoiler is:

Now it took me a minute to understand the importance of that last line, but when I finally was able to connect the dots, it blew my fucking mind. It is also batshit insane that this piece of information is in the manual in the first place. Was this a mistake? Am I NOT supposed to know that Squall is the son of Laguna this early in the game? Why oh, why is this here? However, it gets even better! Further consulting the manual reveals that all of the monsters that I have been fighting in this game COME FROM THE MOON! I’M NOT LYING LOOK AT THIS:

Part 43: EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS PRISON SEQUENCE IS PAINFUL!

Everything about this prison sequence sucks! Part of the reason why this mission is here is to acclimatize you to the concept of splitting up your party into groups, which will be revisited later. The problem with this is that the switches between the two parties feel arbitrary, and occur too often. You end up going down a few levels with Squall and then immediately take control of Irvine who goes up a few levels and vice versa.

Oh speaking of Irvine the greatest scene in the game happened during his re-introduction at the prison. Whilst trying to strut down the stairs all fancy-like Rinoa runs up behind him and kicks him, knocking him down a flight of stairs causing him to land on his face. It was nothing short of amazing.

Now this great scene is followed up with even more going up and down stairs in order to pull leavers and press buttons…riveting. When you have gotten your fill of pressing buttons and dispatching prison guards you are treated to an FMV reveal of the prison, which led to me to my second least favorite moment in the game thus far. During this FMV sequence, the walkway retracts resulting in the floor disappearing, thus leaving Squall hanging onto the side rails. Thinking that this was a cutscene I responded by doing nothing. In reality, the game wanted me to take control of Squall, and as I did not realize this in time I died and had to restart from my last save. Now in the cutscene leading up to this sequence Squall actually runs to the left, and thinking that was my hint I had Squall shimmy to the left of the collapsed walkway. That was incorrect, and I died again.

Now on multiple occasions I have discussed why I think Final Fantasy VIII is a poor communicator of its objectives, and this is yet another example of this. I should also mention that the transitions between the FMV scenes and the actual game are awkward to say the least. The consequence of these awkward transitions is that there’s usually a five to ten second delay on my part in terms of understanding when I have regained control of the game. It is just that this time the game finally decided to place a consequence to that five to ten second delay. A very frustrating consequence at that.

Part 44: Wait Why is Selphie the Leader of the Missile Base Team? Who Thought that Was a Good Idea?

As Squall and company begin to drive away from the prison, they stop to re-group. This allows for the game to conveniently introduce the next major plot point: the Galbadian Army is shooting missiles towards all of the Gardens. This forces Squall, who everyone has now accepted to be the leader…because reasons…to split the company into two groups: one tasked with attacking the missile base, and the other to warn the Balamb Garden of impending missiles heading their direction. Wait one moment, why do we need to send an entire team to Balamb? Why can’t we just send all of the Gardens a message? Do you mean to tell me that there is no form of mass communication in the world of Final Fantasy VIII? Do you mean to tell me that they don’t even have the internet or cellphones in Final Fantasy VIII? HOW ABOUT CARRIER PIGEONS!?

The big problem that I have with this scene is when the game decides to automatically place Selphie of all people in charge of the team responsible with infiltrating the missile silo. WAIT WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?! How is Selphie qualified to direct and command a team? If you have any answers, please send them to:theanswerisnoandidontgiveashit@comcast.net! Now I could have been convinced that this was a good idea if Selphie had taken charge and been responsible when time came to order her team around, but instead she behaves like a complete psychopath!

On multiple occasions, she indicates that she wishes to blow up the base “to smithereens.” That’s uh, not someone you trust around explosive devices like missiles. Why does the game continue to ignore the fact that Quistis used to be a SeeD instructor and a high-ranking student before that? I mean Jesus I would have trusted Zell or Irvine before FUCKING SELPHIE!

Part 45: The Missile Base Mission Melted My Brain

I think I have come to terms with the fact that the Galbadian Army is secretly run by Cobra Commander, especially if no one was able to figure out that Selphie, Irvine, and Quistis WEREN’T actually soldiers. Anyways, Selphie and company just drive up to the missile base without any form of identification, other than the stolen uniforms they are wearing, and are allowed to enter the base. The writing for this mission is some of the worst “plot by convenience” I think I have seen in quite a while. In some places it is just downright lazy. For example, when confronted by a door that asks for a key card, Irvine just happened to have one that worked with that particular door from the car that they drove. I cannot even begin to break down how the logic to that makes zero sense whatsoever.

The next few scenes involve you selecting the dialogue prompt that does not blow your cover with zero hints or indicators as to which are the correct responses. The correct prompts are either needlessly obtuse, or right there in your face. You either pick the right one, and are able maintain your cover; or you pick the wrong one, and have to brute force yourself to the final terminal. Now what I find especially insulting is how Selphie solves one of her roadblocks by just RANDOMLY HITTING BUTTONS ON A COMPUTER TERMINAL AND HOPING FOR THE BEST! The reason why I find this insulting is THAT IT FUCKING WORKS! Look I am not even joking about this:

This is exactly why Selphie should NOT have been put in charge of this team. Finally, when you gain access to the terminal that controls the missiles you discover that their launch cannot be diverted, nor stopped. Instead, you are forced to increase their “error ratio,” because missiles totally have that as a programmable function. Wait, why can’t we steal higher security clearance from a general or someone like that to completely divert the missiles to somewhere where they cannot kill anyone? Why isn’t THAT an option?

Part 46: I Don’t Get it, Did We Fail? Then what was the Point of This Mission?

You end up fighting the commandant of the missile base, and rather than see if he has higher security clearance to stop the missile launches entirely Selphie decides to just engage the self-destruct switch of the entire base. I can’t even…what? Is this a comic book? Is this base secretly run by Doctor Doom or Lex Luthor? Why would a missile base have a self-destruct button? That sounds like a worst idea ever! Speaking of how improbable all of this is does the Galbadian Army really only have ONE missile base?

Now this culminates in a battle with a gigantic robotic tank. This tank was a real asshole to say the least. After you chip away enough of its health the tank suddenly has the ability to one-shot you with a beam cannon. Now I hate it when Final Fantasy VIII decides to do this. I mean if you are going to have a tough boss with an instant death attack why dilly-dally about it? What is the motivation of the soldiers piloting the tank from holding back on such an attack? Wouldn’t they want to use that weapon right off the bat in order to kill off Selphie’s party quickly?

This is also where I should admit to not having the greatest grasp on how to make the most out of the magic system in Final Fantasy VIII. Mechanical monsters like this tank are weak to electricity, but because I have made a complete mess of the magic menu I avoided using electricity magic entirely. I have drawn six of one spell, eight of another, and as a result, my magic menu is just completely cluttered with a bunch of bullshit that I will never use. So rather than learn how to fix that problem I just had Irvine shoot at the tank with his gun, and used my summons until it was dead. Luckily such brute force tactics still work and I was able to beat the dreaded tank boss.

Part 47: DEAD (or I Wonder How Final Fantasy VIII Writes Itself Out of This)

So Selphie, Quistis, and Irvine are dead. Well at least for now. I am not excited to see how the writers dig themselves out of this one. I mean just look at the blast radius of this explosion. It will probably be something incredibly stupid, but for now I’ll take solace in not having to deal with Irvine and Selphie for some time now.

Part 48: There’s a Civil War in the Garden…Being Waged by Whom? For What Reasons?

We now transition to Squall, Zell, and Rinoa entering the gates of the Balamb Garden to discover complete chaos! A civil war has essentially erupted between Headmaster Cid, and someone named NORG! The reason for the conflict is because…I have no idea. Final Fantasy VIII continues to defy all narrative patterns when attempting to introduce new plot points. Take this scene for example, we have a civil war between two forces, and one side is led by someone we have never seen before. Clearly, the game wants me to side with Headmaster Cid, but why has this conflict erupted in the first place, and who in the world is NORG? Furthermore, why doesn’t Squall just shout at everyone that there are a bunch of missiles heading their way, and that everyone needs to get their shit together? These are missiles! They aren’t fucking helium balloons.

From here, the mysteriously hooded people at the Garden have decided that is murdering time. Anyone who wants to help Headmaster Cid instead of NORG are immediately condemned to death. Let us all just stop and think about how ridiculous this is. These hooded “guardians” are trying to take over this Garden, and they plan to gain support by KILLING ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH THEM. Why are there students that have sided with them in the first place? Moreover, these hooded figures never stop to try and inform me why I should side with NORG, or why this conflict has started in the first place. It is just time for me to die apparently. Luckily, everything they summon to attack me is a pushover with one exception.

That one exception is worth talking about separately. When you enter the training ground the hooded figure there decides to get serious about murder a bunch of kids, and summons a fucking T-Rex to get the job done. For those of you that may recall from episode two of this blog series, I failed horribly at my last attempt at killing the T-Rex in Final Fantasy VIII, so I immediately jumped to the scene for a rematch! In large part thanks to Operation: Break This Game I killed that sucker like a boss!

Part 49: Did Hideo Kojima Guest Direct this Scene because There Sure are a lot of Ladders.

After a bunch of faffing about on the first floor you finally catch up to Headmaster Cid who reveals that there’s a secret level to the Garden that not even he has explored. Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Let me get this straight, you built the Garden on a former bomb shelter or whatever. Why would you not double-check to make sure there weren’t any horrible monsters in the basement? You do understand that most of your residents are children, correct? It is also at this moment that the game decides that NOW is the time to start showing cracks in Squall’s introverted façade as he is presented with the prospect of the Garden being completely destroyed. These are feelings that the game has never built up whatsoever, and in fact this scene contradicts previous ones where Squall shows very little care about the state of the Garden. Ah, shotgun storytelling. Why commit to a single character arc when you can have all of them and hope that at least one of them hits the mark?

What follows this is yet another dreadful sewer sequence, but this time I don’t have to worry about random encounters thanks to my Diablos Junction. However, the lack of random encounters means that I get to enjoy a SHIT TON OF LADDER SEQUENCES IN ALL OF THEIR GLORY! On SIX MOTHERFUCKING occasions, I had to climb down ladders, or solve puzzles in order to reveal a ladder. You don’t believe me? Well all right, here we go:

Ladder Number	Visual Proof
Ladder #1 – You encounter this one right off the bat when the elevator breaks down and you have to open a secret compartment that reveals a ladder.
Ladder #2 – After climbing down the first ladder your party gets stuck in a corridor next to some oil drums. Luckily there is another secret trapdoor that was hiding a ladder.
Ladder #3 – The party is stuck in a room with a giant valve. You walk up to the valve, and it isn’t until AFTER you fail to turn the valve by yourself that the rest of your party come up with the bright idea of helping you out. Oh yeah turning the valve opens a door to a platform with a ladder.
Ladder #4 – Squall and company once again come up to a dead end, but luckily there’s a ladder right next to you! This ladder looks a bit rickety so only one person can go up it, and I had Squall volunteer to go up it. The ladder collapses, and Squall falls through a glass window without so much as a scratch on him. Luckily, there’s a console inside the building he fell into that opens a wall by Rinoa and Zell that blocked A FUCKING LADDER!
Ladder #5 – This is the ladder that you unlocked when Squall messed around with the terminal from above. Damn, they sure were lucky that wasn’t the self-destruct terminal. Anyways you go down this ladder to encounter a save point, and a boss fight.
Ladder #6 – YEAH, I beat the oil squid monsters! I still have no idea how there can be a functioning ecosystem way down in this building, but whatever! Oh did I mention that when you beat the oil squid monsters that you walk into a hanger in order TO GO DOWN ANOTHER FUCKING LADDER!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!	HELP ME!!

Part 50: So the Secret of the Balamb Garden is that it Can Fly? What is Happening?

Once again, teenagers randomly pushing buttons saves the day! Can we also discuss how these are the slowest missiles ever made? Your average Tomahawk missile travels 500 miles per hour, but these travel at the convenient pace of a drunken African Swallow. Except these missiles are alive, I think? There’s a FMV cutscene where the missiles appear to have reptilian eyes peering for their target. Or maybe not, I don’t know anymore because the game appears to have stopped giving a shit when it comes to explaining itself in a coherent manner.

Now as majestic as the reveal that the Garden can fly may be, there were two questions burning in the back of my mind. Question one: what happened to the Garden civil war? Question two: how is the propulsion from the Garden not destroying everything below it? To my first question everyone just forgets that there was this massive and chaotic civil war between Cid and NORG. In fact, Cid gives Squall permission to go to bed despite the fact that there is someone on the Garden THAT WANTS TO FUCKING KILL THEM!

To my second point, how is this floating monstrosity not destroying everything within a 100-meter radius of it? I am guessing that all of the oil drums that I previously encountered provided the garden with the necessary fuel for it to propel itself. So that means that there must be an exhaust that is horribly scorching the ground below it, right? How is any of this happening right now? MY BRAIN IS IMPLODING IN ON ITSELF!Please send help….

Part 51: I Fight a Fat Ass Alien Monster…Because

Then there was a boss fight with a big fat alien monster, and I don’t understand why. So the alien is the financer of the Garden. Or was he just the financer of the Balamb Garden? Does every Garden have a big fat alien monster in its basement? Why is the big fat alien monster at Balamb? If the big fat alien monster is a businessperson, shouldn’t he be at a company headquarters examining Excel Spreadsheets? If I kill this big fat alien monster does that mean that I am destroying SeeD? The big fat alien monster is apparently a Shumi…what does that mean? Why does no one give a shit when NORG dies? Anyways I killed the big fat alien monster and took the Leviathan GF from him. Because I still have a sense of humor, I named Leviathan “Hobbes.”

After re-naming my recently acquired GF I walked in on Cid having a mental breakdown in the nurse’s office, and after he recovers from that he offers to answer some of the burning questions that I have about the story. The only problem is that NONE OF THEM ARE SATISFYING! Considering that he is a headmaster, and in theory a teacher, I decided to grade his answers as if this were a homework assignment.

Answer #1: Edea is/was Cid’s wife – Alright I’ll give you credit for that, but what caused her to become evil? Why did someone that co-founded a school all of the sudden become evil?

Answer #1: (HALF CREDIT)

Answer #2: NORG is a Shumi millionaire that funded the construction of the Gardens but only if the children that populated the Gardens would fight as mercenaries thus providing him a return on his investment…SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Answer #2: (ZERO CREDIT)

Answer #3: The real meaning of SeeD is to train new SeeD members to defeat “the sorceress.” Which sorceress are you talking about? The construction of the Garden pre-dates Edea going evil so who are you talking about? Did you know that Edea would go evil? Did you secretly read the script?

Answer #3: (MINUS ONE POINT)

Answer #4: The plan right now is to stop drifting…but you just said that we need to kill a sorceress? Okay fine, why don’t you try hitting another random array of buttons and hoping for the best again?

Answer #4: (ZERO POINTS)

My final grade for this scene: -.5 out of four OR F-

Part 52: Alone with Ellone

The little girl, Ellone, from the Laguna dream sequences is alive, and has been living in the Balamb Garden all along! How did NO ONE from Squall’s party know about there being someone named Ellone in the Garden? Does she have some sort of mind control powers? Is she causing everyone to go into the dream world? Why does an entourage come to pick her up? Why am I asking these questions?

Disregarding all of these lingering questions for now Ellone appears to provide us with our Deus Ex Machina. She has some sort of otherworldly powers that we don’t yet understand. Based off her hints to Squall something related to time manipulation may be in store for us in the future. Can I just mention that the ship that takes her away doesn’t make any sense? This is not how you build a ship, there’s no main mast! That’s not how sailing works!

Part 53: Attack of the Hippies

Our new location is Fisherman’s Horizon! It’s a town populated by hippies with a taste for steampunk…oh GOD! This town is filled with my two worst nightmares. Anyways the Garden crashes into the town and the mayor wants you to fucking leave. I can’t blame him there, but then the Galbadian Army arrives to capture Ellone. Wait, if the Galbadian Army wanted to capture Ellone then why did they send missiles to destroy the Balamb Garden? Wouldn’t that have killed her?

Anyways the mayor of Fisherman’s Horizon decides to try and use diplomacy to ask that the Galbadian Army leave, but of course that doesn’t work, and instead the army prepares to torch the entire town. Let him die, let them all die! I want to see if I can still feel again! But noooooooooo, you can’t let the mayor die! Instead it is time to fight the giant tank…again. UGH!

Part 54: This is the Worst Plot Twist I Have Ever Seen

After you quickly dispatch the armored tank the single stupidest scene in the game occurs. It is revealed that the pilots of the tank were actually the party from the missile base. Which for me were Selphie, Quistis, and Irvine. This is beyond stupid. I cannot believe that this was allowed to be written into the story. I just can’t….

So first off they survived a massive explosion that looked like it could have leveled an entire city in a rinky-dink tank that they destroyed before the base exploded? That is almost as bad as trying to say that Indiana Jones could survive a nuclear explosion by jumping into a refrigerator. Now beyond surviving the explosion…did no one in the Galbadian Army check to see who was piloting that tank? Did a general not check to see where the tank came from? Did Selphie, Quistis, and Irvine never exit the tank to eat or take a shit? Additionally, WHY THE FUCK WERE THEY SHOOTING AT ME WHEN THE TANK WAS ORDERED TO ATTACK ME? Why didn’t they just hop out of the tank the moment they saw Squall, and give the Galbadian Army the middle finger?

THIS IS THE WORST SCENE IN THE GAME THUS FAR!

Part 54: Did Someone Forget to Remind the Characters that there is a World Ending Sorceress?

Why does every major plot point in Final Fantasy VIII just stop at this point of the game? Why did everyone just stop preparing for his or her inevitable confrontation with Edea? I get that the Garden is busted and needs to be repaired, but why isn’t everyone training or gathering resources for that fight? Why are we not talking with the citizens of Fisherman’s Horizon and warning them of this potentially world ending event? Why isn’t Cid sending more students to the depths of the Garden to explore how it works so is that they stop crashing it into random buildings? Why is no one afraid that the sorceress won’t just come out of nowhere and attack the Garden while it is being repaired, which would be an opportune time to attack it?

Speaking of the sorceress why isn’t she sending more forces to Fisherman’s Horizon to capture or destroy this Garden? Don’t tell me that no one saw this giant lumbering building crash into Fisherman’s Horizon. Do you remember when the mayor of Fisherman’s Horizon confronted a soldier from the Galbadian Army, and the soldier informed the mayor that the army received orders to torch the entire town? What happened to those orders? Did they just give up after three kids blew up their tank? Didn’t they call for reinforcements?

I mean seriously, why does the story just STOP in its tracks? Did everyone just read the script and collectively decide that now was a good time to take a breather, because that’s what I think! You have Squall have a baffling conversation with Cid about destiny and how he needs to protect his party members. Even more mind numbing is when Irvine and Selphie are working on rebuilding a concert platform. Why aren’t they building a weapon to kill the sorceress with? I just don’t know anymore. I thought that we had to kill an evil sorceress that was planning the destruction of the world as we knew it, but I guess it is time for wacky hijinks. LIKE MAKING A SONG TO PERFORM DURING A CONCERT! I wish I was making this up:

Part 55: Rinoa and Squall Go on a Date … WAIT WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!

It is at this point that Final Fantasy VIII completely melted my brain. I want every single one of you to know that when I realized what was happening my jaw just dropped to the ground and I started laughing hysterically. I just could not wrap my mind around the idea that this was actually happening. This was real, and not a dream.

There’s a laser light show, Zell is dancing, and everyone is watching Squall go on a date with Rinoa! I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!

Alright, look you motherfuckers, this game is sincere as FUCK! The story only works about forty percent of the time, and sixty percent of the time it just falls flat on its face. Someone wrote this scene, and I know it’s hard to believe that fact, but it is true! The men and women who worked to add this scene into this game had honest and sincere intentions. For various reason this scene doesn’t work at all, but someone put this in with a straight face, and I suspect that they had good intentions.

Now why doesn’t this scene “work?” Well firstly, what has Squall done to warrant the sincerity and kindness of his compatriots? The answer is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Squall has continued to be introverted, standoffish, and downright hostile when confronted by the kindness and vulnerabilities of his party members. As much as I may sympathize with Squall it does not make any sense for anyone to feel anything but disdain for him! He is, and always has been, a MASSIVE asshole to everyone around him! What cracks to his façade there may have been were all exclusively told during internal monologues, thus meaning that the party members are not aware of Squall’s true feelings about them. Even then, those internal monologues applied to Squall and NOT towards any particular individuals that he had strong feelings for or towards.

Then when Rinoa tells Squall that she and everyone else love him…I just could not stop laughing hysterically. I think the game officially broke my brain at that point. Rinoa has been playfully flirting with Squall in multiple scenes before this, but for every single one of those scenes he continues to just brush her aside as if she is a nuisance, and NOT as a love interest. How is that attractive…to anyone?

Then Rinoa and Squall head to a balcony, and that is when the game broke me.

HELP ME MY BRAIN IS IMPLODING IN ON ITSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT SHIT MAN…THIS GAME HAS HEART!

It gets dumber.

Keep going.

i don't mean to jump the gun and post before reading your blog, friend (which i will go back and do because these have been a+ quality), but here is the best advice for you regarding this video game, final fantasy viii; stop playing it it's so bad jesus christ it's bad

i was like nine or ten when i played it and i loved anything resembling emotional depth in a video game because it seemed so unique and novel, but even then it was like.......... square wyd

Seems like that @thatpinguino should probably pay a shrink to visit you.

However, the lack of random encounters means that I get to enjoy a SHIT TON OF LADDER SEQUENCES IN ALL OF THEIR GLORY! On SIX MOTHERFUCKING occasions, I had to climb down ladders, or solve puzzles in order to reveal a ladder.

At least MGS3 only had The Ladder, but 6? Woah, I guess I blocked that part out of my memory. At least you got the Enc-None trick down to make things less annoying.

Also, the whole NORG thing seems to have been just shoved in to say "oh hey by the way that evil lady you were hunting was Cid's beau." After this they never mention him ever again to my recollection.

I'll warn you now, if you thought Selphie's survival was terrible, you should have a bottle of brandy at hand when your squad decides to flashback an orphanage.

I have no idea why Nomura and his team of writers think the Squall archetype is a good character. You can see some of Squall in Lightning, and they Squalled Cloud from FF7 in the Advent Children movie. Maybe it's just me but, EMO, ASSHOLE CHARACTERS ARE UNLIKEABLE! WHO LIKES THESE TYPE OF PERSONALITIES!?

@magris: To be fair I think Square realized the same after VIII. I remember reading an interview with Sakaguchi before IX came out saying Zidane was purposely not a jerk like Cloud or Squall. Same can be said for Tidus.

@zombiepie I'll just say it's hilarious the level of thought you are putting into the plot of this game. By the end of the game you will be either a madman or a master of zen-like unattachment.

Normally games will have one or two weird moments or start off really weird and normalize halfway through. Not Final Fantasy VIII!

THE RIDE NEVER STOPS.

Thinking about the plot and events of this game rationally will destroy you. So naturally, continue to do so.

Also, I want to say it's good that you learned about the Lunar Cry now and I also want to say we might feel robbed later, but honestly, it won't matter.

This game is about to jump off so hard, man. You don't even know.

Regarding your recurrent comments about phones and the Internet, one thing you have to accept about Final Fantasy is that the world building is often very slapdash with regard to these fine details. Most of these aesthetic decisions, I gather, are being made purely according to Rule of Cool, so probably no one devoted any thought to the idea that this world has intercontinental missiles and the Internet but no reliable means of mass communication. Just embrace the anachronisms and technological incongruencies, man.

I'd suggest you embrace the darkness and just roll with how insane this game is, but it's way funnier if you react to this like the madness it is.

Are you being serious about that last sentence?

You don't even know. You are not ready.

Ahhh, and the dumbest bit is about to happen! This entire blog series makes me happy, kudos to you sir.

This series has been highly entertaining so far. Keep up the good work.

Although, I have to admit I'm kinda getting worried about you, man. If the game is imploding your brain now . . .

Well, let's just say that if you were to rate the events of the game on a 1-10 weirdness scale, with 1 being real world normality, and 10 being immediate Cthuluian-induced madness, the place you're at in the game falls at about a 3 on that scale.

The game won't explain half the shit you're asking about. Just give in. GIIIVE INNNN.

Or play a better goddamn Final Fantasy game, like IX or X or something.

@nasar7: Yea, I love both Zidane and Tidus. I actually liked Cloud at times as well, he would throw some wit and sarcasm here and there. That is, until they decided to turn him into Squall for Advent Children and Kingdom Hearts. Oh god, they might Squall Cloud in the remake. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. SAKAGUCHI COME BACK!!!

Kingdom Hearts Squall was actually pretty cool and likeable. They pretty much just swapped Cloud's and Squall's personality for KH.

It only just occurred to me that Rinoa is basically a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Also, this blog series is highlighting pretty much all of the tropes I just can't stand in JRPGs. Especially for how the cast is nearly-always comprised of teenagers, yet they all talk like they're 11 years old. Part of me is mighty curious for you to try out Tales of Symphonia, as it's one of a few JRPGs that I continue to still really enjoy and because you're a much a more potent observer than I. Though on the other hand I don't think I'd want to gamble you tearing it apart piece by piece with your Angry Logic.

And I think that ''let's pretend to be unconscience to escape jail - WHAT'' scene might be a reference to Metal Gear Solid...? Specifically Snake's own capture and one particular method he can use to escape. I mean they were released only a year apart, but the localisation was likely left till to the very end to which they figured they might as well sneak in the ''bitten by a snake'' line.

Man, I can't help but freakin' love FFVIII. It's just so nuts in where all it goes. Much more entertaining than most of the FFs.

"Time is off the essence! GOTTA PRACTICE FOR THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS, BRAH!"

Heh, though to be fair you could levy that dissonance against a significant number of video game stories. Basically any game that has side-missions while also featuring some encroaching world destroying disaster. So... every JRPG ever to say the least.

@believer258: Nope! If I have to suffer through Riven, he has to suffer through FFVIII.

@zombiepie: The game is never going to give you adequate explanations for stuff. Never. I don't know if you noticed, but after Selphie and the gang climb out of the tank one of them starts explaining how they got there. At which point, another character cuts them off and says that they can explain later... only later never comes. There is no later! Its just, "hey stop looking at this huge plot hole. Look at this adorable shit between Squall and Rinoa. How bout a concert! You like porno mags right! Irvine's so wacky!" This game will defiantly go out of its way to just do shit it doesn't earn or explain. You are better off just accepting the madness into your life; questioning it will only make it hurt more.

Actually, if you mess with the computers in the Balamb Garden (I forget if this exists elsewhere), there was a message board for students to post on. Zell could often be found praising the hot dogs, or being sad that the cafeteria was sold out of hot dogs, or whatever Zell's issue with hot dogs was. I'm pretty sure that message board updates throughout the game, too, proto-GTA V Bleeter style. But I can't remember if it was accessible anywhere besides Balamb Garden's classroom, or expanded beyond that one Garden.

@nodima: oh yeah, I remember that now. That Garden blog was one of the few times the game tried to characterize Selphie beyond her train shtick and occasional psychopathy. Also, did FFVIII invent the blog?!

Anyway, the existence of functioning online message boards makes it even weirder that no one thought to, you know, pick up a damned phone and warn Cid that missiles are coming.

@zombiepie: now that people are mentioning it, you should totally see the game's message boards. I feel it's your duty as a moderator.

it's at this point where I wonder how much your mentor will keep you to the critical path, because some of the background and answers are at least attempted to address, but it's just in side areas that I never found on my first playthrough
also, I'm gonna be honest, I never saw that particular bit of moomba info in the information part of the menu, I always just assumed they looked alike enough in the abstraction of the game world and the moombas saw the resemblance

@tonka_92: The next section will be mostly side-quests. Look forward to the Cetra Ruins, Shumi Village, Winhill, Obel Lake, and maybe some blogging!

Great write up as usual, ZombiePie. It's funny to me that you seem to like Laguna because I really hated Laguna's parts in my playthroughs. Most recently because I was doing a low level run and having to reequip junctions while avoiding killing enemies in his storylines was always terrible. I hope you continue playing and enjoy the game even more by the end. And I kind of enjoy the weird moments like the band scene because they help the character development. However, I totally understand your complaints about it.

@zombiepie What a fantastic game :D

The story makes no sense, but it brings you to so many cool enviroments that i can forgive it.

At least it tries to be entertaining and memorable. And since i still vividly remember these places in the game after 15 years, i think that it does a great job at that.

Also you want to 'farm' drawpoints for magic to junction. That's a huge part of the 'grind' of Final Fantasy 8. getting 99 of most magic, so you can junction it to your stats and become insanely powerful.

If an enemy is weak against lightning, draw a lot of lightning spells from a drawpoint (or monsters) and junction it to your attack.

Hell of a blog post! Your finest yet I think.

Open your heart to FFVIII Zombie!

I spent so much time in that Laguna flashback when I last played. Love that area. Also Kiros is so much fun to do combat with.

About Squall aka stop hurting me

To be very sensitive, it hurts my feelings a bit how you all talk about Squall. Even after all these years, of any characer in any game Squall is most like me. He is a quiet loner and loser and spends most all his time in his head, doesn't really like people, and thinks people don't like him. He's more neutral and disinterested than he is passionate. His demeanor and monologues are very much me. Definitely even moreso when I was his age.

I want to say that because it's so funny to hear you all writing "how could anyone like Squall?" "how could anyone be friends with him?" :(

Well, the simple truth is anyone can like anyone for any reason. Lame, quiet and egotistical as I am, people do actual like me for some reason. And I bet many of you aren't such great people either :D I'm not saying the writing is perfect or whatever, but just this specific train is funny to me.

Anyways! Excited for the next issue Zombie!

I think after FFVIII you should make one of those on something you really love because I really need to see the contrast.

As you continue to post updates I become increasingly flabbergasted by how bad FF8's translation is.

@geraltitude: Speaking as an introvert myself, I get where you're coming from, but I also think your offense is misplaced.

The negative reactions to Squall come because he is a caricature of an introvert, not a representation of an actual personality type in the real world. It's even more jarring because the writers occasionally forget the nature of what they've created. Squall inspires loyalty and affection in his companions because the story says so, not because the writers crafted a plausible arc for him.

If anyone, ANYWHERE, can stand to be around you, then you're probably not as similar to Squall as you think. Because you're not a monster.

@encephalon: lol I'm not seriously offended, it's all in jest! Just funny for me thinking "hmm squall is like me" then reading all this here "how could anyone like this guy??". But yeah, being me, he just never came across as that weird. Like I said, at Squall's age, it all made sense to me :P

I complete what I start. Mark my words, I will finish this game.

No joke...I have seen Advent Children all the way through...despite having NEVER PLAYED Final Fantasy VII. That was a real trip.

I have always been afflicted with hypercriticism. I mean ask any of my dates that I have taken to the movies. I have always been a notorious nit-picker when it comes to movies, televisions shows, and video games.

It is UNBELIEVABLE that the manual has this kind of information! Who thought it was a good idea to put that and the Laguna spoiler in there? WHO?

ABSOLUTELY! This game is beyond stupid, but I cannot help but revel in the fact that someone wrote all of this dialogue and these sorts of scenes. A cynical person could not have possibly put in the concert sequence in this game. That is not possible.

I don't mean to be insulting, but I don't believe any of you. I mean everyone has been telling me that shit is about to get bonkers but...it kind of always has.

Wait, IS that the connection between Squall and Laguna? I played the game (well, most of it) but I don't remember ever picking up on that point. Maybe I did pick up on it... I don't know, that whole game is a fucking blur in my mind.

@thatpinguino is about the most die hard supporter of Final Fantasy IX you will ever meet.

No that's not right, that fits Selphie...or maybe the game is doubling up on terrible character archetypes. Also, it sounds like I'm never playing a Metal Gear Solid game ever.

It's almost as if I should never play another Final Fantasy game after this, and have this game be my permanent impression of the what the entire franchise is.

Oh GREAT! It sounds like I'm taking requests.

Here are my "notes" about the side-quests in Final Fantasy VIII:

Now for those of you that have been mentioning that I have been taking the "easy route" while playing this game, firstly you are correct, and secondly understand that I will be completing BOTH parts to the Deep Sea Research Center. I am also going to "attempt" to get the Tonberry King, but I make no promises in regards to actually completing that. If you are wondering how I know about all of these characters and/or places the "No Guides Rule" does not apply to side-quests.

How low level are we talking about? Are you one of those "No Level Up/Level One" play-through people?

@zombiepie: The blog will only take like 5 minutes to look at, its just a crazy thing that exists. Also the blog is how you can read some of Laguna's columns about his travels. More Laguna!

As for the stupid bullshit column, you might like the cc group since you like the card game. They are a card club that exists in Balamb Garden. Some of them have rare cards and their leader has a card that refines into 10 items that make your whole party invincible like Rinoa's limit break. You don't have to do it, but if you want to just play cards, they are the people to play.

Also yes FFIX is the superior game. If I could have picked any game, I would have picked that one. Though you did see the end of IX in the endurance run so that would have been spoiled for you.

@thatpinguino said:

The best parts of that game are definitely not at the end of that game.

@zombiepie You like Mr. Plinkett and Redlettermedia a whole lot huh? Just giving you a hard time. I am loving this blog series.

I have really fond memories of this game. I absolutely loved it when I first played it as a 12 year old. It is really cool to see the perspectives of an adult playing it for the first time in 2015. It really highlights how seriously flawed the game is and how immature the storytelling really is. The bombcast guys were so spot on in their analysis of a "golden age" of games. I played this when I was 12, so to me it will always be awesome. I love this series, because it's allowing me to see these faults while keeping my own experiences and memories of the game intact. Keep it up!

@zombiepie:ZP, I hate to say it, but you have all the classic symptoms of SQUIDs: Squall-Quistis Unintentional Infatuation Disease. SQUID manifests itself in three phases:

1) PTSD-like symptoms: your mind is left reeling at the absurdity of it all. Your desperate attempts to rectify what you are seeing on screen with what you know of reality cause an extreme flight-or-fight response, where you either put the game down and never return, or dig your heals in to combat the sheer nonsense you are seeing with logic and reasoning.

2) Stockholm Syndrome: Fighting against the nonsense of FF9 forces you to admit, in your addled state, that the game has something going for it. You begin to appreciate what it is attempting to do, empathizing with its "sincerity" or "intentions" despite reality otherwise screaming at you. You start to confuse "this scene/mechanic is admirable" with "this scene/mechanic isn't fucking me as hard as some of the other ones."

3) Madness: The contradictions of what you are seeing (a horrible trainwreck) and what you are feeling snap whatever remains of your sane mind. You now revel in darkness, and encourage other people to do the same. There is no cure.

You're diving deeper into Stage 2, ZP. You can still come back from this, but soon it'll be too late. I implore you to remain a kid and not a SQUID.

No, I've never done that for any game before. FFVIII is actually a lot easier in a low level run. I beat the game with my main party around level 11 because I would avoid killing any and all monsters. Doing this and playing the card game gives you the ability to become extremely overpowered. Since bosses and enemies scale to your level this can mean you are hitting 9,999 per hit on an end-game boss who only has like 20k HP. I only did this because I have started this game over 10 times and never finished it and I finally wanted to see the end. And while it makes the battles easier it does require a decent amount of time invested.

I think you secretly love this game.

I'm loving every minute of this blog regardless!

Thinking the weirdest part of the game is behind you.

To quote the great Colonel Hunter Gathers

"You don't know dick"

I am curious to see if the development team remaking FFVII realizes how nuts the story for that one was.

FFVIII is very much a mess. Don't bother sorting it out. It is the path to madness.

FFXIII takes the crazy to a whole new level.

It seems like they are getting some grounding back with FFXV.

FFIX has a certain charm to it. It is the high fantasy FF.

This game has ALL of the heart.

Oh and the sorceress thing will be clarified. Somewhat.

The first thing she does say to him is "you're the best looking guy here".

It's the most realistic teen romance of all time; Dude is an attractive asshole and girlie ass all horny.

When I said Disc 2 will make you loathe Squall and Rinoa, and that it becomes like Saved by the Bell in the middle of WW2; that date scene was what I was referencing. If you think it's pushing credibility now, wait until the revelations.

Disc 3 tho... there's one scene in particular that I think is pretty good.

You started with the Final Fantasy that finally made me stop playing Final Fantasy, despite being a massive fan since the original came out on the NES? Well... that's one way to dive into the series.

Also, I haven't read a Let's Play like that since the Something Awful forums. I need to see how that website is doing these days.