First day of my first real job tomorrow: Any advice?

After "slacking off" quite some years in grad school (ehh, which is kind of a job here in continental Europe) I will be faced with my first real job at the age of 34.

Any advice? Especially how to deal with "my staff"?

Wow! I got out of grad school and started working when I was 24, and I sorta felt old entering the workforce at that point, so I can't even imagine what hitting that hurdle at 34 must be like. Maybe grad school is different in Europe...

Also, what do you mean exactly when you say "my staff"? Are you going to immediately have people working for you?

@chaser324 said:

It is way different. I am looking back on 13 years of school, 5 years of undergrad (undergrad used to end with a master), and 7 years of working on my PhD. The PhD was maybe 2 too years long (due to a variety of reasons), but these used to be normal length. Add in civil service and a year of "not-real" jobs and you end up being 34.

Yes, there will be a bunch of lab technicians working for me.

PS: Sorry, meant to post this in off-topic.

1. Be on time
2. Be on time
3. Have a small social chat with everyone you will work with on a day-to-day basis
4. Seriously, be on time. It's your first day so some extra time to settle in will help and relieve stress
5. Don't be afraid to ask questions
6. Don't try to be "cool" with the people that work for you
7. Looking at the games you play, you're awesome. You'll do fine

DON'T FUCK IT UP BOOKWORM!!

Amanda Palmer has some words of advice...about the Fraud Police.

Wow, I thought I slacked with the intellectual curiosity: 7 years of university and 2 degrees, but this is a whole new level.

If you happen to have any chunks of caesium lying around, don't put it in the water.

@wuddel: Don't get too chummy with anyone. Be polite but keep coworkers at an arms length until you work there for at least a couple of months.

It may sound extremely cynical but you can never really trust anyone until you really get to know them. Don't make the mistake of thinking people you work with are your "friends" or that you owe your workplace anything. Your company will not think twice to replace you with someone else and all those extra hours won't mean a damn. It's a cruel, awful world, and maybe you will land in a really cool place with a fair boss, friendly coworkers and a healthy work atmosphere - but until you are sure that is the case make sure to think about yourself first and then the company.

Is that... is that sex joke?

Give everyone a heart slap on the arse as they enter the office each morning.

Keep a few open bottles of spirits on your desk for anyone who needs a pick-me-up during the day. Better still have a cocktail cabinet installed and filled on your first day. Doing this will definitely make you popular.

Feel free to smoke at your desk,, if you don't care why should anyone else?

Female co-workers love it when you rate their appearance out of 10 each morning. It helps them keep their standards up.

You are the boss, so is sets a bad example if you do more work than your staff. Delegate everything.

@wuddel: Be on time, stick to your schedules, and be a boss first and friend second.

It sounds like you've had a lot of training, and once you get used to the job, it'll likely all kick in. Good luck!

Oh, and find the biggest, strongest guy in the office and beat them up. I hear that helps you establish dominance early on.

Retire

Don't forget to rape them afterwards, and pee in all the corners of the office.

Jesus!!! Yes do this BE THE ALPHA MALE

Just be on time, be professional, ask a lot of questions (you're new so they'll be expecting them). GLHB!

Wear a different novelty tie every day.

Memorize "The Office" quotes. That will give you something to say in every situation. People love that guy.

Pants. I never realized it until it was too late but most places frown on a lack of pants.

Other than that, there's not much to know. Try to get to know the people you are stuck with and get to know who you are going to want to avoid and who you can work with. I have always taken the approach of ninjaing around not drawing any attention but listening to whatever I can to get a feel for the type of people around. Then when I find someone I don't want to murder because they are annoying or like the dumbest things in the world I will introduce myself and try to get to know them better.

@sinusoidal: Only got to sodium so far.

Haha. This thread is awesome.

@akyho: I am actually making a kiosk for her dad.

Good luck dude! Two pieces of advice

1. Don't be a dick.

2. Don't be a dick.

Well I guess that advice can just be life advice in general.

Ah yes! This orientation video should help. Good luck out there:

Along the same lines, if at any time you find yourself chuckling at a Dilbert cartoon, go home and sob your way to the bottom of a sweet bottle of depression juice. Repeat until you reach retirement age.

Spike the coffee machine with the strongest alcohol you have. Your coworkers will thank you for making the day bearable.

@wuddel:

Even if you think you know all about the job and what to do and all that don't act like you know it all. No one likes the new employee who thinks they know it all.

Make sure to continuously remind your "underlings" that despite having absolutely no prior work experience, you are not only smarter than them and know their job better than even they do, but you're also an overall better human being.

what is your job?

Make your politcal and religious beliefs known as soon as you possibly can.

Do your best, and stay chill. Feel the breeze in between your knees without taking any clothes off. Never talk about anyone and get caught up in their gossip. Do your work, then go home.

If its a large corporation, they will have an orientation program to guide you. Try to read between the lines, as they can't always legally tell you what they expect (especially in Germany), but you should pick up on the clues.
If they spend half an hour explaining to you how to configure your private cellphone to receive company e-mail, its because they damn well expect you to be available.
If you don't play ball regarding this kind of stuff (availability outside work, unpaid overtime etc.) they clearly can't fire you because of it (that would be illegal, after all), but you better believe that you'll be silently shitlisted.
Otherwise from my experience the process should be the smoothest, as everything is very standardised and there will be new employees at most levels so you can socialize with equals + plenty of mentoring usually.
The big trap in my experience is that after the orientation phase (which might take a week or two), there's not much of a grace period, so you should try to squeeze in as much actual work as possible: the first real actual deadline always drops much much faster than one thinks.

If its a medium-size company be ready for lots of drama no matter how much you try to ingratiate yourself with the old dogs. My job (in Germany / Austria, which is where you are as well?) gets me in touch with lots of different companies of all sizes, and without fail, medium-size companies are where shit truly goes down in the breakroom.
On the other hand, the path to the top is shorter and you'll have easier access to decision-makers and less bureaucracy to deal with.
Also medium-size companies are in a sweet spot where they are often quite exploitative, yet not under enough public scrutiny to be thwarted in their efforts by unions etc., so work conditions are often the very worst. Enjoy!

Wish I could give some good advice, but I can't. Anyway best of luck to you and congratz on the job. I'm sure you'll be abit nervous at first, but you'll start to get the hang of things eventually.

Don't fuck anyone in the office.

Make someone a terrible cup of coffee (don't get crazy, just put too much milk in or something), and then when they hate it, you'll never have to make anyone a brew ever again.

Boom.

Or fuck everyone in the office.

Also good luck Wuddel dude.

Overdress slightly.

Leave the mink coat and the gator boots at home though.

@artofwar420: I am not into dudes, so no danger there.

@wittgkatzi: Welcome to the GB forums. Great to have you. Yeah, I am born and raised in Germany. The job is in Switzerland, where I spend already the last 8 years. And it is a middle sized company ...

@zombie2011: I am a biochemist, by training. Its a science related job, with much more administrative hassle though.

Fake your own death.

Dont fuck up

@chaser324: What does it mean for someone who consistently finds Dilbert funny, but have never had a full time job? :C I don't want to be sobbing right now!

@artofwar420 said:

Don't listen to this man. Fuck everyone in the office. It's the only way to get ahead.

@dagbiker: Thats cool, yeah he is a folk singer and musician in his own right.

Also to OP, pray to get someone to tell you things straight about other folk like this.

WEAR A COWBOY HAT!

It is imperative that you understand this, you might get fired or even executed if you forget...

believe me i've been there.

Masturbate furiously to establish dominance.