The state of my life and why I've decided to end it.

this will probably get deleted how depressing is that

Hello Giantbomb. No, you did not misinterpret that. I am going to kill myself. As soon as I'm done writing this, actually! Maybe. If not, tomorrow evening. Depends on if I get too sleepy by the time I finish this. If I were the type of person who had the drive to do anything properly I would probably not be in this spot. So hopefully by the time these words are absorbed and analyzed by your brain area I will not be a thing anymore. Assuming this all goes well, anyway. If it does not I will probably be back here in a few weeks telling you about my liver damage.

I spent a long time writing out a very long, very mopey, pity party post but I got rid of it. Some of you are rereading this(maybe?) going "i thought you said it wasnt a pity party this time" and oops i goofed. I don't know why I got rid of it. I don't expect sympathy. But I do know that I would like to tell you a few things because I want somebody out there to hear them. Why you, anonymous internet person that goes to the website triple-double-yoo-dot-giantbomb-dot-com?

Because you've been there for me. I found Giantbomb three years ago when I was at one of my lowest points. I was stuck in California with a girl I'd met online and was visiting. I say I was stuck because I went down there for a small convention, and when it was time to come back home to sunny Seattle, Washington, my father would not let me. He told me there was no room for me at the house I had left two weeks before and I was on my own. This led to me being unable to finish high school which is probably a large reason why I am where I am. Thanks dad. He never told me why, but I think it was because I had implied something to him before leaving, and he was worried it was true. It was true, and I've since told him, and we're good friends. But that isn't the point, because we weren't when it happened. I guess we both had a lot of growing up to do. But anyway, you've been there for me, Giantbomb. You've made me smile when I thought I couldn't anymore, given me hours and hours and hours of entertainment, and while you peoples on the forums tend to call me stupid for my opinions like everybody else does, I at least don't feel that you mean it in a harmful way.

So I'll tell it to you straight out instead of tiptoeing around it like I did with el padre. You deserve that much.

I am transgendered. I feel terrible about not telling you sooner, giantbomb dot com, but it isn't the sort of thing that just comes out naturally. It's something I try not to make a big deal out of because it is nothing more than who I am as a human being, but it isn't really something you can bring up casually, it has to be the center of a conversation. You can't just drop it like "I really liked the part in Halo 4 where Cortana had boobs because hey by the way..." It's very scary. I've had to stare into internet eyes and real people eyes both and say it, and neither is easy. I start shaking and my mind goes in so many figure eights expecting them to judge me or tell me we aren't friends anymore or that I'm some sort of freak. I lost a couple friends the other day because I finally decided to tell them. People I'd known for four or five years. If I can't be sure of how people I think I know extremely well are going to react, how can I try to tell strangers? But it's out there now and I am not going to take it back, for better or for worse. It's one of the reasons I am going to do this. I didn't mean to masquerade around as a proper, natural lady. Some of you probably feel lied to. I am very sorry. It was not my intent.

Anyway, meat of the issue. Or something. I feel completely stuck in life. No, stuck is a bad word for it. I feel I've hit the height of my potential. I am not going to make more money than I do now. I make about $1000 USD a month at the comic book/tabletop gaming store I work at. It isn't bad, but the lady I mentioned above lives with me now after I got her out of her abusive parent's house. I have been paying for her rent and entertainment for the past two years and now I simply cannot afford to take care of two people on that budget. Things have become too expensive, and I have the above thing to save up for and I just can't do it. If I set aside every single penny I had free after paying my rent and my bills it would take me nineteen years to save up for all the medicine and surgeries and other bullshit I'd need to make my dream a reality. I cannot even afford to maintain a car. Not that I have one. Not that I can drive.

I've tried applying to many jobs but every single one has turned me away. Some have even called me to go PFFF WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER HAHAHA and that just makes the whole thing even harder. I know it is because of my lack of education, and I have tried so hard to study to rectify this, but the unfortunate truth is that I am not very smart and I have a learning disability that makes it very difficult for me to absorb information quickly or efficiently. Sometimes at all. I do not believe I can advance my education, and with that, I cannot advance my ability to make money. I've tried. Several times. I've failed. I was simply not born smart and there's nothing I can do to fight that.

The place I live in looks like a truly horrific episode of Cops. I live with seven other people and not a single one of them is willing to do anything about the state of the house even though they are to blame for it. I work very hard to keep it looking as best I can. I do dishes every day, I've cleaned the bathroom several times this month alone, I sweep, I mop, whatever. But every day, more dishes, more dog shit on the floor because nobody is willing to take care of their animals, more mould growing in the shower because nobody turns the fan on when they are done showering, more empty Little Caesars boxes and beer bottles lying around every corner of every room that isn't mine, more macaroni and cheese that wasn't cleaned up, just sitting in the pot on the stove. I can't keep up with it, and when I ask people to help take care of the house I am met with ridicule that I am not trying hard enough on my own. I'm being taken advantage of and there is nothing I can do about it because this is the only place I can afford.

I have a lot of trouble making friends in real life. I did not have a group of people I could really call "my friends" until I was eighteen years old. I have not made any new ones since then. The ones I have now don't particularly care for me. I can tell they only associate with me because it is convenient for them at times. I let them take advantage of me because without them, I am completely alone aside from my internet acquaintances. Even the regulars at the store I go to only tolerate me. One of them went off on me when I tried to socialize with their group a few weeks ago. Told me that I am weird and a bother and that I have nothing to live for aside from that job. I wish they hadn't been so right.

I don't know. There's so much to say but I am not very good at putting my thoughts into words. I never have been. I guess the best way to summarize it is that there is nowhere for me to go from here. For me, life will never move beyond wake up, play video games, go to work if I have work that day, if not, wait till bed, sleep, repeat. This is the best I can aspire to, that disappoints me and I don't want to stay in this spot anymore.

I had dreamed of being beautiful. I wanted it more than anything. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and not want to crawl out of my fucking skin because I felt like a liar whose fool was the entire world.

I dreamt of being successful. I had an ingrown toenail that had become terribly infected for about five months because I could not afford to get it fixed. I finally got it taken care of in December after being told I may lose the toe if I didn't bite the bullet and shell out the cash to get it done. I had made up my mind then that I wanted to be a doctor so that I could help people, that they would not have to live with injuries like I had. If I could help one person not be terrified of putting on their shoe in the morning, then I had done made a difference, even if it was small.

But I guess I really was just dreaming.

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Posted by InternetCrab

I have no idea if you are still alive or not but, just don't do it, you seem like a nice person c:

Edited by Demoskinos

You may feel helpless but there have been people in worse positions than you that have pulled them selves out of the gutter. Really the first thing you need to do is start being positive. If there is one thing I've learned its life its that perspective is EVERYTHING. You can turn your life around dont opt for a permanent solution to something you can fix. You've got people here that care about you. Please find some support. There are people who dont get lucky enough to live as long as you have. Don't throw it away. <3

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Posted by Cyrus_Saren

I don't really know what else to say that hasn't already been said. I do not really know you but I do recognize your name and avatar. From what I've seen you put, you seem a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for. We also seem to have some similar problems: I have a lack of social skills and it makes it hard for me to meet, talk and interact with people because of it. I also have problems articulating my thoughts.

Like others on here, I think you need to talk to someone. There is no reason for anyone to end their life. You seem like a caring, sympathetic person and we need more of that in this world.

Edited by OfficeGamer

Listening to Elton John's I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues and reading through this thread, I got quite emotional.

I tend to be realistic and grim, maybe even pessimistic, so I won't say anything here. I hope whatever you do, that it will be the best for you. I'm not anti-suicide because nothing is black and white, but if you keep your life I hope you'll use the wise words given in this thread and try to change your outlook on life. You sound brave and generous, you just have to know how to camouflage yourself with the exterior of being an asshole, or someone who's only casually nice.. that's the only way to survive.

I'll shut up now and quote the best post on this thread:

Not sure what to say after reading that. I don't know that "don't do it" is really an effective message. "Life will get better" or "there has to be a better way" has always sounded like sweet nothings to me that people who don't understand the person in question's situation say to prevent them from doing something stupid. I feel the same way about "thinking on the bright side."

I will say, however, that it seems that you're stuck thinking about unfulfilled dreams a lot. That, I can say with 100% certainty, we all have. Unfulfilled dreams, are not, in my opinion, a proper basis for doing something as drastic as taking one's own life. "Dreams", I think, are irrelevant and if they don't happen, then they don't happen. Best to come up with new ones or refocus on potential future happiness than be stuck in the past. I hate the past.

Posted by Video_Game_King

dont opt for a permanent solution to something you can fix.

Why? Isn't that a good thing? (I'm aware you're criticizing suicide, but this particular criticism is a real pet peeve of mine, since people generally don't like temporary solutions.)

Edited by acethesuperhero

Hey friend!

So re: suicidal ideation, I've been there. Like, I practically live there. I built a house there. And I know, I am living proof, that it is possible to get through. Tried to kill myself at fifteen and I'm still kicking. If you don't fight, kick and scream at these feelings, you're letting the game play you, is all I'm saying. So I'm going to extend a similar message that these other folks are - if you ever need anything, an ear or whatever, please PM me. I know you don't know me, hell I don't post on these boards lol, but I can assure you I'm a decent listener.

So keep fighting the good fight, milady.

Oh, by the way? You're a perfectly natural, and I'm sure incredibly beautiful, woman. :)

Edited by SoldierG654342

Having lost my brother to suicide, I feel like I would be abdicating some sort of responsibility if I didn't say something.

I don't know know of you're family or personal life, and I'm not going to lecture you on getting help, but there are people who out there who are willing to help you and that will miss you.

Posted by Ghostiet

I hope there is a happy ending to this story. I really do. I'm having a terrible month. I'd like to see someone overcome her problems and climb out of her emotional gutter. I'd like to see someone pull through out of something way worse than I'm in. I hope I will. I really, really do.

Posted by SerHulse

@demoskinos said:

dont opt for a permanent solution to something you can fix.

Why? Isn't that a good thing? (I'm aware you're criticizing suicide, but this particular criticism is a real pet peeve of mine, since people generally don't like temporary solutions.)

I think the "permanent" part of that statement refers to the fact you can't reverse it, not how long it lasts. A better solution is one that can be adapted as times and conditions change, suicide is permanent in that you can't go back on it if the situation changes (and it inevitably will).

To better phrase it: "Don't opt for an irreversible solution to a reversible problem".

Posted by MrDapper

I've been in a similar place before, I was about to commit suicide and I probably would have had I not reached out for help. It can be hard to ask, but just letting other people now can really help you. I'm sorry I don't have a long inspiring post, I just saw this and felt the need to say something. I hope you reconsider.

Posted by Video_Game_King
Posted by JasonR86
Posted by RollingZeppelin

Just like to add my voice of support. Life is precious and ever changing, things might suck now but they'll probably get better no matter how hopeless it feels!

Edited by charlie_victor_bravo

Just move. Before killing yourself, at least try to take some risks.

Edited by Sanity

Hope you come back and tell us your ok, was hoping we would hear back from yea by the time i got home. Nothing is ever so bad to end your life over, things can change and i hope you can see that.

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Edited by Fattony12000

@artemesia:

So, I wrote a 2000 word reply to you regarding your opening post. I read it through several times and put a lot of thought into exactly what to say to you. Upon reflection, I figured it would be best to just ask you to talk to someone, us, professionals, friends, strangers, family, anyone; before you go ahead and take a step from which there is no coming back. There are people out there who are ready to listen, and are ready to try and help you.

You are a good person and should not rob this world of your potential before your time has come.

x

Edited by Subjugation

@artemesia: I've been where you are. My problem wasn't dealing with being transgendered, it was coming to terms with having a chronic disease that doesn't have a cure. I had become so sick (literally and figuratively) and so depressed at the fact that I would never be rid of this burden that I almost did something terrible and foolish. I just about had everything set up when I just stopped in my tracks. I don't know what you're like, but I am a religious person so I believe that had a lot to do with what happened in that moment. I had a wave of thoughts crash over me about the consequences of what I was about to do. I would be throwing so much away. I had my entire life ahead of me. My friends and family would be devastated. I was being selfish. Furthermore, I realized I was not alone. I am not the only person with this condition, and you are not the only person in your own situation. I found hope in seeing others like me leading successful, happy lives, they just had to work a little bit harder. I believe that you too can lead a happy, successful life, you just may have to work a little harder.

Life is full of tests and trials. That is what it is all about. Our purpose is to learn and grow. Part of that is adapting to our circumstances. Everyone has problems, whether it be physical, mental, financial, or otherwise. We also have the tools and the strength to bear our burdens. You are going through the Refiner's fire and will come out better for it. So many wonderful moments lay in store for you, so please don't do anything that would prevent you from being able to realize them.

Please seek counsel and help from those qualified to give it, but if you aren't comfortable with that you are more than welcome to PM me.

Posted by Jeff

I'd like to thank those of you that have chipped in with some great comments, whether it's about the situation at hand or how it maps back to your own lives. At some point, though, we have to lock this for safety purposes and reach out through other means. Let's hope that Artemesia is safe.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself, please contact the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Staff