The state of my life and why I've decided to end it.

this will probably get deleted how depressing is that

Hello Giantbomb. No, you did not misinterpret that. I am going to kill myself. As soon as I'm done writing this, actually! Maybe. If not, tomorrow evening. Depends on if I get too sleepy by the time I finish this. If I were the type of person who had the drive to do anything properly I would probably not be in this spot. So hopefully by the time these words are absorbed and analyzed by your brain area I will not be a thing anymore. Assuming this all goes well, anyway. If it does not I will probably be back here in a few weeks telling you about my liver damage.

I spent a long time writing out a very long, very mopey, pity party post but I got rid of it. Some of you are rereading this(maybe?) going "i thought you said it wasnt a pity party this time" and oops i goofed. I don't know why I got rid of it. I don't expect sympathy. But I do know that I would like to tell you a few things because I want somebody out there to hear them. Why you, anonymous internet person that goes to the website triple-double-yoo-dot-giantbomb-dot-com?

Because you've been there for me. I found Giantbomb three years ago when I was at one of my lowest points. I was stuck in California with a girl I'd met online and was visiting. I say I was stuck because I went down there for a small convention, and when it was time to come back home to sunny Seattle, Washington, my father would not let me. He told me there was no room for me at the house I had left two weeks before and I was on my own. This led to me being unable to finish high school which is probably a large reason why I am where I am. Thanks dad. He never told me why, but I think it was because I had implied something to him before leaving, and he was worried it was true. It was true, and I've since told him, and we're good friends. But that isn't the point, because we weren't when it happened. I guess we both had a lot of growing up to do. But anyway, you've been there for me, Giantbomb. You've made me smile when I thought I couldn't anymore, given me hours and hours and hours of entertainment, and while you peoples on the forums tend to call me stupid for my opinions like everybody else does, I at least don't feel that you mean it in a harmful way.

So I'll tell it to you straight out instead of tiptoeing around it like I did with el padre. You deserve that much.

I am transgendered. I feel terrible about not telling you sooner, giantbomb dot com, but it isn't the sort of thing that just comes out naturally. It's something I try not to make a big deal out of because it is nothing more than who I am as a human being, but it isn't really something you can bring up casually, it has to be the center of a conversation. You can't just drop it like "I really liked the part in Halo 4 where Cortana had boobs because hey by the way..." It's very scary. I've had to stare into internet eyes and real people eyes both and say it, and neither is easy. I start shaking and my mind goes in so many figure eights expecting them to judge me or tell me we aren't friends anymore or that I'm some sort of freak. I lost a couple friends the other day because I finally decided to tell them. People I'd known for four or five years. If I can't be sure of how people I think I know extremely well are going to react, how can I try to tell strangers? But it's out there now and I am not going to take it back, for better or for worse. It's one of the reasons I am going to do this. I didn't mean to masquerade around as a proper, natural lady. Some of you probably feel lied to. I am very sorry. It was not my intent.

Anyway, meat of the issue. Or something. I feel completely stuck in life. No, stuck is a bad word for it. I feel I've hit the height of my potential. I am not going to make more money than I do now. I make about $1000 USD a month at the comic book/tabletop gaming store I work at. It isn't bad, but the lady I mentioned above lives with me now after I got her out of her abusive parent's house. I have been paying for her rent and entertainment for the past two years and now I simply cannot afford to take care of two people on that budget. Things have become too expensive, and I have the above thing to save up for and I just can't do it. If I set aside every single penny I had free after paying my rent and my bills it would take me nineteen years to save up for all the medicine and surgeries and other bullshit I'd need to make my dream a reality. I cannot even afford to maintain a car. Not that I have one. Not that I can drive.

I've tried applying to many jobs but every single one has turned me away. Some have even called me to go PFFF WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER HAHAHA and that just makes the whole thing even harder. I know it is because of my lack of education, and I have tried so hard to study to rectify this, but the unfortunate truth is that I am not very smart and I have a learning disability that makes it very difficult for me to absorb information quickly or efficiently. Sometimes at all. I do not believe I can advance my education, and with that, I cannot advance my ability to make money. I've tried. Several times. I've failed. I was simply not born smart and there's nothing I can do to fight that.

The place I live in looks like a truly horrific episode of Cops. I live with seven other people and not a single one of them is willing to do anything about the state of the house even though they are to blame for it. I work very hard to keep it looking as best I can. I do dishes every day, I've cleaned the bathroom several times this month alone, I sweep, I mop, whatever. But every day, more dishes, more dog shit on the floor because nobody is willing to take care of their animals, more mould growing in the shower because nobody turns the fan on when they are done showering, more empty Little Caesars boxes and beer bottles lying around every corner of every room that isn't mine, more macaroni and cheese that wasn't cleaned up, just sitting in the pot on the stove. I can't keep up with it, and when I ask people to help take care of the house I am met with ridicule that I am not trying hard enough on my own. I'm being taken advantage of and there is nothing I can do about it because this is the only place I can afford.

I have a lot of trouble making friends in real life. I did not have a group of people I could really call "my friends" until I was eighteen years old. I have not made any new ones since then. The ones I have now don't particularly care for me. I can tell they only associate with me because it is convenient for them at times. I let them take advantage of me because without them, I am completely alone aside from my internet acquaintances. Even the regulars at the store I go to only tolerate me. One of them went off on me when I tried to socialize with their group a few weeks ago. Told me that I am weird and a bother and that I have nothing to live for aside from that job. I wish they hadn't been so right.

I don't know. There's so much to say but I am not very good at putting my thoughts into words. I never have been. I guess the best way to summarize it is that there is nowhere for me to go from here. For me, life will never move beyond wake up, play video games, go to work if I have work that day, if not, wait till bed, sleep, repeat. This is the best I can aspire to, that disappoints me and I don't want to stay in this spot anymore.

I had dreamed of being beautiful. I wanted it more than anything. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and not want to crawl out of my fucking skin because I felt like a liar whose fool was the entire world.

I dreamt of being successful. I had an ingrown toenail that had become terribly infected for about five months because I could not afford to get it fixed. I finally got it taken care of in December after being told I may lose the toe if I didn't bite the bullet and shell out the cash to get it done. I had made up my mind then that I wanted to be a doctor so that I could help people, that they would not have to live with injuries like I had. If I could help one person not be terrified of putting on their shoe in the morning, then I had done made a difference, even if it was small.

But I guess I really was just dreaming.

106 Comments
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Edited by Ducksworth
Edited by Hockeymask27

Dude you only get one. No matter how shitty it is. There is no after life waiting only this life right now so just make the best of it.

Edited by Ravenlight

@artemesia:

I've got my fingers crossed that this is just an elaborate ARG relating to The Phantom Pain.

Hang in there, duder.

Edited by Video_Game_King

Posted by cloudnineboya

hopefully you did go to bed and is all cosy and dreaming of nice things, and not gone through with what you were thinking of doing. i say go and see someone like a help place for people in your situation too get a better understanding off the person you are and how theses people deal with there lives, and the chance to meet new friends like minded as your self. then it might help with the assholes that you work with and your so called friends , because once you are happy with what you are you can just think to your self well fuck you this is who i am and if you don't like it then you can either deal with it or piss off . i can tell you that these people calling you a freak probable have done stuff that does deserves the tag line freak .

as to the girl that has been living and sponging off you. you have done a great thing here but it is time to tell her to find her own place unless she understands what you are going through and helps you through it some days, if not then let her go, you really dont need that kind off stress on top of every thing else.

i have depression and anxiety that steams from my paranoia/ mild schizophrenia and most days i think off turning the light out permanently but if it was not for my family and especially my sis who as been a rock for me the past 15 years. the thought off putting them through that pain always stops me going ahead with it . but it is getting harder too not do do it now a days, so i totally can see where you are coming from i like you hate myself and it takes all my will just to go out side most days. so i just say ok today is not going to be the that day i am going to take this day to see what i need to do ,you sound like a genuine good person witch sound like a good trait to have so maybe use that to help you , do some thing like charity work where people will appreciate who and what you do.

here's hoping you have read all these wounderfull comments and taken a step back. the world needs mor poeple like you not less

Posted by HerbieBug

I want you to call local crisis line and talk to them.

Next, I want you to go to walk-in clinic or emergency room and tell them how you are feeling.

Life does not have to be this way for you, for anyone. Things can get better with help. I say this because I know. I was in a similar place in life a couple years ago. I have OCD, and Asperger's Syndrome, and Dysthymia as well. I thought nothing would ever improve. That there was no reason to continue my suffering. I was wrong.

Please consider that you may be wrong as well. Please.

Posted by Blu3V3nom07

I simply don't know what to put here. All these suggestions are very good ideas. Volunteer somewhere where your help is needed. But, I think this has already happened. I just don't know what else to think.

I'd like to think that many of us can get along in real life, if we knew each other. I wish I did know you so maybe I could provide some type of help. But, know that we all here at GB Community, hope that you haven't done this. The world is definitely worth living for, E3 and the like, as petty as those things may seem..

Edited by dungbootle

Don't do it.

1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE)

1-800-SUICIDA (Spanish)

Posted by Animasta

I am in a very similar spot that you are, transgender an all (except my health does not really permit me to work). Life sucks for us, especially those who don't have the means to transition, but you can't let that get you down. You're in a much better spot than I am even.

go talk to one of the numbers that have been listed.

you can't kill yourself either because you are one of my favorite posters too :(

Posted by JasonR86

@artemesia:

Hi. I was referenced earlier by @yummylee as a therapist. I think he might have built me up a bit more then I deserve but I would like to try to help if I could. Suicide is a scary thing for me to think of personally because it is such a permanent thing. I can't fully understand how hard this transition must be for you and how sad you must feel but I can appreciate where you're coming from and can understand how hopeless you must feel. But these feelings and where you are currently is only temporary. I can understand that it can feel like this is just how things are going to be and nothing will get better but in your OP you mentioned that it had. You explained that at some point you were unable to let anyone know that you were transgender. Now you can. So before, when you couldn't approach this topic, I can only imagine that you felt even more hopeless then then you do right now. So there has been improvement even if it is hard to see.

I say this because I think where you are currently is temporary and you are attempting to solve that temporary problem with the most permanent of solutions. And I also believe that that solution is giving up and I think that you can be stronger then that. You've shown strength coming to terms with who you are. You've shown strength admitting that to others. I believe you can continue to grow strong and become a happier person through overcoming these current problems you face. If you need to speak with a therapist then I hope you do. I can understand that money is an issue. If you can, try to get medicaid as it can open up doors for medical, mental, and dental health services. Speak with your local DSHS to try to qualify. If not, look on google to see if you can find a clinic that can offer a sliding fee scale. I don't know where you live but I work at a clinic that does this and I think there are few others so it must be something other clinics do in other states.

I would also look to support forums that specifically help individuals who are transgender. Doing a quick google search I found this site. But I imagine you could find even more through google. This site may not be the best place to talk about such issues.

The other thing that I would do is try to contact or at least follow Carolyn Petit. She's an editor on gamespot who is transgender and likely has the thickest skin on the planet. She would be a great person to learn from and talk to about what you are going through.

I wish you the best of luck.

Posted by HisDudeness

I've hit rock bottom a few times, and I promise it really does get better... You don't have to do it, please reconsider.

Posted by NakAttack

Duder. i have been there. don't do it. check this out before you do anything.

Also, in the words of Jeff Gerstmann,

You have plenty of time to be dead later, don't rush it.

Posted by Wrighteous86

God, I hope the fact that she hasn't posted lately isn't foretelling...

There are other options. There always are. Sometimes it takes talking to someone to see it. You can live the life you want, or close to it. Everyone can, potentially. Don't just give up. Life's unpredictable.

Posted by theguy

Someone message the mods about this thread. I sent a message to Sweep but he's the only one I know.

Posted by JasonR86

@theguy said:

Someone message the mods about this thread. I sent a message to Sweep but he's the only one I know.

What would you have us say?

Posted by ArbitraryWater

I'm going to be super bummed if this ended the way I think it ended despite all of the support from fellow forum-goers. Duder, if you're still there, don't do it.

Posted by theguy

@jasonr86 said:

@theguy said:

Someone message the mods about this thread. I sent a message to Sweep but he's the only one I know.

What would you have us say?

At least draw their attention to this thread. Whether they decide to take action or not this is something they should know about.

Edited by bombedyermom

Depression is the worst. But there are so many wonderful things out there that you haven't experienced yet. Don't give up. Own your mistakes, don't blame them on others. Make up for them. The easy way out is never the right way.

Edited by Jeust

@artemesia: I sympathize with your situation, and I desire all for the best for you. Do what you feel it is the better option.

Posted by mrfluke

I'm going to continue reading, but I thought we all knew you were transgendered...? At least, I did. Kinda weird to be making a big deal out of it here because of that.

Not sure what to say after reading that. I don't know that "don't do it" is really an effective message. "Life will get better" or "there has to be a better way" has always sounded like sweet nothings to me that people who don't understand the person in question's situation say to prevent them from doing something stupid. I feel the same way about "thinking on the bright side."

I will say, however, that it seems that you're stuck thinking about unfulfilled dreams a lot. That, I can say with 100% certainty, we all have. Unfulfilled dreams, are not, in my opinion, a proper basis for doing something as drastic as taking one's own life. "Dreams", I think, are irrelevant and if they don't happen, then they don't happen. Best to come up with new ones or refocus on potential future happiness than be stuck in the past. I hate the past.

It sounds like you've been trying to do the best with your tough situation as you could, and that's great. Because of that, I don't know how much emphasis anyone could place on trying to get out of it or finding alternatives.

Because you've made this decision, there's really no urgency for when you have to do it, right? So, before you kill yourself, I suggest you use common resources such as suicide hotlines, internet forums (like this!), therapists and such to maybe give you a different perspective before you do something that can't be fixed. The best decisions are always those that can be changed.

this is a hard thing to write a response to, but i think this one here is the closest thing i would write so im gonna quote it.

Edited by TyCobb

@theguy said:

@jasonr86 said:

@theguy said:

Someone message the mods about this thread. I sent a message to Sweep but he's the only one I know.

What would you have us say?

At least draw their attention to this thread. Whether they decide to take action or not this is something they should know about.

I am sure they already know about the thread. Notice all the deleted messages. They have been cleaning up asshole posts.

Posted by JasonR86

@theguy said:

@jasonr86 said:

@theguy said:

Someone message the mods about this thread. I sent a message to Sweep but he's the only one I know.

What would you have us say?

At least draw their attention to this thread. Whether they decide to take action or not this is something they should know about.

I'm sure they know.

Posted by Animasta

I'm going to be super bummed if this ended the way I think it ended despite all of the support from fellow forum-goers. Duder, if you're still there, don't do it.

I would assume (and this is a very uneducated assumption) that, due to the mention of not wanting to doing it whilst tired, she's not 100% sure of it.

but again this is just my assumption.

Edited by Wrighteous86

If only there were a way to find out who @artemesia is in real life, so we can call somebody...

Posted by Animasta

@wrighteous86: since she is a premium member, I wouldn't be surprised if the staff were able to get that information.

Posted by Winternet
@theguy said:

Someone message the mods about this thread. I sent a message to Sweep but he's the only one I know.

They have been moderating this thread pretty heavily, so they are aware of it.

Posted by mrfluke
Posted by Nev

I, like everyone else, really hope this isn't too late, but seriously duder, this isn't the way to go about this. I can relate to a lot of what you've posted, and I know it's tough to get through a day feeling like this, but you have to believe shit will get better.

Please, just respond if you're still out there, and remember that if nothing else, this community cares about you, and is here for you.

Posted by Gamer_152

As I see there have been several posts in here about the mod team and the moderation of this thread, we are aware of the existence of this thread. This is a very delicate situation, but I'm largely keeping this open because I think despite a few posts that have not been helpful, the users here are being supportive of Artemesia. If this thread turns south I will not hesitate to lock it, but I doubt that will happen. I may be back soon with a message for Artemesia.

Moderator
Edited by MariachiMacabre

As I see there have been several posts in here about the mod team and the moderation of this thread, we are aware of the existence of this thread. This is a very delicate situation, but I'm largely keeping this open because I think despite a few posts that have not been helpful, the users here are being supportive of Artemesia. If this thread turns south I will not hesitate to lock it, but I doubt that will happen. I may be back soon with a message for Artemesia.

She's a premium member so the staff has her information. Is there any way they can use that to find out where she is and get her some help?

Edited by Video_Game_King

I may be back soon with a message for Artemesia.

The question everybody has right now is "will she?".

Posted by MethodMan008

There is always hope your life will get better.

I'm certainly not in a good spot, but with hard work and hope you can change things.

Please stay.

Edited by Winternet

It's been over 7 hours since the post. If she did just went to bed, as we all hope, then she's probably getting up soon.

I'm getting anxious about this.

Posted by phantomzxro

Hey like everyone else is saying don't do it because you have a future and you have to keep fighting on. Life sucks at times but its never forever and when you do find some friends worth a salt you will be all the better and stronger for it. The many people here who don't want you to do this is only a small part of the world who could have your back. You will find people in person who have the same feelings.

I can not stress anymore to just think this over and read everyone's comment here to realize if these people can care for you, there are people outside the internet who could be just as caring if not more so. You just have to first get professional help and talk this out with a professional. The giant bomb community is not going anywhere ether if you need any kind of support system right now at least. You will need one outside of the internet too but please just cool it on the end stuff until you have time to think about this and get help. Friends are always around the corner so just stay strong.

Edited by Gamer_152

@mariachimacabre said:

@gamer_152 said:

As I see there have been several posts in here about the mod team and the moderation of this thread, we are aware of the existence of this thread. This is a very delicate situation, but I'm largely keeping this open because I think despite a few posts that have not been helpful, the users here are being supportive of Artemesia. If this thread turns south I will not hesitate to lock it, but I doubt that will happen. I may be back soon with a message for Artemesia.

She's a premium member so the staff has her information. Is there any way they can use that to find out where she is and get her some help?

I guess in theory it would be possible. I'm pretty sure nothing like this has happened before, and it would be up to the staff what they wanted to do if anything. I think I'll shoot them a PM about the situation, but even if they can do something, it could be some time from actually PMing them to someone being able to reach the OP.

Moderator
Edited by MariachiMacabre

@mariachimacabre said:

@gamer_152 said:

As I see there have been several posts in here about the mod team and the moderation of this thread, we are aware of the existence of this thread. This is a very delicate situation, but I'm largely keeping this open because I think despite a few posts that have not been helpful, the users here are being supportive of Artemesia. If this thread turns south I will not hesitate to lock it, but I doubt that will happen. I may be back soon with a message for Artemesia.

She's a premium member so the staff has her information. Is there any way they can use that to find out where she is and get her some help?

I guess in theory it would be possible. I'm pretty sure nothing like this has happened before, and it would be up to the staff what they wanted to do if anything. I think I'll shoot them a PM about the situation, but even if they can do something, it could be some time from actually PMing them to someone being able to reach the OP.

I think it's worth a shot if it helps in any way. I'd just put the equivalent of an URGENT sticker on that PM. Whatever that may be.

Posted by Winternet

@mariachimacabre said:

@gamer_152 said:

As I see there have been several posts in here about the mod team and the moderation of this thread, we are aware of the existence of this thread. This is a very delicate situation, but I'm largely keeping this open because I think despite a few posts that have not been helpful, the users here are being supportive of Artemesia. If this thread turns south I will not hesitate to lock it, but I doubt that will happen. I may be back soon with a message for Artemesia.

She's a premium member so the staff has her information. Is there any way they can use that to find out where she is and get her some help?

I guess in theory it would be possible. I'm pretty sure nothing like this has happened before, and it would be up to the staff what they wanted to do if anything. I think I'll shoot them a PM about the situation, but even if they can do something, it could be some time from actually PMing them to someone being able to reach the OP.

I think twitter may work better/faster in this situation? Or e-mail.

Edited by Sweep

Both mods and staff are aware of this thread.

Moderator
Edited by Wrighteous86

@sweep said:

Both mods and staff are aware of this thread.

Thanks for the update Sweep. I think that's all we can do for now.

Posted by GunslingerPanda

Don't kill yourself. Just come to England and get the op on the NHS. Pleeeeease. Don't give up on education too: You seem intelligent, and even if you're not it doesn't matter as long as you work hard at it.

:(

Posted by Sackmanjones

Don't kill yourself. Tha ain't the answer in any situation

Posted by peritus

You sound like a great person, dont give up on life! The world needs people like you, and it will get better because of people like you! Even if it doesn't seem like it now. Please dont!

Posted by 49th

Things will always change. Don't end your life.

Posted by wumbo3000

Another comment from random Internet person may ring hollow, but please don't do this.

And you say you didn't graduate high school? You articulate your thoughts better than most college graduates.

Posted by SirOptimusPrime

@fluxwavez said:

I'm going to continue reading, but I thought we all knew you were transgendered...? At least, I did. Kinda weird to be making a big deal out of it here because of that.

Not sure what to say after reading that. I don't know that "don't do it" is really an effective message. "Life will get better" or "there has to be a better way" has always sounded like sweet nothings to me that people who don't understand the person in question's situation say to prevent them from doing something stupid. I feel the same way about "thinking on the bright side."

I will say, however, that it seems that you're stuck thinking about unfulfilled dreams a lot. That, I can say with 100% certainty, we all have. Unfulfilled dreams, are not, in my opinion, a proper basis for doing something as drastic as taking one's own life. "Dreams", I think, are irrelevant and if they don't happen, then they don't happen. Best to come up with new ones or refocus on potential future happiness than be stuck in the past. I hate the past.

It sounds like you've been trying to do the best with your tough situation as you could, and that's great. Because of that, I don't know how much emphasis anyone could place on trying to get out of it or finding alternatives.

Because you've made this decision, there's really no urgency for when you have to do it, right? So, before you kill yourself, I suggest you use common resources such as suicide hotlines, internet forums (like this!), therapists and such to maybe give you a different perspective before you do something that can't be fixed. The best decisions are always those that can be changed.

@ienkub said:

Please don't do it. you seem to be a generous and caring person. we need more people like you.

i found this on reddit/r/SW/ just now. take five minutes to read it before you do anything, okay?

Please, @artemesia tell me you read those? Please? I know it's not my place to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, what I think is silly or not (and trust me, coming from someone who has contemplated this a few dozen times, it's not silly), or anything like that... but we're here for you and I hope you are reading this right now. I really, really hope so.

Online
Posted by BaneFireLord
Posted by Wikitoups

The Trevor Project is a nationwide organization that provide crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth. http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

"If you need support, please call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386 to speak with a trained volunteer counselor."

Edited by eccentrix

Think about anyone else in a similar situation to yours. Would you have them kill themselves? It doesn't sound like it, you seem like a sensitive and sympathetic person. I'm just asking you to turn that generosity of feeling towards yourself. You have a lot to offer, it'd be a shame to have one fewer good people in the world.

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