By Video_Game_King 40 Comments
(It's that time of year again!) No, not the time of year to make a menstruation joke (that's mid-March, guys), but the time for GOTY deliberations. So what makes this particular GOTY blog different from every other GOTY blog on the site? Besides the banner with me transformed into a goat? Well, the manner of awards. None of that boring bullshit like Best New Series or Most Middling Use of Nolan North. I've got some creative shit, but with a twist: the awards themselves must be from this year. Trust me: it'll make sense once I get into it.
(Are you catching on, yet?) If not, then catch up, damn it. I have 13 more of these fuckers to get through. Anyway, this year has been a bit odd. It took a while for things to get started (if I recall correctly (I'm too lazy to sift through all the blogs I've written this year...again)), but once things got started, they fucking got started. Oddly, though, I know without a doubt what my GOTY will be: not Portal 2, but El Shaddai. Look, I love the idealistic views of Mashy Spike Plate as much as the next guy, but how the fuck can that beat astoundingly solid action gameplay surrounded by a level of crazy that drugs cannot attain? What's that? MMD? I see your Japanese music video program and raise you whatever the fuck this is.
(I should really stop using the word "supposedly" for games I've actually played.) Trust me when I say that I'll fix that later. Anyway, this was also a year in which I played a ton of crap. Let's see, off the top of my head, there was Digital: A Love Story (I think this year has proven that that one person who accused me of bias was full of shit), Dead Rising (how did people consider this a good game?), Dead Moon (FUCK YOU A-, no, I have to hold that back), and even a few games that didn't begin with the letter D! In fact, the game that won this award doesn't even contain the letter D. It's Taboo: The Sixth Sense. Why am I even calling it a game? It's just a shitty fortune teller with some random numbers. Did make for a cool LP, though.
(That picture makes me sad that there will be a day when the staff stops using those pictures.) Anyway (drink every time I use that word), if there's one thing that this year will be known for (at least by me), it will be just how many average games there were. I'd name some, but there are far too many to name. I should know, as I compiled all the scores I handed out this year and determined the average score. I care that much about accuracy. Anyway (drink up), the average is 6.9, so the most average game this year is Lugaru HD. So yea, there's that.
(How the hell can this version be considered considerably worse when it's exactly the same as the game that everybody once loved?) I'll show all those game reviewers out there. Not by actually playing the game, though (I'm not buying a 3DS until Fire Emblem 3DS leaves Japan (I know myself too well)); instead, I'll name a game that actually managed to disappoint me this year. That award goes to Epic Mickey, which managed to disappoint me by not disappointing me in any manner. Ryan Davis, you promised me a two star game; instead, I got a decent platformer that managed to develop Mickey's character extremely well. I want my two st-NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!
(Technically, there are eyes in those boobs, so don't stare at them for too long.) You done? OK, good. Anyway, again, I've something to say regarding this award: this year represented a pretty big shake-up in the world of Renegade Ego. You know how I'm known for blogging about stupidly obscure, old school, Japan only games? Well, somehow, that evolved into "relatively modern games you may have heard of." How long can I keep this up? (For a few more blogs, if we're being realistic.) But to show that I still care about such old school games, the award goes to my sequel to diabetes, a blog that only one person read, thus proving that I do not understand my audience in the slightest. That certainly explains my ill-informed video feature. Speaking of...
(Oh, yea, I forgot that that's not for a few more rewards.) And look at that: our first award where I can't just talk about the relevance it has had to this year, mainly because I can't remember a ton of games that are especially sexy. (I doubt you're willing to prove me wrong.) However, I do remember one game in particular that actually featured The Sexiness himself: The Temple of Elemental Evil, a game that chronicles of a Lunarian albino as he loots everything in sight and wins the heart of a pirate gayer than Tactics Ogre. Can you name a sexier game? I didn't think so.
(Keep in mind that I thought up all these awards before I actually played the games I used for them.) I didn't even think that I'd even play The Binding of Isaac this year, which is probably why it isn't getting this award. Then again, that's also because there were quite a few ugly games to deal with this year. Return to Castle Wolfenstein immediately comes to mind, since it looks exactly like the type of thing you'd see those iCarly rejects playing. (I know I used that joke when I originally blogged about that game, but that spin-off really deserves all the insults I lob in its general direction.) However, it takes a special type of ugly to win this award, and Dead Rising is just that type of ugly. As long as I'm rehashing old jokes: KYLE GASS. BREAST PHYSICS. TAKE THE KNIVES OUT OF YOUR EYES AND JAB THEM BACK IN. YOU MUST MAKE SURE.
(I was going to GIF-ify that, but I don't have a proper GIF-making program or proper levels of insanity.) Anyway, I don't remember too much controversy this year. That's not to say that there weren't controversies, but that there weren't a lot of controversies. But the ones that were there were EFFING HUGE. OK, one of them was, and we all know which one it was: Half-Life. Well, after months of pondering and pondering, I decided to replay it for you guys, and guess what? I have this shiny new review of the game. Just give me a moment to set things up properly. *changes music, transforms into Ninten, heads to the Timeless River* OK, I'm ready.
Gee willickers, I sure do find Half-Life to be a swell game. Wouldn't you know it? You don't just find your health lying on the ground; no sirree bob! You find it planted on the walls! You know what else is nifty-neato? The way all those smart scientist men keep talking to you without stopping the game. Boy howdy, those GI boys didn't pull a single boner when makin' this game! Those commie aliens won't know what hit 'em when y...Look, I can't keep fucking talking like this. It's just reminds me far too much of a time in my life I'd rather forget (you thought your little game of Chicken was scary? Huh? Did ya?). I just hope you got what I was going for: you honestly can't use the past as a blanke- Wait, I just remembered that I'm not gonna turn this into a GIF, like I did two years ago. Well, shit. (Oh, and ignore the top comment on the video. I didn't even look at it when I wrote this out.)
(Oh, and speaking of controversy, this.) Remember that part about me writing these awards long before I actually sat down and wrote this GOTY blog a couple of weeks ago? Well, turns out that in between those two events, Xenoblade Chronicles got announced for America. (I'd replace it with The Last Story or Pandora's Tower, but I'm not taking any chances, especially when that would mean re-Photoshopping this thing.) But still, the pissing off remains. You know what else remains? The pissing off that Nintendo did when they ignored Fire Emblem fans' pleas to release the latest game in America. In fact, they pretty much ignored the hell out of Shin Monshou no Nazo, hoping everybody would forget. I didn't. I'll never forget. Obviously, as a devout Fire Emblem fan, Shin Monshou no Nazo gets the award twenty times over.
(Seriously, fuck you, Waffle!) How can you get in a room with three all-female cats and still be the biggest pussy in the room?! You're not Burt Reynolds; you're a stupidly oblivious piece of shit. You've wasted at least three hours of my life that I'll never get back. I can only hope your life is shortened by at least three hours. And fuck you, too, SpongeBob! How can you expect to be considered likable when your entire premise is "convince your neighbor to kill himself"? Surely, one of those holes is large enough to accommodate a bullet. Is there anybody else who deserves a good "fuck you"? (Don't say "me." It's just too obvious.)
(Well, that was certainly an odd diversion.) But that doesn't mean we're done with the weirdness, because we're in El Shaddai territory. Remember, this is a game where this happened, so clearly, the award winner must be really fucking weird. That probably explains why the winner isn't a game (no game can be as weird as El Shaddai), but rather, a forum moment from a few weeks ago. Three words: Nipples the Enchilada. Somehow, a blog about Assassin's Creed devolved into discussion about lactating Mexican food. You do not disappoint. But speaking of disappointment...
(Wait, I already used that award.) Well, here's this, instead. A rather appropriate award, too, because over the course of this year, I've obtained just about every Humble Indie Bundle possible, and I haven't spent a single penny. That certainly deserves a trophy (preferably a stolen one, given the nature of the accomplishment). Anyway, which one is the indie-est of indie games? Well, I have to go with Aquaria, since although it's not really original, it's certainly better than what it's trying to imitate. Plus while it came out in 2007, it only got notoriety four years later, and only for a fleeting moment. In other words, perfect underground game, which I guess I'm equating with indie-ness. For some reason.
(Hey, it came out this year.) Here, check it out. But what about the trend-setting part? Well, have you noticed that there have been a ton of over-the-shoulder shooters since Resident Evil 4? And they've all played incredibly similarly to Resident Evil 4? And so this portion of the GOTY blog is dedicated to whatever the hell set a big trend this year. Obviously, this goes to my aforementioned Taboo blog, as it spawned two Let's Plays that began with the letter T: that Tail Concerto thing, and The Temple of Elemental Evil. The worst part? I have more of these fuckers planned. Let's just hope that I can talk myself out of something so stupid. (If you've read that far, you know how unlikely that is).
(Deus Ex has good character customization, right?) I wouldn't know. I tried playing Invisible War, but that's not compatible with the 360. Plus it's a terrible idea. Anyway, do I really have to say it? It's Temple of Elemental Evil. There was no fucking contest. How can you compete with a game where you can turn your elfen cleric into a raging lesbian with a single inattentive click? How can any game compete with that? Got any answers there?