Preamble

For those of you that have been following my blogs, you know that for the past three years, I have been penning a yearly series titled "I'm A Star Wars Nerd and..." about updates related to the Star Wars IP in the video game industry. If you have not read those blogs, here are links to my asshole nitpicky musings about Fallen Jedi and my minor annoyances with Squadrons. Likely due to the pandemic, there is no major Star Wars video game to discuss in 2022. Unless there's a groundswell of interest, I do not plan to examine the desiccated husk that is Zynga publishing Star Wars Hunters, which is yet ANOTHER mobile-focused competitive arena combat game. However, that's not to say there is no Star Wars video game news worth discussing this year. There is a cavalcade of Star Wars games in active development. Still, the vast majority have tenuous release dates and are projects that we will not see in the foreseeable future. For example, I am happy that Bit Reactor, a team of former developers that led the XCOM and Civilization franchises, will be making a Star Wars strategy game. I am hopeful that at some point in my life, I can stop jerry-rigging total conversion mods onto Star Wars: Empire at War - Forces of Corruption to scratch my itch for a Star Wars RTS game. However, considering how little we have seen of this game, odds are it is a long way from being something anyone can play.

However, despite a massive agglomeration of new and potentially exciting games to talk about, I want to discuss something old that is getting a highly predictable console port. As many of you are already aware, Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords is coming out for the Nintendo Switch. That alone is not worth discussing, but what is worthy is the subsequent news that Aspyr Media, the team behind previous KOTOR port jobs, will be releasing an "official" version of "The Sith Lords Restored Content Modification" as free DLC on the Switch. This revelation has the Star Wars community jumping to conclusions, especially considering Aspyr is in charge of the PS5 timed exclusive "Remake" of Knights of the Old Republic. If you check social media, you will find dozens of people positing that this might even signify that Aspyr plans to give KOTOR II a similar remake treatment. On the other hand, I have been a part of the vocal minority of Star Wars video game fans asking, "How the fuck are they going to make this work?"

I don't plan on reviewing the "complete" developmental history of KOTOR II, but the long story short is that the game was initially released in an incomplete state with entire character arcs and storylines left unresolved. Obsidian was the original developer and, in post-release interviews, have painted an incredibly bleak picture about their timetables. As mandated by LucasArts Entertainment, the game's original 2005 release date was changed to December 2004 after it demoed well during E3 2004. On top of the excessive amount of cut and dummied content, the PC version launched with a plague of bugs. All of this is to say that the game was good but "problematic" even at the time of its release. Yet, some people believe a single, solitary Switch port with free DLC will magically fix all of this. Not only that, but some are already claiming that this version of the game is somehow going to legitimize the Restored Content Mod and make it a guaranteed part of any future attempts to "possibly" remake KOTOR II. Yeah, let's talk about why all of that is bullshit.

Reason #1: The Cut Content Is Notoriously Unfinished

It's important to note that The Sith Lords Restored Content Modification (i.e., TSLRCM) doesn't promise to provide a complete experience. The minute you find its Steam Workshop page, you'll note the words "unfinished but playable" used. Yes, it should be praised for being a monumental undertaking and is a passion project many years in the making. However, there's no denying that it is still a close, but not exact, facsimile of what Obsidian wanted to make. The source code that the TSLRCM team worked with had whole swaths left in an incomplete state, and the people leading the project were, at several points, forced to fill in the gaps on their own. Sure, they will point to the many interviews they had with the game's original design team to guarantee that what they created would be as authentic as possible. Nonetheless, while it does make the game less buggy and assist some characters in having better story arcs, there are still plenty of rough edges. The transitions between old and restored cutscenes are often abrupt, new dialogue sticks out like a sore thumb, constant hitching bugs are easy to come by, non-shippable crash issues still exist, and the list goes on and on.

Also, this is not an insignificant modification. Making everything in TSLRCM work on a console will be no easy task. That's why I think it's HIGHLY UNLIKELY the Switch port will be getting a complete version of the mod. It would not surprise me if what Aspyr release is only a partial emulation of the mod. Furthermore, there's no way Aspyr will tackle the more incomplete sections of the source code, and they're likely going to highlight the areas they can more easily run through an algorithm. As someone who has been following the Restored Content Mod for a while, I don't blame them. Many are unaware, but TSLRCM is not the first time the KOTOR II mod community attempted to address the cut content in KOTOR II. In 2005, an even more ambitious attempt was made to restore "everything" in the game's source code called The Sith Lords Restoration Project by a group known as "Team Gizka." That group burnt out in approximately one year after Team Gizka discovered the dummied content was far more unfinished than what they anticipated.

If you are going to claim that Aspyr is a professional team that will have more time and better resources to fill in these gaps, I'm not so sure I agree with that. I agree that they are better equipped. Nonetheless, that does not change that the workable source code they would have at their disposal is teeming with game-breaking bugs, non-existent audio, incomplete questlines, and placeholder text for important dialogue choices. Making all of this work with a base game that is already "problematic" would require an enormous team, and there's no way a Switch port of KOTOR II is getting that. Finally, I think some people hyping up this news have forgotten that this is for a Switch port. I can promise you that the portions of this mod, as it stands today, that can pass console certification, can be counted on a single hand. Therefore, unless Aspyr is in it for the long haul, I don't plan to retire my PC KOTOR I and II save data anytime soon.

Reason #2: It Being Free DLC Should Set Expectations Low

Now that you understand why bringing the entire Restored Content Mod to consoles is impractical, let's return to what Aspyr has already promised for their KOTOR II Switch port. Currently, they are promising general bug and gameplay fixes, engine optimization, and major graphical upgrades. Furthermore, the Restored Content "Free DLC" will arrive after the initial Switch release. There is no official word if this DLC is exclusive to the Switch port and if it will ever become available on Aspyr's KOTOR II Xbox or PlayStation releases. They have confirmed that this Switch DLC will NOT replace TSLRCM on the Steam Workshop. Like any video game enthusiast trying to pinch pennies and survive this smoldering hell-pit we call a planet, I will take "free" any day. However, I hope that after the previous section, you understand that a "complete" version of TSLRCM would warrant an absurd budget, and with the DLC being free, that's all but certain not to be the case.

Connected, but if the Switch port were the "definitive" version, instead of a press release about smoothing things over, it would have talked about partnerships with some original team members that worked on KOTOR II. With Obsidian now a wholly-owned subsidiary of Microsoft, that's pretty unlikely unless someone unfurls a fat wad of cash. It's crazy to think, but much of the core team that made KOTOR II is still working at Obsidian. Despite their frequent hardships, people are willing to follow Feargus Urquhart, Chris Parker, and Leonard Boyarsky through thick and thin. The ones that are available to commission to rewrite lines of dialogue aren't going to do it for free. Also, with Chris Avellone rightfully a persona non grata, I don't know if you can rewrite the incomplete lines of dialogue that plague whole parts of the source code without summoning his specter. And what would you want them to do with all of the lines of dialogue that have no voice acting? Even Baldur's Gate: Siege of Dragonspear, which did bring back the original voice talent for nostalgic purposes, was a commercial product with a price tag.

It is also worth noting that even TSLRCM has its limits. The mod currently purports to "fix 500 bugs" present in the base game, but I can attest that there are more than five hundred bugs, glitches, and game-breaking issues in KOTOR II. Bringing the base game to a modern console will NOT be easy in and of itself. While the announcement of "Restored Content DLC" certainly got people's attention, if you review Aspyr's press release, you'll notice that their significant promise is that the Switch version of the base game will be a smooth and relatively bug-free rodeo. That ALONE will require the lion's share of development time and resources from the team working on the Switch port. Likewise, anyone wishing for the "Droid Planet" is fucking crazy! The M4-78 Enhancement Project is separate from TSLRCM for a reason. The workable audio for the M4-78 area left in the code is next to none, with some modders substituting their voices to make up the difference. For example, this kind of shit will not fly in an official video game release unless someone wants to deal with SAG-AFTRA busting their kneecaps.

Reason #3: The KOTOR I Switch Port Wasn't That Great, And Aspyr Are Busy Working On The Knights of the Old Republic Remake

So, you can already buy an Aspyr-led Switch port of KOTOR I. I wouldn't recommend it when there are already other versions of the game that are better and easier to modify. I have played KOTOR I on many different platforms, including an Amazon Fire Tablet, and the Switch port still ranks relatively low. My antipathy primarily stems from one of Aspyr's bizarre design decisions about world navigation and item collection. Each level or room you are in has dozens of interactable elements with chests to open and computer terminals to hack. In almost every version of KOTOR I, when you want to interact with any part of the environment, you move your cursor to it and then click it. With the Switch version, you press the shoulder button to cycle through clickable parts of the environment. As you cycle through your options, you can click one and then watch your character move to that object or item. I fucking HATED THIS SHIT! It was incredibly clunky, but it also removed the mystery of searching environments and discovering hidden goodies.

Admittedly, some of Aspyr's other old Star Wars video game ports have been perfectly acceptable. I thought the Switch version of Star Wars: Republic Commando was an almost perfect way to play the game, and to get off of Star Wars for a bit, I thought their Civilization VI Switch port was AMAZING. Aspyr has done some incredible work, and I don't want to suggest that they are an incapable developer who cannot solve many of the issues I have presented. However, they are already a developer stretching themselves a bit thin. Lost in the mix is the fact that they are the team behind the highly speculated Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic - Remake. If you want to tell me that a Switch port of KOTOR II has development priority over that, then I am willing to call you a fucking crazy person. No rational human being should even jokingly suggest that.

At some point, I plan to issue a second one of these "I'm A Star Wars Nerd And..." blogs for the KOTOR Remake. In the meantime, if getting the Restored Content Mod to pass console certification is an eight out of ten on the difficulty meter, then making a full-fledged Remake of KOTOR I that doesn't piss off fans is a fucking eleven. That game will need a sizable team and a collection of designers to tow a very hazardous line between paying homage to the original and needing to modernize its old-school RPG sensibilities. I'm willing to say right here and now that whatever the KOTOR Remake might be, it will not use D&D 3.5E or even 5E for its combat engine. You are going to get a real-time action RPG combat system, and you are going to like it. If there are skill points and attributes, they will be light and breezy. As much as those last two sentences disappoint me, I have come to terms with them as today's CRPG landscape is considerably different from the one that existed when KOTOR I launched. But even if Aspyr whips up a lazy action-RPG combat system, that will require a ton of design and programming power. Power that they likely do not want to sink into a niche DLC project.

Reason #4: This Isn't New News (i.e., Aspyr Have Bootstrapped The Restored Content Mod To Previous KOTOR II Ports)

We now turn our attention to the reporting of Aspyr's supposed sudden loving embrace of TSLRCM with their recently announced Switch port. I have to admit to getting a little peeved when I saw recognizable video game publications extol surprise that Aspyr even admitted to the existence of TSLRCM. If you go to their company website and try to buy a KOTOR II PC key, you'll notice that they straight-up TELL YOU to download TSLRCM. Them supporting the project is not new news. Aspyr has been in charge of porting classic Star Wars titles and updating digital-only releases of those titles since 2015. One of the first things they did when they secured the rights to update KOTOR II's Steam release was to announce Steam Workshop support. Months before they made Workshop support official, they contacted the team behind TSLRCM and assured them that they wanted the project to be compatible. When the mod team stated they were unfamiliar with the ins and outs of the Steam Workshop system, Aspyr taught them how to use the platform and even offered their QA team for additional support.

When the TSLRCM team attempted to develop the mod for iOS and Android, Aspyr helped them. Because of Aspyr, this mod has come to non-PC platforms, and its arrival on the Nintendo Switch is not that surprising. Aspyr has done TSLRCM a solid for over seven years. However, to return to the topic of alternate platforms getting mod support, I think you get a better idea of what is in store for this Switch release. With the mobile edition of TSLRCM, they started with a fraction of the PC mod and then worked from there. Aspyr laid the groundwork, assisted in the QA process, and eventually handed things over to a small team of modders. That will be difficult on the Switch, but it wouldn't be impossible. Aspyr has the clearance to publish things on the Switch online store. You could reasonably assume they might hand over their tools to a group of designers and programmers they can trust since they have been working with them unofficially for over seven years.

I don't know how there can be THIS MUCH EVIDENCE of Aspyr working with a mod community, AND YET people are acting like they don't know what the future will hold. This Switch port will have a small bite-sized chunk of a massive fan project that barely works as-is, and they have done so at least once before. What the fuck are people thinking when they take to YouTube and speculate that this is a prophecy of a future direction for the KOTOR Remake? However, none of my pessimism should take away from the one undeniable positive thing to note about this news. Simply having some version of TSLRCM on a console is a huge step for that modding community and will bring even more attention to it. Maybe the Switch version of TSLRCM only has one-sixteenth of the content of its PC counterpart. Even in that case, a non-zero number of people become aware of its existence in the first place by sheer virtue of it existing somewhere outside of the PC. That alone is worth a little bit of excitement.

Author's Note: Here are links to previous episodes of this series:

• Episode 1: The Dig
• Episode 2: Atlantis: The Lost Tales
• Episode 3: Loom
• Episode 4: Drowned God
• Episode 5a: Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis Part 1 & Episode 5b: Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis - Part 2

Additionally, this episode was commissioned by @jeffrud

Preamble

Well, it was bound to happen. I knew there would come a day when I would play an FMV game as part of this series. However, I thought maybe The 7th Guest, The Beast Within: A Gabriel Knight Mystery, or Roberta Williams' Phantasmagoria would kick things off instead of The Journeyman Project. Yet, here we are, and I don't know if I am that bummed about it! The Journeyman Project has an exciting and wild story that spans multiple games and is more interested in showcasing thrilling action-based set-pieces than a cavalcade of brain teasers for MIT graduates. It also has a bit of an intriguing backstory worth reviewing before assessing its puzzles. The rendition I played, and the most readily available version on the internet, is The Journeyman Project: Pegasus Prime. This game is a remake of the original "The Journeyman Project" and features new puzzles and real-time actors from The Journeyman Project 2: Buried in Time. The original game is more of an FMV experience like Sewer Shark or Night Trap, where the player inputs simple commands to change the cinematic video they are watching. The Journeyman Project: Pegasus Prime is an FMV adventure game with many of the same set-pieces as the original but improved graphics and additional puzzles to make it play more like The 7th Guest or The Beast Within.

The differences between the original and its remake are not cosmetic. However, both games were significant technical achievements in graphical and audio fidelity upon their releases. The rise and fall of Presto Studios, the developer behind The Journeyman Project series, also mimics that of Sierra Online, Cyan, and Cryo Interactive Entertainment. They rode the adventure game "Golden Age" to meteoric heights with each game they produced. And when the PC market for adventure games bottomed out, the studio closed its doors after an ill-fated attempt at console game development. Some studio heads still run the company but do so on a limited basis, and all the company does nowadays is port classic titles to modern platforms and mobile devices. When I get to The Journeyman Project 3, I plan to discuss the franchise's largely incomplete nature and unaddressed storylines. Regardless, it is one of the more "accessible" FMV adventure games from the 90s, and its heady aspirations make for a unique experience I cannot dismiss as flippantly as something like Night Trap.

However, I have to admit that the structure of The Journeyman Project is a bit on the wonky side. The game only has seven locations, with some taking as little as ten to fifteen minutes to complete. I rather sloppily played the game for a charity stream and was able to see its credits after about seven hours. I probably could have finished the game in five if it had not been for my exhaustion and total misunderstanding about a specific puzzle we will discuss shortly. The game gets its "mileage" by requiring you to hop back and forth between locations to progress the story. However, as is usually the case with FMV adventure games like this one, the signposting on what you need to do or pick up is absolute dogshit. In one notorious case, you will go to a symposium where there's a chest with a lock on it but will only be able to open it if you remember to pick up a crowbar at a different location. In another case, you need to teleport to a new area to pick up an oxygen tank, and that's all you can do there for three to five hours. Again, for those unaccustomed to 90s-era FMV adventure games, it's not for the faint of heart, but Pegasus Prime is undoubtedly not alone in how it plays. With all of that in mind, let's talk about some puzzles!

Caldoria Part 1

Getting Ready For Work - 4/10 - Things in The Journeyman Project start interestingly enough. Your player character wakes up to a claxon alarm and listens to a message from a co-worker that they are late to work. A delegation of aliens has arrived, and all of the officers of the Temporal Security Agency (i.e., TSA) are on an away mission, and your character is needed ASAP. However, before players make a beeline to their workplace, they first need to gather up an assortment of curiosities in their apartment if they hope to complete the game. The necessary interactions players need to have in the apartment include:

1. Fiddling with a drawer to get a keyring to their workplace.
2. Using a food replicator to spawn a glass of orange juice and keeping the glass after gulping down the beverage.
3. Operating a device in their apartment called the Environ System to watch a required cutscene summarizing the significance of the alien delegation.

None of these items are marked, and the game is more than happy to let you progress without them in your possession which can lead to weird mid and late-game fail states. You can have other "fun" ancillary interactions in the apartment that are not required to complete the game, like reviewing phone messages from your girlfriend and using the game's idea of virtual reality.

This sort of design "breaks" 90s-era adventure games for many. Now, I am a bit of an apologist for adventure games of this ilk, but there's no denying that reaching a mid-game checkpoint and not being able to progress any further because you forgot to pick up a trinket twenty screens ago sucks shit. Nonetheless, the apologist in me kicks into gear a bit because checking every screen for goodies and clicking everything visible was something you just did. If this site allows people to defend "Tank Controls" in Resident Evil 4 or any PS2 Japanese horror game, then I don't want to eat crow over this point. It's something you did whenever you played an adventure game on the PC. So, I'm giving this an average score at best.

Finding The Transporter To The TSA Office - 3/10 - Once outside your apartment, you need to find a teleportation pod that can immediately take you to the TSA office. You can find this transporter in the apartment lobby, which you get to by using a poorly marked elevator. However, the transporter requires the keyring from your drawer, so you will not progress to the next level if you lack it. Again, your mileage here will depend on how much you enjoy first-person PC adventure game exploration circa Myst. The transporter is tucked away in an alcove, but the in-game map and signposting are miles better than what you usually see in a game of this type. The only "tough" part of this sequence involves finding the key in your apartment in a non-descript drawer and knowing to use it on the transporter. Luckily, the transporter tells you EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE MISSING when it refuses to send you to your office. That alone makes me incredibly hesitant to get too critical here. On top of that, the game cordons off most of the city. Suppose you decide to get off script and explore the apartment complex. You are rewarded with exciting worldbuilding and context clues about the visiting alien delegation, but you can't get too off track. Trust me, parts of this game are worth excoriating, but this isn't one of them.

TSA Part 1

Re-Educating Yourself On The TSA Procedures - 4.5/10 - Fun fact: you die if you stay in the transporter for more than five minutes. The game warns you about this every time you use it, and I find it hilarious that the game is not joking. Nonetheless, when you enter the TSA headquarters, your co-worker accosts you for being late, a state you cannot prevent even if you play the game hyper efficiently. You are allowed to wander the building to learn more about what the TSA does. I strongly recommend consulting the "Hall of Suspects" for some fun worldbuilding. Eventually, your boss gets ahold of you, chastizes you for your frequent tardiness, and revokes your status as a time cop. To get your privileges back, you need to find your office and use a monitor to review the bureau's protocols. This task might not sound like much, but exploring the hallways of the TSA HQ sucks. The building has tons of dead ends, and most hallways look identical. It is worth noting that if you fail to remember any of the tutorial's information about the procedures for time travel, you could be in a bit of a bind. For example, you get a "Game Over" if you fail to jump-start a mission within ten minutes.

Preparing Your First Time Leap - 5/10 - Oh, did I forget to mention you are a time cop that corrects imperfections in the space-time continuum? I probably should have started with that in my introduction. Regardless, as is par for the course, the minute you begin to assume your duties, a time corruption is detected, and you are assigned to repair it. Before starting this task, you must first collect a handful of trinkets that will allow you to operate all of the machines at your disposal. I never said The Journeyman Project was the most ambitious game of its type. The time limit during this sequence results in a jump in difficulty compared to previous fetch quests. As mentioned in the last section, you lose if you fail to gather all necessary items and initiate the mission within ten minutes.

There are other design quibbles to mention as well. First, you need to navigate to the opposite end of the corridor and find a room with no intelligible markings. While there, you need to pick up a mission chip from a panel, and it, too, is tricky to see the first time. If you fail to pick up this biochip, the time machine will fail to boot up the correct temporal anomaly. Second, you need to generate a bio-suit to survive the time travel process. The two panels to acquire this item look the same and require you to approach them in a particular direction and angle. When an elevator plops you near the time travel machine, it takes six clicks to reach its door and three clicks to enter the pilot's chair. It's clunky, and the game still has a timer running while you struggle with some of these mechanics. Fiddling around with the time machine counts towards your timer as well, and the UI for plotting a course isn't great, either. Overall, it's some 90s-era adventure gaming bullshit!

Prehistoric Island

Finding The Prehistory Anomaly - 3/10 - HOT DAMN, I wish more of The Journeyman Project involved exploring exotic locations like the Triassic Period. Someone or something has planted alien technology on Earth during the time of the dinosaurs. This level was my favorite in the game, and it is a damn shame it only lasts about ten minutes, and that's being generous. First, you need to find a power generator in a cave and flick a switch on it to power up a nearby bridge. After activating the bridge, you follow a cliff to cross a chasm. Once on the other side, you need to use your "Journeyman Key" from earlier to unlock a box that contains a disc. After gathering this cache, you must select your "Pegasus Chip" and click "Recall" to return to the TSA HQ.

There are only a handful of levels to explore, but the game provides you with two hours to exhaust all of your options. The environment is structured almost like a corn maze, but with the bonus of instant-death-causing hazards. For example, you can investigate a cave that turns out to be a T-Rex nest, and the mother of the hatchlings is NOT HAPPY to see you. For these sorts of environmental hazards, the game warns you that something might be up if you don't leave. There are sillier and crueler death scenarios worth reporting as well. When you reach the edge of a cliff, the game allows you to click forward, resulting in your character falling to their death. Beyond these traps, the only other difficulty worth remarking upon involves identifying and collecting things and warping back to home base. It takes some practice to know what the items in your inventory do, especially the bio-chips. The steps involved with jumping back to the TSA HQ are equally obtuse and confusing. Nonetheless, it's a fun level with a sense of urgency without feeling overbearing.

TSA Part 2

Dealing With The Security Droids - 3/10 - SURPRISE! Your boss is a part of a secret cabal to sabotage humanity's attempts to reach out to aliens because he's an anti-alien space racist. As a result, he shuts down your efforts to correct any other temporal quirks. Luckily for all involved, the game's version of Cortana chimes in and overrides his orders. However, to thwart you from making any further progress, he sends a couple of droids to guard the door out of your current room. If you attempt to exit to use the time machine, you will be shot dead. Using your AI companion, you can hack the TSA's security system and order the droids to cover a different room. This sequence got me, but not for the reasons you might think. I knew the robots were guarding the door, but your AI lady-friend says, "I have assumed control of the security system," and I thought that meant the coast was clear. Lo and behold, you need to open up your inventory, access the world map, and click on the part of the map away from the time machine to send the drones there. I will never know why this extra step was added to the game. Nevertheless, after fucking up once, I completed the puzzle in less than three minutes.

Identifying And Calibrating The Three Major Temporal Destinations - 3/10 (possibly higher) - I enjoy the storytelling here more than anything else. When using a terminal, you can compare the altered and unaltered timelines and learn more about what is at stake. Likewise, the game does a decent job of front-loading your upcoming levels. Nonetheless, there is one odd quibble I need to raise. While the process of queuing up your resources and plotting a course are fiddly and more involved than they should be, the fundamental problem that makes or breaks this game begins here. Despite all the hand-waving and suggestions that this game has an "open world," the opposite is true. There is a correct order in which you tackle NORAD, the Morimoto Colony, and the WSC.

If you do not follow this unspoken optimal path, you will quickly bump into dead ends. On top of that, each location will require at least TWO visits as actions in the other two areas will open up barriers, roadblocks, doors, or walls ten to twenty levels removed from one another. This structure wouldn't be as big of a deal-breaker for some if hopping between areas and getting to where you need to go weren't a laborious process. But it is, and that's why I have a hard time recommending this game even if I overall had a more than worthwhile time with it. On top of that, we haven't scratched the surface of what FMV adventure game bullshit it has in store for you.

WSC Part 1

Creating An Antidote - 7/10 - An android that is part of the conspiracy to keep humanity isolated shoots you with a dart that happens to be filled with a lethal neurotoxin. Unbeknownst to them, you have warped into a medical lab with all the materials needed to create an antidote. The first step involves taking the dart and analyzing it using a medical device in the room. After identifying the toxin, you need to operate a different device to create the molecules needed to synthesize the antidote. What plays out is a game of memory wherein the game shows a synthetic compound on the screen, and you need to select three base molecules to mimic what is on the terminal. The base pairs are randomized between playthroughs, and the game requires you to complete this task three times, with each subsequent molecule being more complex than the last. It's not an impossible task, but it is made ten times harder due to a time limit. Likewise, the android shooting you every time you enter this specific location is silly. I appreciate that the antidote is a permanent fixture in your inventory, and you don't need to continue remaking it. Regardless, it's a definite jump in difficulty that comes out of nowhere.

Getting To Dr. Sinclair's Office - 5/10 - After dealing with the alien neurotoxin, you need to whisk your time cop to the office of Dr. Sinclair, the "father of time travel." The problem here is the same one found in other time travel stories: you cannot allow people in the past to see you. As a result, if you manage to cross paths with any scientists at the laboratory, it results in an instant "Game Over." To make matters worse, the hallway you navigate is a maze with poorly marked repeating green doors that are all but impossible to tell apart. The game throws you one bone in that your AI companion warns you if there's an incoming person. When you reach Sinclair's office, you need to use the correct keycard to enter and collect information that incriminates Sinclair with the evil cabal. Like your apartment, the "puzzle" here involves exploring a room and clicking everything until you find the right items or audio logs to continue the story. The one kicker here is an assault rifle that explicitly connects Sinclair to the conspiracy, but it turns out to be a red herring, and if you attempt to leave with it, you get arrested. It's a dick move when the game has a constant AI companion bark at you to "collect any and all evidence of illegal activities."

Identifying The Physical Anomaly - 4/10 - With enough information on Dr. Sinclair, it's time to find the first physical anomaly. This mission involves leaving Sinclair's office, navigating the same repeating and looping office building, and locating a bomb on a random statue. The first complication is that the occurrence of random normies that can catch you is even higher than before. While the sculpture is only a few screens away, you need to wait ten to twenty seconds for the coast to be clear, making it last far longer. Speaking of which, the statue is predictably poorly marked and difficult to find. Your usually helpful AI companion will chime that there are three or four statues in the entire complex but will not provide any further clarification as to where to look for the bomb or if you are getting closer to it. It's a pain to find, and worse, this is the first example of a roadblock that you cannot progress until AFTER you pick up a separate item in a different area. To call this puzzle frustrating is more than apt.

Mars Colony Part 1

Finding The Morimoto Access Card - 3/10 - Welcome to Mars! To be more specific, the "Morimoto Martian Colony" because do you remember in the 1990s when the United States thought that Japan was the most significant economic threat to its place in the global theater? YUP! A Japanese Zaibatsu managed to develop a Martian colony before any other nation, but it is currently at the mercy of an android named Ares. You'll even cross this android at least once at the Martian colony, but, for whatever reason, it doesn't murder you on the spot though it will identify you as a TSA agent. Plot convenience? It sure looks like it! Regardless, when it comes to your first go at Mars, your mission is to pick up three essential items: an access card, a Power Crowbar, and an oxygen mask. You pick up the first of these by finding a non-descript receptionist desk and pilfering a coffer. The only tricky part involves the handful of instant death-delivering traps. Every room in the Mars colony, including where you pick up the access card, has at least one door leading to security guards that immediately waste you. Other than these traps, which your AI companion does warn you about, getting the access card is a simple pixel hunt.

Using The Maintenance Transport - 4/10 - Now we have what I would hazard to call the game's first "real" puzzle. After picking up the access card, you need to mosey your way down to a nearby shuttle dock. However, before you turn on the transportation system, you should observe a nearby map that indicates which turns and forks are under construction and which ones are safe to navigate. It's far from the most complex puzzle, considering you simply need to jot down if you need to turn left or right, but it's finally something more than navigating to a location and clicking everything until you pick up an item. Oh, and using the shuttle is some good old-fashioned FMV goodness! The entire sequence plays EXACTLY LIKE every other FMV vehicle sequence (i.e., Sewer Shark, Wirehead, Fox Hunt, etc.), where the fast-moving action boils down to simple mouse clicks. Much like those examples I listed, if you are off by even a second during this sequence, you will die and need to restart. Otherwise, it's one of those puzzles that once you write down the answer or play it once, it's never a problem ever again.

Remembering To Pick Up The Oxygen Mask - 5/10 - I struggle to call this a puzzle, but this one item is so essential to progressing the story that I felt I needed to include it. Similarly, you need to pick up a Power Crowbar in the shuttle if you wish to deal with that bomb from earlier. The third and final item you need to locate is an oxygen mask. As you approach it, you need to be careful not to run into Ares; otherwise, he'll kill you this time. Luckily for you, your AI friend yells at you not to proceed until they give you the okay to keep moving. Once the coast is clear, you'll notice an empty oxygen tank. You need to pick this up, but you will have to fill it at a different location. Doing so is incredibly important, as the next room will immediately kill you unless you have a steady oxygen supply. The issue with this design decision on the part of Presto is that you have no idea where the appropriate filling station might exist. Unless you have been swapping between levels willy-nilly, it is easy to lose track of where the filling station exists (i.e., NORAD). As a result, I'll rate this a bit higher than some of the other fetch quests in the game, but not much more.

Norad Part 1

Filling Your Canisters - 2/10 - Remember when I warned you that the sequencing in this game is all over the place? Well, your first folly at NORAD is a perfect example. You can "technically" progress further if you want, but unless you tie up things at the WSC symposium, you'll subject yourself to another harsh vehicle sequence with nothing to show for it. Accordingly, during your first visit to NORAD, all you need to do is fill your nitrogen, oxygen, and argon canisters. You have to be quick as an android uses a terminal to begin pumping poison into the air using the ventilation system. There is a way for you to stop the sleeping gas from being pumped through the ventilation system, but I don't bother until my second visit. However, the good news is that dealing with this is a simple flick of the switch. If you attempt to do more of this environment, you will be greeted with a brick wall that will not budge until you complete at least one other level. Overall, other than my grousing about the story's structure, this "puzzle" is benign.

The WSC Part 2

Using The Power Crowbar On the Temporal Anachronism - 1/10 - First off, the fact you need to continue using the antidote whenever you enter the WSC is silly. Otherwise, all you need to do is get to the temporal anachronism that you couldn't resolve earlier and use the Power Crowbar on it to open the door to the next part of the level. The corridor leading up to the anomaly still has scientists that can result in a Game Over if they catch you, but other than that, this is a "Gear Check" puzzle and nothing else. You either have the required item to progress further, or you don't.

Stopping The Sniper - 4/10 - It is worth noting that the "meat and potatoes" of the second half of the WSC is watching a debate between two scientists. It provides some clues as to who the driving forces are in the plot and the game's antagonists. Nonetheless, a scientist sniper shoots you almost immediately after you open the door. This "scientist" is an android sleeper agent and needs to be stopped before they assassinate the scientist who convinces humanity to open up to other galactic civilizations. Finding the assassin is a bit difficult because, as has been the case before, some doors and corridors immediately end your game. Instead, you navigate a few dark rooms before you encounter a green organic door that opens up to the sniper as they are about to pull their trigger. Rather annoyingly, this is a timed sequence, and the game doesn't provide clues as to which items or parts of the environment you can use to stop the assassination attempt. You have about ten seconds to stop the sniper, and clicking on them with nothing in your hands results in them shooting you before they return to their target.

If there is one positive spin I can take with this puzzle, it is that I appreciate how there are two possible solutions. You can freeze the android without killing it using your Argon canister for those who wish to play the game as a pacifist. Conversely, you can also murder them by clicking on a flickering cable to electrocute them. Beyond the time constraint, the only quibble I have involves the inordinate items the game gives you whenever you deal with one of the androids. When the game provides the starting biochips, it does a decent job explaining what they do and how they will assist in your journey. With the newer ones, you pick them up and have to figure out how they impact the game through trial-and-error.

Norad Part 2

Preparing The Submarine - 4/10 - The second part of NORAD is the most extensive individual level in The Journeyman Project. Here, the game also spends the lion's share of its production budget. With an adequately filled oxygen tank, your first task is to deal with the poison being pumped through the ventilation system. You can either use the gas and intake machine or activate a filter on your mask. Next, you need to click on a panel to adjust the pressure in an air-tight room. When it is equal to the pressure in your current space, you can descend to a submarine bay. From here, you enter a control room and interact with a terminal to initiate the launch preparations for a submarine. Nothing here is particularly hard, per se, but you need to do things in an exact sequence or otherwise risk getting stuck. It's also another set-piece where you look at computer terminals more than anything else.

The Submarine Vehicle Sequence - 5/10 - I know The Journeyman Project predates Star Wars: Rebel Assault and Tomcat Alley by a not-insignificant amount, but HOT DAMN, does this sequence reek of "peak Sega CD energy!" Much like those examples mentioned above, when you begin piloting the submarine, your craft is attacked at pre-determined times, and you need to decide if you want to turn left or right to avoid taking damage. If you take too many hits, it is "Game Over," and you will have to restart the entire sequence. Hilariously enough, the correct answer here is to select "Left" for all but one of the attacks. Even then, your submarine can take a few hits before it explodes. After reading this blog, if you decide to play this game, always pick "Left" when using the submarine. It's a largely asinine vehicle sequence that perfectly embodies a weird tangent the video game industry went towards during the early 90s before it realized it was making a horrible mistake. Otherwise, I'll give it an average score for looking flashy but controlling like trash.

Stopping Nuclear Missiles - 6/10 - After you manage to park the submarine in the next facility, you discover that an evil android named "Poseidon" has hacked NORAD and queued up a salvo of nuclear missiles to destroy the world. To avoid a nuclear holocaust, you must manually track and stop these missiles from calibrating onto their targets. You will accomplish this task by listening to a computer announcing the name of a target nation and then using a 3D hologram of planet Earth to click its capital city. There is a time limit to make matters worse, and you only regain a nominal amount of time whenever you select the correct location. If you struggle with world geography, this "puzzle," if we can call it that, is a real pain in the ass. Beyond that, there are real accessibility issues with this puzzle. The globe you click is light blue, and the nodes you select are not well distinguished from the rest of the map. If you have color blindness, I would guess this puzzle is all but impossible.

Dealing With Or Killing Poseidon - 5/10 - Like the last time you dealt with an alien robot, there are two possible ways you can go about beating them. You can either take the "violent" route, which in this case involves depressurizing the room Poseidon is in, causing him to explode. Or, you can take the non-violent option, which uses a control panel and a claw to trap Poseidon and knock him about until he becomes unconscious. The second of these is the more challenging option as there are multiple inputs you need to select, and if you pick even a single incorrect one, the android will break free and kill you. The easier violent route is hard to figure out because it has been a while since you last used the pressurization system. Either way, you collect a handful of biochips, with the most notable of them being the shield chip which will make the following sequence considerably easier. All in all, it's not impossible, and I appreciate there being two pathways for the player.

Mars Colony Part 2

The Shield Generator Sequence - 9/10 - Talk about a jump in difficulty! After providing a relatively breezy experience, your second go at the Martian Colony is where The Journeyman Project decides to kick your ass. I will skip over the fact that you need to pay heed to the same traps and shuttle sequence from earlier. Where things ramp-up is when you reach a door you could not open when you were last at Mars. When you unlock this door, you discover that the Shield Generator absorbs your biosuit energy six times faster than average. If you complete the NORAD level before attempting this one, which you should, you can use the Shield Biochip to lower that to three times the standard rate. You will need that extra time because the puzzles you are about to interact with are total bullshit. The first involves using a platform to find a central terminal on the shield generator. There are at least a dozen possible locations to check, and if you don't locate it quickly, you can end up in a fail state because the following two puzzles require a minimum amount of time for you to be able to solve them. When you first locate the right spot, you need to use your nitrogen canister to freeze a lock and then use your Power Crowbar to break the lock. You need to be quick because the nitrogen will wear off after about fifteen seconds, and if that happens, you need to drag your ass back to the canister filling machine in NORAD.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Once you find the central terminal, you need to use a panel to select "Run Diagnostics" on the generator and then "Analyze" when you detect a bomb. If you attempt to remove the bomb instead of selecting "Attempt Circuit Link," you fucking DIE! When you link the diagnostics system with the detonator, you play a game of Mastermind to defuse the bomb. The only complication is that in this version of Mastermind, the game tells you how many correct inputs you have made but not where those valid inputs are. So, if you plug in four random colors and the game tells you that you have made two correct selections, you have no idea which colors are in the right spot. I fucking hated this shit, especially when the game provides a final five-color version of this puzzle. As expected, if you fail the second or third phases of the Mastermind puzzle, you start back at the entrance of the shield generator.

For most of you reading this entry, you might be wondering why I gave this a nine instead of a ten. Despite its overwhelmingly Byzantine nature on paper, I knew what I needed to do at the shield generator. There were many tricky parts, but it wasn't impossible to figure out what the game wanted me to do. When I started exploring the generator, I knew what I needed to find. When freezing the lock, I immediately guessed that I would need to use the crowbar. When the bomb prompted its version of Mastermind, I knew what that would entail. The issue here IS NOT poor signposting, which I usually reward with a ten. The problem here is that the game has a punishing time constraint and a ton of instant death scenarios. And even then, the game's bullshit is still manageable. Getting to the game's ending at this point isn't impossible; it's just a matter of if you think this sort of gameplay is worth tolerating.

The Underground Labyrinth - 9/10 - If you have been following this series since its inception, you know I hate maze puzzles in adventure games. The primary reason for my distaste is that they come across as the laziest shit. That's mainly the case here and then some. After thwarting Ares' evil plot, they attempt to make a getaway. The only way to follow them is by navigating an underground maze populated by mining robots. Some of these robots are window-dressing, and others are lethal. The good news about the latter of those is that you can navigate away from them without immediately triggering a "Game Over." When you find the exit, you need to use an elevator and remember to pressurize the next room before jumping into a spaceship to chase Ares.

This maze is particularly annoying for a handful of reasons. The first of these annoyances presents itself at the very start. To begin the chase sequence, you need to backtrack back to the Oxygen Room and then put on your mask before you open a door you have yet to use. You have thirty real minutes with a full oxygen tank, but that will not be enough time if you don't know where you are going. As a result, you'll also want to have the Map Biochip activated so that your movements fill in a map on the lower portion of your screen. This tool is only partially helpful because you still do not know what you are trying to find or what exactly represents the maze's exit. It doesn't help that the proper route out of the maze is a serpentine one involving ducking around hostile enemies that you think you should avoid. It's also easy to get lost and run around in circles and not know it. I would rank the shield generator above the maze in terms of difficulty, but the maze is far less interesting.

Chasing The Alien Spaceship - 6/10 - You have essentially reached The Journeyman Project's homestretch after surviving the underground maze. However, it is also time for the game's FINAL FMV-based vehicle sequence! After witnessing Ares jumping into a spaceship and flying away, you must leap into a nearby ship and follow suit. There are two parts to this chase sequence. The first involves following Ares, ducking around hazards, and then clicking a hyperspace warp into the planet's upper atmosphere. The last step of that puzzle wasn't immediately apparent to me, and it took at least seven loops before I realized what I needed to do. The second phase involves you either destroying or disabling Ares' ship before it blows up an alien emissary. If you elect to destroy Ares, you blast him away with your lasers. If you want to go the pacifist route, you still shoot at him, but when his shields become exhausted, you instead use a tractor beam to pull him towards you.

Either way, Ares attacks you by dropping space junk your way and returning volleys of blaster bolts. Again, this entire sequence reeks of every FMV game released on the Sega CD, for better or for worse. Luckily, this particular vehicle level isn't as tricky as the one involving the shuttle or submarine. Dodging the canyon spires is an impressive visual, and when you reach space, it plays exactly like Rebel Assault. Nonetheless, the controls are not all that intuitive, and knowing when to stop shooting Ares if you want to go the pacifist route isn't well communicated to the player. Also, that ramp in the first part still pisses me off. If you miss it, you have to survive the entire canyon loop AGAIN, which takes two solid minutes! It does not help that the warp ramp is only present on the screen for about ten seconds. Finicky is the best way to describe this entire level.

Caldoria Part 2

Stopping The Final Assassination Attempt - 6/10 - The game immediately teleports you to the present after you defeat the last android. Baldwin, your shitty boss from earlier, congratulates you but relays that Dr. Sinclair is still on the loose. You need to explore the starting hub world for Sinclair before he does something to jeopardize the pending peace treaty humanity is signing with the alien emissaries from the start of the game. To find Sinclair, you need to return to your apartment complex and take an elevator to the top floor. Eventually, you will find a door that leads to the roof, but Sinclair has locked it. You use the Bomb Biochip you found on Mars to get past this roadblock. While on the top of the building, you have about three minutes to stop Sinclair from shooting anyone. Nevertheless, if you get too close, he will attack you. Instead, you sneak up on him while hiding behind some trees and then use a stun gun.

The words "wild goose chase" come to mind when I look at this set piece. You know you need to go back to the apartment complex from the start of the game, but because every door looks the same, it is tough finding the right door to blow up. Once you get to the top, figuring out which items to use on Sinclair and where to use them is no easy task. Likewise, finding the correct vantage point to attack Sinclair is annoying. There is precisely one correct screen and knowing how to get to it isn't clear. It's far from the most challenging puzzle the game presents you, but it isn't the easiest either.

Defusing The Bomb (i.e., The Connect-The-Dots Puzzles) - 7/10 - With Sinclair out cold, you discover that he rigged a nuclear bomb to go off to sabotage the peace treaty signing should his sniping attempt fail. When you attempt to hack the bomb, you find that you can diffuse it if you are able to connect a series of nodes without crossing your cursor over a previously drawn line. Similarly, there's a time limit. This puzzle clearly shows that the developers ran out of ideas when they got to the end of the game. After The Journeyman Project showcases a smattering of unique and engaging locals and a handful of creative action set pieces, it makes you play a series of connect-the-dots puzzles. There are six puzzles in total, and as you might expect, they get increasingly harder. I got these puzzles in a single go because I swear I have seen these particular patterns in other adventure games. Otherwise, the puzzles are manageable but occasionally frustrating.

Should You Play The Journeyman Project 1: Pegasus Prime (Answer: Sure, But Only If You Have It In Your Heart To Tolerate FMV-Bullshitery)

Many of you enjoyed Vinny's FMV escapades on Giant Bomb and continue to follow his FMV adventures on Nextlander. I have even seen some of you chime in during one of Vinny's Nextlander FMV streams, asking where to start if you are interested in experiencing a "classic" FMV game. If you honestly want to go back to the oldies, I can think of no better game than The Journeyman Project 1: Pegasus Prime. The Steam and GOG versions are smooth and relatively bug-free and usually on sale whenever either platform makes one of their seasonal sales. The game is more involved than most FMV adventure games from the 90s, which leads to a better playing experience. Furthermore, The Journeyman Project has a crazy story that goes places and sands off most of, but not all, the rough edges associated with old-school FMV games. If any of the tasks seem too harsh, there's an "Easy Mode" toggle that instantly solves any puzzle or sequence in the game.

However, there's no denying that the game is not without fault. This game is not for you if you have any aversions to trial-and-error gameplay or backtracking. Even if it provides more interactivity than most FMV adventure games, it still relies on pixel hunting and random item collection to carry most of its gameplay. Likewise, there comes the point when the game loses steam. The back half of the game is far less exciting and compelling than the first half, and the introductions of its primary set pieces are more awe-inspiring than your second rodeos in them. And there are parts of the game that are no fun to play. Knowing which items or Biochips to use can take you a while to figure out if you do not have a guide on standby. The game's open-ended format is both one of its most fascinating conceits as well as its most significant stumbling block. It is incredibly easy to get stuck in this game and not know what you need to do next.

That grousing aside, The Journeyman Project: Pegasus Prime is a one-of-a-kind experience. Presto Studios aimed for the stars with this game and succeeded for the most part. It would also behoove me not to mention how the second and third games in this trilogy don't just refine the concepts and ideas of this game but honestly push the envelope of what games did at the time. While FMV games from the 90s normally induce sneers, there's no denying the historical significance of The Journeyman Project and what it pioneered for PC gaming. Even if you have no interest in the game, I think we can all at least agree that this series becoming forgotten is somewhat of a shame. The franchise was and still is a technological marvel that bleeds ambition even if it doesn't use its effusive excitement in the most productive manner.

Stop Cyberbullying Me!

For those of you who have been on the Giant Bomb Discord or Twitter, you know the surrounding Giant Bomb Community has been dunking on me for my "eccentric" food preferences and tastes. Among my many "sins," determined by the internet food police, is my insistence that you can use Ranch Dressing as a replacement for marinara or traditional pizza sauce as a base on a pizza. Other things that can "apparently" get me thrown into food jail include my use of ketchup in pasta sauces and my secret "Salsa Marinara" recipe, where I make pico de gallo, blend it, and cook it down to make a pasta sauce. As you might suspect, I will no longer stand for this cyberbullying. I believe in freedom and will use this blog to show this community the pure deliciousness of Ranch Pizza!

Step #1: Pre-Made Pizza Dough Is Legit

Fuck making dough from scratch! The pre-made pizza dough that you can buy in most grocery stores is just as good and far easier to work with than homemade pizza dough. After getting this dough, find a pizza tray and grease it with whatever oil-based substance you want. I prefer to use olive oil, but if you're going to slather Crisco on that thing, go ahead! I'm not your daddy! Because I wanted to piss off the pizza purists, I used a rectangular baking sheet instead of a circular one. Again, I believe in freedom.

Step #2: Buy High-Quality Ranch Dressing

As chefs often say, when a recipe calls for wine: cook with something you are willing to drink. The same sentiment applies to the Ranch Dressing you will be using on this pizza pie. Your body deserves something better than Hidden Valley, but I'm not judging you if that's all you got. Shit, we've all been there! You're hungry, and all you have is salad mix that is two days past the sell-by date, withered carrots, and Hidden Valley Ranch! If it gets the job done, who am I to judge?

Nonetheless, a Ranch Pizza will require a dressing with a higher "proof" than your standard sauce. Therefore, I recommend you splurge and get an artisanal variety of Ranch for this recipe. You want something to permeate the dough and survive the baking process. That's why you should look for a thicker sauce than most "big brand" dressings.

Step #3: Use About Half The Bottle (No, Seriously)

Yup, you read that right! You will be using AT LEAST half of that bottle of Ranch Dressing for this pizza. Unlike tomato or cream-based pizza sauces, Ranch will evaporate, and its tangy flavor will become muted if you do not use the appropriate amount of dressing for this pie. Whatever amount you think you will use, you are going to need to double that for your pizza. Think of this like when you are cooking spinach. When you cook spinach, there's that moment right at the start of the cooking process where it looks like you used too much, but two minutes in, you realize that's not the case. That's how you need to treat Ranch Dressing as a pizza base. Drench that fucking dough!

Step #4: Load That Pie Up TO THE CEILING With Toppings!

Fuck it; if you are already using Ranch Dressing for a pizza base, why pull back on toppings? In my case, I used sausage, sauteed onions, mozzarella, pepperoni, black olives, and shredded Parmesan. I like to do a second layer of cheese after putting on meat and vegetables, but not as much as the first layer. I want there to be enough cheese to crisp up and get crunchy but not enough to become a cheese soup like a Chicago-style pizza casserole. Also, certain meats pair with Ranch better than others. A ubiquitous pairing involves bacon and grilled chicken, which I highly recommend to Ranch Pizza novices.

Step #5: Cook The Pizza

Preheat and bake at 400°F. Please don't ask me for a time. You have to judge that one by how it looks and feels. I prefer my pizzas crispy. To me, the best pizza is one that has a crust that snaps like a cracker. That wasn't the case with the one I made in this blog, but you are the shepherd of your pizza's texture.

Step #6: Serve With A Salad And Enjoy

Trust me; you are going to love this pie. I recommend eating this pizza with a lightly dressed salad because at least one thing on your plate should be "healthy." While your arteries might be screaming as they read this blog, your taste buds are bound to be jumping for joy!

Stand With Freedom Make A Pizza Using Ranch!

Again, I hope my picture blog proves that I am not wavering as I deal with the full brunt of the internet. I support good-tasting food and freedom. With this website addressing the anti-Pineapple bias by pizza snobs, I hope we can create an aura of positivity regarding Ranch Pizza.

Author's Note: This blog is the second part of a two-part series. If you missed the previous episode, here's the link to it:

• The Quest For The Worst Adventure Game Puzzles - Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis (Part 1: Act I & Wits Path)

Also, here are links to previous episodes of this series not related to Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis:

• Episode 1: The Dig
• Episode 2: Atlantis: The Lost Tales
• Episode 3: Loom
• Episode 4: Drowned God

Team Path

Getting The Mask From Omar - 5/10 - The game's Team Path has the same starting locations (i.e., Algiers and Monte Carlo) as the Wits Path, but the tasks at each environment are different. With this route, you drop by Algiers to pick up a mask at Omar's shop before heading back to Monte Carlo to play a trick on Dr. Trottier. The issue here is the same one I had with the Wits Path. The game has a "correct" order with its locations, but it tells you nothing. However, the situation here is a bit more nefarious as you need to pick up exactly one item in Algiers before heading to Monte Carlo. The problem is that the mask you need to pick up almost perfectly blends into the background of Omar's store. This sequence is a pure pixel-hunt and nothing more. Veterans of this game are likely to breeze through it, but first-timers will likely get stuck hence, why this scene was one of the game's most common reasons for people calling the LucasArts Tip Line when it first came out.

Finding And Convincing Trottier to Get In The Hotel- 4/10 - After your brief errand in Algiers, you need to track down Dr. Trottier just as you do in the Wits Path. You can talk to the NPCs coming out of the hotel to build a profile on Trottier, or you can try to spot him as his character model is not randomized. As was when you needed to track down Trottier during the Wits Path, locating him and answering his multiple-choice question, while not hard, is punishing. One wrong answer, and you have to do the entire puzzle over again. Also, he does not like it when you are boastful, which can prematurely end your conversations with him. Still, this isn't too hard; it's just annoying.

Sophia's Séance And Stealing The Sunstone From Trottier - 6/10 - With Trottier in the hotel room, the player has the option of doing things Sophia's way, which is to play out a séance and try to read Trottier's mind or to go things Indy's route and scare the shit out of him. I want to say that I appreciate how there are two possible ways to get Trottier to give up the Sunstone. Unfortunately, Sophia's way sucks shit. If you choose to go with Sophia, you have to answer a series of multiple-choice questions where a single wrong answer fails the entire sequence. The issue is that Trottier never tells you when you have provided a wrong answer. Thus, it is hard to tell which question or questions you got wrong. For Indy's solution, I hate how his sequence is a timed mission. I forgot to pick up the flashlight and the bed cover before hitting the fuse box and failed the task the first time I played it. Also, Indy's solution requires you to combine and use items while it is dark, and it's not the best feeling experience. Nonetheless, Indy's solution is significantly more manageable and less frustrating than Sophia's.

Getting the Squab-On-A-Stick And Trading With Omar - 5/10 - Ah, yes, this puzzle is probably one of the most notorious parts of the game. Indy and Sophia need to get to the dig site at Algiers, but this time will need a ticket to the nearby balloon service. The only person in the city willing to part with a pass is a starving beggar who says they will help if Indy can get him something to eat. With this information, you play a game of telephone between Omar and a grocer. You start by trading the mask from earlier to Omar for a random item and need to check with the grocer if you have the correct thing to get his food. The issue is that what the grocer wants is randomly selected, and Omar has a treasure trove of junk. This puzzle is not challenging, but it is tedious and takes forever to complete, especially if you do not know how to speed up the process. Mercifully, the grocer starts to provide hints about if you are getting closer to delivering the item he wants. Unfortunately, it could take ten to twelve tries before you get your first hint. Luckily, you will EVENTUALLY get to the solution. So, this puzzle is not impossible; it's just a waste of your goddamn time.

Getting The Knife Using Sophia - 3/10 - When you cash in your ticket for a balloon ride, Indy and Sophia discover the balloon is tied to a post to prevent it from flying away. If they wish to use the make-shift blimp to explore the desert, they will need some sharp object to cut the rope. As a result, you need to meet up with a knife thrower in the marketplace and use Sophia as part of their act. The only tricky step to this puzzle is the small window to push Sophia to trigger the cutscene that progresses the story. Correspondingly, this is one of the few times when you need to use verbs on Sophia to solve a puzzle. Many people who play this game often get stuck thinking they need to use an item on Sophia. Otherwise, it's a fun, albeit sexist, moment.

Hot Air Balloon Desert Sequence - 6/10 - As I said in the previous episode, the balloon controls like garbage. Its turning radius is wide, and that's a real issue during this sequence because you need to land on remote nomad camps to collect hints on whether or not you are getting closer to the dig site. The problem is that many of the nomad camps are on the corners of the map, and it is tough to turn fast enough while descending without accidentally transitioning to the next screen or landing on a random desert tile. Luckily, nothing here kills you or resets your progress, as was the case during the Wits Path, but this balloon is still way more frustrating than Indy using a camel. I would not call this "impossible," but it is yet another example of LucasArts' SCUMM engine trying to do things it is not 100% capable of doing reliably.

Turning On The Generator - 4/10 - This puzzle is almost the same as the Wits Path version. So, I'll copy my notes from the Wits Path: I like this puzzle. I understand that it is another pixel hunt, and finding the cap on the generator is the hardest part. However, I respect how the darkened screen slowly gets easier to see the longer you spend in the dark. I can't help but be impressed at this example of graphical fidelity in a game made in 1992. Additionally, it is one of the few times when the Touch command feels entirely justified. Overall, I thought this was a well-designed puzzle.

Finding The Mural For The Sunstone - 3/10 - You need to examine a crumbling wall and then use a ship rib to break apart the façade to reveal a mural. Upon discovering the mural, you need to place a peg in its center. Usually, I would not judge a simple "gather all of your items" sequence. Still, this one is problematic because finding the crumbling wall is a bit difficult because its textures blend with the background. Likewise, knowing to use the ship rib instead of other items in your inventory can be a bit of a leap. Nothing too hard, but some steps here can make first playthroughs a chore.

Using the Sunstone on The Mural - 3/10 - Same as with every stone wheel puzzle, the passages in "The Lost Dialogues" make sense once you understand their conventions, but trying to decode what they mean the first time can be a harrowing experience. Nonetheless, as long as you use the same save across multiple playthroughs, the passages are the same.

Finding The Moonstone at Crete - 10/10 - Good GOD! Where do I even begin? After landing on Crete and finding an excavation site, Indy and Sophia must explore dozens of rooms until they discover one with a compass with bull horns. Next, they need to find hidden statues of a bull's head and tail among the ruins. After tracking these down, they need to map the objects using a surveying tool to mark a spot on the dig site to find where the Moonstone is buried. Right off the bat, this puzzle is randomized. Upon entering the excavation site, you need to explore rooms and find one with a mural depicting an abstract compass. Finding a room can be quick or laborious, depending on your luck. Later, you need to have Indy and Sophia explore the exterior of the excavation site and find two stones with statues depicting a bull's head and tail. This part of the puzzle is frustrating as locating the rocks is arduous because it is often tough to tell them apart from the ancient ruins. I found one of the statues quickly but failed to find the second because the stone with the second statue looked like a random pillar. So, I skipped it and got stuck for a solid seven minutes.

The final part of the puzzle is the most infamous: using the surveying tool. Here you need to meticulously align your crosshairs with the horns in the middle of the map while using the tools on each statue's head. However, the signposting here is poor, and the level of pixel perfection you need to have is incredibly maddening. There were a few times when I thought I had the solution but didn't because I was off by a nano-pixel. Overall, this puzzle has an almost fatal amount of randomization and pixel-hunting in its adventure game cocktail.

The Statues In The Labyrinth - 5/10 - Oh, great, it's the same Zelda pressure plate puzzle from the Wits Path! However, at least you have some excellent interplay between Sophia and Indy to break things up from time to time. Again, instead of finding an object to replace the weight of the three statues, which seems like it SHOULD be the solution, you need to use your whip on the last remaining statue in the subsequent screen. While it isn't the most complex puzzle in the game, it is one where there's a distinct step that can be hard to remember. The last time you needed to use the whip to solve a puzzle was way back in the jungle at Tikal.

The Minotaur Statue and Elevator - 5/10 - Indy and Sophia discover a pressure plate next to a giant minotaur statue in the next room. The pressure plate is the key to turning on an ancient elevator. To get the elevator to turn on, you will need to place Indy and Sophia in the correct spots. Getting Sophia to move to the right location is aggravating. I wish the companion directions were more explicit on where you can direct them. Getting back up is a silly but tricky sequence. Knowing to go up the waterfall with Indy and then using the whip on the minotaur statue might stump some newcomers. However, the back-and-forth between Indy and Sophia during this sequence is simply the best.

Getting the Golden Box - 5/10 - If Indy hopes to complete the Labyrinth of Knossos once and for all, he will need to find a golden box. Once again, just knowing where you need to go in the labyrinth is a chore. Using the busts on the shelf to open a door is simple enough, but the many doors that lead to dead-ends or red herrings are endlessly frustrating. The "real" puzzle involves the wedge holding the counterbalance on the elevator. After the two previous puzzles, I thought you would need to use the whip again. Instead, you use Sternhart's staff, which you will need to use on a later statue head. It is also worth mentioning how hard it is to tell what parts of the screen are the background or foreground due to the environment's greyscale nature, which results in a pixel-hunt-rich experience.

The Amber Fish Puzzle - 3/10 - As was the case in the Wits Path, Indy needs to use a device to detect hidden pieces of orichalcum and a secret passageway. This sequence is far easier than using the comb in the Wits Path. Everything is already assembled, and Indy even signposts what you need to do, making this a fun character moment between Indy and Sophia. The same could be said about the last scene wherein Indy needs to push Sophia through a small hole. Overall, just a fun moment only bumped up because the screens you navigate are excessively monotonous.

Using The Sunstone, Moonstone, and Worldstone in the Map Room - 2/10 - At this point, using the stones feels automatic. All I will say is that, yet again, the sections of the notes that are your hints are not the best. They are abstract enough to where I feel you may as well just brute force the puzzle if you don't want to use a guide. Still, it's "doable."

Getting To The Submarine - 2/10 - Right on the heels of Sophia and Indy solving the map room, a Nazi soldier spoils things. After pointing a gun at Indy, he kidnaps Sophia and takes the stones. Locked in a dungeon, Indy needs to find a way out and catch the German U-Boat before it leaves. Dealing with Kerner locking you in a room is easy because there is a marked wall to use the ship's rib on, and the game has already asked you to use the ship rib to dig through dirt. There is a dialogue sequence with an elderly captain when you reach the submarine. He's an easy opponent, and entering the sub is pretty straightforward. I also feel like it is worth mentioning that this is the point when you can die on the Team Path. For example, Kerner will kill Indy if you refuse to give him the stones.

Getting The Stones From The Lockbox - 5.5/10 - With Sophia locked away and Indy dressed in a questionable uniform, you discover Indy is in incredibly hostile territory. First, you will need to rescue Sophia before making an effort to recover the stones. This task requires Indy to use an intercom to move the submarine's crew to a different location before picking up a mug. With that in tow, you meet up with Sophia and knock out the guard blocking her way. After completing this task, the duo will need to overhear a conversation between Ubermann and Kerner before learning which lockbox contains the stones. With this information, Indy will need to use the mug from earlier to collect battery acid and pour the acid on the vault to get them back.

While involved, this submarine sequence is far easier than its Wits Path counterpart. Foremost, while confusing at first, using the intercom is pretty easy, and breaking the lever, while shocking, doesn't immediately hurt your progress. It can be frustrating fanning through your options and not knowing where you are moving the sub's crew. However, it is only something you need to do once or twice. Picking up the ceramic mug, on the other hand, is a bit tricky because it is difficult to locate in the kitchen. The bread and cold cuts, which do not help you progress the story, are far easier to find and click than the mug. Finally, there is an option when dealing with Sophia's guard that results in a Game Over.

Furthermore, listening to Kerner and the doctor to find the lockbox is oddly punishing. You have to be in a specific room and in a particular spot to start their conversation. Equally precise is when you need to use the ceramic mug on a nondescript leaking engine to collect battery acid. This step is the most challenging part of the puzzle and can result in aimless wandering in the submarine. The area where you find the leaking battery acid isn't that obvious. At the very least, the game does not make this a timed mission. So, there's that.

Piloting The Submarine - 9/10 - Like the other vehicles in the game, the submarine controls like absolute dogshit! The good news is that Sophia is free, and you have the stones. All that needs to be done now is for Indy to park the submarine in an underwater dock. Unfortunately, the controls to the U-boat are fucked, and you will need to find items to fix them. There are also FOUR controls you need to worry about when using the sub. These are 1) the depth control lever, 2) the steering wheel, 3) the reverse switch, and 4) the speed lever. The steering wheel requires a key to unlock it, and the control lever needs repairs. With the submarine in tip-top shape, you need to find the dock whose location is randomized among a dozen possible options. However, the submarine will need to be at a specific distance, angle, and depth to dock.

There's so much about this sequence that drove me crazy. First, the game doesn't tell you what any of the switches do. Second, for the buttons that need to be fixed, it's not immediately clear what you need to use to improve them. Once all the controls are up and running, using them is incredibly exasperating. The issue is that you need to experiment to know what the different inputs do. For example, it took me a while to realize you need to alternate with the steering wheel to bring the sub closer to the screen instead of holding the wheel longer. Third, the switch that allows you to back the U-boat up is very picky, and knowing if your approach is close enough or too far away is impossible. I will say that this is something that after you solve it once, it gets easier, but for your first time doing it, the sub is slow, meandering, and unresponsive in the worst way possible. Oh, and I forgot to mention that because the placement of the airlock is randomized, some stations are far harder than others. The ones located at the center of the screen are especially onerous.

Act III

Opening The Door to The Outer Ring - 5/10 - Here's another puzzle in the dark. Like the previous puzzles lacking light, the screen becomes easier to see as you spend more time on the level. Finding the ladder to go up the platform is easy, but knowing where to put it takes trial and error. Finding the magical rod in the box is easier, but knowing that you need to use a bead on the rod is a bit of a stretch, especially considering that you have spots to place the rod, which seems more logical than using it to light up the room. Finally, knowing that you need to reverse the stones can be tricky as the hint in the book is vague enough to where you might not know what to do. For those that do not remember, this is the one time when you need to invert your regular stone positions by 180 degrees. I will say that once you know what you need to do, you'll never forget the solution.

Item Collection in The Outer Ring & Using The Grates (Structure) - 8/10 - I'm sorry, but while I think the inner city of Atlantis is beautiful and the music is fantastic, the first part of the city of Atlantis sucks shit. Due to the randomized placement of the required items, checking every room in the Outer Ring is all but required. While some may counter that you do not need to explore all of the rooms, I would disagree. The maze-like structure is a pain to navigate, and locating the specific rooms with grates to story-required items is downright infuriating. Worse, the grates can be challenging to tell apart from the standard wall textures. The Nazi guards respawn, making this the hardest level in the game if you are not great at the combat engine. Also, the Outer Ring does a TERRIBLE JOB of cluing you into the necessary items you need for the later rings.

I have other issues with how the Outer Ring is designed. The game never communicates how many beads you will need in the Middle Ring. If you are playing this blind, it is frustrating when you realize you have run out and need to go back. The spoked wheel and bronze gear are both found in random rooms and are incredibly easy to miss, given they perfectly blend into the backgrounds they are located. Similarly, the robot part you need to pick up in the dungeon is tiny. Finally, navigating and returning to non-named rooms is awful, especially if you have missed a grate or item. The part that always gets me is remembering to pick up the spoked wheel in the Machine Room after you have finished making orichalcum. For whatever reason, Indy does not pick this part up automatically as he does with other story-required items.

The Machine Room - 6/10 - To use the bead-making machine, you need to collect a spoked wheel which is randomly placed in an unmarked room in the Outer Ring. This task is downright evil as the spoked wheel is in a pile of nondescript broken-down robot parts. Also, the spot where you need to place the wheel is not easy to find or locate, given how enormous and intricate the machine is, and other parts of the mechanism are equally difficult to identify. For example, it's a bit tough to find the funnel for the lava. Speaking of lava, the only part of this puzzle worth getting angry about is how annoying it is going back and forth between the lava and machine rooms to make enough beads for later parts of the game. If you are playing this game blind, the game does not signpost you enough that you should probably make more than one batch of beads. The walk of shame you may need to make if you waste your beads in the Middle Ring is a real bummer.

The Crab Room - 4/10 - Ah, yes, getting crabs! Everyone's favorite part of Fate of Atlantis! In the Outer Ring, there is a room that constantly spawns crabs. It is here you will need to catch a crab using a snare made from a skeleton for a future puzzle. First, you need to find a ribcage, and knowing that the outermost part of the environment has the subway is not clear. It also does not help that there is more than one possible location where the subway with the skeleton can be found. Getting rations from a Nazi will force some players to engage in combat, but luckily you can use any food-based item from your inventory if you still have them. Nonetheless, like the rest of the Outer Ring, there's a lot of backtracking, which is not a great time. That said, capturing a crab isn't all that demanding once you set up the trap.

The Lava Room - 5/10 - Similar to the Machine and Sentry Room, what makes this more complicated than the other rooms is an item you need to find in an unmarked room with a grate. As these rooms are randomized, this can either be a quick process or a long process. The one added annoyance is that the statue head and metal cup need to be placed in a specific order when you attempt to collect the lava. You need to place the cup down first and then put the statue head in the proper slot. Other than that, I am boosting this score because of the amount of backtracking required.

The Statue Room - 2/10 - This room is probably the easiest in the Outer Ring as all you need to do is cross a chasm and collect a cup. The statue on the other side is color-coordinated enough, so finding the cup is not impossible, and you only need to use one item, which you already have to cross the gap (i.e., the ladder). As a result, it's easy enough to figure out on your own.

The Sentry Room - 7/10 - Finding the eel figurine to make this room cooperate sucks. You first need to explore every room in the Outer Ring while fending off Nazi guards. As mentioned earlier, this structure is problematic because the rooms accessible using grates are easy to miss. For this puzzle, the eel statue itself is easy to locate once you find the correct room as it is colored in a blue texture that is easy to tell apart from the background. However, knowing how to use the eel figurine or even which room it connects to is a leap of logic. In this case, before you can open a door, you need to remove a pond in front of it. The game needs you to combine a bead with the eel statue, which will cause the water to evaporate. However, the game does not tell you this is the logical pathway for the figurine. Also, if you do what most do when you encounter the wall, which is to use a bead on the fish head, you will waste your resources, which will cause you to need to go back and make more beads. So, overall, it is a problematic item combination puzzle with poor signposting and even trickier item collection and verb usage.

The Dungeon - YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY/10 - The fight with Fritz is among the most brutal combat sequences in the game, and at the very least, I want to praise the game for providing a puzzle alternative. If you defeat Fritz without using the statue, you are a better person than me. Given that the puzzle is a bone the game is throwing you, I can't get that angry that the statue does not immediately leap out as something you can use. Nonetheless, knowing that there is a puzzle solution to fighting Fritz is pretty hard to figure out on your own, even if you accept that using beads on everything is what this part of Atlantis usually entails.

Using the Crab Ship & Opening The Gates In The Canal - 4/10 - The crab flotilla is when the Atlantis sequence starts to lose me for a bit. You'll need to feed a sea monster using the crab you picked up earlier. Next, Indy hops on a crab-shaped float, powers it using an orichalcum bead (I HOPE YOU HAVE PLENTY OF THOSE), and pilots it through a canal. Nevertheless, Indy will bump up against a gate whenever he reaches the end of a screen. To open these gates, you will need to use the Sunstone, Moonstone, and Worldstone. However, you will not need to slide the stones around to match symbols this time around. Instead, you need to check the correct stone with the matching-sized circle at the top of the gate. For example, the large plaque you first encounter requires the Sunstone, and the smaller one furthest away from the entrance uses the Worldstone.

Did you know that you can leave the stones in the airlock and get to this part of Atlantis and need to drag Indy's ass all the way back to the entrance? I KNOW THIS SITUATION FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE! In my defense, this is the ONE LEVEL where Indy does not pick up the stones automatically. Luckily, telling apart which spindles coincide with which stones you have isn't too demanding as the gates are placed in a pattern of big-medium-small and vice versa. As you travel down the canal, the crescent-shaped gear can be easy to miss, and the cupboard, which the game designs as a hint, needs to be closed before it shows you a pattern used to solve the next puzzle.

The Statue, Gears, And Chain Puzzle - 9/10 - This puzzle is where many players end up having to drag their asses back to the first level of Atlantis to make a new batch of orichalcum. It is worth mentioning that the game provides one clue on how to solve the statue mechanism puzzle. As Indy pilots the crab boat, he will see a staircase to a largely empty room. It is there he will pick up a crescent-shaped gear but will also observe a schematic of an Atlantean device. Eventually, Indy will make his way to the end of a hallway where he finds a broken-down robot, and it matches the schematic from earlier. The key here is to play around with the crescent gear inside the guts of the statue to make its arms move, so it tears down a stone wall. This task involves removing the gears already in the robot, placing the crescent-shaped gear on the rightmost two pegs inside it, returning the previous gears to their prior locations, and using an orichalcum bead to turn on the statue. You will end up wasting several beads if you are off by even a centimeter with any of these parts. Furthermore, you have to attach the statue's arms to chains so the mechanism can tear down the wall. If this explanation sounds longwinded and involved, that is because this puzzle is very much that.

When I did this the first time, I completely forgot to attach the chains to the arms of the statue and ended up wasting a bunch of my beads as a result. Because you can use your beads like crazy if you do not know what you are doing, this specific puzzle can fuck you over, as the machine room is pretty far away if you want to use it. Once you attach the chains, putting the gears in the correct order is a tall task because the "hint" from the previous cupboard doesn't exactly do the best job of telling which part goes where or the correct order of the gears. Likewise, needing to trigger the statue twice, one for each arm, was an annoying and unnecessary step. Overall it's a complex series of steps with an end goal that doesn't seem that clear to the player. Oh, AND I HOPE YOU REMEMBER TO PICK UP THE LADDER FROM THE AIRLOCK!

Getting Sophia - 3/10 - While not too troublesome, backtracking to get Sophia is not a fun escapade. From where you are at, going back to the dungeon is a royal pain in the ass, and with the Nazi guards still roaming about, it also takes up a non-insignificant amount of time, even if you are sucker punching. The worst part is how you need to remember to pick up the metal bar from the robot as it is a critical story item for a later puzzle, and if you forget to pick it up after saving Sophia, that's a real shame. Again, the actual puzzle is fine, but its structure is what kills it for me.

Getting Rid Of Nur-Ab-Sal - 3/10 - When you enter the first part of the Middle Ring, Sophia becomes fully possessed by an evil devil spirit. As a result, it is time to perform an exorcism. To accomplish this feat, you need to approach Sophia, ask to examine her necklace, and use an orichalcum bead on it until it makes a horrible face. This turn of events causes Sophia to scream in pain, and it is during this brief window, that Indy will need to use the gold box on the necklace. Doing so traps Nur-Ab-Sal, but you will need to destroy the box before continuing. So, Indy tosses it into a pit of lava and ends our sub-plot involving Nur-Ab-Sal.

The only step here that could get players is if they have run out of beads, and as I said before, that's a bummer. You have the option to leave Sophia behind, but as this leads to the "bad" ending, it is only something done by speedrunners. Otherwise, you need to observe Sophia, which is a bit odd considering that it seems like you should use an item on her. Likewise, using a bead on the mouth of the necklace is a bit finicky, and the timing to use the golden box can be harsh. Otherwise, it is a simple sequence and one I strongly recommend people do, given its story significance.

Piloting The Digging Vehicle - 5/10 - After dealing with Nur-Ab-Sal, Indy and Sophia explore the rest of the hall in the Middle Ring. Eventually, they find a large vehicle and can turn it on using a bead. When the machine powers up, Indy will need to manipulate three slots to get it to turn into a wall to reach the Inner Ring. To accomplish this task, you will need to use a stick from Nur-Ab-Sal's tomb and a pin from the robot. Using these items, you need to set each slot to the appropriate level for the vehicle to crash and dig through the wall.

Again, if you don't have a bead, it sure sucks going back to the start of the level to make another set. Driving the machine is a total pain in the ass, but at least it is not a timed puzzle. HOWEVER, if you forgot the pin in the dungeon after picking up Sophia, you dun fucked up. The scepter in the throne room is also easy to miss, as the bones in the foreground and background make it hard to locate. You can observe parts on the wall when directing the machine to know when to set the slots to the appropriate levels. However, it is pretty easy to start the vehicle and not know what the Hell you need to do to get it to stop spinning around in circles. Luckily, putting the levers in the correct slots and having them at the right positions can be brute-forced.

The Inner Ring Door Maze - 9/10 - I don't know what it was with LucasArts and door-based mazes, but tons of their games from this era have at least one. Fate of Atlantis is not immune and features one of the worst examples I have ever seen. As is always the case with these puzzles, you need to pick the correct series of doors to continue the game. In this case, it is a seven-step process with plenty of traps that can set up back a step or two. By the way, the level loops, making it way harder than it needs to be. Worse, a handful of doors lead to dead-ends making it tough to get your bearings straight. Finally, it is a seven-door sequence, and the doors do not have numbers or markers. Thus, you cannot even track your progress easily. To add insult to injury, the final exit isn't visible, so you don't know where the game wants you to go in the first place.

Lava Crossing - 6/10 - Hey, it's time for a game of "THE FLOOR IS LAVA!" The gimmick here is that there is exactly one solution to each possible attempt to cross the lava. The one dick move is that you will die if you stay too long on any tile. Every time you cross the lava, there is a different winning combo. Unlike the previous maze puzzle, at least the end is right there in front of you. However, luck makes it almost as unfun. Additionally, this puzzle resets, and you cannot simply use memory to get through it.

Turning On The Colossus Using The Stones - 10/10 - With the end in sight, Indy and Sophia enter the final chamber of Atlantis. If you were wondering, this puzzle is your last chance to get Sophia before the game commits you to the bad ending where she dies. Regardless, at the center of the final room is a spindle where Indy can place the Sunstone, Moonstone, and Worldstone. However, none of the previous combinations work. Instead, the game needs you to scan a mural three screens ago, and it is only there where you will observe an alignment of patterns unique to this central spindle. To which I say, "fuck that shit!" If this final puzzle had been on a "special" page of "The Lost Dialogue," that would have been one thing. Instead, you backtrack to a mural even before the door maze! Needing to do the lava puzzle and even remembering the correct door exits is a terrible experience! Furthermore, how the fuck were you supposed to know where to find the mural? I had to look it up, but nothing in the notes or even the environment pointed me to the location of this mural.

The Final Dialogue Sequence With Kerner - 6/10 - It's time to trick the evil Nazis using your intuition! First, you will need to screw over Kerner by convincing Ubermann to use one orichalcum bead instead of ten. This mistake will turn Kerner into a goblin, and then your attention can focus on Ubermann. As much as I like using dialogue prompts to beat enemies, the nuance of what the game wants you to pick is opaque and confusing. You need to point out Plato's error and turn Kerner into a mutant for the first choice. For the last dialogue section, you need to delay Ubermann rather than give him an amount or encourage him to use the machine, which is the opposite of what you did for the first sequence. Again, the scenario is not impossible but still tricky. Also, one incorrect choice immediately ending your game is a bit harsh.

Should You Play Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis? (Verdict: Yes, 100%)

It's weird to look at this retrospective and notice how one might think I dislike Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis. However, despite some niggling problems with how the game pushes the boundaries of the SCUMM engine and other questionable design decisions, there's no denying its place as a gold standard for the genre. Even if the Indiana Jones name holds no cache with you, this game is still worth experiencing. For something designed in the early 1990s, its production values and epic storytelling are astounding. Its riveting sense of adventure still holds up remarkably well and features a perfect blend of comedic and serious dialogue. I would even say that the version of Indiana Jones you get in the game is a more fully-fleshed "character" than some of the mainline movies bearing his namesake.

Nonetheless, there is bullshit to stomach with any playthrough, regardless of your route. The vehicle-based sequences are clunky and time-consuming, and there are multiple leaps of logic when performing more complex tasks. I laud Fate of Atlantis for having all of the ambition a game of its type could have at the time, but it also stretches its format and formula to the breaking point. If ever there is a game that pleads the case for LucasArts to begin exploring other gameplay systems beyond the SCUMM engine, this is it. Other companies and titles within LucasArts' wheelhouse (i.e., Loom) were already deconstructing the genre's conventions, and I cannot help but think Fate of Atlantis would have benefited from more experimentation rather than heel digging.

Nonetheless, I can only lament the game not being something it was never going to be for so long. It is a work of art and an indisputable high-water mark for an entire company and genre. If you have yet to play Fate of Atlantis, I cannot recommend it enough. You owe it to yourself to play the game to understand better why people across age groups and national borders hold this era of LucasArts and adventure games in such high esteem. The obvious next question is which of the three routes you should attempt first if you have yet to play the game. While my heart tells me to recommend the Wits Path as it is more my preference, there's no denying that the Team Path is the more accessible and conventional LucasArts experience. If you come to old-school adventure games seeking playful dialogue and punctuated humor, Team Path is the obvious choice. Likewise, while Wits Path is the more cerebral route for those who enjoy puzzles, Team's up-tempo pacing is bound to be more approachable to those who are less accustomed to adventure games from this era.

Author's Note: Here are links to previous episodes of this series:

• Episode 1: The Dig
• Episode 2: Atlantis: The Lost Tales
• Episode 3: Loom
• Episode 4: Drowned God

Preamble

Ask any fan of LucasArts' adventure games to name their favorite title, and most reply with one of three possible answers. The usual suspects are:

1. A Monkey Island title (1 through 3 are acceptable)
2. Grim Fandango
3. Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis

The first two of these answers need no introduction as they have become canonical holy texts in the annals of adventure game history. Lost, however, is Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, a game I think deserves more credit for setting gold standards and pushing the envelope of the genre. If you want a game that perfectly encapsulates why LucasArts was the doyenne of the genre for as long as they were, Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis is "Exhibit A." Its production values are astounding, with an awe-inspiring kaleidoscope of vastly differing locations. Its writing is impeccable, with the interplay between Sophia and Indiana Jones being perpetually entertaining. Finally, the different modes of play add to its replayability. Overall, I think you could argue that it is one of the greatest adventure games ever made and that few people talk about it today is a shame.

I have said this before, but during the "Golden Age of Adventure Games," I was on the side of Sierra Online. When the company self-imploded, I switched to Euro-style adventure games (i.e., Syberia and The Longest Journey). I am NOT YOUR GUY if you want me to talk positively about Full Throttle or Zak McKracken. However, Fate of Atlantis was the one LucasArts adventure game that always worked for me. Its action-oriented subject matter maintained my interest more than their goofier titles, and its intuition-based puzzles were more up my alley. Likewise, during its second act, the three diverging paths were a structure I desperately wanted more developers to use. It's such a great idea that I am still surprised even LucasArts didn't repeat it more often.

However, no game is perfect, and those imperfections are why I will be looking at Fate of Atlantis. Regardless of which route you select, there are some real "clunkers" in this game, but that's to be expected with a title as ambitious and in-depth as Fate of Atlantis. Because of the game's unusual middle act, in which the player picks between one of three possible playstyles (i.e., Wits, Team, and Fists), I'm going to split this blog into two parts. Today, I will examine the game's first act, including the Prologue, and the entirety of the Wits Path during Act II. Next time, I will examine the Team Path and Act III. If you have any comments about how I have structured these blogs, feel free to share them in the comments as with longer adventure games like The Longest Journey or Syberia, the concept of trying the examine all of those games in a single post seems like a fool's errand. However, before we jump into the puzzles found in the game's first act, let's address the one bit of housekeeping some of you are likely asking right now.

BuT wHaT aBoUt FiStS pAtH?

Fuck Fists Path! Seriously, ask any fan of this game which path you should tackle first, and while there is a split between those that prefer Wits or Team, everyone agrees that Fists Path is the worst way to play this game. At times, the game utilizes a pseudo-fighting game engine wherein you need to be able to observe cues from your opponent to block high, medium, or low attacks and then counter with the appropriate flurry of offensive moves. Due to the character's highly pixelated nature and the fast pace of the combat, this is a tall order. As a result, most players either wail away on the three attack buttons or use the "sucker punch" mechanic. I'm glad the sucker punch exists, but with the Fists Path, if you are relying on it, you do have to question if you are better off playing the other two paths. Additionally, the Fists Path is downright mean at times. For example, if anyone reading this blog has beaten Arnold or Fritz "legitimately," I bow before your presence because I am not worthy. More importantly, the difficulty curve for the fights on Fists Path is non-existent. Your first fight after Act I is one of the harder ones you will experience in the entire game, and it is followed by a battle with a goober that goes down after three hits!

Finally, I do not think the Fists Path does much to differentiate itself from the other two playthroughs. Team Path provides a superior storytelling experience with witty banter between Sophia and Indy. Alternatively, the puzzles for Wits Path are some of the most cleverly designed in the game. Additionally, because you do not need to interact with the co-operative or fighting mechanics, it is a far more meditative and relaxing experience. I would even hazard to say it is the best-paced version of the game. Sure, there are puzzles at the Labyrinth of Knossos after you go Fists when the trio of Nazis confronts you, but I'm not counting them. Those puzzles are not there as the intended route for players to use. Those puzzles are there for players that made the mistake of picking Fists and did not realize what that meant. Similarly, I would contend that going the mental route at Knossos is not the intent most have when they are presented with an "action-packed" version of Fate of Atlantis. When people first heard of Fists Path, they wanted to have their version of the fistfight with the muscly Nazi pilot during Raiders of the Lost Ark, and when they got to the labyrinth, they were disappointed when they discovered that was not the case.

Act I

Prologue - 1/10 - To start things off, Indiana Jones needs to explore a series of artifact-laden rooms to find a specific relic. This sequence is a fun tutorial. I would even go so far as to call it one of the best video game tutorials ever made. All you need to do is move Indy from one corner of the screen to the next and click on objects related to the story. Despite this simple premise, it serves as an excellent introduction to the theme and tone of the adventure you are about to experience. It is impossible to fail, and a creative way for the game to deliver its intro credits.

Getting Into The Theater - 1/10 - After uncovering a Nazi plot for world domination, Indiana Jones needs to talk to a mystic named Sophia Hapgood. However, Sophia is currently in the middle of a presentation in a fully-booked theater guarded by a gentleman named Biff. Overall, ANOTHER excellent tutorial, but this time on the SCUMM verb parser and the dialogue and combat mechanics. I like how this represents the three "paths" even before presenting them. You can fight Biff, appease him, or completely cut him out of your playthrough. My only issue is the Wits Path route involving the boxes that cover the fire escape. Sometimes it is hard to tell which boxes you need to move. The puzzle itself is almost too simple as the boxes, and the feedback you get when you push them isn't great. You select them once to move them out of your way and make them go back by clicking them a second time.

Distracting the Stagehand to Get to Sophia - 2/10 - After entering the theater, Indy finds Sophia in the middle of her presentation. If he wants to grab her attention, he'll need to interrupt her. This puzzle is a slight step up from the previous puzzles because it takes a while before the stagehand tells you that he likes to read, and you need to remember that there is a newspaper stand outside the theater. There's a bit of a red herring as the game starts you with a magazine which the stagehand doesn't want. Also, there's a bit of trial and error with the levers when deploying the dummy. It's still fun and nothing too hard.

Getting Through the Jungle - 3/10 - The ancient city of Tikal is the first destination for Sophia and Indy's investigation of Atlantis. However, it appears that a jungle stands before them and the Aztec pyramids. Indy goes it alone and needs to interact with various forms of wildlife to make it to the other end. It's one of the goofier parts of the game, but I still enjoyed it. Needing to use the whip on the capybara is a bit on the fussy side, and the range on the whip isn't as forgiving as you'd like. Also, the looping jungle entrances are annoying the first time you play the game. There's also a general lack of signposting for the snake and moving a rodent towards it. However, it's another introductory puzzle that effectively sets the game's tone, and the payoff at the end always has me in fits.

Getting Sternhart To Let You Into The Temple - 1/10 - While at Tikal, you encounter a Dr. Sternhart who claims to know information about Atlantis that will assist Sophia and Indy. However, before he divulges this information, he needs Indiana Jones to respond to a question correctly. Because you can exhaust all of your dialogue options and get the prompt to solve this puzzle, I think it is the most straightforward puzzle at Tikal. Also, after you wrap up your first talk with Sternhart, a parrot makes its presence very much known. The only annoying bit is if you decide to play around with Sternhart and select the joke options. He leaves after every incorrect response rather than continue to stay and let you exhaust all of your options.

Opening The Tomb In Tikal - 4/10 - After Sternhart allows Indy and Sophia into the pyramid, the team must explore an inner chamber for clues. The player needs to look at a panel and pinpoint a part that seems out of place. The first issue is noticing that there's one spiral design darker than the rest. Likewise, using the kerosine lamp to loosen the spiral from the wall is a bit of a leap. I like Sophia being a distraction. However, if you hadn't spawned Sternhart by interacting with his store, you might have forgotten there was a store in the first place. This is also where the verbs start to feel like there's overlap. For example, you get the kerosine out of the lamp by using "open" instead of "use," and you need to "pull" the lever rather than "use" it. Finally, it took me a quick minute to remember that you need to pull the spiral from the wall as it isn't clear that it is an object when you first look at it.

Trading With Felipe Costa - 3/10 - A scientist in Iceland shares a lead for Sophia and Indy to explore named Felipe Costa. When the two locate the antique trader, he refuses to part with any information unless he gets something in return. The only nitpick I have is related to the eel statue. If you forget to pick it up before you go to the Azores, needing to backtrack is a slight bummer. Some people enjoy the open-world aspect of Fate of Atlantis. However, I think it is slow and leads to a lot of wait time. Getting the eel statue is simple, and needing to switch to Sophia is seamless enough. However, some of the dialogue options end your conversation with Felipe, and others do not. Like Sternhart, needing to restart an exchange from the beginning sucks.

Finding The Dialogue At Barnett College - 6/10 - Sophia and Indy discover if they are going to make any progress searching for Atlantis, they will need to locate the Lost Dialogue of Plato. Luckily for all involved, Dr. Jones' alma mater has a copy. This sequence is the first in the game I would call "tricky." First, the Dialogue's location is randomized between three possible areas. These locations are 1) a dusty chest, 2) a tipped-over bookshelf, or 3) a cat figurine. If it is in the dusty chest, you need to return to Indy's office, pick up a mayo jar, and use it to pull a totem. It's incredibly illogical, and it is easy to forget to pick up the mayo as it is in an ice chest that blends into the environment it is located. If it is in the tipped-over bookshelf, you can either combine an arrowhead with a napkin to unfasten a set of screws or use gum on your shoes to climb a slippery chute and throw a lump of coal to knock the book from the bookcase. If it is in the cat figurine, you must use the gum on your shoes to go up the chute. In both cases, it's tricky knowing that you need to use the gum on your shoes, but it's even easier to forget to pick up the gum from a random desk. Finally, if it is in the cat statue, you need to use the wax statue in a furnace to melt the wax around the book. This is the easiest of the possible outcomes, but finding the correct wax statue is a glorified pixel hunt.

Wits Path

Finding Alain Trottier In Monte Carlo - 5/10 - After Indy elects to figure things out on his own, his first lead is a man in Monte Carlo named Alain Trottier. However, the central motel has a quick procession of people leaving and exiting its entrance. Indy needs to hail several NPCs before he has a profile on Trottier. Using the SCUMM verbs quickly before characters run past you is frustrating. Worse, only a few of the NPCs you will encounter provide clues about Trottier. The good news is that you can catch Trottier if you are lucky or already know what he looks like because his design is not randomized. However, if you miss your chance to talk to him, you might be stuck waiting for a while before he spawns again. This waiting isn't the most fantastic feeling. When you get ahold of Trottier, the multiple-choice question he asks is a real screwball. If you blew through the Lost Dialogue and ignored its contents, you might end up with Trottier leaving and needing to catch him a second or third time.

Getting To Omar - 6.5/10 - Fucking Omar. He sucks no matter which version of the game you play. For Wits, you need to find one of Omar's servants and follow the servant to Omar's home. Sounds easy, right? Well, it sure isn't! First, it is weird how the game often presents two locations, but it has a pretty strict order it wants you to follow. There's no way to continue if you go to Algiers before getting the business card. Returning to the puzzle, following Omar's servant is tedious and even knowing how to access the overworld map is unclear. While getting the red hat is not a necessity, it might as well because following the servant without it is a complete pain in the ass. Something that can happen and is incredibly frustrating is if you select the wrong prompts for a character and have to track them down all over again. In this case, if you talk to the man with the fez about anything other than his hat, he immediately stops talking to you.

Once you get the fez, even with it on the servant, finding Omar's house is a chore because you constantly need to click on the servant until Indy declares you have located Omar's home. It is easy to miss your window here, and it is common for you to need to restart the puzzle all over again. This sequence is not impossible to solve organically, but it has so many steps that it is easy to lose track of what you need to do. Also, I HATE how often it requires you to repeat the same actions. All that aside, this sequence is STILL NOT THE WORST ONE WITH OMAR! For that, you'll have to tune into the next blog!

Trapping Omar & Stealing His Shit - 5/10 - After Indy forces his way into Omar's home, the merchant reveals he is collaborating with the Nazis. The issue with this sequence is the pixel-hunt parts. If Dr. Jones wants to avoid his adventure coming to a premature conclusion, he will need to trap Omar and take a handful of his belongings. The first part where you need to trap Omar in his closet is ridiculous, but at the very least, it is simple. Yes, it is hard to see that there's a door that you need to lock, but it's not too hard of a task. The two statues in Omar's house are extremely easy to miss, but you don't necessarily need them as all they do is help you bribe the police officers in the desert. The real issue is finding the bamboo rod you need to use to get the red cloth that is secretly a map. The rod almost perfectly blends into the foreground and is incredibly difficult to find. Likewise, the red cloth does not look like a map, and you could be forgiven for thinking it was a random part of the house you did not need to pick up.

Using The Map to Find The Dig Site - 3/10 - The map Indy snatched from Omar suggests there's a dig site near Algiers that has a relic from the city of Atlantis. However, Indy will require the help of nomads that live in the desert to interpret the map correctly. This sequence is the more tolerable of the desert exploration sequences. The nomads provide valuable hints and are easy to find when you start exploring. I think the issue is the way the game's overworld controls. Sometimes, when you try to move from one screen to the next, the game isn't as responsive as you'd like. This problem wouldn't be such an issue if it were not for the police officers who can force Indy back to the city. Nonetheless, it is nice that when you get close enough to the dig site, the game visibly marks its location on the overworld.

Turning On The Generator At The Dig Site - 4/10 - When Indy enters the dig site, he finds a workshop with no working lights. Knowing there has to be something at the dig sit worth his time, he needs to use his senses without any visual support. I know others hate this puzzle. However, I respect how the darkened screen slowly gets easier to see the longer you spend without illumination. I can't help but be impressed at this specific example of graphical fidelity in a game made in 1992. Moreover, while it is another pixel hunt, and finding the cap on the generator is the hardest part, I had a lot of fun with this level. It is one of the few times when the touch command makes sense and feels entirely justified. Finally, needing to use everything you acquired at the dig site to get the truck running is ingenious. Overall, I thought this was a well-designed puzzle and one of the best in the game.

The Car Chase - 3/10 - After wrapping things up at the dig site, Indy discovers that Trottier is in danger. Nazi agents are en route to apprehend him, and he needs to warn him. However, despite his best efforts, Trottier gets nabbed, and Indy needs to chase after him in the streets of Monte Carlo. This car chase is not impossible. Nonetheless, it is clunky and incredibly frustrating. When I say this game bites off more than it can chew, this and the hot air balloon sequences are what I mean by that. Luckily it is NOT a timed mission, and you can take as long as you need to stop the Nazis. However, moving on the streets in one direction is just a clunky affair through and through. Using mouse clicks to direct your car in a path makes it difficult to know how far the vehicle will move along any given street. Sometimes it's just a short block, and other times it is a vast span. Likewise, it's not immediately apparent how to turn around, making it a confusing affair whenever you butt up against dead ends. Also, the number of times you need to collide with the Nazi car before it crashes is too high.

Finding The Sunstone At The French-Named Streets - 2/10 - After rescuing the man, Trottier shares that the entrance of Atlantis can be located at Thera, Greece. However, to enter, Indy requires a Sunstone which Trottier threw away while the Nazis were trying to capture him. My only complaint here is that I wish the game marked the names of the streets on the overworld map of Monte Carlo AFTER observing them once. Because the game does not do this, you have to take down notes or memorize the format and conventions of the streets. Also, due to the randomized nature of where the artifact can be, the game doesn't necessarily start you out in the best position. It's still solvable through intuition; therefore, I can't get too salty. That said, street names are way longer than they should be.

Sundial And Thera Dig Site Puzzle - 6/10 - After Indy lands on Thera, he discovers two shocking facts. First, the next boat to take Indy out of Thera will not arrive for another week. Second, Indy's investigation needs to find an abandoned dig site whose location is unknown. After locating the dig site, he will need to find a stone tablet and a note from Sophia relaying that the Nazis have kidnapped her. The start of this puzzle is fine. Exploring the mountains of Thera and locating the dig site is a randomized part of the game but relatively brief. Once you enter the dig site, knowing to use the Sunstone on the empty peg is one of the fiddlier aspects of the game. Knowing to use the crate at the dig site is tricky, too, as doing so is the only way you will learn how Indy will be leaving the island. Likewise, opening and closing the one door to discover the secret compartment is incredibly frustrating, and unfolding the entrenching tool before you can use it is an unnecessary extra step. Also, needing to consult the Dialogue isn't the best feeling experience. It's nice that the puzzle is randomized, but reading a single sentence and needing to translate that note into a puzzle solution will never not feel bad.

Building The Hot Air Balloon - 7/10 - With no quick way off the island of Thera, Indy will need to improvise! Thankfully, he can construct a hot air balloon after gathering the appropriate items from the island. I find parts of this sequence downright infuriating. Getting the invoice to claim the balloon bladder is easy to miss. You could be forgiven for not realizing it is an integral part of the story because the invoice is in a random crate next to the dig site entrance. Furthermore, needing to close the container to pick up the invoice is just shitty. Once you use the invoice on the dock manager, you have to make a ton of logic leaps to make the hot air balloon. First, using the ancient tablet to get the basket is weird, but at least the dialogue system sufficiently manifests what the dock manager wants. Putting the hot air balloon together has way more steps than it should, and even if you are a fan of the SCUMM engine, it's frustrating to have specific commands when generalized commands like "use" seem logical. Finally, going back to the dig site to vent gas into the balloon sucks, and knowing you need to use the hose from the last dig site to vent gas into the balloon is even worse. You have not used the hose in ages, and this is when I would say your inventory starts to feel bloated with stuff you don't need anymore.

Landing The Balloon on The Nazi Sub - 6/10 - With a hot air balloon at his disposal, Indy needs to locate a German U-boat. After doing so, he needs to land the dirigible on top of the submarine. While frustrating, it is not that difficult to figure out what the game wants you to do. The issue is that the balloon controls like hot garbage. Once you find the submarine, landing on it is easier said than done. The most common strategy is to vent like crazy once getting close to the sub, but that's still tough. The submarine is faster and has a tighter turn radius than the balloon. Finally, if the submersible is on the corner of a screen, it's easy to transition to a different screen rather than board the U-boat. All in all, it's not impossible, but the controls make solving this puzzle an undertaking. HOWEVER, it's STILL not the worst balloon sequence in the game!

Making The Sandwich to Distract The Guard - 4/10 - Inside the U-Boat, you can overhear Kerner and Ubermann discuss the Moonstone. Getting this relic is your first step before you can do anything regarding Sophia. However, in proper adventure game form, the locker that has the Moonstone is guarded by a Nazi soldier. This puzzle has two challenging aspects. The first is just knowing you need to make a sandwich to distract the guard; the other is knowing where you need to position Indy to eat the sandwich. Making the sandwich isn't tricky because there are only two ingredients. But with the many different rooms and items in the sub, it can be hard to know where to find shit.

Using A Torpedo To Leave The Sub - 9/10 - With the Moonstone in tow and no immediate sign of how to save Sophia, Indy realizes he needs to get out of the submarine quickly. With Kerner doing a full roll-call, Indy's disguise will inevitably fall apart. So, the game wants you to direct a crowd of sailors away from the torpedo bay so Indy can crawl into a torpedo and launch himself to freedom. While I can respect the crummy vehicle sequences as LucasArts is trying to add some action-oriented variety to the game, this sequence is the first one I genuinely hate. There are too many steps for this puzzle, and the specificity of the SCUMM commands during this particular part makes it worse. For example, needing to use the torpedo instructions when interacting with any of the torpedo parts is one of the game's fiddlier SCUMM design choices. I should only need to read the instructions once, and Indy can use the controls for the torpedos from that point forward.

The first part of this set-piece involving the fire with the oily rag has a few issues also worth discussing. The problem here is that the game isn't always coherent about when it wants you to treat exploring the submarine as a stealth sequence and when it wants you to play it like an action scene. Here, you need to talk to the Nazi soldiers to know one side of the submarine is messed up and could cause a fire. I took FOREVER trying to find a way to AVOID crossing paths with the Nazis because that's what Indy says to do at the start. Picking up the oil rag is simple enough, but all of the steps required to start the fire are way more involved than needed. And needing to push the levers instead of using them is another SCUMM-based issue.

Finally, getting Indy into the torpedo is downright terrible. The aft torpedo first requires you to use the torpedo instructions on the control terminal. FIDDLY! Pulling the levers instead of "using" them? ALSO FIDDLY! Finally, you have to remove the clothesline, use it on the lever, and then attach the clotheslines to it, but not before opening the torpedo bay. SUPER FIDDLY! After that, you need to close the torpedo bay, and BOY ARE THE CONTROLS WITH THAT FIDDLY AS FUCK! Again, I think fans of this game have to admit that it is trying to do complex tasks and commands that the SCUMM engine makes way more obtuse and complicated than it should.

Moonstone/Sunstone Puzzle At Crete - 3/10 - Congratulations, you got the Moonstone! Now you need to use it with the Sunstone! Flipping through the Dialogues and interpreting riddles still sucks, but it makes more sense the more you do it. At least the platform for placing the dials is right in front of you, and you don't need to engage in any bullshit to use it.

The Statues In The Labyrinth - 5/10 - We are now officially in the Labyrinth of Knossos, which I consider the worst level in the game. Foremost, I have to mention that the greyscale environment at Knossos makes knowing where you are in the labyrinth a pain in the ass. Your first puzzle involves a gated door that will only rise if you nab three busts on an earlier screen. However, if you lift all three, the door in front of you will fall and block your path until you place at least one of the busts on a shelf. However, instead of finding an object to replace the weight of the statues, which seems like it SHOULD be the solution, you need to use your whip on the last remaining figurine after crossing over to a subsequent screen. While it isn't the most challenging puzzle in the game, it is one where there's a distinct step that can be hard to remember. The last time you needed to use the whip to solve a puzzle was way back in the jungle at Tikal.

Minotaur Statue and Elevator - 4/10 - After exploring the labyrinth, Indy eventually finds himself in a room with a pressure plate and a minotaur statue. To activate an elevator below, he will need to use his whip to knock off the head of the sculpture to turn on the elevator. Once again, it's tough to figure out the whip is the solution to this specific puzzle. All the game tells you is that the minotaur statue is unstable. One could argue that using everything in your inventory until you find the solution is the best course of action. However, it's not a great feeling experience, especially when you consider how much bullshit you have in your inventory at this point. Also, picking up all the stuff from Sternhart's corpse is simple enough, but the pace of using Sternhart's items is all over the place. For example, you use his staff a lot at first, and then it might as well not exist. Finally, I struggled to realize you need to use the hidden chain behind the waterfall rather than your inventory items to get out of the lower level.

Getting the Golden Box - 5/10 - If Indy hopes to complete the Labyrinth of Knossos once and for all, he will need to find a golden box. Once again, just knowing where you need to go in the labyrinth is a chore. Using the busts on the shelf to open a door is simple enough, but the many doors that lead to dead-ends or red herrings are endlessly frustrating. The first step towards getting the box involves the wedge holding the counterbalance on the elevator. After the two previous puzzles, I thought you would need to use the whip again. Instead, you need to use Sternhart's staff, and you will also need to use that on the statue head later. It is also worth mentioning how hard it is to tell what parts of the screen are the background or foreground due to the environment's greyscale nature, which results in a pixel-hunt-rich gameplay experience.

Turning on the Microtaur - 4/10 - Indy discovers a secret room after you pick up the golden box. The room leads to an Atlantean device called the "Microtaur," and using it is the key to creating a passageway to the next area. Remembering to employ the statue when using Atlantean technology is an odd and challenging callback. Up to this point, you have only used this statue twice. Otherwise, you know you need to use orichalcum to turn on the digging device. It's a puzzle where needing to figure out which inventory items you need to combine is the name of the game.

Using The Sunstone, Moonstone, and Worldstone in the Map Room - 2/10 - It's now time to use the Sunstone, Moonstone, and Worldstone together! Before I jump into the puzzle, I want to say that the cinematic involving the mock city still impresses me to this day. The sense of mystery is palpable, and I think it's visually impressive for a game made in the 90s. In terms of the puzzle, using the stones feels automatic at this point. All I will say is that, yet again, the sections of the notes that are your hints are not the best. They are abstract enough to where I feel you may as well just brute force the puzzle if you don't want to use a guide. Still, it's "doable."

The Comb Metal Detector Puzzle - 10/10 - If there is one puzzle or sequence that is objectively superior on the Team Path, this is it. As things stand here, after watching the cinematic with the mini-Atlantis model, Indy realizes there's more to the passage behind the map room than meets the eye. However, he will first need to explore all of the previous rooms of the labyrinth using a make-shift metal detector. To make this device, you will need to fashion a wool scarf with a hair comb which will apply a static charge to the comb. Next, you need to combine the clothesline from the submarine to the charged comb to make a combined item that can detect orichalcum. To make sure the orichalcum you already have doesn't trigger the comb, Indy will need to place them into the golden box. Next is a wild goose chase to locate a room with a dead-end for two extra beads and the waterfall from earlier. This leads to a wall that can be destroyed using the ship rib from ages ago. Then, AND ONLY THEN, will you discover an Atlantean subway car that will lead you to the legendary city.

This sequence errs shockingly close to the Cat Moustache Puzzle. I'm being serious here. Combining the comb with the clothesline is not easy to figure out independently. Additionally, using the scarf to add a static charge to the comb is downright stupid. It is a massive leap of logic that breaks the game for me. Moreover, needing to charge the comb every time you use it stinks. As the directions the comb points to are obtuse enough, you end up fiddling around with it a lot. Finally, the comb is useless until you place all of the beads in Indy's possession into the gold box. To me, this is what boosts this puzzle to a ten. The beads have been used frequently and at no point do you feel like they need to be concealed. Likewise, the purpose of the gold box isn't precisely clear to the player. So, what you end up with is a puzzle that makes no sense and requires you to see which item you can combine the beads with to make the metal detector work!

Preamble

On December 18, 2022, the Final Fantasy franchise will turn thirty-five. It's a crazy fact that puts your life into perspective, but it is true. However, we are not here to fall into existential crises about the fragility of human life! We are here to do what all good internet essayists or bloggers do these days: rampantly speculate about shit we don't know! Not only that, but we will speculate with a false sense of authority that has only a partial foundation on factual information! This point leads me to my yearly disclaimer of sorts. Everything I write and discuss in this blog is not based on first-hand knowledge of Square-Enix's business matters. Some of my "predictions" are pie-in-the-sky aspirations, whereas others are practically layups.

With that out of the way, some of you may recall that I typically wait until Summer when sharing theories about what I think Square-Enix has in store for the year. I'm doing things differently this time around for a few reasons. My old predictions blogs would coincide with E3, and with that convention all but dead, I had to retool things. Likewise, information about what Square-Enix is planning for the Final Fantasy 35th-Anniversary Event is already leaking at a breakneck speed, with reports about a Final Fantasy IX remaster coming out weekly. The company even opened the anniversary event website to the public months ago. Additionally, I ditched my speculation about the company's management of Eidos and Crystal Dynamics because I found the entire situation there a depression factory. I could have talked about Square-Enix screwing the pooch last year with Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy, but I don't want to spend over half a blog yelling at the top of my lungs.

Finally, I want to make one point of clarification before we continue. I am NOT YOUR PERSON for speculating on the future of Final Fantasy XIV and possible community-pleasing patches or updates. I have yet to touch the game and did not feel equipped to talk about Square-Enix's potential plans for it. There's no doubting the game will be present at the anniversary event in some form. However, if you want to read up on what the company might have up its sleeves, might I suggest The Lodestone or Fanbyte? Otherwise, yeah, there will be Final Fantasy XIV shit at this event that will throw the internet into a tizzy. With all of that behind us, let's get on with the rampant rumor-mongering!

Prediction #1: A Theatrhythm Final Fantasy Switch Port

If you have been following my Final Fantasy predictions for a while, you know I have made this prognosis for the past two years. This time, however, I think things will be different. With the eventually shuttering of the 3DS eShop, there are fewer and fewer ways for people to play Theatrhythm legally. The Android and iOS versions of the game were discontinued ages ago when Square-Enix decided to pass on updating the app for modern mobile operating systems. With the death of the 3DS storefronts imminent, mountains of eShop exclusive Theatrhythm content will soon be lost to time unless Square-Enix does something about it. As I mentioned last year, the easiest way to play Theatrhythm that does not involve online scalpers or piracy is to track down your nearest Round1 and see if they have the arcade game. However, I know Square-Enix will never turn down a quick buck, and making a Switch port of the original game sure seems like easy money.

While the Switch has become the place of second chances for Wii U titles, it has also had its fair share of 3DS re-releases. Rune Factory 4 and Monster Hunter Generations are perfect examples of this. Furthermore, if we look at things pragmatically, a Switch port for Theatrhythm doesn't seem that crazy. The game's touch-based rhythm mechanics seem like a perfect fit for the console, and its often leisurely pace makes it an ideal fit for people who prefer to play their Switches undocked. Furthermore, its chibi aesthetic will not be incredibly taxing on even launch window Switches. Square-Enix has repeatedly announced that they want to invest in games that lend themselves to DLC and microtransactions (i.e., Chocobo GP), and Theatrhythm already did that years ago. After its initial release, the game had exhaustive support with dozens of song packs and story modes that kept fans happy and invested. If ever there was a game that allowed Square-Enix to have their cake and eat it, this is it!

Prediction #2: Final Fantasy IX Is Getting A Remaster (But NOT A "Remake")

Yeah, I know. This item is low-hanging fruit, but I still want to discuss this point in detail. A while back, many of you may recall that a programmer reverse engineered Nvidia's streaming service GeForce Now and discovered that there were listings for Square-Enix games that had not been announced yet. Most notably, remasters for Kingdom Hearts 4, Chrono Cross, and Final Fantasy IX were on that list. With the Chrono Cross remaster out, many have returned to the original leaked document and have started salivating at the prospect that Final Fantasy IX might get the Remake treatment. However, with more leaks and information coming out about the project, a less ambitious and more traditional remaster seems to be in the works. While disappointing to Final Fantasy IX die-hards, it's better than nothing. Whatever it might be, I just hope that Square-Enix learned their lesson with the Final Fantasy VIII Remaster and put some love and attention into whatever they have planned for IX.

I'm going to be honest with all of you: I'm not that excited about a Final Fantasy IX Remaster. For one thing, while I enjoy the game, it's not my cup of tea. I find its version of the ATB system plodding and its cast of characters among the least exciting of the PS1 era. I know that last point might get me in trouble with some Final Fantasy fans out there, but the story in the game never resonated with me outside of a few touching moments involving Vivi. Also, the idea that Square-Enix is just making a version of the game with improved visuals and some quality-of-life additions (i.e., fast forward, God Mode, EXP boosters, etc.) but with the core gameplay intact does not have me jumping for joy. That's also the case if its slow one-on-one combat sequences are still there or its fiddly gem-based leveling mechanic remains untouched. More importantly, the game's current iOS, Android, and Steam ports already do what the rumors are saying the new remaster will accomplish. So, I have to ask, what is this new version of Final Fantasy IX going to bring to the table beyond better graphics and faster load times?

I wonder what anyone gets from an "official" HD Remaster of Final Fantasy IX where the game is running on Unreal Engine 5, or the characters look like their Dissidia counterparts. We live in a world where the Moguri Mod has already faithfully revamped the PC version. Most Final Fantasy IX fans are perfectly content with a PC game that looks and feels like a PS1 game without any downsides. There's also the highly ambitious Final Fantasy IX fan game that I'm confident will never see the light of day because it is one DMCA takedown away from being shit-canned. However, it's telling that whenever online trolls "leak" this rumored Final Fantasy IX remaster, they always use still images pulled from that fan game. This rambling on my part is to say that Square-Enix better not shit out another lazy PS1-era Final Fantasy port. The competition is fierce, and Final Fantasy IX fans will fucking kill you.

Prediction #3: Pixel Remaster Console Ports

Bad fonts be damned, but how has this not happened already? As of the publishing of this blog, the Pixel Remaster editions of Final Fantasy I through VI are still exclusive to iOS, Android, and Steam. Despite these games being a potential treasure trove of money for Square-Enix on the Switch alone, there is NO legal home console medium to play these games. There are a lot of fan theories as to why this is the case, and some of you have even asked Jeff Grubb to investigate the matter, but I think there are two logical theories that explain the situation. The first is that Square-Enix has approached one of the console manufacturers to secure a home console exclusivity contract and is awaiting to announce the final details of this contract during a major press conference, like the Final Fantasy Anniversary Event. Sony and Nintendo are the most likely candidates for a home console timed exclusivity contract. This would be incredibly disappointing if it is true. Despite some niggling issues here and there, I think the Pixel Remasters for I through VI should be available on as many legal platforms as possible because they are fantastic gateway opportunities to old-school and modern JRPGs. JRPG enthusiasm benefits MASSIVELY from these ports being available on all major consoles; fanboyism be DAMNED!

The second explanation leads us to one of the underreported negative consequences of the Final Fantasy 35th Anniversary Event. For reasons still unknown, Square-Enix has the nasty habit of holding on to Final Fantasy-related projects until a significant press conference comes rolling. If you pressed me on it, I would guess that the Pixel Remasters' PS5, Xbox Series X, and Switch ports are complete, but Square-Enix is withholding them to fill out their itinerary for the Anniversary Event. Square-Enix has a respectable amount of excitement to have a more jam-packed event than five years ago, and this seems like a decent way to get the internet to "pop." I can almost envision precisely the look and feel of the announcement trailer. It will start with OG footage of Final Fantasy I and then "magically" wipe transition to footage of the Pixel Remaster. And when the trailer is over, you'll see "Pixel Remaster" trending on social media again, with thousands sharing they are excited to buy the games a second time. I am 1,000% certain that is how this scenario plays out, and there's nothing you or I can do to stop it. Welcome to late-game capitalism, my friends!

Prediction #4: More Mobile Gacha Games & Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin Gets DLC

Saying that the current era of Square-Enix will announce a new Final Fantasy mobile game is like saying "water is wet." Besides Final Fantasy XIV, mobile games continue to be one of Square-Enix's most reliable sources of revenue. However, the mobile market is fickle, and Square-Enix's general strategy is to shutter mobile games that have existed for more than four years and replace them with new gacha properties. There are a handful of exceptions (i.e., Brave Exvius and Opera Omnia), but these examples are not the norm. Go back to the 30th-anniversary event's itinerary and look at the mobile gacha games they either revealed or shared plans for expansion. Then, note which ones are no longer playable. Mobius Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy Grandmasters, Pictlogica Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy Dimensions II, and Final Fantasy Airborne Brigade are either dead or have ended their online modes, and they featured prominently during the 30th-anniversary conference!

Nonetheless, mobile games will be present at the 35th-anniversary event, come hell or high water. As I said in the previous chapter, it will happen, and there's nothing you and I can do to stop it. Regardless, suppose you want a more "ambitious" prediction. In that case, I'd hazard to say whatever new mobile experiment Square-Enix has in store for audiences will NOT be related to Final Fantasy VII Remake. Final Fantasy VII Ever Crisis and The First Soldier are priorities, and Square-Enix is still actively supporting them. It would be stupid on Square-Enix's part to crowd further the Final Fantasy VII Remake mobile "market." So, because I am feeling feisty, I think they are announcing a mobile Final Fantasy Tactics gacha game that no one wants! Don't lie; you can see that being a thing the company does!

Regarding the second part of this prediction, some of you may recall that Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin was the "big reveal" of the company's E3 2021 presentation. During this, Square-Enix said it would release in 2022 as a "celebration" of the franchise's 35th anniversary. The game's level design, job system, campy tone, and grim-dark look are not for everyone, but the game has enjoyed a moderate community of defenders. Likewise, it sounds as if it met Square-Enix's arbitrary sales targets, which would suggest it is something the company wants to support with additional content. Now, I know what those who have played Final Fantasy Origin are thinking. "But ZombiePie, Final Fantasy Origin has a natural ending, and an expansion pack doesn't make sense!" To which I reply, when has that ever stopped Square-Enix?

For those who wish to avoid spoilers for Final Fantasy Origin, you should skip this paragraph and move on to my fifth prediction. I think a potential expansion for the game could bridge the gap between its ending to the start of Final Fantasy I. The culminating event could manifest what happened to Garland after the Warriors of Light defeated him the first time around. You could have him travel the spirit realm and gain sources of power from more Final Fantasy games before readying himself for the final confrontation with the Warriors of Light. To make this more doable as an expansion pack or DLC, you could limit things to the 8-bit and 16-bit eras. Perhaps they could place an even greater emphasis on Final Fantasy I, given the subject matter. All I do know is I think there's more room to revisit this crazy and wild world than some fans are suggesting. And to anyone who might contend that the game's recent release would make it challenging to develop an expansion in such a short time, I again emphasize "DLC."

Prediction #5: Final Fantasy XVI Gets A Gameplay Sizzle Reel

There are games we KNOW will be present at the 35th Anniversary Event, and then there are games that NEED to be present. Final Fantasy XVI is the one Final Fantasy property that has the most to gain from attending Square-Enix's big showcase. Since its reveal and story trailer during the 2020 PlayStation 5 showcase, the company has been tight-lipped about the game. More details were promised to come out during "Spring 2022" after the project skipped the 2021 Tokyo Game Show. Before anyone suggests that the game is in "development Hell" or in a troubled state, I think Square-Enix has sufficiently clarified why it has been absent from multiple conferences and presentations. Square Enix's Creative Business Unit III, the team behind Final Fantasy XIV, leads the project. They needed to prioritize getting XIV back on course after the hiccups it experienced earlier this year, and I don't blame the company for doing that. Likewise, I trust their repeated claims that Final Fantasy XVI has been a challenging project to manage during the COVID-19 pandemic. This game is a AAA title with massive expectations, and it is being developed under less than ideal circumstances. There's no denying that it will need more time.

However, there's one aspect to Final Fantasy XVI that I want to say Square-Enix needs to clarify sooner rather than later, and that's the gameplay direction of the project. While the game's characters and story are out there, the core gameplay has been limited to vagaries. Sure, we know it will be an "action role-playing game," which rules out it being a return to turn-based combat, but that's about it. When the game was first announced, Square-Enix even shared that it would have different modes of play available to the user. In one particular quote, they said there would be one mode that "focuses on the story of the game and provides hints as to what to do next." Naoki Yoshida (aka, Yoshi-P) further stated that this mode will include "a variety of support actions" and be "easy to get the hang of." Which led to some Final Fantasy fans assuming, incorrectly if you ask me, that the game would have a turn-based combat toggle similar to Final Fantasy VII Remake. However, with that being all fans have had for years, who can blame them for jumping to conclusions?

For all of these reasons, if Final Fantasy XVI has a presence at the 35th-anniversary event, and I think it should, it needs to provide a better idea of how it will play. Again, fans already trust Yoshi-P enough to helm a decent story, and millions of Final Fantasy XIV fans are ready to stand by him in that regard. However, designing the gameplay for an MMORPG is different from designing the gameplay for a predominantly single-player experience. I'm not going to rule out there being a multiplayer or cooperative element to XVI, given the statements about different modes of play. Still, it will need to be something that relies on a single player progressing through a story if it wants to be a mainline entry in the franchise with an epic and "whole" storyline. And communicating how that structure will work begets some visual or video evidence of how players tackle their foes and enemies. Likewise, if all Square-Enix shows is a story-focused trailer and not gameplay, they have to prepare themselves for a deluge of questions about the gameplay. Even if all they offer are characters doing somersaults or popping off summons indiscriminately, that should stave off some concerns.

Prediction #6: Vincent Valentine Or Zack Get The Intergrade Treatment [SPOILER WARNING!]

Final Fantasy Remake Part 2 is going to be at this anniversary event. For months, they have been teasing the game's existence. It is safe to assume it will be the last thing Square-Enix reveals, and it will be what everyone talks about for weeks upon end. However, there's no way in HELL the game will come out in the next year. 2024 would be generous, but I wouldn't put it past Square-Enix to reveal the next episode of Final Fantasy VII Remake will release in 2025 or later. As a result, I think the company will give a character or two the "Intergrade Treatment" they gave Yuffie to keep fans patient. As things stand, I believe two characters are best suited for this: Vincent and Zack. I am going to rule out Cid because his placement is a bit further in the original game's storyline. Cait Sith isn't on my shortlist because Cait Sith sucks ass.

Vincent makes sense for a variety of reasons. Now that the Remake continuity has canonized Deepground and the likes of Weiss and Nero, Vincent is the character you tap if you want to explore that side of things. I won't suggest that if Vincent gets an expansion of sorts, it should be a fully-realized game like Dirge of Cerberus. Nonetheless, the toothpaste is out of the tube. If you take the time to have Nero as the final boss in Episode INTERmission, you might as well provide the nitty-gritty on what Deepground has been up to recently. Seriously, hit me with your best shot, Square! Fuck me up with endless anime bullshit about the Tsviets and Protomateria! Don't just give me the tip of the iceberg like in Episode INTERmission. Cut the bullshit, plop your whole ass on my face, and go to town. It's time for the Remake continuity to GET STUPID!

On the other hand, Zack would provide the mad lads at Square-Enix a different opportunity to revel in their bullshit. Curiously, while Final Fantasy VII Remake has "canonized" whole swaths of Dirge of Cerberus, there's one last significant "Compilation of Final Fantasy VII" project that has remained unaddressed. I am, of course, talking about Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII! For those that may have forgotten, during the ending of Final Fantasy VII Remake and the epilogue of "Episode INTERmission," we discover that Zack is not dead and instead on a quest to rekindle his relationship with Aerith. The reveal is one of the more stark reminders that the Remake continuity is its own thing. Likewise, it reminds everyone that the people writing it don't give a shit about fans' nostalgia for how characters were written in the original game. So, fuck it! Why not have a special "episode" where we control Zack and relive a Remake continuity interpretation of Crisis Core?

With silent lips, I say, give me your Genesis Rhapsodos, your Angeal Hewley. Your huddled Dr. Hollander yearning to breathe free. The wretched Lazard Deusericus of your teeming shore. Send angel wings, the Midgar Slums, and the apple juice factory to me. I lift my lamp beside the Project G door!

Prediction #7: Final Fantasy Remake Part 2 Will Be Present, Answer Half Of The Questions You Have For It, And Will Reveal A Party Member Not Present In The Original Game [SPOILER WARNING!]

Before breaking into a sonnet, I hope my previous point about the Remake continuity not holding back any punches was clear. All signs suggest that Final Fantasy VII Remake was a game for fans, and the next episode will be a game for Square-Enix. After cheekily tricking fans into thinking that the Remake games would follow the source material, Square-Enix is in a position where they don't need to hold back from the get-go. As a result, I think Part 2 will make that very clear within the opening act. Even if the next game starts at Kalm and with a recollection of the "Nibelheim Incident," which is my theory, it will most certainly deviate from how we last remembered it. However, deciding on how the game starts is the most straightforward aspect of Part 2. The hard part for the development team would have been determining how to bridge the gap between it and Part 3. Will this next episode stop at Junon Harbor, the City of the Ancients, or the Crater? Only time will tell, and I don't think for a minute Square-Enix will ever reveal the stopping point of the next episode until the game releases. However, that's dancing around the issue of how Square-Enix filled in the gaps in Part 2.

Unless you have recently played the original Final Fantasy VII, you might have forgotten how open the game becomes the minute you leave Midgar. How Part 2 goes about manifesting this open-world structure is no laughing matter. Not only does the original game employ the then standard overworld, but it provides a TON of interstitial levels with supporting mini-games and side quests to boot. So, will Square-Enix trust their audience to explore things independently, or will they string us along with a linear format more like Final Fantasy X? Maybe you have an open-world exploratory structure like Final Fantasy XII where there's no overworld, but you transition from one environment to the next by butting up against the edges of maps. Again, only time will tell, but at least we have one weight off our shoulders. Through Remake and "Episode INTERmission," Square-Enix have proven that they know how to make the original mini-games in Final Fantasy VII not control like shit. Therefore, it's safe to assume all of them will be present, including sillier ones like the dolphin launching Cloud up a scaffold.

However, let's return to the issue of Part 2 being more unhinged. I honestly think this is the game where the entire Remake team makes it very clear this is its own thing and is accountable to zero fan expectations. While Square-Enix is far from being a company that will outright say, "Fuck the fans," there's no doubting that they want people to know it's a whole different ball game. As a result, what better way to communicate that than to lop in a new party member that wasn't present in the original game? It would please no one but Square-Enix, which is why I think they would do it. They have already added in dozens of new quest-giving NPCs with intricate and complex storylines. How much of a leap would it be to add a new party member to the mix? Now, if Square-Enix were in a real combative mood, this new character would replace the likes of Cid, Vincent, or Cait Sith. I don't think they would go that route, but with Deepground and Zack on the fucking table, I think anything goes at this point!

Author's Note: If you missed the previous two episodes of this series, here are the links:

• Episode 1: This Is One Of The Most Unfairly Overhated Games Ever
• Episode 2: Sometimes... You Just Want To Play Something Incredibly Dumb

Part 12: THE (NEW) WORST PUZZLE IN FINAL FANTASY FRANCHISE HISTORY!

After the riveting highs at Augusta Tower, Final Fantasy XIII-2, unfortunately, subjects you to the doldrums of its Skinner Box-like grinds. When you meet Hope, he informs Serah and company that they are stuck until they retrieve him five Gravitron Orbs, and the whole affair is about as interesting as watching grass grow. A slightly exciting story arc involves Alyssa betraying Serah when she realizes she's a paradox and Serah is minutes away from erasing her from history. Luckily for all involved, it's around this point when Final Fantasy XIII-2 decides to summarize the events of Final Fantasy XIII in the most METAL WAY POSSIBLE! This sequence starts when you meet a different Yeul who lectures about the "legendary l'Cie" that are genuinely responsible for the crystal pillar. She states that Serah has "Etro's Eyes" and transforms into Caius. He calls Noel a "traitor" for not fulfilling his destiny and then STABS SERAH THROUGH THE CHEST, which causes Chaos to erupt from her body.

Regardless, when Serah locates Noel, she watches Caius offer him the opportunity to "complete his destiny." As was earlier suggested, she learns that Noel was meant to become Caius's replacement, but this required him to kill Yeul. However, the game relays the technical details of why this brazen act of bloodshed was necessary. We discover that the Heart of Etro resides within Caius, and a blood sacrifice is needed to keep it beating. Otherwise, Chaos will return and fuck everything up. When Noel refuses, Caius shares that he's done being an immortal Guardian and departs to unleash Chaos because he's sick and tired of his job. As someone who is occasionally exhausted by their career and job choice, I related to Caius telling Noel to quit whining and get on with killing Yeul so he can retire. He spoke to me at an almost spiritual level.

What we learn about Noel while Serah explores his dream realm showcases the game's most tender and earnest moments. As goofy as all of the shit involving Etro's heart might seem on paper, there's a palpable sense of melancholy when Noel regains his memories, and he recognizes that he is a failure. Additionally, he's not immediately enthusiastic about rejoining Serah. He realizes that Serah has Etro's Eye, which means she is a seeress like Yeul. This detail means that Serah's magical ability to "make things right" slowly kills her. It is a quieter moment that again highlights how the dynamic between Noel and Serah works in the grand scheme of things. The two of them motivate each other during their darkest moments but without the subtext of romance, and that's not something you see in JRPGs very often! But we aren't here to talk about two characters leveling with each other like real people! Well, FUCK THAT SHIT! I play Final Fantasy games for the puzzles! And BOY HOWDY, do we have a DOOZY of a puzzle to talk about in this game!

First, Final Fantasy XIII-2 is weird regarding its "point of no return." Because it has a non-linear structure, you can continue to hop around the Historia Crux longer than expected. The game structurally is a bit listless near its final act, but the worst thing you could do is immediately make a beeline to the end. There are a total of TEN optional areas in the game, and while not all of them are necessary to appreciate the story and all of its weird glory, they are there, and many of them do provide extra worldbuilding. One of these optional locations happens to be the Vile Peaks, and it is here that Serah has her only character interactions with Lightning outside of the final act. It is UNFORGIVABLE that this was made wholly missable by the design team. Unfortunately, most of these supplemental levels also contain the most demanding boss encounters and puzzles—case in point, the "Hands of Time" puzzles.

If there's something I hope my new adventure game blog series on the site has proven, it's that I enjoy myself a good puzzle. The Hands of Time clock puzzles are not that. For those unaware, at Oerba and Yaschas Massif, Noel and Serah are immediately transported to a temporal rift where every puzzle involves looking at clocks with randomized numbers on them. Mechanically, each number on the clock has a hidden value that moves the hands of the clock, and the crystals will disappear wherever the clock's hands land. Because the game does not tell you what any of the symbols translate to regarding how many units they will move the clock's hands, these puzzles are only solvable through brute force. All the game provides in terms of UI assistance are button prompts when the characters are in a position to move the clock's hands and a timer that looms over Noel and Serah like a proverbial Sword of Damocles.

Additionally, like the previous Temporal Rift puzzles, these are timed puzzles, and given that the starting numbers are randomized, you can't rely on memorization to get you through them. But the worst part is that these clock puzzles are not contained within the scope of one Historia Crux point. Instead, the game repeats them THREE TIMES! On top of that, each stage subjects you to a series of puzzles instead of just one or two. During the final phase of Oerba 400 AF, you have SIX STAGES of these goddamn clock puzzles to solve! SIX! IT'S A BAD TIME! It is a real testament to how shitty it is that most of the guides I consulted avoided explaining how the entire thing works and instead linked to websites that algorithmically give you the solution after punching in all of the numbers.

Part 13: I Wish I Enjoyed Playing This Game

After Serah witnesses Caius handing Noel his ass, she awakens Noel from his slumber. However, as she exits with Noel in tow, he stops her and reminds her of the sacrifice necessary to "make the world whole again." Noel identifies Serah as an interdimensional witch, like Yeul, and states that making things the way they once were will likely cost Serah her life. I'd call this a "plot twist," except that the game has already had at least a dozen scenes with Yeul and Caius doppelgangers that stated that SERAH IS GOING TO DIE! I have no idea why the game thinks this point of order is a mystery, but it does, and I thought I had gone crazy when I reached the end, and everyone acted surprised when Serah died. However, Mog suddenly re-appears and states that Lightning, a character we have barely seen since the opening scene, broke him from his dream state in the Void Beyond. The little bugger then does a lore dump in which we discover that Caius was a Pulse l'Cie tasked with protecting Yeul until Etro saved him and made him immortal. This plot point makes ZERO SENSE! First, if the goddess Etro has the power to make Caius immortal, why doesn't she revoke that immortality the moment Caius shows the first signs of being an evil monster? Second, how is she not aware that Caius wanted to move on with his life after fulfilling his Focus? He's made that point crystal clear to everyone and their mother.

After Noel's little heart-to-heart, he and Serah exit a time distortion. Along the way, Noel relays that the source of the paradoxes is none other than Caius. Therefore, you can put "able to warp the space-time continuum" on Caius's LinkedIn profile. What item or source of energy allows Caius to create paradoxes? The game will never tell, but I find it exceedingly odd how it suggests that Caius has been up to his time-bending hijinks for centuries, despite there being no signs of him during the events of Final Fantasy XIII. Where was this guy when Barthandelus was about to blow up the universe? Was Caius just okay with that, or was he still busy farting around with Noel or Yeul while moaning about his immortality?

Nonetheless, Noel and Serah eventually end up at the butt-end of the Historia Crux. While there, they look over the charred remains of the once beautiful city of New Bodhum and come across a disheveled Lightning. This Lightning, who is adorned in the Valkyrie-inspired clothing from the opening sequence, reveals that this is what happens to the world if Caius's plot succeeds. To stop this timeline from becoming canonical, she has Mog open a portal to the exact moment when Caius is about to destroy the entire time continuum. Despite understanding the gravity of the situation and the importance of Serah's mission, Lightning refuses to join them because of reasons she'll never tell. I'd also point out that her transporting Noel and Serah mere moments before Caius blows up the world, when she has the power of time travel, is contrived bullshit, but the former plot hole bugged me more.

Alternatively, we need to return to Final Fantasy XIII-2's rushed development. When you reach the final act, the game drops storytelling pipe bombs as if its life depends on it. If I were to color in a pie chart on how much of the game's story is conveyed across its tenuous five-act dramatic structure, more than a third would be in its fourth act, and another third would be in its last. I understand some of you might read that and scoff this off as another example of "Square being Square," but things are different in the world of Final Fantasy XIII-2. It jam-packs so many shot-reverse-shot exposition deluges that I felt dizzy going into the final Caius battle. The pantheon of gods and goddesses that have only been mentioned briefly up to this point might as well get slide decks because that's how long Noel and Mog's lectures go on during the last few levels. This structure would have been much more palatable if the game had done a better job spacing out this information. Instead, it shoots on all cylinders with less than two to three hours left.

Not only does the game make a sloppy bum-rush in reminding you that it has a story, but its production values also plummet. The last four levels, including Valhalla, all repeat the same ruined silver futuristic city landscape, with the one difference being the filters. A Dying World uses a grey filter; 700 AF Bodhum uses a yellow filter; 500 AF Academia uses a red filter. Likewise, none of the final levels are especially fun to play. While it pales in comparison to the one-way escalators in 400 AF Academia, the 500 AF version is no cakewalk. I got severe flashbacks to the neon pink one-way corridors in the penultimate level in Final Fantasy XIII. Yet again, you ferry Serah and Noel from one narrow staircase or walkway to the next, with no end in sight. It is the blandest and most vanilla-ass level design in the entire game, and it also happens to be the game's climax. Oh, and how could I not mention how intolerable the random encounters become! As said last episode, the one feather in Final Fantasy XIII's hat is that it does not have random encounters. When Final Fantasy XIII-2 borrows its predecessor's level design, its inclusion of random encounters makes everything slow to a crawl.

Speaking of questionable productions values, the entire final act of the game lacks any semblance of enemy variety. I know Final Fantasy XIII-2 borrows HEAVILY from XIII's bestiary and sparingly adds anything new, but fighting the same Cie'th enemy types, just as I did in the final act of Final Fantasy XIII, left a bad taste in my mouth. Additionally, what the fuck is up with the music whenever you go to Academia? If there is one unmistakable positive aspect of Final Fantasy XIII, it is that its OST is a masterclass of excellence. Its sweeping orchestral tracks are something I still go back to from time to time, with the music at Oerba as one of my personal favorites. Final Fantasy XIII-2 is an odd jumble of synth pop tunes and discordant chamber music. Its outright refusal to commit to a single musical style or genre never ceased to fuck with my brain. Yes, I respect how hard the music team went with their rendition of the Chocobo theme, but that's one of the few genuinely iconic tracks in the entire game. More often than not, you have half-baked and undermixed high hats or drum riffs that sound like the ones you would find on an outdated version of FruityLoops or Magix Music Maker. In the final level of the game, instead of giving you an epic crescendoing orchestra, it gives you the most artificial and skeletal-sounding piano solo. It's an odd choice that bugged me to no end.

Part 14: The Ending Of Final Fantasy XIII-2 Is Some Of The Dumbest Shit I Have Ever Seen

Before we jump into the absolute insanity of Final Fantasy XIII-2's ending, I must insist we talk about its last three boss battles. Things start with Chaos Bahamut because what is any "good" Final Fantasy game without a Bahamut battle? Though it annoyingly alternates between long-range and close-range attacks, it is a bit of a gimmick fight. If you have Serah or a Saboteur monster whittle away on its buffs with "deprotect," its base health isn't as impressive as you'd think. Things ramp up dramatically with Caius as this version gains a new ability that can immediately inflict a character with Curse, Deprotect, Deshell, Poison, and Daze all in one move. It's complete and total bullshit, and I hated it every time. Final Fantasy XIII and XIII-2 do not understand how annoying it is to get rid of status effects during battles. Esuna doesn't do jack shit, and you spend up to three turns just getting your debuffed characters back to "normal." This process alone drags the late-game boss battles on for HOURS!

Much like all Final Fantasy games, the final bosses have some bullshit immunities. Caius is unsusceptible to the aggro-drawing Sentinel abilities, making an entire class USELESS whenever you fight him! On top of that, he can instantly remove any accumulated points you have to his Chain Gauge, which can make staggering him impossible. There was no more a demoralizing sight than when I was three or four hits away from staggering Caius, only to see him instantly set his gauge back to zero with a simple finger snap. I had less of an issue with his second and third forms, though I did find it hilarious when Caius used a revive spell to come back from the dead. However, none of this compares to the battle against the four colored dragons. I thought Orphan was a big heaping pile of bullshit, but Jet Bahamut is on a whole different level. Though Jet Bahamut is your ultimate goal, there's a correct "order" on how to reach it. Something that drove me bonkers was keeping track of the buffs and debuffs on the various dragons. Often, I would attempt to cast "Deprotect" only to discover I selected the wrong target.

Before you ask, I did scan each boss, but they all look similar enough that it was still tough to tell them apart. Like before, everyone here likes to inflict Serah or Noel with every status effect under the sun, and AGAIN, it takes FOREVER to resolve this problem. It's also one of the few bosses that takes advantage of XIII-2's front and back row mechanic, a mechanic you can't take advantage of personally. Sometimes dragons that you are just moments away from beating ignore the game's turn order, retreat, and tag in a different max-health ally to take their place while they heal up in the background. The purple Bahamut does nothing but AOE magical damage and can even summon a massive sword to fight alongside it. If you don't have a high-tier Sentinel monster, you might as well give up. I still think the first battle against Barthandelus is the worst storyline required boss encounter in franchise history. Still, this Bahamut circle-jerk deserves top five considerations.

Yet, we shouldn't dwell on fucked up boss battles for too long because there are bigger fish to fry. When everything is said and done, and you trigger the game's ending, you are in for one of the most incoherent fever dreams Square-Enix has conceived in the past twenty years. With Caius defeated, he demands that Noel finish him and set the final part of his destiny into motion. When Noel refuses, Caius approaches him, grabs his sword, and kills himself. Now, I'm not one to nitpick stupid story shit in a Final Fantasy game, but this scene made me go full-on berserker mode. Caius has been lumbering around the world of Fabula Nova Crystallis with a big-ass sword FOR CENTURIES! If committing suicide is all he needs to do to make his evil scheme happen, then why didn't he do that in the first place? I was under the impression that he needed Noel to be the one to kill him, but it appears that was not the case. Why moan and complain for HUNDREDS OF YEARS if you could have done this all along?!

Somehow committing seppuku allows Caius to transport himself to Valhalla, the realm where Valkyrie Lightning exists. However, Lightning is still absent, and Serah worries that maybe Caius has killed her and they have somehow failed to correct the timeline. Serah, Noel, and Mog then teleport to Gran Pulse in 500 AF and find a teeming metropolis on New Cocoon. Curiously, it is named after the god Bhunivelze, whom we have only sparingly encountered in the game. When Noel and Serah walk up to the gate to Valhalla and discover it safe, the two realize they have completed their mission of making the world whole. Serah thanks Noel and then dies. She says, "Thanks for everything, Noel, but I'm going to die now" and promptly becomes a ghost. It happens so suddenly I felt inspired to load up a save to re-watch the entire cutscene. Yes, the game has repeatedly warned us that Serah will die upon completing her mission. Still, I didn't think this would happen in the most unsatisfying manner possible. Here I thought tri-Ace was about to hit me with their most lethal dose of melodramatic anime horseshit. Instead, they up and fridge Serah so Lightning can come back and be the protagonist in the next Final Fantasy XIII game!

What happens after Serah's death is, at the very least, "punchy." There's a scene in which Serah's spirit communes with Lightning, and while touching, it felt like a direct rip of the ending of Final Fantasy X where Tidus comforts a weeping Yuna before he leaps into the Farplane. Even more hilarious is when Serah takes the time to lay out how she knew correcting the timeline would kill her as she is a sorceress under the employ of the goddess of death, Etro. I found this laughable because her speech to Lightning marked what had to be the eighteenth goddamn time the game lectures the audience that EXACT plot point! However, all is forgiven when we discover Serah's death was what Caius was planning. Noel realizes that they have accidentally killed Etro by letting Serah die as a dark cloud invades New Cocoon. We discover this ghostly spirit is none other than Chaos, and it even manages to corrupt the god of creation. Caius binds himself to Chaos to become a demigod and, with the most incredible shit-eating grin on his face, starts blowing up the world. It's a real "Haha! I threw that shit before I walked in the room!" moment, and I LOVE IT! Not since the likes of Kuja or Kefka have I seen a villain take great pride in their schemes, pull it off, and look like they are enjoying themselves. It's a fun callback to Final Fantasy games of yesteryear.

Part 15: Let's Talk About The DLC Shit That SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE GAME!

I should note that seeing Caius gloat on the throne of Etro is exclusive to Final Fantasy XIII-2's "true" ending. You have to put up with a ton of bullshit to get it, and I'd advise most to look it up on YouTube after getting the "normal" ending. I am, however, dancing around the issue that Final Fantasy XIII-2 is the middle chapter of a trilogy and, as a result, doesn't have a self-contained ending. Our time with Serah is undoubtedly over, but Caius is more potent than he was at the start of the game, and the world order we sought to protect is all but destroyed. I played this game well after its original release and was able to transition into Lightning Returns almost immediately. If I had to wait for an additional two to three years to get the "stunning conclusion" to this ordeal, I would have been a bit peeved. Worse, with nearly ten hours of Lightning Returns under my belt as of the publishing of this blog, there's a different issue worth addressing. The XIII games are not a franchise; they are an anthology. Sure, there's a more honest attempt to bridge the gap between XIII-2 and Lightning Returns than XIII to XIII-2. Nonetheless, Lightning Returns, much like XIII-2, feels like a soft reboot wherein a new writing team shit-can all of the themes and narrative choices from the previous game so their story can have more creative freedom. So, YET AGAIN, a handful of exciting character arcs and plot threads remain entirely unresolved.

Even if you want to challenge me on that last note, there's a more nefarious aspect of Final Fantasy XIII-2 that I find unconscionable. The DLC scenario for Lightning (i.e., "Lightning's Story: Requiem of the Goddess") should NOT have been sold separately. I understand that the Game Pass and PC releases package all of the story scenarios into the casino, or in this case, the main menu. However, knowing this even exists isn't all that clear to the player. Likewise, knowing when to play any of this content is confusing. Sazh and Snow's scenarios are goofy one-off character-building missions that fill you in on what they have been doing since the events of the last game. Both provide incredibly earnest and emotionally-charged soliloquies and probably get more attention than what they deserve when you consider their roles in Final Fantasy XIII. I know some of you are Sazh defenders, but honestly, giving him a DLC mission makes the underutilization of Fang and Vanille in XIII-2 all the more unacceptable.

On the other hand, Lightning's DLC boggles my mind. Mechanically, it is a preview of what tri-Ace had in store for Lightning Returns. The classes Lightning can shift to using the Paradigm System are not the ones were are accustomed to and, instead, a diverse collection of jobs from previous Final Fantasy games. Gone are the Ravager and Commando, and back are the Paladin and Mage. They are fun to play, but the game doesn't precisely prime you for its fundamental pivot away from the core mechanics of Final Fantasy XIII. Thus, it is a challenging scenario that can very quickly breed frustration. I did enjoy the truncated leveling system and found it to fit the scenario's short playtime. I was less enthused by Caius being your only enemy and you fighting him repeatedly. Likewise, the level variety is barely there with you looking at and exploring the same desolate city ruins over and over again. Like the base game, you can tell the team behind Lightning's DLC cut costs while still trying to squeeze the absolute most they could from the Final Fantasy XIII engine.

But what about the compelling backstory for Lightning following the events of Final Fantasy XIII? It is here where Lightning's DLC both hooks and loses me. It hooked me because the Lightning in this episode was a far more convincing and fully-realized character than the one we encountered in Final Fantasy XIII. You can tell by this game and especially by Lightning Returns that the writing team finally decided what they wanted out of her as a character. The benefit of this "Come to Jesus moment" is that Ali Hillis, Lightning's English voice actor, puts more effort into her performance. You slowly start to see a more sardonic, sarcastic, and honestly more captivating version of Lightning throughout this episode. The only problem is that the dialogue here is jam-packed with technobabble and the same proper-noun syndrome that makes whole swaths of Final Fantasy XIII incomprehensible even to an MIT graduate.

At least there are some fantastic visuals and character moments, which is all you can hope for in cheaply made DLC. In what I can only describe as the final nail in Final Fantasy XIII's coffin, Lightning confronts a Yeul doppelganger to free Serah's soul from the throne of Etro. This "Shadow Yeul" consumes Lightning in a shroud of darkness and deletes her Eidolon. With the last mechanical hallmark of XIII dead, the rest of the DLC feels like an obituary to the game that started this sub-franchise. For example, Lightning spends a portion of her time reviewing her accomplishments in Final Fantasy XIII and dismissing them as irrelevant. Despite her best efforts, Serah is still dead, and she is no closer to seeing her sister again. Lightning's speeches also have a religious undercurrent. She laments her sister's death and pontificates if it is punishment for her sins. This religious tone is a huge focus in Lightning Returns, but there is no denying that it is far removed from the themes of XIII and even XIII-2.

The good news is that this particular DLC at least tries to ease people into Lightning Returns' wild and wacky world. Just as Lightning gives up hope as she further descends into an existential crisis, Serah's soul beckons to her. Serah comforts her older sister even though her soul is tied to Etro's throne. ONCE AGAIN, she confirms that she knew she would die and states that the two will meet again. Lightning gains confidence that she can make things right and decides to sit on Etro's throne and enter a hibernating state. So, there's your hint that with Etro's death, everyone in the world is immortal and unable to die. Yup, that's it, but at least it is something. Before we transition to my final thoughts, it would behoove me to mention the "alternate" endings for Final Fantasy XIII-2. During some of the dialogue prompts, you can select an incorrect or obscure choice to discover alternate but non-canonical conclusions. In my case, out of morbid curiosity, I wanted to see what would happen if Serah never exited the dream state created by Chaos. These endings are goofy fail states, but finding them is a decent amount of fun. The effort put into some of these endings is stunning, but there's no doubting that they are essentially a fun distraction and nothing more.

Post-Script: Should You Play Final Fantasy XIII-2?

After spending three longer than necessary blogs broadly talking positively about the game, I hate to say it, but my answer is "probably not." Under no circumstances should anyone allow this to be their first impression of the Final Fantasy franchise. Since publishing the last blog, I have had several people reach out to me privately to say they too are fans of Final Fantasy XIII-2, and some have even told me it was the first Final Fantasy game they had played. I don't fuck with that. Final Fantasy XIII-2 is a game that requires you to approach it with a particular mindset to get any modicum of joy. If you have already made up your mind about Final Fantasy XIII and every game that derives from it, there's nothing here. If you have a deep aversion to XIII's combat, this game improves on that combat but still has many of the same shortcomings. Finally, you have to turn your brain off whenever the game gets heavy with its lore, and I know that's not something most people enjoy having to do.

It is a dirty and messy video game, and I do not want anyone thinking it is anything but that. I highlighted XIII-2's gameplay accomplishments in the previous episodes, BUT I also feel like underscoring its mechanical failures. The Pokémon-inspired monster collecting is weird, and it subjects you more often than you would like to aimless fetch quests. In addition, its story is a teeming dumpster fire. I will be the first to admit that it made me laugh, but I highly doubt that was the intended reaction. The game spends so much of its time lingering on its character-based drama that it comes across as hilarious. The game's ending is a complete mess, and even after reading multiple fan explanations as to why Caius can commit suicide, I'm still flabbergasted. Don't get me wrong. Should random strangers offer me their ear, I'm likely to ask them to listen to me fail to explain the plot synopsis of Final Fantasy XIII-2, and that's likely why I spent that time in prison.

Nonetheless, this game is entertaining to watch and evolve before your eyes. Even when the game is in its worst form, it is endlessly engaging. You have to put up with a bunch of bullshit, don't get me wrong, but there's no denying that the game is a genuine joy to play. Likewise, the game openly recognizing its stupidity from time to time helps. The world surrounding the Final Fantasy XIII universe is absurd, and it was refreshing to see Square-Enix double back and accept that. You can yell and scream about Square-Enix soft-rebooting the themes and story arcs first introduced in XIII in favor of schlock until your face turns blue. However, if you accept that the XIII series is less a trilogy and more a collection of three video games of Square-Enix burning fat stacks of cash, I think you can reconcile that. It's almost admirable how thoroughly they throw the baby out with the bathwater regarding Final Fantasy XIII, especially with its heavier themes about state religion, dogma, and destiny.

To anyone who would counter that the game was better off following Final Fantasy XIII's footsteps, I ask you to think about how that would work. Who's journey would we follow? Snow as he attempts to plan a wedding? Lightning as she rejoins the military? Which stories were left unresolved or in a state where you wanted to learn more about them after the events of XIII? And let's suppose you chime in with Vanille or Fang. In that case, XIII's inability to make them queer dampens my ability to trust whatever Square-Enix has planned for them. Yes, Final Fantasy XIII-2 treats its predecessor with little reverence, but that well is bone dry! You'll have better luck trying to squeeze water out of stones than get another half-decent storyline from OG Final Fantasy XIII.

Ultimately, I think it's time for veterans of the Final Fantasy series to make their peace with what this franchise will provide moving forward. Likewise, and I have spent a lot of time thinking about this point, but I can only imagine that there are people perfectly content with the state of the series right now. I think I, and the rest of the Final Fantasy fanbase, need to be more cognizant that there are people who only know the Nomura era. And you bet they are 100% content with the franchise's direction. For them, Final Fantasy XIII-2 is a pretty easy recommendation. It's an apt continuation of the tropes and idioms of prior Nomura-led projects, and it even sands the edges off some of his rougher sensibilities. And if you really want to play an RPG with an epic world that treats the Final Fantasy IP with complete and total reverence, there's always Final Fantasy XIV right there.

It's Time For Another Edition Of The Giant Bomb Community Endurance Run!

Whelp, it is Spring, and you know what that means! It's time for another edition of the Giant Bomb Community Endurance Run (i.e., the GBCER)! As many of you already know, through the GBCER, I help raise money for an educational charity to fund academic opportunities in developing nations. The charity, Pencils of Promise, builds schools, trains teachers, and sends kids to school in Ghana, Laos, and Guatemala. This year, my fundraising goal is $2,500, which is enough to fund an entire classroom operated by Pencils of Promise for a whole year! It would be the most significant amount of money I have ever raised for charity if I am successful, but even half this amount would be exciting.

Here are the important donation links. While the page recommends donations of $75, as that is the cost of fully funding a year's worth of education for a single student, all donation amounts are appreciated. A handful of my close friends donated $5, which is still a huge help. Please consider sharing my donation page with your gaming groups, co-workers, friends, or family members if you cannot contribute financially.

• Individual Donation Page: https://fundraise.pencilsofpromise.org/fundraiser/3759614
• Team Donation Page: https://fundraise.pencilsofpromise.org/team/412231
• Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/zombiepie

However, I wouldn't be writing this blog if it weren't at least tangentially related to video games or this community. As mentioned in the introduction, all of this charity work will be streamed on Giant Bomb and in chat as part of the Giant Bomb Community Endurance Run! From April 8th through the 10th, you will be able to watch Giant Bomb staff, guests, and users stream endless hours of video games, all in the name of charity! If you are interested in being able to keep track of the many streams we will have running live on these three days, check out https://www.explosiveruns.com/. With all of that out of the way, let's talk about my plans for the event!

April 8th - The Quest For The Worst Adventure Game Puzzle: The Journeyman Project 1: Pegasus Prime [3:30 pm – 10:30 pm PDT]

Are you someone who has enjoyed my adventure game blog series on this site and is interested in seeing how the sausage gets made? If you said "yes," I have a stream for you! On Friday, I will be kicking things off for a solid six to seven hours, during which I will stream The Journeyman Project: Pegasus Prime As part of my stream, I will take notes and discuss puzzle rankings while playing the game blind and without a guide. I will endeavor to complete the entire game in one sitting. However, given the game is about six hours long, and that's the expected duration of my Friday stream, I make no promises. Nonetheless, it should be a fun time regardless, considering the game's reputation for having some bizarre and wacky puzzles that only an MIT graduate could solve and a story that I understand "goes places." Also, if you wanted to know, the next adventure game I expect to cover for my puzzle ranking series is none other than Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis. Though I "finished" Starship Titanic, I have no idea how I want to cover or discuss that game on the site, if at all.

Nonetheless, let's talk about some of my donation incentives for this stream! I have been meaning to do this for a while, but I will allow COMMUNITY SUGGESTIONS for future episodes of my "The Quest For The Worst Adventure Game Puzzles Ever Made!" series. For just $35, you can add the name of your favorite adventure game to my list of possible topics! To give you an idea of how this will work, I put games on a Google Form, and then I use a random number generator to figure out which game I will discuss next. If you donate the specified amount, I promise to play and blog about your game before the end of the year! That's an absolute promise I am willing to adhere to for the rest of 2022! So, if you want me to tackle a highly-venerated classic in LucasArts's catalog or maybe a more obscure Myst-like, donate $35, and I will do the rest of the work to make the magic happen! Also, if you are feeling exceptionally generous, I am willing to take up to THREE suggestions per person! This challenge will be available for the entire event and is NOT time-sensitive!

April 9th: 12(+1) Hours For Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII [10:00am – 10:00pm PDT]

As they say, new year, ordinary me, and the same old shit. As is tradition, I will be playing a Final Fantasy game for the lion's share of my streaming for the Giant Bomb Community Endurance Run. Last year I decided to play OG Final Fantasy II in the hope of people reveling in my absolute misery. This year, I decided to "treat myself" to what some people promised would be a good time. So, here we are; I'm playing Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII for twelve hours straight. I hope this isn't some trick. I hope that the opening scene I saw when I tested my streaming set-up isn't just a one-off goof. I hope all of you that said this game's version of the dressphere system is fun were not bullshitting. I hope those who said Lightning is an enjoyable character in Lightning Returns are not dirty liars. Because if this is a cruel prank, I will be miserable for twelve hours.

Because I genuinely want to maximize the experience, I am going into this game with zero prep. I have not consulted a guide, and I have not gone past the game's opening act. I have tested the first cutscene and combat sequence to make sure the game works on OBS. That's the extent of my exposure to Lightning Returns, and it will remain that way until April 9th. If you have any tips or tricks, feel free to share them, but I think the stream overall will benefit from me not knowing what I am getting into until I start. Before progressing the story, I don't know which outfits to make a beeline for or which side quests to complete. This is a "true" blind playthrough. If you are worried about me making rookie mistakes, please tune in when the stream starts or follow my Twitch account to get updates on when I start.

I'm using my old charity stream battleax for incentives: food challenges. However, this year, I will tackle an area of cuisine I have known issues processing. While I have done very little to prepare for Lightning Returns, I have gone on a bit of a shopping spree and came across some fine products manufactured by the Jelly Belly candy company. Now I know it is still popular to eat those 50/50 rancid Bean Boozled jellybeans, but I'm not too fond of those because if you get the non-rancid flavors, it's a bummer for the audience. As a result, I bought two packs of the "Fiery Five" edition of the Bean Boozled jellybeans. No matter what, I will set my tongue on fire, and as someone who is notably weak to spicy foods, this is bound to get "interesting." The jelly beans rank in spiciness from "Siracha" to "Carolina Reaper." Whenever I raise $200, I randomly select a jelly bean while blindfolded and eat the bean I pull up. Also, if I reach my fundraising goal before the end of the stream, I will play the game an additional hour.

April 10th: Six Ages: Ride Like The Wind & John Drake's Pizza Challenge! [10:00am – 4:00pm PDT]

Last year, I streamed King of Dragon Pass for six hours, and it was a surprise hit with the community. For this year, I will play the game's spiritual successor, Six Ages: Ride Like the Wind. Based on what I have gathered, it is as confusing and irreverently up its own ass with its lore as King of Dragon Pass. It has a different, wildly detailed pantheon of gods and goddesses, leading to extraordinarily rambunctious and unpredictable side quests. Additionally, from what I could discern from the few hours I tested it, Six Ages has as many inscrutable sliders and alignment charts. Also, despite only playing the game for three hours, I somehow managed to get a "Game Over," which confirms that Six Ages also has the same cruelty and randomness as its predecessor. These "hints" about the game's qualities should lead to a highly entertaining livestream to cap off my contributions to the GBCER.

Now, I have to weave you a bit of a legend for my donation incentive. A few months back, I celebrated the anniversary of the most successful blog I have ever published on Giant Bomb. This blog involved me eating an entire Little Caesars Hot N Ready pizza in real-time. That blog drew over 180 comments, and I will almost certainly never surpass that mark. Regardless, while I was celebrating this blog's 12th birthday, a one John T. Drake decided to cyberbully me on Twitter. At first, I didn't make anything of their relentless but cruel teasing. However, after their playful jests of me being "soft," they then began to spin a bunch of yang of how not only could they eat a Costco pizza without a complaint in the world, but also how they could down a chocolate shake as a side dish. John Drake is a menace, and I would be grateful if you could help me prove as much on the final day of the GBCER. Therefore, if I raise $2,000 before Sunday, April 10th, I will buy a Little Caesars Hot N Ready pizza and challenge myself to eat it within one and a half hours. I want YOU to help ME prove John Drake wrong! THIS MAN CANNOT BE TRUSTED!

Not only that, but you can also make my pizza the stuff of pizza-eating ironman legends. If you donate $50, you can suggest ANYTHING be placed on a slice of pizza. And when I say "anything," I mean it. Do you want me to put fresh banana slices or peanut butter on a pepperoni pizza? Donate $50, and I will make it happen. If you want me to put stupid shit like fish or cocoa powder on my pizza, donate $50, and you will be able to do that. As I said, I am open to ANYTHING, and I encourage it because I want to create a pizza I know John Drake would NEVER eat. After all, he's as soft as sour cream. So, with that in mind, here are the donation links if any of you reading this blog are interested in helping me!

• Individual Donation Page: https://fundraise.pencilsofpromise.org/fundraiser/3759614
• Team Donation Page: https://fundraise.pencilsofpromise.org/team/412231
• Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/zombiepie

Author's Note: Hey everyone, this episode has been delayed for several reasons, the least of which include me getting some of the worst writer's block I have had in a while. Nonetheless, when I finally buckled down to write the second episode, I realized it would be best to break apart the first and second half of the game into two parts instead of smushing all of the game's insane story into a single episode. So, in other words, you can expect at least another episode of my series on Final Fantasy XIII-2 by tomorrow. If you missed the previous episode, you can use the link below to get caught up with what I said about the game's mechanics and systems!

• Episode 1: This Is One Of The Most Unfairly Overhated Games Ever

Part 8: Have I Mentioned How Serah Is A Far Better Protagonist Than Lightning

As noted in the previous episode, I love how Final Fantasy XIII-2 starts. In that post, I mentioned I appreciated the QTEs and how they clue you into the game's thematic changes from Final Fantasy XIII. The game effectively conveys its wildly rambunctious tone and pace within minutes. Nonetheless, I want to talk about what I think is one of the clearest examples of why Final Fantasy XIII-2 is an objectively better game than Final Fantasy XIII: its characters. Without a shadow of a doubt, Serah is a better character than Lightning. From the start, the game has two overarching themes related to Serah. The first is that she is one of the few people who recall the world of Final Fantasy XIII before paradoxes created an alternate reality. In the world of Final Fantasy XIII-2, Lightning is "dead," which is a pretty incredible mic drop moment. Unlike everyone around her, Serah recalls celebrating Fang and Vanille saving Cocoon instead of XIII-2's continuity wherein Lightning makes that sacrifice. By comparison, what does Final Fantasy XIII accomplish with Lightning as a character other than hammer home the point that she wants to convert her crystalized sister back into a person?

The other overarching theme is that Serah is secretly a sorceress, much like Yeul. The story eventually reveals that she has a connection to the goddess Etro and Serah's efforts to restore reality are slowly killing her. Now, I'm not going to say that Square-Enix plagiarized Cardcaptor Sakura, but I will imply that the comparisons write themselves. Nonetheless, Serah's two major storylines build a sense of mystery and add some much-needed stakes to the overall narrative. Again, compare that to Lightning, a character whose motivations I think most of you would struggle to remember. Yes, she wants to save her sister. However, do you remember anything else about her and her motivations for working with her teammates? I also feel like highlighting the strength of the interplay between Serah and Noel. The two characters we control naturally inquire about their pasts and organically fill in worldbuilding blanks left unresolved from Final Fantasy XIII. Compare that to Lighting in XIII, who would silently stand next to Hope while he moaned about his mother.

Likewise, when you start exploring the Historia Crux, Serah evolves as a character. At the start of the game, she maintains her bubbly personality. However, that subsides as the darker themes of the game start to get into full motion. Regardless, that transition is slow and works in stops and spurts. The first "true" level in Final Fantasy XIII-2 happens in the Bresha Ruins, and it serves as an opportunity for the player to get their feet wet and decide what version of Serah they want to roleplay as in their playthrough. I mentioned it in the last episode, but I am not interested in 100%-ing this game and elected to have Serah respond to every person and dialogue prompt with sass and sarcasm, and I don't regret a goddamn thing. Nevertheless, even in this pseudo tutorial level, you encounter a handful of NPCs who will transform and grow older before your eyes as you progress through the Historia Crux.

That leads me to one of the lesser reported recurring themes in Final Fantasy XIII-2. Every level in the game clues you into different parts of the story. For example, upon entering the game's third required location, the Yaschas Massif, Noel and Serah discover the city darkened thanks to the presence of the fal'Cie Fenrir. In Final Fantasy XIII, the game could never decide what it wanted from the fal'Cie. They actively impeded Lightning's progress during its opening act and visibly asserted their presence. However, by the game's mid-point, they fall to the wayside to make way for Barthandelus and whatever grand conspiracy Orphan was trying to enact. With Final Fantasy XIII-2, the mythological monsters are rampaging because they are out of place in the world's messy continuity. However, to return to my earlier point, the third location provides Hope's introduction and kicks off Noel's Farseer plotline. Every level does something to progress at least one element of the story. It's not a groundbreaking idea. However, it's a better alternative to Final Fantasy XIII. A game, by all metrics, that has levels and characters that exist for the sake of it.

If me positively talking about Final Fantasy XIII-2 is surprising to you, then buckle up because I have another hot take that will blow you away. I will discuss this point shortly, but I don't hate Noel's backstory. If anything, it makes the connection between Noel and Caius explicit, which is to the game's benefit. Final Fantasy XIII-2 is one of the FEW Final Fantasy games with a communicated villain that sticks with you from beginning to end. I will agree with the general sentiment that Caius's motivations and actions are often over the top and convoluted. Trust me; we will talk about the game's ending next time. Despite that, when examined under the lens of Final Fantasy XIII, Noel's attempts to end a vicious repeating cycle, and Caius's "I want to kill you" attitude, are refreshingly coherent.

If anything, the Farseers' storyline finds an exciting way to tie in Vanille and Fang and their experiences on Gran Pulse to Final Fantasy XIII-2. I feel people who claim that they dislike how Final Fantasy XIII-2 aggressively discards Final Fantasy XIII's themes overlook the fact that Noel's whole deal feels like a soft reboot of Final Fantasy XIII but in a more cohesive manner. If you liked Final Fantasy XIII, I'm curious why Noel's quest to "rewrite destiny" isn't viewed as an improved retread of what XIII attempted with Vanille. The overall ideas are similar, and they share the same plot points. Yet, I think we are dancing around the single best part of Final Fantasy XIII-2: Caius. Caius is the best!

Part 9: Caius Is One Of The Better Modern Era Final Fantasy Villains!

As mentioned earlier, when you first meet and talk to the game's matured version of Hope, it starts to pull the curtain back on Noel and Caius. Both are Farseers that once protected a sorceress named Yeul. This sorceress supposedly predicted the "Day of Ragnarok" and attempted to catalyze the world's end by inciting a riot. In the subsequent level, Serah confronts Noel, who, upon seeing what he assumes to be Yeul, beckons for her to stop Caius from doing evil shit. Caius remarks that Noel is seeing an echo of the Yeul Noel is familiar with and laments that if he doesn't burn everything down to the ground, all of the alternate Yeuls will meet the same unfortunate fate as the original. I know that that last sentence is a bit of a mouthful, but it is also something we can all agree is quintessential Square-Enix. This point, again, returns me to the issue of my not understanding the hatred for this game. What you get here are hyper-charged characters who communicate their aspirations clearly with a plot that repeats much of what we have come to recognize as "typical" Square-Enix storytelling. Yeul being a sorceress trapped in alternate timelines is a fascinating Final Fantasy VIII callback, and there's an element to Caius that pines for Siefer and Kuja.

Speaking of which, let's talk about Caius. Caius wants to kill Noel and Serah, and you almost end up rooting for the guy for the lengths he goes to make this happen. Likewise, when you discover that he wants to burn everything down to the ground because Noel fucked up, there's an element to him that feels like a throwback to Final Fantasy villains of old. His "If I can't have it, no one can" attitude reminded me of Kuja's character break at the end of Final Fantasy IX. While Kuja is a far better character, Caius's driving character motivations are similar. Nevertheless, Caius's serious and sometimes under pronounced nature makes him feel different from the rest of the game's cast, allowing him to shine better during cutscenes. Also, as you progress the story, he becomes less of a mustache-twirling villain and more a figure of sympathy. For example, his claims of not wanting to be a person without freedom of choice are entirely understandable.

I didn't even mind Caius's Super Sentai-looking armor decorated with purple feathers. It is a very "of the era" Square-Enix character design. Still, when you consider that the guy's actual attacks are essentially the ultimate moves of Kamen Rider villains, with him announcing them as a good Kamen Rider villain should, I thought it was more than justified. It is also worth mentioning that the collectible fragments you can find strewn about the multiple timelines address Caius's backstory even further. You discover that Caius has insecurities about a battle he almost lost and that his relationship with Yeul is what drives his quest for ending the universe as we know it. His connection to the goddess of Etro is a bit messy. Still, for the game's purposes, you start to accept what Caius wants, but as with most good villains, understand that his way is incorrect. If he is victorious, you know his actions will bring forth untold horrors to a world still in the process of rebuilding.

None of this is to suggest that Caius's characterization is perfect. When the game's final story arc kicks into gear, everyone starts uttering proper nouns at a breakneck speed, making even fans of the Final Fantasy XIII universe dizzy. Likewise, Yeul, despite being the focal point for Caius and Noel's rivalry, never feels like a full-fledged character. Often, she spouts a series of names, usually the names of goddesses or gods you have never seen before, and evaporates into a mote of dust. When you discover how her death is what "breaks" Caius and sets the game's events into motion, the story becomes almost intolerably ham-fisted. Final Fantasy XIII-2 is at its best when it revels in its silliness, but there does come the point when it decides to bludgeon you over the head with melodrama. And I'm sorry, but the big plot twist involving Serah at the end is stupid. I get that Lightning Returns makes good on some of its unresolved elements, but the characters you come to grow to love in this game don't exactly get the sense of resolution they deserve.

Part 10: The Tone Of The Story Is Goofy And Irreverent, And I'm Okay With That!

Final Fantasy XIII-2 is a rare game where I can pinpoint the exact moment when I "turned around" on it. After Serah and Noel resolve one of the required paradoxes, they fall into a realm called "The Void Beyond." Eventually, you discover that whenever the two "fix" the central paradoxes plaguing the universe, this void begins to populate itself with forgotten relics and monuments from the previous game. However, when the intrepid time cops first discover the area, it is a field of nothingness. Here, our primary characters relax, discuss their current circumstances, and share what they did before the start of their adventure. It seems like such an odd thing to praise, but it is here that Final Fantasy XIII-2 accomplishes something that its predecessor continually failed to do, time and time again: make our characters feel "real."

Outside of the one time Vanille and Sazh explore a casino, the characters of Final Fantasy XIII rarely talk to each other like genuine friends. It was such a bizarre storytelling decision as providing ample opportunities for party members to chat and chill is an unspoken series tradition. For example, when I think back to Final Fantasy VI, unlike most, my favorite moments are not the ones that involve Kefka or the Emperor. Scenes like the "Coin Toss" between Sabin and Edgar or Cyan chilling in a bar and getting hit on by a waitress resonate the most with me. I love those moments because they allow me to view the game's events through the eyes of the characters. Thanks to those quieter moments, I understand who they are and their emotional state. Final Fantasy XIII-2, despite all of its flaws, has humanizing moments like those that its predecessor desperately needed before playing out its "epic" storyline about fighting against religious dogma. For example, while I understand why Serah and Noel are working together, I still have ZERO understanding of why Lightning accepts Hope or Fang into her social network other than the story needs her to do that.

This point does lead to an issue that many of Final Fantasy XIII's defenders bring up against XIII-2: its story is too irreverent. To highlight, the one time Serah meets up with Snow, all they do is punch a giant slime in the face and throw Mog around like a sack of shit. I admit a giant Flan being the focal point of saving Cocoon's crystal pillar, one of the most important monuments from the previous game, is ridiculous. However, the game manages to do some compelling worldbuilding that its detractors ignore. First, the overpopulation of the flans is a direct result of the characters destroying the fal'Cie that once kept the Sunleth Waterscape's ecosystem in check. I genuinely thought this was an exciting way to manifest that the characters' actions in the previous game had real worldwide consequences. It reminded me of Final Fantasy X-2 and the slowly dying away of the Macalania Woods. Additionally, it is one of the better examples of a level that transforms when you go further down the timeline. Finally, it was nice to have at least one set-piece that shared the context behind why Snow and Serah love each other.

And I don't know; I thought the scene at the Academy when Serah yelled at the flans for roughhousing was a perfect example of why this game is at its best when it is being silly. Similarly, after your first visit to Oerba, the game presents an alternate reality at Yaschas Massif wherein the characters need to reintroduce themselves to Hope. There's a dialogue choice for Serah that amounts to "Aw, shit, seriously? We have to listen to Hope's lecture about the end of the world, AGAIN?!" If you tell me you didn't have any fun playing this game, I assume you actively avoided zanier dialogue options like those. When you return to a different date at the Augusta Tower, you find out that Hope made an evil robot that murdered everyone, and one of your choices for Noel is to say, "Yup, we sure don't want this to become our future!" The few times when the characters vocally share their bewilderment with the events surrounding them are the best moments in the game. In that same battle against the giant robot, Serah ends the fight in a cutscene wherein she charges the damn thing while shouting, "These machines are driving me nuts!"

But maybe you like a dash of melodrama in your modern Final Fantasy games! For the most part, Final Fantasy XIII-2 has you covered. In the Void Beyond, Noel explains that the Farseers always have a girl called Yeul with the same appearance and responsibilities. Caius is always her Guardian, but he's fucking done with the world's shit for reasons still unknown. Again, there's an aspect to the raw indignance to Caius looking at the mess the world has become and saying, "Yo, this shit sucks!" that I respect. While the conclusion is a disappointment, the early plot point of Yeul providing Serah "hints" about how to go about fixing everything worked for me. I do admit; the story doesn't do enough to explain why or how the timeline got fucked up from XIII to XIII-2. However, the first time you watch Yeul die, you understand that there is a cost to fixing things to be the way they should be AND why Caius is not having it. The existence of imposters allows the game to play around with the same Caius boss battle to where you never know what to expect until you fight him. The game is a mishmash, and you will never see me deny that fact, but it's one of those rare examples where even the shit that sounds weird is something you need to see in person to understand why it works.

Part 11: Did I Mention How There Are Some Real Crummy Levels And Puzzles In This Game?

We will fast-forward things and jump to the events at the Archylte Steppe and then juxtapose to Academia (400 AF). For reference, I did tackle some of the content at the Coliseum. As I will discuss separately, I don't hate what Square-Enix did with the Coliseum, and I got a good laugh when I replaced my (not) Pokémon with Sazh. Nonetheless, the DLC involving Lightning seems like something that should be in the game, and while I am happy there are side quests at all in XIII-2, they are way too cookie-cutter for my taste. Moving on to the Archylte Steppe, this was the level that almost "broke me." Without a doubt, Academia and the game's final boss are no slouches, but the end-level boss at the Archylte Steppe handed me my ass more than any other part of the game. It spews a bunch of status effects that limit your character's maximum amount of health points, and the best solution appears to be leveling up your characters until that doesn't matter. I hadn't run away from that many of the random encounters, but as I discussed in the previous episode, XIII-2 has odd and off-putting difficulty spikes that come out of nowhere and often can only be resolved if you grind for hours upon end. That's what I had to do at the Archylte Steppe, and it sucked.

But the level that takes the cake in terms of lousy design has to be the one you encounter at Academia in the year 400 AF. The first issue involves the environment taking a note from the game's predecessor in that every street and avenue you traverse is a narrow neon-drenched corridor. The problem this time around is that XIII-2's random encounter mechanic makes this utterly untenable. As your pathways only have enough wiggle room for your characters and nothing else, they are utterly incapable of avoiding anything that pops up in front of them. Worse, the random encounter rate is utterly ridiculous here. When attempting to ascend a single set of two-story-tall stairs, I swear I had to resolve no less than four random encounters. Finally, the level subjects you to the same switch flipping and backtracking bullshit that made OG Final Fantasy XIII a slog. There are a ton of one-way stairs and escalators that lead you to a switch that then opens a new pathway next to a set of stairs two or three screens ago. This environment is not a "chore." It is a full-time job.

As if the game's middle chapter weren't already intolerable enough, it ALSO starts to pop off its "Temporal Rift" puzzles at a rapid clip. Outside of one specific set of clock-based puzzles, WHICH WE WILL DISCUSS SEPERATELY, none are especially challenging, but they are fiddly and annoying as fuck. Usually, you match similar colored crystals or symbols to create pairs, but even this task is a pain as symbols and colors flash in and out of the playing field. It was endlessly frustrating to be standing in the playing field, waiting for one specific color or symbol to pop up, only for it never to show up before the timer ran out and reset the entire puzzle. Trial and error define the Temporal Rift puzzles, but luck also plays a significant role. Finally, these puzzles are unfriendly for people with vision issues, particularly those with color blindness.

I highlight all of these points for a reason. Despite my initial enthusiasm for Final Fantasy XIII-2, this game has an almost catastrophically terrible middle act that progresses at a snail's pace. This second episode has been perpetually delayed because I kept getting stuck and needing to spend whole days of my time leveling up random monsters. It's a real testament to how wild and irreverent the story is that I felt committed to seeing the game through to the end. Nevertheless, while I think you can have fun playing this game, to anyone who decides to give it a shot, be aware that there's a mid-game wall that could inspire you to give up. The game has an almost vicious habit of reminding you that you need to level up your monsters during this point. And not just any monsters, but the random two to three with the specific Saboteur or Medic abilities that make any boss battle a cinch.

However, just as I thought I would drop the game, its story pulls me back in. For example, after slogging through the first ascent of Augusta Tower, shit gets fucking WILD! Things start with Serah seeing into the future and watching her own premature death. Caius arrives with the expected pomp and circumstance, declares Serah and Noel "contradictions" that died in the original timeline, and affirms his need to eliminate them. Deeper in the tower, Serah and Noel encounter Yeul, and Serah realizes that Caius was correct and that Yeul is dying because of their presence in the current timeline. Before they can do anything about it, Yeul dies but not before revealing that the Caius they encountered earlier was an illusion. The real Caius is ascending Augusta Tower at a different date. Serah and Noel hop into a time gate and travel to the Augusta Tower two hundred years earlier. They see Caius but notice something is off when they interact with the tower's staff. When they encounter Alyssa, they discover that everyone is a robot clone of their human counterparts. Academia's "real" citizens died hundreds of years ago when Hope initiated his "Proto Fal'Cie Project" and accidentally unleashed a robot apocalypse.

That's right, Hope played around with some "God Particle" and unleashed Skynet on the whole world! It's such a stupid plot twist that I LOVE IT! Nothing leading up to this point foreshadows that Hope's scientific research would lead to an army of Terminators taking over the universe, but here we are. And the best part is, this isn't even the craziest plot twist in the game! First, Yeul returns to lecture Serah about the meaning behind her visions. She reveals that Serah and Noel can indeed change the Historia Crux to the one Serah dreams about, but this will involve a "sacrifice." She also states that the Caius we fought in Academic was a robot and that there are other permutations of both her and Caius across the Historia Crux. Think of these Caius and Yeul doppelgangers like you would with Final Fantasy VII's Sephiroth clones. Serah and Noel fight a giant monster called the "Proto fal'Cie Adam," which is no easy task because it appears impervious to all forms of damage. In a fit of rage, Serah shouts out for Hope to "fix this" and manages to contact a human Hope in a different timeline where the robots DON'T take over the world. He then whisks them both to a "corrected" timeline before Serah has another vision of Lightning fighting Caius in Valhalla.

Part XXX: Is This The "Right" Kind of Schlock?

I end this episode debating the narrative validity of a duo of time cops needing to avert a robotic apocalyptic event. A Terminator-inspired fate, mind you, they resolve by shouting across the time continuum for friends they made in a different lifetime. Final Fantasy XIII-2 is an immensely stupid video game with large swaths that feel like a complete waste of your time as they involve mindless grinding and tedious puzzle-solving. And yet, I love this game. That moment when Serah turned to the screen to shout for Hope, I couldn't help but smile. From my perspective, it was the game recognizing that it does not have it within itself to bullshit you that this is a serious adventure that will remain lock and step with the narrative themes of its predecessor. In that regard, I deeply respect it and the people who made it.

I mentioned this in the previous episode, but I think it would have done the entire Fabula Nova Crystallis initiative wonders if this was the game that started things. The tone of Final Fantasy XIII-2 feels more quintessentially Final Fantasy and is better suited to introduce characters and thriving ecosystems than XIII. When the characters you control can shoot the shit and smile at the camera from time to time, you can at least pretend to have empathy when the rug gets pulled from underneath them or when shit goes sideways. On the other hand, Final Fantasy XIII drops you in the middle of a war where everyone is miserable and dying, but before you understand who is on whose side and why everyone's fighting. It's a joyless story that plods along at an excruciating pace with characters pantomiming emotions.

Then, you need to look at Final Fantasy XIII and XIII-2 as parts of a larger puzzle. When you lop in Lightning Returns and Type-0, what did modern Square-Enix prove they were best at making during the 360/PS3 era? Their best tales revolve around simple character interplay interspersed with anime-styled melodrama. Even with their "darker" stories (i.e., Type-0), their best characterization comes through during quieter moments, like when characters cook, play, and gossip with each other. I'm one of the most anti-Final Fantasy XV people you will ever meet on the face of this Earth, but there's no denying that XV does a great job of building a sense of camaraderie with its cast of goofballs. With a post-Kingdom Hearts Square-Enix, that's almost all you can expect from them when Yoshinori Kitase and Tetsuya Nomura are attached to a numbered Final Fantasy game.

Final Fantasy XIII-2 is schlocky, and it's okay that it is. Its characters and moments are largely pleasing, even if they can be a little much. I also feel this game should be judged for what it is rather than what it isn't. The "well" that once was Final Fantasy XIII was dry, and there was no viable way to draw water from it. What's there to do with Snow or Sazh after the events of XIII? And before you submit your fan-fiction suggesting otherwise, this team isn't making an epic prequel with Vanille and Fang. Even if that's what they should have made if they wanted people to take this franchise seriously, the toothpaste is out of the tube. Kitase and Nomura create weird Kingdom Hearts permutations that get buck wild and have some good character moments from time to time. And when judged by that very low barometer, XIII-2 gets the job done. If only it played better. Otherwise, I would feel more emphatic about advocating more people give it a try. Oh... and the story's ending is total bullshit, but we'll talk about that next episode.

Let Me Explain Why I Played A Magic: The Gathering Visual Novel In The First Place

Before we continue, I should say that I don't follow Magic: The Gathering religiously. I did at one point in my life, but after graduating college, I fell off of Magic and didn't look back. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not some grizzled old-timer that will go on and on about how the era of Magic I played during my younger years was "When the game was at its best!" Neither am I the type that will rattle off banned card pairings that I think should come back. It was a thing I played solidly for three to four years and caught me at the right time and place in my life. However, when factors changed, I just moved on, but I harbor no ill will to the game, Wizards of the Coast, and anyone that has maintained the game as a fixture in their life.

Nevertheless, there's no denying how I continue to have a passing interest in the game and persist in following it as a casual observer. Some of you know that I am a bit of a fixture when Mr. Rorie hosts Magic streams, and I should admit that I follow a Magic: The Gathering podcast or two. Likewise, when the latest Kamigawa set arrived, I did something I had not done in over ten years: I reviewed every card in the set one at a time. I think part of the reason is that the theme of Kamigawa is immediately appealing to me and what artwork I saw from early release images impressed me. However, in doing so, I quickly realized how out of the loop I was regarding the recent story and worldbuilding related to Magic. Scoff all you want, but I maintain, even as a filthy "casual," that the lore surrounding Magic: The Gathering is genuinely compelling. The backstories behind its many competing guilds, factions, and corporations are, at least in my opinion, ripe for a video game adaptation. There's good backstabby storytelling potential and player choices to ponder in a future game that faithfully tackles the world of Magic earnestly.

I was hoping that that last point would happen with Kamigawa: A Visual Novel, a recent tie-in to the newly released Magic set of the same name. I can imagine many of you are already typing away that me holding out for a spin-off for Magic: The Gathering not being terrible is foolish. However, it seemed like Kamigawa: A Visual Novel had all of the ingredients for success. The game was billed as a newbie-friendly on-ramp for those interested in exploring the world of Magic: The Gathering. It had a heavily advertised dictionary that front-loaded critical vocabulary and purported to have representatives from the major factions in Kamigawa. If you quickly scan the game's Steam page, you'll discover that Kamigawa: A Visual Novel is a choice-based experience. It claims, "Your choices influence not only your companions but also your bonded kami. Diplomacy or intimidation, sympathy or hostility – it's all up to you." Therefore, what could go wrong? I mean, I was in mood for a Magic refresher course after all! Well, for one thing, it's already THE WORST FUCKING THING I HAVE PLAYED IN 2022!

Yo, This Game Is Dog Dick UGLY!

Say what you will about the current state of Magic: The Gathering and its purported issues with "balance." Still, there's no denying that Wizards has a deft touch when making some cool-ass-looking cards. The names Wizards has tapped to illustrate for the franchise continue to impress. Even cards as innately dumb as the Street Fighter or Godzilla sets are at the very least interesting to look at and represent the IPs they are attached to well. On the other hand, Kamigawa: A Visual Novel looks like refried dogshit! Seriously, look at this character portrait! This is supposed to be an assassin Orochi!

The animation in the game is minimal, with the transitions between character portraits being so abrupt that I felt like I could count the frames. Also, there were times when I couldn't figure out what parts of the screen were the foreground, background, or character portraits. Some of the character work is passable, but other character designs left me aghast or wondering what the fuck I was looking at on my screen. The backgrounds have a blurry abstract neon aesthetic, whereas the character art has a flat bold aesthetic. Having these two diametrically opposed art styles never ceased to fuck with my brain. To highlight, when the game introduced what I assume was a Red Berserker, it wasn't until much later that I realized the giant cylinder on their back was their blaster. It took me a solid thirty seconds starring at their armor to be able to process what the game was displaying. And did I mention how some of the art assets are downright ugly? For example, the game "claims" these are rat ninjas!

More fundamentally, the game's art is a poor representation of the art found in the card game it is trying to represent. For example, here's a Magic: The Gathering card that depicts a Kitsune Diviner:

Here's what a Kitsune looks like in Kamigawa: A Visual Novel:

That's just ONE example of how the game cuts corners! The whole crux of the game involves your player character investigating why a merge gate in Sokenzanshi unleashed an army of demons. However, Kamigawa: A Visual Novel's cheapness repeats one of my least favorite visual novel tropes. The game will switch its filter to red or blue to signify an upcoming action sequence. Unfortunately, it shows you nothing but a paragraph of text describing your characters' actions. There are no flashy cutscenes or fun portrait animations to enjoy in this game. All you get is reams of questionably written text with an occasional typo to maintain your attention. I get the game is free, but HOT DAMN did Wizards not give a shit about making their opportunity to get newcomers on board a worthwhile experience.

Then we have the issue of the "Magic Influencers" and celebrities included in this game. To avoid sounding like a complete asshole, I want to clarify that I have nothing against Magic Twitch streamers getting cameos in this game. These streamers are busting their asses, providing content for a media property they genuinely love. To them, it's fucking rad they are in this game, and I don't want to take away from their joy. HOWEVER, if I was a Magic Twitch streamer providing endless content for a game that, by all metrics, is suffering a downward trend, and I looked like THIS, I would be pretty bummed.

The Story And Pacing Are Atrocious! And It's Only Two to Three Hours!

Kamigawa: A Visual Novel tops out at a paltry two hours on a good day. If you elect to read-aloud all of the text the game provides and even consult its almanac, you might be able to extend that to three hours. Nonetheless, as short as that might sound, this game honestly drags at times. Things start promisingly enough, with the player assuming the role of an Imperial Samurai aligned with the forces of white. When they and their partner, a no-nonsense war veteran, are assigned to a Podunk town with a portal to a magical realm, they meet with a liaison. This point of contact informs them that the "merge gate" is unstable. Almost on cue, the gate is attacked by forces aligned with the color green, and the portal erupts to unleash a brigade of demons. An army of red artificers come to the aid of the Imperials, and a temporary truce is called. The competing factions make a compromise to discover who sabotaged the gate and bring them to justice (spoilers: it was a bunch of blue ninjas). However, you are in charge of the investigation team and need to wrangle the different approaches each color would prefer when faced with a smattering of scenarios.

To inject some much-needed positivity to this blog, I want to say the game's premise is intriguing in concept. After the opening prologue, the team you work with showcases diverse competing philosophies and mindsets. For example, the Red Faction representative wishes to blow shit up, whereas the White Faction representative wants to go a more diplomatic route. Unfortunately, there's no need to think about your actions and the possible conflicts they may pose because none of your choices matter. For example, during the game's second act, my interest was temporarily piqued when the Green Faction-aligned Orochi expressed dissatisfaction with my decision to use technology for one of my dialogue prompts. As one typically would in a dialogue-focused video game, I was under the impression that they would leave my party if I were to select another "incorrect" input. So, knowing I was already on their shit list, I purposefully went the technology and brute-force route for everything and was disappointed to see they were still tagging along with my protagonist even after threatening to leave time and time again. Thus, I can confirm that the game's much-ballyhooed alignment and choice-based systems are complete and total bullshit!

Worse, in its attempt to try and emulate the cities and locations of Kamigawa, and in particular, Towashi, there's a real "anime filler episode" vibe to the story's structure. The game's second and third acts allow the player to explore a handful of locations as they attempt to investigate a mystery. The premise is that some areas have clues about where the player needs to go next, and others do not. While that's primarily the case, the game forces you to explore every location before progressing to the next chapter or act. To highlight how dumb this format is, I can recall correctly selecting all of the areas that furthered the storyline in the third act and STILL needing to exhaust the ancillary character-building locations. Again, this nonsense adds what amounts to twenty minutes to the game's overall playtime, but it does stress how lazily designed the entire game feels.

Part of the reason why the game is so insistent on you seeing everything it has to show you is that there are several celebrity cameos. The first of these involves the Magic influencers I mentioned earlier. Each time I interacted with these influencers, I wanted to eat out my eyeballs. In one case, you meet up with a Magic streamer, whose in-game name is their Twitch handle, and they teach your character how to play a card game that is NOT MAGIC! Your straight-laced samurai companion finds himself roped into participating in a cosplay contest in another scenario. The ultimate payoff is that a Magic influencer declares him the victor because the samurai, hilariously, "won't stop breaking character." It was the cringiest shit I have seen in a good long time. However, I want to clarify that I have nothing against the streamers featured in this game. They likely had no input on the story and are understandably psyched to be in an official Magic product.

Oh, and how could I forget about the Kero Kero Bonito cameo! Including the band and presenting its three members using their real-world names was undoubtedly a "choice." Having the characters swoon over the group and rattle off their studio albums and EPs like they are otherworldly experiences was another "choice." The character art for Jamie, including his keytar, was an additional "choice." But the oddest "choice" by far has to be the game's decision to have Kero Kero Bonito act as antagonists. The band doesn't perform a song, Sarah doesn't praise your exploratory efforts with a rhyming poem, nor does Gus rattle off an impressive drum solo. Instead, Kero Kero Bonito is in the game to provide a lazy-ass gear check to ensure you collected all of the story-required items before continuing to the game's final chapter. Whoever thought it was a good idea to take one of the most effusive and positive-minded pop groups in the world and make them evil will go down with the Zodiac Killer and D. B. Cooper as one of the world's greatest mysteries. It's such an idiotic decision and yet another page in the "What Could Have Been" novel you could write about this game.

Your Choices Don't Matter, And The Ending Is Fucking AWFUL!

Did I mention how NONE of your choices matter in this game despite its promises to the contrary? The absolute perfect exemplification of this problem has to be the game's ending. After your motley crew tracks down the source for the earlier sabotage, you discover the culprit to be none other than a team of ne'er-do-well ninjas. What ensues next is a series of action sequences in which you, the player, need to think of ways to beat these nefarious scoundrels. For example, in one such scenario, you are prompted to warn a friend of an incoming flurry of kunai or to use a summon to deflect them. Regrettably, no matter what you do, everyone survives, and no one ends up harmed. I understand the game desires to depict all choices as equally legitimate because it wants you to appreciate all of the various mindsets and factions as being equally engaging in their own right. However, none of your choices leading to consequences makes every scenario you face in the game lifeless and absent of any sense of stakes. As Jess would put it, "everyone fights, and no one dies."

But what about Kamigawa: A Visual Novel's ending? In what I can only describe as the dumbest shit I have seen this year, the game lines up each of your party members and asks whom you think is the best. You can choose between a gun-toting red artificer, nature-loving green Orochi, or white-robed samurai. In true Deus Ex Human Revolution-style, the game plops a dialogue tree to unlock one of three possible endings. Thus, the game confirms that none of your earlier exploratory choices or relationship building mattered because you can go with whatever you please at the end. Thematically, it makes no sense considering your character is a high-ranking Imperial Samurai. The idea that eating udon noodles with a snake person is enough to cause them to flip sides is utterly ridiculous. To make matters worse, none of the characters you can side with are especially memorable. Overall it's a dumb and lazy ending that immediately smash cuts to a full-page advertisement for the card game.

Part of me can squint my eyes and see what the game was going for with this particular misstep. Your party members try to "sell" you on the different Magic playstyles their respective personalities seek to represent. However, even in that regard, Kamigawa: A Visual Novel fails. There are not enough opportunities for the characters to show their personalities beyond a handful of trope-laden character quirks. For example, I understand that the green faction likes nature, but I wouldn't have been able to tell you green Magic players tend to play 5/4 creatures on turn two or burn every card in their deck by turn four. The white samurai liked to talk about always wanting to support the Imperial Palace. He sure as fuck didn't inform me that going mono-white in Magic tends to lead to battles of attrition. If all Kamigawa: A Visual Novel provided was a faux Magic: The Gathering sorting hat act, I could at least envision recommending it to a particular audience, but it doesn't even do that. For one thing, the colors blue and black are almost entirely non-factors throughout the story! Having TWO essential colors underrepresented seems like a colossal design blunder.

I understand that this blog might make me come across as someone who expected too much out of a visual novel tie-in with Magic: The Gathering. However, there are examples of visual novels serving as good to decent on-ramps for long-established multimedia properties. Check out my blog post about the visual novel tie-ins to Vampire the Masquerade for one such example. Had this game simply presented the various factions in Magic: The Gathering clearly and coherently, I would have had an easier time envisioning a possible audience for it. As things stand, it's a shiftless promotional piece that doesn't even represent its product well. The art is atrocious; the story is dull; the characters are flat and plodding. There are no redeeming qualities to Kamigawa: A Visual Novel worth exploring, and you should not play this game.