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Red12b

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So... I just bought a guitar

By Red12b 7 Comments


No Caption Provided
Yeah,  
I used to play, but my old one got nicked and I never bought a new one, man, you know that saying it's like riding a bike? it ain't,  
 
I need to get used to it again, I have two cuts in my fingers already,  
 
oh well, hey, here's to learning a real skill eh?
7 Comments

Hilarity ensues with this man

By Red12b 2 Comments

http://www.27bslash6.com/tennis.html    
This guy is absolutely brilliant.      
  
 

Introduction to Tennis


Hello, my name is Holly and welcome to my complete guide to the exciting sport of tennis. Considered by some as a game and others as the terrifying and pointless act of exercising by choice, tennis, invented in 1976, involves fun things to do with racquets and balls. You can swing a racquet. You can hit a ball. Tennis is also an exciting spectator sport which allows people to watch other people swing racquets and hit balls.
Each game lasts for approximately four hours. Three hours of this consists of picking up the balls so that you can hit them again with a racquet. The remaining hour is spent arguing. Variations of tennis include golf, hockey and slip'n'slide.        

Scoring

There are only four basic rules to scoring; If David hits the shot in, then it is out and you get a point. If David hits it out, then you get a point. If at any point David asks what the score is, his inability to pay attention means you get three points and one is taken from his.
Hitting the balls over the fence gives you not only a few minutes to relax while David collects them, but also two points.
If David questions the validity of the score, this means he is cheating. Display disappointment at his inability to be trusted and point out that you should be used to his lies because of the time two years ago when he told you that he only paid $200 for a leather jacket but you found the receipt for $500.
A standard scoring sequence consists of "Fifteen love, fifteen all, Forty love, I win." It would make more sense to just make it the first to four but the game was invented by the British who only discovered consecutive numeric sequencing following the 1982 release of XTC's single Senses Working Overtime.

If David manages to win a game, point out that cheating wastes everybody’s time and it is the last game you are ever playing with him.


Racquet Selection



It does not matter what brand, price or quality the racquet is, as long as it is pink. It is actually preferable that the racquet is not a recognised brand as this enables you to blame each lost point on it. Reiterate this to David by throwing the racquet in disgust at least forty times during each match and, when failing to return a shot, stare at the racquet with a look of disgust as if to say "What the fuck racquet? What are you doing? That wouldn't have happened if you were the kind of racquet Andre Agassi uses."
After winning a point, point out the fact that not only was it a point won, it was a point won with inferior equipment.


Clothing



Before each game, it is imperative to drive into town and purchase a new outfit. Your top must match the sneakers and shorts must match the socks. If a headband is worn, it must match the racquet which must match the top, sneakers, shorts and socks.
If, before leaving to play, David cannot find his shorts, suggest he wear his yellow swimming trunks with the palm trees and starfish on them because it is just a game of tennis, nobody will be there to see him and he is not Andre Agassi.


Preparation



Prior to each game, an injury should be prepared. It does not matter what the injury is and comes down to personal preference. The severity of the injury does not need to be relative to the outcome as "You only won the game because of my possibly broken leg" works just as well as "I won despite my possibly broken leg."


Serving



Every serve David makes is out. Being closer to the area that the ball was meant to be hit into means your view is the only one that can be trusted and he just thought it was in because he is "looking at it from further away and on the wrong angle." All serves you make are in for exactly the same reason.


Obstruction



Obstruction is an integral part of every tennis match. Basically, when David serves a ball that you simply cannot be bothered attempting to reach, calling out "obstruction" means the shot is void and must be made again.
It doesn't matter what the obstruction is, a stick nearby or a dog that you saw on the side of the road the previous day while driving to work will do. If David questions the validity of this rule, remind him that it is just a friendly game and that he is not Andre Agassi.


Game Play



A winning shot should be accompanied by ridicule, a dance and admonishment if David does not agree the shot was possibly the greatest shot ever made in the history of not only tennis, but all sports.
A winning shot by David should be met with statements such as "The sun was in my eyes" or "Nobody likes you, you do realise that don't you." and a look of disdain such as the one you use when you ask him to drive to the shop to get sour cream for the nachos and he comes back with a twelve pack of Bic lighters and a folding chair.
If you are losing the game, it is important that David realises it is not because he is playing well, it is because you don't care. Standard procedures include:

1.

 Hang on, David's serving, I'll put you on hold for a second.

2.

 Yes, I'm ready. Go ahead and serve.

3.

 Fuck this, I'm going home to watch Jeopardy.


Game, Set, Match



Convention dictates that players shake hands after the match unless you have lost in which case giving the finger is acceptable.
If you have won the match, request another. If you have lost, due to the racquet not being the kind Andre Agassi uses, state that your leg hurts and you wish to leave. Do not speak to David on the drive home.
Play the Dixie Chicks CD.    
2 Comments

Pure comedic gold in the form of a womandarin!

By Red12b 30 Comments

    
 
This is just pure gold, one of the comments:  
I notice a distinct lack of pubic hair, can you guarantee that this fruit is of a ripe age? I do believe there are rules against deflowering the blossom whilst it is still on the tree, so to speak. If the age query is satisfied I would also like to know whether the pubic hair is absent because of shaving / waxing, or simply because this fine specimen suffers neck down alopecia? If it is the latter, would you consider supply a merkin with the Womandarin? Thanks so very much!  
 
and the reply 
 
This specimen is in perfect health and infection free. This poor unfortunate Womadarin suffers from a glandular problem which means that hair is unable to be grown is said area and because of that the area remains in pristine and perfect condition 
 
 pure fucking gold     
30 Comments

your bi-weekley drunken blog the spew fights back!

By Red12b 11 Comments

Hello and welcome to reds drunken escapades, how are you slll , I hope you're well, I am. 
 
So, because you must be really interested, I will tell you how my night went, besause it's my blog and i'll cry if i want to, what? I didn't say anything,  

 
A few drinks, that is what was promised, a few drinks was what was on offer, a few drinks is what I consumed, to the noise of the beat,. 
 
As I stumbled to the car, my sober driver started to snarl, it's getting late she hissed at the lads, obvious she was feeling bad, not to keen on waiting for the bus we stumbled in without a fuss three abreast we laughed and sung about the pub where we belung... 
 
That doesn't make sense, nut oh well, fuck it,  
 
as we yelled in the car, and sung our off key songs about misery, whilst being haphazardely about to something somethingery... 
 
i can't rhyme no more i tell because it makes no sense at all, if this is the final verse take me away in that dreadful hearse. 
 
 
 
 
fuck yeah, how's that for a slice of fried gold, suck iy biarches!  

11 Comments

Drunken Blog 2.0 whoooo

By Red12b 11 Comments

So hey duders,  
 
As some of you know my uncle over in the netherlands has Lung cancer, as you may be able to tell that sucks, i have been tasked with going over there and epresenting my side of the family from the big little country of New zealand.  
 
To tell you the truth i am looking forward to meeting my family for the first time since I was 4, or shoulf i say my fathers side of the family, I) a, going back to holand, the only memories I have are from the VHS tapes of my childooh, heh, where did the cuteness go eh? 
 
So, I went with my flatmate to the pub tonight, as this is the first weekend off I habve had off of work in a real long while, it was good for a while, the music was tight, a DJ by the name of General lee, no shit, he was gold, too bad some people have nothing better to do but throe down fisty cuffs, a person I was talking to got hit in the face and one of my mstes got hit on the nose with a glass, some fucker just threw it at hime, fucking coward, he scarped after that, I called the ambo he seemed to be alright, the dude is a bartender there just enjoying the fact he isn;t behind the bar and some dick kjust throws a glass at him.,,,youths these days eh? 
 
So, GB business, I am just about to watch the GB new office tour, I have to say that my favorite tour so far from, both screened and comic vine has to be comic vine, that may or may not be because sara lima is good looking... ask me when i am sober and i'll lie like any good gentleman. 
 
Goran p and his band of merry men continue to be excellent showmen luchazine special edition issue limited mint condition number two is out and i highly recomend reading through it, both interviews are top notch, the design has changed for the better, (i like the pictures in the background, it;s a nice touch)  
I am really looking forward to a Jeff gerstmann interview at some stage, candid with user questions, looking forward to it, 
 
Xeipher is sponsering bon with a shot at that weird PSN the tester, you should check it out, vote for him who knows, gb may have it's very own tester.  
 
And last but by no means least, Matthew is of course doing his thing with the bombcast breakdown, if you are not following this guy shame on you, it is very top notch and he deserves a lot of kudos for his work, 
 
oh, and Buzz Click is brilliant. that is all, FACE ACE!   
 

11 Comments

Lung Cancer

By Red12b 31 Comments


Don't worry dudes, it's not me, because I know that would be both a major shock and a blow to you on a personal level, yep my head is so far up my own ass right now I can see the sun!  
 
I have just found out that my uncle on my dads side has four months to live,  
 
At first I didn't know what to do with that information, comprehension on the matter was just dismay, so right now I am tasked with getting my ass over to Holland to be able to say goodbye,  
 
and this year was going so well,  
oh well, time for a cigarette I think...
31 Comments

I'm going to be away for awhile,

By Red12b 15 Comments

Hey duders, 
 
I have noticed over the last few weeks that I have been logging on to GB a lot more than I used to, then I started to really take notice about how much I have logged on, and how it is affecting my life,  
 
The fact is, I started to join in the fun of GB when I was in a bad place in my life, I was made redundant, I left my gf, and I had to sell my beautiful car to pay my boarding bills for how long I did not know at the time, I used Giant Bomb as a crutch, to take my mind off of the shittyness that was happening in my life at that point.  
And then slowly and surely my life started to get better again, I got a good Job, (Not great but good) I moved in with my best mate, My friends started to help me get out of the rut that I was putting myself into,  
And all the while I was logging into Giant Bomb and using this as my internet second home, and it has been grand, I have had a lot of fun, I have met some absolutely brilliant people,  
 
But the thing is, and this is a major point, I have become addicted, It is an actual itch that needs to be scratched, I cannot stress this enough, I didn't think that I had an addictive personality, but it's really apparent that I do, the fact is I check this site when I am at work, first thing I do when I get home, turn on the pc and check GB, friday night after work, gb,  
 
I need to go Cold turkey, I know this seems absurd, but this is the reason I am writing this down, I need to put this in place, I need this to be a thing that will hold me to my goal,  
 
This isn't a leaving blog, this isn't in response to the current goings on, I am not going to say i'm leaving and never coming back, because that isn't true, I will be back, (Promise or a threat?) This is just me trying to get my life into perspective,   
To those who know me, know this, You're all awesome, I have had a blast,  
Keep doing the things you do, I hope to catch you soon. 
 
 
PSN: Black_Scotch- 

15 Comments