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Who would've thought the frustration factor would be so high?

By Video_Game_King November 4, 2009 6 Comments

Bloody Wolf

( I believe I went through a billion games before I reached these two.) Oh, and Firefox isn't making this any easier. I started with Elemental Gearbolt, but after realizing how impossible it is to beat the game (hard final boss, lack of checkpoints, low health, it's crap), I moved onto another game: Quake 64. That didn't work, either. JJ and Jeff looked good, until I realized that there were some literally impossible jumps littering the landscape of later lebledufvelbels. Then Ridge Racer 64, which I gave up on due to laziness and a touch of frustration. Finally, I arrived at Bloody Wolf, an old TurboGrafx-16 game that I've heard is really good. However, unlike every other case of this happening, Bloody Wolf turned out to be a surprisingly good game.

He goes by many names, but you shall know him as Captain Obvious.

One reason I said the word "surprisingly" is because the story didn't lead me to believe it would be any good. Simple stuff: rescue the president, because this is an alternate world where people are smart enough to kidnap rather than kill high-ranking leaders. Other than that, sounds simple, right? Well, as soon as the actual game part begins, the plot takes so many twists and turns that the borders of the screen are constantly covered in vomit. Twist 1: just how badass you are. This has to be one of the most badass characters I've seen in a game (Vin Diesel's ass excluded, obviously (it was an ass, not a character)). He'll shoot people in the face at point-blank range, stab those who can't be shot, ride a motorcycle into hostile enemy territory, explode a person 900 feet into space (I know that's not the right distance, but THAT'S HOW BADASS HE IS!), and punch open boxes to get what he wants.

Knowing that he's so badass, twist 2 comes into play when you rescue the president: realizing his massive balls will weigh the rescue copter down, Thor the Asskicker decides to stay behind, meaning the second half of the game consists of you finding and rescuing Thor. If it seems like I'm being insistent with the story, keep in mind that I'm only doing this because the game was so insistent with its story. For a shooter, there's a lot of plot development and characterization, something I found incredibly weird. Then again, I probably shouldn't have found it to be too out of place, given that the game is (slightly) creative for its genre. For example, rather than picking either overhead or shooting, Bloody Wolf opts for both, combining them into an odd but tasty treat. Garnishing this blood-drenched Milky Way are streams of hostage-rescue peanut butter, little weapon nuts, vehicular nou...I'm gonna stop this candy analogy, it's making me hungry.

Besides, I think you get the point: there's a lot to be found in this game. The weapons include bazookas, flamethrowers, flash grenades, shotguns apparently stolen from the Contra universe, your own damn fists, your massive balls, and several others. They're all easy to use without any major quirks, but the only problem I have (and it's pretty petty) is the flamethrower, for some incredibly weird reason, is classified as a grenade weapon. I guess that's because it fires a continuous stream of fire at your opponents, but with turbo (which, need I remind you, is not only in the name of the damn console, but is also included on all controllers), all the not-shotguns are essentially flamethrowers with very tiny spaces. Oh, and for all shotguns, they're flamethrowers that spam half the screen with bullets.

His parties are different from ours. Most of his guests leave the party on fire.

If you're starting to think that this game errs on the easy side, prepare to be disappointed. Or sexually aroused, I don't know you. What I do know is that the game is that perfect kind of difficult, even if the reasons for it can sometimes be utter bullshit. Perfect example: remember earlier, when I mentioned that there's a second half to the game? Unfortunately, the second protagonist is nowhere near the man Thor the Asskicker is, so he has to spend about half his time rescuing hostages. His only reward? A bunch of items with incredibly limited applications. Hell, you can't even use them, they just activate themselves when the time comes. Sort of seems lazy, especially since the rest of the game is so good (for the most part). Since I can't think of any other way to end this part of the blog, let me just wrap it up with the Vin Diesel's Ass Award for Excellence in Badassery.

Review Synopsis

Apparently, the protagonist of Bloody Wolf is a bad enough dude to rescue the president.
Unique gameplay elements with (mostly) great execution.
Seriously, this Thor the Asskicker is f'ing badass. Do no mess with him.

I really hope this turns into a mini-series unto itself. "Watch as people from Boston fail to pronounce the word 'Germany'!", or, "Can people from China correctly say 'Winnipeg'?"

Demon Sword

( Well, it seems I've finally bought a PS3.) Not only that, but my first game for it was Demon's Soul, an Atlus game where you-what's that? I never bought a PS3? Then what the hell was I playing? Demon Sword? That piece of crap? Get out of here, imaginary person I am addressing for very weak reasons! *he leaves, I think* That's better. Anyway, I guess I played Demon Sword, an NES game starring a ninja where you slice things a lot.

If that makes you think this is a good game people forgot over time, you're wrong; coincidentally, if your username happens to be "SJSchmidt93", congrats, for you're in the lead. What makes me not like this game so much? Well, as always, it starts with the story. Or it would if the game had a story, but alas, there doesn't seem to be any. You run through stages, waving your sword around like your enemies are robotic pinatas, on a quest to retrieve your mystical baseball (it flew into Old Man Ferguson's Spire of Malice, in case you're wondering). However, every time you come close to it, a random seagull steals it from you, prompting another round of the exact same crap. But even for a game with no story, it somehow manages to fail at its story for one reason: the final boss isn't the seagull. Really....Taito? Really? I can sort of understand the lack of story, sort of, but the lack of closure? REALLY!?

Bird stole my ball!

I'd end the blog there and deprive you of closure on my opinion, but I wish to teach them a lesson by setting an example. Let us begin with the story...wait...fuck. What's that thing I go for after the story? Oh, right, gameplay. Again, for the most part, really lacking. You usually run from left to right, jumping to your destination because Mario is apparently a secret ninja, slashing the hell out of anything that gets in your way. That's all there is to the game. OK, so there are some levels where you go up/down, and there are some levels where you don't know where the fuck you're going, but for the most part, it's a game that could be beaten with a turbo controller and some duct tape. If not for the bosses. Mostly.

The bosses require a bit more than holding down right and the sword button; instead, you must use a cunning combination of remaining stationary and spamming shurikens until they're a tasty corpse sandwich, and damn it, I'm hungry again. Why am I always hungry? Hmmm.......Moving on, there is one complaint I really can't levy against the game, and it has nothing to do with the graphics or music or anything like that: I can't call the game unfinished. I know that sounds kinda weird, but it doesn't give off the type of rushed vibe that games like Brain Lord and Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly. Instead, Demon Sword seems to learn a bit as you progress through the stages, each one becoming a bit harder and every boss becoming a bit more creative. However, this alone doesn't work for two reasons: it never reaches what it should be aiming for, and (probably as a result of this) there are only four stages with two levels each. Let me put that in perspective: Super Mario Bros has 8 stages, each with 4 levels. That means Super Mario Bros is four times the game Demon Sword is. Pathetic. I'd give this game the Most Random Story Award, but it isn't finished yet. Besides, Phantom Brave is set to earn that reward, given the random crap I've been doing in that game.

Review Synopsis

Given that birds are constantly stealing his crap, the protagonist of Demon Sword is no Thor the Asskicker.
Though oddly enough, he comes close, but only because the entire game is so damn easy.
And short. Really, really short.

6 Comments

The timing is what makes it creepy.

By Video_Game_King October 31, 2009 5 Comments

Castlevania

( I seriously did not consider the time of year when I decided to play this.) I just wanted to blog about a game (as I always do), and since my churro-built skeletal system has significantly delayed Wii Sports Resort, I decided on something I thought would be good: the original Castlevania as seen in that line of NES rereleases for the GBA. Is it still good, or am I unable to trust recommendations from myself (AKA memories)? Well, once again, I've found a game that proves that I'm the only sane gamer left in this galaxy, since both me and me agree that Castlevania is a good game.

I find this a bit weird, since we also agree that recycling is bad. Yea, fuck you, Captain Planet! How does this relate to Castlevania? Well, for quite some time, the Belmonts had the sole hobby of killing Dracula, and here's where it all started. While Simon definitely has his reasons for killing Dracula (I know them, but it's a bit early for that), I can't really think of any reasons why he'd refuse to kill the bastard permanently. Then again, it may not be a choice, but rather his own limitations; after all, if the guy can't change directions mid-air, or even acquire a whip that has more flexibility than a frozen hot dog, how can you expect him to do a good job of killing something that controls Death?

Seriously, who the hell is this for?

That's my way of saying that Castlevania can be limiting at times. For example, should you miss a ledge by a little bit, Simon Belmont sinks like a rock. OK, I can forgive this, since other platformers of the time were guilty of this (Mega Man, Prince of Persia, etc.), but why the hell can't I change direction in the middle of the air? The first platformer I mentioned allowed that, and the second had the context necessary to allow the lack of it; Castlevania has neither and is much harder for it. Hell, I could probably attribute half the deaths in this game to ramming yourself head-on into Medusa heads or those monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. Then again, it probably wouldn't help that these enemies have incredibly erratic movement patterns. They're predictable, but surprisingly hard to avoid in this weird way that you need to experience.

Fortunately, where the regular enemies kinda screw themselves up, the bosses more than make up for it. Along your journey to shove a stake up Dracula's ass, you must fight some mummies, Frankenstein, a huge bat (huh?), Death, and hold on, am I fighting Death? That's awesome, end of story. Wait, no, not end of story, I have a lot of review left. Might as well start with cheap deaths again. Here, I saw another cheap death at the hands of that orb thing and enemies surviving beyond the boss. You can see where this is going, right? It would have helped if I had a few more invincibilities (there are only about 2 in the entire game) or health refills (same rule, but a bit more), but for the most part, all I had were a whip and a wide variety of weapons, neither of which are any good when you're dead and all your progress was in vain.

Don't take that as an insult to the weapons, as I'd consider those the best part of the game. Each one has their own distinct purpose and feel, like using the axe on just about everything, the stopwatch on those fucking Medusa heads, and holy water on none other than Dracula himself. Speaking of which, the actual battle against the leader of the few vampires that haven't moved over to Twilight is kind of easy. Without spoiling anything, the first half of the battle consists of giving him a knuckle sandwich (if you attached a fist to the end of a whip (if you're awesome enough to handle such a weapon)), and the second half is the same thing, only now you run underneath him and throw holy water. It feels like some sort of weird dance where I pelt my enemy with grenades. Other than that, though, a good game that deserves the Tit-Whipping Award.

Review Synopsis

I know it's an old game, but Castlevania is INCREDIBLY limiting.
Still, the setting, weapons, bosses, and other things make it good.
Music, too. The music is memorable.

What's the only thing that could make Maine more awesome? Well, anything, really, but why not katanas? (For the uninformed, Silent Hill is most likely located in Maine, for some reason.)

Video Games | | Silent Hill 1 - The Katana

XBox 360 | Playstation 3 | Nintendo Wii

Arrow Flash

( Again, I feel as though I have an obligation to explain why I played through this game.) Here's the explanation: Jeff announced this as his game of the day. He never said I had to play it, or that it was any good, or why it was the game of that particular day, but I went along with it. Why? It's Giant Bomb. Obviously, I'm King and don't have to obey anybody, but still. Predictably, I didn't like the game, and I kinda saw it coming the entire time. Let's look at the facts: I've never been a fan of shmups (oh, forgot to mention that this is a shmup), I stopped taking the recommendations of reviewers ever since I found out that they think American Dad is a documentary, and I think I beat most of the good Genesis games LONG ago.

However, this doesn't mean I didn't try to like the game; when I first went to the options menu, I saw an option to turn on turbo. This should have been a good thing in theory, since it would mean the end of bashing the shoot button like it's that button from The Box and I'm going to Vegas in a week. What I didn't realize is that this, along with several other factors, would make the game piss-easy. I spent almost the entire game holding down that shoot button, watching the dark magic of my Genesis turn everything on the screen into an explosion. No matter what weapon I used, no matter how I approached the situation, it always ended the same way. That is my way of insulting all three weapons in this game.

To make things worse, the weapons kinda stack upon each other, making your powerful robot/ship more powerful tot he point of

Pretty much the only notable thing to be found in Arrow Flash.

ridiculousness. At first, it made me think there was only one weapon in the entire game, but no, it turns out that there are just three: standard shooter, the orange Vs of death, and a weapon ripped straight from the world of R-Type. However, those are just the regular weapons you encounter in the game; the defining moment of this game is the titular Arrow Flash, which is essentially a powerful attack that changes depending on which of the two forms you take. In regular ship form, it unleashes a giant shot made of multiple shots; in the robot form, however, you get surrounded with a Hadouken that not only gives you reason to use the damn robot, but makes every boss battle laughably easy. Just save all your flashes for the boss, turn into the robot, and spam the flashes while ramming into their heart. The only time this didn't work for me was during the final boss battle, and even then, it was just because I ran out of the damn things.

OK, looks like I've said essentially everything I have to say about the game. I could go on about how it's just Gradius and R-Type jammed into one poor game, or how the level design can feel a bit lazy since there were times when I didn't really have to move, but I feel that I covered the main points in the previous two paragraphs. So now I'm left with this weak finale. So instead of noticing how I wasn't even paying attention when I gave this game the Sexy Parodius Award for Randomly Named Shooters, pretend this is the ending to Final Fantasy VII, since that's actually really good.

Review Synopsis

Easier than a $3 hooker in the recession.
Speaking of three, that's the amount of weapons you get in the game.
Not counting the arrow flash, mainly because it's what makes the game so damn easy.

5 Comments

Time to learn a lesson: it's the Don't be a Racist Blog.

By Video_Game_King October 27, 2009 12 Comments

Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn

( I know I've stated this several times before, but I love Fire Emblem.) Seriously, just about everything in a Fire Emblem game stands as a testament to why video games are awesome. The deep, intricate stories; the rewarding, tactical gameplay; the well-rounded, human characters; those who would find fault with these are banished from my kingdom. *loses half my readers* Crap. Anyway, this all puts me in an awkward position, as Radiant Dawn, the most recent game in the series if you don't count Shadow Dragon for incredibly stupid reasons, hasn't received decent reception. However, I've learned that most gamers are usually wrong ( oh so wrong), and this is no exception; Radiant Dawn is actually a good game, despite what most people say. It's not as good as previous Fire Emblems, but damn it, it's good!

Coincidence? I think not.

As always, I start with the story, and as always, I loved a lot of things in this Fire Emblem's tale. It's three years after Path of Radiance, and Begnion has decided to take over neighboring Daein and treat them like crap. Eventually a group of people decide to form a rebellion and take back their country. They do, leading to a series of zany shenanigans that leaves half the world dead. More importantly, though, they tell a complex story which illustrates that there is no true good and evil, just events we interpret through our warped morality. That struck me as incredibly profound, but somewhat really weird, since the villains in this game are so evil that they make sneakers out of living puppies. I know that Fire Emblem is no stranger to incredibly evil assholes (Manfroy, Medeus, that Yahn guy), but at least they had their reasons to be evil (years of oppression, it was an old school game, absolutely none); here, the justification is kinda thin. It comes in at the end, and here it is: the bad guys are Nazis. That's it; they spend the first half of the game setting up concentration camps, and the end part of it preaching how they're the chosen ones.

To its credit, though, Radiant Dawn also does some pretty creative things with both the gameplay and the story. Back to the villain thing, sure, the regular baddies are shallow, but it does a decent job of pitting your parties against each other for a cool virtual villain thing. Yet what works as a story element may not necessarily work as a gameplay element; sure, it sounds cool to fight against your former troops (and it is, trust me), but given that they're exactly the same as before, the army that allowed you to blaze through 900 enemies in half a turn now forces you into twice as many resets. It is for this reason and several others that I found the difficulty curve to spike up and down between chapters. Perfect example: there was this one chapter where I had to kill a certain number of enemies. Sounds fair, but what made it slightly difficult were their strength and the surrounding darkness. However, I managed to surmount it and move onto a chapter where I had to survive an enemy onslaught for twelve turns. Perhaps onslaught isn't the right word, since there was a giant river that prevented them from moving quickly and en masse. It certainly didn't help that their entire army was water soluble, either.

I'm lacking in Fire Emblem pictures, so here's Astro Boy.

Despite the frantic difficulty curve, I'd say that this game is slightly easier than oth-I just realized that I went three very long paragraphs without once mentioning the basic gameplay of Radiant Dawn. It's a grid-based/turn-based system where you all your units, attack enemies/do non-attacky things, and then they do the same. Repeat until victory, just like every other Fire Emblem. Strong base, but how does Radiant Dawn build upon that? First, you have the return of the the Manimal-esque laguz, which also means the return of the incredibly forced racial lessons. It's not as bad Path of Radiance was, though, since most of the characters are no longer racist; in fact, the new message in RD is that it apparently sucks to be Barack Obama (but more on that later), a message delivered about once or twice. Compare this to Path of Radiance, where you spent an entire chapter learning that racism is bad and that we're all equals and that apparently not all of these messages end with a group of people yelling, " G-I JOEEEEE!!"

Anyway, the laguz also have some neat abilities specific to them, like countering ranged attacks or tearing the piss out of their foes. Speaking of abilities, the well-rounded ability system of Path of Radiance returns with absolutely no changes, if my memory serves me correctly. I'm not insulting it by saying it changes little; I'm insulting it by saying that most of the abilities you get later in the game are incredibly superfluous. Why do I need five hits when I can already kill the guy with two? Why do I need to put them to sleep when they'll be taking a dirt nap in five seconds anyway? Why do I need to suck away their HP and add...OK, that one actually makes a lot of sense, but my point is that the ones near the end of the game don't; my units are already powerful enough without the abilities. Hell, they were powerful enough for several chapters before that.

Another problem I had with the game was that you get a bunch of incredibly powerful units too early in each part of the game. (Oh yea, the game's divided into separate parts.) At first, I thought it was because I was using a Path of Radiance save, but after discovering that I had been using the wrong memory card the entire time, I couldn't really use that excuse. The problem fixed itself over time, but I still found it a bit odd that I was able to blast through a chapter with only two or three really good units. Units like Ike, Captain Falcon, and the Black Knight. Yes, you're actually able to play as one of the most badass characters ever to grace a Fire Emblem game. He's just as powerful as before, just as fun as you'd think, and filled with as many superfluous skills as most characters are by the end of the game. I'd call it a fan service, but I decided that couldn't be the case when a late-game plot twist revealed that he's always been a total pussy.

Speaking of pussies, biorhythm! It sounds random and non sequitur, but trust me, I'll explain. There's this feature where sine graphs control when your characters are having their periods; you want to keep them off their periods, since we all know that the worst thing on a battlefield is the knowledge that you're not pregnant. It was in Path of Radiance as well, but I feel like it plays a bigger role here than it did in previous games, since I was able to control a unit's biorhythm to a certain extent. Hell, for some battles, the line between victory and defeat was defined by how high my biorhythm was. Definitely an improvement over the previous game and a welcome addition to the series.

Your typical RD support.

Unfortunately, in an attempt to balance this, Nintendo gutted the support system. Remember how characters would grow to know each others' complex intricacies on the battlefield? Remember when you could stave off death with the power of love? Those days are long gone, as the support system in this game is a half-shadow of its former self. First, you do the actual supporting at the base, not in the battlefield. You still have the battlefield conversations, but they're horrible! No personal details are revealed, and the conversations rarely make any sense! Even with units who you'd expect to be perfect supports, I sat through disjointed conversations revealing nothing. Granted, the combat effects are still present, but using the supports for combat bonuses is like using the Internet for things that aren't porn: it's possible, but why would you even bother?

Aside from the support thing, though, Radiant Dawn pulls off a lot of creative ideas really well. I'd go into detail, but the my long blog has already done that. I'll end on this note: contrary to what you've heard, Radiant Dawn is far from the worst Fire Emblem out there. It's definitely not the smoothest game in the series, but it's not as bad as the first half of Monshou no Nazo or The Sealed Sword. In fact, Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn is good enough to earn the Clairvoyant Obama Award. I know, that sounds incredibly weird, but hear me out. In the incredibly brief second part of the game, Elincia is queen of Crimea, and she's doing a good job. The other nobles don't like her and want her out of office (somehow), but must first tackle the incredibly minor problem of there being nothing wrong with anything whatsoever. Their solution?: Work up the local populace into a rage over absolutely nothing. Sound familiar? No? Well, thanks a lot, stupid; now I have to give the smart people another example because of your stupidity. Stupid. Later in the game, some asshole senators accuse the empress of being fake, having absolutely no basis for their claims. Now? Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if during a very heated debate, all of Congress turned to stone. In fact, I'd describe it with only three words: totally fucking awesome.

Review Synopsis

It's pretty damn creative and (mostly) tight from a story perspective, but some of the story mechanics awkwardly collide with the gameplay mechanics.
A lot of what Radiant Dawn does was done in Path of Radiance, but given that its predecessor was really good, I consider that a good thing.
The characters need some refining, and the support system needs to go back to the GBA goodness.

And with one fell swoop, I beat every Fire Emblem currently made. Or I would have, if Medeus would just shut the fuck up.

Astro Boy: Omega Factor

( There are really only three reasons I played this game.) The first is that I've heard good things about that (and that's always worked, hasn't it?); the second is because there's a new Astro Boy movie coming out, and I'm incredibly opportunistic; thirdly, Mega Man's been ripping Astro Boy off for years, and I wanted to see if the source material is any good. Judging by the game, it is good, even if the air permanently lingered with the smell of McDonald's and lemonade.

See what I mean?

It's pretty obvious that this is my first experience with Astro Boy, but I still get this very odd pedo vibe from the entire thing. Even the premise of the story gives off that aforementioned scent. Let me explain: there's this scientist guy, and his son died in a car crash. Rather let his son remain dead, the scientist whose name I'm too lazy to look up decides to pull a Pinocchio and make a son of his own. Fair enough, but given that he makes his new robo-son 10 years old and permanently stuck in only a speedo, I'm more convinced that his first son killed himself to get away from an impending molestation case and less that it was an accident. What's more, Dr. Pedobear decided to give his new son (Astro Boy, if you haven't figured it out yet, Stupid) ass-mounted machine guns, preventing me from making a single "Why don't you have a seat, right over hear" joke in this entire review.

"But what does this have to do with racism", you ask without realizing how rude it is to interrupt my blog. I was getting to that: the previous paragraph denotes only the general backstory of Omega Factor; the actual plot concerns Astro trying to resolve the hatred between robots and humans. Yet unlike Radiant Dawn, where its respective races eventually worked things out, the robots and humans of Omega Factor fuck things up enough to get their planet exploded. Of course, this means nothing for you; since you're so awesome, you get to play the entire game all over again, scrounging every level for some missed secret so you can get a better ending.

Don't get me wrong, Omega Factor is a good game, just not good enough to play twice (especially in that " Rare N64" forced fashion). The game's divided into two types of gameplay: side-scrolling beat em up, and Gradius-esque shooty stages. "Sounds repe-" what did I just tell you about interrupting my blog? Although yes, you do have a point. The gameplay is a bit repetitive, having descended from two gaming genres which specialize in doing the same thing ad nauseam, but it's still fun for a single reason: it's creative. Rather than just walking in a straight line and punching criminals in that line, you have a variety of moves and maneuvers, like kicking things (holy crap!) and, of course, the ability to crap bullets at projectile speeds. Some of them you can pull off immediately, but others require that you satisfy Astro's blood-lust. This is incredibly easy to do, which makes you wonder why they bothered placing a limit in the first place.

...as bait in my annual pedophile hunts.

The shooting sections aren't much better; because you're still using Astro, you're limited to one weapon: the finger laser. You still have your blood-lust powers, but that's about it. To make things worse, the laser doesn't have any turbo, so you're forced to mash the B button the entire fight. I know a shooter doesn't need power-ups to be good, but they can't hurt. Wait, that reminded me of something: I originally said that the shooting portions were good. What's so good about a button-mashing shooter with only one weapon? Well, the design; everything about them seems streamlined, from the automatic direction switching to the way enemies and bosses are designed.

Also smooth: the RPG stat thing. Not smooth: that crappy transition. Moving on, what sets Astro Boy apart from other beat em ups and shmups (aside from the pedo vibe) is the weird stat system. Here's how it works: every time Astro meets somebody, he registers their profile on a Chinese chess board/personality chart thing. Somehow, this allows him to upgrade all his weapons and systems. Oh, and a useless sensor stat you'll never use. It may sound weird to use the characters as a source of power, and while that's true, it does open up some interesting possibilities for hunting down hidden characters/unlocking branching storylines in the more non-linear moments of the game. I imagine. Keep in mind I didn't play the new game + thing, mainly because I don't like it when the game forces that crap on me. No means no, Astro Boy. I give you the Irony Award. Ironically, there is absolutely nothing ironic about the award itself. *brain explodes*

Review Synopsis

I think this is one of the few instances where Chris Hansen would say "You had it coming."
Generic beat em up+nondescript shooty portions=kickass combo of both? Screw you, math.
Ass gun. Enough said.

12 Comments

A dedication to old school platformers. Sort of.

By Video_Game_King October 19, 2009 29 Comments

Croc: Legend of the Gobbos

( I know I've said this in previous blogs, but the 90s were awesome incarnate.) It had the balls to reveal Satan Claus for what he was (on Invader Zim, a show conspicuously absent from YouTube), Disney movies that weren't shit with 3D stink lines, and the best video game ever made EVER. What could be wrong with such a decade? Oh, right: the platformers. For the uninformed, the 90s was also a desolate wasteland, filled with furry-mascot collect-a-thons. Croc: Legend of the Gobbos is one such collect-a-thon.

So why did I play it? Well, before playing this, it gave off a very distinct 90s vibe, and I thought it would be an underappreciated 2D platformer. Imagine my surprise when I found it to be a deservedly mediocre 3D platformer! I should have seen that coming, given that this game was made around the same time as Rocket: Robot on Wheels, Banjo Kazooie, Spyro, and just about every other platformer that rips off the Super Mario 64 glory. So why did I like those games (Spyro not included), but not Croc? Well, all those games have something in common: decent controls. Not Croc, however; apparently, the people at Argonaut played Resident Evil and thought the controls would best fit a 3D platformer. What could possibly go right?

Yet Croc does not leave the unintuitive controls to the movement. No, it pioneers in crap controls. For example, you know how in Super Mario 64, you can do a ground pound by hitting Z in mid-air? Well, in Croc, you do the same thing by pressing the jump button in mid-air. It may sound innocuous, given that you'll eventually figure out that this game has no double jump, but it can cause cheap deaths when you accidentally press the jump button too early. Other deaths attributed to jumping include the somewhat finicky ledge grabbing controls, and the left and right controls turning into strafe buttons mid-air.

This is seriously the most interesting thing in Croc.

The odd thing about it, however, is that the gameplay is rather easy to grasp: explore levels, find keys to open doors and cages, and collect diamonds and furballs until you hit a giant gong with your tail. It sounds OK, and while it is, this is pretty much all you'll do in the game. All the levels have this same-y feel to them, the only change being the level theme. Even the special boss levels aren't safe from this, both in the level part and the boss part. I've already told you about the levels, so here's your strategy for the bosses: dodge their attacks, whip them with your tail (I guess grabbing them with your mouth and spinning them around like a drill would have created too much gore for a kid's game), rinse and repeat. I can only name one boss in the entire game that does something different than this, and it isn't the final boss. In fact, the only thing that he does different is that instead of repeating the aforementioned process once, you must now do it thrice.

Then you're treated to a crap ending with all the furb-crap! I forgot the story part of the review. Here's the basic premise of Croc: there's a colony of Kuribohs on an unknown island, and one day, a baby crocodile appears on their island. Rather than flush it down the toilet, they raise it as one of their own. Keep in mind that these things are tiny, and crocodiles...well, that part's obvious. Anyway, one day, an evil king guy captures all the Gobbos, and it is up to Croc to rescue them all. Why did he capture the furballs? Probably for the same reason I'm going to end this review so abruptly: no reason whatsoever. Weakest Crocodile Award.

Review Synopsis

In the real world, crocodiles have enough raw power to kill sharks; in Croc, you'll be lucky to kill anything, given the poor controls.
I guess in an attempt at overcompensation, the bosses are really, really, easy.
There are better 3D platformers, obviously.

Since we're talking about 90s platformers, we might as well attack the source. With erectile dysfunction!

Mega Man 5

( As long as we're talking about washed-up blue platforming mascots, Mega Man!) Wow, it's been a long time, hasn't it? Let's see....wow, I haven't reviewed a Mega Man game in at least two months! You'd think I would have played this game a bit earlier, but it seems like many other games just got in the way. Oh, and the other game I wanted to play for this blog wouldn't really work (the sound was dead), so here's Mega Man!

I know the plot is exactly the same as just about any other Mega Man game (as is everything else), but humor me: after Wily's fourth failed attempt at beating Mega Man, he's given up the world-conquering game and left it to Proto Man. (OK, he hasn't, but we don't know that yet.) Mega Man must now defeat his Robot Masters, invade his imposing/impractical fortress, and suppress that thought he has that it's actually Wily. The first step, of course, as always, is to beat the Robot Masters. You know the drill: pick one boss, beat them, rip their weapon off their corpse (yet somehow leave it on them so you can beat them later), use that weapon against somebody weak to it, repeat the entire cycle until you get to the bad guy's fort.

Protoman, unlike Wily, guards his fortress with FUCKING TIGERS!!!

However, this game also follows the tradition of not making any sense with its weaknesses. How, for example, does a train's weapon beat water? I can understand that it's a powered up slide more useless than Top Man, but how would that beat water? And for that matter, why doesn't water beat f'ing napalm? You'd think water would beat fire jelly two-fold, but no, apparently you get diamonds for that crap! Whatever, at least the weapons themselves are still the same: multiple direction shot, shield, ground-based shot, etc. The only problem I have with this basic premise is that the weapons really don't affect the levels in any way. It may sound petty, but remember the original Mega Man, where each weapon would have some sort of effect on the environment, like creating a platform or clearing a new path for you? Why did that have to end around Mega Man 2-ish?

But whatever, at least Mega Man 5 acknowledges that levels are for more than getting from point A to B (B, of course, being a boss); each level holds a single letter, and collecting them all gets you a new weapon. It's a cool way to get you to search levels, pay attention, and replay them so you can get that neat weapon. Or it would be if the weapon were any good. Might as well stop referring to it as a weapon: it's Beat, a robotic bowling ball with wings. He's supposed to lock onto any nearby enemies and peck the crap out of them, and while that's already pretty crap, he manages to screw it up even further by requiring that you be incredibly close to the enemies in question. Hell, if you're already as close as the game demands, you might as well just shoot the poor bastards in the face.

Finally, there's the overall problem of the game being a bit too easy. You get more energy tanks than you do weapons, weaknesses are exaggerated (as always), and the new controls for the PS1 version, while entirely welcome, make things slightly easier. It doesn't help that the game is already shorter than Strider 2 on fast forward. Then again, a lot of really good games are on the short side (Portal, Panzer Dragoon Saga, P.....Phire Emblem 4). Then again again, all of those games are really good games that can stand on their own; this one has recycled the Mega Man formula so damn much, even Captain Planet would tell you it's time to throw the damn thing out. Are you happy, Mega Man 5? You've made Captain Planet cry! I didn't think it possible, given how many tears gushed out his eyes when he saw Dust Man's level. I'm giving it the Least Environmental Game Award. Yes, it's worse than ET!*

Review Synopsis

Same Mega Man as ever, you know the drill.
Beat makes his first (and what probably should have been his last) appearance.
*In that it harms the environment more. Not in terms of overall quality.

29 Comments

The Blog of Infinitely Confusing Titles. Ongoing umbrella.

By Video_Game_King October 13, 2009 13 Comments

Silhouette Mirage

( About a week ago, I read a blog about how awesome Treasure is.) Here's the blog, and here's why the company is so awesome: in an industry driven by sequels to sequels to sequels to games that weren't really that good to begin with, Treasure is a company that has always tried new things, avoiding sequels at all costs. (That is, until, Sin & Punishment 2. You bastards.) They've come up with tons of ideas, like a game where you throw your head at enemies, a game where you shake babies at the behest of Master Roshi, and tons of games where you shoot the shit out of everything with a pulse. However, there is one game Treasure has never made: a bad one. Until now, that is. In their eternal quest for creativity, they made Silhouette Mirage, a game that plays like a cross between Ikaruga and Mischief Makers.

Like this, only not as good.

Actually, its more like Ikaruga than Mischief Makers; all enemies are either red or blue, and you must shoot them with the opposite color in order to harm them. Within that premise, I've already spotted the problem that it limits the artistic variety of the game (everything has to be either red or blue), but wait, it gets worse. Unlike Ikaruga (I hope), you can only harm enemies if you're the right color. You may wonder what's wrong with that, but I forgot to include that you switch colors by facing a certain direction. So if you're squaring off against a foe they're in the wrong corner, chances are the fight will consist more of trying to wedge yourself between them and the invisible wall than it will actually shooting.

Go ahead, shoot all the red bullets you want at your red enemies, it won't do you any good. OK, it will drain their MP and give it to you, and the only thing your MP does is allow you to switch colors without doing so for direction. A lot of you reading this have now decided the entire review is crap based on that one sentence, but LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!!! Even at full MP, you can only switch colors thrice. If you knew what thrice meant, trust me, you'd be pissed. But what pisses me off more is the inconsistency; you can blast enemies for all the MP in the world, but no such thing exists for HP. Instead, you're limited to buying health restoration at a few shops throughout the game that only accept currency you don't come across too often.

Also sold at said shops: weapons that you'll never use, since they cost too much and your regular gun works just fine (even if it could use a turbo function). Why they're even sold is something that confuses me, along with a lot of the game in general. For example, the story: it's the far off future, and all of Earth has apparently been drafted into that Halo 3 machinima. As the Messenger of Justice, you, a little girl, must reset Edo to save the world or something. I couldn't really follow it, and things just went downhill from there. For example, after discovering a chameleon wizard guy, you must fight him, suffer through a cutscene with the villain, watch a load screen (you'll see a lot of that), and cut away to the same wizard helping you for the rest of the game. OK, Silhouette Mirage actually tries to explain that, but to me, it came off as "we couldn't come up with any other way to get her from level to level." Throw in an end portion of the game more confusing than half the things going on in the Pokemon universe, and you can see why I don't count this as one of the game's strong points.

Pictured: severe retardation.

However, for all the complaining of the past few paragraphs, I am forced to say that the music in this game is really good. Powerful, dramatic, and memorable are all apt words to describe Uematsu's greatest w....wait, I'm describing Lost Odyssey's music. I was listening to it due to this game's lack of music, at least in my case. I don't know if I was unlucky or if it was technical problems, but I couldn't get the music to play at all. My best guess is that you have to unlock the music. Yes, I know this sounds retarded, and while it is, just read the Wiki on it and look at the picture I've supplied. Clearly, somebody thought this was a good idea, and clearly, somebody must die for being so horrifically stupid.

OK, in all seriousness, now is the time for some actual compliments. The art style is still as distinct as ever, the dialogue is memorable, and the bosses all retain that unique Treasure feel. Sure, they're kinda easy, but at least they equal Trouble Bruin and the final boss of Gunstar Heroes and all the other Treasure bosses in creativity. Still, not quite enough to redeem all the other flaws in Silhouette Mirage, so I still have to give it a crap score. Oh, and the Stupidest Name, Even in Context Award. To put that in perspective, imagine if Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance was called "Beorc Laguz." Or if Gears of War was called "Cog Locust."

Review Synopsis

You have to unlock the music. Enough said.
Kind of like Ikaruga, if it was a very limiting platformer.
Sparse opportunities to heal make this a kind of hard game.

And now for something completely different:

KiKi KaiKai

( Holy crap, it's been a while since I've even looked at the TurboGrafx-16!) What was the last game I beat for it? Samurai Ghost? That piece of crap? Of course you wouldn't remember that, nobody posted in it. Anyway, I touched this racist-named game because it's the precursor to Pocky & Rocky, a cool top-down shmup for the SNES. KiKi KaiKai, being related to that game, is exactly that: a cool top-down shmup.

Yet unlike P&R, this game is not about a little girl blasting through demons for the hell of it. I think. I don't know, what little text there is in KKKK is in Japanese, so I was unable to understand the game on two fronts. The following is just a rough approximation based on the bosses and what happens in my insane mind. It's ancient Japan, and all the gods have been stolen. You, an androgynous.....Japanese....um....human...., must venture through Japan to rescue the gods and make sure they get to the party boat in time. How shall you do this? Well, you have two very important weapons at your disposal: a deck of playing cards and one of those crappy rhythmic ribbon things.

This is the closest you'll ever come to playing KiKi KaiKai.

The gods sound fucked, don't they? Worry not, for the weapons here are actually kind of decent. So decent, in fact, that the developers thought you wouldn't need any type of upgrades ever. Hold on, what!? That's f'ed up. Most shooters are fun due to the varied weapon library and challenging & approachable enemy waves, and while there are enough enemies in KKKK to invade a small country, it fails on the weapons count. In my entire playthrough, I only encountered one extra weapon and one weapon upgrade. Pathetic. So it should be bad, right?

Surprise, it isn't! I know, weird, right? How can this game still be good, despite violating the two conditions I set forth for the genre? Well, it's the small things that count, like the addition of a turbo button. Unlike Silhouette Mirage, I can just hold down a button and watch as all the demons die again (they're demons). It even works for bosses! The bosses in this game are easy, one of them so much so that I didn't have to move, but they're not so easy that I have to do what I did with that one boss in this one game. The only boss who is that easy is the final boss, who isn't the one I described before, since I had to move around.

However, the weird thing is that the final boss isn't the end. As I mentioned, the gods must get on a party boat, but they lost their tickets, meaning you must now spend an extra level searching for them all, for some reason. It's harder than it should be and feels completely out of place in every sense of the phrase; in addition to coming out of nowhere, it doesn't fit well with the other, more linear, straightforward levels in the game. Sure, the other levels have diverging paths and multiple ways to approach a given portion of the level, but none of them turn into a glorified game of hide and seek. You know what, I think I should stop complaining about the final level. After all, there is more to KKKK, like....uh......the bland graphics, and......the small music library? OK, I should have stuck with complaining about the final level, but I didn't. I made this decision, and I have to stick with it. Log Award for Simple Fun. *leaves*

Review Synopsis

The open ended levels add replay value to an otherwise short, easy game.
You only get two weapons, if you can call cards and ribbons weapons.
Still a good game to play in short bursts.

13 Comments

Older games will no doubt be pissed.

By Video_Game_King October 9, 2009 17 Comments

Darkstalkers

( First, by insulting this random fighting game.) OK, so you younger folks may not have heard of this, but trust me, gamers who were around in 1995 will be p-wait, they won't? What do you mean they don't give a crap about a semi-obscure Capcom fighter? Whatever, I still don't like the game that much.

The first reason is the character roster; any good fighter lives or dies by how well balanced and varied the cast is, and Darkstalkers dies a horrible death at the hands of the "well balanced." Or not, given that it's a vampire-themed game. All the characters and locales have this B-movie horror feel, making Darkstalkers unique in theme, at least. The actual fighters seem to have been ripped directly from Street Fighter Alpha with a few minor changes, like different super-move mechanics and destroyable background objects. OK, so Darkstalkers actually improves a bit on the Street Fighter formula while keeping some of what people enjoy about the series. Namely, the moves. At first, I found them quite easy to pull off. You know, half-circle forward, quarter-circle forward, that Shoryuken move I really don't like.

Darkstalkers is a great way to confuse your sexuality.

But as I blasted through character after character, something strange started happening: the moves were becoming harder to use. Soon, I had to pull off moves like quarter-circle downs, alternating up and down in confusing patterns, and......seriously? An f'ing circle? OK, it makes sense on an arcade joystick, but with a D-pad, things quickly feel a bit crowded. (And no, I don't have fat fingers, so don't bother pointing that out. Probably with your chubby fingers, lardass.) So I just abandoned all the special moves and focused on punching/kicking my enemies to death like a little girl in a slap fight. That may explain why I got my ass kicked so often, so keep that in mind when I insult the crap out of the computer and character roster.

Oh, you remember near the beginning, when I said the game wasn't balanced? I could go into great detail about how Capcom is apparently run by furries, but I think I can summarize it in one statement: a character's usefulness is inversely proportional to how much they weigh. The only exception to this rule seems to be when the computer uses the bigfoot guy, since he can usually beat even the nakedest of furries with a kick that takes up half the screen. Try this shit yourself, and you'll find it near impossible. That's what I don't like about the matches: it seems the computer never has to do any of the moves, just summon them. I've never seen a computer duck for twelve seconds or back themselves into a corner to use the ultra kickass moves.

OK, I've spent a lot of time bitching about the game being cheap or unintuitive, so I feel it's only fair that I at least compliment the game enough to raise it to a 6.0: the fighting system itself is smooth, as are the graphics. Even though both of those are due to it being Street Fighter with vampires, Street Fighter was good to begin with, so I'm willing to excuse that. Hell, as I said in the second paragraph, there are some things this game does on its own, giving it enough reason to be its own game. If you ever thought Street Fighter was in dire need of half-naked furries....what the hell's wrong with you!? Seriously, what happened in your life to cause such a screwed up psyche!? Get the hell out of here! *you leave* That's better. Now then, as I intended to do before Furry Fucker Ferguson burst in, I give this game the Smiley Face Murder Award for Dark Optimism. That's the feeling I got from the endings in this game, if that helps you understand.

Review Synopsis

Darkstalkers, like Fox News, is incredibly fair and bal-*bursts out in laughter* I'm sorry, I just can't finish that sentence with a straight face.
I guess to make up for that, Capcom gave the game a unique feel and style to it.
If you've always wanted Blanka to be covered in white hair, here's your opportunity.

Come on, don't act like you've never pirated a damn thing. We were all in that thread.

Kid Icarus

( Given the negative reception this game has seen in recent years, I was expecting not to like Kid Icarus.) Odd thing is, I actually liked the game quite a bit. Why do you think I named the title the way I did? Because I was being sarcastic? Well, your sarcasmeter isn't broken, you just don't know how to read the damn thing. Anyway, who would have thought that the reviews for this game would be wrong? OK, me, but who would have thought this meant the Nintendo fanboys were right?

And yes, they were right on almost everything. This game does indeed deserve a sequel (I guess Of Myths & Monsters didn't count), since I couldn't understand what the crap was going on in the original. That's probably due to it being entirely in Japanese, but shut up, I need some sort of base! Anyway, something happens in the world of Greek mythology, and you, a scrappy little angel boy named Pit must do something about it. You'll have to travel through Hades and up into the heavens to face off with Medusa. OK, I'm making it sound more complex than it actually is, but for an early NES game, Kid Icarus is actually pretty smooth and well-rounded.

Grapefruit wizards. I wish I could come up with something that off-beat.

While it gives off a cutesy platformer vibe (because that's exactly what it is), there are also a few RPG elements thrown into the mess. Your almost never visible score also counts as EXP, you rip out the hearts of your foes and trade them for new weapons/items, and you can train with the gods if you feel your enemies aren't on fire enough when you tear out their still-beating hearts. It's all good and pulled off competently, but for an NES platformer, this all seems like a lot to learn and juggle. If you're gonna play Kid Icarus, it's gonna take at least a couple of levels before you fully grasp everything this game offers.

And that's not even including the confusing labyrinths. Every 4th level, instead of walking up or right, you have to find your way around a giant dungeon filled with angel helper statues, snake pots, and eggplant wizards. Weird, right? Well, things get weirder: it seems the levels were designed with an overhead view in mind, but still take place in side scrolling, leading to...absolutely nowhere, these dungeons are HARD! The bosses guarding them, however, are slightly easier than they should be. They're not pushovers, but you can usually just fire away at them over the course of an entire day without losing too much health. The final boss is especially guilty of this, since you can fly up to her eye and shoot at her between her shots. Which is weird, because medusas are especially known for gazes that turn men to stone.

Speaking of large gaping holes, this game has a bit of a scrolling hole problem. About half the game scrolls upward, which unfortunately means what was once solid ground has now become nothingness, leading you to a horrible death. I wouldn't mind this much if ducking didn't make you fall through some of the platforms, but you already know that it does. Pit has wings, but for some reason, they only work when he buys a feater. So you'll die quite a bit, but doesn't that already happen in half the NES library anyway? Let's ignore the high mortality rate and focus on what makes the game good: unique gameplay, a charming feel, and that cool shooter level at the end. That's enough to give it a good score, right? If it isn't, I imagine the Grapefruit Award would be enough to bring it up to there.

Review Synopsis

Compared to other games of the time, this was the Steel Battalion of 1985.
But unlike Steel Battalion, Kid Icarus is actually pretty decent.
Truly great music.

17 Comments

How well does Nintendo handle repairs?

By Video_Game_King October 5, 2009 10 Comments

Nintendo Repair Services

( Well, I'm going to answer that in this blog, quite obviously.) After all, I feel as though I've been bitching about it for the past few weeks, so it would only be fair that I wrap things up in a creative way. Besides, while I do have games for another blog currently in my line up *cough* DarkStalkers *cough, hack*, I just want to spend some more time with Final Fantasy Tactics. Trust me, sending a team of mediators to talk goblins to death is fun enough to delay a vampire fighter.

For those of you who don't know, the Wii is Nintendo's latest home console, r....I guess my regular reviewing tactics aren't applicable here, are they? But I have to give you guys some sort of back story! All right, here's what happened: I got my Wii at launch, and didn't encounter a problem with it until a few months ago. I stuck Super Mario Sunshine in, but it wouldn't play. I found it weird, especially since the GameCube I locked in my attic without food or love played it with great enthusiasm, but whatever, I was playing a game where you could command dinosaur-esque creatures to vomit on nearby foes. Besides, it was a used copy and Okami worked just fine (aside from the occasional graphical overload), so I didn't think much of it.

Fast forward to September: I have just finished Assault on Butcher Bay, and, wanting to make my own ass as superb as Vin Diesel's, I pop in some Wii Sports Resort after about 20 minutes of struggling to put my Wii-mote into the Nintendo Wii-Mote Condom. But something was wrong: clicking noises and disc read errors. To make sure it was the Wii, I tried some Fire Emblem, and sure enough, it was the Wii. I tried everything to get my games to work, from stabbing it into a strip tease and sacrificing virgin BIC pens to the gaming gods, to covering a blank DVD in rabbit pubes and shoving a Q-tip in there because fuck it, somebody said dust was the problem. Obviously, none of these worked, so I had to place my Wii in a cardboard coffin and send it to Nintendo, which appropriately translates to " Leave Luck to Heaven."

Unfortunately, if I were to judge by the early stages of repair, that probably would have been a very bad idea, as getting repairs set up isn't exactly an easy process. I tried calling them to see if somebody would direct me through it (you know, like Microsoft does *HINT HINT*), but it seems their customer service line is dedicated mainly to online problems; after all, if you have a working connection, why the hell would you call their line? Wait, that didn't come out nearly as bad as I thought it would. Anyway, after about 20 online forms, I was finally given all that I needed to deliver my Wii: where to ship it, where to ship it from, and a price of $85. Holy shit! I know I wasn't within the warranty, but that's quite a lot to charge for what I suspect is dusting my Wii's innards.

But whatever, the money was already paid. Next came the shipping, which turned out surprisingly well, with emphasis on "surprising." I shipped it on Saturday, and according to their updates, they got it Wednesday. You're probably thinking, "Why didn't you renounce your faith in Wiisus after such a horrible sin?" While it's true that I could have driven my Wii to their offices faster, you guys are forgetting business day bullshit. Here's the thing: FedEx shipped it on Monday, meaning it got to Nintendo in 2 days. That's actually good time, and the only thing I can complain about there is the aforementioned bullshit of business days. If FedEx won't ship on the weekends, why the hell are they open on those days? That's misleading, isn't it? Again, whatever, at least my Wii was repaired. And in two days, as the following picture shows:

Pictured: good service. Maybe.

However, all of this is for naught if they send my a plastic white brick, right? Well, that's the finale of this blog, but with a twist: I shall do it all live. Or as live as text can be; I'll just write about the Wii as it happens, with music to punctuate any emotions (like I did before). OK, are we clear? We are? Then let's get it on: I just noticed something: isn't it weird that I had to pay $10 for FedEx, yet Nintendo just dumped my Wii into UPS and expected it to be delivered whenever? Hypocritical, no?...The time is 6:27 PM EST. I have received the package. Let us hope they didn't accidentally ship me a four-pound block of coke.

What the hell? I got an invoice telling me what they did, that's normal, but I also got some safety/maintenance tips. Thanks for treating me like an idiot, Nintendo. I thought my not sending you the controller told you that I didn't punt it into the TV during a session of Madden. The lack of a Madden save should have told you that, as well...The box is a lot harder to open than I thought...6:34 PM: I find out that UPS has a severe hatred for their customers and will make their packaging as unintuitive as possible....Oddly enough, the date and time are still intact, despite stories against this. Weird.... Two seconds within Wii Shop, and already I'm prompted to update it. Faster connection than before, though, if that counts for anything...Scratch that, it's still slower than a group of retarded snails...Update's up, back to Wii Shop!...Wow, Final Fantasy is up on Wii Shop? You know what that means!...Yay, all my Wii points are still there!

Now then, the moment of truth! I open up Radiant Dawn, let the Wii gobble it up... IT WORKS!!! Oh, glorious day! I'm feeling...a bit disappointed, actually. I had so much material for if Nintendo fucked it all up, and now that they've proven themselves competent, it all goes to waste. Whatever, at least I get my Fire Emblem. Huzzah! Overall, I give the entire process an 8.0/10, along with the Hank Hill Award for All of that Crap I've Been Spewing Before.....*sigh*......I Tell You What.

Review Synopsis

Microsoft clearly has the upper hand in customer service.
However, Nintendo seems to handle their affairs in a timely fashion. Points for that.
My Wii works. That's all that matters in the end.

But wait, I'm not done, oh not yet! Because I haven't beaten any of the three games I've had for my Wii for a month, I have this odd desire to review them. So another little experiment:

Phantom Brave: We Meet Again

( But with a twist!) Keep in mind that I haven't actually played the game in any form whatsoever. "So then what shall you review", you ask in an angry, confused manner. Ever hear the phrase "don't judge a book by its cover"? Yea, I'm gonna do just that. This is...

For those who would like a reference, go do a Google search or something. I'm not your f'ing nanny. For those who actually have an imagination, read on. Because I have a collector's edition or whatever, my copy of Phantom Brave came in one of those crappy sleeve things. However, unlike just about every other game I've seen doing this, the sleeve's art is completely different from the actual box for absolutely no reason whatsoever. The sleeve thing depicts a calm ocean background featuring a modest hero, his two girlfriends (I think; I haven't played the game, REMEMBER!?), and a large, square-ish dragon behind it all; open it up and HOLY CRAP, WHAT HAPPENED!? Everything is so cluttered, it looks like what happened after anime was gangbanged by a bunch of pastels! The worst part is that this is the same art used on the instruction manual, meaning Nippon-Ichi probably thought it was good enough to be official!

Does this remind you of anything? Anything AT ALL!?

Which is really weird, because the actual game disc is far more similar to the cardboard sleeve than the clusterfuck of colors I mentioned earlier. Oddly conflicting images, hmm.....Anyway, let's move to the back. Well, what a refreshing change: rather than the stark contrast of before, the back of the box is mostly the same between the two; in fact, the only difference I could find was this stamp that says "Includes digital art disc." It may not seem like much, and while it isn't much, it does cut off the protagonist's figure, which I-wait, what have we here? There's French on the back of the box? A touch of multiculturalism, made moot by the lack of people around here who speak French and a translation above it that takes the fun out of doing th-hold on, what have we here? Look at the menus I have found. Notice any similarities? Yep, Final Fantasy Tactics. I think I'm going to love this game, which is why I give the box art....hold on...*changes to Calculator class, dicks around with numbers*....a 7.3/10. And the Clusterfuck of Colors Award.

Review Synopsis

A Jekyll/Hyde relationship between the two box arts.
Je ne sais pas porquoi les mots sont en français.
It is related to Final Fantasy Tactics; that makes it awesome.

10 Comments

I'm pretty sure this blog breaks at least 12 laws I know of.

By Video_Game_King October 2, 2009 9 Comments

Aegis Wing

( The first of which being the restraining order the shmup genre has filed against me.) This shouldn't be anything new: shmups and me haven't had the best of relationships for a long time. Oh, and given my experiences with downloadable games, why the hell not? They haven't treated me well, either. So of course, the obvious answer: because it was free, and somebody once said that the best things in life are free. I hope that asshole is sentenced to a life of eating only supermarket samples and the bread at his local restaurants.

For every single one of you who don't know what the hell an Aegis Wing is, here's the synopsis: Microsoft is very, very cruel. How cruel? Well, they've forced their interns to program an entire game for the Xbox 360. But wait, it gets worse than that. As I mentioned before, this game is free, meaning there's no chance anybody behind the game will ever see any profit ever, but Microsoft has said that they will start charging someday, probably as part of some perverse joke. I'd call this game a perverse joke, as well, but remember, it's free, so I have no right to complain.

You're gonna be seeing a lot of this guy.

But I will anyway, because I have 11 other laws to break by the end of the blog (10 if you count this transgression). The first thing I have to complain about is that it's, well, generic. I know I've said this for just about every other game in the genre, but this game really feels that way with stock music, bullet patterns more predictable than your average Scooby Doo plot, and you'll visit a bevy of unique locations ranging from "burned up city" to "brownish space." Also, probably due to a lack of ideas, you'll fight the same boss throughout the entire game, the only difference being his attacks. However, like the enemies, his patterns are predictable and the only challenge he presents is how long you can hold A.

That's the major flaw I find with this game: it's too f'ing easy. I found myself weaving between bullets with nary a problem, defeating everything with the advanced, mysterious technique known as "Tape Down The A Button." Oh, and keep in mind that the A button only fires your default, non-upgradable gun; my technique doesn't even consider handful of special weapons. On that note, they work, at least in execution. They range in creativity from a spacetime-shift that makes things retarded, a shield, a huge death ray, a lot of tiny death rays, and....wait, is that it? Yea, I think that's it, at least that's all I can remember. So numbers don't matter; as long as the system works, it's all good, right? Well, yes; you collect each one of those in limited supply, forcing you to strategize how you use your weapons. Sort of. Unfortunately, they never bothered putting in a system to swap (or at least stack) your weapons, so there's always the chance that you'll lose your super kickass bullet reflecting shield to the hands of the Retard Field.

Hold on, I just remembered something: I can't complain much about this game because I got it for free. The people behind this weren't being paid anything at all for anything ever, so why should they have given a crap if this game was good? Probably because they were working for Microsoft, a company that could probably buy these interns and use them as slave labor, but that's beside the point. The point is that while I can't complain about the overall quality of the game due to its lack of a price, I can complain about the lack of basic things, like saving. There's no save system of any kind in this game! You'd think it'd be easy to make one, especially considering that it's six levels long, but I guess this was something those interns had whipped out of their minds. They also forgot to add extra lives, a limit on continues, and a lot of the refinements you'd expect in 2009. Or 1999. Given the trend I've created, I'll give this game the Best Game of 1989 Award :P.

Review Synopsis

It's free, but it's also short and bare-bones. Judge that as you see fit.
You can beat this game with the A button.
I've heard of a co-op mode, but why the hell would you want to make an easy game easier?

On display are several forms of idiocy (going to the park so as not to get caught drinking beer, leaving the keys in the ignition of your unlocked car, making a "Road Out" sign when you know they'll plummet off the side of said road before they reach the broken part of it):

Road Rash

( No, this isn't a biker-specific strain of the herpes virus!) It's an old Genesis racer where bikers punch the shit out of each other. However, the actual punching part of the game is weak; while driving, you get next to your opponent and just wail away with the C button until they're either 12 miles behind you or 12 miles behind you in a pool of their own blood. That's all there is to the system, because your enemies apparently have springs for hands and there's only one weapon in the game: the fist-club, a stick that might as well be your very own punch.

Did you guys find it weird that I dived into the review head first for once? You know, sort of like how you're able to dive head first into the road in Road Rash. And just like Road Rash, I shall continue running with this premise long after all of you have passed by. "With what," you ask? Well, I'll continue with the actual racing element.....Damn it, I've nothing to say on that alone. What do you want me to say? It's racing; you just hold down accelerate and weave your way through traffic, cops, and bikers until you're in first place. The only thing I can tell you that's useful is how well the game pulls this off.

Pictured: the two characters nobody has ever unlocked in this game.

In short, not as good as you'd think; in long, this entire paragraph. I've already detailed the combat, but the steering is slightly worse. It feels a bit weird, especially on turns, since the way the game was programmed will send you to the other side of the screen when sharp turns come up. Other than that, there's not much I can say on the game. I know, it's weird, isn't it? This has to be the shortest review I've done for a game here, probably because this is one of the shortest games I've reviewed here. There are only tracks in the entire game, and rather than add more or give us different vehicles (oh, they're there; they're just exactly the same), Sega decided it was best to repeat the same five tracks across five difficulty levels, the only difference being that they're now much longer. Textbook definition of "cheap development methods."

Oh, look at that, it's not the shortest anymore. Anyway, there are a few things about this game that come to mind when I think of those three words, the first being the graphics. Before the SNES invented Mode 7, Sega did almost the same thing in Road Rash. However, it's not as good as Mode 7, as it makes the frame rate jerky and causes the aforementioned steering problems. But even with drifty steering, the game is still a pretty fun distraction when you've nothing else to do. That's why I give it the Yo-Yo Award. Figure it out on your own.

Review Synopsis

Repeating the same levels again and again=/=level variety.
While a bit unpolished, the game itself is actually kinda decent.
The combat could have worked if they gave you more than two attacks.

9 Comments

A tragic moment in video game history.

By Video_Game_King September 28, 2009 13 Comments

Assassin's Creed

( I seriously didn't want it to come to this.) After shoving Revas down an elevator shaft, I decided I'd give my Wii some equal time. After all, it had been quite a while since I played the damn thing. But something was wrong; it would choke on whatever game I put within it, giving off death clicks whenever I tried playing anything. My last memories with it were a Radiant Dawn, making it to Micaiah's forbidden tongue before I received the death message. I tried everything within my reach, but alas, it ended on Saturday, when I sent the poor thing to its maker. Literally, I sent it to Nintendo for repairs. During all this, left with no Wii games, I played Professor Layton (but you couldn't have known that, right?) and Assassin's Creed.

Set in the future and also the past, you play as a bartender playing as a medieval assassin on a quest to assassinate the various leaders of the known world. It sounds confusing in words, but that's only because of the sci-fi theme, or as I call it, the "why"-fi theme. Wait.....uh, anyway, I can imagine why Ubisoft chose the science fiction thing, but a lot of the reasons seem unnecessary; the story sets you up for a tutorial perfectly (and gives one, as well), most of the villains repeat the message that the sci-fi attempts to deliver (more on that later), they do nothing in terms of gameplay, and I don't see much of a reason for them to limit off certain areas of cities ((parenthesis)).

If you hold down the left trigger, he does a cannonball!

It strikes me as a bit weird that they included something so superfluous, as the rest of this world is fantastic. The characterization/dialogue reaches Venture Bros levels of greatness, half the buildings are dilapidated pieces of crap, and the oppressive rules of the Holy Land forbid jumping of any kind. Whenever I jumped on/climbed anything, the citizens would look on in confusion and the guards would unleash all their fury upon me. In fact, remember the beginning of Aladdin? I think the guards were chasing him because he was jumping about while singing (the fiend!). (That reminds me: this game rips off Aladdin a little bit, but in important places. ) But like Aladdin, I had fun jumping about the rooftops, running away from the guards.

This is where the game excels: exploration. There are many ways to access whatever you want to reach, a lot to explore and collect, and doing all of this is incredibly easy. The controls take some getting used to, but when you finally do adjust, moving through the city feels completely natural and fun. There were times when I'd just ignore the missions by scaling view points and saving half the population, like the complete opposite of Batman in every way. Or maybe it was because the missions aren't that good; the informer missions are good, but the assassinations are all the same: first, you gather info by beating people up, stealing from them, or neither. Then, you activate the mission and sit through twelve minutes of the target being asshole. Then, finally, you kill him with your sword, something the game seems very stubborn about. I've tried it other ways, usually by pelting them with throwing knives (like an assassin SHOULD), but the knives have this weird property where they turn into bananas when the target is near death. So I always had to rush over to my target, beat him a bit with the sword, and sit through another twelve minutes of the same speech over and over again: "I was really helping people" and "we're not so different, you and I."

Then you go back to the mission guy, never to be paid for your assassination. What I'm saying with that is why isn't there currency in this game? It could have opened up so many doors left closed in this game: I could have bought different clothes to blend in better, bought better weapons/upgraded my current ones, pickpocket citizens for their meager cash, bribed guards for hints/amnesty, hell, maybe even paid those beggar women. Instead, I lured them to me with my natural sexiness, let them ramble on a bit, and then killed them in plain sight. The wrath of Templars did not come down upon me, as many have led me to believe; usually, I could just run around the nearest corner, nobody the wiser. But even if all those guards did chase after me (and they did), who the fuck cares, these made for some awesome moments! As I said before, it's fun to jump about on the rooftops ( hmmm...), throw knives at knights from above, hide in plain sight (even if getting there is oddly more difficult than the hiding itself), and, in my case, summon the aforementioned wrath, hop on a horse, and walk forward, just out of reach of all those guards.

Keep in mind that 12th century medical practices were primitive at best.

So why was I running away from the guards? Am I a complete pussy, or did you just skip the last paragraph? Well, the main reason is because the combat is....well, it's not bad, it's just one of those aspects of the game where everybody seems divided, just like the game in general. You have a wide variety of moves and options, but in head to head combat, I usually found myself either blocking for a counter or just mashing the X button with the rapidity of a jackhammer. There wasn't much strategy to it, because if somebody tried to grab me or backstab me, I'd just counter with no consequence. Cut to three minutes later, when the streets were littered with corpses and I got into the exact same mess again. You'd think the guards would run like pussies (which I've seen them do), but their instinct was always to chase me about the town. Weird.

Also weird: the bugs and technicalities. There aren't as many as I've heard, but they're there, and that counts. Colors will sometimes stick, characters will get stuck on the in-game objects, and early in the game, I encountered freezing near the end of every assassination, meaning I essentially had to play through them twice. They're not game-destroying glitches, but it can get annoying when a counter lands you on the other side of a memory block...and into Death's cold hands. The same hands that....that took my Wii from me!!! *starts bawling* WHY!? IT WAS IN ITS PRIME!!! *runs out of blog, crying*

The Queen said:

*sigh* Why do I have to clean up my husband's messes whenever he doesn't finish a blog? Why can't that guy who uses his username on Giant Bomb do this? I guess I'll have to do it anyway. Before he ran off crying, he was supposed to give this game the Devil Survivor Award for, and I this is what he wrote, "Batshit Insane, Ridiculous Plot Twists."

Review Synopsis

There are some ancillary portions of the story, but overall, it's worth a look.
From what I could glean, he really likes the open world aspects of the game.
Huh, he didn't care for the scripted parts of Assassin's Creed that much. Weird, in all the years I've known him, he loved JRPGs and other such games.

He's still tearing through Kleenex boxes and buckets of ice cream. Here, just watch this while I console him:

Ninja Crusaders

( Well, I'm finally over the loss of my Wii.) No matter how much I cry and beg, my Wii/$85 check is still in the hands of Nintendo. I'll just have to find some way to fill the void (probably this) and pass the time during its absence. Hey, look what we have here: another mediocre NES game, but with a cool title: Ninja Crusaders! That idea alone would probably shut up even the most vehement of Assassin's Creed critics.

Not because ninjas in Israel would be awesome to the power of holy fuck, but because they'd remember that this game is actually worse than Assassin's Creed, even when you discount the fact that it's an NES game. I might as well begin with the first thought that popped into my mind when I started playing: this is a helluva lot like Ninja Gaiden, isn't it? I probably should have known just by the presence of the word "Ninja" in the title, but dear God, this is a Ninja Gaiden rip-off in almost every way. I say "almost" because it forgot to copy a lot of the things that make Ninja Gaiden good, like a decent story or good graphics.

It's not Ninja Crusaders, but you know what? Close enough.

However, it also does a few things a bit better than Ninja Gaiden, like difficulty. The game's much easier than Ninja Gaiden, so you can take that as you see it. For me, the easiness is good, but the things that make it easy aren't. Things like weapons. Like Ninja Gaiden, you can collect different weapons to use at any time. However, instead of collecting secondary weapons, you just collect weapons, ranging from a stick to a sword to a grappling hook that's pretty much a longer stick to ninja stars. Also unlike Ninja Gaiden, all the weapons do the same damage, there's no limit on how much you can use them, and most if not all of the weapons behave in the same exact way, meaning you either stick with the shurikens for the entire game or prepare for an early death.

You know what, scratch that; prepare for the early death anyway. There's a crapload of enemies in this game, and they all regenerate when you leave the screen. Of course, they die with one or two shurikens to the face, but that's not the point. The point is that the enemies regenerate for no reason, making them harder than they need to be. Of course, as is the nature of bad games, this means the bosses are easier than a 10-dollar hooker. Just dodge their attacks by jumping (or ducking, a lot of people forget that), shove ninja stars so far up their ass that they start developing ulcers, and repeat ad nauseum. Not even the final boss is immune to this treatment; the only way you can tell he's the final boss is that he has two forms that are exactly the same in every way.

If they hadn't done this, you probably would have played through the same ten levels repeatedly in your search for a final boss of some type. Yes, I said ten levels. They aren't that long and the game is already really easy, so the game's going to be shorter than your sex with the aforementioned 10-dollar hooker. Yet unlike Assassin's Creed, there's really no reason to go back and play this game again; no extra characters, no secret levels, not even a different ending. So, in the spirit of this game, I'll repeat the ending to my Assassin's Creed portion of the blog and give this game the Sobbing Wii Award. *runs off "crying", leaving somebody else to fill the synopsis*

Review Synopsis

'Ey, Oi liyke this game's easines'. Gotta luv a 10-dolla hooka, roight?. - Bushwald Sexyface.
I think the King forgot to mention that this is at least a playable game, which is much more than I can say for several others games I've/we've played. - Writey Guy, the guy behind the username. (That's all you're gonna get.)
I don't see why he's complaining about the game's length; usually, he just plays these games so he can push his blogs out the door quicker. - The Queen.

13 Comments

OK, this blog concerns mascot-based platformers.

By Video_Game_King September 26, 2009 25 Comments

Sonic Advance

( Quick, what do you think is the easiest type of game to review?) I'm guessing a lot of you probably said music games, and maybe one or two answered Mega Man. No. The correct answer seems to be Sonic games. If it's 3D, just talk about the series' steady decline, the crap controls/camera, high amount of characters, and base your score on your memories of the good old days; if the game you're reviewing is 2D, however, praise it for the sense of speed, simple controls, and base your score on how big your Sonic boner is. However, seeing as how I don't believe in the PSS (Phallic Scoring System) or all of Sonic's decline, I decided I'd play a random Sonic game and see what develops. That game was Sonic Advance, and I'm somewhat surprised to say that it's not as good as people claim it to be.

I would tell you not to choose her, but you have to if you ever want to see the ending. She is ultimate evil.

I'd go into detail on the story, but what the hell am I to say? "Eggman steals the Chaos Emeralds, Sonic must give him titty twisters until he gives them back"? Yea, that's gonna fill up an entire paragraph. OK, in all seriousness, I have an actual plan: discuss the characters. You have the exact same cast as you did in Sonic 3, each with the exact same purposes: Sonic if you want to have some f'ing fun, Tails to get the Chaos Emeralds (more on that later), and Knuckles because he was in Sonic 3. They all work just as well as ever, the only difference being the addition of a useless ability mapped to the B button. Speaking of useless, Amy is now a playable character. *sigh* Dear God, why is Amy even here? She can't roll into a ball or spin dash or do anything of use, so it feels like playing Sonic without any of the things that make Sonic fun. The only bonus is that bosses are slightly easier because of her wider range of attack, but I suspect the bosses were easy because I sent her headfirst into them, watching her almost die again and again.

Oh, I almost forgot the gameplay. Just like the story, what can I say that you guys don't already know? Christ, this is turning into a Mega Man review already. Anyway, the major theme of this game is moving really, really fast for some reason. Throughout the levels are tons of objects to help you maintain a high speed, and I know it's gonna sound weird whne I say this, but they're actually one of the game's strong points. They're quite varied and well-implemented, ranging from spinning bowl things to little wheels you run on and bouncy pole things. Each of them give the levels a memorable, unique feel, which I find quite necessary, as the level themes themselves aren't that original. I know platformers tend to repeat the same level themes over and over, but I didn't expect this game to rip things like a casino level and gravity flipping space stations completely.

Does this look familiar? Hmmm?

Then again, the game does come off as old school, so I can forgive it a little. After all, it's classic, fast-paced Sonic, featuring our old Genesis buddies. A few bosses directly reference Sonic 1 and 2, but I didn't find much referencing 3. That was the degree. As I've said time and time again, I consider Sonic 3 & Knuckles to be the best Sonic game ever, so any regression from that game is usually gonna be for the worse. Case in point: the special stages, which kicked off some bad trends in the GBA Sonics. As in previous Sonic games, you have to find a certain object that allows entry to the special stages, but unlike the other games, there's only one for each Emerald, usually in a hard to find area. They're better than the methods in the games to follow, but they're still not that good, since they're flow-breaking time wasters.

However, finding them is still better than playing the special stages, which, as I've said before, started a weird trend: stupidly high difficulty. I can almost never complete the GBA special stages, and here's a reason why, at least for this one: the perspective. Everything is accelerating towards you from an overhead view, which means you'll often find yourself colliding into objects you thought you werne't touching and missing coins you thought you were aligned wtih. See why I couldn't complete them, now? Oh, nevermind, I completed this one. So what was my reward? A new character, a Super form of a current one, an extra level? The disappointing reality is that it's just an extra boss you fight as Super Sonic. That's it, just Sonic, just that one boss. You can collect all the Emeralds with any character, but apparently, only Sonic feels the benefits, and even then, barely. He controls like crap, mainly because he's always floating to the ground. Yes, I get it, he's fighting Eggman on a planet, but SUPER SONIC CAN FLY! WHY SHOULD GRAVITY BE A FACTOR!?

I could ask that for a lot of the things in this game, but I believe I've already found the answer to them all: this was after Sonic went 3D. We all know that Sonic's career went downhill after he hit the Dreamcast, and that includes 2D games. OK, they're still better than crap like Sonic & The Black Knight and Sonic the Hedgehog, but they're still not as good as people think they are. So I give Sonic Advance the Final Fantasy VII Award for Being a Good but Overrated Game.

Review Synopsis

It's essentially old school Sonic with some unnessecary frills.
I should have known there would be nothing easy to the special stages.
Amy sucks. She is just horrible.

Let me combine something I love with something you probably love: Billy & Mandy with Michael Jackson. It's oddly great.

Crash Bandicoot: Warped

( When will games stop making me 100% them for an ending?) Oh, they stopped a long time ago? Screw that, just act like it's 1998 and the first half of the blog is heresy/prophecy. Anyway, I'm tired of games forcing me into 100% completion for any sort of ending; it just destroys otherwise good games. Blast Corps, Jet Force Gemini, Rocket: Robot on Wheels , and now Crash Bandicoot: Warped. When will it end? And, possibly more relevantly, when will this begin?

Some levels feel like they weren't even trying...

Right here, to be precise. Like the last Crash, Warped begins where the previous one ends: with Cortex having his ass blown halfway across the universe, only to stumble into another world domination plan. This time, it's Uka Uka, the evil twin brother of Aku Aku. Wait, who's Aku Aku? That floating mask that gives me an extra hit? That thing was a character? I thought it was just a mask Crash couldn't shove onto his face. Whatever, so a previously unknown characters gets a bit more of the limelight. Fortunately, this is something you get a lot of in Warped; from time to time, the villain du jour will appear on screen and command that you bring him the crystals for some reason. It seems weird that they're asking this, but aside from that, these little asides are a good way to promote these guys from insane cartoon mascots to something you'd find on The Simpsons.

Yet for all the work they put into making the bosses more three dimensional, they're still the same scenarios you've faced in previous games: wait for a chance to hit them, hit them, repeat until dead. This is a big theme in the game: not that formula thing, the fact that they were creative in theme, but not in actual gameplay. Perhaps the best (OK, just good) example is the levels. You have to time travel to each one, which you think would mean an incredibly varied amount of levels, or at least some consistency between worlds. Neither come true, as you visit the same time periods again and again, and only the last two worlds or so demonstrate consistency between the levels. I guess this was to show off the level variety, but the problem is that the levels feel the same as ever. Why couldn't Naughty Dog come up with original levels instead of recycling the same ones they've already used?

Huh? What's that? They actually made some original portions in Warped? Well, I look like an idiot. *executes the messenger who told me this* That guy was right. As I recall, there were some original portions of the game, and while they're where the game shines, they still need a bit of work. Some of the levels are 1950s races that control poorly, some are airplane shooter stages that control poorly, there are a couple of jet ski things that control poorly.....I think you get the idea: the controls need some work.

...while some of the levels actually feel new and unique.

Other than that, it's the s-no, wait, I forgot one thing: new moves. Every time you beat up a boss, he gives up a special move that would have been EXTREMELY helpful during the fight. They range from a run button to double jumps to....a bazooka? OK, that one's a bit weird, and it only gets weirder the deeper we go. You shoot fruit (preferably exploding), but your ammo is unlimited, even though the game already has something resembling an ammo system lying in plain sight; you can aim it manually, but again, the controls are a bit wonky. Not by much, but it becomes noticeable when aiming at small objects in that one level. That's the final flaw with the fruitzooka: it's not used that much. I can only recall a few instances where I pulled the damn thing out, and most of them were forced. It would have been cool to see it more often, but because you see it so rarely, Warped feels mostly like any previous Crash game.

Wait, why am I complaining about this being like the previous games? It was old school platforming fun at its finest. Sure, it wasn't in true 3D, so what? 2D games can still be good, just look at a lot of the games I review and probably will review. Now why was I com-oh, right. The collecting thing. As always, this Crash Bandicoot expects you to collect things like an obsessive-compulsive playing through the entire Metroidvania genre, and will withold the ending until you collect EVERYTHING. Why do game developers do this? It's a cheap way to lengthen the game, it breaks flow, and it rarely feels natural or part of anything related to the game. I'm glad this game feature died, so I give this game the Rightful Death Award.

Review Synopsis

Some new levels that need some work.
Some new moves that need some work.
Same old Crash Bandicoot....that needs some work.

25 Comments

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Video_Game_King

So is my status going to update soon, or will it pretend that my Twitter account hasn't existed for about a month?

By Video_Game_King November 4, 2009 6 Comments

Bloody Wolf

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Demon Sword

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Castlevania

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Arrow Flash

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Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn

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Astro Boy: Omega Factor

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Croc: Legend of the Gobbos

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Mega Man 5

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Silhouette Mirage

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KiKi KaiKai

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Darkstalkers

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Kid Icarus

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Nintendo Repair Services

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Phantom Brave: We Meet Again

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By Video_Game_King October 2, 2009 9 Comments

Aegis Wing

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Road Rash

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By Video_Game_King September 28, 2009 13 Comments

Assassin's Creed

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Ninja Crusaders

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By Video_Game_King September 26, 2009 25 Comments

Sonic Advance

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Crash Bandicoot: Warped

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