Somehow, this blog is actually relevant.
By Video_Game_King 89 Comments
Metroid: Other M
( How the hell did I beat this in under a week?) I was expecting more than the length of Silent Hill 2 from this game. Granted, I didn't go hunting for every single-power up in the game (mainly because a few of them were one-time deals, and I'm not starting another file just to 100% it), but I wasn't exactly shine-sparking down every hallway in the game. I know that it's been a long time since I've seriously played a Metroid game, but I don't remember Return of Samus being so short that the beginning of the game was also the end.
You're supposed to focus on Samus and her past, yet you fail to explain the latter. Notice how I didn't bother touching "Samus." I have two reasons for that: first, she looks like the type of girl with a weaponized ass (probably because she has one); second, because this game actually does a good job of continuing the humanization of Samus that the series' been about. I can sense confusion among you, and that you're writing me off as a pretentious ass, but remember Metroid 2? You know, where she actually showed some compassion, in some form? Or the manga, which gave her the worst puberty ever (regular girl puberty+parents who don't know shit about your biology+combat training+developing pornographic levels of flexibility=AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!)? Well, same thing happens here, this time by reminding players that Samus has a vagina. I know that I mentioned the Space Marine Taint before, but this is Team Ninja; obviously, they've thought of new, more innovative ways to degrade women, like with their emotions. I've heard allegations that Samus delivers as much emotion as a slice of bread. My response. Of course, this argument becomes void later in the game, when Team Ninja kicked up the sexism so much that Samus suddenly grew high heels (why does she need high heels?), but still, the parts before it were well appreciated.
Which is odd, given that they made the game about as non-linear as the other games. I'm aware the I just called the game linear a few sentences ago, which is why I used the word "about." Yes, the game's really story-driven and linear, but you can still take a break from doing whatever the plot's about in Other M to collect some power-ups or whatever, something the game kinda encourages. Sometimes (all the time), you'll see barriers you can't break yet, or power-ups that are simple-yet-impossible to get. Look around all you want, but unless Adam gave you the latest upgrade, you're not getting it. Oh, wait, that reminds me: you can look around. As in "go to first person and blast some shit at shit to make it into Ultra Double Shit" look around. Just point your Wii-mote at the screen, and it switches to the 1st person, maybe. The idea itself works really well, but the controls destroy it, maybe. I keep saying "maybe" because it's a lot like sex: I don't know if I'm the one screwing up, nor why I'm holding a white plastic thing with buttons on it. I had the TV at an odd angle, the batteries went bad near the end (as Other M courteously told me, unlike OTHER games), but like sex with whomever I was fucking, it kept dropping hints that I wasn't fucking up, like how it only seemed to work in certain areas some of the time, and only about half of the times I needed it. Like one of those stupid "look at this obscure part of the screen to continue" parts, or when something was puking fire onto my face.
Of course, by mentioning blaze-belching monsters, I easily transition into combat, probably the whole reason why Nintendo got Team Ninja to work on this game. Like Ninja Gaiden, a lot of the combat relies on knowing when to dodge, shoot, reload (more on that in a bit), and perform fatalities. Wait, what's that about reloading? Oh, right, the missiles: instead of getting a limited supply of the damn things throughout the game, you can recharge them (and your health, to a very limited extent) whenever you have a few seconds. I know that it sounds like Nintendo trying to make things easier, but it works oddly well, since you'll almost never have enough time to recharge your missiles/energy mid-battle. Of course, this is assuming that you'll even use missiles in battle, which is only required for the weird boss battles. They're not weird in any sort of thematic way, like Earthbound, but weird in how they feel. Every single boss battle relies of repetition, which I know is as much a revelation as me telling you that this game has Metroids in it, but it's not your typical repetition, where you shoot at a death tumor several times and it dies; no, it's the type of repetition where it's working, but you still feel like you're fucking up somehow. Part of the problem seems to be that their health doesn't come up unless you look at them, so you never know if you're doing the right thing until the battle ends abruptly. You know, sort of like how the game ends. It just comes out of nowhere, leaving a bunch of questions lingering in my mind. I noticed some epilogue thing, and I could not hit the start button any faster, probably because there's no start button. Anyway, cut to me about 20 minutes later, and the only question they answered was "Why wasn't Adam wearing a helmet that one time?". Damn it.
Review Synopsis
- You'd think with all those cutscenes, Other M's storyline would answer questions, not create them. That's why it gets the Christianity Award.
- Somewhat linear, but it's still noticeably Metroid.
- Solid combat and freaky boss battles.
This is why you don't kill the monarchy. Can you imagine if people continued doing this? The horror...
The Adventures of Batman and Robin
( This one's a bit weird.) A few days ago (I think; my short term memory was destroyed so as to make room for useless shit), I decided that I'd try this game out in order to fill up as many blank games as possible on my list of beaten games. You see, I played this long ago on recommendation from The Nerd, and I soon found out that playing shit games all the time gives you an immunity to turd smell, meaning he couldn't smell this pile of shit when it was right in front of him. Anyway, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided to give the game another chance, but I ran into one major problem: this isn't even close to the same game. Still, I overcame that problem and still don't like the SNES version. I like this one, though.
But you know what the SNES version didn't have? Decent gameplay! Though you wouldn't notice it at first; it starts off as a kinda generic beat-em-up, only with guns. Walk right, wait for the screen to fill up with baddies, and then teach them that you're fucking Batman, and nobody messes with Batman. Of course, you could always play as Robin, but that changes your strategy a bit: press the reset button, you idiot, as Batman's better. Granted, I never played as Robin, but that's not exactly helping his case, is it? Anyway, there is a bit of variety in how you can beat up dudes, but not much: sometimes, they'll drop an instant death orb (why they didn't use this, I've no idea), or maybe a disc that lets you change weapons. There's a green one, a three shooter, and something else; I only used the green one throughout the game, which doesn't help the weapon system that much. I didn't even have to power it up that much; I wasn't even aware that the things could be powered up. The only reason I mention this is because one of the walkthroughs I saw mentioned weapon levels, so I guess they're in there, maybe?
Careful readers will note that I gave the game an 8.1, yet spent the last two paragraphs talking shit about it. My explanation: get past the first level, and the game starts kicking some serious ass. Specifically, the SNES's ass, by Mode 7ing the hell out of everything. And it doesn't look like that cheap Arrow Flash Mode 7, where they drew it like that; I mean this type of Mode 7. While I'm on the subject of the Mad Hatter, let me say that the first part of that stage reminds me of a Marilyn Manson song for some reason. That's why it got the .1: random, batshit insane variety. You can transition from beating up thugs to a shmup stage, and you'll just go along with it like that's not the craziest thing about the game. You know, like how I'm writing this blog. Difficulty! I've heard that the game's kinda hard, but I only noticed that in the second half of the game, where somebody decided to put the Battletoads bike section into Mode 7. And throw a boss battle into the mess. Up to that point, everything was super-easy, though; enemies would spit up so many hearts after death that I wouldn't have been surprised if the final level was Kingdom Hearts. But once you hit the third level, things get insane. Why does that sound familiar? *thinks a bit* Dynamite Headdy! That's why I love this game: it's Dynamite Headdy, but with Batman. In fact, let me give the game the Dynamite Headdy with Batman Award.
Review Synopsis
- The villains are a bit weird in this one.
- Dear god, there's so much going on in this game, that it's hard to keep up...
- ...or maybe it's just hard in general.
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