The "Why did I spend $20 on virtual junk?" award - The Sims 3
The shrewd rulers of the EA empire realized the Stuff Packs from The Sims 2 were any easy way to make gobs of cash to fill their money bins so they just shifted their evil operations online. The Sims 3 Store lets you buy all sorts of useless crap like clocks, shelves, and hairstyles. And I am guilty of buying points for furniture sets that will sit in my inventory until it's deleted to make room for The Sims 4 in 5 years. And an honorable mention to DSiWare for its robust line of $2 clocks and notepads.
Best use of a useless button - A Boy and His Blob
Hugging has gained some popularity in 2009. The Sims 3 obviously has useful hugs which actually make your Sim feel all gooey inside, but A Boy and His Blob actually makes you feel all gooey. Here's proof that the hug button can easily melt anyone's blackened heart. Now if A Boy and His Blob had a curse button.
Best game that looks like a cartoon from 1989 - A Boy and His Blob
I've said this before, but A Boy and His Blob looks like it belongs in ABC's Saturday morning lineup right after The Mouse and the Motorcycle. Get O.G. Readmore on the phone now!
The Siamese twins separated at birth award - InFamous/Prototype
If InFamous were in the dictionary, it would say, "see: Prototype." If Prototype were in the same dictionary, it would say, "see: InFamous." And then confusion ensues.
Game least likely to offend actual Africans if they had access to a game console - Resident Evil 5
People made a stink about Resident Evil 5 and its black zombie revolution and it will be remembered as yet another lesson in how political correctness can go awry. For fuck's sake it's set in Africa! Zombies do not have Caucasian exclusivity as far as I know. Anyway, I'm sure most Africans could care less about a zombie shooter since they've got more pressing issues... like finding food and clean water.
The "Alright, that's pretty racist." award - Black Baron
When Platinum Games decided to go all newspaper with their graphics in MadWorld, they probably forgot how blacks would be portrayed. And the Black Baron is walking stereotype right down to the unintentional blackface. Al Jolson would be proud of his legacy, but the NAACP is probably not too thrilled with the art style.
Character most likely to eat your brains - Zombie
You were everywhere in 2009, generic zombie creature. I'm having a tough time thinking of a game that didn't have zombies in it... I think even Wii Fit Plus was technically a zombie add-on.
Video game lifetime achievement award - Michael Jackson
From Michael Jackson's Moonwalker to Space Channel 5, Michael Jackson left his mark on the gaming industry in his own strange way.
Best use of polygonal wang - Grand Theft Auto IV: The Lost and Damned
It's one of those moments you didn't want to see, but once you did you couldn't unsee it. So ladies, you might complain about the excessive use of boobs in games, Rockstar did you a favor... maybe.
Most unusual homage to an Italian plumber award - Assassin's Creed II
I think the video says it all.
Best Metroid game of 2009 - Shadow Complex
We all know Shadow Complex is a straight-up ripoff of Super Metroid right down to the world map. I just wonder if Metroid: Other M could take the title in 2010?
The "So Samus Aran now has giant boobs?" award - Metroid: Other M
A world where Team Ninja and Nintendo collaborate on a Metroid game is scary and awesome at the same time. I just wonder if the Team Ninja crew is going to make a few "enhancements" under the radar? Could Zero Suit Samus be more lliteral this time around? We just have to wait and see.
Vin Diesel presents: the Vin Diesel award for best use of Vin Diesel in a Vin Diesel game - Wheelman
Or maybe The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena. I really just chose Wheelman because the title is shorter.
Best use of a crystal skull - 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand
And to think there was actually some competition in this category! I hope in a world where 50 Cent rules the universe, crystal skulls replace the U.S. dollar as the de facto currency of choice.
The Nintendo E3 announcement most likely to anger gamers - Wii Vitality Sensor
Nintendo has a knack for pissing off millions of gamers who don't understand the casual push we've seen lately. And while Nintendo did throw a few bones to gamers who love their get their Zelda and Metroid on, the Vitality Sensor had us all befuddled. Seeing as we're all confused and angered, expect it to be widely popular next year.
More awards tomorrow.
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