CyborgDuo

Depressing, but enlightening, in a way. I feel like I've been freed from my expectations. I think I should now channel my loneliness into my ambition, and become someone I will be proud of. In a sense, I have more hope than ever, even though I'm still so fully, overpoweringly, completely, alone.

@onan: Thank you for your feedback. It really helps.

I think I was trying to make fun of racism, not races, but if it comes off that way, I should definitely fix that. I suppose what really prompted that is the word "blend", and that sort of brings up the image, at least in my mind, of racial tolerance and integration in America today. But if I base that whole concept around one word, then I run the risk of either A. Having people take that joke to the literal level of the color of the ingredients and their real life counterparts (as you, understandably, have), or B. Having people say it makes no fucking sense, which is far more likely. Pretty sloppy all around. I'll cut it (and with it, gut the entire article, perhaps work with a different perspective, using the point of view of a wealthy snob from the Ivy League college town next to ours?

It is a known fact that Gosling is attractive. End of story.

With regards to the April Fool's point, I definitely see your point. I just have a problem with doing that because there's a lot of other writers doing that exact thing, and I wanted something different, tonally, to just a fake article. Which makes my job that much harder. I do think the rest of my writing turned out a little better than this, and this suffered because it's very rigid format made the jokes formulaic and expected.

I just used Dave Barry's format because it works very well with the subject of that other article (about the "impending" apocalypse). I'm not really using his humor, although he is one of the only people I find truly funny. I don't laugh at a lot of jokes, although I understand that they are, inherently, funny. Actually, I don't laugh a whole bunch, period. Which proves I am the WRONG man for this job.

I usually write serious things. I like to think I'm good at doing that. The skills used there don't necessarily transfer to here. I'm having the WORST time with all of this. A lot of the other writers are extremely busy, so I got stuck with a lot of the work. Which presents a problem for someone who values the quality of their work a whole lot. Perhaps the stress imposed on me is not doing me any favors in the writing department.

I think I need a day off.

Do the Fallout radios count? If so, then those. They serve a dual purpose: adding to the grim tone by adding some cheerful dissonance and also to keep my eyes from glazing over while exploring the Wastelands. Seriously, those games can be boring sometimes.

I don't know about you, but those hanar really get me going.

@Example1013: @DrBendo: Thank you guys. That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Back to the drawing board!

EDIT: The format of this "article" might also not do it any favors, due to the rather rigid step-by-step process. Perhaps I will tweak the presentation and go with your idea of an extremely snobby dish, as that gives me an opportunity to make fun of the next town over, who flaunts their wealth and are always very antagonistic to my working-class town.

I wonder if my other articles suffer from "puncline-itis." With some I kind of doubt it, as they are built in with in-jokes from the school (the easiest humor around). One is a riff on the classic Dave Barry article at the end of each year, but for the upcoming apocalypse. Dave Barry is the KING of non-sequiters. His stuff usually has a punchline a minute as well, but they usually work. I wonder if I need to tweak that.

Dave Shumka and Graham Clark.

Here, I decided to post one of the shorter "articles". Keep in mind the audience of high school students, which, in my opinion, is hard to write for because only a fraction of the populace will get any one joke. Feel free to pick it apart, as that actually is very constructive for me!

Fantastic Crème Brulee Recipe!

Sometimes you want to live it up a little. Well, do I have a recipe for you! This simple sugary dish is quite easy to make and just oozes class. The following is how I usually make my favorite dessert:

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups whipping cream

1 vanilla bean, split lengthwise

9 large egg yolks

1/2 cup plus 6 teaspoons sugar

2 cups mixed berries (such as raspberries, blueberries, and sliced strawberries)

2 tablespoons (packed) golden brown sugar

1 tablespoon raspberry liqueur (optional)(JK)

1. Preheat oven to 325.

2. Place cream in heavy saucepan prior to realizing that you have bought the wrong cream.

3. Swear a little bit. I find that any swears will do the trick. I assume Martha Stewart once said, “****, I’m going to jail!” and she’s a pretty good cook.

4. Spray in some whipped cream from a can, then pour the entire thing out and only use whipped cream. Then spray in mouth and on face to become Santa.

5. Attempt to split vanilla bean to separate the seeds. NOTE: Several experiments have been carried out in Switzerland to test to see if splitting a vanilla bean in half is a theoretically possible or not. THE CONCLUSION: Band-Aids cost way too much in Switzerland.

6. Pour in the remnants of the vanilla beans, with some blood for zip.

7. Bring to simmer over high heat. We’re talking Gosling hot, people.

7. Crack eggs into a bowl to separate into yolks. Don’t even try to pick out all the eggshells you inevitably dropped. They add texture.

8. Whisk yolks and some sugar (to taste) into a medium sized bowl to blend. I assume that means the sugar has to get over most of its prejudices over ingredients of different colors. This could take upwards of hundreds of years. I suggest an egg timer for exact timing!

9. Once the mixture has gotten to what we culinary experts call the MLK dream state, set the bowl OVER a saucepan of boiling water. NOTE: Do not let the mixture touch the water. If it does, repeat steps 1-9 while weeping.

10. Whisk vigorously until the mixture is pale yellow and hot to touch. If you have to ask how hot it needs to be, it isn’t hot enough.

11. Add the whipped cream mixture gradually, because we all saw what happened to the sugar the last time.

12. Divide this mixture into six soufflé dishes. If you don’t have six soufflé dishes, put down your bowls, wipe the blood and whipped cream off your face, and GET A LIFE you loser.

13. Put the dishes into a deep baking pan and fill the pan halfway up with water, making, essentially, a hot tub, minus the time machine. Completely forget about the berries, because fruit is for suckers.

14. Bake custards for however long your therapy takes. Cooking can be stressful, you know.

15. Take the mixture out of the oven. What you need to do next is add the singular element that makes this dish unique: the burned sugar on top. Now, the more safety minded usually caramelize their sugar in a broiler, but I usually want to blow off some steam after a breakthrough therapy session, so this is when my blowtorch comes in handy. You can usually buy a blowtorch on the black market and at most Williams-Sonoma's.

16. Aim very carefully at the custards and fire. Many amateurs get this wrong on the first try. Don’t worry, after the paramedics have long been and gone and several Dr. Phil appearances later, you’ll get the hang of it!

17. But seriously, most of the time, the cat you just bought after the last attempt will turn into a very small, very angry replica of the Sun.

18. Throw the cat into your neighbor’s yard. The litigations following will be much smoother if you do.

19. If you still have a craving for a sugary snack, get out some of the Peeps you were saving and stick them in the microwave. That Easter party was a terrible idea anyway.

20. Set the microwave for 30 minutes.

21. Watch as the peeps rise from their humble beginnings. There’s an Easter parable in there somewhere, but you’ll be too distracted by the blare of the fire engines and the cries of your cat to find it.

22. Serve lukewarm.

@jakob187: My school newspaper. And while it might be HILARIOUS, I think it will probably help me more as a writer if I'm sober.

I love to write. I feel like it liberates me from the constraints of my real life. I often feel like I make a better impression on people if they know me or meet me through my writing, as, when I talk, I often mangle words or speak too fast for people to really get me. So, naturally, I have begun to write for my school newspaper.

So far, I have been loving my time at the LHS Times. It helps to introduce myself to a large audience who normally wouldn't give me the time of day. It gives me a place to voice my opinions in a hospitable and supportive place. It is my haven in high school. However, we do an April Fool's article every year, and I have been doing a majority of the articles.

I do not write comedic works very often. It is my one field where I am totally insecure, mostly because of my lack of experience. What also worries me is my sense of humor, which is a bit more dry than most people's. Therefore, I sometimes have to tweak my subject material to appeal to a wider audience while not sacrificing the values that I want in my writing.

So my question is, do you have a hard time writing (or talking, for that matter) about certain subjects? Do you feel insecure about any style of writing? I could really use some support so I can figure out how I can adjust to the demands imposed on me.

O Fortuna: (an old Latin poem, translated.)

O Fortune,

variable

as the moon,

always dost thou

wax and wane.

Detestable life,

first dost thou mistreat us,

and then, whimsically,

thou heedest our desires.

As the sun melts the ice,

so dost thou dissolve

both poverty and power.

Monstrous

and empty fate,

thou, turning wheel,

art mean,

voiding

good health at thy will.

Veiled

in obscurity,

thou dost attack

me also.

To thy cruel pleasure

I bare my back.

Thou dost withdraw

my health and virtue;

thou dost threaten

my emotion

and weakness

with torture.

At this hour,

therefore, let us

pluck the strings without

delay.

Let us mourn together,

for fate crushes the brave.