2017 has come and gone...

...another year chock full of heavy metal, rock n' roll, and mosh pit-induced concussions. So let's celebrate and lament a ton of it by going through my favorite records and biggest disappointments of the year! Hail Satan and such. This year was a weird one for me. Many of my most anticipated releases turned out to be duds, or at least disappointing enough to make way for fresher options that I otherwise might not have considered. It sucks that so many things I was looking forward to weren't to my liking, but it allowed me to check out a lot of other things out there, with my premium Spotify account making it super easy to listen to way more than I would've been able to normally. I'm always striving to expand my horizons, listen to new bands and new genres. I hate the idea pigeonholing myself into being the stereotypical metal guy that only listens to thrash, or death, or what have you. That shit is whack. Variety truly is the spice of life, and also, the spice of music. With that in mind, here are my...

Top 10-ish Albums of the Year

10. Seether - Poison the Parish

It seemed like Seether was never going to have their "going back to their roots" moment after releasing a string of albums that, while not bad by any means, kept pushing the band further and further down the commercial rabbit hole. Thankfully, "Poison the Parish" IS that moment. Easily their most aggressive and angry record they've put out since "Karma and Effect," this record sees the band really cut the shit and get down to business. It's not a challenging listen, but it is a satisfying one, full of chunky riffs and memorable grungy hooks. Shaun Morgan no longer tries to stifle his obvious Kurt Cobain influence, and the record is all the better for it. "Stoke the Fire" kicks the door down as the opening track, with "Count Me Out," "Emotionless," and "Something Else" being some of the other highlights.

9. The Black Dahlia Murder - Nightbringers

I'm relatively new to this band. I couldn't really call myself a death metal fan back when they first hit the scene, so I bounced right off of their first couple of releases. Wanting to know what all the fuss was still about after over a decade of ignorance, I decided to check out "Nightbringers" and ... holy SHIT. This album is nasty, an unstoppable blungeoning force of scalding riffs and blast beats galore, rounded out by ferocious vocals seething with spite. But they are used to such good effect, in honest-to-goodness good songwriting that doesn't feel like a complete rehash of the hundreds of also-rans in the scene. "Widowmaker" is the song that DevilDriver would've written if they had adopted a more deathly sound. Admittedly, I don't think the album tops that opening number, but it is at least a high bar to set. The title track and a couple others come mighty close, though.

8. Big Wreck - Grace Street

The Canadian quartet's 5th album, and third since their brilliant comeback "Albatross," continues to solidify the band as one of modern rock's unsung heroes. While I don't think it's as good as "Albatross" or 2014's "Ghosts", "Grace Street" has a lot to offer, with dynamic riffs and melodies at every turn, all beautifully accentuated by Ian Thornley's loose-handed playing and harmonic vocals. Opener "It Comes as No Surprise," along with the jaunty "One Good Piece of Me" and guitar-driven "The Arborist" sit comfortably as a few of the stronger moments. "Skybunk Marche," a 7-minute instrumental, really took me for a ride and will surely appeal to guitar lovers. However, it is with "Useless" that the album makes its strongest stand. I'll elaborate on this a little later.

7.5 Fit for an Autopsy - The Great Collapse

Just gonna sneak this one in here... Fit for an Autopsy is one of the best new death metal bands on the scene with a sound that I think is aptly described as "Gojira meets Kataklysm." "The Great Collapse" is a disgustingly heavy record brimming with groove-laden low-tuned riffs and vocals that inspire one to smash faces with hammers. FUCK ME, it's so good for the first 6 songs. The album unfortunately fizzles out a bit with the last 3, but album comes out strong overall. Can't wait to catch these guys live.

7. The Interbeing - Among the Amorphous

Danish The Interbeing are relatively new, with "Among the Amorphous" being only their second record, but it's a record that hopefully establishes the act as one to look out for in the years ahead. Industrial metal is a peculiar genre as it has a greater level of flexibility than other subgenres. The Interbeing picks up right where fellow Danish metallers Mnemic left off, adding layers of synth and electronics to thick, rubbery riffs and huge soaring choruses with somewhat cynical melodies. It's been done before, but the territory isn't worn out to where this would fail to impress. The writing is razor sharp; "Spiral Into Existence" and "Sum of Singularity" are some of the best the genre have to offer these days. Really, the entire record is obscenely catchy and will serve as a perfect soundtrack to the dystopian future we are hurling toward.

6. Threat Signal - Disconnect

It's been a whopping 7 years since Threat Signal's self-titled record. I was starting to doubt they would ever release anything new, but Disconnect is finally here and it does not disappoint. Really, it sounds like more Threat Signal; it's bouncy djent riffs, lots of double bass, and Jon Howard's alternating barking screams and Chester Bennington-esque crooning, in a mix of death, thrash, industrial, and metalcore. There are a lot of nice choruses and some seriously scalding guitar solos and much of it falls into a familiar formula. I'm perfectly fine with all of that. It's comforting to me. I recently came to find out that it's cool to hate this band in some circles. Why? I haven't the slightest fucking clue. This shit is heavy, catchy as hell, and extremely technically proficient.

That said, there are moments where it strays from the formula and shows a more progressive side to the band. The furious "Aura" half way through the album is easily one of the band's best and most dynamic songs. The 10 minute closing opus "Terminal Madness" is equally as impressive, reaching dizzying heights before it crescendos in a flurry of melodic solos and vocal melodies. It's all beautiful, man. "Exit the Matrix" and 'Falling Apart" are also fantastic.

5. Byzantine - The Cicada Tree

It should honestly be a fucking crime for a band of this caliber to be this underrated. Like, Jesus H. Christ, this band is so damn good. Why aren't they the biggest thing going? Once upon a time, you probably could've described Byzantine as "a more proggy Lamb of God." They've moved forward since then, but The Cicada Tree is still unmistakably Byzantine. It features many slower and even more prog moments than in the past, but the album still has balls to go around with Chris 'OJ' Ojeda's trademark muscular riffs and uniquely varied vocals combined into structurally refreshing songs.

The title track is curiously mellow and really lets Ojeda's singing voice shine. "Verses of Violence" is as epic as they come, building up with acoustic guitars to groovy death riffs and a dreamy chorus over the course of 9 minutes. "Trapjaw" is signature Byzantine at its finest, throwing a flurry of oddly timed riffs at you that inspire some serious headbanging. If you don't know Byzantine by now, I implore you to give 'em a spin. NO ONE FUCKS WITH THE BYZ.

4. Sikth - The Future in Whose Eyes?

What's that? Sikth are back? THE Sikth? If you haven't heard of Sikth before, you've likely heard the seemingly endless dime-a-dozen djent acts that have been dominating the metal scene for awhile now. Sikth released an EP a couple years ago, "Opacities," that let the world know "hey, we're still here and we're gonna show everyone up." And that's exactly what they did. But "The Future in Whose Eyes?" is their first full LP since 2006's genius "Death of a Dead Day." And damn does it slam.

Sikth have always been as weird as they are heavy. Their schizophrenic dual-vocalist approach is a wall that many people have understandly not been able to climb, even if the dizzying guitar work and insane technical flourishes were to their liking. Vocalist Justin Hill has been replaced with newcomer Joe Rosser, and while I think the band is ultimately worse off for it, Rosser still holds his own, while Mikee Goodman brings as manic a performance as ever. The band is definitely not for everybody, and I'm fine with that. "The Future..." is a decidedly even weirder album than their previous work, one that reveals a new layer with each listen. Rare these days to get an album so rewarding with its replayability.

Anyway, I can't express all my thoughts on the album without writing a full review. The guitars are psychotic and on point, especially in the mind-bending "Riddles of Humanity." "The Aura" has a ethereal melodic quality at times that we don't often see from the band. "Weavers of Woe," "Cracks of Light," and "Ride the Illusion" are all incredibly strong tracks. I actually wish this album could've been a little more, but what's here is worthy of singing praise.

3. Stone Sour - Hydrograd

'Hydrograd" has maybe been my most played album all year. I don't think it 100% hits the mark, as there are a fair few filler tracks, but majority of it is just slathered in huge hooks around fun riffs. There's certainly a lot of variety to be had, which I believe is the record's strong suit. It's a little all over the place, particularly with the country ballad "St. Marie," which I'm not too fond of. The album just kind of effortlessly drifts between sounds and writing styles, keeping it fresh even when it's not super exciting. The first real song, "Taipei Person/Allah Tea" kind of sounds like modern Anthrax, but then "Knievel Has Landed" and "Hydrograd" are great mid-tempo rockers with some real ear-worm melodies.

The album knows when to get heavy, too, with "Whiplash Pants" being balls-to-the-wall pissed and the closest thing to Slipknot material on the record. "Fabuless" is also quite badass for being one of the lead singles. "Song #3" is generic radio rock fodder and does nothing for me really, so it makes sense that that song was fucking HUGE. The record closes with "When the Fever Broke," a haunting and depressing ballad that fits in neatly with "Bother" or "Through Glass," though less poppy.

The absence of guitarist Jim Root, for many, posed a potential problem. I think his absence is certainly felt, but I would not call it a problem. The songwriting isn't always consistent, but when it shines, it shines very bright. "Hydrograd" is enthusiastic in its catchiness and clever lyrics. So yeah, I think this is a great record. BUT WHAT DOES COREY TAYLOR THINK?

...I'll see myself out.

2. Trivium - The Sin and the Sentence

It wasn't until I saw Trivium live last year until I realized how spectacular they are. Before then, they were on my radar but never anyone I gravitated towards. Maybe I just didn't give them enough of a chance. Now I can't get enough. "The Sin and the Sentence" is the album that encapsulates their entire career up to this point. It mixes the adventurous prog nature of "Shogun" with the accessibility of "Vengeance Falls" and "In Waves," with hints of everything in between. The result is arguably their strongest record since "Shogun." The title track opens is a remarkably strong opener, trading in melodic verses and a heavy pre-chorus that has the most screaming Matt Heafy has done in years.

Much of the record is the same way, combining the various styles that band has incorporated over the years into single songs. But then you have stuff like "The Wretchedness Inside," one of the heaviest songs of the band's career. Closer "Thrown Into the Fire" has an almost Gothic black metal feel at times. And if "Beauty in the Sorrow" isn't made a single, then what the hell is their label even doing? "The Sin and the Sentence," front to back, is a total banger of a record and a sound I hope the band strives to continue to achieve.

1. Body Count - Bloodlust

It's all come to this. The fact that Body Count has become a legitimate contender in the metal scene over the last few years with their last couple records is both astounding and frankly, over due. The ingredients were always there, the talent was there, but the music was hit and miss and relegated to being a trashy gimmick with no real value. The release of 2013's "Manslaughter" put those notions to rest. Where "Manslaughter" was a riotus satire on crime, violence, social media, the music industry and more, the follow up in "Bloodlust" takes its time to relay serious messages about the state of the country and controversies within, and it's done in the only way Ice-T and gang know how: unpologetically vulgar and in-your-face. Fuck, "All Love is Lost," a vitriloic ode to backstabbing, traitorus scumbag friends may be my anthem for 2017.

It's not poetic, but rather simple and to-the-point. Not only that, the production is as slick as ever. Guitars and drums are crisp and pack serious punch. The furious hardcore/crossover/thrash riffs power this beast of a record from front to back, and the songwriting is seriously catchy and fun, even with the heavy subject matter. Getting guests like Dave Mustaine, Randy Blythe, and Max Cavalera elevates it being a celebration of metal as a whole.

"The Ski Mask Way" trades in the hilarious and over-the-top themes of the "Manslaughter" record (and has one sick breakdown), but tracks like "Civil War," "Black Hoodie," and "No Lives Matter" take a surprsingly level-headed view on senstive social issues, much in the same way that the often misinterpreted "Cop Killer" did so many years ago. For as silly, vulgar, and aggressive as Body Count can get, there is so much honest emotion and passion running througout "Bloodlust" that its infectious. It is, undisputedly, my favorite record of 2017. It's so heartwarming to see that Ice-T is still a hard motherfucker at his age, I just hope BC can keep this train rolling.

Best Song

Big Wreck - "Useless"

It's hard to describe how this song makes me feel. The first time I listened to it, I actually had to stop what I was doing and just sit and listen. It's a relatively simple song compared to every other tune on "Grace Street," but it's the weight the song carries that makes it special. "Useless" is somber, melancholy, honest, depressing, haunting, introspective, and probably a ton of other adjectives. Every time I listen to it, it rips into my soul and lets every pain I've ever felt spill out of me. The goosebumps are real. I can't recall a single song that has ever had such a lasting and repeating effect on me with every last listen. It's not always the easiest song to listen to, either, but it's something cathartic even on the worst of days. Ian Thornely's emotional delivery is really what drives "Useless," especially as his voice rings out that high note in the final chorus, like watching the love of your life leave you for the last time. Christ... what a tune. I think I need to go lie down.

I Am Disappoint

So, I guess they can't all be winners. In this case, it was some of the albums I looked forward to most that didn't quite hit the mark. They aren't necessarily bad, just not quite to par with their bands' respective pedigrees.

36 Crazyfists - Lanterns

I have bittersweet feelings on this one. "Lanterns" let me down because their 2015 comeback record, "Time and Trauma," was so fucking good, arguably their best work. "Lanterns" continues the bleak, atmospheric, and more metallic approach their last few albums have had, but with muddier guitar tones and some less memorable riffs and hooks than they usually have. That said, this is also likely my 11th (or 12th) favorite album of the year because I've given it a fair few spins and it's grown on me. "Death Eater" is a huge song with a darkly cinematic tone, "Sea and Smoke" builds and builds to one of the catchiest choruses they've done that would've been even bigger with better production. "Sleepsick" is one of the band's most badass tunes as the groovy intro gives way to driving double bass. And the second half of "Below the Graves" is so fucking angry it will peel the flesh from your bones. There's a lot of good stuff here, but there are also enough recycled ideas and uninspired parts to make it not a consistent enough record.

Nothing More - The Stories We Tell Ourselves

I must be losing my damn mind because people are going apeshit over this record and for me, it's probably my biggest let down of 2017. I fucking adored their self-titled record from a few years ago and this... I dunno what this is. Not that it's terrible or anything, but it is over-produced to a disgustingly off-putting degree. Their trademark electronic elements, instead of being seamlessly integrated into the band performance like usual, almost take front and center. the bass and drums sound sublime, but the guitar tone is like at half distortion the entire time, becoming buried in the mix. They may as well be non-existent half the time. There aren't really any memorable riffs, and although mostly very catchy, the songs are a lot more poppy this time around. For all intents and purposes, this is a pop record with heavy production. So much of the human element has been removed that I just can't get down with it. The two songs that Sevendust's Clint Lowery helped write, "Funny Little Creatures" and "Tunnels," are easily the best and most straightforward rock songs on the record. Beyond that, I casually like the album but I don't understand how so many of fallen head-over-heels for it.

Demon Hunter - Outlive

Demon Hunter has been a hot streak for a number of years with a long string of really solid albums. "Outlive" is good, but it's a record that shows a band maybe slowing down a bit now for whatever reason. On top of being a softer and more melodic effort, I just don't think the writing is strong enough to carry it. This band usually delivers on catchy hook front, and the album is not without them, but it simply isn't up to par. "Patience" is one of the band's best songs, though, and a fine display of the classic DH sound.

Red - Gone

The first three tracks of "Gone" made me go "Holy shit...this might be their best record." Then the next three songs played and proved to be the absolute worst material the band has done to date. Then the last four songs are pretty good but merely textbook Red. Then it's over. The title track is so bafflingly terrible and out-of-character for the band that you have to wonder who exactly this was for. Who's coming to this band for bland, auto-tuned electronic pop? That's not even mentioning the atrocious cover of Sia's "Unstoppable" that comes after. After "Of Beauty and Rage" was a huge, sprawling and beautiful record, "Gone" is the direct-to-DVD afterthought that the fanbase did not ask for.

The Haunted - Strength in Numbers

The Haunted have put out some of my favorite records of all time. They're the band that has given me my online moniker that I've been using for a number of years now. They were Swedish thrash titans a decade ago, so it's a sad day when they put out a record and I am no longer excited. "Exit Wounds" wasn't perfect, but it got the point across efficiently and marked a stampeding return of vocalist Marco Aro. "Strength in Numbers" is their attempt to write a more complex and dynamic record but forgetting to make it memorable. I was surprised to see so many give this album praise and compare it to "One Kill Wonder." It might take a few more spins to get into it, but the album gives a seriously lackluster first impression.

Queens of the Stone Age - Villains

I admittedly have not given this album much of a chance. Upon first listen, no songs really stuck out to me, and the piss-poor guitar tone really kills it. I will go back to it soon but after the genius "...Like Clockwork" I found this to be a bummer.

Runners Up!

Black Map - In Droves

Cavalera Conspiracy - Psychosis

Nightflight Orchestra - Amber Galactic

Sepultura - Machine Messiah

Kublai Khan - Nomad

2017 Metal Year - diagnosis: SOLID.

Video game movies are a hell of a thing, and admittedly, being the "best" among them isn't exactly a tall order. Films based on actual game franchises have a traditionally disastrous track record. At best, they stick somewhat close to the source material and can be fun without being great; Silent Hill is usually the first to come to mind for me. At worst, they completely misinterpret the spirit and tone of the source material, or perhaps shouldn't have been translated to screen in the first place. You know, like any Uwe Boll game film or whatever the fuck the Need for Speed movie was supposed to be. In pretty much all cases, though, game films take themselves seriously as films and lack any surface evidence that they come from a totally different kind of medium.

Then you have movies ABOUT video games but aren't actually based on any existing game franchise. While they also can vary in quality from "great" to "total shitshow", what they tend to share in common is a fundamental misunderstanding of how video games actually work and how they are played. And every once in awhile a movie like Gamer comes around which, while not really a "good" movie, gets that aspect close to right.

Hardcore Henry is neither of these types of film. It's not based on a pre-existing franchise, and as much as it looks like a game because of the first-person view, there are no explicit references to games anywhere to be found. At the same time, what doesn't even come across in the trailers is that this movie is the most literal interpretation of "video game movie" ever produced. And you know what? I'd go so far as to say that the results are insanely successful, far more than I could've anticipated.

The marketing for Hardcore Henry is clearly geared at the current generation of gamers who grew up with Call of Duty and the like, but the tone of the movie extends further back in the genre than that. It's got a good sense of humor and self-awareness with a healthy amount of very effective gags. Between that and the glorification of gratuitous blood 'n guts and nudity for the sake of nothing other than a good time, it felt more like an homage to the days of shooters like Duke Nukem, where seriousness wasn't anywhere on the agenda. Also like old shooters, Hardcore Henry's sci-fi plot is purposefully paper thin, just enough to set you up for a string of ludicrous action scenes with very brief respites to catch your breath in between. A maniacal telekinetic mercenary leader named Akan serves as an endearingly cheesy villain. There's a solid twist at the end, and the "story" wraps up even more hilariously abruptly than it begins.

More notably game-like is the structure of the film. The trailers gave a good indication that there would be a lot of action, and there certainly is a lot of it, but what they don't show is just how much of a game the film is formulated after. The pace of the film is absurdly fast, constantly switching to new locations immediately after the purpose of the last one has been exhausted. There's your "levels" right there. The scenes then run the gamut of just about every shooter mission design imaginable. There's stealth sections - both armed and unarmed, a turret/vehicle sequence, a sniper sequence, an escort mission, defend mission, and even multiple boss fights. Throughout these sequences, Henry is frequently acquiring new weapons, upgrades, and power-ups (such as an adrenaline boost). Our hero begins unarmed and earns his way to knives, pistols, grenades, shotguns, SMGs, assault rifles, sniper rifles, grenade launchers, and remote mines. It is precisely as ridiculous as it sounds, but it works so well thanks to never tipping its hand that this is what it's truly going for. If you're not familiar with how games are structured, it's an element that might be lost on you.

None of this would be worth gushing over if the movie wasn't any good. It is good, though. It's VERY good. I'd go so far as to say it's one of the most fun movies I've ever seen. That's what Hardcore Henry is really about: FUN, and it doesn't pretend to be anything else. In spirit, it's very reminiscent of the Crank films. Though it forgoes classic filming techniques and cinematography entirely, it's a very technically impressive movie with a constant stream of inventive action set-pieces and insane stunts. A bit of really bad CG briefly stands out among what are almost exclusively practical effects. What the filmmakers accomplished with this production's paltry budget is staggering. I am in awe. The first-person viewpoint is a bit disorienting for the first 10 -15 minutes, but it's easy to get over, and the action scenes are crisp and clear in even the most overwhelmingly frenetic of moments.

As one might have guessed, it is excessively violent, joining the likes of Rambo 4 and Punisher: War Zone in the pantheon of "the most violent action movies ever made". It contains some of the more...inventive kills I've seen in some time, as well. Then there's a strip club scene about half way through that features more nudity than your typical action movie strip club scene. I'm honestly surprised that this somehow avoided the dreaded NC-17 rating.The whole package is pure exploitative fantasy that had me grinning, laughing, wincing, and cheering for the entire duration. And I can't get away without mentioning Sharlto Copley's character Jimmy, from whom much of the movie's humor stems. Without giving away why, he gets a very generous amount of screen time and is arguably the best part(s) of the whole movie.

Hardcore Henry is obviously not for everyone for a variety of reasons. Considering the demographic, I couldn't believe how many of the shithead teenagers at my showing didn't enjoy it. Whatever, their loss! The first person thing is a gimmick for sure, but it's a greatly effective one, amounting to more than just a variation of the "found footage" genre. The action, many of the visual gags, and the very nature of the gamey progression would fall flat without it. It is without a doubt the best video game movie ever made, unlikely to be topped any time soon. Even though there are boundless possibilities for sequels, I'm perfectly okay with that, too. Aside from the fact that the movie made only $5 million this weekend, meaning there probably won't be a sequel or many copycats in the future than could stand up to this, the formula of Hardcore Henry works best as a one-and-done - a unique and successful experiment that defiantly proves that what should not have worked as a movie, does. It is the very definition of "destined to be a cult-classic". Okay...maybe this proves that a first-person Half-Life movie is definitely feasible. I still want that.

Phew...another year in the can. And what a year it was! Gaming kicked ass in 2015, you guys. We finally saw the new consoles come into their own. Big AAA games were bigger and AAA-er than ever before, and indie games took their rightfully prominent place right alongside them. I don't do much PC gaming, and the only current console I have is a PS4, so my experience is fairly limited, but the fact that I still had a hard time choosing what would be on my Top 10 says a ton about the quality of this year in gaming. It's also the great thing about being on Giant Bomb and following the game industry at large, that I can experience all of what I don't get to play vicariously through others. I can at least appreciate everything that slips by me. I will probably never play MGSV, Super Mario Maker, Undertale, or Splatoon, but that doesn't mean that I don't dig what they're doing and love that they even exist.

What DIDN'T slip by me, however, are these ten totally rad games I had the pleasure of playing this year. Nailing the order, right down to number one, wasn't easy for me. They all brought something compelling to the table, either with new and novel mechanics, superb storytelling, or just a perfection of existing formulas. So let's quit wasting time and get to the meat. My top 10 games for the year 2015!

10. Rocket League

This game came out of absolutely nowhere. Hell, the only reason I, and likely thousands of other people, tried it is because it was free on PS Plus the month of its release. It turned out to be one of the biggest surprises of the year, in more ways than one for me. I don't care for sports in general, and most definitely not sports video games, but the concept of soccer played by little rocket-powered RC cars is a concept so unique that it's hard to not at least give it a try. It didn't really grab me at first but I was determined to keep at it and see what all the fuss was about. After a couple of days, I really got the hang of it and was actually managing to score goals and land some pretty tricky shots. It was mildly frustrating, but never not fun. Granted, I only stuck with the game for a couple of weeks, which I regret. But damn if that wasn't an exhilarating couple of weeks filled with screams, cheers, and hearty laughs.

9. Galak-Z: The Dimensional

Galak-Z is one of several indie darlings this year that spent a good amount of time in the boiler. The gameplay, primarily the movement of the ship and utilizing it effectively in combat, is one of the most challenging and rewarding things I've done in a game all year. It takes a good while to get the hang of, but once it does click, you realize the amount of control at your disposal and are able to start kicking ass across the levels. I never managed to finish Season 4, because I honestly think the rogue-like elements are both unnecessary and poorly implemented. It's just too long of a process to get all the way to the fourth season again. Luckily the fantastic gameplay, as well as its 80s anime animations and graphics, more than redeems it.

8. Wolfenstein: The Old Blood

What's that? 2014's real best game of the year got a new downloadable stand-alone expansion, with more of the brutal, double-fisted, gore-filled mayhem of the original? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP. Some people might say I was unreasonably excited for this more bite-sized addition to the The New Order, but those people can eat a dick. It gave me more of what I loved and even managed to mix it up in unexpected ways. For $20, it serves up a varied and action-packed 5 to 6 hour campaign, with a bunch of score-based challenge maps thrown in as a bonus.

The quality that the campaign carries over from its full-priced predecessor is impressive, with all-new environments to explore and few really cool action set-pieces. This game is, for all intents and purposes, a remake of the first act of id's masterpiece Return to Castle Wolfenstein. I knew where the story would end up, but the events unfold in a really fun way. It's really the best BJ you can get for 20 bones.

7. SOMA

I've yet to finish this moody and bizarre high-concept first-person sci-fi/horror hybrid. But damn do I want to! The story starts out strong, digging its hooks into you from the outset with it alluring set up, and only gets weirder and more intriguing from there. It's less horror-focused than I first assumed, given the developer's pedigree with the terrifying and bone-chilling Amnesia: The Dark Descent, but it's got a few effective moments here and there. Instead, the game focuses on exploring the themes of what it really means to be human, but does so without ever getting too pretentious or delving too deep into a bunch of existential mumbo-jumbo. There's still definitely a game here to play, with a mix between exploring, puzzle solving, and hiding from monsters, and even though the monster segments so far have been the weakest points, I've always been compelled to press forward and reveal the next big revelation. SOMA is something I will have to finish in 2016, but I'm eagerly anticipating jumping back in.

6. Bloodborne

I also have yet to finish this one (similar to the other Souls games), and while I wasn't grabbed by it as much as Dark Souls 1 or even 2, Bloodborne is an undeniably great game. Fast and challenging combat help compliment a gorgeous and macabre environment inspired by old Victorian London, filled with some of the nastiest beasties you're likely to encounter any time soon. If nothing else, Bloodborne has the most incredible art direction of anything else this year. Every inch of the world is brimming with detail and personality. The monster designs...holy shit. Calling some of those bosses unnerving would be the understatement of the year. They're the stuff of nightmares. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm looking at, and I often don't want to have to fight it, but I'm left with little choice.

I will probably finish Bloodborne eventually. Probably. And probably with another person, because I hate getting caught up for too long without making progress. I will also probably buy Dark Souls 3 next year and not finish that, either. Such is life.

5. Until Dawn

Who knew that what is basically a David Cage game wrapped in a teen slasher packaging would end up being one of the best games of the year? Not myself, that's for sure. The concept wasn't even something I was inherently interested in. The talk around how shockingly great the game was piqued my curiosity, and I ended up buying it from a friend for $20.

Yeah, I guess it's another one of those games where you could say that it's barely a game, but that doesn't discount the delight it gave me and my father as he watched me play through it. Until Dawn doesn't just trade in schlocky B-horror, but also subverts expectations by playing on the typical tropes of the genre. Character archetypes that you would expect to hate end up being the ones you root for in what is essentially a 7-8 hour interactive movie.

Critical choices that can have devastating consequences are sprinkled generously throughout, and the implications of making them are rarely obvious. In fact, I found the story to be legitimately gripping and suspenseful with some great, unforeseen twists. I certainly didn't expect it to end up where it did. The multitude of different ways things can play out has made me want to go back ever since I first finished it...especially since I only had three people left alive when all was said and done. It also looks great and has stellar performances by an excellent cast, including the always charming and always creepy Peter Stormare. Let's hope that the fine developers at Supermassive Games get to do more with this promising new IP.

4. Nuclear Throne

I remember being a small child and having my great grandfather regale me with tales of his expeditions into the Early Access version of Nuclear Throne. I listened in wide-eyed wonderment, excited for the day that I, too, would be able to reach the fabled throne. Fast forward, decades later, and somehow, some way, the game is officially "out". Or is it? Yeah, it is. I even dabbled in the Early Access version myself a couple years ago, and despite never making it very far, had a blast with it. Though I had it on Steam already after forking over $20 to play a very unfinished version of it some time in 2013, I bought the PS4 version on release day just to have a more comfortable place to play, and proceeded to sink my teeth in.

Anyone who's played this game knows: Nuclear Throne is HARD. It really does not fuck around. It took me a good 17 hours or so until I was able to finish it. In fact, it would have been lower on my list if I hadn't finished it because I didn't actually believe it was possible to. Eventually I did kill that damn throne, with Steroids, and looped to level 1-3. And it was glorious. Unfortunately there's not a ton of variety in it with very few reasons to see it through again, but the core gameplay is so, SO satisfying, with the wanton use of over-the-top screen shake and bevy of secrets to unlock that it's worth coming back to. I'm just happy I got to see it released in my lifetime.

3. Dying Light

I'm still a sucker for zombies. Always have been, long before they became the "the big thing", and I always will be. I didn't love Dead Island, but it provided some fleeting gory entertainment for a couple dozen hours, at least until the infuriatingly bad final act. All of the promises Techland was making about the spiritual follow up in Dying Light were lofty and ambitious. It looked gorgeous and impressive in pre-release footage, but we all know how deceiving that can be. I was rooting for this game to be amazing but secretly did not have the greatest of expectations going in.

Then I played it for myself and discovered that not only did the game live up to all of its promises, it pushed to do even more. It's an incredible looking game, even on consoles. The fictional island of Harran is richly detailed, bleak, and perfectly ripe for parkouring. The game pulls off what is, by far, the best example of first-person parkour to date. It starts out intentionally a bit clumsy yet still intuitive, but as you level your agility and proficiency simply by doing it all the time everywhere, it gets smoother, faster, and more effective. That's not even to mention the late game-changer of the addition of the grappling hook.

Between climbing up walls and leaping across rooftops, you're dismembering, exploding, bludgeoning, or blasting literal hordes of zombies apart with all manner of weaponry. It's a bloody good time that consistently entertains. The night part of the day/night cycle is one of the most intense experiences I've had in years, as it's when the truly nasty monsters come out. You also can't see a damn thing. The final, or one of the final missions, also contains one of my favorite moments in gaming all year. Between the rock-solid parkour and combat mechanics, enthralling open world, and compelling quest design, Dying Light was a huge surprise for me and the best possible start to year of awesome gaming I could've asked for.

2. Fallout 4

Fallout 4 runs on like, decade-old tech. It has rigid animations, unstable framerate, texture pop-in galore, questionable writing, archaic inventory management, a shallow and poor dialogue system, one janky-ass crafting/building system, and more bugs in it than my grandfather's corpse. And yet, here I sit, 80+ hours in, still not finished with my first playthrough (and I can assure you, there WILL be more than one), and I can't wait to jump back in and continue explore the Commonwealth and blast raiders, Super Mutants, feral ghouls, and deathclaws with my .44 Plasma-Infused revolver I dubbed Filthy Larry. I'm one of those people who was gonna be a-okay with this game just being more Fallout 3/New Vegas. Fallout 4 really is that, and I AM fine with it.

That's not to say that I wouldn't have loved to get new tech and some truly revolutionary changes to Bethesda's tried and true open-world RPG formula, but I'm still happier than a pig in shit to eat up what they're serving this time around. It's just that...Bethesda really DO create open worlds like no other. It's hard to put into words how much I just love crawling around and exploring dingy environments that are jam-packed with hundreds of items to pick up, quests to discover, and weird characters to talk to. And although its map is relatively small, geographically speaking, it wastes absolutely no space. Everywhere you look is a possibility for a new adventure, and it's that hook that pulls me back every single time.

I won't defend the game's innumerable downfalls, but I will also adamantly come to bat for all of the amazing stuff it gets right. And now with much-improved -- though still not great -- combat, getting through the world is much more palatable experience. Unless you just can't get past that inventory management. Then the game might just not be for you. For the rest of us who live and breath Fallout, we'll continue to gladly dump dozens more hours that could've been spent doing something constructive, building a virtual shanty-town for our dumb AI friends.

1. The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

And here we are at numero uno. I had an internal debate as to whether The Witcher 3 was really my GOTY or not. My relationship with it is somewhat strained, but there is an undeniable bond there, one that can not be broken. I spent five months with this game before finishing it. I bought it and played it the day it came out, and put it down a few times here and there, but never too long. It certainly breaks my personal record for longest time spent with a single game on one playthrough. I mean, five months?! That's fucking crazy. But I think that speaks volumes about the game itself. It wouldn't have been able to hold my attention for so long if it was not, in fact, an amazing game.

Not everything is amazing, mind you. At launch, it had a pretty rotten inventory system, movement options, and bugs that have since been fixed via gigantic patches. Gameplay was never its strong suit, but it was serviceable. The combat was clumsy and awkward at worst, mildly satisfying at best. Oh, and Roach just might be the worst goddamn mount in any game I've ever played, full stop. No, that's what he does. He comes to complete halts on a regular basis for no discernible reason. Fucking dumbass.

But you know what? All that stuff can be considered a minor blemish on what is otherwise a beautiful, breathtaking open-world RPG. The world is massive but still manages to be stunning to look it. Lighting and weather effects and appropriately sized cities filled with NPCs go a long way to make it feel like a truly living and breathing world. I LIVED in this world when I played this game. Nothing has ever immersed me into its fiction and universe on this deep a level.

And the gigantic world would be nothing if not for the quest design and writing. Nearly every one of its 200+ quests has its own story to go along, with some side quests branching out into hours-long stories of their own that are at least as strong as the main quest. The quality of writing and dialogue can't be overstated. In five months time, I came to care about Geralt and his plights with genuine empathy and concern. I wanted to see things through so badly. Though I never even played the original Witcher and played about three quarters of The Witcher 2, I felt like I knew his entire life. Its an unparalleled feeling.

There are moments in the game, especially in the final acts, that put all of that emotional investment to good use. The Battle of Kaer Morhen is likely my favorite moment in any game all year. Getting to it and much of the other good stuff requires slogging through a languidly-paced large chunk of game that will test even the most patient of gamers, but the payoff is so, so worth it. Sadly, after all that time spent, I ended up getting the worst ending in the game and it felt like all was for naught. I don't think the ways the ending is determined are very well thought-out, but I will commend CD Projekt RED for not making them so clear-cut. I may not have had the most fun playing the Witcher 3 over other games this year, but it is easily the most memorable experience.

Honorable Mentions:

Resident Evil: Revelations 2, Grow Home, Just Cause 3, Helldivers,

How Could You?!

Unlike last year, 2015 was not a year of profound disappointments. At least not for me. I think we got off relatively easy, actually. Yeah, particular versions of certain games are pretty bad, and for me, that game is the console version of Just Cause 3. Holy shit, those load times on PS4...how in the hell?! And the framerate? When you're blowing up the living fuck out of everything in sight...you know, the one thing that is THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF THE GAME? On top of that, the game also has fundamental design choices I am very not down with. However, the game still wins me over by somehow still being really fun to play. I've not delved into it as much as I would've liked just yet, but it will get it's due sometime this year.

As for you, Hotline Miami 2, or should I say....Hotline Miami POO! Just what the fuck were you trying to do? The first Hotline Miami was a brilliant execution of brutal, twitch-based action turned into crazy, intense puzzles with tripping on acid in the 80s as a visual aesthetic. I loved that game. But this sequel, frankly, is a goddamned mess. It undoubtedly has flashes of its predecessor's brilliance, but gone is the need to solve a puzzle to carve a path through buildings full of bad guys. Instead, the solution to almost every level is "grab a gun and funnel everyone through a door and shoot them as they come through." If you don't play that way, the game is basically impossible. And even when you DO play that way, it's still too fucking hard. The environments are way bigger in this one, so that meant I was going to get shot off screen every time the game felt it necessary. Turns out that was approximately a couple dozen or so times in every level. The level designs and forced play styles are not at all conducive to the design philosophy of the original. Instead of building upon that successful formula, I guess they just said "fuck it. Just make everything bigger and more but not design around that." It's too bad, because man, that music is still fantastic.

Excuse Me While I Change My Pants

Thinking back on what my favorite individual moments in games were this year, there are a strong few that really stand out. Several of them came from The Witcher 3 alone. The aforementioned Battle of Kaer Morhen is absolutely amazing and flawlessly executed, even outdoing the infamous Suicide Mission of Mass Effect 2. And it's not even the end of the game! (Minor spoilers ahead) The moments leading up to that sequence involving you hanging out at Kaer Morhen with the other Witchers was also fantastic. I figured I would only be playing the game once, so I may as well go as deep as a can. As it turns out, that involves getting shitfaced and dressing up in Yennifer's clothes and contacting the witches of the Lodge. Simply perfect. The scene where Geralt finally finds Ciri is very beautiful and memorable, mostly for putting a character that has severely suppressed emotions into a situation so profoundly emotional that he is very visibly affected. Powerful stuff.

Dying Light actually had one, too. One of the final missions has you racing through a building to rescue someone (or at least that's how I remember it), when you round a corner and are suddenly faced with a wide hallway jammed with about 300 zombies. There's no choice but to go right through them. I jumped into the pit and slaughtered every last one of those fuckers while bellowing a mighty war cry and beating my chest. It was a moment of pure badassery that I wish I could relive for the first time.

And then there's beating the throne in Nuclear Throne. It is possible, folks. If I can do it, surely you can, too!

My Apologies

I only missed out on a few games I was interested in this year. I will surely buy Rise of the Tomb Raider when the PS4 version hits. I have a copy of Rainbow Six: Siege I'm waiting to install until I get my new hard drive. I also just bought Her Story, which I plan on spending an entire afternoon with very soon. I love games that make me write stuff down.

Well, that does it! Thanks for reading any or all of this mess. Thanks for even just popping in to skim my list and then tell me how wrong I am for excluding your favorite game. Well, guess WHAT? Your favorite game sucks. That's why it's not on here.

2016 is shaping up to be just as good. Uncharted 4, The Division, Deus Ex: Mankind Divided, motherfucking No Man's Sky, Mess Effect: Andromeda, Horizon Zero Dawn, DOOM, and so many more. I can already feel my wallet emptying. Help me.

As much as I have truly enjoyed the first five of the James Bond flicks, I’m very ready to start treading some new territory. As a newcomer to the early installments of the franchise, Sean Connery made a lasting impression on me, as he fully embodied everything I came to understand of both the character and the series. He was suave, handsome, bad ass, a womanizing rapist pig, and undeniably cool in every aspect. How do you replace that?! It was a task of the tallest order.

The end of Connery’s first run as Bond of course means major changes, and those changes came in the form On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. The red-headed stepchild of the Bond series. You don’t hear a lot of people talk about this one for some reason. However, most of the people that do like this movie seem to really, REALLY like this movie. I’ve heard time and again that the action is the film’s strongest aspect, and in some respects I can see the how and why. I was incredibly intrigued to check this one out because the way some people talked about it made it seem like the underdog of the franchise. I’m generally an underdog kind of a guy, so this should be right up my alley.

I can’t start this thing off without mentioning the totally illustrious George Lazenby, replacing Connery as the master spy with a dick of stone. EVERYTHING was riding on him at the time, but OHMSS was his one and only turn at being Bond, so…guess it didn’t work out to well, huh? I’m sure this lead a lot of people to think that he was somehow impossibly inept and terrible at playing the role. But you know what? He was actually really damn good, if not a breath of fresh air. He still had that classically handsome look, with a magnificent chin that almost rivals the likes of Bruce Campbell, but he brought a different energy. He’s brings a slightly more grounded and serious gravitas to Bond, and is certainly less of an arrogant cocksucker. He's also comes across as a bit more skittish and vulnerable. It was a refreshing change of pace that I turned out to enjoy quite a bit. Unfortunately - and I'm gonna go against the grain a bit here - the movie that Lazenby is in isn't actually that good.

That's not to say it's terrible, but I didn't find it as enjoyable as I was lead to believe it was. This one takes things considerably more seriously than most of the previous entries. The over-the-top characters and ridiculous situations are scaled back quite a bit, but not to the point of non-existence. Bond witnessing a woman being brainwashed by listening to Blofeld over a PA system installed in her room, telling her that she will "learn to love chicken" is up there with the very best I've seen so far. The dinner scene in which Bond enjoys the company of the dozen women who all seem to swoon over him immediately is just stiffened rock hard with overt sexual innuendo. For the most part, though, OHMSS plays it straight. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, because I don't NEED the cheesy nonsense to enjoy the movies, but what they had in place of it is just not that interesting.

Bond is going after Blofeld yet again. This time, he's apparently researching allergies high up in the Swiss Alps, and of course this has to involve a bunch of beautiful women from around the globe for no reason other than putting a bunch of attractive and scantily clad women in the film. And he's doing this under the name "Blochamp", because keeping the "blow" half of your name doesn't ring suspicious at all. Bond goes there under the guise of some famous doctor, but Blofeld somehow does recognize Bond despite having met in the previous film (I think this has to do with the books occurring in the opposite order). Yeah, the whole set-up is dumb...but it's just not dumb enough.

I think the biggest departure from the rest of the franchise was the filmmakers trying to make Bond less of a man-whore who's trying to get his dick wet every opportunity he gets. The movie opens with him saving Tracy, played by the beautiful Dianna Rigg, from trying to drown herself in the ocean while fighting off a bunch of guys on the beach. They then fall in love and plan to get married, but not before going off on his mission. There was a brief second there where I had thought Bond turned a new leaf and wasn't going to be a polygamous herpes factory, but I breathed a sigh of relief when he cheats on his new love while in the Alps. Phew! I thought something was seriously wrong there! He gets with one of the test subjects right before she's convinced that chicken is her new love, and then minutes later he hooks up with another test subject using the exact same pick-up line he used on the other chick. Bond either has no game or the best game, but either way I need to start taking pages from the James Bond playbook.

As I said earlier, the action is supposed to be the best part. I can understand why some would say this. The action is fast and brutal in ways that movies weren't back then. It uses some filming and editing techniques that were ahead of their time. It almost almost feels like a prototype of modern action films at times. The part where this doesn't work is that is uses some of the absolutely worst aspects of modern action films. The jump cuts. OH MY GOD THE JUMP CUTS. TAKE THEM AWAY! THEY'RE SO TERRIBLE. The fight scenes are riddled with obnoxious and illogical cuts that destroy the flow and continuity of the action. In one shot, a guy's lying the floor, then suddenly in the next shot he's standing and attacking Bond with a chair. The scenes just cut to moves and actions without bothering to show how the characters got there. And it looks fucking awful. If the fights were shown in their entirety they might've been brilliant, but instead they were edited by a cocaine-addled ape with ADD.

I thought the action got slightly better as the film went on, admittedly. Not by much, though. The massive two-part ski chase down a mountain is... sorta cool? The impressive shots of a bunch of actual skiers are inter-cut with a plethora of really bad greenscreen work. I'm not sure that humor was what they were going for here, but it worked! The chase worked when it showed Blofeld's henchmen meeting their end in a variety of ways. I will never forget seeing a dude fly into a massive snowblower and get chewed to pieces. They even show a geyser of blood spewing from the machine. In a 1969 PG film! Maybe I found it awesome because it was so unexpected, but that shit is raw by any standards! Another guy gets thrown off a mountainside cliff, and they make a point to show him fall aaaaaaall the way down AND the impact. Wholly unnecessary but completely funny.

There's also the final assault on Blofeld's mountain resort that's not too bad, but I don't recall Bond participating that much in it, aside from sliding on his belly while shooting a machinegun. The final battle between Blofeld and Bond comes in the form of a bobsled chase, where the villain is presumably killed after getting his neck wedged in between a forking tree branch. It's like the end of Speed, only terrible! This whole movie felt like they tried to turn the winter Olympics into an action film. So yeah, there is a decent amount of action in the movie, but the people who say that it's some of the best of the series are out of their goddamn minds.

The end of the film is a total curve-ball, and HUGE SPOILER ALERT... Bond and Tracy get married, which is pure insanity in and of itself. They happily drive away, leaving the perpetually lonely, jealous, and pathetic Moneypenny pretending to be happy for them while tears stream down her face, and the movie easily could've ended there. Then they stop to take in the scenery on a cliff-top road. The still-very-much-alive Blofeld does a drive-by on them, shooting and killing Tracy in the process. The last shot is Bond hugging her dead body in the car, mourning the death of his new wife. It's dark and fucked up, ain't it? None of this ever would've happened in the Connery films, so it was interesting to see them trying something new. Unfortunately they completely abandon that style in the next film.

I came away thinking it was an okay movie, but not loving it. I felt let down after hearing so many good things about it. It felt like an experiment in the grand scheme of the franchise, with some elements that worked very well and would make a return much later in the series. But there are also many moments where it felt stuck between being what the series has been all along while also trying to be something new and never swinging all the way in one direction or the other. I feel like it has rewatchability potential, though.

Title Sequence Assessment

There is no proper Bond theme song for On Her Majesty's Secret Service, and the title sequence is bland and instantly forgettable, what I would imagine getting a BJ from Kirsten Dunst would be like. The rest of the score is well done, however.

Previous Episodes

Episode 1: Dr. No and From Russia With Love

Episode 2: Goldfinger

Episode 3: Thunderball

Episode 4: You Only Live Twice

Episode 1: Dr. No and From Russia With Love

Episode 2: Goldfinger

Episode 3: Thunderball

So it's come to You Only Live Twice, Connery’s last in his original run of Bond pictures, and another movie I had no expectations for, except for that it's one of the more divisive in the franchise It seems to be either near the bottom or the top for a lot of folks. And the reasons they don’t like it sounded precisely like reasons that I would like it. Learning that it took place entirely in Japan, I was overcome by a sense of gleeful joy in realizing that this movie would probably be steeped in ignorant and insensitive racial stereotypes. And guess what? I was spot fucking on. Racism out of ignorance rather than malice is by far my favorite kind! I feel fairly comfortable in saying that this movie was absolutely hilarious.

It opens up with Bond in a post-coital relaxation with a Chinese girl, who leaves the room right before the bed they did the nasty on flips up into the wall, taking the super spy with it. A bunch of armed men storm into the room with machineguns and straight dump into the bed. Cut to Bond’s encased body being dumped into the ocean during a military funeral, where he sinks to the ocean floor. You guys! They….they just KILLED James Bond. I can’t believe it! Well, you shouldn’t believe it, because that would be a pretty terrible direction for the franchise to suddenly take. The body cocoon is immediately picked up by a submarine, where they cut it open to reveal our oversexed hero is still very much alive and horny.

A pretty silly start, but where it goes from here is unpredictably bonkers, and in the best ways possible. It’s hard to pick where to start, really. It’s actually kind of a terrible movie, as the characters feel very disposable and the plot incredibly outlandish, even by Bond standards. But it’s such a great kind of bad! The entertainment value is undeniable, even as Connery starts showing waning enthusiasm for his famous role. Okay, so SPECTRE has a spaceship that is sent to swallow other spaceships. It slowly approaches its target, the front of opens up, and in go the hapless astronauts in their pathetic non-spaceship-eating spaceship. SPECTRE is essentially kidnapping a bunch of astronauts and bringing them back to Blofeld’s crazy base inside a hollowed-out volcano in Japan, and it’s up to Bond to find out why. But as everyone he knows thinks he’s dead, except for M and the crew, it’s supposed to be a secret undercover operation. You know…spy shit.

That’s only the beginning of this glorious mess! There’s a fight scene between Bond and a bodyguard where he beats the dude up with a sofa. He literally picks a goddamned sofa up off the ground and starts hitting the guy with it. Another scene has Bond in a car chase, being pursued by a carload of Japanese henchmen with guns, when he calls in some air support. A helicopter with a giant magnet swoops in, picks up the henchmen, and dumps them all in the ocean. I believe I cheered a little at this moment. It's a pretty crazy stunt, even by today's standards!

Perhaps the most memorable action sequence is when Bond encounters Q, and Q delivers him a special gyrocopter he’s been working on, armed with all sorts of ballistic goodies. Bond immediately takes to the skies and does battle with a ton of normal helicopters. It’s a very drawn-out sequence, yet still neat for the time at least. Bond goes through all of his gadgets in the gyro, one by one, and his carnage is displayed by shots of stationary model helicopters exploding and then dropping from the sky like boulders. The entire sequence didn’t really need to exist. While this scene did show that Bond discovers the volcano base from the air, it’s mainly there solely to show off the cool gyrocopter and add another action scene; it could have been cut and wouldn’t have impacted the film at all. Thunderball had this problem as well, of including a scene with a novel gadget just for the sake of having a gadget rather than figure out how to meaningfully incorporate it into the storyline. It’s so endearingly lazy.

You Only Live Twice is also known for finally revealing what Blofeld looks like. In the past few films, he’s only shown from the neck down, stroking his fluffy white cat as he addresses others, being portrayed by different actors each time. Here, none other than the legendary Donald Pleasance plays the nefarious villain. For whatever reason, I guess a lot of people don’t like Pleasance’s portrayal of Blofeld, but I really thought he was fine; maybe a little bit of a wimpy bitch, but more than serviceable. This movie’s version of Blofeld is also the inspiration for Dr. Evil’s look, so he’s worth at least THAT.

Akiko Wakabayashi is the Bond girl this time around, playing Aki. While she is beautiful, her acting is about as rotten as deviled egg farts and is likely the most forgettable Bond girl thus far. Her character is so half-assed, and it seems like all she wants to do is fuck Bond from the second she meets him. I’m sure he’s not complaining about that, but she feels like such a throwaway character. Maybe that’s because she IS, though. They literally throw her away, killing her off two thirds of the way through the movie, replacing her with another equally attractive and useless Japanese woman named Kissy. Yes…. Kissy. The only difference between them is that Kissy doesn’t want to screw Bond and would rather help his mission.

This brings me to what I think is simultaneously the best and most offensive part of this film: the aforementioned racism. Although this movie was filmed on location in Japan and uses real Japanese actors, it still depicts the Japanese culture with the accuracy of a blind sniper in a hurricane. It’s the 60s, though! You couldn’t realistically expect any different. And honestly, this was still probably the most positive portrayal of Japan in Western media after WWII. This aspect of the movie served up the funniest moments, especially in the movie’s final act. Bond, in order to blend in and infiltrate Blofeld’s volcano base, had to, for whatever reason, look Japanese. You know what this means! OMG MAKEOVER! So this actually happens: Bond is laying on a table while some people apply prosthetic pieces around his eyes to make him look Asian, as well as dye his skin yellow with lemon juice. I couldn’t say that I actually expected them to do that, but you can bet your ass that I was so, so happy they did. Then they cut away mid-procedure.

Bond is soon shown walking into a room to meet his newly assigned fake wife, Kissy, with his head bowed. He slowly looks up for what the movie tries to make a big reveal of his new Japanese look. I looked at my dad in disbelief and howled with laughter. The best part was that even with the rubber eye pieces, unnoticeably dyed skin, and dorky haircut, he still didn’t look remotely Japanese, but bless them for trying. The fact that they actually did this without any level of self-awareness was pretty amazing in and of itself. Bond’s ally then reveals that they’ll be breaking into Blofeld’s base with a team of ninjas! Because what else would they be? Incredibly inept and poorly trained expendable asshats with guns is probably a more apt description. After Bond trains to become an honorary ninja himself, he and Kissy go off and find the base on their own. When they start climbing down the volcano, it’s broad daylight, and when they finally reach the bottom, night has fallen. Bond instructs Kissy to go and assemble the ninja team for a full-on assault, so off she goes. But she manages to make it back to the top of the volcano in a matter of 30 seconds. I can see that continuity is not one of the producer’s primary concerns. In the meantime, Bond sneaks inside and disguises himself as an astronaut, but is caught by Blofeld about 90 seconds later.

The ensuing battle inside Blofeld’s volcano base is about as nuts as you would expect, as dozens of gun-toting ninjas rappel from the roof after blowing it open, many of them being shot dead before they even reach the ground. So you guys barge in as loud as fucking possible and immediately put yourselves in what couldn’t be a more vulnerable position. Really living up to the ‘ninja’ name, morons. They serve as a great distraction that allows Bond to escape, knock some asshole into a pool of man-eating piranhas, and stop Blofeld’s ingenious plan to swallow an American spaceship. There is a GREAT goof when everything is going haywire in the control room. Blofeld is standing there holding his cat when the roof suddenly blows open and there are loud explosions and gunshots everywhere. The cat is freaking the fuck out in his arms, its eyes nearly bulging out of its poor cat head, desperately trying to escape Mr. Pleasance’s clutches while he’s trying to act and hold on to the cat at the same time. Shhh…just leave it in….no one will notice! Everything from there goes as one would expect. Bond wins, the super-secret volcano lair is destroyed, and Blofeld escapes to presumably come up with some other convoluted clusterfuck of a plan for the future. (SPOILER ALERT………..this is exactly what happens in the next movie).

You Only Live Twice is nothing if not very ambitious. For all of its many faults, it does not only more than what the previous Bonds set out to do, but more than what most other movies were doing back then. Between the many huge action scenes featuring larger-than-life stunts, the extravagant set design of the volcano base, and the on-location shooting in Japan, there’s a lot of nice stuff to look at. The wonderfully hammy acting and blatant lighthearted racism is thick, heart-stopping icing on the cake. It’s not Connery’s best performance as James Bond, nor is it as wholly competent as Goldfinger, but I’d say it’s every bit as entertaining. I really adored this Bond adventure, maybe not for the reasons intended, but what’s the difference? As the finale for Connery’s main run of Bond films, and as the continuation of the increasingly silly nature of them, it’s nearly perfect.

Title Sequence Assessment: The opening credits to You Only Live Twice have a predictably oriental theme, and aside from shots of Japanese women, feature a lot of shots of boiling lava in volcanoes. Fitting, I guess. The song, however, is sung by Nancy Sinatra and is absolutely wonderful. I’ve heard the main melody in a bunch of other stuff before and never knew this film was its origin. It’s used a lot throughout the film itself, too, and never gets old. It’s just so…pleasant. The title sequence makes me feel I was forced to inhale a near-lethal amount of laughing gas and was then dragged through a beautiful field of flowers while chained to the back of a pick-up truck.

Up next is the black sheep of the Bond franchise, On Her Majesty's Secret Service! Thanks for reading!

Episode 1: Dr. No and From Russia With Love

Episode 2: Goldfinger

After the brilliant and cacophonous circus act that was Goldfinger, I was more than ready to charge head-first into more crazy Bond adventures. I really knew next to nothing about the next few films going in. Thunderball and You Only Live Twice are talked about relatively little compared to the first three. I suppose there’s a good reason for that. Particularly in the case of Thunderball, I can totally understand why it's not as beloved. The goofiness and buffoonery seems to increase exponentially with absolutely no intention of looking back. Is that a bad thing? Fuck no! For many this would be a drawback, but for me, without the craziness, there's literally no other way this movie would be enjoyable.

Thunderball is…odd. I won’t say that I didn’t enjoy it, because I did, but it’s painfully obvious how it tried to emulate the tone and style of Goldfinger. It succeeded in some respects but failed in other, more critical areas. There are scenes of Thunderball that are almost un-fucking-believable in their entertainment value, but they’re surrounded by a jumbled mess of a story.

That brings me to my major gripe with this film. I had no fucking clue as to what the hell was happening at, let’s say, basically any given moment. The story occasionally comes together for brief moments but then quickly collapses under its own weight and wanders off like a 90 year-old dementia patient. I think it has something to do with Bond trying to recover some nuclear warheads that SPECTRE stole. The editing is so terribly inconsistent that it makes large parts of the film incoherent. It just kind of lazily goes from scene to scene without much set-up or explanation. It’s really not a great story to begin with, but what it does with it is incredibly weak.

Thankfully, there’s some great, great stuff to make up for it. Take the pre-credits sequence for instance. Bond attends a funeral of a man who killed some of his colleagues. But WAIT. The guy is actually attending his own funeral dressed as his widow, even though if he had a wife she would probably be there herself and if he didn’t have a wife it would’ve have aroused suspicion that “she” was there in the first place BUT WHO THE HELL CARES! There’s a great fight between the two of them, and then Bond escapes on a sweet jet-pack that he uses exactly once. It’s a hell of an opening, and even though it’s disconnected from everything else in the film, it’s honestly one of the best moments.

You wanna know what the actual best moment is? Watch this shit right here. Hooooly shit. Who knew that the roughest sex that James Bond would have in a movie would be with a table? This scene had my dad and I laughing our asses off. How anyone thought that this scene was anything other than literally the dumbest thing of all time is beyond me, but God bless whoever is responsible for this making it into the movie.

Claudine Auger as Bond girl Domino is mesmerizing. She’s not a good actress or anything, but she is astoundingly beautiful, and I learned after watching the film that she is a fan favorite. Yowza, I can see why! I was entranced by her presence in every scene she was in. Bond and Domino shag several times throughout Thunderball, as is customary, but if Connery didn’t get some of that in real life back then, I feel sorry for him. He, of course, uses his "charms" to get a few side girls in this movie, too. The best of this occurs when he threatens to get a woman fired from her job if she doesn’t sleep with him. Awe, so sweet! Blackmailing like a true gentlemen.

While I did appreciate much of the action, Thunderball seems to have some kind of weird underwater and shark fetish. Bond ain't afraid of no sharks! In fact, he usually likes it when they use a little teeth. There are a LOT of scenes in water, though. Sometimes it’s scuba-diving and riding the backs of giant sea turtles, others it's stealthing through the villain's private shark collection, and many times it's just murdering fools, but it becomes just plain obnoxious well before the end. I'd be surprised if less than a third of the film took place in or underwater. This most notably comes to a head in the climactic underwater battle between a bunch of evil henchmen and CIA that Felix Leiter brings in. This battle goes on for what seems like an eternity and a half. I truly think its lasts a good 10 minutes or so. There’s no accompanying music in this version, just bubbly noises and a bad stabbing sound effect every time someone gets shot with a harpoon gun (which happens several dozen times). There are some really sweet kills in this scene, but like, Jesus, dude. It could’ve been cut in half and then maybe it would’ve felt right. It’s ambitious, to be sure, but to the cost of dragging down the end of the movie considerably. I also feel like it was this scene, or maybe the whole movie even, that inspired the underwater mission with harpoon guns in No One Lives Forever.

I guess I don’t have much more to say on Thunderball. As of writing this, it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve watched it, and I’m having trouble remembering a lot of it. Much of what else I do remember isn’t worth more than a few chuckles. I don't recall anything about the main villain other than he had an eye patch. I did like the Blofled roundtable scene that basically served as many of the major gags in the Austin Powers films. There is also an excessive use of sped-up editing to make action scenes move faster, which never doesn’t look hysterically terrible. I’d honestly have to say that it’s an overall forgettable Bond film that has a few major highlights. At the same time, I did have a lot of fun watching it, so I can’t NOT recommend it, but it doesn’t quite reach the heights of its predecessors. Connery still brings it and makes even the more bland moments fun. He one-hands a harpoon gun and nails a guy to a tree, then follows it up with a one-liner that's cornier than my shit after eating a Sante Fe burrito: "I think he got the point". I can't NOT love this dude. I'm gonna miss him when I get done with his films.

And at the behest of @bisonhero

Title sequence assessment: The Tom Jones song “Thunderball” is actually really great. Definitely has a distinctive Bond-like quality to it. Jones’ classical crooning is absolutely perfect for this piece. The sequence itself is female silhouettes dancing around the screen, this time underwater. At one part, it is heavily insinuated that a harpoon gun shoots one of the women right in her vagina. Very subtle stuff, as always. The title sequence makes me feel like I'm floating on a raft made of large marshmallows off the coast of Honduras while the disembodied voice of an inebriated Gary Busey reads me Witcher 3 patch notes. Overall, great opening to an otherwise okay movie.

Coming soon: The several reasons why I adored You Only Live Twice. Thanks for reading!

Episode 1: Dr. No and FRWL

After thoroughly enjoying the first two of Bond’s outings in Dr. No and From Russia With Love, I was eagerly ready to see the legendary Goldfinger. No, definitely not the 90s skater punk band. I’m talking double oh muthafuckin’ SEVEN. Prior to watching, my dad told me that this was where he really felt like the series started to come into its own and develop into what most people think of when they imagine a 007 movie. After watching it, I’m definitely inclined to agree. Goldfinger is fucking batshit crazy compared to those other two. There is definitely a logical progression over the arc of the first three films, however. Dr. No introduces us to the spy, James Bond, and shows us how he works with few distractions to get in the way. From Russia With Love expands the world a little more, giving new characters with more distinct personalities room to breathe, and also brings in the gadgets in a minor way. Some silliness is there, but it never goes that far over-the-top. Then Goldfinger bursts into the room and says, no, YELLS into your dumb face, “Hey, remember all that other shit? Yeah, fuck that. THIS IS WHERE IT GETS REAL.” Everything is turned up to 11 suddenly, and the movie is all the better for it.

It’s safe to say that, thus far, I’ve had the most fun watching Goldfinger by a large margin. The sheer amount of goofiness on display definitely had a lot to do with that, but I also think it’s a better paced and better produced film than the two before it. The further-increased budget definitely shows. It’s not better in every respect, because Bond himself actually does very little for a good portion of the movie. He spends a large chunk of time being captured, but this does not deter dumb/cool shit from happening on a regular basis.

The film really starts off strong. It opens with Bond screwing another woman. I'm just as surprised as you are, I know. An assassin sneaks into their room to take Bond out, but Bond, being the sly motherfucker he is, sees the assassin coming, and suddenly uses his woman as a shield for the assassin’s attack. He really just straight up does not give a flying F about her, and proceeds to electrocute the assassin in a bathtub with a small electric fan, after which the super spy utters “Shocking”. I mean, if this is not the definition of badass cool-guy stuff, I just don’t know what is.

It’s not long before we meet the eccentric titular villain known as Goldfinger. He’s quite a dude, and by far the most developed and fleshed out of the Bond baddies so far. I mean, I felt like I really empathized with him in some strange sociopathic way. He was a man of simple needs, and went to absurd lengths to fulfill them, but goddamnit, his plan (almost) worked! Make no mistake, this guy is a fat, ugly, greasy slime ball, but actor Gert Frobe plays the part so well that it’s impossible not to love the guy. He makes his evilness known when he kills the girl Bond stole from him and paints her dead body gold, his "calling card", as it were. Nearly as notable as Goldfinger himself was his main henchman, the infamous Oddjob. I loved this dude to death, I really did. He speaks nary a word, and has a deadly hat that can apparently cut the head off a stone statue but has a much tougher time doing the same thing to a human head. His stoicism doesn’t amount to much in the end, as Bond inevitably kicks his ass in a humorously bad fight scene (which is all the more disappointing coming hot off the heels of the awesome train fight in FRWL). Luckily we get to see a good amount of him before he bites it.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the Bond girl this time around. The cleverly and subtly named Pussy Galore. GET IT, GUYS? IT’S A DOUBLE ENTENDRE FOR A COPIOUS AMOUNT OF VAGINA. Seriously, that’s not even innuendo, it’s a blatantly lazy sexual reference, and I love it. She gets an interesting role at least, originally siding with Goldfinger until later realizing the error of her ways. The best part involving her is when Bond is making his trademark scummy and rapey advances on her, and she proves to be the first woman that immediately rejects his most generous offer. Bond is understandably taken aback by her unwillingness to plunge herself atop his hairy form, but never fear! Our hero is never one to just give up. Before long, she submits like the proper woman she’s supposed to be (only because he forces himself on top of her and rams his tongue down her throat until she gives in. No, really. That’s what happens) and becomes his fuck-puppet until sometime between the ending credits of this film and the opening credits of the next. Actually, the worst part of her being in the film is having to listen to Sean Connery say "pussy". It's almost gag-inducing.

Let’s go through some of the other dumbness abound, the kind that I absolutely revel in. I was consistently smiling or laughing throughout much of the movie. In one scene, Bond encounters another woman, Tilly, who is also out to kill Goldfinger as revenge for killing her sister. They meet on the road, before Bond knows her or her intentions, where they clash cars as she drives like a maniacal bitch to try and get around him. Bond deploys wheel spikes that not only shreds her tire but creates a huge gash down the entire length of her car. Bond stops to “help” her, and when she gets out, she’s somehow completely oblivious to the massive amount of damage done to her vehicle other than the tire, and chalks the whole thing up to bad luck. Similar to most female characters written back then, she's clearly a complete dumbass.. They briefly team up to try and get Goldfinger together, and end up in a sweet car chase as a bunch of nameless uniformed Asian henchmen comically stuff themselves half-a-dozen each to a car and attempt to take them down. All with the help of an adorable little old lady as she charges out of a guard shack with a goddamn machinegun and straight dumps on the Aston Martin. You know, THAT old cliché. Needless to say, her brief and totally random appearance may have been my favorite part of the entire movie.

After this scene, Bond gets captured and spends basically the rest of the movie being so. I guess I felt it took a slight dive, but I don’t think I was ever bored. After all, we get the classic scene of Bond tied to a table as laser beam moves painfully slow towards him and threatens to strip him of his most prized possession: his own penis. We get the legendary exchange of “Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Mister Bond. I expect you to die!” An exchange I’m sure most of us have heard a thousand times. This was my first time ever hearing it in context, though. And to be honest, it was a little underwhelming, because I never felt that Goldfinger was really that mad at Bond. He didn't really have trouble letting him live after that. Another scene that really tickled my loins was Goldfinger explaining his plan to break into Fort Knox to a room full of gangsters with highly stereotypical Italian New Yorker accents. As pieces of the room moved to reveal a concealed space, or the lights went out, or anything else happened that might’ve confused their simple gangster brains, they all looked around the room wildly and shouted variations of “What’s goin’ on here?” and “Hey, what is this?” on several occasions. And then it turns out that Goldfinger kills them all anyway and that entire scene didn’t need to happen at all, but boy am I sure glad it did!

Finally, the climactic assault on Fort Knox was very silly, but still kinda cool. I liked how all of the soldiers pulled the ol’ switcheroo by only pretending to be dead from the poisonous gas sprayed on them from the sky. The ensuing firefight between the soldiers and Goldfinger’s men was like an indoor Battlefield match come to life, as legions of dudes just piled up in doorways and shot at each other for a good long while, and everyone is a terrible shot. Then we have the final encounter between the hero and villain aboard a plane. OH MY GOD, Goldfinger’s death…it’s incredible. Trust me. I’m not sure if it was actually supposed to be funny, but I was nearly pissing myself laughing.

So yeah, Goldfinger is a fairly fantastic film. It’s easily the best, and also the “best”, of the first three. The heightened quality of the oddball characters, action, espionage, and strangeness made for something I felt was truly fun from beginning to end. It’s easy to see how this one set the standard for much of the rest of the franchise for the next couple decades. It can only get better from here! Right guys?! …right?

This past Father's Day, I was finally able to give my dad the essential gift that every son should give their father. No, I'm not talking about making him proud by becoming highly successful, buying a new house and marrying a beautiful woman. He'll be waiting awhile for that. I am, of course, talking about the James Bond blu-ray collection! This amazing box set compiles every single film in the series so far in a very classy presentation of two disc-packed books. In honesty, maybe this gift was as much for myself as it was for him. My dad loves old spy movies, the Bonds included, although he hasn't seen all of them. I like spy stuff a lot too, and I haven't seen ANY of them in their entirety, outside of the Craig films. Nope, not even Goldeneye! As far as I know, that movie is just four dudes in a small building shooting each other with paintball guns.

With the much-anticipated Spectre releasing later this year, I thought what better way for some father and son bond-ing than to watch all 23 007 movies in order? The thought really excited me, because it's something I've been wanting to do for some time. The goal is to watch them all before Spectre comes out this November, which really shouldn't be too hard. We've already gotten through the first two, Dr. No and From Russia With Love. I don't really want to review them, rather just gather some thoughts and observations I made while watching them. Also, though I am a movie lover, I really can't help myself but to make fun of poor/outdated special effects and old filmmaking conventions, something that both my father and I did plenty of throughout these first two movies. It's part of what makes watching them together so much damn fun. I can't wait to run through the rest of the series, but the rest of this blog will focus on the first two.

What more logical place to start than at the beginning? Dr. No kicked this legendary franchise off in 1962. It's a somewhat slow start, too. For a series that is mostly known for big stunts and crazy action sequences, the first outing is understandably light on the action. I really didn't know what to expect from these earlier films given the budget and age, though I must say that From Russia With Love does a much better job at setting the precedent for what this series is.

That said, Dr. No is still a fun flick. Maybe a bit ironically more than unironically at this point, but the film still has as much charm as Bond himself. If anything, it does a great job of introducing us to the character of James Bond and who he really is: a master spy with an eternal boner who fucks his way across the globe. Seriously, I didn't think these old films would lean so heavily on that (especially as I'm not familiar at all with Fleming's novels), but he really does just bang like 4 women in this first movie alone. And you know what? They're all still pretty smokin' hot! Particularly the first real Bond girl, Honey Ryder, played by the lovely Ursula Andress. They still really knew how to pick 'em, even back then. The idea of this era of Bond in 2015 is incredibly misogynistic but also undeniably fun. It's seriously funny watching hordes of beautiful women throw themselves at a young Sean Connery moments after meeting him as if they had no free will of their own.

Speaking of Connery, one of the first things I, or rather my dad pointed out, was that his eyebrows are huge. They actually wrap around to his temples, which seems absurd. I was not able to stop noticing that after he mentioned it. Weird. He certainly was a handsome fellow back then, though. Even I don't know if I could've kept myself off him. He really does embody this character perfectly. It's crazy to think that Fleming thought he was terrible at first and had to come around later on. Connery just exudes this air of class, efficiency, and sense of always knowing what to do and being in control, even when he isn't. Just by looking at him, you know he's a stone cold bad ass and will ruin your fucking day in an instant if prompted. "It's a Smith & Wesson, and you've had your six" is legitimately one of the coolest one-liners I've ever heard. However, for all that coolness, there are more than a few laughs to be had at his expense.

There are parts of Dr. No that are humorous in their absurdity, and then parts that are flat out gut-bustingly hilarious. The chick "spying" on Bond with that massive fucking camera by taking pictures of him standing like a foot and a half away? You can't not laugh at that. The amazing green screen work (or back then, I'm guessing it was just a video playing behind the actors?) of the car chase is also notable. It was already good enough that the car chasing Bond just appeared to grow comically large as it approached from behind. But then he had to duck and drive under a crane, a scene that literally had my dad and I in tears because of how ridiculous it looked now. Never mind the scene in which Bond and Honey Ryder are being decontaminated in Dr. No's hidden lab by having white goo sprayed out of a hose onto their naked bodies. You don't even need to guess at the jokes that ...came out of that one. That dude Quarell was such a cockblocker, too. There are about 4 or 5 instances where Bond and Ryder are about to get it on, and this guy just chimes in out of nowhere, "Mr. Bond, come quick!". Well, dude, he's either gotta come quick or not at all if you keep fucking interrupting!

Dr. No's story is mildly interesting on its own, and its set-up of "mad scientist/genius is doing/building something that threatens the world" would become commonplace for much of the series. I was actually under the impression that a lot of these movies were self-contained, but Dr. No vaguely introduces SPECTRE and sets the stage for the next few films. What I thought was kind of weird was that the titular villain barely plays a direct part in the film and doesn't even show up until the the last 30 minutes or so. I'd say this was a fairly ineffective way at trying to portray a good villain. I did enjoy the little bit of screen time he did get, however.

Is Dr. No a classic? Sure. I don't think it holds up as well as others might, but it is enjoyable. Maybe not a great way to showcase what the series is all about, but this is the OG Bond, man. It deserves your respect and attention!

Now THIS one I was truly excited for. I'd always heard from many that this was one of, if not THE best Bond movie. As a younger guy who's not an old fart looking at things through smudgy rose-tinted glasses, I wasn't inclined to prepare myself for that level of awesome (also seeing as Casino Royale is probably in my top 10 favorite films of all time). But I gotta say, this was a quite excellent sequel and handily outdid Dr. No in practically every respect. The films were made only a year apart, but there is a world of difference in story, characters, action, and general quality. I'm sure having double the budget (a whole 2 MILLION DOLLARS!) helped quite a bit. I just found From Russia With Love to be infinitely more entertaining.

This film starts making use of its wide cast of characters to much better effect than its predecessor. Here, I found it easy to pinpoint exactly where Mike Meyers got many of his ideas for Austin Powers. Rosa Klebb was a standout. The idea of a little old Austrian lady being tasked with spearheading an operation to kill of the world's top spies is ridiculous enough, but her personality and actions are priceless, particularly when she's being chewed out by Blofeld, and then at the end when she's fighting Bond. She also punches legendary screen actor Robert Shaw in the stomach near the beginning just to test his strength. Funny as hell, probably unintentionally so. My dad got a real kick out of the amazing punching sounds used in this film; something like an old wooden chair being thrown against a large metal sheet. Anyway, Shaw plays an ex-KGB agent working for SPECTRE, named Donald Grant. He doesn’t get a ton of screen time, but I couldn’t help but think how damn cool this guy was the entire time. Kind of a shame he had to go out and couldn’t live to…die another day. But you know who else was cool? Connery. Sean fucking Connery was cool, even cooler and more of a bad ass than in Dr. No. Even when he’s a huge dork he’s still cool. I’m starting to get why he is so beloved in these films. He's just fun to watch.

One interesting twist was that the audience knows that the Bond girl, Tatiana Romanova, is supposedly evil the entire time. She lures Bond in with, what else, her good looks and lots of screwing literally within seconds of meeting him. This is all part of the assassination game that SPECTRE or SMERSH or whoever the fuck is playing. Romanova’s actress, Daniela Bianchi, doesn’t actually speak a lick of English and all her lines are overdubbed by another actress. It works out pretty convincingly, to my surprise.

What really makes From Russia With Love so entertaining, especially after watching Dr. No, is that everything is ratcheted up another few notches. The trademark gadgets are introduced here, and there is more espionage, more sexual innuendo, and more action. Especially the action! Most of it is loaded into the last act, but if you’re curious to see what an action film from the early 1960’s looks like, I assure you that it’s much better than you’d think. A huge shootout, a boat chase, a weird helicopter part, and a brutal fistfight between Bond and Grant in a passenger train car that holds up way better than it has any right to (the fight holds up, I mean. The train car actually takes a beating). Sure, much of the action is filled with odd editing choices and awkwardly drawn out shots, but for being over 50 years old, I certainly can’t complain! Oh, and there’s a super bizarre and hysterically bad cat fight between two hot tribal women that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Perhaps the highlight of the film.

I would have to say that From Russian With Love left me with a pretty good feeling and made me even more eager to see how the series evolved from there. I’m also incredibly excited to watch the actual shitty Bond movies like Moonraker, because I’m sure they’re jam-packed with the terrible, corny goodness I’m looking for. But for now, Goldfinger is next in line! Thanks for reading!

I don't know about anyone else, but my 2014 kinda sucked. Heartbreak, betrayal, mistakes I'll never be able to forgive myself for... ya know, THAT kind of year. But video games were there for me! Surely, at the very least, 2014 for video games was stellar, right?! Well...not exactly. For myself and many others, a lot of the year's biggest releases turned out to be let-downs. When games are continuously pushed out the the door unfinished, in hopes that a patch will fix whatever mess is left; or games are sold under the allusions of them being one thing when they are, in fact, another thing entirely, something is wrong. In a way, though, it could be a blessing in disguise, as developers of AAA titles will hopefully learn many lessons for the years ahead, for what to do and what not to do to ensure that your huge multimillion dollar venture is a success rather than a slimy, Taco Bell-induced turd flopping its way into the gas station bathroom that is the games industry.

But fear not, fellow duders! 2014 wasn't entirely a bust. This turned out to be a year where smaller games were allowed to flourish and thrive on the underwhelming performances of their higher-budgeted brethren. This was the first full year of life for our shiny new generation of consoles, and while nothing really pushed the envelope of modern game design, many people simply wanted new games to play on their new hardware, giving certain titles more attention than they otherwise would've gotten, and in a lot of cases, deservedly so. To my own surprise, not only did I play 10 games this year that I felt were honestly worthy of putting on this list, I actually had to leave a few out. So without further adieu, I present my TOP 10 GAMES OF 2014....and some other shit.

10. Shadow Warrior

So, like several of the others on this list, Shadow Warrior is an older game that happened to make its way to modern consoles this year, so technically that counts, right? Last year's revival of the "classic" 3D Realms shooter by Flying Wild Hog came out on the new-gen systems just a couple of months ago. With absolutely no hype or marketing, mind you. I've had an interest in playing this since I first saw it, so I picked it up as soon as I knew it was out. Surprisingly, this game provided me with one of the most satisfying shooter experiences in awhile. Where it falters in archaic level design that doesn't exactly feel that inspired by the era of shooters its based on, it more than makes up for with some of the most bloody, brutal, non-stop action you're likely to see in a shooter. It's a hell of a lot of fun, and translates shockingly well to a controller. Movement and combat are super fast and responsive. The weapons are a blast to use, and once upgraded, become ridiculous tools of mass demon murder. That quad-barrel shotgun with incendiary shells...oh yeah. It goes on for awhile, too. Maybe a little longer that it should. And the boss fights are kinda shitty. But I still couldn't put it down once I started, and for that, Lo Wang thrusts himself into my top 10.

9. PixelJunk Shooter Ultimate

The PixelJunk Shooter games are even older than last year's Shadow Warrior, but this year, they were released together as one continuous experience on PSN, free for PS Plus users. Never played them, barely remembered what they were all about, but they were free, so I thought I'd give them a shot. Sure glad I did! This really took hold of me in a new way. The fluid dynamics are an endlessly entertaining mechanic, and each level becomes more inventive than the last. I enjoyed this game enough to 100% it over a couple of weeks, and had a lot of fun doing it. And after all was said and done, I still longed for more. Aside from some infuriatingly bad boss fights, I found PixelJunk Shooter Ultimate to be an absolutely delightful experience, beginning to end.

8. Dark Souls II

Oh, Dark Souls, what am I to do with you? Right up front, I'll say that I did not finish Dark Souls 2. I didn't finish Dark Souls 1, either, but I put a lot of time into both of them. I promised myself I wouldn't fall off of 2, but I did anyway. Not sure why. I guess I just got to a point where I didn't feel like playing anymore. And that's sad, because I actually love both of these games. While I found Dark Souls 1 to be the better game overall, DS2 makes a lot of smart changes and improvements while still managing to keep its elements of wonder and ambiguity intact.

My favorite thing about Dark Souls 2 was the much-improved multiplayer component. Joining other people's games and having others join yours was immensely easier this time around, and I actually spent a lot of time playing co-op. Some say it cheapens the thrills of getting through Dark Souls, but you know what? Fuck that. Co-op in this game is really damn good. Some of the boss fights are almost designed for multiple players. At least that's what I told myself after dying to the Lost Sinner about 40 times alone. I ended up doing a good mix of the game by myself and with others, anyway.

Dark Souls 2 is a BIG game. Maybe a little too big, which would be my biggest complaint. Normally I wouldn't have an issue with something like this, but the game seems to start spreading itself thin after awhile, focusing on quantity over quality. It never becomes poor, though, and you can always play through the lesser areas with others to make it more enjoyable. DS2 is still a hell of a game at the end of the day, and while I'll most likely never find time to go back to it, I still have a great appreciation for it. And I DOUBLE promise I will finish Bloodborne. I swear.

7. Diablo III: Reaper of Souls: Ultimate Evil Edition

Now for the third older game re-released on new consoles. I can't resist a good loot game, and Diablo III is certainly one of the better options out there. It's the perfect kind of addictive, mindless chaos you need to unwind after a long day, or as something to do while listening to a podcast. I don't really know what else to say about it. I mean, it's Diablo. For a game with not a whole lot to it, mechanically, it has an undeniable draw with its multiple character classes to level up and its endless loot stream. The Adventure Mode is a nice addition to keep the ball rolling in a new way. Co-op is really great, too. I never get tired of seeing tons of high-level spell effects fill up the screen and eviscerating hordes of demons. Being that the game is so easy to pick up and play, this will be one I come back to time and time again, because it's unlikely I'll ever run out of stuff to do in it.

6. Geometry Wars 3: Dimensions

I actually wasn't expecting much from this, especially as a huge fan of the other two. The early footage I saw implied that this game went against everything that made Geometry Wars great in the first place. Thankfully I was wrong. Well, sort of. It takes the GW concepts and translates them to 3D arenas, as the name implies. It has more than a little in common with Super Stardust at this point, but you know what? It's still an insane amount of fun and just as addictive as ever.

The biggest addition is an extremely robust adventure campaign, featuring 50 levels, including boss fights. The adventure cycles through different game modes, both previously existent in the series and brand new ones, and each stage features its own gimmick. For the most part, I found the campaign to be excellent. Some levels are poor in their very concept, but a lot of them get very creative and are worth playing over multiple times. Also, 5 of the 6 modes from GW2 are included here. This game is $15, so between the campaign and classic modes, plus the multiplayer which I haven't really touched, this game is a hell of a value. My personal qualifications for this being a legitimate Geometry Wars game are that each play session ends with me screaming at the TV over cheap bullshit deaths, and Dimensions definitely did that. So yeah, this game is the real deal.

5. Strider

Did anyone expect Double Helix's reboot of this classic franchise would be as awesome as it was? Probably not. At most, I hoped it would be a moderately fun diversion. As it turns it, it was better than I ever could've hoped for. Excellent precision controls, blazing fast combat, tons of secrets, epic boss fights, sound design that is like crack for your ears...they really pulled out all the stops. I cannot express enough how great the game just feels to play. I never wanted it to end, but alas, it did, and I loved every second of it. It could've done with a bit more enemy variety, but that's the only issue I can muster for this fantastic game. At $15, it's a steal, too. If you have not played Strider yet, I could simply not recommend it enough.

4. South Park: The Stick of Truth

South Park games, and really licensed games in general don't exactly have a clean track record. In fact, their track record is downright filthy dirty. However, South Park: The Stick of Truth is a prime example of a licensed game done exactly right, and I do mean exactly. Closely collaborating with Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Obsidian created an honest to goodness fun little RPG wrapped in, hands down, the funniest writing I've seen in a game. Not constrained by the FCC's limitations of what can be shown on TV, I imagine there's very little that was held back for this game. In fact, there are a few parts that I was genuinely surprised they got away with. And it's mostly those parts that had me laughing so hard I actually had to pause the game and put my controller down.

The game part is pretty good, too. It's a relatively simple and basic turn-based RPG with some novel combat mechanics. There's side quests, bosses, loot, and all the other trappings one would expect, and it all works. The fact that the game is actually engaging and fun to play is almost like a bonus to it already being the perfect love letter to South Park fans. The game also replicates the shows look down to a T, which you wouldn't think would be that hard, but it hasn't been done before, and here, it's actually kind of impressive.

Sadly, there's not much replay value. The game's progression is pretty linear, and once you hear and see all the gags, odds are they won't be nearly as funny the second time around. But as a one-and-done deal, you would be hard-pressed to find something much better this year.

3. Far Cry 4

Yes, Far Cry 4 is essentially more Far Cry 3. But it's also some way better Far Cry 3. Far Cry 4 is the game Far Cry 3 wanted to be, but wasn't quite there yet. Most of the systems from FC3 are intact and improved, and there are some welcome additions as well, such as the badass vehicle takedowns. Oh man...those vehicle takedowns. All of the new tools and weapons the game gives you to play around with make for a lot of chaotic fun, along with the upgraded open-world dynamics. There is really no end to the amount of random, hilarious dumb open-world shit the game will supply you with. More bad guys in the world is definitely a start, but there are also more aggressive animals to intervene, and more ambient activities that pop up, on top of the already activity-heavy game world. There's seriously a lot of stuff to do in this game...way more than I remember FC3 having.

I'm actually still in the process of playing it as I write this, as my gaming time of late has been scaled back, but I've put a solid 30 hours into the main game, as well as spent some time playing the user-made maps in the new single-player mission editor, which I think is the best thing Ubisoft could've done with this customary mode. Needless to say, I love Far Cry 4 and am ready for more. Even if you're tired of the Ubisoft formula of climbing towers to reveal more of the map, or if you thought you'd had enough of Far Cry after 3, there is just enough fresh and new to FC4 that makes it more than worthwhile. It's the best Rambo simulator you'll find anywhere.

2. Alien: Isolation

Never in a million years did I expect a good game based on the Alien IP to come out, let alone one THIS good. I think, like most people that played this game, the first thing I noticed was how close to the Ridley Scott classic this game looks. It's pitch-fucking-perfect, and is one of several aspects of the game that has its roots deeply planted in nostalgia. Not only that, but from a technical perspective, there is also a lot to admire. It's a really, really gorgeous game. The attention to detail is almost scarier than the xenomorph, and the incredible lighting accentuates the mood perfectly. Alien Isolation is actually one of the moodiest and most atmospheric games I've played in years. The visuals and sound design work together in the best way possible to create a truly unforgettable experience.

On topic of the sound design, well, it's simply sublime. Not just because of the mesmerizing and evocative soundtrack, either. This game was made to be played with a good headset or surround sound system. Hearing the xenomorph crawl around in the vents above you is just about one of the most bone-chilling things you'll ever hear, then the loud thud of him landing somewhere around you is when your bowels will proceed to involuntarily empty right where you sit. Okay, maybe that's a little hyperbolic...but just a little. Still, this is one of the most legitimately terrifying and tension-filled games I've played in years and is proof that the horror genre is still very much alive and kicking. And as someone who doesn't scare that easily, that's high praise.

It's true that the game overstays its welcome by a quite a bit, especially considering that it gives away the majority of its mechanics not even half-way through. I only played the game at night though, and only had a night or two out of the week to play it, so it took me a couple of months to get through. Playing the game in smaller, spaced-out chunks like that made it much more palatable, and also made me more eager to come back to it each time. Alien: Isolation is not a game for everyone. It's hard, it's scary, it's pretty unforgiving, and it can be a slog if you try to tackle it in a short period of time. I've always been a huge fan of survival horror games though, and the game, to me, is the best modern interpretation of the genre I've seen to date.

1. Wolfenstein: The New Order

If there is one game this year that managed to activate all of my pleasure sensors simultaneously...and I do mean ALL of them...it has got to be Wolfenstein: The New Order. I've always adored the Wolfenstein franchise, and am really just a fan of WWII-themed sci-fi in general, and when I heard a bunch of ex-Starbreeze developers were making it, my expectations went through the roof. Seems like I was one of the few who had early faith in this title. So YEAH, in your FACE, doubters! This game kicks all kinds of Nazi ass, just as I knew it would from the start.

The New Order is a perfect blend of old-school and modern shooter conventions. The fast paced, gore-filled action in huge levels loaded with secret areas gave me an itch I just couldn't scratch hard enough. The gunplay is just so, so solid that the game is worth coming back to if only to blow fools apart again and again. An early mission that has you infiltrating a prison to rescue some captives contains a part where you sneak through a vent and end up behind a hallway full of Nazis. It is in this part where you first get the semi-auto shotgun, and catching the Nazis off guard as you blast them into oblivion, having them turn around only for them to realize how completely and totally fucked they are...well, that's maybe one of the most satisfying moments I've had in a game all year.

The level design overall is really great, with multiple routes to take, secrets to uncover, and optional stealth approaches that actually work quite well. Some missions don't really have any fighting, focusing on character development and exposition. There's a staggering amount of variety for a modern FPS. The story, unexpectedly, is also really well done. They manage to wring some serious drama out of the outlandish plot, and also give the legendary B.J. Blazkowicz a level of depth and humanity no developer of the series has previously attempted. No longer only a generic meat head killing machine, Blazkowicz ends up being someone you really care about the fate of by the game's conclusion. The biggest issue people seemed to take with the game was its contrasting tones, never settling on being fully serious or embracing the more ridiculous aspects. I do agree to an extent, but it does both well enough that it didn't bother me all that much. More than just an insane amount of simple fun, The New Order is a template that more developers should follow when making shooters.

Runner-ups: The Evil Within, Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel, Velocity 2X, Rogue Legacy, Outlast

Most Disappointing Game

Destiny

This isn't even a contest. Destiny was perhaps my most anticipated game of the year. Unfortunately, what was ultimately delivered as the final product is not at all what I felt the game was sold as. I got a peek at the strategy guide the week before the game came out, which confirmed all my fears on how big the game really was. Then I bought it and played it, and it turned out to be worse than I imagined. After shooting, defending, and square-holding my way through the game's "story", and spending some time getting one-shotted over and over in the crucible, any sort of of hope or enthusiasm I'd had dwindled away into massive disappointment.

After learning how the end game worked, I was just bewildered as to how anyone thought this design was a good idea, expecting players to grind for hours in the paltry amount of content the game offered, with little to no rewards along the way. And locking the best content the game has behind this huge barrier is somehow almost insulting. I gave it a shot, I really did, but I can only shoot at aliens named Doug for so long, and I eventually got fed up, traded the game in, and never looked back. My exact problems with the game have been stated time and time again by myself and many others, so I won't go into great detail. Bland mission design, boring and predictable loot system, no real narrative to speak of, and an overall severe dearth of content. There was no huge, sprawling universe full of endless opportunities waiting to be discovered and explored. The game is more lifeless than my dead grandfather. It's a shame, really, because the core of Destiny is very strong. The gameplay is rock-solid and a joy to control, but that was hardly enough to carry the dead weight of nearly everything around it.

Then seeing what Bungie expected people to pay for with the DLC...holy shit! The content in the base game was already indefensible, but charging players an additional $20 (price without the season pass) and then not even give them a real new area to play in. It's honestly pathetic. Destiny represents some of the shittiest business practices and some of the most bewildering and laziest game design in the industry. Not only is it my biggest disappointment of 2014, it's one my biggest disappointments of all time.

Best Game-That-Isn't-Really-a-Full-Game-But-Technically-Still-a-Game...Game.

P.T.

I couldn't in good conscience put P.T. on my main list, replacing a full product that wasn't given away as a promotional teaser. That said, P.T. is fucking great. A genuinely unsettling horror experience not like anything I've played in quite awhile. Everyone by now knows that it was really a teaser just to announce a new Silent Hill game (by none other than Hideo fucking Kojima, Guillermo del-fucking-Toro, and starring Norman fucking Reedus), but as it's probably not representative of what that game will actually be, P.T. stands on its own as a one-of-a-kind experience. What it does share in common with the SH franchise, at least, is a mysterious plot with esoteric storytelling and puzzle design, all dripping with notably unnerving atmosphere. You don't really see design like this anymore, which is something I really miss. Granted, the solutions to certain sequences in P.T. are REALLY out there, and I wasn't ever able to get the ending to trigger, but I love seeing this kind of creativity nonetheless. Between this and Alien: Isolation, horror gaming got an unexpected and much-needed kick in this ass this year. If you own a PS4 and haven't played P.T. yet, go do it. Right now. Unless you're reading this during the day. Then wait until the sun's down.

And that's a wrap on 2014! I ended up playing quite a bit more this year than I expected. Even in lieu of so many big titles not turning out to be that great, I still had a stupendous time with games, probably more so than I had anticipated. 2015 is already shaping up to be pretty crowded, and some early showings of anticipated titles have already created an air of skepticism around them *coughTheOrder:1886*, but the year still shows immense promise and potential. Forward Go!

I can count on one hand the times I've discussed Brave Fencer Musashi with someone. It's sad, really. I figured if there was one place anyone would have any reverence for this game, it would be Giant Bomb. Much to my dismay, I was apparently wrong. COME ON, GUYS. Where is the love? It wouldn't bother me as much if it wasn't such a fantastic game, but it is. So leave it to me, because I'm going to discuss the shit out of this game right now and school you fools.

Like the game I previously blogged about, Parasite Eve II, Brave Fencer Musashi is a PS1-era Squaresoft game. For someone who wasn't into RPG's as a child and cared very little for most of Square's output, some of their more nontraditional releases from that era really stuck with me (Einhander is definitely on that short list, but I sadly never played that much of it). Brave Fencer Musashi is another one of my all-time favorites, despite having never finished it until recently. I've been wanting to write about it for awhile now, and when I finally decided to, I realized how much I really wanted to go back and play it. It's been, oh....probably at least 12 years since I last gave it any attention, if not more. So I dug out my PS2 (I think my PS1 is long gone) and the game, wiped some seven-year-old unknown sticky crud off my old DualShocks and fired that bitch up.

I guess Brave Fencer Musashi was supposed to be Squaresoft's "Zelda killer" at the time. It obviously didn't penetrate the market like Zelda had,but you know what? I think this game wipes the floor with the sorry ass of any Zelda game. That's right, I said it. Okay, in all fairness, I've never been much of a Zelda fan, not that I really have anything against them. In fact, I don't think the series was even on my radar back then. It certainly does share some distinct similarities to the Zelda franchise, like an overworld with areas that require certain items or powers to access, but it doesn't exactly lift the entire Zelda formula wholesale.

As for the story, it is very loosely based on the real-life Japanese samurai Miyamoto Musashi, who was known for his excellent swordsmanship. The character name is about all the game takes from the true legend, though not being a Japanese history buff, there are probably some other references that flew completely over my head. The plot of the game has a kingdom in peril, under attack from the powerful Thirstquencher Empire. A child version of the legendary Musashi is summoned from another dimension to save Allucaneet Kingdom via collecting five elemental scrolls with crazy powers and infusing them into a magic sword called Lumina. Like I said, I'm no history buff, but I'm like 99% sure that didn't happen in real life.

Good thing I did decide to play it again, because although I remembered a staggering amount of things about it, even parts that I had only ever played through once when I originally got to the end of the game all those years ago, there were more than a few things I probably would've overlooked and kicked myself for later. What I was most worried about, though, is that I was viewing the game through rose-tinted glasses and couldn't remember whether or not I just loved it as a kid and it wasn't an objectively good game. Somewhat shockingly, it still holds up quite well. That was a sigh of relief. Most of the things I liked about it back then I still like about it now. Other parts...don't get by as well. But I think of this game as having a mildly retarded child; it mostly performs well and is very likable, and will occasionally do something stupid like walk head first into a wall, but I love it unconditionally and forever.

Lemme give you the goods first. What stuck in my head most about Brave Fencer Musashi since it came out in 1998 is almost everything but the game part. Not that playing it is bad by any means, but it has a very cutesy anime look to it that I still find irresistible to this day. The art design is colorful and vibrant, with many of the human characters having a slightly chibi-ish look to them in-game (their concept art is more traditional), without the big dumb heads. Even some of the enemies are adorable, but the bosses usually look as badass and intimidating as they ought to. This mix of designs never clashes as the overall art direction is very cohesive.

And if the art isn't charming enough, how about the fact that many of the game's locations and characters are really food-related puns? Allucaneet Palace, Thirstquencher Empire? Princess Fillet, Steward Ribson, Mary-Nade? Imagine me repeatedly nudging you with my elbow, asking you "D'ya get it?!" Some of you may roll your eyes at this, but the game is so committed to this stupid joke that it's endearing. I mean, the castle taste-tester is named Salmonelli. That's too great not to like. Much of the game is voice-acted, too, mostly the main story beats. The voice acting is...I don't want to say good, but it's not terrible either. Okay, some of it is, but it really just feels...appropriate. I honestly couldn't imagine in any other way. The dialogue can be bizarre and is often campy, but is almost always delightful. Really, you can't get any better than this:

Also, the Wolverine himself, Steve Blum, is in this game. I was blown the fuck away when I suddenly recognized his voice for a character that appears early in the game. It's weird coming back to this game so many years later and having that hit me.

The cast of characters is interesting, to say the least. Musashi himself is a bratty, cocky know-it-all kid. Playing as him isn't nearly as bad as it sounds, I promise. Playing as a kid with a shitty attitude that must face insurmountable odds over and over is actually kinda funny. The rest of the cast runs the gamut. There's your wise, bearded sagely old man, a simple-minded muscle-head bouncer, cowardly knights, brave mercenaries, etc. There's a slutty waitress at the diner who clearly wants to bang the shit out of Musashi, who, might I remind you dear reader, is probably around 12 years old. I also suppose Brave Fencer Musashi could be considered a very progressive game for its time, as it is insinuated that the blatantly gay librarian Scribe Shanky is in a relationship with another man. But then again, Shanky is portrayed as being so ludicrously and stereotypically flamboyant that somebody somewhere is bound to be offended. I just find it funny. In the end, all of the characters come together to create a great sense of community and world that was comfortable to be in.

Oh, how foolish of me. I haven't mentioned the soundtrack for this game yet. Holy shit, it's so good. Like, really, incredibly good. For me, it's as big a part of the game as the gameplay. This music has been ingrained into my soul. Every last composition perfectly sets the tone for the epic adventure it accompanies. One of your main goals parallel to the main quest is to rescue the 35 castle residents that have been captured. One of my favorite parts of returning to the game was learning that each time you rescue one of the castle musicians, another instrument was added to the castle theme song. As if it couldn't get any better! Seriously, go check out the OST.

A few other little touches go a long way in adding to the game's personality. One of the coolest things is being able to go to the toy shop and buy action figures of the game's enemies and bosses. Then you can take them back to your room and play with them, or you can choose not to open them and keep a pristine collection. It's totally incidental to the rest of the game but awesome nonetheless.

So obviously the gameplay is pretty important, as well. It's real simple and doesn't always work the way you want it to, but gets by with the novelty of its few systems. The basic combat of your two swords (Fusion and Lumina) is fast, sometimes kinda finicky, but usually satisfying. One of the biggest draws for me, especially when this game was new, was using the faster sword, Fusion, to 'assimilate' abilities from enemies. Playing it again now, I realized it wasn't as dynamic as I had remembered, as many of the abilities are used to traverse specific environmental obstacles or solve puzzles. I still think it's pretty neat, though. The other, heavier sword is Lumina. It's a key piece of the game's story, and as Musashi gathers the five scrolls, Lumina is infused with their elemental powers. This is really where the Zelda-ness comes through, because the abilities you gain from the scrolls allow you to progress through dungeons and defeat big bosses.

The game is way more of an action/platformer than an RPG. You do still gain experience levels and increase the power of your weapons, but the focus is definitely on jumping around on moving/collapsing/stationary platforms and killing dudes. The game gets quite of bit of mileage out of its gameplay, though, as it has you doing all sorts of video-gamey shit and it never really gets old. The boss battles are still pretty great, if not mostly kind of easy (until the last few, at least). Many of the main ones follow the rule of 3's, though the more skill-based ones are definitely the most fun. There are only two or three real dungeons in the game, and they're not super-inspired but they are certainly welcome in the context of the rest of the game. Environmental variety isn't a problem. Forests, mines, ice fortresses, flying sky bases, ancient underground ruins, the game has it all!

That latter location is part of what is maybe my favorite part of the game. In the third chapter, the town is overrun by zombie-vampire hybrids - called 'vambees' appropriately - and it's up to you to find out where they're coming from. They only appear starting at midnight during the game's day/night cycle and clearly wander out of the village diner/bar, but to ridiculously contrive things, even when you go in there to check it out, you can't actually do anything about it until you have evidence. Anyway, for a game that's kinda super-cute and charming, the vambees walking around the town at night is a little unsettling, despite the fact that neither you nor they can deal damage to one another here. Eventually you discover the ruins hidden beneath the bar, and then you go down there and kill vambies, solve puzzles, go bowling, kill a boss, yada yada yada.

I think the game does a respectable job of mixing things up, as each section of the game tries to set you up with unique puzzles or set-pieces. It keeps things fresh, for sure, but sometimes they don't work. And other times, they REALLY don't work. The raft ride down a river or obnoxiously long mine cart ride come to mind, but they are nothing compared to the infamous Steamwood section. Well, it's infamous to me. About an hour or two into the game, steam starts appearing around the town, and you learn that Steamwood, a facility that, I dunno, provides steam to the village I guess, is about to shit the bed and blow up the village if you don't intervene. You have "24 hours" to fix it, which is actually about 12 minutes in real time. What follows is painful series of stressful mini-games connected by what should be very simple platforming. And if you mess up or don't finish one of the mini-games, odds are you will have to do them all again from the beginning.

Sweet tits of Mother Mary, this part was designed by complete and total assholes. It's so easy to mess up and is the prime example of the wild difficulty spikes in BFM. This segment is what kept me from progressing on most of my playthroughs when I was kid. There's a very unpleasant kind of sphincter-clenching tension that it provides. Good thing you only have to do it once OH WAIT YOU HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT? Unfortunately for me, I had fully forgotten that they make you do this utterly fucking rotten bullshit again hours and hours later. If there's one blemish on what I think is an otherwise wonderful game, this is it.

The end of the game is where things get truly batshit crazy. The final chapter consists of an exhausting gauntlet of combat, puzzles, and boss fights, one of which is a dancing rhythm mini-game that only comes out of absolutely nowhere. When I originally played this game, I had only made it to the end once, but never finished it. I didn't remember much about it, so after finishing it I loaded my old save and remembered it was the second-to-last boss that thwarted me. Not this time, asshole! I'm older and better at video games now! Anyway, there's a particularly awesome and extended combat sequence near the end that allows you decimate all matter of robo-knights, laser-trees, ED-209's and Contra doors with some mighty-powerful weaponry. It's exactly the kind of power fantasy the game needed before the final confrontations.

Eventually I made it to the final boss, which I had never seen before. As one might guess, it had multiple forms. The first form you don't fight, just run away from. The second was dead simple once I figured out how to cheese it. The third and final form was a bit more devious, but after an intense fight I killed that bitch with just 16 health (or one hit) remaining. As I struck the final, triumphant blow, I let out a cheer and a massive sigh of relief. I really, truly beat Brave Fencer Musashi. It was like closing a chapter of my life that had been open since 1998.

One of the reasons the game means to much to me is because of how it came into my collection. I rented it once or twice when it came out, but didn't come to own it until a couple years later. In 2000, at the age of 11, I came down with pneumonia, which in turn lead to the discovery of a grapefruit sized tumor inside my chest cavity. Of course, it required surgery to remove. This was undoubtedly the scariest part of my life. One of my cousins offered me any video game I wanted while I was in the hospital, and I asked for Brave Fencer Musashi. After the surgery, I received a smattering of gifts, one of which was BFM packed in a big white, cushioned envelope. I was so happy to own it. Finally finishing the game nearly 14 years later gave me a weird sense of closure and reminded me heavily of the game's role in my life.

Sorry for getting so touchy-feely for a moment. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Brave Fencer Musashi was and still is a totally rad game. When Square announced a sequel for the PS2 in 2005, called Musashi: Samurai Legend, I was excited beyond words. It even came out on my birthday! I should've known, though, that it wouldn't be what I wanted. The sequel isn't really a bad game. It has some neat boss fights and more RPG elements, but has nowhere near the same feel of the original. I booted it up after finishing the first to refresh my memory and see if I could get into it again. I played about an hour and decided that's all I needed to remember that the combat is very, very repetitive in the beginning and that the voice acting and dialogue is almost unbelievably horrid, and not in a fun way.

For as many parts as it pulls from other games, I still feel like Brave Fencer Musashi is one-of-a-kind. The pleasant atmosphere and colorful cast of characters mixed with the diverse level design and the combat mechanics lift it beyond being just a Zelda clone. It doesn't hit every mark, and even sometimes makes me want to shatter the disc into pieces out of frustration, but I'm confident saying that it's one of THE BEST GAMES EVER...according to me.