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I Love You But I've Chosen Points

Points-mocking Flash game forces achievement-enthusiast to reflect on entire existence.

AVOID SPIKES
AVOID SPIKES
I suppose it says something about me that I keep getting instant messages from various friends that say "HEY HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FLASH GAME ABOUT ACHIEVEMENTS?"

The game, called Achievement Unlocked, is a clever meditation on the pointlessness of points, packing 100 achievements into a game about an elephant... who jumps around... and colors the stuff he touches. It's sort of like a ghetto version of Miner 2049'er, but the metagame is the real game.

The achievements are appropriately ridiculous, with on-screen pop-ups telling you that you've "found the main menu" or found "a way to move westward." There's even a hint page that tells you how to get all the achievements... aaand there's an achievement for viewing the hint page, too. The real game is seeing how quickly you can bust out all 100 of the goals. I think my best time was 365 seconds.

The crazy thing is that it totally works. It's a proper mix of stupidly easy goals and weirdly obscure stuff that you'll probably have to look up. Even as I knew my occasionally creepy love of points was being mocked, I still felt that I had to get them all.

Then I realized that this wasn't an Xbox Live Arcade game, and that playing it wasn't getting me any closer to 70,000. Still, it's a solid piece of humorous commentary on the points craze that has emerged over the past few years.

Check it out at Armor Games. Oh, and watch out, because the music will get stuck in your head. I keep humming it, and now it's spread to Ryan and Vinny, too. It's a good thing Brad is already out for the holidays. He's safe... for now.
Jeff Gerstmann on Google+

47 Comments

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Geno

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Edited By Geno

Took me 30 Minutes first try ><

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ssargentshooter

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Edited By ssargentshooter

GOT THEM ALL!!! :)

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lamegame621

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Edited By lamegame621

I can totally stop anytime I want.

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Duckbutter

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Edited By Duckbutter

before PS3 trophies and before i had an Xbox, i thought achievements earned you discounts on DLC. when i found out they didn't i said "whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?" how pointless. i understand achievements add more 3rd-legs to a game but i hope the video game culture in general ain't replacing more game content with achievements. i'd hate to see a good idea be used as a crutch for lazy ass uninspired non-improvising sucka ass developers.

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Chopstix

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Edited By Chopstix

WOOHOO! 313 sec... errrr......... is this coming to Xbox Live Arcade anytime soon?

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albedos_shadow

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Edited By albedos_shadow

I refuse to acknowledge my problem. I can stop anytime I want. Seriously. I could.

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Media_Master

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Edited By Media_Master

o' boy, hearing of peoples point scores and trophies gets tiresome...

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hazzard4123

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Edited By hazzard4123

284 seconds. Phew. That was intense

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Light_Bahamut

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Edited By Light_Bahamut

After a couple of run throughs, I got my time to 247. It's actually a very fun game if you race the clock.

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sweep

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Edited By sweep  Moderator

365 seconds? One second for every day of the year.

Creepy...

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Wright

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Edited By Wright

randomly call brad, hold the phone to the speaker playing the song for about a minute, then hang up.

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StarFoxA

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I started playing and then couldn't stop until I accidentally quit Firefox.

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toadstule

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Pretty fun timewaster.

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Relys

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Edited By Relys

I thought the game was fun...

Did I just defeat the whole purpose of the point the game was trying to get across?

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PitifullPete

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Edited By PitifullPete

how the hell do i change color?

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pikadeth

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Edited By pikadeth

Once upon a time Jeff seemed so far beyond me. Now I'm within 10k of his score and all he has to show for it is this site!

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StaticFalconar

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Edited By StaticFalconar

stop mocking us.......lols

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dsplayer1010

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Edited By dsplayer1010

I ha like four left, then got bored.

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Karmann

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Edited By Karmann

AH! GOT 100%!, ...what a waste of time. hehehe.

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FalcomAdol

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Edited By FalcomAdol

YES! .. but I've Chosen Darkness.

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MordeaniisChaos

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Edited By MordeaniisChaos

Jeff. I have decided you are the most appropriate entity to have my child. You have the achievement winfulness gene, the only gene of winfulness I don't have. Together, we shall forge the perfect child who just happens to have about 10 winjillion achievement points. And several creepy passions. If you choose not to accept however...
Well...

Lets just say you accept.

Also, lol. Its pretty hard o.o Like, getting 10 corpses in the pit...

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jakob187

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Edited By jakob187

I would suggest that everyone checks out Hunted Forever if you haven't already.  That game is a great time-killer as well.

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Kiemoe

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Edited By Kiemoe

I've been addicted to Newgrounds lately, and this game has been one of them that I loved. Achievements make me feel dirty..

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TomboDemon

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Edited By TomboDemon

i couldnt move my elephant....

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darthzew

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Edited By darthzew

Wait a second! Elephants can't jump! 

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jakob187

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Edited By jakob187

I'm gonna play Doritos: Dash of Destruction tonight for points.  Jeff, there is absolutely NO shame in being a points whore.  You know that.  Unfortunately, I've got a lot longer to go before I start getting close to you or even Vinchenzo.  However, I'm about to break 17k...and man, Banjo is so much fun!


You forgot to mention how fun Banjo is, Jeff.  That should be, like, a required thing...that you guys have to find a way to mention Banjo in a relative manner in EVERY story until the end of the year...lol.

Alright, stalker mode off.  -_-
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sparky_buzzsaw

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Edited By sparky_buzzsaw  Online

I'm sorry... Jeff, did you say getting closer to 70,000?  Holy balls... and here I was all proud about getting over 6,000!

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TwoOneFive

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Edited By TwoOneFive

im more into trophies now. they seem more...meaningful to me. 

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Edited By Lies

Pretty fun. Neat idea.

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OneEyedNinja7

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Edited By OneEyedNinja7

It was pretty fun. My time was embarrassing though.

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rateoforange

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Edited By rateoforange

This is pretty dull, and it's predicated on one joke that's crusty, ancient, and not all that funny to begin with. It's the flash game version of a full-length movie based on a SNL skit.

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Edited By ThomasP
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sdauz

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Edited By sdauz

idk achievements can be fun to get and the sign on the dashboard is ohhh soo satisfying to get, sadly im still at 3500

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Snail

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Edited By Snail

The meaning of life, 42.

WIN!

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AURON570

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Edited By AURON570

haha, Armor Games is awesome! i encourage everyone to check out their 2-D flash version of Portal.

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insane_shadowblade85

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Points, Trophies or whatever else is out there, it's all pointless.

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Death_Burnout

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Edited By Death_Burnout

Haha seems awesome, i'll try it for sure. I'm not surprised you like it, even if it is slightly mocking you.

And Brad is never safe!...wait...no, he's always safe! Brad's Brad!

Edit: yeah that was fun

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SuperMooseman

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Edited By SuperMooseman

Did in 712 seconds on my first go.

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TheKing

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Edited By TheKing

Finished in 1164 seconds. I'm not sure if I should feel proud or ashamed...

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DECA555

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Edited By DECA555

wow surprised to see this mentioned 

i just discovered it on newgrounds, logged on to GB and her it is 

strange 
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artofwar420

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Edited By artofwar420
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MisterSpiffy

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Edited By MisterSpiffy

Did you just beat it?  Or get all of the achievements?

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MattyFTM

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Edited By MattyFTM  Moderator

I saw this the other day. It's an awesome idea.

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Edited By Crono

ohh this is awesome idea, funny too!

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TheGTAvaccine

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Edited By TheGTAvaccine

Yep, played and beat this yesterday. Fun stuff.

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MasterSplinter

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I played Doritos Dash of Destruction last night for points... I feel sick.

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jeff

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Edited By jeff
AVOID SPIKES
AVOID SPIKES
I suppose it says something about me that I keep getting instant messages from various friends that say "HEY HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FLASH GAME ABOUT ACHIEVEMENTS?"

The game, called Achievement Unlocked, is a clever meditation on the pointlessness of points, packing 100 achievements into a game about an elephant... who jumps around... and colors the stuff he touches. It's sort of like a ghetto version of Miner 2049'er, but the metagame is the real game.

The achievements are appropriately ridiculous, with on-screen pop-ups telling you that you've "found the main menu" or found "a way to move westward." There's even a hint page that tells you how to get all the achievements... aaand there's an achievement for viewing the hint page, too. The real game is seeing how quickly you can bust out all 100 of the goals. I think my best time was 365 seconds.

The crazy thing is that it totally works. It's a proper mix of stupidly easy goals and weirdly obscure stuff that you'll probably have to look up. Even as I knew my occasionally creepy love of points was being mocked, I still felt that I had to get them all.

Then I realized that this wasn't an Xbox Live Arcade game, and that playing it wasn't getting me any closer to 70,000. Still, it's a solid piece of humorous commentary on the points craze that has emerged over the past few years.

Check it out at Armor Games. Oh, and watch out, because the music will get stuck in your head. I keep humming it, and now it's spread to Ryan and Vinny, too. It's a good thing Brad is already out for the holidays. He's safe... for now.