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HS21

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Adventures in Being a Private Eye (Bed, Bath, Beyond & Cocaine)

By HS21 50 Comments

After that whole fiasco with the dame and the nipple clamps I realized that being a private eye wasn't the most lucrative career path for me. I still have the thirst for a case and eking out the truth, that hasn't changed. Only now I work nine to five eking out great prices on beddings, bath towels and kitchen electronics. I suppose it is fulfilling giving people great deals with low prices on anything from bath soaps to kitchen tiling but there's a part of me that just yearns for something more. Just a few weeks ago I considered myself a private eye but now I'm employee #214263 at storefront #0313. Looking back on my days as a private eye I find myself wondering if I ever really was one. Not a single case for months on end and when a beautiful broad walks into my life and from her lips I hear the sweet song of a case what did I do? I kick her in the stomach and tell her to get the fuck out. 

I know its no use dwelling on the past so I concentrate on the job at hand. Its 10 to 11, I'm working the night shift and I'm closing up. I head into the locker room at the back of the store, put on my coat and fedora just like Bogart would wear and just as I'm closing the padlock (A red elephant, the trunk is the bolt and it goes through his two big ears to lock) to my locker I hear the warehouse door open, the one used for loading merchandise off of trucks and into the store. I'm the only one in the store and that's the way it should have been for the next nine hours. Deliveries of stock usually come in on Saturdays, today was Wednesday. I remain in the staff room and listen. 
I hear the sounds of footsteps emanating from the warehouse and into the store. The sound of a man laughing then glass breaking on the floor quickly followed by the voice of another man, "Keep fucking quiet". The laughing man responds, "Who cares? This place closed up an hour ago we're fine, let's get the gear". Alright, so maybe I was supposed to close up at ten and not eleven, so I fell asleep, that staff room couch is unusually comfortable. I approach the staff room door and crack it open just the slightest. Now I can see the two men, they appear to know where they're going, they're heading straight for the beddings. 
They stop at the royal navy blue duvet covers. They're luxurious duvet covers set with a crisp, clean design that offers elegant simplicity to your decor. The solid color is a great way to revitalize the look of your bed. 100% cotton satin,400 thread count. Machine wash. Imported. Fucking beautiful. Now they're taking them, one under each arm and returning to the loading bay at the back of the store. I remain in the staff room. I watch them repeat this process 5 times, they've cleaned out our entire stock of royal navy blue duvet covers. I was planning on getting a set myself on my next paycheck. Utilizing my employee discount what would normally cost me $64.53 with tax would only cost me a cool $50. Those cunts. 
I hear the sound of an engine being turned on and I realize they're leaving. I move quickly out of the staff room and approach the doors leading into the loading bay in a sort of crouched sprint. I see a black beat up pickup truck beginning to pull out of the loading bay and into the back alley of the store. The loading bay doors are closing and I run for it, I make it under with the doors just a couple of inches above my head and closing. The alley is full of potholes and the truck is moving slowly. I'm able to run up behind the truck and climb in. From all the bumping around I bite my tongue as I'm climbing in. The pain is excruciating but the fall into the flatbed of the truck is broken by those beautiful duvet covers, which although covered in a protective plastic casing so that you can take home your purchase unscathed, was still quite comfortable. 

The truck pulls a right and we are now in the streets. The back window of the cab of the truck is slightly open. From inside I can make out the conversation between the two men, laughing man is in the passenger seat and asks, "You know where you're going right? We can't be late with this shit". 

The irate driver responds, "Yeah I know, we'll get the blow there stop worrying".

"Why does this guy put his gear in duvet covers? What's with that?".

"Well, compared to a little Puerto Rican boy's asshole this is probably less of a hassle".

 "More hygienic too".

"What do you know about hygiene?".

"Fuck you". 


 Asterisk or Puerto Rican Boy's Asshole?
 Asterisk or Puerto Rican Boy's Asshole?


My tongue is bleeding and has gone numb, I've just found out that the Bed, Bath and Beyond that I work at is a front for cocaine smuggling, I have no idea where I am or where I'm going and I'm going to miss 'Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia" tonight. I hate hump days. 
50 Comments

SCP 11 - Drunk Irish Man in Russia & A Miserable Scouse Bastard

By HS21 58 Comments

I was on a podcast with the guy in the backseat

  
   
This is a half sober cast full of  screw tops, not entirely altruistic donations to the Japan relief, old women's arms that feel like lizard's skin and pillows in between your legs. Steadily dying on the inside and host of the podcast Jazz is joined by drunk and rambling DeadGlove, apathetic, skinny jeans wearing HandsomeDead, hype securing Fwylo, staple vending Arab_Prince & Sudoku spectator HS21. 
 
   
Ask us a question for the podcast at  www.formspring.me/HS21       
Download the podcast here. (Right Click -> Save As)    
58 Comments

Shadowy Cabal Podcast - Ep 10 - Just The Right Amount of Gay

By HS21 49 Comments

I was on a podcast with George Michael

 
   
So we recorded a podcast last week but due to technical difficulties completely out of our hands (Forgetting to hit the record button) we've lost that. Have this one instead! Arab Prince makes his debut on the podcast along with handcuff fetishist and host Jazz, nursemaid Deadglove, lobster sub connoisseur Fwylo and Shakeweight authority HS21.  
  
  
  
Heavy Dragon Age discussion and crazy Chechen stories abound. The intro music was made by one of our very own duders Nivi. You can find his thread here. 

Ask us a question for the podcast at  www.formspring.me/HS21       
Download the podcast here. (Right Click -> Save As)
49 Comments

Blog. Blog. Blog.

By HS21 15 Comments

15 Comments

Things Happen Differently In My Head.

By HS21 55 Comments

 Have you ever fucked up before? I have, quite recently as a matter of fact. It wasn't my first fuck up, but looking back on my previous fuck ups I'd say that this fuck up was particularly, well...fucked up. In the interest of not giving "The Fuck Song" by Limp Bizkit a run for its money, I'll just refer to it as an eff up. Looking back on my previous eff ups they're really not all that bad in comparison to the one that inspired this blog post. Harmless things really, things like these for example: 
 

  • Using only peanut butter in what was intended to be a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I effed up.
  • Putting my arm through the hole where my head goes in a shirt when I tried to put on a shirt? I effed up.
  • Letting my friend use my laptop without clearing my browser history? I effed up.
  • Lighting a "Where's Waldo" book on fire with a lighter I stole from my dad because I couldn't find Waldo during recess in the 5th grade. I effed u...actually no I think that one was justified.    
  • Getting mad when I see that all the pants at Baby Gap only have 2 legs, then I realize, "Wait, I have 2 legs, its cool, stop throwing a tantrum in the store" I effed up.
 
Honestly I'd rather relive each one of those eff ups a thousand times over in some sort of sick, twisted Groundhog Day version of my life rather than continuing to live in a world where I committed my magnum opus of eff ups. I realize as I'm writing this that I'm putting off actually telling you what happened, I guess I'm reticent to relive the memories so soon after the fact. Just three days after the fact actually. It starts with a girl, and ends with me in a stranger's backyard covered in vomit that wasn't my own.   
 
   
 Natalie. Her name is Natalie and we were heading to her house after class. It wasn't her house, she roomed with three other girls but she told me the house was supposed to be empty all afternoon. It was a fifteen minute walk from campus to her place and we talked about boring shit like our classes and assignments that we have coming up. If it wasn't clear yet, I like this girl. At the time I wasn't sure if she was into me as well, but presently? Chances are nil. But I'm getting ahead of myself, we get to her house and head up to her room to study. Studying really meant procrastinating and that day procrastinating meant watching movies.  
 
Halfway through "The Goonies" she mentions that she forgot to feed her roommate's dog and heads downstairs. She comes back a few minutes later covered in mud, the smell catches up with her and its clear that its not mud. "That fucker's been playing around in his own shit again, he jumped all over me when I went out to give him his food, I need to jump in the shower". The rest of this scenario plays out like this in my head, "Do you need company" I ask her. She replies back in a low, sexy voice, "The more the merrier". In reality it played out like this, "Do you want me to pause the movie" I ask her. She replies back in a nasally voice since she's now plugging her nose due to the smell, "Nah, I've seen this like 10 times, sorry about the smell of asshole in here".    
 
  
 So she's in the shower and Chunk is doing the truffle shuffle and that's when a (in hindsight, terrible) thought comes to me. "A totally hot girl is standing naked just ten feet away with nothing but a door and a shower curtain separating you from her". I tiptoe out of the room, go to the bathroom downstairs and flush the toilet. In my head the rest of that scenario played out like this: I run back into the room and she bursts out of the bathroom because of the scalding hot water, she's had no time to grab a towel and she's standing in front of me completely naked while Sloth struggles to get a chocolate bar while chained to a chair on the T.V. Our eyes meet and the raw sexual energy that's been building up for the months I've known her bubble up to the surface and we just go at it like rabbits. Our glorious orgasm is punctuated by Sloth's screams for joy when he finds out that Chunk's family is going to adopt him. Here's how it really played out:   
 
  
 Halfway up the stairs I hear a scream. As planned. Then I hear the sound of a shower curtain being ripped from the rod. Not planned. Then the sound of a loud thud and something hitting the floor with force. Definitely not planned. I reach her room and the door is still closed. I hear no sound other than the shower still running. I knock on the door, "Are you alright in there? Nat?" No response. I try to open the door, its locked. Inspired by countless movies where the hero knocks the door down to save the woman trapped inside I attempt to do the same. Except I didn't feel like a hero, I felt like Jack Nicholson trying to kill Shelley Duvall in "The Shining". I get inside, look down on the floor and my stomach feels like its turned inside out.  

    
There lies Natalie, on the tile floor, somewhat tastefully covered by a fallen shower curtain. Above her is the porcelain toilet with a bit of blood on the rim. A thousand thoughts flood into my head. Do I give her CPR? I don't know CPR. Do I call 911? What do I tell them? I should tell them the truth right? This was just an accident. The onslaught of scenarios being played out in my head was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening followed by the laughter of women. Her fucking roommates were back. "Nat, you home?" says a voice from downstairs. I'm frozen. I hear footsteps on the stairs, coming closer, they're in the hallway now. I am frozen. The roommate walks in, we haven't been introduced before, she looks appalled. I am frozen.  
 
"Melanie, call the fucking cops!" screams the woman standing in the frame of the broken down door. There I was, in the bathroom with her slightly bloodied and unconscious roommate on the ground and me sitting over her. I can understand how it looks. "No, no, no, this isn't, I'm actually a friend of hers, I jus...", my attempts at explanation are interrupted by the pepper spray assaulting my face. My eyes are on fire, my nose is filled with snot and I can't breathe. I try to talk but all I can do is choke on my own saliva. Then I feel Natalie moving, thank God I think, she can tell her that I'm a friend. Natalie lifts her head slightly, she looks confused, she looks up at me and proceeds to violently vomit all over me.
  
  
 
I get up, tackle the roommate aside, and with blurred vision find the window in her room. I open it, climb out and fall hard onto the grass of their backyard.  Through the buzzing in my ears and the pain radiating throughout my body I can make out the sounds of growling. Slowly getting up I see a rottweiler staring me down, teeth bared. With the assistance of the rush of adrenaline provided by being sized up by a dog known for eating children's faces off I run to the fence of the backyard, climb over it and repeat this process until I'm about 3 or 4 houses down. And that's how I ended up in a strangers backyard, covered in vomit and ready to pass out. I effe...ah fuck it,       
 
I fucked up.
55 Comments

Shadowy Cabal Podcast - Episode 7 -French Klingon

By HS21 45 Comments

   I was on a podcast with Jimmy Wales

 
   
Bateman is dead. This week's guest is straight from Denmark and contributing another accent to the already incomprehensible podcast, ZeForgotten. He joins the regular crew of host Jazz, stuntman and the guy that edited this episode TurboMan, McDonald's connoisseur Deadglove and three time Oscar nominee HS21. I realized something while typing this up, every week we only get questions from ZombiePie because every week I forget to ask for questions. Leave a question in this blog or here so we can read it on the next podcast before somehow diverging the conversation into Russian economics and housing. 
 
 
  
 
 Here's what went down this time:
  
  • Nathan Drake trips on Salvia
  • Everyone's been playing Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood
  • Deadglove goes back to Assassin's Creed 2 before jumping into Brotherhood (Wants a jewel game budgel)
  • Russians go around wearing fur coats and going to raves all the time
  • Deadglove's Róisín Murphy concert experience
  • Pac-Man Championship Edition DX. No one can beat HS' score because he is awesome at everything ever.
  • ZeForgotten drops in to provide the podcast with a new accent, straight from Denmark
  • Jazz likes Vanquish and not being able to jump
  • Nier has incest and corpse eating babies. Video games. 
  • We continue to talk about TurboMan's drumstick signed by Billy Ray Cyrus
  • Deadglove sends in a CCCP hockey jersey and the comments on the Tony Hawk Shred Quick Look explode with stupidity
  • Pokemon trading drama
  • VGA's are shit. Getting better?
  • The importance of vibrations
  • Quincy Jones' performance in Arkham Asylum 

  • ZombiePie question corner which includes:
   -Racist Korean accents    
  -Jimmy Wales masturbatory fantasies 
  -The Twitter messages of Bree Olson  
  -French Klingon 
 
  • Deadglove killed his fingers with "climax mode". Video game or furious masturbation? 
  • 2 half potatoes for iPad
  • Brief GOTY discussion
  • Captchart
 
Download the mp3 here. 
Download the Ogg Vorbis format (half the size)  here.
45 Comments

Adventures in Being a Private Eye (With no Previous Experience)

By HS21 65 Comments

Drops of water assaulted my window, there was a storm raging outside and it was wetter than a teenage girl on the opening night of a Twilight movie. Six months, six goddamn months of sitting behind my desk, waiting for a case that never comes. I'd given up on looking forward to a job landing right on my lap, the only thing I did look forward to anymore was a hot cup of chocolate delivered to my office by my secretary. I can never call her that in person though, mother said that that's "Fucking stupid" and proceeded to splash me in the face with the mug of hot chocolate still in her hand. Shit was hot.  
 
I can't wait to put this whole town in my rear view, start up a new life somewhere more promising. But to do that I'll need money, and to get money I'll need a case, and cases just don't come my way. Cragislist you useless mother fucker, I should be swimming in murders, stolen family heirlooms and cases of mistaken identity by now. Instead my inbox is filled with requests like: 
 

  • Wanted: Male & Male, no touching just watching
  • Wanted: One male (20's to 30's) to watch 40 year old married couple water their dog
  • Looking For: Narcoleptic midget to help struggling actor rehearse lines preceded by doing lines of cocaine
  • Wanted: 2nd Gen Ipod Nano
 
Its been difficult being a private eye, to say the least. It doesn't help that everyone I know does not support me in my endeavours. I've been hearing the same things constantly, "Get a real job, you know, one that actually pays?", "When are you going to move out and give your poor mother a rest?", "You are 27 years old, grow up". I used to be able to ignore them, but lately the voices have been getting louder. Maybe its time I dropped this gig and moved on with my life. I have skills, its not like I'm completely inept. I mean, how hard could it be to watch people "water their dog"? Thinking on it, that's probably code for some perverted sex act, I really shouldn't expect anything less from Craigslist. A "2nd Gen Ipod Nano" is probably what they call a pound of yayo in Florida or something.  
 
Just as I begin doubting myself and my ever dimming future as a private eye, the unexpected happens. Bursting through my door was a beautiful red head, legs that went on for miles, lips that screamed seduction and eyes that seemed to pierce right through me. This was it, I always imagined it happening like this but I never really thought it would. This broad had a case for me and I was her man. Finally, I'll have something to bite into, prove to everyone that they've been wrong about me, show them that I am somebody, that I'm capable and that I don't need them.  
 
I stand up from my red elephant bean bag chair, "What's the matter hun?". She steps closer, she looks distressed, her hands are shaking as she brings them up to my face, "Please, please God help me. Its...its my boyfriend". I immediately lose a lot of interest in her, but I keep listening. "I think someone's taken him! We were in bed one night, fooling around, and when I woke up....when I...when I..." I slapped that bitch so hard in the face that for a second I thought I knew what the big bang sounded like. She turns back to me, "Thank you, I needed that. When I woke up he was gone, and I found this in my bed". 
  
She holds up her hands into the light and in them were....something I could not describe. "What is this?" I asked her. "They're nipple clamps, you've never messed around with them before?" Not wanting to seem inexperienced I reply, "Yeah sure, a few times, these people on Craigslist like to pl...never mind all that, whats that in the clamps?" She begins to lose her composure again, "They're...they're....they're his nipples! They must have torn the clamps off before they took him, oh God, oh God, are you going to help fi..."  
 
I kick her in the stomach and as she keels over I tell her to get the fuck out. That shit's messed up. Maybe I'll get a job at the Bed Bath & Beyond. 
65 Comments

Shadowy Cabal Podcast - Episode 6 - Beat the Cold War Dragon

By HS21 42 Comments

I was on a podcast with Gary Coleman & a Mogwai. 

 
     
Hey. This is a podcast, sometimes we talk about video games. This week it's host Jazzpap,TurboMan, Deadglove, HS21& guest Fwylo. The video game talk is 48 minutes in if you'd like to just skip to that part. Otherwise listen to us ramble on about Gary Coleman, secret Nazi plans to unearth a dormant dragon and Darth Maul kick flips, etc. 
  
 
  Link. 
 

 

Vidya Games 

 

 
Right Click --> Save As to download.
42 Comments