By Video_Game_King 57 Comments
( That's right, I'm doing my own GOTY blog, just like every other person on the planet.) But as you should know from last year's blog, I like to create my own wildly insane categories, mainly because you don't need to know what I consider to be the Wii GOTY (it's probably Super Mario Galaxy 2 or Fragile Dreams, by the way). However, last year, somebody used the comments to be a dick and call me out for my randomness. To them and all who agree with them, I suggest you direct all complaints to fuck you. However, I do listen to your stupid complaints, and have made the awards more relevant by basing them all on jokes I've made in previous blogs. I will also be giving out lifetime achievement awards, for no reason. Anyway, since I'm gonna pass the limit of a four line introduction, let's get on with the show!
from my Chronicles of Riddick blog
( Who the hell said that the blog had to be written this year?) You and your expectations; they will be your downfall. Anyway, let's get this out of the way right now: Seisen no Keifu gets the lifetime achievement award. OK, we good? Moving on, there wasn't a lot in this year that screamed GOTY to me. That's not to say that this year sucked, but I only came up with four things, and one of them is the game I constantly find myself defending. Sadly, though, Final Fantasy XIII does not get the coveted GOTY award; instead, that goes to Super Mario Galaxy 2, the sequel that knows how sequels should be done: make the first game better. And damn, was Super Mario Galaxy 1 already awesome.
from my Klonoa blog. And the depths of Hell.
( Let's get this out of the way, too: Cyborg Justice gets the lifetime achievement of Suck.) I only capitalized the Suck because that's the only thing you need to remember about the game. Speaking of suck, I played a lot of shit this year. And it wasn't just unexpected shit, like The After Years, or Caravan Heart; no, I played games I knew would suck, like Superman 64, Packy and Marlon, and Ecco the Dolphin. Yet none of them hold a candle to Dudes with Attitude. At least the diabetes blog was fun to write; summoning memories of Dudes with Attitude made my brains bleed out my nose. How do you sleep at night, Dudes? HOW CAN YOU SLEEP, KNOWING WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!?
predictably from my Mach Rider blog
( Lufia 1 gets the lifetime award thing.) Also, I realize that this particular award still has nothing to do with what's being awarded, but can you think of something average that would work as a funny award? Exactly. There's only one thing harder than that, and that's actually finding a game that can fit this award. Do you know how many forgettable, average games I play? A LOT. That means I have to go through each individual blog and pick the most average, least memorable of them all. However, I won't do that; instead, I'll just give it to the surprisingly unambitious Singularity. Finally, we have relevance.
from my Trip World blog
( Hey, you know what else populated this year rather heavily?) Unlikeable characters. Things started off with Snow from Final Fantasy XIII practically rolling around in his douchery, but I can't give him the award. Why? He actually became a likeable character. Same goes for the bitch named Lightning. Oh, and Gillian Seed, even though he believes that sinking pizza marks the end of Neo Kobe. I'd also like to give it to Yuko of Valis fame for never learning when to shut the hell up (or anything else, really; she is an idiot), but there are bigger buttholes in need of plugs. Specifically, Spongebob. How can anybody like him? Oh, right, the lifetime achievement thing. Might as well give that to the anti-gaming movement for the anti-intellectual attitudes. Also, I give the lifetime achievement to anybody who doesn't know what the word "anti-intellectual" means.
from my After Years blog
( Despite the title of that award, I doubt that salve could fix all the following.) I'd mention After Years, but that should be fairly obvious by now. What shouldn't be obvious is that Romancing SaGa and Persona 1 also get mentioned. Hell, they even manage to fuck up in the exact same ways, like being too open-ended for their own good, and the stupid formation crap. However, there are more broken games out there, and Oblivion gets the award for those invisible bears outside the starting city. The lifetime achievement goes to all my "equipment", which has, at one point or another, crapped itself out. My laptop, my Internet, my Wii, my emulation tools, and I'm sure something else I haven't named yet.
Do I have to say it, you dumbass?
( I really wish Red Dead Redemption was more disappointing than it actually was.) I have this cool picture I was going to use for t-fuck it, I'll use it anyway. Now as should be obvious by now, disappointing does not mean bad. Hell, ODST was disappointing in that I actually ended up liking the game. However, a lot of the games were ones I actually didn't like. The After Years tried to destroy the Final Fantasy name, and Caravan Heart made me question all I love about the Dragon Warrior Monsters games. So I guess I have to give the award to obscure JRPGs in big-name franchises. OBSCURE JRPGs in big name franchises. The lifetime achievement for disappointment goes to Earth, because you continually disappoint me. You are the very definition of an Idiot Ball, especially since you guys think I'm ripping off Hailinel's joke, even though I wrote this LONG before I actually posted it.
from my Phantom Brave blog
( This might seem a bit odd, but look at all the crap I've done this year, and you'll see a ton of delays.) First there was my laptop fucking up, leading to several blogless weeks. Somehow, though, I was able to get the limited edition Reach quests. Suck it, those unfavored by Lincoln! Who's awesome? I'm awesome. Then came Phantom Brave, which got a minor delay. Why'd it get the name, then? Because "Laptop Haiku" isn't as easy to Photoshop, is it? However, neither of these get the award. That honor goes to Wii Sports Resort, which took me almost a year to beat. However, I've seen worse; the Lifetime Achievement goes to Seiken Densetsu 3, which I remember taking me at least a year to beat due to sheer laziness.
from the ODST blog not many people read
( That would probably make an awesome desktop background if I made it in a higher resolution.) Hell, it'd make a cool profile background if I wasn't too lazy to design a new avatar and profile pic, as well. Anyway, I know that this is going to be hell to decide, since it means I have to sift through every single blog I've written this year. Fuck. However, there is one rule that makes it slightly easier, maybe: it has to be a single video. No collections of them, like Nostalgia Chick/Critic or Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged, despite the high amount of all three that I've watched this year. With that said, I determine this to be the winner:
As for the lifetime achievement, I decided to award it to the weirdest Asian country out there. You see, all year, I've been allowing Asian countries to compete for the title of Weirdest One. Japan can do whatever it wants, but entered with this; Russia joined the party with Kapitan Pronin and all its insanity; South Korea turned pizza into a dance, somehow; and Britain, despite being told that it's not Asian, submitted this. So who won? Oddly enough, America:
( It's hard to top weirdness like execatives, but I think I found a way.) Hooray for me, for I won't be here for this segment. Instead, I'll let Bushwald Sexyface himself do the honors and probably miss the entire point of this award thing. *switches over to Sexyface* Why, hello there. Now, the first matter of business is this lifetime achievement dealy, which I humbly bestow upon yours truly. Few can claim to be sexier than I, and even fewer have preached the word of the sexy. What have you folks done to celebrate the sexy? As you know, I celebrated my night a little while back, and I'm giving that holiday exactly what it deserves: one of these King bloke's awards. It's not like the fellow's been playing anything really sexy this year.
from a wall conversation between myself and AjayRaz. Also, my Evil Zone blog.
( Look at that, I'm a prophet!) He completely missed the fact that I played Cho Aniki, Prince of Persia, and Super Mario Bros. this year. I think. Of those, none of them get the award for best blog. Odd, since this was a fantastic year for blogs, if you ignore my thrown-together-at-the-last-minute Christmas blog. There's the diabetes one, my Persona blog, Wii Sports Resort, and a whole bunch of others I won't name. Instead, I'll give the award to that diabetes one for making me an expert in diabetes, and the lifetime achievement goes to Oscar Wilde if he promises to grow a mustache.
from too many goddamn places
( Like the video thing, I actually have a rule for this.) That rule is that the WTF moment must be from the game itself, so Klonoa, Tactics Ogre, and Persona are eliminated. That said, this year's been trying really hard to be batshit crazy. We start off with Pepsiman, a game about a soda superhero, and then transition into one huge source of crazy: Fragile Dreams. Being the combination of existentialism and Yu-Gi-Oh ( some proof), I first saw a contender for WTF in the form of Chickenhead, a combination of robot, chicken, hobo, merchant, and terror. The scary part? He is growing stronger. (Appreciate that joke, for I had to go through Nickelodeon's ridiculously unintuitive video system to make it possible.) This is when 2010 stepped things up and threw the crazy at me rapid fire. Phantom Brave tries on some pedophilia; Evil Zone makes no sense; LSD is oddly tame, somehow; and Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days scares the shit out of me with Xion's gender-bending madness. However, in the end, there is only one clear winner: Cho Aniki, a game that's more crazy than it is homosexu-
Chi....Chickenhead....I thought you died. I saw you die!
What is this? What are y-
Stop it. Get out of my games, you monster!