Go! Go! GOTY! ~Day Six~ (Magicians & Looters)

Day Six

As suspected, I wasn't too far away from the end of Magicians & Looters. It's perhaps a bit shorter than your average SpaceWhipper, even including its peers in the traditionally lighter Indie market, but that also means it doesn't overstay its welcome either. My opinion on it hasn't shifted: It's not particularly remarkable in any way, besides splitting the hero into three separate protagonists with their own separate strengths and weaknesses that are subsequently suited for different parts of the game. Beyond that, it's just a fairly solid SpaceWhipper with everything you could ask for. There's trinkets, hidden areas, new equipment and abilities in hard to reach places, backtracking when a new power is unlocked and some well-balanced boss fights. The player grows stronger by finding XP Orbs, rather than fighting enemies (which just awards money), and these orbs are all hidden away in each area. The game does tell you how many there are to collect, though, and also tells you which region each piece of missing equipment is. It manages to reveal enough without revealing too much, fortunately, as these items can still be tricky to find even if you've narrowed it down to a specific region of the game.

Vienna forever.

Likewise, the consequences for getting yourself killed are very fair. Whenever the player character is defeated, all their gear flies out of them like a Diablo character (and a musical sting plays that is more or less a sad trombone), though the player actually only loses a small percentage of their cash. Because gold is an infinite resource it's never the end of the world, and there's plenty of hidden caches and loot chests to ensure a thorough player isn't a little short when shopping at one of the game's many vendors. The player is also kicked back to the last save point, but their collectibles/map progress is retained. They can also warp to any region once they're a high enough level, so the end-game backtracking dash for 100% completion isn't too obnoxious either.

The presentation isn't much to write home about (though I did find the music catchy enough, excepting perhaps the final dungeon's dubstep) but the core is solid and sometimes that's all that matters in a SpaceWhipper. No trapping collectibles in areas you can't return to, no weird difficulty leaps, no overlong backtracking, no entirely incongruous tower defense RTS sequences, and really no amateur errors in general that often plague Indie additions to this genre. I can respect a well-made game, even if it doesn't offer a whole lot new to its genre's formula or has much in the way of fancy visuals or trenchant wit.

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Go! Go! GOTY! ~Day Five~ (Magicians & Looters)

Day Five

Morgopolis Studios's Magicians & Looters is essentially the archetypal Indie SpaceWhipper. The humble SpaceWhipper, so maligned by the major studios that the two namesake examples are either on ice (Metroid) or have transmogrified into a regrettable series of God of War clones (the other one), is a genre most beloved by Indie developers after tower defense, first-person multiplayer survival-crafting-whatever-the-hell-that-whole-shebang-is-called, anything zombie-related and parody simulators. Oh and Indie platformers that aren't SpaceWhippers but have something to do with gravity or momentum in some way.

All right, so SpaceWhippers are still fairly rare even among the Indie crowd. It's a good thing, then, that Magicians & Looters can join the likes of Valdis Story: Abyssal City and Dust: An Elysian Tail and Aquaria as the newest example of an Indie exploration platformer that took several years for a small studio to develop. While a bit rough around the edges and not particularly remarkable graphically-speaking, the three distinct protagonists and its dumb sense of humor are at least promising, and I've been having enough fun with it so far to keep going. I have no idea how much more of it is left to go after the point I'm at, but it's far exceeded what meager expectations I had. Honestly, I just grabbed it out my library because it was a SpaceWhipper released this year and I need to keep this feature going for another two weeks. Integrity, I have it.

I like the talking cat. He gives me new abilities. The apprentices don't question it and I don't either.

I'll go into more detail tomorrow, when I'll have perhaps completed it, but for now I'll just bring up the basic plot and the three main characters. The trio are apprentices at an exclusive floating school for talented wizards, though neither of three are particularly serious about their courses. In fact, they're pretty much typical detached teenagers who begrudgingly get involved with saving the teachers at their school after it is raided by the titular Looters. Nyn is a dual-wielding warrior who uses dodge rolls and slides to boost her martial prowess; Brent is a guy with a shield, and perhaps the one who takes his wizardry studies most seriously; and Vienna is an incredibly fast monk and gymnast who seems to have the lion's share of the exploration-enabling powers endemic to this genre. She's also my favorite. The three protagonists have slightly different experience trees and abilities, and only two can equip weapons (Vienna's fists are all she needs), but the most striking difference is the abilities they find. Nyn's slide, Vienna's high-jump and Brent's wall-jump all give them exclusive access to certain areas of the map, so the player is expected to switch between them fairly regularly. Unfortunately, it means going back to a save point each time, rather than the on-the-go swapping of something like Portrait of Ruin.

Still, Magicians & Looters is a competent Indie SpaceWhipper as far they go, and I'm happy to stick with it for the time being. Its silly humor is a darn sight more palatable than that of UnEpic, the last parody fantasy game I played in this genre. Let's hope this one doesn't end in an interminable tower defense sequence too.

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Go! Go! GOTY! ~Day Four~ (Tesla Effect)

Day Four

Phew, this one comes in right under the wire. Turns out, this game was a little bigger than I anticipated, though perhaps "bloated" is more the word. I'm afraid to say that my opinion on Tesla Effect has worsened now that I've played it all the way through to the end. It's still a great adventure game, and the scenes with FMV actors are as fun as they were from the offset, but the game suffers from a lot of weird pacing and scale problems past the first few chapters and seems to have carried over some of the excesses of the FMV generation.

Let's start with the pacing problems. Tesla Effect takes place in a few venues, one of which is Chandler Street: Tex's home and that of a bunch of colorful locals who usually have something piquant or sardonic to offer to the current mystery Tex is working on. This street, though it becomes very familiar as the game continues, is where the "asking NPCs questions" side of the game comes into focus, and for as largely empty as the street is it's fun to stroll around badgering the neighbors and collecting information. The other venues are, I suppose, what you'd call "instances" or "stages": self-contained areas of little narrative importance beyond the chapter you're currently playing (if you ever return to these places, it's usually just to talk to an NPC). There's usually one big puzzle to solve there, often involving a set of collectibles necessary to move on with the plot, and a bunch of secondary puzzles which usually lead to one of said collectibles. It's a tad formulaic, and some of the puzzles aren't quite as fun as they could be. Instead, we get the same bunch of Layton/Mensa also-rans that pop up frequently in any adventure game from the FMV generation onwards, some completely incongruous stealth and laser-dodging sequences (fortunately neither are particularly tough) and, though I hesitate to say anything about the finale, a difficult and excruciatingly precise timed puzzle to cap the game off. I sorely wish Tesla Effect could've played to its strengths more and focused on the NPC interrogations. Not with LA Noire's half-baked "human lie detector" routine, necessarily, but something akin to that perhaps. You know, detective stuff.

A safety warning typed up by super geniuses at the Nicola Tesla super genius enclave. Albeit, super geniuses without a spellchecker. Though to be fair to them and their present issue with giant death balls of plasma, they may have been in a hurry.

The scale of some of the areas, too, can be a bit of an issue at times. One of the late-game locations, a giant abandoned hi-tech facility, has about an acre of empty rooms, test chambers, reactors and an enormous atrium, but you're usually just solving one or two inventory puzzles per each of its four floors and were it not so gigantic you'd be done within fifteen minutes. As it is, the items and hotspots are so spread out that you're spending an hour simply exploring the place. Maybe it's verisimilitudinous for this facility to be big enough to house a hundred people, given that they bothered to install all these impressive fixtures and a nuclear reactor, but it's still a chore to sift through the dozens of rooms for collectible objects needed for a puzzle.

Speaking of which, I've got nothing against collectibles (quite the contrary, in fact) but the game seems to lean on item hunting a little too often. I very much recommend switching the difficulty to "casual": even if you don't intend to use the hints provided on this easier mode, the player's torch will generate a sparkling effect on any item in the environment the player can collect, even through drawers and cabinets the player can interact with. When it comes to finding tiny keys and other smaller objects lying in the dark, the feature is invaluable for saving time.

So Tesla Effect has its problems, on top of those inescapable ones that come with being an FMV game. Maybe dumb Mensa puzzles and silly action sequences were trademarks of the Tex Murphy franchise, I wouldn't know as a series novice, but they don't seem like a particularly good fit. I'd still recommend Tesla Effect though; I enjoyed its writing and acting, its near-future setting and crazy ideas, its charm and chutzpah, and... well, you simply just don't see this type of point and click adventure game around any more.

Maybe with good reason.

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Go! Go! GOTY! ~Day Three~ (Tesla Effect)

Day Three

Confession time: I've never played a Tex Murphy game, at least before today. I dropped out of adventure games around the advent of FMV and needing multiple CDs per game, and even though the Tex Murphy series are generally regarded as some of the few good ones (though perhaps still stricken with the same abstruseness that briefly put the adventure game genre on ice), I've never gone back to check them out. I actually bought the whole set in a GOG sale some months back, so it's perhaps sheer bone-idleness. Anyway, the point of this pre-amble is to say that Tesla Effect seems very much a game built to appease its pre-existing fanbase, which has lead to some bemusement on my part as a Murphy neophyte.

In a sense, the statement that the game is made specifically for current Tex Murphy fans is literally true, being the result of a successful Kickstarter driven by deeply nostalgic crowd. The game itself makes numerous references to both the Kickstarter campaign that allowed it to exist (though in the usual peripheral metaphorical way, such as a set of mugshots in a burned down building) and Tex's many past adventures, as he'll occasionally find some artifact from a previous game and have it switch to a "flashback" mode that plays back that game's FMV in as high a quality as the developers can manage from the source footage. Even without the direct flashbacks, many of the game's legacy characters make a return, and there's plenty of references to their shared history with Tex.

The game has a lot of great looking FMV too. It'd have to, with a 16GB install.

In a sense, this is both exclusionary and cozy. The world feels lived in, its characters having been developed through multiple adventures and appear in this game fully formed. Tex Murphy's actor Chris Jones, who is also the series' long-time director and formerly of Access Games, has an easy familiarity with the role and its tonal swings from serious noir gumshoe to goofy, pratfalling adventure game hero. It sort of feels like coming to a TV show several seasons in, when you can appreciate how it now runs like a well-oiled machine but sort of wish you could go back to its awkward early days just to be there on the ground floor. Something I fully intend to do with Tex Murphy as soon as I've completed this new one.

Beyond that, I'll have more to say about the game once I've seen it to its conclusion, hopefully tomorrow. For right now, that I'm actually eager to see more of it should be proof enough that I think it's pretty great so far. Sharp and funny script, well acted (for an FMV game) by a cast of actors and mostly actors fine with being dolled up in absurd prosthetics, never too perplexing and even has a collectible side-quest. I love those!

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Go! Go! GOTY! ~Day Two~ (OlliOlli & Mind: Path to Thalamus)

Day Two

  • Game: OlliOlli
  • Source: The Humble Indie Bundle 13
  • Started: 02/12

I definitely like the idea of OlliOlli, Roll7's Indie throwback to the glory days of skateboard simulators, in which the player's sk8r av8r performs tricks with the merest of button taps while rolling down a 2D side-scrolling course filled with steps, grind rails and other skating game fixtures. It's streamlined in such a way that many of even the more complex tricks require simply performing some variant of a hadoken maneuver with the analog stick (or the D-pad in my case, if we're doing fighter game gestures anyway). The key is to land these tricks accurately, however, which involves pressing the lower face button on your preferred controller just before hitting the ground, which is easily forgotten in the heat of the moment. Any combos that the player pulls off are greatly devalued if the landing isn't performed correctly, generating a "Sloppy!" exclamation and a score that is several magnitudes smaller than it may have otherwise been. Conversely, pinpoint accurate landings (both on the ground, and when crossing to a rail) greatly boosts the player's score instead. Most skater games ask that you risk the most daredevil flips and kicks and holds and then simply land them satisfactorily for the points they accrue, while OlliOlli demands that landing the trick is everything and the rest might as well be showing off.

Pictured: Someone way better at this game than I am.

I feel this philosophy, and the analog stick-focused control scheme in general, is more an homage to EA's Skate series rather than to Neversoft's Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. It's easy to mistake OlliOlli for a game based on the latter, given its vaguely cartoonish presentation (one that reminds me a lot of Semi Secret Software's Canabalt, or Konami's Tomena Sanner, which are other endless runner types with pseudo-rotoscoped faceless protagonists, albeit ones in sharper suits), but its emphasis on meticulousness firmly puts it closer to the "simulation" side of the skateboarding genre scale (the other side possibly labelled "fart jokes, Bam Margera and hassling vagrants for some reason"). As someone who didn't particularly care for either Skate's focus on realism (excepting any mission that involved hurting yourself for money) nor its weird stick-flicking ollie controls, that antipathy has passed over to OlliOlli in turn. Maybe we'll see a true pretender to Tony Hawk's Pro Skater crown further down the road, but it's unfortunately not here.

Goddammit, I just want tricks assigned to face buttons and manuals on the D-pad, and maybe not to fall over so much. Is that so wrong? Then again, I'm someone who still thinks the best racing game ever made is Diddy Kong Racing, so I appreciate that not everyone shares my viewpoint on any genre that involves wheels.

  • Game: Mind: Path to Thalamus
  • Source: Remute's "Rewind Your Mind" bundle (Groupees)
  • Started: 02/12

If Jazzpunk was a first-person adventure game that was a little out of the ordinary, Mind: Path to Thalamus is quite usual indeed. One of the more recent entries in an endless series of thoughtful, narratively dry and absurdly picturesque "walking simulators" evidently inspired by ancient forerunner Myst, Mind: Path to Thalamus has you walking around locations of natural beauty while solving general environment puzzles involving spheres and mirrors. Specifically, a neuron-shaped ball is necessary for a lot of the game's puzzles, as they can be placed in areas where the game shifts in some way: whether that's spreading out a thick gaseous barrier to make it passable, or making it night so certain hidden details become apparent in the moonlight, or making it rain to raise floating wooden bridges. Finding these neuron balls and the right place to put them makes the meteorological shift permanent, and is the impetus for much of the early game. Well, with the exception of a neat reflection puzzle involving mirrors that was shown off in the game's Quick Look that occurs before the title drop.

It's very pretty, I'll give it that much. This is in-game, by the way, not some random artwork.

Unfortunately, and maybe this is an issue specific to this not particularly great office PC and underwhelming computers like it, the sphere carrying element can get awful glitchy. Frequently I'd find myself moving faster than the ball I was holding, letting it simply drop to the ground until I hit a glacial pace that allowed me to hang onto it. Add to that the game's apparent lack of a run button and you have a game that's far less palatable than it should be, especially when it makes its various zones so unnecessarily expansive. I can understand that a leisurely gait is preferred in these meditative first-person adventure games where you're delving into the trauma of a lost loved one in some metaphysical and highly symbolic realm, but it sure does get tiring if you're spending an hour trying to complete a puzzle you figured out 57 minutes ago.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to relegate this one to my "Not On This PC" folder on Steam, reserved for games I feel I can't do right by with the hardware I currently have. A particular puzzle early on involving carrying the neuron balls across precarious underwater platforms is frustratingly impossible with the juddery awkwardness with which my computer runs the scenario. It might get better later on, but considering how grating the lead character's occasionally awful delivery can be as he narrates his deep musings while throwing brainballs around, I'm going to surmise that I'm not missing out on some vital last-second GOTY list entry.

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Go! Go! GOTY! ~Day One~ (Jazzpunk)

I've not been keeping up with new releases this year. Some, sure, but not nearly as many as I would prefer, and as a result any big end of year GOTY blog from yours truly is going to look rather tumbleweed-y as of right now. Which is why I'm replacing the usual December Desura Dementia series with Go! Go! GOTY!: a title derived from present front-runner for Indie Game of 2014 Go! Go! Nippon! ~My First Trip to Japan~ (please note that this is a facetious accolade).

The purpose of Go! Go! GOTY! is to play through as many of the 2014 Indie games I have sitting in the various libraries of digital distribution clients in a desperate bid to fill out an eventual "GOTY 2014" list. The list itself, and the comics-"enhanced" awards blog that accompanies it, should be up around the 20th. At least, that's the date I'm aiming for, and when Go! Go! GOTY! is expected to conclude. After that, I'll almost certainly be too busy with Christmas stuff to worry about a daily series.

Every day of Go! Go! GOTY (I am already regretting that name) will contain a summary of whatever I've been playing over the past twenty-four hours. I hope to complete as many of these games as possible, but given I have at least twenty and maybe more to come if I keep buying up bundles, I suspect an equally large number will see a few hours of playtime and be disregarded in lieu of more pressing fare. Games I actually manage to complete will obviously get a more detailed appraisal.

So without any further ado...

Day One

  • Game: Jazzpunk
  • Source: Humble Indie Bundle 13
  • Started: 01/12
  • Ended: 01/12

Starting gentle, and with one of the more pressing items on the ol' Steam backlog, we have Necrophone Games's Jazzpunk, a first-person comedy adventure game. No doubt you've seen the QL for this game already (or have had plenty of time to check out the game yourselves), but to explain Jazzpunk succinctly would be to take something away from it. You are essentially tasked with completing a minor adventure game puzzle tangentially related to classic espionage tropes in order to complete each of the game's four scenarios, but it's rarely that cut and dry. The game is filled with incidental interactivity, side-missions, places to explore and dumb jokes to laugh at. There's references, satire, puns, slapstick, scatological and every other humor type under the sun, so chances are if one joke fails to land there's another just around the corner that will fare better. Personally, I found the hit/miss ratio of the jokes in this game to be unconventionally weighted towards the "hit" side, which is fairly notable when most video game humor is either kind of flat, forced or just dumb. And not necessarily in the fun non-pejorative sense of calling them dumb.

Man, so let me explain the three seashells (a reference everyone but Dan Ryckert will get).

Obviously the natural ancestor of Jazzpunk would be the absurdist and joke-laden LucasFilm/SCUMM graphic adventure games of old. You could go even further back, with comedy text adventures often penned by Douglas Adams, but Jazzpunk and the SCUMM games are a largely visual medium with fewer moving parts than the entire English language to build jokes from, which makes it that much easier for its designers to anticipate the player's actions and set up jokey conclusions in advance to cater to every possibility the player might devise. Most everything in Jazzpunk can be interacted with to some extent, though the player is generally limited in what they can do in the pure puzzle game sense. There's usually only a handful of items the player picks up, and most don't serve any additional purpose besides the core one it was built for.

That said, Jazzpunk does find time to insert plenty of additional "gameplay", for those desperate for more of it. Interludes like a hacker-based version of Frogger, a pizza survival horror, a microbiotic Space Invaders, a wedding-themed multiplayer shooter (named "Wedding Qake") and other allusions to classic games can be found by poking around a little, and "poking around a little" might as well be the game's mission statement. There's also a story, of sorts, so it isn't entirely just a series of unconnected non-sequitur scenarios where you run around degaussing pigeons, poisoning cowboys or tossing a red bandana, sais and a pizza onto some poor sea turtle on the beach. Like Gone Home, a motivated speedrunner could probably beat this within a few minutes (but hey, they could do that for the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time too). But like Gone Home, the appeal is definitely in exploring a bit and getting absorbed in the atmosphere (and humor, in Jazzpunk's case), however, and I thoroughly enjoyed my time with it.

It's worth going all around the world. It's pun overload. Watch out for the ominous "The Cube", sitting out in the Pacific Ocean.

Given what else I have on this list, I'm guessing it can only go down from here. Join me in finding out, won't you?

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Dark Souls II: Bosswatch (Part 2)

Hey all bearers of curses both belligerent and numerous, and welcome to part two of the Dark Souls II Bosswatch, wherein I commentate on the various boss encounters in From Software's newest in their series of masochism simulators. We left off last time with the defeat of the Lost Sinner and the acquisition of the first of the four Great Souls, necessary (well, only kinda, it turns out) to unlock the next part of the game, and a lot of grousing about how similar a lot of these bosses are. The ones that look like big dudes with a sword, specifically. I surmised last time that such encounters were the unfortunate result of it being the early game, where they wanted to impart the values of defense, evasion and choosing one's moment to strike, and didn't want to throw off new players with too many awesome 50-foot-long dragons and Cthulhoids just yet. We'll see if that theory pans out.

There are spoilers here for the majority of Dark Souls II; at least in terms of what you can expect to see, if nothing too concrete about a narrative thread just yet. I'm also going to start speculating on lore a bit more here just to keep things interesting. Given how sparse it apparently is, I'm hopefully not going to be too far off what the YouTube Lore groupthink has already come up with.

No-Man's Wharf

No-Man's Wharf is sort of like this game's Blighttown without the horrible venomous swamp at the bottom (which got transplanted to Harvest Valley, it seems) considering all its rickety bridges and enemies popping out of hiding places. It's also oppressively dark too, but I fixed that with one of these Pharros' Lockstones I keep picking up that turned all the lights on. Having zero trouble with the enemies in this region (the only tough ones are scared by the light), I proceeded to effortlessly clear the level and reach the dock at the end, when something made me slip and fall off to my death. This is already after meeting the NPC that trades souls for useless/duplicate items, so I had quite the number on me at this point. I bet you'll never guess what happened to me on my way to collect them. They really ought to put up some railings or something...

Flexile Sentry

Hey, getting tired of all those big knight bosses that either hit slow and hard or hit fast and frequently? How about a combination of the two? The Flexile Sentry are a pair of warriors apparently tied at the hip (I thought that was just an expression), who alternate being the aggressor depending on how often you try to get behind them. Honestly, that the fight is taking place in the hull of a pirate ship is kind of more exciting than the fact that it's another big sword dude. Well, half of this boss is a sword dude, the other being a club dude. (Fortunately, they both count as the same entity as far as a health bar is concerned.)

It's an interesting twist on the usual tactic of trying to circle around and flank a larger, slower enemy, but not so interesting to distinguish it from the game's many other bosses with a similar approach. As for immediately after the fight, I took a boat to a new location, got all excited and then... nope. Lost Bastille again. I guess this was the other way to get there? So that's two paths from the start I've been hopping between, getting a little further with each, and they both lead to the same dungeon and Great Soul. Dammit. Might see what that giant pit back in Majula's all about...

Executioner's Chariot

Now this is more like it! It ends with another deliberately-paced battle of picking one's moment over and over, again, but at least the build-up is something different. It's also the most obnoxious boss battle we've had so far, seemingly Dark Souls 2's equivalent of the Bed of Chaos or Dragon God puzzle boss, but I guess you can't have everything.

The Chariot boss fight requires that you head down an arcing corridor that constantly has this demonic unstoppable chariot racing through, sort of like that matador black velvet painting-inspired stage in Psychonauts. There's also a dozen skeletons, and two necromancers that keep bringing them back. As you head further down the corridor, you have to deal with more skeletons on top of the chariot and any necromancer that might be nearby. It is extremely easy to get yourself overwhelmed here, and I must've died around 20 times just on this part. Add to that the 20 times I died even getting here thanks to some asshole mummy ninjas and a black phantom that was guarding the fog door. Even coming back after I'd passed through Huntsman's Copse way earlier (this boss fight is on the way to the Skeleton Lords) didn't make it any easier. Of course, once you've beaten the necromancers and have raised a portcullis to smash the chariot, it becomes the aforementioned tank boss against the demonic horses that were charging around. The relatively tight corridor makes it tricky to maneuver, but it's the same boss fight again. Circle, avoid, block and hit when the enemy's stuck in an animation for an attack that you're outside the range of.

Shaded Woods/Ruins

I liked this area, for as familiar as parts of it were. From Majula, you can pass through another exit once you've brought the luckless pyromancer vendor lady back to life and have access to a lever she was blocking. It then becomes a three-way split, two of which are blocked but clearly lead to somewhere interesting further down the road, and the last to a misty forest. This misty forest immediately recalls that annoying part of the forest in Dark Souls I where there's a bunch of NPC humanoids who fight like phantoms. 50% were invisible in that game, which has been raised to 100% for this foggy copse. It's a little harrowing, and kind of a neat departure. Your options are to hug a wall and look for a way out, or to try to face down enemies you can't even see who all have the power to sneak up behind you and backstab you. I opted for the former.

After this forest comes a relatively small area full of tough leonine axemen, an enormous basilisk and these tittering curse jars that sap you with a nasty status effect if you get too close. Well, nasty if you aren't going through the whole game Hollowed like I've been doing. I rescued some kind of Painted World of Ariamis crow lady here, met a depressed Dumbledore (Grumbledore?) and stopped hitting a friendly scorpionman long enough to hear what he had to say about the next boss.

Scorpioness Najka

The bastard daughter of Quelaag and Gwyndolin, Najka does the whole "top half is a nude woman, bottom half is a gross bug", only this time it's a scorpion. She has backstory too: her mate, a scorpion man I accidentally slashed a few times before I realized he was friendly, tells me that the two of them were created by a mage years ago and she eventually regressed to her current feral state. He gave me one of these anti-petrification logs as thanks for dealing with her, which was nice. Coincidentally enough, and another parallel with Quelaag, I was unable to talk to him until I bought the special ring that allows conversations with monsters.

Her sting is more or less death (it did about 75% of my health bar and gave me the Toxic condition, which meant I wasn't able to get out of her range and hit an Estus in time to stop the other 25% from draining out) but what's more troublesome is her array of sorceries. Lots of powerful soul arrow spells, including homing ones and a nasty barrage that I was getting destroyed by every time. Once I'd found a slightly more magic-resistant shield, it was simply a matter of avoiding the worst of her attacks (not hard, fortunately, as most of the hugely damaging ones have a lot of telegraphing) and slowly wearing her down. She leaves herself wide open after the sting, at least, which meant I could unload a few double-handed attacks before she recovered. Still, a nasty boss, and a good reminder for why I'd been leaving the Shaded Woods well enough alone so far.

Grave of Saints

Opting to drop down the big hole in Majula rather than deal with anything more on the Shaded Ruins path, the first place I came to was this relatively small crypt area full of rats. There's a bunch of places to stick Pharros' Lockstones into, at least before we start getting all R-rated, but the first one I tried was a trap and I'm not sure I want to waste the few I have left. This place reminds me a lot of The Catacombs from the last game, probably because of all the corpses interred in sepulchers around here. Even so, there's something definitely foreboding about dropping into such a dark and unwelcoming place, and it ended up being more gentle than the intimidation factor would allow you to believe.

Royal Rat Vanguard

The Royal Rat Vanguard is a mob fight against mobs that mob you. We need better terms for video game things. In this case, it's a large pack of rats that continue to multiply and pour out of the walls, like the worst archeological survey of a tomb Henry Jones Sr. ever undertook. The goal is to take down one rat in particular, the Royal Rat Vanguard, and unlike other mob battles the rest of the creatures don't factor into the final boss health bar.

I actually liked this fight. It basically amounted to killing giant rats for ten minutes, but at least it was somewhat clever and original. What you're doing is playing the shell game with a bunch of identical rat enemies, with more coming in every second. The actual boss hits way harder and can build up petrification and poison, but for a slightly larger mohawk running down its back it can be tough to pick that particular one out of the crowd. It also doesn't have that much more health, and took about four hits before finally dying. I will say, though, for as easy as I thought it was, I did go through all my Estus flasks just surviving the swarming by the lesser enemies. Dare I mention that the Fool's Idol and Pinwheel (the latter of whom also inhabited its game's version of the catacombs) were earlier examples of this type of mimic boss and risk sounding dismissive about a boss I liked? Either way, it beats another giant dude with a sword.

Iron Keep

I'd popped into the Iron Keep briefly to grab that ember McDuff wanted, but I didn't feel like sticking around. A castle partially submerged by lava, the facts regarding how such a structure wouldn't make a whole lot of sense given how the rest of the castle probably would've melted along with the base is mitigated somewhat by the Rule of Cool. It's also packed with tough katana-wielding knights and some nasty flame traps. The goofy turtle guys from the Forest of Fallen Giants are here too, and still hit like freight trains with those clubs.

Old Iron King

It's definitely one of the Great Soul guys, given that he got his own cutscene before I fought him for the first time, and he's also one of the more impressive, visually-speaking. An enormous stony dragon dude emerging from lava to swing at you with his bare fists. It looks like a metal as hell JRPG boss and I thoroughly approve. I feel like I should switch my appearance to look more like Adol Christin before fighting him.

Alas, he's another boss that would've been more fun were he better implemented code-wise. The old phantom hit syndrome is considerably worse here, but that wasn't the part that killed me over and over. All his flame attacks, many of which cannot be avoided (or avoided exactly once with some cover, which the boss then gets around by moving), will knock you into a block break animation (or outright kill you if you don't block) and then hits again before fading away. Either that, or it sends you flying into the lava. It's like the Scorpioness fight, in that certain attacks just seem to end the battle, but with less room to escape them. Conversely, the non-fire attacks are super easy to avoid and leave the guy open for a little too long. The harsh juxtaposition of "here's an opening even a drunk, blind wussbaby like yourself can take advantage of" and "nope, fuck you, you're dead" depending on what the boss is throwing at you, while functional insofar as creating opportunities to attack while still being maintaining a sufficient level of difficulty, just seems uneven. Sort of like Lisa Simpsons's fishsticks: burned on the outside but frozen on the inside. Though mostly just the burned on the outside. I guess some more fire resistance wouldn't have gone amiss.

The Gutter + Black Gulch

After the Grave of Saints, the Majula Hole route just goes full nightmare fuel from then on. I said No-Man's Wharf was this game's equivalent of a bottomless Blighttown, but that honor clearly belongs to the Gutter: a pitch-black zone of rickety platforms hovering over an endless abyss. It's when I finally started to burn through the couple hours' worth of torches I'd accrued, lighting sconces just to keep track of where I'd been and what still lies beneath. Additionally, it's filled with statues that spit gobs of poison in your face if you walk into their view, so it often became a puzzle of smashing them without getting spotted by another one nearby. Sort of like a game of Pick-Up Sticks, you had to find the one that didn't have another one covering it and work your way through the network. The Black Gulch was better lighted, but no less terrifying. If it wasn't the Lovecraftian creatures springing out of shallow pools and holes in the wall (the latter gave me flashbacks to the "what won't come out no more?!" scene from Big Trouble in Little China), it had about a thousand more of those spitting statues.

The Rotten

At the end of this terror spelunk is this guy, who has a great visual design and is definitely closer to the game's spiritual successor to Gravelord Nito. A rotting pile of flesh filled with, and apparently comprised of, semi-sentient naked bodies a la Castlevania's Legion, this venomous Frankenstein's monster is more than a little intimidating. His intro also shows that he's the one that's been building all these poison-spitting statues. It's a neat melancholy touch, as it hints that he was presumably once some kind of sculptor, but it also means I have more of a grudge against this putrefying heap. I hated those statues!

He has some slow deliberate attacks (shock) which can be stopped by lopping off his arms, which in all fairness didn't seem to have much to connect them to the central core. Though I got some items from these arms, he starts doing these nasty hex-based (the hexes of the Dark Souls DLC are now in the game from the offset, and are one of the magic types you can learn alongside sorceries and miracles) AoE spells more frequently once an arm has gone or if he's just getting down there in HP. It feels like one of those risk/reward scenarios, where you can try for extra loot at the cost of slightly tougher attacks to deal with. Of course, if you chop off both he just grows them back again somehow. JRPG bosses, you know how it is. Didn't take long to bring him down, but then I'm getting used to fighting these large, slow-moving tanks. Funny that.

The Smelter Demon

The Smelter Demon is an optional boss in the Iron Keep (at least, all I found behind him was a bonfire and a door that led to a part of the level I'd already been to) and is absolutely no joke. A giant suit of armor, powered by a burning flame core, he's a (don't say "big guy with sword") a, uh (don't say "big guy with sword") very (don't say "big guy with sword") robust (what?) um (no, keep going, this might work) physically imposing (nope, we're losing it) guy with a sword? (and there we go. Kudos, Mr. Writer.)

Hoo boy, this guy. Woof. The Smelter Demon, I would like to believe without actually going to check, seems to be "that boss". You know, the equivalent of the Artorias battle. The fight where the odds are so unbelievably stacked against you that you think someone forgot to carry a one somewhere. Early on, he's just another big, slow brute, but it's around the point where you've taken off 30% of his health that he decides enough is enough and immolates his own blade. His attacks at this point now do huge amounts of additional fire damage to anyone whose flame resistance isn't through the roof. Even blocking all his blows, I was taking equivalent damage to being out in the open just from the fire addition. It's not like this gear I'm wearing isn't particularly fireproof either: it's among the most resistant of the stuff I've found so far. Essentially, this battle goes from "all right, let me just figure out the timing on all his big swing combos and specials and find an opening" to "oh my god, how I do I stop myself getting set on fire? I'm melting, I'm melting, what a world, what a world". The Flash Sweat pyromancy and a +1 fire resist ring was what I used in the end, but it still took more than a handful of tries, let's just say for the sake of my minimal pride.

Doors of Pharros + Brightstone Cove Tseldora

The Shaded Ruins route, which appears to be only one left open to me, eventually leads to the Doors of Pharros, which appears to be a limestone cave filled with rectangular rocks and more Lockstone holes. It's also got a few beefy knight types roaming around, including these mastodon guys which I very much like the look of. It feels like a place I'll need to comb to find all its secrets. And more than a few of these Lockstones to boot, though most seem to lead to more enemies and traps. The Brightstone Cove is a little more interesting, as it starts as a dilapidated military encampment before moving to a valley of asshole mages and eventually a spider temple. The look has gone from wet limestone to dry sandstone too, with a very desert-y feel to a lot of these adobe abodes.

Prowling Magus + Congregation

Boy, what did I interrupt here? The Prowling Magus is a sorcery-casting hollow surrounded by his "congregration", which collectively take up the second boss health bar. The congegration are a couple of miracle-casting clerics (they heal too) and a bunch of minor hollows, some of which are crawling. It's an odd group, and like the Rat Vanguard battle is a lot of bodies packed into a relatively small chapel. It's long but not wide, at any rate. I mean the chapel, weirdos.

I imagine the only way someone could lose this fight is if they got surprised by the numbers and overwhelmed. The priests are obviously the first targets, given that they can heal everyone, but they're always surrounded by the other congegration and you can't take your eyes off the big mage guy for a second. Once they're dead, the other congegration members quickly follow, and then it's just a particularly squishy mage with no protection.

The Duke's Dear Freja

Imagine Nickelodeon's Catdog, but with "spider" instead of "cat". And "dog". Not for arachnophobes (sorry Jeff, I know you were itching to get into more Dark Souls), this boss is an enormous two-headed spider who moves slow and is easy enough to predict. But I'm not entirely sure that's what the odd title of this boss is referring to. Nearby is the corpse of a colossal dragon, and it appears to be the source of the smaller spiders, presumably growing inside of it. Once I killed the boss, the Great Soul actually appeared below the dragon's mouth. It's possible given the numerous Duke's Archives allusions (the use of Duke in the name, the many crystals on the way in, the fact that Seath was a giant white dragon too) that the dragon is the "Freja" the title refers to, and was possibly the mate of Seath (who was made a Duke by Gwyn, don't forget) long ago. While there is a human Duke around, he's also like Seath in that he clearly went mad digging too deep into his scholarly pursuits. That's my theory anyway, probably debunked by a lot of Soulsian Sleuths on YT and the like, and now that I've thought about it I'm noticing a lot of other parallels to the big soul bosses of this game and the last too. The Lost Sinner is a female (thanks to user @savage for pointing that out) and has links to the First Flame, like the Bed of Chaos. Nito and the Rotten both live in a very dark pit far below the Earth and are apparently made out of lots of undead stitched together somehow. I suppose there's not much linking the Old Iron King and the Four Kings, beyond their titles, but both were brought to ruin when their respective kingdoms were destroyed by catastrophe, though one was water and one was fire (and yes, the Four Kings kind of effed up their own kingdom with dark magicks long before it got flooded, but I have an elemental theme going here so don't interrupt me with all your logic).

As for this boss fight, the issues are really twofold: a legion of smaller spiders, who have a charge attack that frequently drops my HP by 60% unguarded; and a floor covered with sticky cobwebs that restrict one's movement. It often feels you're trying to wade through molasses attempting to escape the big spider's beam o' death (which gives you ample opportunity to go whack its other head, which is how I beat it) and all the smaller spiders. I actually died a few times because I ignoring the smaller ones: I simply assumed they would keep respawning indefinitely. It turns out I was right, but not to the extent I was thinking. While they were definitely respawning, they were doing so at nothing like a constant rate. Removing the half dozen from the start made the battle way easier, as I only ended up seeing about three or four more throughout the entire battle.

Dranglaic Castle

After obtaining all four of the Great Souls, I was finally able to move past one of the locked doors at the crossroads bonfire in the Shaded Woods. It lead to this immense and foreboding castle, clearly the game's equivalent to Anor Londo, where the rest of the game's central quest line takes place and where more of the overarching plot is revealed. We get a comparatively huge dump of lore here, courtesy of an invisible chancellor who greets newcomers at the door. Turns out the erstwhile King Vendrick once did what I'm doing, uniting all the ancient Great Souls in the defense of his Kingdom. Something went awry though, possibly involving an invasion of giants or his mysterious foundling wife Queen Nashandra, and the next few zones after this one appear to be digging into this mystery of what happened to Dranglaic. Like Anor Londo, it's a lot of pristine walkways and corridors filled with tough knights and archers and traps and weird mechanisms that power elevators and other impressive feats of engineering.

Twin Dragonriders

Well, it's the Dragonrider boss again, but now there's two of them. Probably some HP inflation too, given how long it's been since Heide's Tower of Flame, though I seemed to get through them both pretty quickly. They're in what appears to be a treasury, which would be neat if I was allowed to take anything. This fight just seems like an excuse to add a boss in somewhere to break up Dranglaic Castle a bit and give players something to do besides get ganked by archers. I've enjoyed exploring this place well enough and absorbing what little lore about King Vendrick and Queen Nashandra I can (the latter appears to still be alive and well, though I've yet to ascertain if it's a Gwynevere illusion ploy or there's something amiss about this enigmatic waif-turned-monarch), so I'm not sure these diversionary tactics are really necessary.

The fight's made trickier by the fact that one of the Dragonriders remains out of reach and has one of those enormous Anor Londo Knight greatbows, traditionally used for harpooning dragons. I'll admit I came to the solution for this fight entirely by serendipity: the raised platform the archer is on (which I hid underneath so it couldn't shoot me) can be demolished by the other Dragonrider's swings, and for some reason the archer doesn't put the bow away after they drop down. That meant an easy kill as it just stood there trying to get a bead on me as I sliced its back to ribbons, with a very slow partner who was easy enough to defend against. Once the archer had gone, the other quickly followed. I want to say it was an interesting boss fight, but how interesting can "but now there's two of them" possibly be? Just filler, really, and nothing more. In fact, I'm not even counting this as the tenth boss to conclude this episode of Bosswatch. It can be nine-and-a-half.

Looking Glass Knight

If you said "another big guy with a sword", then kudos. You've just joined me on the least interesting game of Dark Souls Boss Bingo ever played, currently in progress. The LGK looks sort of neat, at least, as a giant suit of armor that sorta resembles the suit Tigris of Gaul wore in Gladiator, with that intimidatingly serene mask. I suppose I could've said the Jason Vorhees mask too, given how it serves a similar purpose. With a closer look, it actually sort of looks like the Virgin Mary with a crown of thorns, which is getting that particular strain of mythology mixed up a little. His only other notable feature is his enormous reflective greatshield, from which he presumably draws his name and which comes into play in the battle itself.

Beyond the usual swings, most of which bottomed out my stamina pretty rapidly, he has a number of lightning-based moves (with a bit of charge up for the truly daring to exploit) and one where he sets his mirror shield down and creates a phantom. Oddly, this phantom was always either Benhart, a friendly mercenary I keep meeting with a crystalline greatsword, or myself. Needless to say, the "me" phantom was considerably easier to kill, which is why the boss summoned it exactly once during my four attempts on this fight. For as common as these giant knight bosses are becoming (and that should probably be a past participle rather than a present one), I quite liked the purity of this fight. The way he'd finish a swing combo in such a way that his shield ended up between us meant that the usual tactic of blocking and then hitting during the downtime wouldn't work, as everything that hits the colossal shield simply bounced off. Ditto my spear's sweeping strong attack, which was usually quite reliable against armored foes. A bit more tactical, which I don't mind.

The Bit at the End

Anyway, that'll have to do it for this episode of Bosswatch. It's the last day of November, which means I've got to start preparing next month's big daily series. Please stick around to see what that's all about. As for Dark Souls II, I imagine I'll get a few hours in here or there whenever I'm not knee-deep in this new series or busy with other stuff in the run up to Christmas, but I might be putting off the next (and probably final, given how things appear to be coming to a head) part closer to the holidays, possibly around the time the GOTY podcasts start showing up. Until then, take care, and keep a cautious eye on any suits of armor you happen to walk by: you never know, it might be a Dark Souls II boss.

(And hey, if you want to offer your thoughts or knowhow on any of the bosses featured in this episode or last, by all means drop them into the comments. I'm intending to leave all the lore absorption until after the game ends, to help bring context to whatever conclusion its building towards, but I can't imagine there's anything too spoiler-y about any of these guys. Unless it turns out that the reason half of these bosses are giant suits of animated armor is because the Guild of Blacksmiths is behind everything.)

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Dark Souls II: Bosswatch (Part 1)

Greetings all, as we merge the blackest of Fridays with the darkest of Souls. The Souls games have always been a major timesink for me due to their immersion, their unwillingness to hold your hand and, most of all, the colorful and varied boss encounters that are likely to hand you your own undead ass a few dozen times apiece. These boss encounters are always the pinnacle of the Souls experience, as you painstakingly learn their tactics and how to use those tactics against them, and there's nothing quite like seeing that big "YOU VANQUISHED" (or equivalent) whenever you finally defeat them. I would say the essence of any Souls game is its boss battles, and there's usually a lot of them.

With that in mind, I've decided to write about my Dark Souls II playthrough using these bosses as a focal point. I'll briefly touch on the locations they inhabit, since a lot of work has evidently gone into these environments, but it'll largely be spent describing the bosses; their appearance and their attack patterns in particular. Hopefully I can figure out some context for what they are and why they're guarding their specific area, but I might overlook a few things.

So, yeah, this is another reactions blog, albeit one with a bit more depth and a lot more complaining. Welcome to Dark Souls II: Bosswatch!

Things Betwixt

The game's tutorial area, described as a realm between realms. At least that's what the title of this place implies. Personally, it just makes me peckish for caramel candy bars. There's a bunch of tutorial areas with enemies behind fog doors, or there's a direct path to the exit directly ahead if you're already familiar with the series and just want to get on with it. Of course, if one's actually genuinely familiar with the series, they know that there's going to be some useful hidden stuff concealed in these tutorial areas because that's how Souls rolls.

Visually, it feels kind of foreboding. I mean, I guess it's supposed to, given the horrors to come. Lots of giant dead trees and low visibility. Makes for a good switch when you eventually emerge into the sunlight of Majula, the game's hub and only safe haven. Well, but for a few oddly aggressive pig rat things.

Ogre

I don't know how to describe the ogres in this game. They look kind of like monstrous bipedal hippos with goofy expressions. A hungry, hungry hippo, it turns out, as one of its favorite moves is to pick you up and bite you several times. It's three hugely damaging attacks that causes the bleeding effect (which is just a huge damage boost on top) so it's pretty much instant death unless you're rocking some high defense and/or HP totals.

But then it's not really a boss, just a tough enemy you meet very early on. I cut my teeth (or its teeth) on a nearby ogre in Things Betwixt to make sure I hadn't completely forgotten everything from last year's Dark Souls playthrough. While I defeated one, eventually, I decided to come back once I had some modest armor and a decent spear/halberd weapon to take care of the other two wandering around, since that's what I used in DS1. The ogre near the house of the old women who introduce you to the game had a ring on him, so that was pretty fortuitous. Of the many changes made to DS2, I think having more ring slots is one of the few I'm onboard with. Clearly, From Software fondly recalls their Eternal Ring days.

Forest of the Fallen Giants

I feel that anyone who has seen any promotional material for the game, and specifically the Giant Bomb content pertaining to it, is familiar with this region. It's a collection of ruined buildings and dead trees not entirely unlike Dark Souls's opening area the Undead Burg. The enemies are weak but plentiful, and there's a few dead ends and shortcuts to find. There's a few mysteries around here too (I still have no idea how to fight this particular salamander type creature that I can see many floors below one of the bonfires) and (at least) two bosses.

Last Giant

The Last Giant is one of many large humanoid trees that you occasionally spot while exploring The Forest of the Fallen Giants, which can be easily mistaken for odd statues. They have enormous holes where their faces should be, so there's always something a little off-putting about them. It takes one of them waking up and lurching towards you before you understand just how unsettling they can be.

I guess this is the first boss for most people. He pretty much sets a precedent for the vast majority of enemies I'll meet in the next couple of areas: really big guys who move really slow but hit really hard. Got caught a few times by his stomp and his swing range, the former only because the hitbox detection in this game is so wack. You spend pretty much the whole battle walking between his legs and hacking his feet. It wasn't the most challenging boss encounter, neither was it the most interesting.

The Pursuer

I'd already met this guy previously further down in the ruins, on top of a random roof, but I died fairly quickly. I didn't really know what to expect at the time, and it wasn't introduced as a boss fight (no fog door, and he didn't have a boss health bar). I guess it was the game's way of building some early intimidation for this specific boss, but I wonder what would've happened if I had beaten him then and there. He doesn't look like much, like a gleaning white knight hovering off the ground with a nasty looking spear, but he moves pretty fast compared to the sluggish undead in this area.

Either way, the Pursuer is easily the toughest boss I fought in the early game, largely because I hadn't upgraded my weapon too much yet and was doing slithers of damage to his health bar. He guards a shortcut to a much later dungeon down a different route too, so maybe he was meant to be a little more of a challenge. Predictable attacks, but again I got dinged by that awful sense of how far an enemy's weapon ought to extend compared to how much it actually does. I think I died twice or thrice from underestimating the length of a combo chain (that little spin finisher in particular), and about a dozen times because a swing was able to hit me despite clearly missing by a yard.

Heide's Tower of Flame

I don't know who Heide is, but their Tower of Flame sucks. There's towers, for sure, but hardly any flames. I'm giving this place a bad Yelp review, because I only yelped a couple of times when I fell off the haphazard walkways into the ocean far below. Pulling a Metal Gear Scanlon, as we call it 'round these parts.

Dragonrider

After a brief visit to Lost Bastille, I thought I'd instead check one of the other routes out of Majula to make sure I wasn't going anywhere too high level just yet. Heide's Tower of Flame was within easy reach, but... well, let's just say this game is clearly very fond of the "big and slow" enemy archetype. After beating down (and being beat down by) eight-foot tall knight dudes for an hour, I accidentally wandered into Dragonrider's boss room and mistook him for yet another of these large enemies. Beat him in one shot, since he moves and acts exactly like everything else around here just slightly faster and with more health. I imagine hitting those switches to raise the platforms in his small arena probably made the fight more palatable as well.

Old Dragonslayer

Goddammit, why is Ornstein in this game? At least he doesn't have his portly companion around to back him up. I also found out too late that the recently acquired Old Knight Halberd is very strong but also very fragile, with a terrible durability that was already running low when I went into the fight. He got me with his speed and combos a few times, as once he stuns you with that first blow and follows up with three more, there's not a whole lot of stamina or health left to weather it. He's easy enough to get around, though, and most of his attacks are the forward stabby kind that leaves him open. Didn't take long to slay the dragonslayer. Figures that there's nothing behind him other than a bonfire and some covenant I don't qualify for.

Huntsman's Copse

This is an alternate area you can get to by talking to a priestess lady you first meet in Heide's Tower of Flame. She sets herself up in this circular spinny chamber thing near Majula that you need to pay her to activate. Good thing I only have to do this once, because I can then teleport to the bonfires on either route. I'll probably be seeing her again anyway though, as I've been thinking of spending points on Faith to cast a few handy miracles, since I got a lot of use out of the heals and homeward bone-type spells last time. Miracles always seem the most practical of the spell categories. But that's neither here nor there. The Huntsman's Copse is this game's equivalent to those forests in Dark Souls and its DLC area, filled with rogues and other shady sorts.

Skeleton Lords

So, all right, let me tell you what's up with these guys. This fight seems to be your Gravelord Nito equivalent, where every skeleton with a bone to pick rises up to help their undead master and gives you a headache of a group battle to deal with. The three Skeleton Lords are actually fairly weak, or at least they are compared to my level ~50 dude. Rather, it's how they die and spawn four new skeletons (with a neat flying ghost skull effect that reminds me of Doom II's Icon of Sin) that complicates matters in a boss fight where you're already having to keep an eye on numerous enemies. That said, even dealing with a pack of weak skeletons when there's a couple of fireball-casting liches hovering around isn't the hard part. The hard part is when the last Skeleton Lord dies and he releases unto this world a quartet of bonewheels. Now, if you're unfamiliar with bonewheels, they're absolutely the pits when they're in a group and you're in a big open area. Like, say, a boss fight room. Like, say, the room what this boss fight is in. It's a super cheap battle that I perhaps made a little easier on myself due to my level (I swear I've only gone to, like, four other places. No grinding either), but my oh my is it obnoxious all the same.

Earthen Peak

The Earthen Peak, which follows both the Huntsman's Copse and the customary poison wasteland that is Harvest Valley, is a place that immediately reminded me of Sen's Fortress: There are poison pools, poison vases and traps everywhere, and lots of precarious walkways and nasty archers. No snake people (well, until the boss), but lots of headless Mannikins and mummified Silverbacks to give you migraines. There's even a few pyromancer types too.

Covetous Demon

The Covetous Demon guards the entrance to the Earthen Peak, but I suppose he could also be considered the boss of Harvest Valley too. I feel like I saw the title transition before then though, running through a few rooms with poison vases before the fog door. He's an enormous slug-like demon that is perhaps not the game's most pleasant boss to look at. This is usually the point where I compare him to a prior Souls boss, and there's been a few that are grotesquely bulbous, but honestly fighting him reminded me a lot more of Empress Bulblax from Pikmin 2.

Between my +7 Winged Spear and half-decent level, the Covetous Demon wasn't quite the challenge it appeared to be. I dimly recall watching a clip from an old "Best of Giant Bomb" video from indefatigable community member @turboman where Vinny got ate by this boss and lost all his armor, and I imagine that was how this boss might present a challenge: players running back with their second-best armor set, frantic to recover all their priceless gear. Despite the old phantom hit problems again (it appeared to have no range, as a Jabba ersatz with stubby arms, but clearly that wasn't the case) I beat it in one try.

Mytha, the Baneful

Mytha's one of the few bosses I got to hear some backstory on before I met her. Apparently she's the ancient Queen of whatever kingdom this was, who turned to sorcery to keep herself eternally beautiful. The poisonous fluids she used to maintain her immortality also turned her into a lamia creature, and she lost her head in the process and has to carry it around with her. Sort of like a mix of the legends behind the gorgon Medusa, the infamous blood Countess Elizabeth Bathory and Meryl Streep in Death Becomes Her. Possibly the three greatest (great meaning large or immense, I use it in the pejorative sense) female monsters in history?

There's a trick to this battle, in much the same way as there was one for the Dragonrider. I didn't realize it until I'd abandoned it as being too difficult, but there's something you can do to remove a lot of the poisonous pools in the Earthen Peak which includes the one that covers the entire boss arena that will ensure that the boss is constantly at full health (poison heals her, naturally) while you end up dead within seconds. Once the poison pools have been taken care of, she's a cinch. Actually, a lot like Ornstein with that big spear, but with sorcery and poison to worry about in addition (neither can be blocked without a bit of health loss, unless you have a special shield). Once again, I'm probably too overleveled for this part of the game. I suspect the game's built in such a way that they intend you to finish one of the paths to the four McGuffin Flames you need before moving onto the others? But even then, you'd be overpowered for the alternate paths. An odd progression system, for sure, though one that has a precedent with Dark Souls.

Lost Bastille

The Lost Bastille can be reached as early as the Forest of Fallen Giants, but given how much trouble I had with the Pursuer boss I put this one on the back-burner for a while. I did manage to find a new blacksmith, McDuff, on my first visit, but he won't trade with me just yet. I know I keep comparing places in this game to equivalents in the earlier Souls games, but it often feels like the game is doing it deliberately. The game's dropped several hints, in fact, that support the idea that Dranglaic might've been Lordran many thousands of years ago, and most of these new structures were built on the ruins of the old. Anyway, given that this is a moody prison with a lot of nasty enemies roaming around and a few vertiginous pathways, it immediately reminded me of the Tower of Latria from Demon's Souls. It's at least a bit more picturesque than that dank hellhole of Cthulhus, with some beautiful moonlit ramparts.

Ruin Sentinels

Another day, another multi-boss of deliberate knight types. These skinny ladies probably gave most people heading through Lost Bastille a lot of problems, as their lengthy reach and relatively small fighting arena means you cannot ever turn your back on one of them. Given that there's three of them, it's not easy to keep them all in view. The game does throw you a bone by letting you take down one separate from the other two by fighting her on the ledge you emerge onto after going through the fog door. That means you only have to fight the other two simultaneously. Not tricky, but again I feel I'm a much higher level now (almost 70) than I perhaps ought to be for this part of the game. Blame it on all this skipping around I'm doing. (I went to get the Dull Ember for McDuff for a Uchigatana, for the record. Of course, now I find out that it's not as good as this wimpy spear I've been using so far, and doesn't even exceed its Dex-boosted damage scaling bonus which is the whole point of katanas. Well, that and looking cool. And, yeah, okay, the much higher counter-attack damage if we're getting all technical.)

Belfry Luna

This is odd. I found this tower by using one of Pharro's Lockstones, which are rare items that occasionally reveal secret areas if you use it in the right place, but it seems to be an area built specifically for a PvP covenant. There's all these squat dudes in yeoman armor, and it's just a few floors and then a boss. Do players really spend time just sitting in this little tower waiting to invade people?

Belfry Gargoyles

Hey, remember these guys from Dark Souls? Remember how much fun it was fighting two of them at the same time? Well, here's five. It's a dumb remix boss battle, like Ornstein, and like Ornstein there's not a whole lot to the fight if you're already familiar with it from fighting something very similar in the previous game. It's a bit like the Maneaters fight from Demon's too, come to think of it, which strengthens the Tower of Latria comparison. You're not only faced with multiple opponents, but you're also on the clock as more of them tag in the longer you stretch the fight out. Rather brutal, but one that--once again--I feel I might have been overqualified to handle in my mid-70s. I certainly don't mind the boss battles where I only die once or twice, as I feel like that's a good balance between the "How do I stop dying?" and "Aha, is this our chance?" steps of boss strategizing. I do take exception to the repetition and callbacks with most of these bosses. Just doesn't feel like they tried too hard this time. I'll reserve final judgement until after the game is done though; chances are they back-loaded this with all the weird and nasty ones.

Sinner's Rest

Given the build-up, it would've been safe to assume this was one of the big four Lord Souls I'm meant to be chasing after, and I'd be right. The Lost Bastille ended quite spectacularly, with a big tower that lead an underwater passage to a rather neat keep lying in a cove underneath the rest of the complex.

The Lost Sinner

As for the Lost Sinner, well, it's another big dude with deliberate attack patterns again, albeit one that moves very quickly and turns the lights out before the fight. I'm glad I found that Bastille key after the Gargoyles, since using it to turn more lights on thereby allowing me see the guy made things easier. At the same time, I feel like I missed some awesome Zatoichi-style blind swordsman action by illuminating the arena beforehand. At any rate, I beat him in two tries. I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging (Lord knows I've died due to the stupidest shit a hundred times over), just marvelling at how the boss fights in this game are a far cry from the original's. It helps that half of them have been almost identical sword/spear duels with slightly larger opponents wearing armor.

The Bit at the End

Anyway, beating the first big story boss of the game ought to be a decent stopping point for this initial episode of Dark Souls II: Bosswatch. I'll continue to keep a journal on the foes I meet for future parts to this series, and I'll try to be more positive the next time the boss turns out to be some giant dude with a sword again. No promises though.

Meanwhile, I have something big planned for December 1st. It's not another series of Desura Dementia, since that didn't seem to drum up much interest in 2013 and I haven't bought nearly as many Indie Royale bundles this year, but it's akin in spirit. Hopefully I can get another Bosswatch out before it begins.

Thanks for stopping by, and be safe out there on Black Friday. Don't get run down by demonic forces while grabbing all those discounts, like I did with a certain chariot boss coming up in the next episode...

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A Super Smash Catastrophy

I don't play Super Smash Bros. the correct way. Perhaps that's a little reductive, as there's never any particular correct way to play a video game (besides Dark Souls, of course), but I'm fairly certain that many people don't play Smash extensively for the same reasons I do.

Like this, only more weathered with age.

When I was younger, I had a passing familiarity with Nintendo but no real experience with the NES beyond the occasional look while at the houses of friends. I didn't own a Nintendo console until the 1990s, and that was a Game Boy that my parents bought me and my sister at an airport while on holiday to keep us quiet on the plane. Well, quiet for the two or three hours that the batteries persisted. Instead, my first real exposure to the world of Mario and Link and Little Mac and Samus Aran came with the Nintendo Official Sticker Album. This sort of thing was huge in the late 80s and 90s: a thin volume bought for a couple of quid with about 300 empty rectangular spaces for stickers. You bought the stickers in allowance-priced booster packs, around 5-10 at a time, and would have no idea what you'd find until after you'd walked out of the store and opened the packet up. It combined the trepidation of discovery with the satisfaction of a completing a set of something: the sort of thing that drove many kids my age from prior generations to philately and numismatics. Since I couldn't pronounce or spell either of those words at the time, my vice was stickers.

It's due to this that I tend to associate Nintendo nostalgia most strongly with collecting those damn stickers. The amount of times I would find nothing but doubles and be despondent for my wasted cash (provided I couldn't trade them away) while other times finding the super rare foil sticker I needed to complete a page of Super Mario Bros. 3 Koopalings and be ecstatic for procuring such a rare treasure. Nintendo nostalgia is sort of what Nintendo's all about these days, and while for many that means endless iterative sequels and nickel-and-diming long-time fans with older classics on the Virtual Console, it's the Super Smash Bros. series and their trophy collectibles that hit me hardest in the nostalgia nerve cluster, making me paralytic with wistful remembrance.

Like this, but far less valuable.

Which brings me back to that incomplete thought from the first paragraph: I do not play Smash for the friendly competition (the 3DS version isn't particularly conducive to online play from what I'm hearing) nor to challenge myself with 100-Man Smash milestones or beating Classic mode on the highest difficulty level. It's to collect shit. 685 trophies, to be precise.

Because I went to all this trouble with little to show for it besides a giant haul of virtual figurines, I thought I'd detail the process of collecting this immense amount of worthless tchotchkes for those also of a kleptomaniacal bent, tangentially touching on some of Smash Bros 3DS's various modes, characters and idiosyncrasies in the process. As Super Smash Bros for Wii U hovers menacingly overhead in the release schedules, a game I am definitely going to have to ignore for a few months while I recover from this exhausting scavenger hunt, it seems like an ideal time to thoroughly explicate on Nintendo's new slugger and how it continues to entrap folk with its shiny gewgaws.

This is my not-so-secret and not-particularly-shameful secret shame: I play video games the same way Vinny does, and it hurts me.

Section 1: The Character Trophies (1-102)

Classic Mode

The mode that is the most different this time around is the ironically-named Classic mode, in which the player's character marches along one of up to three different paths after each stage. Each of these paths leads to a different fight and a different reward: Red paths tend to be the hardest but contain the best treasures, while the inverse is true for blue paths. Green is somewhere in the middle. In addition, the player can boost the "intensity" of this mode, greatly increasing both the rewards and the difficulty of the fights.

In addition, the player determines the reward they receive from each battle with a quickly moving roulette. They tend to range from cash prizes (used elsewhere) to 1-5 custom parts to 1-5 trophies. If you're skilled enough and have the entrance fee, playing on a high intensity is perhaps one of the better ways to earn both trophies and custom parts. It does mean that you have to fight the game's new boss: a shapeshifting entity known as Master Core that's no pushover on higher intensity levels, as the player is forced to fight more of its forms in succession.

Has anyone actually played this?

However, several special trophies are tied to the Classic mode. These include the first trophies for every playable character, including the three Mii Fighter variants, which adds up to 51 Classic Mode playthroughs. In addition, there's a trophy for beating Classic mode at 5.0 intensity (Master Hand), one for beating it at 9.0 intensity (Guardians from Ketzal's Corridors, which I'm not sure has anything to do with anything) and one for completing it with all characters (Crazy Hand).

It's... no easy feat beating the game on 9.0 intensity, and it's one of the few Challenges (the game's ersatz achievement system) that the game won't let you skip. It's considered the toughest single-player challenge in the game and must be defeated in order to consider oneself a Smash champion. On the other hand, if you do make it, you can rest assured that nothing else in the game will present quite that level of difficulty.

All-Star Mode

Unlike Classic mode, which changes frequently and presents a number of different scenarios for its fights, All-Star is a very staid affair where the player has to fight every character in the game (besides the Miis) in chronological order. While it's fun for a game historian like myself to identify which character is linked to which release/year, the unchanging nature of these battles, the amount of time it takes to defeat 48 fighters and the strict "one KO and you're out" rule makes them something of a grind. What's worse is that the stages themselves are still filled with random hazards that can quickly kill an inattentive player, which is presumably the same reason why items were removed. Seems odd they'd keep one and not the other. If I never have to encounter Yellow Devil again...

If you thought this guy was an asshole before...

It's a perplexing and tedious process, but you also need another 51 playthroughs here to get every character's "alternate" trophy, usually depicting them in one of their many other costumes. I generally like some of the choices for costume switches in this game: having every Koopaling as an alternative for Bowser Jr, or Alph for Captain Olimar, or Little Mac's pink training tracksuit or his Arcade green wireframe appearance. Zero Suit Samus has her end-game bonus apparel (though not her "Justin Bailey" colors, oddly). Peach has Daisy's get-up; Mario, Luigi and Wario can all pretend to be Waluigi should they ever want to; and the Animal Crossing Villager, Wii Fit Trainer and Fire Emblem's Robin can all be gender-swapped. They even have a version of Ness with a Mr. Saturn T-shirt.

In addition to those gruelling 51 playthroughs, there's three additional trophies linked to challenges: one for beating it on Easy (Legend of Zelda's Epona) one for beating it on Normal (Kid Icarus's Medusa), one for beating it on Hard (Nintendoji, from a Japan-only Club Nintendo reward game). There's a challenge for completing it with all characters, but that just nets you some Mii gear.

Smash Run

The game's alternative to the original's Adventure Mode, the player has five minutes to fight their way through a throng of monsters from Kirby, Pokemon, Kid Icarus: Uprising and Mario. In defeating enemies and finding chests, they can collect stat boosts which continually make them stronger as well as collectibles and cash which they keep once the game is over. The mode culminates in a Smash battle with varying conditions (including special Multi-Man Melees and races), which the player can end up winning or losing dependent on their stat increases as commonly as their own skill.

You want something fast, like whatever the hell this frog ninja thing is, to sweep up all the chests in Smash Run. Smashing your way through enemies for their item drops works too.

There are no challenges related to Smash Run that provide trophies: instead, Smash Run has its own collectible series of sorts called Smash Run Powers. These can be equipped to characters before starting and can provide various boons while playing, ranging from temporarily boosting stats to giving them a free item. They have higher level grades as well, which means they can be used more often. However, the character has a limited amount of room for these powers, and better ones tend to take up more space. There's 176 discrete Smash Run Powers to find too, so it'll take a while to get them all. There's also a challenge that tasks you to place first with every character at the end of the Smash Run, so either way you'll be spending some time with the mode in order to unlock everything.

Section 2: The Challenge Trophies (103-138)

We've touched on a few of these already, but the game has multiple Challenges: goals which act like achievements and will each provide an unlockable trophy, custom part, new stage or music track for the sound test. In addition, the player earns a reward for completing an entire screen's worth of these challenges. Fortunately, the game also throws the player a bone in the form of the Golden Hammers: There are three for each screen of 35 challenges, and allows you to skip the least pleasant ones. Definitely worth taking advantage of. There's 36 trophies you can only get via Challenges.

  • Challenge #1: Toad Trophy - Collect 30 unique Trophies.
  • Challenge #42: Redd Trophy - Collect 150 unique Trophies.
  • Challenge #87: Luigi + Poltergust Trophy - Collect 500 unique Trophies.
  • Challenge #105: Wentworth Trophy - Collect 600 unique Trophies.

These four are simple enough, since we're collecting all the trophies anyway.

  • Challenge #3: Epona Trophy - Clear All-Star on Easy.
  • Challenge #51: Master Hand Trophy - Clear Classic with 5 characters.
  • Challenge #69: Medusa Trophy - Clear All-Star on Normal.
  • Challenge #71: Guardians Trophy - Clear Classic on 9.0 Intensity.
  • Challenge #79: Crazy Hand Trophy - Clear Classic with all characters.
  • Challenge #99: Nintendoji Trophy - Clear All-Star on Hard.

As previously discussed, the challenges that pertain to Classic and All-Star modes.

  • Challenge #5: Peach + Royal Ribbon Trophy (Mario Kart) - Battle 3 times on the Rainbow Road Stage.
  • Challenge #19: Cragalanche Trophy (Kid Icarus: Uprising) - Battle 3 times on the Reset Bomb Forest Stage.
  • Challenge #31: Mr. Saturn Trophy - Win 2 Smash Battles with Ness.
  • Challenge #46: Golden Retriever Trophy (Nintendogs) - Battle 3 times on the Living Room Stage.
  • Challenge #52: Dark Emperor Trophy (Find Mii) - Battle 3 times on the Find Mii Stage.

These are kind of fun. You don't need to go out of your way much, but there's a few challenges like these where you simply have to try out a few stages or characters in the standard Smash mode for a while. Nice, easy introductory challenges.

  • Challenge #21: Dark Pit Staff Trophy - Unlock Dark Pit.
  • Challenge #60: Tortimer Island Trophy (Animal Crossing) - Unlock every stage.

Like the previous, though they may take a little longer. Dark Pit's one of the last characters to become unlocked and the stages require that you complete a few other simple challenges first (#6, #9, #17, #20, #23, #25, #54).

  • Challenge #47: Mugly Trophy (Donkey Kong Country Returns) - Get 10 KOs knocking opponents into other opponents in StreetSmash.
  • Challenge #95: Koopa Troopa (Green) Trophy - Same as above, only 20 KOs.

StreetSmash is the game's attempt to shoehorn in some StreetPass functionality. It's actually kind of fun, though utterly unlike anything else in Super Smash Bros. Instead, you're pushing around a token trying to knock other tokens off the board by charging up and boosting in a direction of your choosing. It's like sumo meets tiddlywinks. Fortunately, in order to get all the related challenges, you can just play the practice mode over and over, which doesn't require you actually StreetPass with anyone. Good if you live out in the middle of nowhere like me.

  • Challenge #16: Timmy + Tommy Trophy (Animal Crossing) - Play Trophy Rush for the first time.

Trophy Rush is the best means of collecting the random trophies that make up the vast majority of the trophies out there to find. I guess this challenge is here in case you haven't found this mode yet (its hidden in the Trophies sub-menu). This is also where most of your money ends up, along with the Trophy Shop. The Trophy Shop is useful too, though only when you have a handful of randoms left and don't mind splurging.

The Multi-Man Smash mode is still as repetitively dull as ever, and has its own set of challenges to overcome. The Shadow the Hedgehog one, much like the character itself, is pure bullshit and is worth skipping over via a hammer post-haste.

  • Challenge #7: Bonkers Trophy - Hit 300m in the Home-Run Contest.
  • Challenge #18: Home-Run Bat Trophy - Play the Home-Run Contest for the first time.
  • Challenge #86: Sandbag Trophy - Hit 15,000m across all characters in the Home-Run Contest.

The Home-Run Contest is back and remains very much the same as it always has. Beat up that poor sandbag and launch him with the bat before the timer runs down. None of these three challenges are particularly tough, fortunately.

  • Challenge #35: Blast Box Trophy - Score over 100,000 points on Target Blast.
  • Challenge #43: King Bob-Omb Trophy - Have over 2,000,000 points across all characters on Target Blast.
  • Challenge #94: Dark Train Trophy (Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks) - Play Target Blast with all characters.

Target Blast is the game's new version of Smash the Target, and plays like a cross of that mode and Home-Run Contest. Well, it plays a lot more like a certain mobile game involving irascible avians if we're being honest with ourselves. Either way, it won't take long to play a single game with all the characters, and you can even unlock the occasional trophy and custom part while playing.

  • Challenge #61: Knuckle Joe Trophy - Play Smash mode for 10 collective hours.
  • Challenge #91: Color TV-Game 15 Trophy - Play Smash mode for 50 collective hours.

These are longevity challenges and are utterly imbalanced time-wise for single-player saddos like myself. 50 hours playing no-frills Smash over and over is a little beyond what I'm prepared to do for a Pong trophy. I skipped both of these and didn't regret it.

This one comprises a collect-a-thon quest almost on par with the trophies themselves. The various custom parts the player collects has a chance to be a new piece of headgear or outfit for the Miis, and there's around 50 of those all together. They also have a few challenges linked to them, including beating All-Star with all characters.

However, getting all eight custom special moves for the 48 non-Mii characters means another 384 collectibles to find. That's going to take a while. You can increase the chances of finding custom moves for any one character by playing as them, though that's still a hell of a lot of Smash Run and Classic to get through (custom parts occasionally appear in Trophy Rush too, but not nearly as often as you'd hope). The game's more than happy to give you useless customization parts instead, or doubles.

These are the kickers though. The part when you realise that collecting all 685 trophies may (may?) well be more trouble than they're worth:

  • Complete all 35 Challenges on Grid 1: Super Star Trophy
  • Complete all 35 Challenges on Grid 2: Tutorial Pig/Professor Chops Trophy (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
  • Complete all 35 Challenges on Grid 3: Gold Bone Trophy (Find Mii)

So yes, you do have to complete (or skip over with a Golden Hammer) every challenge in the game if you're going for all the trophies. Which leads to these beauties:

  • Hitting 1000m in the Home-Run Contest.
  • 110 KOs in 3-Minute Smash.
  • 100-Man Smash within 3 minutes.
  • 10-Man Smash within 20 seconds.
  • 200 KOs in Endless Smash.
  • Come first in Smash Run with every character.
  • Have the game on for more than 20 hours.
  • 4 or more KOs in Cruel Smash. (If you get one KO in Cruel Smash, you're doing spectacularly.)

Yikes-a-roonie.

Section 3: Random Trophies

This is where the other 547 trophies are. There's multiple ways to earn random trophies, but your best bets are the following (from most to least lucrative):

  1. Trophy Rush. If you pay the maximum amount for 2:30 minutes, you can earn around 20-40 trophies. There's no guarantee that they won't all be doubles, but this is the best means of building a giant hoard of trophies quickly. Best to earn money via Classic or Smash Run, as both tend to pay out. You earn money doing the silly credits mini-game too.
  2. Trophy Shop. If you don't feel like spending money on a slim chance for new trophies, you could always just buy trophies directly from the store. You can use StreetPass coins here too. It's a costly process though, and I wouldn't recommend it if you've still got hundreds left to get.
  3. Classic mode. Playing on higher intensities means more rewards, and this is a good way of getting dozens of trophies and custom parts. It's also challenging, if you still want the gameplay itself to keep you on your toes. In addition, they sometimes drop trophies right on the map.
  4. Smash Run. Trophies are rarer in Smash Run, but you have to play this mode a lot for challenges and other collectibles and you can get quite a bit of cash doing so. That cash can then go right back into Trophy Rush. If you play online, you get the trophies/custom parts everyone else found too.
  5. All-Star Mode. Gotta do it anyway if you're hunting for every trophy. The occasional one appears after a certain number of battles, and become more frequent the higher the difficulty. I've heard the more expensive trophies in the Trophy Shop appear here more frequently too, but you still don't get many this way.
  6. Trophy Blast. The new mini-game. As well as targets, there'll occasionally be a trophy or a custom part to smash as well. You won't know until you pause the game if there's something there or not, but it's another case of "you gotta do this anyway so why not look for stuff".
  7. Mew Hunting. If you intend to run out the clock on those Smash longevity challenges, you can always set Items to Master Ball only and try to find Mew. Mew's one of the few Legendary Pokemon in the game (the Master Ball almost always spits out one of the twenty or so Legendaries that are running around these days) and will drop a trophy or a custom part for you before flying off. Pick a stage with a solid foundation (no Omegas, no auto-scrollers, no stages with very little ground), make sure Master Balls are the only items appearing, add a very dumb CPU opponent to stand in a corner somewhere and prepare for crushing tedium as you wait for a little pink cat blob to show up for hours at a time. THIS IS HOW SMASH BROS IS MEANT TO BE PLAYED.

The Bit at the End

How do I feel about the new Smash Bros? I dunno, I was too busy looking for trophies to pay any attention.

I am so not ready for Super Smash Bros for Wii U. Please, let me rest. Let me rest!

All right, you all deserve more than that for making it this far. Honestly, it seems like Sakurai took the criticism for Brawl to heart and decided to cannibalize the older Smash games for a "best of all worlds" scenario. The Melee stuff is a little more pronounced than most though. I'm sad that there isn't a goofy plot-heavy adventure mode in this one, but the Smash Run and new Classic modes are still quite good. The packed roster is truly impressive too, and that's before you start considering all the customization options for moves and costume changes. I really like how Pac-Man, the Duck Hunt Duo and Dark Pit play, as someone who generally sticks with standard attacks and aerials, and wish I could be better with Little Mac and Mega Man (they take some getting used to). Possibly too many clone characters for the game's own good, but a solid group of fighters all the same.

The best part of this game, easily, is how the portable format works so well with Smash's general pick-up-and-play mindset. Very few modes in this game take more than a handful of minutes to complete, and you can bounce between the various modes to keep you from getting bored. The trophies and challenges, for as much of a love/hate relationship I have with them, give you lots of short- and long-term goals to chase after, and you can spend as little or as much with the game at a time as you want: it won't suddenly run out of stuff for you to do (like Animal Crossing) even if you accomplish the maddening, quixotic task of collecting everything.

Thanks for reading, and I hope this wasn't too much of a chilling portrayal of the dangers of collectibles addiction. If you or anyone you know suffers from this debilitating psychological disorder, there's a number you can call to get help. Unless they closed the Nintendo Hotline down, in which case you're on your own, bucko.

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Mento Gear Solid 2: React-sons of Incredulity (Part 2: Plant)

All right, so I appreciate this part will be something of a massive text dump, given that the Plant section of Metal Gear Solid 2 is considerably longer and more involved (even, dare I say, more convoluted) than the Tanker prologue. I'm also aware that I promised to hold future entries in this series back until Drew and Dan had reached the subsequent parts in their playthrough.

However! I recently beat the game a few nights ago. Having no idea when those videos will arrive and when certain milestones will be met, it's inevitable that I'm going to have to end up chopping this list into unwieldy pieces to accommodate however long each segment of the game takes Drew, and knowing how boss fights tend to go for him (and the amount of bullshit the boss fights in this game contain in general), I've decided I'm not going to wait around forever with a blog series burning a hole in my (metaphorical) pocket when I have other stuff to be writing about. Besides, Drew and I have similar senses of humor, and I want first dibs at all these joke opportunities. Selfish? Absolutely. But then the internet's had plenty of time to beat us both to any punchlines in the past thirteen years.

What follows is a colossal list of reactions from the second half (well, the latter three-quarters) of Konami's and Hideo Kojima's Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty. The list has been broken up into rough chapters and placed in spoiler blocks, which I will go back and reconfigure to match the actual video milestones once Drew and Dan reach the relevant parts of their playthrough. In so doing, I hope to both satisfy those who have played the game and know it well enough who might want to see the rest of my confusion in real-time after the dramatic first act, as well as those who are experiencing their first trip (almost certainly the most germane word in this case) through MGS2 with Metal Gear Scanlon: Sons of Drewberty and prefer to have Dan and Drew be their tour guides through the haze of military jargon, overwrought pathos and girlie pics that is Kojima's thoughts made manifest. Obviously, go watch those first (they have all the necessary context for one thing), and then return here and access the spoiler block they pertain to.

In case Drew finds this somehow: Look away, mister. You better experience this game the way Kojima always intended: Long after its release date, recorded for all the internet to see and with only the help of a half-insane Kansanian who writes even stranger military fiction than Kojima does.

Plant Part 1: Jack and the Fatman

Ideally, read this block after watching Metal Gear Scanlon 2: Part 04:

  • It's cute that the first part of the Big Shell is very similar to the intro of MGS 1, including the tutorials we should already know about from the Tanker chapter (though I suppose we could've skipped that).
  • Raiden is trying to do a growly voice. It's also cute. Does he think he's Snake? Is that a thing with this new character?
  • Oh, and instead of tactical rolling, he cartwheels. Idiot.
  • I have to activate a nerd now, if you'll excuse me.
  • Weird. I have to find a console in each new area in order to activate the radar, and I'm blind until then. This is going to get annoying, I can tell.
  • So they got Raiden's girlfriend to do all the saving? That's sweet. Does she know any proverbs? Why does she keep refusing to use my super cool awesome codename? Why can't Raiden remember their anniversary?
  • Raiden apparently took that VR tutorial that teaches you to repeat keywords back to your commanding officer for more information. That's an important one.
  • Oh boy, now I'm deep within the terrorists' Honeycomb Hideout. I actually dimly recall getting this far during my initial abandoned playthrough around a decade ago. I think I got confounded by all the hexagonal struts and exasperated by the stealth mechanics.
  • Aaaand I just slipped on bird poop. It's coming to me now. The ground, specifically.
  • "Quick, Colonel, how do I knock to distract enemies?" "Raiden, how's your mother? She doing okay after her surgery?" "Oh... yeah, she'll make a full recovery *knock, knock* knock on wood." "There you go." "Oh, Colonel!" *sitcom beat plays*
  • This time, it's teaching me to hang over a precipitous drop to get past some guards. Or I could just use this M9 I got by going the wrong way from the node room.
  • Ehh, I'd better learn how this hanging business works. There's a slowly dropping gauge that determines your grip strength, and you need to practice doing pull-ups for an hour before it gets stronger. Lesson #1 when hanging over a hundred foot drop into the ocean: Pressing X lets go of the ledge, so don't do that.
  • I think I found the Alpha SEAL team. They got iced by Sexy Dracula here. Did Anne Rice co-write this?
  • I don't think spinning in circles necessarily deflects bullets. I might have to check my ballistics manual to be sure.
  • "Iroquois Plisken?" Subtle, Snake. Though I guess it could be another Big Boss clone.
  • Dead Cell is the new FOXHOUND then. Any reason to get to get a pack of eccentrics together for a group of boss fights.
  • Speaking of which, we immediately meet Fortune too. So I guess these new guys are just straight up magic now? I suppose we had a psychic in the last game. She seems kinda moribund, or rather her energy weapon does.
  • After watching the first couple episodes of Metal Gear Scanlon and listening to Dan point out what can be interacted with, I'm going to try to be more attentive with finer details in the environment. Like how these bathrooms filled with ammo (Demolition Man told me that bathrooms of the future have shells in them, but I didn't know they meant this) also have hand-dryers that automatically go off when you go near them.
  • Met Peter Stillman, the disabled bomb guy who disables bombs, guy. Getting a lot more exposition here. It looks like the bad guys also have Otacon? Or maybe a relative? At any rate, my new mission is to freeze a bunch of bombs before these assholes set them off in retaliation for that SEAL team incursion.

This block pertains to the (few non-fatal) events of Metal Gear Scanlon 2: Part 05, though keep in mind I took a different route to clear the bombs and some of these won't be in the Scanlon video:

  • Apparently the 1C Strut's bomb (there's one in each, or so we believe) was in the women's bathroom. Like that's not the first place I'd head to in a Metal Gear Solid game.
  • Aagh, there's no easy way to reload if you get spotted. You can't even access the options menu, unless you're checking the radar nodes. This is going to get far more frustrating the further I get.
  • There's a sediment pool in Strut D with three guards. It's kinda clever, this bit, because one of the guards is constantly making updates. If you take that guard out, a bunch of new guards show up to check in on them, and it can screw you over if you've left bodies everywhere. Fortunately, you can always chuck them into the pool. Took me a few tries, this room.
  • Oh cool, sentry posts on the roof. Good thing this bridge has a lower deck. Also, I got a super saccharine story about Raiden and Rose's first date when I tried to save. Can we just go back to proverbs? Hell, even Otacon's half-assed proverbs?
  • This conveyor belt parcel room in Strut E (I'm just randomly cycling through all these getting all the bombs) is kind of a neat place to have a shoot out. I also found a new box here, my first with Raiden: it's a Zone of the Enders box! I can sit in it and pretend I'm flying a mecha around! Whooosh! Pew pew!
  • Well, we met Olga again briefly. She told some mysterious fellow on the other line that she spotted someone using a box to hide himself as he crossed over to Shell 2. "Only one man I know would use the box trick." Only one man would think that was a good idea when crossing a bridge in broad daylight.
  • All right, we're getting more hints that a certain cyborg ninja is back after a "Mr. X" used the same disguised codec trick. Didn't he get mushed into goo by Rex? Either way, I need a mine detector to get to Strut F. I got paranoid that I'd have to head all the way back around to A or something, but it turns out the mine detector's in the same room as the moving boxes, down some stairs. That's handy? Maybe Mr X. planted that too. I just hope he doesn't have a bunch of robot masters for me to face, or tries to stalk me through Raccoon City.
  • You know, it's probably against the spirit of the game, but every time I trip an alert I find the quickest way to kill myself. There's no quick load, or really any way to restart that doesn't involve turning the game off and on again, and you go back to when you last saved if you do that. Dying simply puts you right back at the entrance to the room, with no fuss.
  • I found a new box and a SOCOM suppressor in F's Warehouse though, so it's not all bad. That makes three boxes now. I need all the boxes.

This block's for Metal Gear Scanlon 2: Part 06. Is it just me, or are there fewer bulletpoints with each video? It might be Spring before we're done here.

  • After removing the bomb in Strut A by playing Pipe Dream, Pete the Bomb Disposal Dude decided to spill the beans about his accident and "missing" leg. He's going to "defuse his own sins" by taking on Fatman with his actually quite okay lower limbs. I can't decide if it's the super serious parts or the super jokey parts that are the most amusing.
  • Oh yeah, and the bombs we've been freezing are small fry compared to what's packed into the bases of the struts. I still have to put the last firecracker on ice though. To B, and then after that probably not to B.
  • So yeah, the dummy bombs triggered the real ones, and Pete kinda bought it, as I suspected he might. Getting back to Strut A in 400 seconds was interesting, though not particularly difficult. I think if I spent less time going after these damn dogtags...
  • Whoa, holy shit. Used the two freaks' powers against them, deflecting a bullet off of Fortune's magic shield to hit Vamp in the head with a bullet he didn't think to dodge. Way to go Raiden. That totally made up for that unwinnable boss fight you just forced on me, game.
  • I'm starting to suspect that Fortune might be Vulcan Raven's daughter. Something about the accent and the mystique. Oh, and the giant-ass weapon she's swinging around like it was a toy.
  • Oh, and Dracula's back. Great. I guess he really is undead. Either that, or headshots don't do the trick like they used to.
  • Well, shit's popping off now. I've got to get to E from A (by way of F; it's a full circle) in another 400 seconds. I just have to hope that this Fatman fellow hasn't left too many claymores lying around.

This tiny block is for Metal Gear Scanlon 2: Part 07. It was a boss fight episode, so be thankful they made as much progress as they did:

  • And here's Fatman. He looks like a cross between Vivi Ornitier and an unmasked Darth Vader. And with him comes a very annoying boss fight where I have to defuse bombs while he inline skates around taunting me like a Jet Set Radio character's creepy uncle.
  • Well, I figured the "biggest final bomb" he left behind was inside his own body, and I was planning on throwing the rotund thing into the ocean, but no: he was just sitting on it.
  • I take ten paces and Gray Fox shows up. Sure is getting interesting around here. Giant expo dump followed our ninja friend. Including, shock horror, finding out a Metal Gear is somewhere inside Big Shell. The Metal Gear RAY from the Tanker, no less.
  • Solid Snake confirmed deceased by Rose. Doesn't really matter that there's several dozen clones of him (well, of Big Boss) wandering around. The lack of an arm was interesting information, I suppose there's some manner of arms race going down between the various Snakes at the moment.

Here are the events of Metal Gear Scanlon 2: Part 08, sans the usual Strut F issues:

  • The deal with the central Shell area is that it's full of guards, but you have a disguise to breeze past them undetected. Well, after you find yourself the necessary AK47. I'll save you the search, it's in the Warehouse in F. In fact, that place is so full of locked rooms I think I'll make it a habit to come back whenever I get a new cardkey.

Plant Part 2: Harried and Confused

  • These guys aren't attacking right now, but I imagine once I find this Secret Service guy, things are going to get busy for ol' Raiden.
  • Talking of which, the way to find this guy among the rest of the hostages is to use a directional microphone to check his heartbeat for a pacemaker. I better not accidentally throw any chaff grenades while I'm here, then.
  • The directional microphone (or D.Mic, who was one of the lesser G-Unit members) is in one of the basement levels of Shell 1, in the same room as Otacon's parrot. I know it was Otacon's parrot because: A) It kept saying "HAL", B) There was a Policenauts poster in the same room, and C) That I instinctively wanted to kill it.
  • All right, looking around these hostages for the guy with the weird heartbeat. One of them decided to trip me up as I walked past, which immediately removed my disguise somehow. Equally unlikely was how I put the disguise back on instantaneously before the guard spotted me. If only all hostage scenarios could be so slapstick.
  • The nuke activation switch is apparently triggered by the President's free will. Ames is very chatty about some extremely dumb stuff.
  • We get our first look at the terrorist leader "Solid Snake", a.k.a. Solidus Snake, a.k.a. how stupid does this game think I am?
  • "Hence Sons of Liberty, I suppose." "'Sons of Liberty'?" "Yes, it's the game's subtitle. I'm saying that's what Kojima meant when he named it that." "Ah."
  • Ames bought it (FOXDIE 2?), Ocelot figured out who I am and then Gray Fox had to bail me out. Also, Ocelot wasn't going to fall for the same dismemberment trick twice, it looks like. Whatever's going on, the Patriots are in it deep and I keep getting implicated in whatever they're doing. I guess it's better than having two deadly organizations on my case if one thinks I'm with them.
  • It's off to Shell 2 finally, since that's where the Prez is. The whole second half of this oil rig left to go. Well, excepting the parts that got blown to shit.

Now we have the events of Metal Gear Scanlon 2: Part 09, where the game starts amping up the stupid:

  • I got a new keycard, so I'm heading to Strut F for some new goodies. Found an RGB Grenade Launcher, which should make things more colorful, and two Sniper Rifles. One of them's the tranquilizer kind, which is what I've been using for most of this game so far. Raiden doesn't seem the type to kill people all willy-nilly anyway (which is to say he's a wuss. Well, until Revengeance anyway).
  • Here we are at the 1-2 Connecting Bridge. As predicted, it's full of BS. It's an extension of that three-bomb passage puzzle in the Tanker, only there's way more boxes to shoot and now there's seagulls in the way.
  • Actually, this part was a lot of fun. They hid some of those control units in some weird places, so it was satisfying to systematically remove them all. A certain airborne one gave me the most trouble.
  • Otacon is Pliskin's pal, surprise surprise. Well, it's good to see that goofy node again.
  • All right, big info dump this time. Solidus has introduced himself (and his Doc Ock suit) and then Snake decided his Solid Snake charade was worthy of a rocket or two. Didn't seem to mind that I was within range of the explosion either, thanks dude.
  • Solidus fell, landed on a harrier flown by Vamp (who probably should be taking it easy with that head wound) and I'm guessing I have to fight a Harrier in much the same way as the Hind D fight in the previous game? I mean, Snake just threw me a Stinger launcher, so it seems a little more than likely.
  • That boss fight felt like a remix of the Hind D fight. Lots of avoiding its firepower while picking my time to strike (and helped by Snake in the Russian chopper I forget the name of). I actually enjoyed it, in that they found multiple ways to make a jet seem far more dangerous. That RAY suddenly appeared afterwards to blow up the bridge kind of cut celebrations short.
  • Vamp is now running across water. And now he's running up the side of a strut. This character is ridiculous. This game is ridiculous, sure, but so far this guy's a big part of why that is.
  • So now the jig is up, and Plisken reveals himself as Snake. Sometime after the tanker, they stole Liquid's frozen body from the Patriots and planted it in the tanker's wreckage. Genius. And morbid.
  • Solidus and the rest have Otacon's sister, Otachan. This isn't going to turn into Resident Evil 4 is it? No painful escort missions or anything? You know, I suspect it's a foregone conclusion. Unless Otacon had the foresight to send out spare stealth camouflage suits as Christmas presents recently.
  • And now a save game prompt, the first automatic one since the tanker. Did this game originally come on multiple discs too?

The tenth episode, Metal Gear Scanlon 2: Part 10, actually got a lot accomplished. I'm impressed! It took me way longer to get over some of these sequences.

  • Well, before I go, I better just grab this ration on one of the broken staircases on this thing. I burned through a few while fighting the harrier. Wait, why is it swingi- ...oh.
  • Honestly, the awkward controls are leaving something to be desired with this broken walkway platforming sequence.
  • There's bird poop on the pipe dangling over a giant drop into the ocean. It's slippery. Ask me how I found that out.
  • There are also loose grates. The More You Know.
  • And now there's guards watching out for me as I try to cartwheel my way across crumbling gaps. I'm getting heartburn.
  • At least I can console myself by knowing that anything that is this annoying to me is going to be extra fun to watch when Drew reaches the same part.
  • On Strut L now, and this shit continues to be relentless. Guards, broken walkways, pain. I think I'm up to about 20 deaths since after the Harrier boss (which, I'll go on to state, I accomplished in one go).
  • No. I am not getting peed on. I have to draw the line somewhere. I don't care if his bladder is endless.
  • Right, one last obstacle: I gotta get past some cypher drone turret things by throwing a chaff grenade, moving past another broken walkway before it wears off. It was a close call, but at least nothing surprising happened. People really try for zero death runs?
  • Is Rose supposed to be a nightmare girlfriend, or is Kojima telling us something? Like are any of these questions about Raiden's inability to open up about his feelings really pertinent when I'm in the middle of stopping a Spider-Man villain, a giant amphibious death tank and a freakin' ghoul from taking over the world?
  • Another Olga chat to listen in on. Looks like I have some electricity floors to get around if I want to save the president. I remember (vividly) how to do this from the last game, I just need some Nikitas first.

Plant Part 3: The Olympic Champions of Synchronized Drowning

  • B1 is underwater, so I'm getting told the swimming controls again. This is how this Codec would occur in reality: "Raiden, what's your situation?" "Blub. Blub blub, blub. Blub?" "Use the circle button to dive, etc."
  • Really? We're going to have a jump scare with the waterlogged corpse of Peter Stillman (who is now very still, man)? Hasn't that poor man suffered enough? Though he's actually remarkably intact for someone who was standing right next to a huge pile of C4.
  • Also, why are there deep sea mines scattered around down here? The classic spiky ball kind. Maybe someone just had a locker full of these because they thought they looked neat and they all got loose when the area flooded. Considering the weird shit I've found in lockers so far, I wouldn't put it past the guys who used to work here.
  • Apparently the Peter Stillman jumpscare corridor was a dead end, at least for now. I suspect I'll be back down that way shortly, given that the door it leads to is a single security level above my own cardkey right now. President first, Poseidon Adventure later.
  • Grabbed the Nikita, now to fly it through to the President's room to take out the electrified floor. There is absolutely no reason why the vents to that room are as maze-like as this besides the fact that this is a video game and I need video game-y stuff to do.
  • Well, I managed to successfully murder the President. Eat your heart out, John Hinckley, Jr. Seriously, he just leapt out in front of that Nikita for no reason.
  • All right, I eventually figured out which of the consoles in a room full of consoles I was meant to destroy and now the grid is off. Didn't end up killing myself once. Killed others, though.
  • Did the President just cop a feel? What the hell? Irrespective of the sexual assault, the President doesn't seem like a nice guy. He wanted to take over the country without the Patriots using him as a puppet.
  • We're getting a lot of info about the Patriots. They control everything, sort of like how the Freemasons do in the real world. Solidus too: he was behind the Shadow Moses incident and... goddammit, why am I getting invested in all this conspiracy nonsense. I feel like there's a giant flowchart covered in push-pins in some nutcase's basement that explains all this. Kojima's basement, if I'm being precise.
  • There's another Metal Gear? And it's the underside of Big Shell? Arsenal Gear. And it has many Metal Gear RAYs to protect it (they would be The Gunners, then. Am I right, soccer fans?). This is starting to sound like a bit too much for me to deal with.
  • As I suspected, the Prez gives me the next keycard (he had it the whole time?) and sends us to go get Emma Emmerich, Otacon's sister. Oh yeah, and Ocelot popped in to shoot the President. He's been racking up quite the rap sheet lately.
  • Oh boy, and now Snake has a whole bunch of backstory to give us. He pretty much explains what happened on the Tanker, in case we hadn't figured it out yet. I can't even joke about this much dense exposition.
  • And now I'm getting a long cutscene with Rose about how much of a repressed weirdo I am when all I wanted to do was save the game. Goddamn, even basic game functions come with a novella-sized dialogue script.

Metal Gear Scanlon 2: Part 11... I... he beat the Vamp fight in two tries? In two tries?!

  • I have to get Emma out of the flooded zone because she's hydrophobic. Great. Also I think the game implied that Otacon was masturbating in his bedroom while she was nearly drowning in the family pool. None of this surprises me. It would only surprise me if her drowning was the thing he was whacking it to.
  • Vamp cutscene. Starting to suspect this guy might be a demon. Or Neo from the Matrix. Vampire Neo, let's go with that.
  • Boss fight time. Vamp explains that the water in this room is deadly, which is why he can swim through it just fine. He does have his own O2 gauge though, which suggests his lungs still work. Mysterious guy. Anyway, this feels more like Ocelot's fight from the first game, in that you're kind of pacing around a small circle with little cover trying to evade speedy attacks and picking one's moment to counterattack. More so than that Fatman fight, at least.
  • Ah, you can hit him while he's underwater. It causes him to get back to the surface, where you can hit him again. He's invincible when he has this red aura (I imagine it's a Dracula thing) but there's lots of opportunities to shoot him if I'm patient enough.
  • Oh wow, the second half of this fight gets pretty serious. He no longer lets you shoot him in the pool, doesn't hang around long when he's vulnerable and now actively runs after you to slice you to ribbons if you get past his little paralysis trick. Ugh, this fight just got a lot grimmer.
  • Every death so far in this fight has been due to cartwheeling away from an attack and accidentally dropping into the instant death pool. It's tiresome.
  • "What the hell happened? Raiden?!" Well, Colonel, let me tell you: I died again. He stopped beating around the bush and just kept throwing hella knives at me, including a whole bunch of paralysis ones. I died because I couldn't move. There's your answer, fishbulb.
  • Oh god that was the least fun boss fight I've had yet, in either game. I just know he'll be back again too. Fucking vampires. Fuck everything about that character. Like someone gave Sephiroth fangs.
  • More underwater mine-dodging shenanigans. Do I really have to escort Emma through all this? I really hope there's another exit to her room that she didn't think to open. On the plus side, I did find some body armor. One boss fight too late, perhaps, but that'll come in useful.
  • Oh man, she also peed herself. Definitely an Emmerich.
  • "Do you have nanos?" "Yes. Everyone on this project has nanomachines" *goes into Codec mode* "Wow, so you aren't on this project." "Yes! ...Wait, the logical half of my brain just threw up."
  • Boy, I wish I had that mask that lets me breathe underwater now. Emma has the lung capacity of a dormouse. The temperament, too.
  • "Let's catch a breath in the room where I last saw a brutal and insane killer who I'm not entirely sure is dead." "Yeah, good call. Here's a long story about my bro, Otacon. A really gross one with incestuous overtones." Weeeell, they are step-siblings.
  • Otachan's pretty darn smart with the AI stuff, turns out. Couldn't invent herself an oxygen tank though.
  • Oh wow, this just got super nuts. This GW AI inside Arsenal Gear can apparently rewrite Wikipedia (sorta) and the Patriots hid world-domination codes in the Y2K fix. This is duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-
  • -uuuuuuplicitous of the Patriots, to say the least.
  • Oh, and the parrot belongs to Emma. Good thing I didn't shoot it. Wait, is it a good thing?
  • Rose, stop getting jealous about Emma and just save my game already. She's like 14.
  • She's scared of bugs too, and I guess an egg sac burst somewhere because the path to the elevator is full of them. Give me strength. Fortunately, I remembered I had coolant before I decided to start sniping the little guys.
  • For the number of times I've died on a section that seemed perfectly harmless, like getting across a broken bridge, it's remarkable that I managed that BS sequence where you have to get Emma past the amazing respawning guards of Shell 2's Floor 1. I think there were at least five or six, and many were not there on the initial sweep. Fortunate I managed to stash Emma in that gun turret room (so glad cameras and turrets stay broken in this game too, btw).
  • Across the bridge, into Strut L (Emma had a level 5 keycard, naturally. It's not like they wanted to limit her access or anything) and now we're having fun ladder time. This isn't the game with the super long ladder, right? That's the next one?
  • Sniper escort mission. Figures. The first time went disastrously, as I remembered way too late that I had those Pentazemin pills to steady my aim. Second try was a little better, in that she actually survived. Well, until Vamp showed up again and decided to choke her out.
  • So at this point I'd run out of pills and many of those sniper darts ended up in Emma's neck too. This is going to be fun. Thanks Vamp, for yet another wonderful memorable boss fight. Oh, and for stabbing the girl I just spent over an hour protecting. You really are the gift that keeps on giving.
  • Oooh, another broken bridge to cross with cyphers and a big time limit to worry about in addition. At least Strut E didn't give me any trouble. Another guy listening to headphones!
  • Emma's death scene would be a lot more heartbreaking if I hadn't watched her die over and over due to my incompetence and some truly awful escort sequences. It feels like I'm watching a Crash Test Dummy pass away.
  • It's not like I don't end up getting all of Otacon's love interests murdered anyway. He's a nerd! They don't deserve girlfriends! Kojima is very clear on this!
  • Though it sounds like he was getting some from his stepmom. This is a weird family.
  • Jeez, Otacon, don't cry all over the parrot. They don't like that. They like seeds, mostly.
  • Snake and Otacon have their own special high-five/handshake that ends with a hug. I'm going to throw up. I'm going to aim the emesis at the PS3 when I do.
  • Snake double-crossed me! With Gray Fox! Who was Olga this whole time! And everything's blowing up!
  • And Rose contacted my unconscious body to ask if I wanted to save! Sure, okay!

Sounds like we're building up to a big finale here. If I wake up, I'll undoubtedly be on the Arsenal Gear along with Snake, Olga, Ocelot, Solidus and two dozen Metal Gear RAYs and probably that Vamp guy too. So, you know, among friends at least. See you then.

Here we go, the final two parts. They got released together, so just watch them both before checking out this last spoiler block:

Plant Part 4: La-li-lu-le-whuh?

  • Oh, I'm Jack the Ripper, according to Doctor Solidopus. The historical one? No, Solidus' godson. I guess. One of his many child soldiers anyway. This is messed up.
  • "Small boy unit". Pfffffffft. Talking of which, why am I naked? Is this like pantsless Officer Barbrady in the Marsh's basement?
  • Olga's... on my side? Well, the Patriots' side. I think it's a little too likely that I'm unknowingly with the Patriots, given every NPC I've met so far has said as much. I suspect the Colonel isn't who he says he is either.
  • Dammit Rose. I want to save. This... all this sentimental nonsense can wait for never.
  • For as heartbreaking as that conversation with Rose was, it's a little tonally undermined by the fact I'm buck naked. And that she's all regular chirpy voice again when I call her back to save for real this time.
  • Oh god, why did I try to cartwheel when the camera was directly overhead? I think I can see Raiden's kidneys...
  • You can lean up against the table you were on, and the camera obscures Raiden's weenus with a close up of a fast food soda's straw. Big Gulps, huh?
  • Found a radar node outside my room and downloaded the data. I almost asked "to what?", but I guess I still have my nanomachines somewhere.
  • Colonel is acting pretty darn weird. Like a robot, even. A faulty robot.
  • Also, I entered an area and it said "New York 52nd Street". I figured NYC would look a little less... metallic? And above ground?
  • Ditto "Aoyama Ni-Chome". (Fun and possibly relevant fact: Shinjuku Ni-Chome is the biggest gay district in Tokyo.) Also, what's with this Discworld emblem on the pause screen? Maybe I jostled my nanomachines when I got knocked out, and now they're messing with me.
  • Colonel wants me to turn the game off. You know, Fake Colonel... don't give me any ideas. And now he's being pissy like Rose. I'm wondering what the game's up to now. MGS2 does have a reputation for weirdness.
  • What the shit was that? The MSX game? Oh, I see, we've gone full Eternal Darkness (which I believe MGS2 pre-dates). Gotcha. Well, I'll be sure to take all incoming transmissions with the utmost seriousness.
  • A string of Japanese names, a scene from a crazy VR mission where you save Meryl from sumo wrestling guards, another insult about my total game runtime, gardening advice, Colonel's otherkin stories, some random home movie instead of the radar and... gossip about people Rose is sleeping with? "I need scissors! 61!"
  • I'm just going to sit here and watch all these. These are nuts. This part of the game is sort of reminding me of D2 a bit. The way that game just completely goes off the rails towards the end.
  • Rosemary's with the Patriots. Figures. At least she's not completely crazy like the Colonel. Maybe this will end all the schmaltzy post-saving pillow talk. Actually, looks like she's gone for good. Can still save though! Best of both worlds!
  • Oh hell yeah, Solid Snake is back in his iconic Sneaking Suit. And he gave me back all my stuff! And there's 25 Metal Gear RAYs ahead to fight. Awesome? But at least I have a ninja sword now. I'll blast right through them all with this thing, no doubt.
  • Snake just admitted he still has his infinite ammo headband, if I needed to borrow some. I sure don't remember unlocking that in the last game...
  • Another fun shooting gallery. Apparently I let Snake die? As in Solid Snake? Can't he take care of himself? He just runs in front of the last group without defending himself or taking cover. He's completely useless.
  • Also there's thousands of these goons. Why? Is this what I reap for using knock out darts all the time?
  • Otacon told us that the Colonel is a figment of my imagination, spurred on by the GW AI messing with my nanos. Hence all the madness, as the virus slowly takes it over. But that doesn't really fit with the plot point that GW isn't Patriots technology, but rather Dead Cell's and Solidus's. Why would it be so glowing about the Patriots if that were the case? Unless the Patriots have been tampering with... my head hurts. Back to shooting.
  • The Colonel said that they captured Rose, somehow, but Snake told me not to trust illusions like the Colonel. Believing in a legendary hero with an infinite ammo headband is far more rational. Get it together, Raiden.
  • And there it is. Fission Mailed. Right in the middle of this swordfight with more endless goons. Do I want to Emit or Continent?
  • Fortune's here! She's the daughter of the Commandant from the Tanker, rather than Vulcan Raven. I figured it out when she said Snake killed her dad two years ago, not four. (She also has a "US Navy" wetsuit, funny how I missed that the first time.) Well, that's that mystery solved. And that's one boss fight we're leaving to Snake, I guess.
  • Oh but I'm not spared my own. It's a showdown with Doc Solidopus, But not after a super long dialogue cutscene first, because this is a damn Metal Gear Solid game.
  • Did I say a Solidus boss fight? I meant one with three Metal Gear RAYs. Good thing I have some Stinger missiles left...
  • I also have to wonder what this giant room is supposed to be. I checked the pause screen: "Arsenal Gear-Rectum". Sorry I asked...
  • Heatseeking missiles... say, I wonder if the old chaff grenade trick still works? ...it totally does!
  • Did I say three Metal Gear RAYs? I meant way more than that. I destroyed five or six before I finally ran out of rations. Really? Do I honestly have to destroy all twenty five? That's their idea of a fun boss fight?
  • Seven. Seven was the lucky number I had to blow up. Seven enormous bipedal battle tanks with nuclear capability. Jeez, what a mess. Fortunately, Olga aka Gray Fox 2 is going to fight them off while I escape. Considering what happened to a cyborg ninja last time it faced a Metal Gear...
  • ...well, she got killed by Solidus instead. That's two switcheroos now. What is this, a tag team match? And is every major female character going to die in this? We're going to run out of fridges to put them in eventually.
  • GW and the RAYs just went nuts. I guess that virus took control. Now I've got Solidus taking down the rest for me. Saves me a job, have at it old man.
  • Well, I was all right with how things were going right up until the point he broke my neck. That's gonna cost me. But I get to save?
  • Oh, I got knocked out. With my eyes open. Fine, whatever. It's another interrogation scene with button mashing, glad those are back.
  • Oh jeez, now Ocelot, Solidus and Fortune are all standing in a circle explaining their plans and double-crossing each other. This is all a little too much info. I'll unpack it later.
  • Essentially, Ocelot's plan was to recreate Shadow Moses via a series of coincidences to make Raiden into a second Snake? It's all an elaborate ploy to create the perfect training simulation for Raiden? I'm using question marks because this is all ridiculous?
  • Ocelot has Fortune's number all right though. Right in the not-heart too. That's another heroine down, any left?
  • Ocelot, deciding that he's not quite filled his quota of major character deaths, hops into a RAY and decides to just missile swarm what's left. But Fortune's innate psychic powers are... you know what? Forget it. Watch it on YouTube. I don't even know.
  • After a dramatic stand against Ocelot, I think Fortune, sorry, Helena has bought it for real this time. And Liquid's taken over Ocelot, which is bound to end well as he's still inside a Metal Gear RAY. Does Liquid know how to drive one of those? What am I saying, of course he does. He's Liquid.
  • Well, Liquid and Snake both took off. So, uh... how's things, Solidus? Still keeping busy?
  • Heh, there was a big Emmerich (Roland, this time) cutscene as the Arsenal Gear headed towards a NYC bridge with the big dramatic music swelling up and everything. But then kinda went... underneath it. Safely.
  • Well, we found out what April 30th is. It's the 200th anniversary of Washington coming to power. Rose would be happy we finally figured it out. Were she real. Is she real? I mean, she's a video game character, so what am I even asking?
  • The Colonel, or whatever it is, is looking kinda... gaunt. He and Rose decide to give me a ten minute lecture about the internet and how Wikipedia is destroying civilization or something. I'm this close to completely checking out.
  • They're also calling Raiden a soulless puppet. Well, we knew this much.
  • Selection for Societal Sanity? Mission Failed within Fission Mailed? This is the last fifteen minutes of End of Evangelion. I've run out of things to say. There's no jokes, here. Just endless question marks. I think these AIs want to take over and needed more practice screwing with our heads?
  • Well, here's something I can understand: I'm fighting Solidus to the death because he's a giant asshole. Apparently it's swords only, so it's a good thing I got in some practice.
  • Did I mention that swordfighting controls suck balls? Because they do. This is like trying to play Die by the Sword, only without the ironic enjoyment.
  • Remember the fistfight on Metal Gear in the last game? Remember Drew's reaction to it? This is twice as bad. There's no time limit, at least. The only thing that's running out is my ability to feel joy ever again.
  • He stayed on that last sliver of health for a pretty long time, but I finally beat him. I even used the blunt edge so that he wouldn't die and I wouldn't become a tool for the... oh, never mind. I guess I just sliced his spine in half and let him fall to his death. Well, I did have a grudge against the guy, I'll allow it.
  • So... the ending. I... hrm. This game is immune to MST3k-ing at this point. No number of trenchant puns about Wisconsin is going to make this labyrinthine plot a chucklefest.
  • Life goes on in NYC, I guess, despite the fact I left the corpse of the former president near the Federal Building and an enormous aquatic fortress tank crashed into the side of Manhattan. Hey, if there's one thing I know about New Yorkers it's that they've seen it all before and to forget about it.
  • Oh, I did get to see my name during the end cutscenes, on Raiden's dogtags. The one I put into the computer at the start. That they managed to integrate it into the cutscene was impressive (even though it's all in-engine). We also see the real Rose, Otachan's parrot and... VAMP?! Fuck you, game. Fuck this. Fuck everything.

And on that high note, we leave Metal Gear Solid 2 behind, as Raiden and Rose reconnect while we watch a lot of red-tinted stock footage of New York City. Raiden whispered something to Rose, but I guess we'll have to listen to the Lost in Translation commentary track to find out what. After the last cutscenes played out, I got my rank: Elephant. I was about as effective as one during the stealth sections, so that checks out.

Thanks for sticking with me through this game, everyone! I kinda hated it. Sorry. Well, it's not all bad, but holy moley does it balance its good moments with a lot of terrible choices for set-pieces (escorting, protracted sniping, underwater controls, incongruous platforming, sword controls), some really bad boss fights, the over-seriousness was less fun this time around, a less over-the-top villain (though he was technically here too), far too many timed sections and a milquetoast protagonist who, fittingly, won't really find his spark until he's made out of machinery. I could only understand every other cutscene too, though I'm sure with enough time I can decompress it all. I can see why many consider this the black sheep.

But hey, I'm not totally against the idea of a Snake Eater playthrough. Especially if Drew and Dan decide to tackle it someday. Until then, I'll leave you with a reminder to keep watching those Metal Gear Scanlon vids, and if your commanding officer ever turns into a skeleton, probably best to take his subsequent orders with a grain of salt. See ya.

(La-li-lu-le-lo.)

And now, the VR missions:

You must be joking. I'm so done with all this. Bye!

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